1 00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:18,018 [man] I’m lonely. 2 00:00:18,084 --> 00:00:23,656 I know I’m surrounded by a sea of people, but nevertheless, I’m lonely. 3 00:00:23,723 --> 00:00:25,658 Nobody loves me. 4 00:00:25,725 --> 00:00:31,331 And by nobody, I don’t mean anybody over 30 or anyone under the legal age. 5 00:00:31,398 --> 00:00:35,268 I don’t mean males. I certainly don’t include family. 6 00:00:35,335 --> 00:00:40,807 I don’t mean unattractive people, at least unattractive to me, which is subjective. 7 00:00:41,074 --> 00:00:45,345 I don’t even mean the majority of attractive women under 30 out of my reach, 8 00:00:45,412 --> 00:00:47,313 which narrows it down a bit. 9 00:00:47,380 --> 00:00:52,585 Actually, to be honest, I just mean Jenny. 10 00:00:52,652 --> 00:00:55,755 She is everybody in my world. 11 00:00:55,822 --> 00:00:58,658 And if she doesn’t love me, then nobody does. 12 00:00:59,626 --> 00:01:02,062 I know this doesn’t make sense statistically, 13 00:01:02,128 --> 00:01:05,799 but I’ve realized the world works differently from math. 14 00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:07,467 Or does it? 15 00:01:07,534 --> 00:01:09,669 [woman] Hey! Stan? 16 00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:11,438 Hey! 17 00:01:11,504 --> 00:01:13,640 I haven’t seen you in years. 18 00:01:14,774 --> 00:01:16,643 Yeah. How long has it been? 19 00:01:18,411 --> 00:01:20,113 I don’t know. 20 00:01:20,180 --> 00:01:22,482 Ten years, five months, two days. 21 00:01:22,549 --> 00:01:23,783 [chuckles] 22 00:01:23,850 --> 00:01:26,286 I’m sorry. I’ve got a thing for numbers. 23 00:01:26,352 --> 00:01:28,354 I know. 24 00:01:32,158 --> 00:01:36,396 -So, do you live around here? -Around the corner. I don’t get out much. 25 00:01:36,463 --> 00:01:39,299 That’s probably why, because I come here all the time. 26 00:01:40,266 --> 00:01:41,868 -Oh. -[Stan] There it is. 27 00:01:42,135 --> 00:01:46,639 My failure to recognize that the world is mathematical. It’s all statistics. 28 00:01:46,706 --> 00:01:49,109 My waiting around at home-- miserable, 29 00:01:49,175 --> 00:01:52,145 complaining, playing the victim, Facebook stalking-- 30 00:01:52,212 --> 00:01:55,515 wasn’t helping my statistical chances of bumping into anyone. 31 00:01:55,582 --> 00:01:58,151 Well, Jenny. 32 00:01:58,218 --> 00:02:00,520 My life is going to change. 33 00:02:00,587 --> 00:02:03,456 I’m a mathematician. I know data. 34 00:02:03,523 --> 00:02:05,892 I’m good at data mining, good at finding patterns. 35 00:02:06,159 --> 00:02:09,696 There must be patterns in everything, even human behavior. 36 00:02:09,762 --> 00:02:10,763 [computer beeping] 37 00:02:10,830 --> 00:02:12,799 They can be learned, right? 38 00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:16,202 -[computer continues beeping] -It was 3:00 p.m. Saturday. 39 00:02:16,269 --> 00:02:18,271 We met, intersected, at the corner. 40 00:02:18,338 --> 00:02:20,874 She was walking down the street. I was walking up. 41 00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:24,777 A possibility she could be here-- café, restaurant, bookstore. 42 00:02:24,844 --> 00:02:28,448 Window shopping all in one area. 43 00:02:28,515 --> 00:02:34,387 Jenny was my ultimate proof, the previously unsolvable problem. 44 00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:37,323 Why Jenny? Well, just look at her. 45 00:02:37,924 --> 00:02:40,493 Well, actually, look at me. 46 00:02:41,694 --> 00:02:46,232 I can’t hold eye contact. My heart beats faster. I sweat. 47 00:02:46,299 --> 00:02:48,268 I look shifty. My feet are shifty. 48 00:02:48,334 --> 00:02:51,271 I can’t quite talk and I wanna get out of there. 49 00:02:51,337 --> 00:02:54,274 And yet, I really, really want to stay. 50 00:02:55,408 --> 00:02:56,776 She says nothing. 51 00:02:56,843 --> 00:02:58,711 It’s a nice neighborhood. I like it. 52 00:02:58,778 --> 00:03:02,415 -[Stan] But I hear-- -Invite me up. I’ll do anything to stay. 53 00:03:02,882 --> 00:03:06,553 They lock people away for things like this-- hallucinations. 54 00:03:06,619 --> 00:03:08,221 Or is it delusions? 55 00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:12,425 [Jenny] Whatever’s in his mind is deeply locked away, 56 00:03:12,492 --> 00:03:14,727 only let out in the form of letters. 57 00:03:14,794 --> 00:03:18,865 Yeah, paper with writing, sent by snail mail to your house. 58 00:03:18,932 --> 00:03:22,235 The fresh smell of warm afternoon envelope. 59 00:03:22,302 --> 00:03:24,971 The scent of paper, ink. 60 00:03:25,238 --> 00:03:29,542 The thought that someone took the time to think, to write, 61 00:03:29,609 --> 00:03:33,913 to communicate his deepest thoughts and feelings to you, it would melt me. 62 00:03:33,980 --> 00:03:37,951 He would melt my heart every single time. 63 00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:42,488 And yet, in person, not a word, not a whisper, 64 00:03:42,555 --> 00:03:45,291 as if he had never, ever sent one. 65 00:03:45,358 --> 00:03:47,961 I liked it though, the secret world. 66 00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:49,996 Didn’t want it to end, 67 00:03:50,263 --> 00:03:53,933 the feeling of nobody knowing except him... 68 00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:58,938 the secret that I was special-- we were special-- 69 00:03:59,005 --> 00:04:03,977 surrounded by a sea of people, often feeling absolutely alone 70 00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:09,616 except that one person knows you’re alive, cares you’re alive. 71 00:04:09,682 --> 00:04:12,285 It made me feel alive. 72 00:04:13,753 --> 00:04:16,823 -So, I’m just about to-- -Yeah, I have to go. 73 00:04:17,757 --> 00:04:21,394 Someone to see. A date. An appointment. 74 00:04:21,461 --> 00:04:23,529 [Jenny] I died a little with those words. 75 00:04:23,596 --> 00:04:26,733 Okay. Well, I’ll see you around then? 76 00:04:27,533 --> 00:04:30,270 [Jenny] Why’d he say that? What’s he trying to tell me? 77 00:04:30,336 --> 00:04:33,773 [Stan] “See you around” reeks of possibility. 78 00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:35,775 Was it a question or a statement? 79 00:04:35,842 --> 00:04:40,780 Almost positively 30% a question and 70% statement. 80 00:04:40,847 --> 00:04:44,717 And then we walk, her to the west and me to the east. 81 00:04:44,784 --> 00:04:46,719 Just like that Murakami story, 82 00:04:46,786 --> 00:04:51,658 on meeting the 100% perfect girl one beautiful April morning. 83 00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:54,994 What I should really say is-- 84 00:04:56,929 --> 00:05:00,066 -Hey, Jen? -Yeah? 85 00:05:01,501 --> 00:05:03,836 Do you remember when we were in middle school? 86 00:05:44,944 --> 00:05:48,081 -Hey, Jen? -Yeah? 87 00:05:49,549 --> 00:05:53,119 -Remember when we were in middle school? -[Stan] So I made an opportunity. 88 00:05:53,386 --> 00:05:57,457 There in the split second while she’s smiling is my opportunity. 89 00:05:57,924 --> 00:06:03,029 As the smile fades or she turns her head, it’ll disappear any moment, any moment! 90 00:06:03,096 --> 00:06:05,665 Say something! Say anything! 91 00:06:05,732 --> 00:06:08,568 When I used to call you for help on calculus? 92 00:06:08,634 --> 00:06:12,472 [Stan] There you go. That’s definitely a smile that remembers. 93 00:06:12,538 --> 00:06:15,641 -I think it was the other way around. -Really? 94 00:06:15,708 --> 00:06:18,978 Well, either way, there were a lot of calls. 95 00:06:20,146 --> 00:06:23,816 [Jenny] This is kinda nice. Really nice. 96 00:06:23,883 --> 00:06:26,753 It’s the first time he’s bringing this up. 97 00:06:27,453 --> 00:06:30,590 A world that was practically hidden from the light of day. 98 00:06:31,157 --> 00:06:34,894 Those phone calls were only ever at night, late at night. 99 00:06:35,728 --> 00:06:41,134 It was way back before mobile phones-- landlines, dial phones. 100 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:43,436 A whole other level of courage was needed 101 00:06:43,503 --> 00:06:47,073 to dial the number to the object of your affection. 102 00:06:47,140 --> 00:06:51,477 You see, you had to dial each number and wait for the clicks. 103 00:06:51,544 --> 00:06:55,782 It was a long time between each number. A lot of time to reconsider. 104 00:06:55,848 --> 00:06:58,951 [Stan] I’m amazed I went through with it. Many times I didn’t. 105 00:06:59,018 --> 00:07:01,687 Could have been the time of night? Too late? 106 00:07:01,754 --> 00:07:05,691 Was there any rule about this? Sometimes I just had to. 107 00:07:05,758 --> 00:07:09,595 But, boy, sometimes I’d go and pee, then wash up, 108 00:07:09,662 --> 00:07:12,598 eat something, check and recheck the time, 109 00:07:12,665 --> 00:07:17,937 brush my teeth, wander in, dial, then leave if there was no privacy. 110 00:07:18,004 --> 00:07:20,740 It needed to be perfectly private. 111 00:07:20,807 --> 00:07:22,809 And then you get through. Your heart’s racing. 112 00:07:22,875 --> 00:07:26,446 Not so much because of the anticipation of talking to her, 113 00:07:26,512 --> 00:07:29,081 but the fear of talking to her mother. 114 00:07:29,148 --> 00:07:32,552 Or worse still, her father. 115 00:07:32,618 --> 00:07:34,954 -[Jenny’s father on phone] Hello? -Hello, Mr. Lee? 116 00:07:35,021 --> 00:07:40,793 -Who is this? -Hi, I’m Stan, from Jen’s class. 117 00:07:40,860 --> 00:07:43,196 I was wondering if I could speak to Jenny. 118 00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:45,565 It’s a little late, Stan. 119 00:07:45,631 --> 00:07:47,600 Oh, I know, I know. I’m sorry. 120 00:07:47,667 --> 00:07:50,970 It’s just that I’ve got a math problem I’m stuck on. 121 00:07:52,171 --> 00:07:54,507 All right. Hold the line. 122 00:07:54,574 --> 00:07:56,676 [Stan] Which was kinda true. Kinda. 123 00:07:56,742 --> 00:07:59,712 We always needed an in to start the conversation. 124 00:07:59,779 --> 00:08:01,914 But it always ended up somewhere. 125 00:08:01,981 --> 00:08:07,053 Talk about music class, band practice, what she was planning for summer break. 126 00:08:07,119 --> 00:08:10,923 I’d always wonder where she was, which room, 127 00:08:10,990 --> 00:08:14,227 what it looked like, what she was wearing. 128 00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:16,762 I never knew, even to this day. 129 00:08:16,829 --> 00:08:22,668 Never stepped foot in her house, yet spent hours connected to her life. 130 00:08:22,735 --> 00:08:27,039 In the dark, a voice in my head that I was addicted to. 131 00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:33,045 Anyway, seeing you’re around here a lot, and I live just around here, 132 00:08:33,112 --> 00:08:34,947 I thought maybe-- 133 00:08:35,014 --> 00:08:38,618 [Stan] I’m looking for a sign, some sort of sign of positive reinforcement. 134 00:08:38,684 --> 00:08:41,521 I’m giving you a lead here. Give me a sign! 135 00:08:41,587 --> 00:08:44,090 [Jenny] I’m nervous. I can feel my heart beating. 136 00:08:44,156 --> 00:08:47,860 Is he gonna ask me out? I’m getting shifty. My feet are shifty. 137 00:08:47,927 --> 00:08:50,263 [Stan] She’s looking anxious, like she wants to get away. 138 00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:52,698 This isn’t good. Don’t ruin the friendship. 139 00:08:52,765 --> 00:08:55,301 Don’t ruin what you have. Don’t pressure her! 140 00:08:56,269 --> 00:08:58,538 I thought maybe we should sometime-- 141 00:08:59,939 --> 00:09:04,210 You know, if you’re around, we could... catch up? 142 00:09:04,277 --> 00:09:08,214 [Jenny] Oh, it’s a friendship thing. Catch up. 143 00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:10,650 I knew it. Nervous for nothing. 144 00:09:10,716 --> 00:09:12,885 Catch up. Great. 145 00:09:12,952 --> 00:09:15,154 Okay, maybe. Why not? 146 00:09:15,221 --> 00:09:17,924 [Stan] Maybe? What’s maybe? Maybe is a rejection. 147 00:09:17,990 --> 00:09:22,628 Maybe is, “All those times you called, I was just helping you with math. 148 00:09:22,695 --> 00:09:24,864 Nothing else. Rein in your imagination.” 149 00:09:24,931 --> 00:09:30,102 Only if you’re around and I’m around. If we’re both simultaneously around. 150 00:09:30,169 --> 00:09:34,106 That would be necessary. Should we draw a Venn diagram? 151 00:09:34,173 --> 00:09:36,108 -Work out when our schedules intersect? -Exactly. 152 00:09:36,175 --> 00:09:38,277 That wouldn’t be a bad idea. 153 00:09:39,245 --> 00:09:41,981 [Stan] I decide not to ask her for her schedule though. 154 00:09:42,048 --> 00:09:43,883 It may come across as creepy. 155 00:09:43,950 --> 00:09:48,821 So, when we meet each other next, we’ll catch up then, okay? 156 00:09:50,222 --> 00:09:54,060 Yeah. We’ll leave it in the hands of fate. 157 00:09:56,228 --> 00:09:58,864 [Stan] So, how does this fate thing work? 158 00:09:58,931 --> 00:10:01,100 Do I just wait and not think about anything? 159 00:10:01,167 --> 00:10:04,604 Not think about when she might be there, when she might come back? 160 00:10:04,670 --> 00:10:07,740 Because thinking about it will alter fate in some way. 161 00:10:07,807 --> 00:10:12,044 Do I actively work out how to bump into her again? Will that be fate at work? 162 00:10:12,111 --> 00:10:14,947 Are consciousness and choice just false perceptions 163 00:10:15,014 --> 00:10:18,017 of a free reality that’s already predetermined? 164 00:10:19,919 --> 00:10:21,821 Damn it. What do I do now? 165 00:10:55,221 --> 00:11:00,226 [Stan] I didn’t ask her out. That was clear to both of us, I’m sure. 166 00:11:01,861 --> 00:11:05,064 So, when we meet each other again next, 167 00:11:05,131 --> 00:11:08,134 we’ll catch up then, okay? 168 00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:12,238 Yeah, we’ll leave it in the hands of fate. 169 00:11:19,178 --> 00:11:20,746 [Stan] Been through this a lot. 170 00:11:20,813 --> 00:11:23,983 In fact, the only women I’ve ever really had relationships with 171 00:11:24,050 --> 00:11:26,352 are the ones who asked me out. 172 00:11:26,419 --> 00:11:30,222 Which kind of made me feel pathetic, which reflected back on them. 173 00:11:30,289 --> 00:11:32,024 You know that Groucho Marx line 174 00:11:32,091 --> 00:11:35,928 “I don’t wanna be part of a club that’ll have me as a member”? 175 00:11:35,995 --> 00:11:38,297 That would plague my relationships. 176 00:11:38,364 --> 00:11:43,202 I’d always end up thinking, “If you’ll take a pathetic, spineless fool like me, 177 00:11:43,269 --> 00:11:45,271 why would I want you?” 178 00:11:45,337 --> 00:11:48,974 But I’d be so spineless, I’d never instigate the breakup. 179 00:11:49,041 --> 00:11:52,244 -If you’re as pathetic as me, ignore them, -[cell phone rings] 180 00:11:52,311 --> 00:11:56,849 passive/aggressive style, until they break up with you. 181 00:11:56,916 --> 00:11:58,417 We need to break up. 182 00:11:58,484 --> 00:12:01,187 [Stan] Then put on a surprised but slightly sad face. 183 00:12:01,253 --> 00:12:04,023 Not too sad that you’re saying, “I want you back.” 184 00:12:04,090 --> 00:12:08,127 Just that you appreciate their effort in breaking up with you, 185 00:12:08,194 --> 00:12:11,964 that you’ll kinda miss them, that it didn’t mean nothing to you. 186 00:12:12,031 --> 00:12:15,434 Of course this has to be delicately balanced. 187 00:12:15,501 --> 00:12:17,770 Sometimes it’s mistaken for-- 188 00:12:17,837 --> 00:12:20,172 You don’t really want me to leave, do you? 189 00:12:31,150 --> 00:12:33,119 And you end up with makeup sex, 190 00:12:33,185 --> 00:12:35,888 which lets face it, is more fun than regular sex. 191 00:12:35,955 --> 00:12:39,892 There’s that sense of loss and resurrection. No pun intended. 192 00:12:39,959 --> 00:12:41,927 And then, of course, there’s breakup sex. 193 00:12:41,994 --> 00:12:45,064 You know, ’cause it’ll be the last time you do it. 194 00:12:45,131 --> 00:12:47,333 And that’s kinda interesting too. 195 00:12:47,399 --> 00:12:51,170 Everything tastes better if you know you’re never gonna have it again. 196 00:12:51,237 --> 00:12:53,072 And then you’re lost in that cycle-- 197 00:12:53,139 --> 00:12:55,341 break up, make up, 198 00:12:55,407 --> 00:12:57,977 break up, make up. 199 00:12:58,043 --> 00:13:00,846 The tension and release keep overwhelming 200 00:13:00,913 --> 00:13:05,017 your ultimate desire to find someone you truly love. 201 00:13:06,051 --> 00:13:09,054 Sex is the ultimate illusionist. 202 00:13:09,121 --> 00:13:11,323 But we’ll get to that another time. 203 00:13:11,390 --> 00:13:12,992 This is all beside the point. 204 00:13:13,058 --> 00:13:14,994 Having been in relationships multiple times 205 00:13:15,060 --> 00:13:17,796 doesn’t make you any better at asking someone out 206 00:13:17,863 --> 00:13:21,100 whom you truly, truly want to be with. 207 00:13:21,167 --> 00:13:24,570 In mathematical terms, there’s an inverse relationship 208 00:13:24,837 --> 00:13:27,506 between the stakes-- how much she means to you-- 209 00:13:27,573 --> 00:13:30,843 and the chances of you actually asking her out. 210 00:13:30,910 --> 00:13:34,847 Although in my case, it’s pretty much a flatline. 211 00:13:34,914 --> 00:13:38,450 So, for someone who has failed to ask out girls that matter to me-- 212 00:13:38,517 --> 00:13:40,986 and I’ve failed many, many times-- 213 00:13:41,453 --> 00:13:44,123 it’s no surprise that I could be a consultant 214 00:13:44,190 --> 00:13:47,493 on the stages of not having asked her out. 215 00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:50,095 The first stage: denial. 216 00:13:51,430 --> 00:13:54,066 This is awesome! 217 00:13:54,133 --> 00:13:57,903 This is easy. Everyone does it for most of their single life. 218 00:13:57,970 --> 00:14:01,874 But we’re not even good at denial, ’cause when it’s shoved in our faces, 219 00:14:01,941 --> 00:14:04,910 -we just wanna shout-- -Hey, hey, get a fucking room! 220 00:14:04,977 --> 00:14:07,413 And if we finish the sentence, it would be-- 221 00:14:07,479 --> 00:14:09,615 Because seeing you like this makes me reflect 222 00:14:09,882 --> 00:14:12,484 on how empty and worthless my pathetic existence is 223 00:14:12,551 --> 00:14:16,088 without someone to look me in the eyes and say, “You are my everything.” 224 00:14:16,155 --> 00:14:19,325 Get a room. Don’t tell me what you did. I don’t wanna know! 225 00:14:19,391 --> 00:14:23,028 [Stan] Second stage: justification. Why would you ask her out? 226 00:14:23,095 --> 00:14:27,166 She was looking old. In 20 years, she’s gonna look 20 years older. 227 00:14:27,233 --> 00:14:31,003 She’s probably a health freak, fundamentalist in something. 228 00:14:31,070 --> 00:14:33,305 It would never fit in my lifestyle. 229 00:14:33,973 --> 00:14:36,876 Third stage: stalking. 230 00:14:36,942 --> 00:14:41,146 Of course, this was a lot harder during the analog days. 231 00:14:41,213 --> 00:14:44,116 We actually had to physically follow them, 232 00:14:44,183 --> 00:14:47,653 which was and is less legal than digital stalking. 233 00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:51,090 So I recommend only digital nowadays. 234 00:14:51,156 --> 00:14:53,926 Fourth stage: fantasizing. 235 00:14:53,993 --> 00:14:57,296 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. 236 00:14:57,363 --> 00:14:59,131 Oh, yeah! 237 00:14:59,198 --> 00:15:04,403 [Stan] You get the idea. And finally, the last stage: desperation. 238 00:15:04,470 --> 00:15:06,238 That’s where I’m at. 239 00:15:06,305 --> 00:15:10,009 Fate sometimes needs a little help with probability. 240 00:15:10,075 --> 00:15:13,312 That’s all I’m doing, just increasing probability a bit. 241 00:15:13,379 --> 00:15:17,249 And the longer I do this, the greater the chances, right? 242 00:15:17,316 --> 00:15:19,251 Well, actually, that’s not how it works. 243 00:15:19,318 --> 00:15:22,121 But fuck it. I’m desperate. 244 00:15:22,588 --> 00:15:24,523 Where the fuck is she? 245 00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:30,296 Oh, my fucking God! 246 00:15:34,099 --> 00:15:36,101 I’m sorry. Did I say that out loud? 247 00:16:02,361 --> 00:16:07,433 [Jenny] So he didn’t ask me out. Not really. Not at all. 248 00:16:07,499 --> 00:16:10,235 I wasn’t about to ask him out. I don’t do that. 249 00:16:10,302 --> 00:16:12,671 It’s not ladylike. It’s not right. 250 00:16:13,706 --> 00:16:17,242 There’s a natural order of things that should not be disrupted. 251 00:16:17,309 --> 00:16:21,013 Guys ask girls out, not the other way around. 252 00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:22,581 And this is from experience. 253 00:16:22,648 --> 00:16:28,120 The few times I did ask a guy out, after waiting and waiting and waiting, 254 00:16:28,187 --> 00:16:30,389 it was always a pathetic relationship. 255 00:16:31,190 --> 00:16:36,328 How could I respect someone, a guy, who didn’t have the courage to ask me out? 256 00:16:36,395 --> 00:16:38,664 I couldn’t. I didn’t and it showed over time. 257 00:16:38,731 --> 00:16:43,002 I’d get angry quickly, scream down the phone at all hours of the night, 258 00:16:43,068 --> 00:16:45,704 get pissed off at the smallest things, 259 00:16:45,771 --> 00:16:50,009 like the way he wore his hair, his shoes, or the way he snored. 260 00:16:50,542 --> 00:16:53,612 Anything, really. He would slowly become a kept man. 261 00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:56,348 A kind of slave, really. 262 00:16:56,415 --> 00:16:59,418 Get your car. Pick me up now! 263 00:16:59,485 --> 00:17:01,153 Did you just ask me why? 264 00:17:01,220 --> 00:17:05,591 If he protested, huge arguments would ensue until he backed down. 265 00:17:06,358 --> 00:17:08,794 In the end, they stop protesting. They know what’s coming. 266 00:17:09,061 --> 00:17:11,630 -They take it like a pathetic, beaten dog. -[dog whimpers] 267 00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:14,299 And then they’re so pathetic, there’s no attraction anyway. 268 00:17:14,366 --> 00:17:16,368 So you break up with them. 269 00:17:16,435 --> 00:17:21,040 -Listen, I’m breaking up with you. -Oh. Oh! 270 00:17:21,106 --> 00:17:24,076 Yeah, that’s... bad. 271 00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:28,647 And strangely enough, I think they want it so badly, the breakup, 272 00:17:28,714 --> 00:17:32,351 they’re almost relieved, which hurts me. 273 00:17:32,418 --> 00:17:35,054 How dare you, you spineless nothing of a man! 274 00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:37,656 How dare you be relieved at me waking up with you! 275 00:17:37,723 --> 00:17:41,093 I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to you! 276 00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:42,161 [knocks] 277 00:17:42,227 --> 00:17:44,797 [Jenny] So I retract the breakup, take him back. 278 00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:49,368 I’m gonna give you another chance, Simon. Okay, I’m serious. You get to try again. 279 00:17:49,435 --> 00:17:51,437 [Jenny] We have makeup sex, 280 00:17:51,503 --> 00:17:55,240 which strangely enough makes me feel clingy. 281 00:17:55,307 --> 00:17:57,142 I know it’s weird. 282 00:17:57,209 --> 00:18:00,512 I think there are juxtaposing hormones released after sex. 283 00:18:01,313 --> 00:18:07,419 I end up in the cycle again of having given myself to some guy I don’t respect. 284 00:18:07,486 --> 00:18:12,091 Yet I have enough self-esteem to think, “If I gave myself to him, 285 00:18:12,157 --> 00:18:15,561 my naked, emotional self... 286 00:18:16,628 --> 00:18:20,699 then somewhere deep down he must be pretty awesome 287 00:18:20,766 --> 00:18:23,102 or he must have potential to be. 288 00:18:23,168 --> 00:18:25,237 I just have to mold him.” 289 00:18:25,304 --> 00:18:28,440 And that’s what I do. So, all the nitpicking, the jabs, 290 00:18:28,507 --> 00:18:32,444 the retorts, the arguments, it’s really to make him a better person. 291 00:18:32,511 --> 00:18:36,381 So, I don’t have to punish myself emotionally over this pathetic, 292 00:18:36,448 --> 00:18:39,485 -sorry excuse of a man I shacked up with. -[dog whimpers] 293 00:18:39,551 --> 00:18:42,488 Meanwhile you’re always on the lookout for someone better. 294 00:18:42,554 --> 00:18:43,889 Hoping for someone better. 295 00:18:44,423 --> 00:18:45,757 And you don’t break up. 296 00:18:45,824 --> 00:18:49,661 I think you’re always more attractive to other men if you’re with someone. 297 00:18:49,728 --> 00:18:52,798 Single chicks always draw the suspicious question-- 298 00:18:52,865 --> 00:18:55,701 “Why is she single? What’s wrong with her?” 299 00:18:55,767 --> 00:18:59,638 So, I stay in a bad relationship, no matter how pathological it is, 300 00:18:59,705 --> 00:19:03,242 because I think it increases my chances of finding a better one. 301 00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:07,412 I think it’s okay that he makes a move even if he knows I’m in a relationship. 302 00:19:07,479 --> 00:19:10,549 Because that’s generally accepted, right? 303 00:19:10,616 --> 00:19:15,587 Though I could never accept an invitation from a guy I knew was in a relationship. 304 00:19:15,654 --> 00:19:18,924 Double standard, but that’s how this world works. 305 00:19:19,191 --> 00:19:25,731 So, here I am, thinking about him, Stan, while I’m waiting for my boyfriend Zac, 306 00:19:25,797 --> 00:19:29,768 feeling nothing, not an ounce of guilt. 307 00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:34,473 Just hoping, wishing he had asked me out, 308 00:19:34,540 --> 00:19:36,775 wondering how I’ll bump into him again, 309 00:19:36,842 --> 00:19:39,178 whether it’ll be another ten years. 310 00:19:39,244 --> 00:19:41,947 Wondering where he lives, what his room is like. 311 00:19:42,915 --> 00:19:45,517 What his hands will feel like holding mine. 312 00:19:46,451 --> 00:19:50,355 What his arms will feel like wrapped around my waist. 313 00:19:50,422 --> 00:19:54,860 When I’ll get to hear his voice in the deep of the night before I sleep. 314 00:19:56,461 --> 00:19:59,698 We left it to fate when we’ll meet again. 315 00:20:00,465 --> 00:20:03,936 I do not believe in fate. 316 00:20:06,338 --> 00:20:08,240 [Stan] Oh, my fucking God! 317 00:20:12,811 --> 00:20:15,280 I’m sorry. Did I say that out loud? 318 00:20:15,347 --> 00:20:18,750 I’ve never been called God before, but I’ll allow it. 319 00:20:22,454 --> 00:20:23,755 Hi. 320 00:20:40,305 --> 00:20:42,507 [Jenny] The trick is to pretend you don’t care. 321 00:20:42,574 --> 00:20:43,875 Hi. 322 00:20:45,010 --> 00:20:46,778 Hi. 323 00:20:49,548 --> 00:20:52,484 I’m sorry about the “God” thing. I’m surprised to see you here. 324 00:20:52,951 --> 00:20:55,854 [Jenny] Surprised? So you’re not thinking about me? 325 00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:58,023 Not the way I’ve been thinking-- 326 00:20:58,290 --> 00:21:01,727 No, obsessing about you? 327 00:21:03,562 --> 00:21:05,831 Are you waiting for someone? 328 00:21:05,897 --> 00:21:10,936 No. Yeah. I mean, I’m not sure if he’ll come. 329 00:21:11,003 --> 00:21:14,840 [Jenny] That’s a lie. He looks nervous. I think it’s a lie. 330 00:21:16,375 --> 00:21:17,709 Yeah, me too. 331 00:21:19,978 --> 00:21:22,347 Well, shall we wait together then? 332 00:21:24,583 --> 00:21:27,486 [Stan] Great! I’ve completely redefined this. 333 00:21:27,552 --> 00:21:30,455 Completely made her into a convenient pit stop 334 00:21:30,522 --> 00:21:33,458 while I wait for my more significant friend or friends, 335 00:21:33,525 --> 00:21:36,595 who’ll never turn up because there was no appointment. 336 00:21:36,662 --> 00:21:39,531 So, worst-case scenario, I’ve reduced her significance, 337 00:21:39,598 --> 00:21:42,067 made myself into a liar or the sort of person 338 00:21:42,334 --> 00:21:45,337 whose friends stand him up in the middle of the day. 339 00:21:45,737 --> 00:21:49,641 I won’t stay for too long. I don’t wanna intrude on you and your friends. 340 00:21:50,309 --> 00:21:53,545 Oh, no, not a problem at all. I mean, we’re friends too, right? 341 00:21:56,415 --> 00:22:00,585 Shit! I said it, the word “friends.” 342 00:22:00,652 --> 00:22:02,688 I didn’t mean to. It just slipped out. 343 00:22:02,754 --> 00:22:07,559 But the pause, the moment of silence spoke reams about our past. 344 00:22:07,626 --> 00:22:11,029 The look up to me, the glimpse of vulnerability. 345 00:22:11,096 --> 00:22:13,965 Maybe a hint of sadness, then the look away. 346 00:22:14,032 --> 00:22:16,968 The recomposure and the smile. 347 00:22:17,035 --> 00:22:20,372 [Jenny] I just wanna get out of here, all of the sudden. 348 00:22:20,439 --> 00:22:23,342 I don’t know why. Well, I do know why. 349 00:22:23,408 --> 00:22:27,579 I feel like a fool. I think I gave away too much. 350 00:22:27,646 --> 00:22:31,016 I’m pretty transparent. He can see right through me. 351 00:22:31,083 --> 00:22:33,518 I can tell, those eyes. 352 00:22:34,486 --> 00:22:36,855 Those eyes. 353 00:22:36,922 --> 00:22:40,358 We used to lock gazes way back when. 354 00:22:40,959 --> 00:22:44,696 Nothing said, nothing given away except those letters. 355 00:22:45,831 --> 00:22:48,433 Secret letters on summer break. 356 00:22:48,500 --> 00:22:52,104 And the occasional lingering eye contact. 357 00:23:00,045 --> 00:23:04,516 But not now. I’m shifty. I can’t hold his gaze. He’ll see too much. 358 00:23:04,583 --> 00:23:06,518 [Stan] She’s avoiding eye contact. 359 00:23:06,585 --> 00:23:10,122 She’s keeping a distance. I should keep mine too. 360 00:23:10,388 --> 00:23:14,025 But it’s so satisfying, so tempting to try. 361 00:23:14,092 --> 00:23:16,828 Just give me one lingering look. 362 00:23:17,662 --> 00:23:21,566 I long for them. Have waited years for another. 363 00:23:21,633 --> 00:23:26,004 In the past, it was our only communication in the light of day. 364 00:23:26,071 --> 00:23:28,607 It could start as a casual glance across a room. 365 00:23:28,673 --> 00:23:33,078 Our eyes would make contact-- one second, two seconds. 366 00:23:33,812 --> 00:23:38,416 Then boom, three seconds. 367 00:23:38,483 --> 00:23:41,019 There’s something about that third second. 368 00:23:41,086 --> 00:23:43,054 It’s a well-established norm, I think. 369 00:23:43,121 --> 00:23:46,792 No one holds for that third second unless you’re saying something. 370 00:23:46,858 --> 00:23:49,961 And that something is big. 371 00:23:50,695 --> 00:23:53,865 The first few times, it takes you by surprise. 372 00:23:53,932 --> 00:23:57,903 And then it’s so good, you wanna go back for more and more. 373 00:23:57,969 --> 00:24:00,005 It’s never enough. 374 00:24:00,071 --> 00:24:03,675 Two pairs of eyes coming to rest on each other, 375 00:24:03,742 --> 00:24:06,511 as if to say there’s nothing else worth looking at. 376 00:24:06,578 --> 00:24:08,079 We are all there is. 377 00:24:08,146 --> 00:24:12,083 In that third second, we dip our feet into the pool of eternity. 378 00:24:12,150 --> 00:24:16,021 This is what it feels like, timelessness. 379 00:24:16,087 --> 00:24:21,593 And then that slow smile that starts in the fifth, maybe sixth second. 380 00:24:21,660 --> 00:24:26,498 I don’t know. You can’t count when you’re in a space devoid of time. 381 00:24:26,565 --> 00:24:28,967 It’s some other dimension altogether. 382 00:24:31,603 --> 00:24:35,507 [Jenny] In that space, he can see everything. 383 00:24:35,574 --> 00:24:39,611 He used to see everything when we locked eyes. 384 00:24:40,745 --> 00:24:46,751 You give over to someone, like a dog rolling to expose his belly. 385 00:24:46,818 --> 00:24:49,254 Vulnerable, trusting. 386 00:24:49,521 --> 00:24:52,524 And then the smile would come. 387 00:24:52,991 --> 00:24:56,494 -Slowly, teasing me apart, -[bee buzzing] 388 00:24:56,561 --> 00:24:59,965 prying me open like a flower in spring. 389 00:25:00,031 --> 00:25:03,668 It was new, unexplored, 390 00:25:03,735 --> 00:25:07,272 this other world that only we could create together. 391 00:25:07,539 --> 00:25:12,143 And I miss it, the way you miss your first home. 392 00:25:13,712 --> 00:25:17,515 Oh, no, not a problem at all. I mean, we are friends too, right? 393 00:25:17,582 --> 00:25:20,986 Yes, of course we are friends. 394 00:25:21,820 --> 00:25:25,223 Good friends. Close friends. 395 00:25:25,290 --> 00:25:28,260 [Stan] Shit. Stop while you’re ahead. 396 00:25:28,526 --> 00:25:30,896 [Jenny] I want to crawl into a hole right now. 397 00:25:31,596 --> 00:25:34,299 [Stan] Someone please save me! 398 00:25:34,566 --> 00:25:39,170 [man] Hey, Stan! Hey, Jen! I didn’t know you guys know each other. 399 00:25:39,237 --> 00:25:42,540 Uh, yeah, from school. 400 00:25:42,607 --> 00:25:44,276 No way! 401 00:25:45,977 --> 00:25:49,648 Yup, a long time. Good friends. 402 00:25:49,714 --> 00:25:53,218 Uh, am I interrupting something here? Could I join you? 403 00:25:53,285 --> 00:25:55,086 [Both] Please. 404 00:25:55,153 --> 00:25:57,055 Uh, anyone need another cup of coffee? 405 00:25:57,122 --> 00:25:58,723 [Both] No, we’re good. 406 00:26:07,232 --> 00:26:11,202 -I was waiting for Zac. -Me too. 407 00:26:32,924 --> 00:26:35,627 So, how long have you known Zac? 408 00:26:35,694 --> 00:26:37,829 Mmm, not long. 409 00:26:38,964 --> 00:26:43,201 [Jenny] What’s the best way to let this big, fat cat out of the bag? 410 00:26:43,268 --> 00:26:47,072 This was one secret I didn’t want to have to deal with. 411 00:26:47,138 --> 00:26:49,708 My plan was perfect-- find someone new, 412 00:26:49,774 --> 00:26:53,244 flirt a little, date a little, discreetly, 413 00:26:53,311 --> 00:26:57,749 and then let him make the move, so effectively, I’m not the one cheating. 414 00:26:57,816 --> 00:26:59,951 I just couldn’t fend him off. 415 00:27:00,018 --> 00:27:04,189 But I feel guilty enough that I let it get so far 416 00:27:04,255 --> 00:27:08,827 that there must be something deep down that made me realize 417 00:27:08,893 --> 00:27:10,829 we’re not right for each other. 418 00:27:10,895 --> 00:27:13,865 Now what? I have no idea what Zac will say. 419 00:27:13,932 --> 00:27:17,736 No idea why I agreed to meet him here in the first place, 420 00:27:17,802 --> 00:27:22,307 especially knowing that there was a chance, however remote, 421 00:27:22,374 --> 00:27:25,210 and hope, of bumping into Stan. 422 00:27:25,276 --> 00:27:28,279 [Stan] The fact is it’s not chance at all. 423 00:27:28,346 --> 00:27:33,284 I was thinking I finally worked it out-- statistics, chance. It’s none of those. 424 00:27:33,351 --> 00:27:36,921 It ends up being a premeditated decision by a mutual friend. 425 00:27:36,988 --> 00:27:41,426 At least I think he’s a friend of Jen’s. There was no sign they were anything else. 426 00:27:41,693 --> 00:27:45,230 Although, how many female friends do I have? 427 00:27:45,296 --> 00:27:47,198 Well, none. 428 00:27:47,265 --> 00:27:51,870 None that I haven’t at one stage wanted to date or nail in some way or other. 429 00:27:51,936 --> 00:27:53,671 I know that sounds crass. 430 00:27:53,738 --> 00:27:58,376 [Jenny] Would it be crass of me to leave? Get up and just leave. 431 00:27:58,443 --> 00:28:00,712 Make a lame excuse and go. 432 00:28:00,779 --> 00:28:02,414 Shit. 433 00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:07,218 All I was hoping for-- putting out positive waves of possibility for-- 434 00:28:07,285 --> 00:28:09,454 to bump into Stan again. 435 00:28:10,188 --> 00:28:13,792 All decimated by having a third person in the mix. 436 00:28:13,858 --> 00:28:16,728 And a significant other third person at that. 437 00:28:16,795 --> 00:28:18,797 [Stan] Chemistry is a delicate thing. 438 00:28:19,964 --> 00:28:24,002 I know because Jen and I were on a school chemistry titration team with one guy. 439 00:28:24,069 --> 00:28:26,404 I forgot his name. I blocked him out. 440 00:28:26,471 --> 00:28:29,274 He added two extra drops of a reagent to the mix. 441 00:28:29,340 --> 00:28:32,110 Two extra little drops 442 00:28:32,177 --> 00:28:36,748 and we ended up 103rd in a competition with only 100 entries. 443 00:28:36,815 --> 00:28:40,218 They didn’t include our result because it was so far off the graph, 444 00:28:40,285 --> 00:28:42,821 it would’ve ruined their bell curve. 445 00:28:42,887 --> 00:28:46,191 So when I say I wanted to nail them in some way or other, 446 00:28:46,257 --> 00:28:48,259 I mean that there is an attraction, 447 00:28:48,326 --> 00:28:51,062 something between you two that kept you coming back 448 00:28:51,129 --> 00:28:53,231 that had to be very carefully balanced 449 00:28:53,298 --> 00:28:56,201 to make sure you didn’t go too far or keep too distant 450 00:28:56,267 --> 00:28:59,137 because that could ruin a perfectly good friendship, 451 00:28:59,204 --> 00:29:01,740 one that’s based on mutual attraction. 452 00:29:01,806 --> 00:29:06,144 But with someone like Jen, you wanna tip the balance the whole way. 453 00:29:06,211 --> 00:29:08,947 Actually, you just wanna tip in the whole damn solution 454 00:29:09,013 --> 00:29:11,382 and share in the amazing explosion. 455 00:29:11,449 --> 00:29:14,119 But you don’t, and you titrate the reagent, 456 00:29:14,185 --> 00:29:18,857 drop by tantalizing drop, feeding the friendship/fantasy, 457 00:29:18,923 --> 00:29:21,960 maybe until you go too far and no one wants your result 458 00:29:22,026 --> 00:29:25,497 because you’ve taken it way outside the normal bell curve. 459 00:29:27,465 --> 00:29:30,235 How long have you known Zac? 460 00:29:30,301 --> 00:29:34,405 I met him at paintball a few months back. He shot me in the balls. 461 00:29:35,874 --> 00:29:40,178 And, uh, he stayed with me at hospital until it was all, you know, patched up. 462 00:29:40,245 --> 00:29:42,447 Are you all right? 463 00:29:42,514 --> 00:29:44,883 What, down there? Oh, yeah, I think so. 464 00:29:44,949 --> 00:29:47,952 I mean, it’s a little blue... from the paint. 465 00:29:48,019 --> 00:29:50,155 But mechanically, it’s all fine. 466 00:29:50,221 --> 00:29:57,228 Oh, my God. I’m sorry. I’m just trying not to imagine... anything. 467 00:29:58,029 --> 00:30:00,532 -[Jenny giggles] -[Stan] Great. 468 00:30:00,799 --> 00:30:03,134 The girl of my dreams is a foot away, 469 00:30:03,201 --> 00:30:06,137 we have a mutual friend about to interrupt us, 470 00:30:06,204 --> 00:30:11,309 and all I could muster up to tell her was an incident ending in blue balls. 471 00:30:11,376 --> 00:30:15,513 [Jenny] The strange thing is, I really did get concerned about his, 472 00:30:15,580 --> 00:30:20,118 well, his ability to father a child... or two. 473 00:30:20,919 --> 00:30:23,054 Is that looking too far into the future? 474 00:30:23,121 --> 00:30:26,925 The nesting instinct is so strong at this age. 475 00:30:26,991 --> 00:30:30,562 I want to nest. Just wanna have babies. 476 00:30:30,829 --> 00:30:33,231 Recently, with almost anyone. 477 00:30:33,298 --> 00:30:37,969 But now, I think of this man. But that was before blue balls. 478 00:30:38,036 --> 00:30:40,471 I’ve never had that feeling with Zac. 479 00:30:40,538 --> 00:30:46,377 We’ve slept together, but I’ve never felt my body belonged to him. 480 00:30:46,444 --> 00:30:50,949 I know it’s a strange thing to say, but, in my mind, 481 00:30:51,015 --> 00:30:55,386 I’ve always imagined this-- this giving over of my body, 482 00:30:55,453 --> 00:30:57,121 my soul 483 00:30:57,188 --> 00:30:59,057 to the one. 484 00:30:59,123 --> 00:31:03,561 And... I never felt even an inch of that with Zac. 485 00:31:04,529 --> 00:31:09,033 Sex was an act-- fun, pleasurable enough. 486 00:31:09,100 --> 00:31:14,906 There was attraction but no opening of my soul, 487 00:31:14,973 --> 00:31:17,175 no perfect sublimation. 488 00:31:18,443 --> 00:31:23,548 And that’s not a power thing. It’s just something that I want to do-- 489 00:31:23,615 --> 00:31:28,486 I feel I’ll instinctively do or experience with the right man. 490 00:31:29,187 --> 00:31:33,925 I’m sorry I told you the story. I bet Zac would have told you sooner or later. 491 00:31:33,992 --> 00:31:35,560 Strange he hasn’t. 492 00:31:35,627 --> 00:31:37,962 A story about being the cause of blue balls 493 00:31:38,029 --> 00:31:40,431 is not something you can bring up at any time. 494 00:31:43,401 --> 00:31:45,503 So, how did you two meet? 495 00:31:46,371 --> 00:31:49,107 -On Tinder. -What? 496 00:31:49,908 --> 00:31:53,311 You know, on your phone. You swipe through people’s pictures 497 00:31:53,378 --> 00:31:57,215 and whoever’s around who’s also swiping, 498 00:31:57,282 --> 00:31:59,584 you guys connect. 499 00:32:00,385 --> 00:32:02,453 -Totally by chance? -Yeah. 500 00:32:02,520 --> 00:32:08,493 You get to meet people who you may never, ever get to meet in your life. 501 00:32:10,028 --> 00:32:12,030 And you just started chatting? 502 00:32:12,096 --> 00:32:17,101 Mm-hmm. It’s kinda like a dating thing. 503 00:32:17,168 --> 00:32:20,371 [Jenny] And there it was. I slipped it in. Or slipped it out. 504 00:32:20,438 --> 00:32:24,709 The cat, out of the bag, into the middle of the fucking room. 505 00:32:24,976 --> 00:32:27,478 And now, in the silence that ensued, 506 00:32:27,545 --> 00:32:31,616 the cat grew as big as the ten-year silence between us. 507 00:32:32,417 --> 00:32:36,421 It was palpable, a crushing, decimating blow. 508 00:32:36,487 --> 00:32:39,390 I know it. I could see it. 509 00:32:39,457 --> 00:32:43,127 [Stan] I was totally, absolutely winded. 510 00:32:43,194 --> 00:32:46,197 Couldn’t find any words, even though I was racking my brains 511 00:32:46,264 --> 00:32:49,200 to say something casual, off the cuff. 512 00:32:49,267 --> 00:32:52,003 Anything to divert the attention from the big, fat conclusion-- 513 00:32:52,070 --> 00:32:55,206 Zac and Jen are dating. 514 00:33:02,313 --> 00:33:06,217 [Jen] And I’m reeling, too, at the shame, the secret connection between us. 515 00:33:06,284 --> 00:33:10,655 Somehow I’d unwittingly been disloyal to it, broken our pact, 516 00:33:10,722 --> 00:33:16,294 dirtied our secret island by bringing the big, bad world into it. 517 00:33:16,361 --> 00:33:19,097 But part of me was happy, 518 00:33:19,163 --> 00:33:24,335 elated to see that under all the soil, the gravel and mulch 519 00:33:24,402 --> 00:33:28,673 there’s a seed growing, sprouting for me. 520 00:33:28,740 --> 00:33:32,477 Sometimes you have to hurt someone to find out if they really like you. 521 00:33:32,543 --> 00:33:36,180 And I think he really likes me. 522 00:33:37,615 --> 00:33:39,350 [Zac] What’s up, guys? 523 00:33:39,417 --> 00:33:41,686 What have you both been talking about? 524 00:33:41,753 --> 00:33:43,621 Better yet, what have you been thinking? 525 00:33:43,688 --> 00:33:46,391 That’s what Jen likes to ask. Don’t you, honey? 526 00:33:46,457 --> 00:33:49,360 So, what have you both been thinking? 527 00:33:51,329 --> 00:33:53,331 [no audible dialogue] 528 00:34:14,619 --> 00:34:16,354 [Zac] What’s up, guys? 529 00:34:16,421 --> 00:34:18,656 What have you both been talking about? 530 00:34:18,723 --> 00:34:20,658 Or better yet, what have you been thinking? 531 00:34:20,725 --> 00:34:23,428 That’s what Jen likes to ask. Don’t you, honey? 532 00:34:23,494 --> 00:34:26,097 So, what have you both been thinking? 533 00:34:26,164 --> 00:34:28,800 It used to take me by surprise-- it’s so disarming. 534 00:34:29,067 --> 00:34:31,169 And I could never lie about it. 535 00:34:31,235 --> 00:34:34,705 So I would just come up with the honest answer. 536 00:34:37,842 --> 00:34:42,180 [Stan] And there it is-- the confirmation, the stamp of ownership. 537 00:34:42,246 --> 00:34:45,683 Sign language between guys-- “she’s mine.” 538 00:34:45,750 --> 00:34:49,587 And there in the space just after, she tries to smile. 539 00:34:49,654 --> 00:34:51,589 Everything is in the trying. 540 00:34:51,656 --> 00:34:54,592 The attempt, the obstacle or resistance to the attempt, 541 00:34:54,659 --> 00:34:58,496 all whilst holding direct eye contact. 542 00:34:58,563 --> 00:35:00,565 It says so much. 543 00:35:02,233 --> 00:35:04,669 There are 43 muscles in the face, apparently, 544 00:35:04,735 --> 00:35:08,406 17 muscles needed to smile, all controlled by one nerve, 545 00:35:08,473 --> 00:35:10,608 the facial nerve, which has five branches-- 546 00:35:10,675 --> 00:35:13,878 temporal, buccal, cervical, mandibular, zygomatic. 547 00:35:14,145 --> 00:35:17,682 All innervating different muscles, working in concert like an orchestra 548 00:35:17,748 --> 00:35:21,719 to create expression in both space and time. 549 00:35:21,786 --> 00:35:24,689 And timing is everything. 550 00:35:25,323 --> 00:35:28,359 The amount of time she holds the smile, 551 00:35:28,426 --> 00:35:31,129 the time it takes for her to reach the smile, 552 00:35:31,195 --> 00:35:35,366 the lack of a full smile, the lack of the smile in her eyes, 553 00:35:35,433 --> 00:35:38,369 the slight sadness, the dropping of the smile, 554 00:35:38,436 --> 00:35:40,471 the lingering eye contact, 555 00:35:40,538 --> 00:35:42,507 the time she takes to drop eye contact 556 00:35:42,573 --> 00:35:45,176 in the context of him sitting right next to her, 557 00:35:45,243 --> 00:35:48,779 watching her every move, no matter how subtle. 558 00:35:48,846 --> 00:35:50,615 And what does this all say? 559 00:35:51,282 --> 00:35:53,718 What I’m believing she’s saying is, 560 00:35:53,784 --> 00:35:56,621 “I’m so sorry for this, that he’s here. 561 00:35:56,687 --> 00:35:59,323 It’s interrupted our world, our time together. 562 00:35:59,390 --> 00:36:02,226 It’s brought our magic crashing back down to reality. 563 00:36:02,293 --> 00:36:05,796 And though I want to move on as if it’s nothing, I can’t. I won’t. 564 00:36:05,863 --> 00:36:09,167 I want so much to turn back time. Please know this. 565 00:36:09,233 --> 00:36:13,838 Please know that ten years on it hasn’t changed.” 566 00:36:13,905 --> 00:36:15,907 [Jenny] He returns the favor. 567 00:36:17,608 --> 00:36:20,378 I’ve lived years on the memory of these looks, 568 00:36:20,444 --> 00:36:22,680 the silent messages that mean so much more 569 00:36:22,747 --> 00:36:25,716 than anything we ever have to even say to each other. 570 00:36:27,185 --> 00:36:30,855 The lingering of his eyes on me, the smile. 571 00:36:30,922 --> 00:36:34,959 A moment like this can replace months of anything with someone like Zac. 572 00:36:35,226 --> 00:36:39,597 People say that heaven or eternity is a long, long time. 573 00:36:39,664 --> 00:36:43,968 I think it’s actually the absence of time-- timelessness. 574 00:36:44,235 --> 00:36:47,939 That “aha!” moment when you stare out on top of the Austrian Alps, 575 00:36:48,206 --> 00:36:54,812 when you try to take in the vastness of the sea, the sky, the Milky Way. 576 00:36:54,879 --> 00:36:59,350 This same “aha!” moment staring into his eyes 577 00:36:59,417 --> 00:37:02,954 when you feel that something deep inside resonates with the universe, 578 00:37:03,221 --> 00:37:05,523 that all the misunderstood and unknowable 579 00:37:05,590 --> 00:37:07,892 somehow just makes sense, 580 00:37:07,959 --> 00:37:11,529 when the experience of these moments are beyond time, 581 00:37:11,596 --> 00:37:13,731 can take you back years, 582 00:37:13,798 --> 00:37:17,668 make you feel like a vulnerable teenage girl looking for approval, 583 00:37:17,735 --> 00:37:20,271 for a boy to like her. 584 00:37:20,338 --> 00:37:22,940 And each replaying of these moments 585 00:37:23,007 --> 00:37:25,576 takes you into a different world, 586 00:37:25,643 --> 00:37:29,413 a world devoid of space and time. 587 00:37:29,480 --> 00:37:30,982 So? 588 00:37:32,283 --> 00:37:35,553 I was just thinking about timelessness 589 00:37:35,620 --> 00:37:38,756 and how some things in the world are just beyond time. 590 00:37:38,823 --> 00:37:41,359 [Zac chuckles] Come on. Nothing is beyond time. 591 00:37:41,425 --> 00:37:43,828 Look, we’re born into time, we die in time. 592 00:37:43,894 --> 00:37:45,997 Sometimes before our time. 593 00:37:46,831 --> 00:37:50,835 You mean like that time at camp when we were sitting on the hill, 594 00:37:50,901 --> 00:37:52,637 soaking it all in, right? 595 00:37:52,703 --> 00:37:55,606 So it was a nice view, this place? 596 00:37:56,407 --> 00:37:57,842 No, no, it’s kind of transcendent. 597 00:37:57,908 --> 00:38:02,546 Like your understanding of the universe is beyond thinking. 598 00:38:02,613 --> 00:38:06,817 Yeah. It’s beyond our level of understanding. 599 00:38:06,884 --> 00:38:08,853 Which is bound by space and time. 600 00:38:08,919 --> 00:38:12,456 So, uh, this place had a really, really nice view? 601 00:38:13,557 --> 00:38:15,026 [both] Yeah. 602 00:38:17,361 --> 00:38:20,798 [Stan] And all that talk about stars and time and space, 603 00:38:20,865 --> 00:38:22,867 it means nothing ultimately, 604 00:38:22,933 --> 00:38:25,770 highlighted by a moment like this. 605 00:38:25,836 --> 00:38:27,638 It haunts me, this image-- 606 00:38:27,705 --> 00:38:31,309 her leaving, turning to smile at me as if to say, 607 00:38:31,375 --> 00:38:33,711 “Why didn’t you do anything? Why? 608 00:38:33,778 --> 00:38:36,314 In the ten years or preceding years? 609 00:38:36,380 --> 00:38:39,583 This is your fault. I’m here because of you. 610 00:38:39,650 --> 00:38:43,921 This ever-widening gap-- all your doing!” 611 00:38:44,588 --> 00:38:47,058 Her looks, her smiles, 612 00:38:47,325 --> 00:38:50,928 everything a message, a clue to her inner wants, 613 00:38:50,995 --> 00:38:55,366 and I have done absolutely nothing about it. 614 00:38:56,467 --> 00:38:59,403 I stand on the sideline paralyzed by thoughts, 615 00:38:59,470 --> 00:39:02,340 by suppositions, by probability, by theories. 616 00:39:02,406 --> 00:39:04,442 All I had to do was act, 617 00:39:04,508 --> 00:39:07,478 take a step, make a move. 618 00:39:07,545 --> 00:39:10,481 The timelessness of all these moments are all well and good 619 00:39:10,548 --> 00:39:13,484 until you have to return to this world of time... 620 00:39:14,352 --> 00:39:17,922 and you realize you have to do something within the bounds of time. 621 00:39:17,988 --> 00:39:20,725 And though you realize it with every bone in your body, 622 00:39:20,791 --> 00:39:25,896 you also realize that what we hate most about time is loss, 623 00:39:25,963 --> 00:39:28,666 and with loss comes fear. 624 00:39:28,733 --> 00:39:31,068 And so it’s better to linger with timelessness... 625 00:39:31,836 --> 00:39:34,939 than to face the possibility of loss. 626 00:40:03,634 --> 00:40:06,003 [Jenny] Tonight I sat on the edge of a cliff. 627 00:40:07,571 --> 00:40:11,108 The power of the waves, their endless reach 628 00:40:11,175 --> 00:40:16,147 juxtaposed with the end of light fading so gracefully into the night. 629 00:40:18,416 --> 00:40:22,987 It’s a transition that’s so beautiful, but one that we fight every day. 630 00:40:23,053 --> 00:40:27,024 Time-- scary, but blissful. 631 00:40:27,992 --> 00:40:29,994 I love my solitude on the cliff. 632 00:40:31,162 --> 00:40:34,031 I asked my mom once if she would bring me 633 00:40:34,098 --> 00:40:37,635 and leave me here alone to return in my own time. 634 00:40:37,701 --> 00:40:41,005 She laughed and told me I can do that when I become a woman... 635 00:40:41,972 --> 00:40:46,110 but that the irony is, the older I get, the less alone I’ll want to be. 636 00:40:47,144 --> 00:40:50,915 But I can imagine sitting on this cliff with somebody else. 637 00:40:51,682 --> 00:40:52,983 A special someone. 638 00:40:56,887 --> 00:41:00,024 [no audible dialogue] 639 00:41:04,462 --> 00:41:07,932 [no audible dialogue] 640 00:41:21,645 --> 00:41:23,514 [Jenny] Yes, I do feel guilty, 641 00:41:23,581 --> 00:41:26,550 although I haven’t done anything wrong objectively. 642 00:41:26,617 --> 00:41:30,221 It is wrong. My objective is wrong. 643 00:41:30,488 --> 00:41:35,493 I’m here, but I want to be somewhere else. To be fair, I should let him know-- Zac. 644 00:41:36,227 --> 00:41:37,695 What’s wrong with me? 645 00:41:37,761 --> 00:41:41,732 I’ve been here before and never had a problem with it, the overlap. 646 00:41:41,799 --> 00:41:46,670 It’s normal, isn’t it, to have some amount of overlap between relationships? 647 00:41:46,737 --> 00:41:49,039 You don’t break up with someone for no reason. 648 00:41:49,106 --> 00:41:52,109 Who wants to be single with nowhere to go on Friday night? 649 00:41:52,776 --> 00:41:54,945 And yet there’s something building up in me, 650 00:41:55,012 --> 00:41:57,781 an excitement from that little meeting, 651 00:41:57,848 --> 00:42:00,885 I’ve been wondering what it is, and I think I’ve finally realized 652 00:42:00,951 --> 00:42:03,254 that it’s potential. 653 00:42:03,521 --> 00:42:07,791 There are men who inspire your imagination, who are aspirational... 654 00:42:08,259 --> 00:42:10,728 who make the images of your togetherness 655 00:42:10,794 --> 00:42:14,031 bigger than anything you’d ever imagine for yourself. 656 00:42:14,098 --> 00:42:17,134 These thoughts, these feelings build, 657 00:42:17,201 --> 00:42:19,637 like the currents of an ocean-- 658 00:42:19,703 --> 00:42:22,206 invisible, but powerful-- 659 00:42:22,273 --> 00:42:24,074 and I’m at their mercy. 660 00:42:24,141 --> 00:42:27,244 The undertow is so strong it sucks me back in, 661 00:42:27,311 --> 00:42:31,815 pulls me under, then drives me back to shore on an exhilarating ride. 662 00:42:36,620 --> 00:42:40,124 [no audible dialogue] 663 00:42:45,129 --> 00:42:49,900 The waves come in, subside, then surge again. 664 00:42:50,568 --> 00:42:53,137 With them comes the guilt. 665 00:42:54,038 --> 00:42:56,840 There’s absolutely nothing wrong with Zac. 666 00:42:56,907 --> 00:42:58,876 Nothing at all. 667 00:42:58,943 --> 00:43:02,212 -I think I could marry someone like Zac. -Wow. 668 00:43:02,279 --> 00:43:05,683 That’s the first time I’ve heard you say the word “marry” 669 00:43:05,749 --> 00:43:07,785 in the same sentence as someone else. 670 00:43:07,851 --> 00:43:10,788 I know. I must be growing up. 671 00:43:11,288 --> 00:43:12,856 It’s a good thing, right? 672 00:43:12,923 --> 00:43:15,593 But you did say someone “like” Zac. 673 00:43:16,694 --> 00:43:18,696 That’s not a good sign. 674 00:43:18,762 --> 00:43:20,731 For Zac anyway. 675 00:43:20,798 --> 00:43:23,667 [Jenny] There it was, the big, bold elephant in the room 676 00:43:23,734 --> 00:43:25,836 we all ignore at some point. 677 00:43:25,903 --> 00:43:28,639 I think many ignore it for life, 678 00:43:28,706 --> 00:43:31,008 marrying for no other reason than-- 679 00:43:31,075 --> 00:43:34,011 Yeah, but there’s nothing wrong with him. You know? 680 00:43:34,078 --> 00:43:35,746 [Jenny] But now I know why. 681 00:43:35,813 --> 00:43:38,382 ’Cause one day you’re going to bump into someone 682 00:43:38,649 --> 00:43:40,618 and in that brief meeting, 683 00:43:40,684 --> 00:43:44,622 although it may have absolutely inconsequential passing of real content... 684 00:43:45,756 --> 00:43:48,125 the currents that will begin to stir in you 685 00:43:48,192 --> 00:43:52,896 will never allow you to stay with that “nothing wrong with him” guy. 686 00:43:52,963 --> 00:43:56,133 [Stan] I imagine her with Zac on the cliff. 687 00:43:56,200 --> 00:43:58,802 Our cliff. 688 00:43:58,869 --> 00:44:01,005 I don’t even know where that cliff is. 689 00:44:01,071 --> 00:44:03,974 I imagine where she may be late at night with Zac. 690 00:44:04,041 --> 00:44:07,177 Here I am, getting jealous when I have absolutely no right. 691 00:44:07,244 --> 00:44:11,882 But there it is-- awful feelings, awful thoughts, and I hate myself for it. 692 00:44:11,949 --> 00:44:15,352 I hate my spinelessness, my jealousy, my romantic ideal. 693 00:44:15,419 --> 00:44:18,689 I hate that she has dirtied it with Zac. 694 00:44:18,756 --> 00:44:21,191 I hate Zac and the time she has with him. 695 00:44:21,258 --> 00:44:24,328 And I hate that hating all these things doesn’t in the least 696 00:44:24,395 --> 00:44:26,997 make me any more attractive to her 697 00:44:27,064 --> 00:44:31,902 or get me any closer to calling her to “keep in touch.” 698 00:44:33,003 --> 00:44:35,839 Her number was my lifeline in school. 699 00:44:36,407 --> 00:44:39,009 She’s thrown it out to me again. 700 00:44:39,076 --> 00:44:42,346 Let’s face it. I’m drowning here. 701 00:44:58,762 --> 00:45:02,099 Who sits where? I’ve heard about this. 702 00:45:02,166 --> 00:45:05,702 It’s huge. Like, who gets to sit on the main table? 703 00:45:05,769 --> 00:45:08,272 Is it gonna be, like, equal? 704 00:45:08,338 --> 00:45:11,742 You have this many? And then, how many colleagues? 705 00:45:11,809 --> 00:45:15,813 -And then the price gets-- -Excuse me. I need to go to the ladies’. 706 00:45:28,425 --> 00:45:30,894 [Jenny] The tide has come in. 707 00:45:57,254 --> 00:45:59,323 [Stan] And then it starts, 708 00:45:59,389 --> 00:46:01,425 the anxiety bubbling away. 709 00:46:01,492 --> 00:46:05,095 The wait-- excruciating, but addictive. 710 00:46:05,762 --> 00:46:07,397 Five seconds. 711 00:46:07,464 --> 00:46:09,099 Ten seconds. 712 00:46:09,933 --> 00:46:11,969 A minute. 713 00:46:12,035 --> 00:46:14,071 Time says a lot. 714 00:46:14,138 --> 00:46:17,508 It’s the language between the words when someone replies. 715 00:46:17,774 --> 00:46:19,910 The gap says so much. 716 00:46:19,977 --> 00:46:21,411 I know she’s read it. 717 00:46:21,478 --> 00:46:24,481 If she takes a minute to start typing it’s because-- 718 00:46:47,571 --> 00:46:49,306 [Stan] Maybe I’ve overstepped the boundaries. 719 00:46:49,373 --> 00:46:53,377 She’s taken. It was wrong to bring up something of the past-- childish. 720 00:46:53,443 --> 00:46:56,079 What sick, obsessed kind of spineless man 721 00:46:56,146 --> 00:46:58,549 hangs onto the content of middle school letters? 722 00:46:58,815 --> 00:47:02,219 It’s over, school. She’s grown up. She’s moved on. 723 00:47:02,286 --> 00:47:04,821 She wants a man, not a boy. 724 00:47:05,956 --> 00:47:07,491 [phone chimes] 725 00:47:10,227 --> 00:47:14,231 [Stan] I’m a fool. I’ve made a frickin’ fool of myself. 726 00:47:14,298 --> 00:47:15,966 [Stan groans] 727 00:47:16,033 --> 00:47:18,969 [Jenny] He’s read it, and the clock starts now. 728 00:47:19,036 --> 00:47:22,272 -[ticking] -Ten seconds. 729 00:47:22,339 --> 00:47:24,441 Twenty seconds. 730 00:47:24,508 --> 00:47:27,244 A minute. A minute is the maximum I’ll give. 731 00:47:27,311 --> 00:47:29,513 After that, you don’t really care. 732 00:47:29,580 --> 00:47:31,949 I’ll give anyone the benefit of the doubt. 733 00:47:32,015 --> 00:47:34,151 There aren’t many occasions where you read a message 734 00:47:34,218 --> 00:47:37,254 but can’t reply within the space of a minute thereafter. 735 00:47:37,854 --> 00:47:40,123 I can think of only a couple of occasions. 736 00:47:41,625 --> 00:47:44,528 [phone chiming melody] 737 00:47:46,997 --> 00:47:49,866 -[phone continues chiming] -[sirens wailing] 738 00:47:55,205 --> 00:47:56,607 [splash] 739 00:47:59,176 --> 00:48:02,346 [Stan] Recover. Rebuild your image. Women don’t like saps. 740 00:48:02,412 --> 00:48:05,616 They want strong, hardwood men. 741 00:48:11,555 --> 00:48:13,190 That’s a good turnaround. 742 00:48:13,257 --> 00:48:17,294 You’re a player. You’re wanted. You’re the boss. 743 00:48:21,298 --> 00:48:24,334 [Jenny] Oh. He’s dating someone. 744 00:48:31,041 --> 00:48:32,276 -Then you gotta do-- -Yeah. 745 00:48:32,342 --> 00:48:36,947 If you’re in media, you’d treat it like a wedding film. And it’s gotta be good. 746 00:48:37,014 --> 00:48:41,251 [man] I don’t get it, all this... [continues, muttering] 747 00:48:41,318 --> 00:48:43,253 Hey, is everything all right? 748 00:48:43,320 --> 00:48:44,655 Yeah. 749 00:48:46,923 --> 00:48:48,692 -Why? -I-I don’t know. 750 00:48:48,959 --> 00:48:51,461 -You just look a little pale. -No. I’m fine. 751 00:48:52,429 --> 00:48:56,466 Okay, so, what I really don’t get is the ring. 752 00:48:56,533 --> 00:48:59,469 Like, who said you have to get, like, diamonds... 753 00:49:04,374 --> 00:49:06,076 [Stan] It’s not like letter-writing. 754 00:49:06,143 --> 00:49:08,378 It’s immediate, but without the emotional feedback 755 00:49:08,445 --> 00:49:10,314 of a face-to-face conversation, 756 00:49:10,380 --> 00:49:15,285 without those 47 separate facial muscles telling you it’s okay, you’re accepted, 757 00:49:15,352 --> 00:49:19,122 smiling on your every word, even when you trip over yourself. 758 00:49:19,189 --> 00:49:21,958 Emoticons just don’t cut it. 759 00:49:22,025 --> 00:49:25,462 With letters we risked everything. 760 00:49:25,529 --> 00:49:27,664 There’s no response, line by line. 761 00:49:27,731 --> 00:49:32,202 You just have to cut a path with your words, go with it and write. 762 00:49:32,269 --> 00:49:35,172 And, after a page or two, you send. 763 00:49:35,238 --> 00:49:37,307 Everything poured in. 764 00:49:37,374 --> 00:49:39,609 Nothing to temper your words. 765 00:49:39,676 --> 00:49:43,747 You’re looking for nothing in return. It’s a gift, a blind gift. 766 00:49:44,481 --> 00:49:46,450 Take it or leave it. 767 00:49:47,150 --> 00:49:50,354 I’m not editing based on any initial reactions. 768 00:49:50,420 --> 00:49:52,489 That’s the beauty of a letter. 769 00:49:52,556 --> 00:49:56,026 [Jenny] It’s too late now. The moment has passed. 770 00:49:57,027 --> 00:50:01,565 It’s too late anyway. It’d be rude or suggesting too much to reply. 771 00:50:02,733 --> 00:50:05,535 I really miss the days when we had no censorship... 772 00:50:06,236 --> 00:50:10,240 when talking into the night until parents warned us to go to bed was the norm. 773 00:50:11,675 --> 00:50:17,447 When I was free to express my ideals for two pages before sealing and sending. 774 00:50:17,514 --> 00:50:21,118 This game of back and forth, it’s a constant struggle, 775 00:50:21,184 --> 00:50:24,221 reading into everything and knowing nothing. 776 00:50:24,755 --> 00:50:28,191 [Stan] The ball’s in her court. If she’s interested, she’ll reply. 777 00:50:28,258 --> 00:50:30,427 [Jenny] He’s basically told me he’s dating. 778 00:50:30,494 --> 00:50:32,796 And he’s not making a move. 779 00:50:33,063 --> 00:50:36,099 I gave him my number. The ball’s in his court. 780 00:50:36,166 --> 00:50:38,168 If he’s interested, he’ll ask me out. 781 00:50:38,235 --> 00:50:40,270 [Stan] In any mathematical proof, 782 00:50:40,337 --> 00:50:43,039 you may know all the steps involved with the proof. 783 00:50:43,106 --> 00:50:47,411 But to get to the proof, there is always that amazing step 784 00:50:47,477 --> 00:50:50,080 when the miraculous leap of faith happens-- 785 00:50:50,147 --> 00:50:53,750 the “aha!” moment when you somehow, whilst studying the problem, 786 00:50:53,817 --> 00:50:56,420 get hit by a bolt of mathematical lightning 787 00:50:56,486 --> 00:51:01,158 and you think you know just where to jump, how to jump into it, 788 00:51:01,224 --> 00:51:04,428 what the rest of the proof is, the path to the answer. 789 00:51:04,494 --> 00:51:09,599 It’s a risk, but you have to take it, and more often than not it works. 790 00:51:10,267 --> 00:51:13,703 Nothing logical in that step. It’s faith. 791 00:51:13,770 --> 00:51:17,340 I set out to solve this proof-- Jenny. 792 00:51:17,407 --> 00:51:20,610 It requires a leap of faith. 793 00:51:22,612 --> 00:51:25,248 [cell phone rings] 794 00:51:26,082 --> 00:51:29,319 -Hello? -Hi. It’s Stan. 795 00:51:29,386 --> 00:51:33,490 -I’m sorry I’m calling so late. -No, no, it’s fine. 796 00:51:33,557 --> 00:51:36,259 My parents are asleep. 797 00:51:37,661 --> 00:51:39,262 So are mine. 798 00:51:42,399 --> 00:51:45,101 -So... -Yeah, so... 799 00:51:48,405 --> 00:51:50,106 Yes? 800 00:51:50,740 --> 00:51:53,877 I have a problem, 801 00:51:54,144 --> 00:51:58,582 a proof that I’d like to run past you. 802 00:51:59,816 --> 00:52:01,318 For old times’ sake? 803 00:52:01,818 --> 00:52:03,487 Yeah. 804 00:52:03,553 --> 00:52:05,422 Okay, sure. 805 00:52:06,122 --> 00:52:09,392 Do you know the Murakami story... 806 00:52:10,193 --> 00:52:12,829 about the 100% perfect girl? 807 00:52:13,730 --> 00:52:15,465 No, I don’t. 808 00:52:15,532 --> 00:52:19,903 Well, it’s about how a young girl and a boy meet, 809 00:52:20,170 --> 00:52:23,340 and they’re perfect for each other. 810 00:52:23,406 --> 00:52:25,375 Perfect? 811 00:52:25,442 --> 00:52:27,811 One hundred percent perfect. 812 00:52:28,745 --> 00:52:31,548 And they told each other stories 813 00:52:31,615 --> 00:52:34,451 and they completely accepted each other 814 00:52:34,518 --> 00:52:37,654 and they no longer felt alone. 815 00:52:39,923 --> 00:52:45,529 They really had found the 100% perfect other for themselves. 816 00:52:47,931 --> 00:52:50,600 But over time they doubted the miracle 817 00:52:50,667 --> 00:52:53,503 and started thinking, 818 00:52:53,570 --> 00:52:57,674 was it really all right for their dreams to come true so easily? 819 00:52:58,708 --> 00:53:01,244 So they decided to test themselves... 820 00:53:01,811 --> 00:53:03,780 just once, 821 00:53:03,847 --> 00:53:05,882 to separate, 822 00:53:05,949 --> 00:53:09,586 and if they really were perfect for each other 823 00:53:09,653 --> 00:53:13,223 they’d meet again, they’d know it, 824 00:53:13,290 --> 00:53:16,593 and they’d get married right there and then. 825 00:53:17,761 --> 00:53:19,829 But they moved on in life 826 00:53:19,896 --> 00:53:24,634 and became cynical and doubtful of all their ideals? 827 00:53:24,701 --> 00:53:26,336 Yes. 828 00:53:27,304 --> 00:53:30,206 So much so that 829 00:53:30,273 --> 00:53:32,976 one day when they passed each other on the streets, 830 00:53:33,243 --> 00:53:36,646 they forgot how perfect they were for each other? 831 00:53:38,315 --> 00:53:41,651 Their memories were so faint, 832 00:53:41,718 --> 00:53:45,622 he could barely drum up the courage to talk to her. 833 00:53:46,990 --> 00:53:49,626 Well, that is a problem. 834 00:53:51,261 --> 00:53:54,397 How do you propose we solve that? 835 00:53:55,398 --> 00:53:56,933 Well... 836 00:53:59,703 --> 00:54:01,805 they should never have parted. 837 00:54:04,407 --> 00:54:08,578 Well, that’s not the problem at hand now, because they have parted. 838 00:54:09,613 --> 00:54:11,348 Well, then... 839 00:54:13,316 --> 00:54:14,884 when they meet again... 840 00:54:15,919 --> 00:54:17,454 he should... 841 00:54:18,922 --> 00:54:20,790 tell her the story... 842 00:54:21,658 --> 00:54:23,960 the whole story. 843 00:54:26,663 --> 00:54:28,732 Yes, he should. 844 00:54:30,700 --> 00:54:32,836 I think you got your proof. 845 00:54:59,396 --> 00:55:00,830 This isn’t a cliff. 846 00:55:00,897 --> 00:55:03,333 It’s the closest thing you’re gonna get around here. 847 00:55:03,400 --> 00:55:05,635 -So all that you wrote about-- -A vivid imagination. 848 00:55:05,702 --> 00:55:07,470 -It wasn’t real? -What’s real? 849 00:55:07,537 --> 00:55:11,041 Our feelings? Our imagination? Is that not real? 850 00:55:16,913 --> 00:55:18,648 So, 851 00:55:18,715 --> 00:55:20,617 this is my cliff. 852 00:55:25,955 --> 00:55:29,359 Your cave-- it isn’t really a cave, is it? 853 00:55:35,865 --> 00:55:37,734 The “aha!” moment. 854 00:55:37,801 --> 00:55:39,402 Yep. 855 00:55:43,073 --> 00:55:45,642 You know, you’re the first one I’ve brought up here. 856 00:55:52,048 --> 00:55:54,551 [Stan] In the 15 years we’ve known each other, 857 00:55:54,617 --> 00:55:57,954 I can’t remember ever being this close to her. 858 00:55:59,022 --> 00:56:01,524 I can smell her hair. 859 00:56:01,591 --> 00:56:04,828 Her sweat, it’s intoxicating. 860 00:56:05,729 --> 00:56:09,532 I can feel the distance between us wanting to close. 861 00:56:09,599 --> 00:56:13,103 My stomach churns, but it’s warm. 862 00:56:13,369 --> 00:56:16,072 [Jenny] Usually I care about a million things-- 863 00:56:16,139 --> 00:56:19,375 Did I match my shoes with my bag? Am I overdressed? 864 00:56:20,477 --> 00:56:22,712 Is my mascara running from the heat? 865 00:56:22,779 --> 00:56:26,049 Am I too close? Can he see my crow’s-feet? 866 00:56:26,116 --> 00:56:29,853 But there’s something about someone who knows you from when you had 867 00:56:29,919 --> 00:56:33,790 no class, no style and no fashion. 868 00:56:33,857 --> 00:56:36,526 School uniforms and being a teenager-- 869 00:56:36,593 --> 00:56:39,496 the greatest equalizers. 870 00:56:39,562 --> 00:56:42,098 He knew me then in the heat of summer-- 871 00:56:42,165 --> 00:56:45,902 wet backs drenched from sweat, 872 00:56:45,969 --> 00:56:49,472 unglam hair, pimples and training bras. 873 00:56:49,539 --> 00:56:51,074 The horror. 874 00:56:51,141 --> 00:56:54,844 He knew it all, and there’s so much comfort in that-- 875 00:56:54,911 --> 00:56:58,748 a homely comfort, a favorite old pair of pajamas comfort 876 00:56:58,815 --> 00:57:01,551 that I really, really like. 877 00:57:01,618 --> 00:57:03,153 What are you thinking? 878 00:57:03,419 --> 00:57:06,156 -That’s my line. -But I asked first. 879 00:57:07,524 --> 00:57:10,193 [Jenny] But within all this comfort 880 00:57:10,460 --> 00:57:12,929 is the fear that the wrong move, the wrong words 881 00:57:12,996 --> 00:57:14,697 will make it all go away, 882 00:57:14,764 --> 00:57:17,901 as if he let you in because he thought you were someone else. 883 00:57:19,602 --> 00:57:24,441 Don’t give it away-- your inner faults and fears, 884 00:57:24,507 --> 00:57:28,511 girlie desires, superficialities. 885 00:57:29,546 --> 00:57:33,883 [Stan] I used to write pages to her that would start and pour out effortlessly. 886 00:57:33,950 --> 00:57:38,822 But here, now, I can barely construct full sentences. 887 00:57:39,456 --> 00:57:43,960 The oral part of my brain is completely separated from the writing section. 888 00:57:44,027 --> 00:57:45,862 This is my only explanation. 889 00:57:46,563 --> 00:57:48,131 There is a massive disconnect. 890 00:57:48,898 --> 00:57:50,567 For her too, I’m thinking. 891 00:57:50,633 --> 00:57:53,203 I was thinking about your story. 892 00:57:53,470 --> 00:57:54,771 [Stan] She brought it up. 893 00:57:55,238 --> 00:57:57,140 The big elephant in the room metaphor 894 00:57:57,207 --> 00:57:59,742 that was so easy to talk about in third person, 895 00:57:59,809 --> 00:58:03,246 so easy to share in, like some complicit secret. 896 00:58:03,513 --> 00:58:08,685 But now, here in the open, it’s like opening my chest and asking, 897 00:58:08,751 --> 00:58:12,789 “What is that, that heart thing, and what does it feel?” 898 00:58:12,856 --> 00:58:18,161 And how you thought that he should tell her his story. 899 00:58:22,265 --> 00:58:24,667 What-- What did he tell her? 900 00:58:26,035 --> 00:58:27,637 Well... 901 00:58:31,541 --> 00:58:33,643 I don’t know where to start. 902 00:58:35,111 --> 00:58:38,715 They meet again after years of being apart. 903 00:58:39,082 --> 00:58:44,721 [Stan] And their memory of how close they were... 904 00:58:45,588 --> 00:58:49,792 had become so faint and so full of doubt 905 00:58:49,859 --> 00:58:53,796 that they could barely speak to each other. 906 00:58:57,567 --> 00:59:00,837 [chuckles] Help me out here. Anytime. 907 00:59:03,973 --> 00:59:08,077 She sensed it in herself, and in him. 908 00:59:09,679 --> 00:59:14,717 So she quickly ripped out a couple of pages of a notepad 909 00:59:14,784 --> 00:59:16,819 and handed it to him. 910 00:59:18,121 --> 00:59:21,157 “Write to me instead,” she said. 911 00:59:24,160 --> 00:59:25,562 [Stan] He took the paper... 912 00:59:26,930 --> 00:59:31,868 and it took him a moment to remember how it was done. 913 00:59:32,669 --> 00:59:35,071 But something in him clicked. 914 00:59:35,138 --> 00:59:39,576 A warm, familiar feeling poured over him. 915 00:59:40,610 --> 00:59:43,913 He smiled and began to write. 916 00:59:43,980 --> 00:59:46,149 Seeing this made her happy... 917 00:59:47,350 --> 00:59:49,686 so she took a page for herself... 918 00:59:50,253 --> 00:59:53,756 and she began to write as well. 919 00:59:53,823 --> 00:59:56,593 So they both wrote in silence, 920 00:59:56,659 --> 00:59:58,227 perfectly happy. 921 01:00:46,209 --> 01:00:50,880 [Stan] Finally he sensed an end to his writing and he turned to her, 922 01:00:50,947 --> 01:00:54,217 already waiting with her folded letter in hand. 923 01:00:54,283 --> 01:00:58,955 They exchanged letters nervously and then sat opposite each other. 924 01:00:59,022 --> 01:01:02,392 He read hers and she read his. 925 01:01:02,659 --> 01:01:06,262 The 100% perfect couple knew each other in a time and space 926 01:01:06,329 --> 01:01:08,698 that was only for them. 927 01:01:08,765 --> 01:01:12,769 They didn’t know how their perfect world would ever interact with reality, 928 01:01:12,835 --> 01:01:14,437 or if it ever would. 929 01:01:14,704 --> 01:01:17,807 In some ways he never wanted it to, 930 01:01:17,874 --> 01:01:19,409 cherishing every moment, 931 01:01:19,676 --> 01:01:22,278 even the memories of each moment of their world. 932 01:01:22,345 --> 01:01:26,015 These memories he would replay over and over-- 933 01:01:26,816 --> 01:01:29,852 a glance, a smile, 934 01:01:29,919 --> 01:01:34,157 a “hello” in the morning could fuel his life for years. 935 01:01:34,223 --> 01:01:38,161 Their connection was more powerful than anything the world could throw at him. 936 01:01:38,795 --> 01:01:41,364 She was his lifeline. 937 01:01:41,431 --> 01:01:45,468 [Jenny] I have kept every word you’ve ever written or said to me 938 01:01:45,735 --> 01:01:50,073 deeply locked away, accessed only by me. 939 01:01:50,139 --> 01:01:54,243 No one else has seen or heard about the secret world we created. 940 01:01:55,344 --> 01:01:57,780 Sometimes I wonder why it’s so deeply locked away. 941 01:01:57,847 --> 01:02:01,951 I think it’s because I don’t want it to escape. 942 01:02:02,018 --> 01:02:03,486 I don’t want to lose it, 943 01:02:03,753 --> 01:02:07,290 to dilute it with the normalness of day-to-day life. 944 01:02:08,458 --> 01:02:11,160 I’m so scared that in the open light of day 945 01:02:11,227 --> 01:02:15,431 someone will see through it and reveal it’s no more than just a fantasy. 946 01:02:16,966 --> 01:02:20,369 [Stan] But the fear when he met her was always paralyzing, 947 01:02:20,436 --> 01:02:24,006 the fear that any change between them would shatter their world. 948 01:02:24,073 --> 01:02:27,744 [Jenny] She held onto the fantasy because it was real to her 949 01:02:27,810 --> 01:02:31,748 and it was powerful, the possibility of the perfect one for her. 950 01:02:32,982 --> 01:02:38,488 Hope was always more powerful than any reality she’d experienced so far. 951 01:02:39,889 --> 01:02:45,094 But what she was beginning to think was that their story was very real. 952 01:02:45,161 --> 01:02:48,297 The world they had was built on a relationship 953 01:02:48,364 --> 01:02:52,969 of sharing their deepest personal thoughts and feelings, 954 01:02:53,035 --> 01:02:56,239 something that happens so rarely, even between couples. 955 01:02:56,305 --> 01:02:58,541 And what they had built over years of sharing 956 01:02:58,808 --> 01:03:01,978 was possibly why they always felt so incredibly close... 957 01:03:02,545 --> 01:03:05,948 when they were ever in the same space together. 958 01:03:06,015 --> 01:03:08,084 [Stan] As he read from her letters again, 959 01:03:08,151 --> 01:03:11,554 he realized that they had written so much to each other 960 01:03:11,821 --> 01:03:16,526 that when they met, anything they said just seemed superficial. 961 01:03:16,793 --> 01:03:19,796 They had started a relationship at the deepest level 962 01:03:19,862 --> 01:03:24,000 and both understood that in the silence they always shared. 963 01:03:25,401 --> 01:03:27,870 And so they finished reading... 964 01:03:28,504 --> 01:03:33,009 and they both looked up at each other, and they smiled 965 01:03:33,075 --> 01:03:35,278 and sat in their perfect silence. 966 01:03:36,312 --> 01:03:38,147 Perfectly happy. 967 01:03:47,290 --> 01:03:48,925 Until? 968 01:03:53,162 --> 01:03:54,897 Until... 969 01:03:55,498 --> 01:03:57,033 they both... 970 01:03:57,433 --> 01:03:59,302 reached down. 971 01:04:02,004 --> 01:04:03,606 [Jenny] Deep down. 972 01:04:07,076 --> 01:04:12,114 And thought about what neither of them was really saying. 973 01:04:17,053 --> 01:04:20,623 At the risk of everything, he just said it. 974 01:04:26,128 --> 01:04:28,965 [Stan] And that’s what it all comes down to. 975 01:04:30,132 --> 01:04:34,237 All the probabilities, the sick, anxious hours of waiting, 976 01:04:34,303 --> 01:04:36,939 guessing, planning, dialing, 977 01:04:37,006 --> 01:04:41,077 messaging, hoping, imagining, fantasizing, 978 01:04:41,143 --> 01:04:44,146 procrastinating, comforting. 979 01:04:45,314 --> 01:04:48,284 [Jenny] Flirting, dating, lying, cheating, 980 01:04:48,351 --> 01:04:51,387 talking, bitching, waiting, 981 01:04:51,454 --> 01:04:55,224 wishing, praying, assuming. 982 01:04:55,291 --> 01:04:59,896 [Stan] It all comes down to just a boy telling a girl-- 983 01:05:00,596 --> 01:05:02,131 Jenny... 984 01:05:04,166 --> 01:05:05,935 I like you... 985 01:05:07,169 --> 01:05:08,971 so much. 986 01:05:12,541 --> 01:05:15,144 Perfect. 987 01:05:15,211 --> 01:05:17,613 A hundred percent perfect. 988 01:05:18,614 --> 01:05:20,283 [Stan] One second. 989 01:05:20,349 --> 01:05:21,617 Two seconds. 990 01:05:21,684 --> 01:05:24,387 Then boom. 991 01:05:24,453 --> 01:05:25,655 Three seconds.