1 00:00:46,671 --> 00:00:49,882 Matthew! 2 00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:51,925 Hey!!! 3 00:00:52,010 --> 00:00:54,636 Where are you? 4 00:00:57,682 --> 00:00:59,600 Matthew!! 5 00:01:01,394 --> 00:01:03,479 Stupid. 6 00:01:10,945 --> 00:01:13,989 Matthew! Are you gonna fuck me or what? 7 00:01:13,990 --> 00:01:15,282 On it. On it like a bonnet. 8 00:01:15,283 --> 00:01:16,784 On it like a bonnet - alright, fight club, 9 00:01:16,785 --> 00:01:19,369 what the hell is going on here? - I'm a guest! 10 00:01:19,370 --> 00:01:21,413 Unless someone signed you into the building, 11 00:01:21,414 --> 00:01:23,415 you are not a guest. Alright? Please. 12 00:01:23,416 --> 00:01:26,293 - Man, I miss my friend. - Don't take that tack with me. 13 00:01:26,294 --> 00:01:27,002 My friend lives here. 14 00:01:27,003 --> 00:01:28,378 Please don't put me in this position. 15 00:01:28,379 --> 00:01:29,171 Why are you doing this? 16 00:01:29,172 --> 00:01:31,298 I'm going to have to call the campus police. 17 00:01:31,299 --> 00:01:34,134 Jordan, she's my guest. - She's your guest? 18 00:01:34,135 --> 00:01:38,180 - Yes. She's-- Hey Stephanie! - Yeah. 19 00:01:38,181 --> 00:01:40,641 Yeah. Stephanie. Thank you. 20 00:01:41,017 --> 00:01:43,185 Stephanie... Sanders. 21 00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:44,728 - Stephanie Sanders. Right here. 22 00:01:44,729 --> 00:01:45,479 Just take care of her, okay? 23 00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:47,564 Oh yeah, I got this. This is all taken care of. 24 00:01:47,565 --> 00:01:48,732 You don't have to worry about that. 25 00:01:48,733 --> 00:01:50,484 - Thank you. - Thanks, man. 26 00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:52,027 - Thank you. - Sorry. 27 00:01:52,028 --> 00:01:53,987 - Oh, rock-and-roll. - What? 28 00:01:53,988 --> 00:01:57,324 - I said Rock and roll. - Oh... 29 00:01:57,325 --> 00:02:00,452 Alright, this is us. 30 00:02:00,662 --> 00:02:03,872 Us... You're funny. 31 00:02:08,169 --> 00:02:10,003 Nice porn. 32 00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:12,131 Yeah. Ha. 33 00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:14,424 Nice panties. 34 00:02:15,009 --> 00:02:16,468 Who are you? 35 00:02:16,469 --> 00:02:17,427 I'm Jake. 36 00:02:17,428 --> 00:02:18,095 Lainey. 37 00:02:18,096 --> 00:02:20,806 That's a nickname they give people named Elaine. 38 00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:23,851 Elaine's a great name. It's like Elaaaine! 39 00:02:23,852 --> 00:02:24,309 Elaaaine! 40 00:02:24,310 --> 00:02:26,854 Hey, if you ever even mention The Graduate again, 41 00:02:26,855 --> 00:02:29,189 I will slit your throat. 42 00:02:29,190 --> 00:02:33,026 Okay, Lainey. Glad we got that cleared up. 43 00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:36,655 Welcome to my Thursday night. 44 00:02:36,781 --> 00:02:37,948 You ehm... 45 00:02:37,949 --> 00:02:41,577 You wanna watch porn and smoke drugs? 46 00:02:41,661 --> 00:02:44,955 This sucks. 47 00:02:44,956 --> 00:02:46,498 You know what I was gonna do tonight? 48 00:02:46,499 --> 00:02:49,251 Judging from your outfit I'd say scale a mountain? 49 00:02:49,252 --> 00:02:49,835 Lose my virginity. 50 00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:52,087 Hold on a second... You were going to lose your virginity to 51 00:02:52,088 --> 00:02:55,382 Matthew Sobvechik in 11B at Ween Dormitory? 52 00:02:55,383 --> 00:02:57,509 He's the TA in my pre-med bio class. 53 00:02:57,510 --> 00:03:00,721 I'm deliberately failing to get work sessions with him. 54 00:03:00,722 --> 00:03:03,724 We fool around after he teaches me things I already know. 55 00:03:03,725 --> 00:03:06,518 Jesus... How Matthew Sobvechik managed to bag such a 56 00:03:06,519 --> 00:03:09,855 delightfully unhinged hottie, by being the most boring 57 00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:14,985 fucking guy on this entire floor is beyond me. 58 00:03:14,986 --> 00:03:16,987 Well, I'm in love with him. 59 00:03:16,988 --> 00:03:19,865 Come on, there's no way you love Matthew Sobvechik, 60 00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:21,575 the Pontiac Aztec of people. 61 00:03:21,576 --> 00:03:24,453 Lainey, you having sex with Matthew Sobvechik is basically 62 00:03:24,454 --> 00:03:28,123 the same thing as me telling an Aborigine in the Australian 63 00:03:28,124 --> 00:03:30,417 outback that he's about to listen to the Beatles for the 64 00:03:30,418 --> 00:03:32,711 first time - and then I play Blues Traveler. 65 00:03:32,712 --> 00:03:35,047 That's a cruel joke for I will have just tricked him into 66 00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:39,092 thinking Blues Traveler is the greatest band of all time. 67 00:03:39,093 --> 00:03:43,639 Okay, now if you were to sleep with Matthew Sobvechik you will 68 00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:46,642 be addicted to mediocrity for the rest of your life. 69 00:03:46,643 --> 00:03:50,437 And that barely covered vagina of yours deserves better than 70 00:03:50,438 --> 00:03:52,940 that. It doesn't deserve John Popper, 71 00:03:52,941 --> 00:03:56,693 it deserves John Lennon. Okay? You understand me? 72 00:03:56,694 --> 00:04:01,698 I'm talking about, like, the White Album. Not Hook. 73 00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:04,826 Tell me what sex is like? 74 00:04:04,827 --> 00:04:07,663 - Oh my god, you have got a one track mind. 75 00:04:07,664 --> 00:04:09,331 - Fuck you. Enlighten me. 76 00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:12,000 You want me to tell you what sex is like, huh? 77 00:04:12,001 --> 00:04:14,962 - Tell me. - Okay. 78 00:04:15,338 --> 00:04:17,047 You better be ready. 79 00:04:17,048 --> 00:04:19,841 - You ready? - Yes. 80 00:04:19,842 --> 00:04:21,510 Sex is like... 81 00:04:21,511 --> 00:04:24,012 kissing with your entire body. 82 00:04:24,013 --> 00:04:28,016 Very sensual experience. It's like shooting heroin 83 00:04:28,017 --> 00:04:32,354 in a controlled yet moist environment. You know? 84 00:04:32,355 --> 00:04:35,399 You know what it's like - it's like Times Square at night. 85 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:40,028 I mean just the right tinge of danger. 86 00:04:46,369 --> 00:04:48,328 Oh my god. 87 00:04:48,329 --> 00:04:50,205 What? 88 00:04:50,707 --> 00:04:53,292 Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah. 89 00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:55,752 So I haven't technically... 90 00:04:55,753 --> 00:04:58,964 - actually... really done it yet... 91 00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:01,174 Why are you laughing at me? That's not-- 92 00:05:01,175 --> 00:05:02,342 But you're so old! 93 00:05:02,343 --> 00:05:05,387 Fuck you! I didn't call you an old virgin! 94 00:05:05,388 --> 00:05:08,473 I'm shocked. I'm shocked. You're so cute. 95 00:05:08,474 --> 00:05:12,227 Why are you giving me shit? You can't get the 96 00:05:12,228 --> 00:05:15,564 most boring dude in our dorm to sleep with you. 97 00:05:15,565 --> 00:05:20,485 You know, that's ridiculous. You're the one who should be-- 98 00:05:24,115 --> 00:05:27,284 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 99 00:05:27,618 --> 00:05:30,287 I didn't mean to upset I was just joking around with you. 100 00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:33,498 I thought we were joking around. So I was joking. 101 00:05:35,585 --> 00:05:40,881 This was all very romantic and then you just fucked it up. 102 00:05:44,260 --> 00:05:45,927 It was? 103 00:06:15,291 --> 00:06:17,709 I'm so sweaty all of a sudden. 104 00:06:21,714 --> 00:06:24,132 You're incredible. 105 00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:27,594 You're gonna drive some guy crazy some day. 106 00:06:52,995 --> 00:06:54,371 Hey! 107 00:06:54,372 --> 00:06:57,541 Hey, Hannah! Hannah! 108 00:07:18,938 --> 00:07:19,855 Hannah! 109 00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:20,856 Leave me alone! 110 00:07:20,857 --> 00:07:23,650 - Come on, I can do this all the way to Brooklyn-- 111 00:07:23,651 --> 00:07:25,694 Whoa easy. Easy... Easy... 112 00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:28,780 Hey, did you see me take out that cab? Sydney Bristow style! 113 00:07:28,781 --> 00:07:31,032 Thank god you stopped. Okay? Please. Please 114 00:07:31,033 --> 00:07:33,034 - You're disgusting! - Okay, maybe you're right. 115 00:07:33,035 --> 00:07:35,996 You might be right. - How could you fuck her, Jake? 116 00:07:35,997 --> 00:07:37,956 I- Look- Oww!! 117 00:07:37,957 --> 00:07:40,375 - How could you even kiss me after you fucked her! 118 00:07:40,376 --> 00:07:41,877 What are we doing in the middle of the street? 119 00:07:41,878 --> 00:07:46,131 - Because I hope we fucking die! - Please, come on. 120 00:07:46,883 --> 00:07:48,592 Let's get off the street, okay? 121 00:07:48,593 --> 00:07:50,886 Okay, look, look, look, look, look. Hey, hey, hey... 122 00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:54,848 I appreciate your anger, I really do, okay. 123 00:07:54,849 --> 00:07:57,976 And Lord knows I could use the exercise, but I do believe 124 00:07:57,977 --> 00:08:00,979 there are exactly three points we should discuss. Okay? 125 00:08:00,980 --> 00:08:03,648 First off, in our initial conversations about exclusivity, 126 00:08:03,649 --> 00:08:07,569 I distinctly recall you saying something about staying casual. 127 00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:08,403 Yeah? - I only said that-- 128 00:08:08,404 --> 00:08:10,697 Most likely because you thought that was what I wanted 129 00:08:10,698 --> 00:08:11,406 to hear. Yes? - Yes! 130 00:08:11,407 --> 00:08:14,201 - Okay. Well... Me taking you at your word doesn't make me 131 00:08:14,202 --> 00:08:16,786 an asshole. It does however make you a liar. 132 00:08:16,787 --> 00:08:21,291 You're such a piece of sh-- - Hey second second point. Okay? 133 00:08:21,292 --> 00:08:23,668 If you really, actually wanted monogamy, 134 00:08:23,669 --> 00:08:26,588 why have casual sex with me for three months? 135 00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:28,507 I mean, if you want to grow flowers, 136 00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:31,801 you don't plant them in a closet. So either you're stupid 137 00:08:31,802 --> 00:08:36,014 or deep down inside you don't want monogamy either. 138 00:08:36,015 --> 00:08:37,807 You fucked my best friend! 139 00:08:37,808 --> 00:08:40,435 Which brings me to my third and final point. Your chief 140 00:08:40,436 --> 00:08:45,524 complaint is not that I screwed someone; it is who I screwed. 141 00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:47,150 That's what it's about, right? 142 00:08:47,151 --> 00:08:50,195 So much like the counter-intuitive plan to 143 00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:52,781 secure an exclusive relationship with a guy that 144 00:08:52,782 --> 00:08:55,075 you don't actually want to date - moi, 145 00:08:55,076 --> 00:08:57,827 your issue with me and Sarah-- - Do not say her name! 146 00:08:57,828 --> 00:09:01,748 - Your issue with us is purely driven by a societal insecurity, 147 00:09:01,749 --> 00:09:06,419 not to mention a culturally infused female competition. 148 00:09:06,420 --> 00:09:11,633 My heart goes out to you ladies. Baby. You're a bad liar. 149 00:09:11,926 --> 00:09:14,135 You're not stupid. 150 00:09:14,136 --> 00:09:17,597 And she can't hold a candle to you. 151 00:09:17,682 --> 00:09:20,183 Can we please go home? 152 00:09:20,184 --> 00:09:21,768 Please? 153 00:09:21,769 --> 00:09:23,436 You know, get out of these wet clothes. 154 00:09:23,437 --> 00:09:27,023 Dry each other off using friction. 155 00:09:29,902 --> 00:09:30,777 Yeah? 156 00:09:30,778 --> 00:09:33,488 - Yeah. - Good, 157 00:09:39,036 --> 00:09:41,288 You got a girlfriend, Charles? 158 00:09:41,289 --> 00:09:42,539 No. 159 00:09:42,540 --> 00:09:44,958 Playing the field, huh? 160 00:09:44,959 --> 00:09:48,712 Be careful, you know. 161 00:09:48,713 --> 00:09:50,630 Why? 162 00:09:51,299 --> 00:09:54,467 I don't know if I have time to answer that. 163 00:09:58,889 --> 00:10:01,891 Wow. Bathroom fucking stinks. 164 00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:04,102 Um, what were we talking about? 165 00:10:04,103 --> 00:10:07,897 So I said to Jack- I said Jack, Lainey and I, 166 00:10:07,898 --> 00:10:11,401 we're looking to buy. Maybe have a kid. 167 00:10:11,402 --> 00:10:13,403 I hope it's okay that I said that by the way. 168 00:10:13,404 --> 00:10:15,572 I mean, you haven't changed your mind or anything, have you? 169 00:10:15,573 --> 00:10:17,407 Because I know you don't want to get married, but you know, 170 00:10:17,408 --> 00:10:19,618 I do think it's important to make some sort of commitment to 171 00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:24,581 each other and I think buying a place, maybe Kensington, 172 00:10:24,582 --> 00:10:25,415 maybe Prospect Heights. 173 00:10:25,416 --> 00:10:28,793 What's up little nugget, what are you doing with the notebook? 174 00:10:28,794 --> 00:10:31,379 Sam. I have to read you something. 175 00:10:31,380 --> 00:10:33,423 You've been writing again? 176 00:10:33,424 --> 00:10:36,968 - Sweetie, that's great! - No... I was never writing. 177 00:10:36,969 --> 00:10:39,012 - Honey, yes! - It was one short story... 178 00:10:39,013 --> 00:10:41,598 - Yes, that is great! No, listen. Listen. 179 00:10:41,599 --> 00:10:45,018 I want to tell you something; look at me. Look at me, okay. 180 00:10:45,019 --> 00:10:48,730 I know you love teaching, but that's not a real thing. 181 00:10:48,731 --> 00:10:49,356 I mean, this is great. 182 00:10:49,357 --> 00:10:51,441 - Can you just please not interrupt me while I read this, 183 00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:53,777 please. Just listen to it. Let me get through all of it. 184 00:10:53,778 --> 00:10:56,446 - I don't think interrupt you, but go on. 185 00:10:56,447 --> 00:10:57,572 - Don't. - I don't. 186 00:10:57,573 --> 00:11:00,492 - Please don't interrupt. - I would love to hear it. 187 00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:03,411 - Okay, mister. - Wow me. 188 00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:06,748 - Sam-- - Lainey. 189 00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:14,130 My therapist suggested I attend a twelve step program, 190 00:11:14,131 --> 00:11:17,967 for recovery from a love addiction and romantic obsession 191 00:11:17,968 --> 00:11:22,055 - I'm sorry um, hello... Did you say love addiction? 192 00:11:22,056 --> 00:11:23,515 and romantic obsession... 193 00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:26,309 - Sweetie, you might as well face it, 194 00:11:26,310 --> 00:11:28,311 you're addicted to love. Huey Lewis. 195 00:11:28,312 --> 00:11:31,064 - No, it's Robert Palmer. ...that I've had for the last 196 00:11:31,065 --> 00:11:33,983 ten years. As a result I have been able to stay faithful to 197 00:11:33,984 --> 00:11:36,945 you -for the past six months- - Okay, let me just stop you 198 00:11:36,946 --> 00:11:38,113 because... I feel like-- 199 00:11:38,114 --> 00:11:40,657 - Sam, I'm trying to tell you something. 200 00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:41,741 I know. 201 00:11:41,742 --> 00:11:43,243 I would love to hear what you're telling me. 202 00:11:43,244 --> 00:11:44,703 Can you listen to what I'm saying to you? 203 00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:47,831 - I'm trying to-- Yeah, I'm listening. 204 00:11:47,832 --> 00:11:50,875 I want to move forward in our relationship in an honest way. 205 00:11:50,876 --> 00:11:52,085 I know it. being honest- 206 00:11:52,086 --> 00:11:56,464 honest, critical appraisal is the foundation-- 207 00:11:56,465 --> 00:11:59,426 Sam, I cheated on you. 208 00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:15,316 You cheated on me? 209 00:12:18,654 --> 00:12:21,322 Baby... 210 00:12:21,323 --> 00:12:23,616 how many times? 211 00:12:25,953 --> 00:12:28,037 Sixteen... 212 00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:35,545 I don't even know sixteen guys. Sixteen guys? 213 00:12:35,546 --> 00:12:39,340 No, the same guy. Sixteen times. 214 00:12:40,676 --> 00:12:42,385 - Who? - It doesn't matter who. 215 00:12:42,386 --> 00:12:45,555 - Tell me who. My brother? - No. 216 00:12:45,556 --> 00:12:47,474 - Was it my brother? - No. 217 00:12:47,475 --> 00:12:48,057 Was it my brother? 218 00:12:48,058 --> 00:12:49,893 Stop! You know I'm not interested in your brother. 219 00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:53,229 Who's so fucking hot? How is better than my brother! 220 00:12:53,230 --> 00:12:55,815 - I'm not going to tell you. - I deserve to know. 221 00:12:55,816 --> 00:12:56,858 - No. - I deserve to know. 222 00:12:56,859 --> 00:12:59,903 I've been getting his second fucking servings. 223 00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:03,823 I've been tasting his sweat. Whose juices have I tasted? 224 00:13:03,824 --> 00:13:04,282 Gross... 225 00:13:04,283 --> 00:13:06,659 - If I've been drinking his juices I want to know who it is. 226 00:13:06,660 --> 00:13:08,870 - I'm not going to involve him in this and make 227 00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:09,537 this worse for everyone. 228 00:13:09,538 --> 00:13:14,417 You involved my brother when you fucked him sixteen times! 229 00:13:14,418 --> 00:13:18,046 Who can tell what that fucking swarthy man... 230 00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:21,800 What? Get out of here! Get out of here! Please! 231 00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:23,343 Why did you have to do this in public, 232 00:13:23,344 --> 00:13:25,261 were you trying to humiliate me? Look it! Look it! 233 00:13:25,262 --> 00:13:28,807 He's looking! I'm embarrassed. You won! I'm humiliated. 234 00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:30,266 I was sacred that you would freak out. 235 00:13:30,267 --> 00:13:31,935 Yeah, well you thought right. 236 00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:34,938 Get ready for a classic Sam freak out! 237 00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:41,027 Sam, wait. I'm sorry. Please... 238 00:13:41,987 --> 00:13:43,196 I'm sorry... 239 00:13:43,197 --> 00:13:46,324 I want to make this work. I'm trying to get better. 240 00:13:46,325 --> 00:13:49,494 You can't get better, Lainey... 241 00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:52,747 You're not an addict, okay. 242 00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:57,877 You're just a whore. 243 00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:02,465 You're a whore. 244 00:14:05,135 --> 00:14:08,137 You're a fucking whore. 245 00:14:57,855 --> 00:15:03,026 Before I did this program, I thought love was a feeling. 246 00:15:03,027 --> 00:15:05,737 But that's bullshit. It's not a feeling, 247 00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:08,156 it's a decision. Like everything else. 248 00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:11,701 And I now see that when I was in my addiction I made the decision 249 00:15:11,702 --> 00:15:16,456 over and over again to choose sex over my self-worth. 250 00:15:16,457 --> 00:15:18,708 And it doesn't mean that I don't like sex now, 251 00:15:18,709 --> 00:15:21,753 it doesn't mean that I'm not a sexual person. Gail. 252 00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:25,715 I don't need to trolling online, looking for women to go down on. 253 00:15:25,716 --> 00:15:27,508 I don't need to fuck eight guys in one night! 254 00:15:27,509 --> 00:15:30,219 I don't deny what I've done. I embrace my past. 255 00:15:30,220 --> 00:15:32,096 Yes, I did once call one of my neighbors in the middle 256 00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:34,182 of the day when he was at work and said grab some condoms 257 00:15:34,183 --> 00:15:36,976 and meet me at that delicious soft pretzel place. 258 00:15:36,977 --> 00:15:40,313 Who cares? I did let someone put a protein bar 259 00:15:40,314 --> 00:15:42,106 up my ass once. Big deal. 260 00:15:42,107 --> 00:15:45,318 I did hack into my supermarket's Instagram account and posted a 261 00:15:45,319 --> 00:15:48,363 picture of my asshole and say there was a sale on asshole. 262 00:15:48,364 --> 00:15:52,408 And then said come and lick my asshole if you're bald. 263 00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:04,963 Of all the gin joints... 264 00:16:06,048 --> 00:16:08,007 No way. 265 00:16:08,509 --> 00:16:10,927 - Jake! - Yes. 266 00:16:13,305 --> 00:16:16,766 Oh my god. Were you just in that meeting? 267 00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:19,310 Oh yeah. sure was. Uh -huh. I had to get out 268 00:16:19,311 --> 00:16:22,605 of there though. It was making me super horny. 269 00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:27,151 Wow, it's been what-twelve years? 270 00:16:27,152 --> 00:16:30,780 I think it might actually be longer, yeah. 271 00:16:30,781 --> 00:16:33,032 You look good. 272 00:16:33,117 --> 00:16:35,910 - So do you. - Thank you. 273 00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:38,621 Wow... the old virgin. 274 00:16:38,622 --> 00:16:41,499 Don't you mean the one that got away? 275 00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:41,916 Stop... 276 00:16:41,917 --> 00:16:44,127 No, the last thing I remember we had that awesome night 277 00:16:44,128 --> 00:16:46,337 together and you just sort of... 278 00:16:46,338 --> 00:16:46,963 Disappeared. 279 00:16:46,964 --> 00:16:50,675 Plus you were all hung on that guy that lived next door to me 280 00:16:50,676 --> 00:16:53,094 the boring guy, Marcus-- - Matthew. 281 00:16:53,095 --> 00:16:55,930 - That's right. I hear he's a lady doctor now. 282 00:16:55,931 --> 00:16:56,889 - Oh? - Yeah. 283 00:16:56,890 --> 00:17:00,351 Do you ever see him around, I assume at doctor things? 284 00:17:00,352 --> 00:17:02,437 - Aren't you a doctor now? - Oh, I didn't do that. 285 00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:04,564 I didn't end up going to med school. 286 00:17:04,565 --> 00:17:06,607 I teach now. Kids. 287 00:17:06,608 --> 00:17:08,568 - Cool. Great. - Kindergarten. 288 00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:11,487 - Alright. - You? What do you? 289 00:17:11,488 --> 00:17:13,906 A buddy and I created this CDN an we're selling it to 290 00:17:13,907 --> 00:17:16,075 a digital media provider and - you're bored already? 291 00:17:16,076 --> 00:17:17,285 - No. - You just asked me. 292 00:17:17,286 --> 00:17:18,995 I know. I'm sorry. I have to-- 293 00:17:18,996 --> 00:17:22,665 Respond to that booty text I assume, right? 294 00:17:22,750 --> 00:17:24,542 Aw come on, Lainey. 295 00:17:24,543 --> 00:17:25,918 I was watching you in there. 296 00:17:25,919 --> 00:17:29,380 I saw you checking your phone every five minutes. 297 00:17:29,381 --> 00:17:30,923 All that tension in your shoulders. 298 00:17:30,924 --> 00:17:32,884 Legs crossed. Playing with your hair. 299 00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:34,510 - Why are you here? - Hmm... 300 00:17:34,511 --> 00:17:35,303 To pick up women? 301 00:17:35,304 --> 00:17:38,598 No, no. Heavens no. No not women. No. 302 00:17:38,599 --> 00:17:40,433 Just you, evidently. 303 00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:45,313 I'll see you around. Hopefully not here. 304 00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:47,899 Yeah. 305 00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:50,526 Hey. I'm on Facebook. 306 00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:54,363 ...what a weird thing to say out loud. 307 00:18:08,837 --> 00:18:13,758 - I have one last question-- Come on. Come on. 308 00:18:15,844 --> 00:18:18,471 When I sign this, what happens to everything that Xander 309 00:18:18,472 --> 00:18:20,932 and I worked on. All the content we created. 310 00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:23,768 We dissolve all past and current product. 311 00:18:23,769 --> 00:18:25,853 And you'll work exclusively for us. 312 00:18:25,854 --> 00:18:29,857 Yeah. Right? Time to settle down. 313 00:18:31,276 --> 00:18:31,859 But what if we have-- 314 00:18:31,860 --> 00:18:35,988 No! I will straight up murder you if you do not 315 00:18:35,989 --> 00:18:37,615 sign this immediately. 316 00:18:37,616 --> 00:18:38,533 Xander, I'm looking out for us. 317 00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:40,701 You're looking out for us? No. I'm looking out for us. 318 00:18:40,702 --> 00:18:42,703 - You're being a dick. - Here's the thing, guys. 319 00:18:42,704 --> 00:18:44,956 I don't negotiate, but my lawyers do. 320 00:18:44,957 --> 00:18:47,792 So if you want to reopen the terms of the contract that's 321 00:18:47,793 --> 00:18:51,003 fine, I'm just going to go grab some lunch. 322 00:18:51,004 --> 00:18:53,631 Alright. Alright. Alright. 323 00:18:53,757 --> 00:18:55,258 Okay. 324 00:18:56,426 --> 00:18:58,886 You don't have to go for lunch yet. 325 00:18:58,887 --> 00:19:00,805 Okay-- 326 00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:07,395 Congrats, boys. You have officially sold out. 327 00:19:07,396 --> 00:19:11,357 Fuck yes! Oh my god! 328 00:19:11,692 --> 00:19:14,026 I really thought you were going to fuck this up. 329 00:19:14,027 --> 00:19:15,361 - Me too. - I really did. 330 00:19:15,362 --> 00:19:18,239 He fucks everything in life up. 331 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,950 I have two beautiful children, both are gonna 332 00:19:20,951 --> 00:19:24,537 have ridiculously terrible teeth; so you're getting braces, 333 00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:29,000 you're getting braces, you're getting braces! 334 00:19:29,251 --> 00:19:33,421 Hey. You going to lunch? Can I come with? 335 00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:35,423 Dinner maybe? 336 00:19:35,424 --> 00:19:36,883 How about brunch with my folks, you'll love them. 337 00:19:36,884 --> 00:19:40,928 You're smart, handsome and now have stocks vesting until 2018, 338 00:19:40,929 --> 00:19:42,388 you can go get any woman you want. 339 00:19:42,389 --> 00:19:43,890 Really? But I would still choose you. 340 00:19:43,891 --> 00:19:45,933 Why? Because I happened to be in your eye-line? 341 00:19:45,934 --> 00:19:47,560 Possibly because you're uninterested. 342 00:19:47,561 --> 00:19:49,854 Most likely because you're stunning and successful. 343 00:19:49,855 --> 00:19:51,814 - I'm divorced. - His loss. 344 00:19:51,815 --> 00:19:52,273 I have a kid. 345 00:19:52,274 --> 00:19:54,483 I love kids. Kids love me. I basically am a kid. 346 00:19:54,484 --> 00:19:56,777 And I don't sleep with my employees. 347 00:19:56,778 --> 00:19:58,905 - I quit! - Goodbye, Jacob. 348 00:19:58,906 --> 00:20:01,866 Congrats. - Thanks. 349 00:20:01,950 --> 00:20:03,451 - Huh. - What? 350 00:20:03,452 --> 00:20:05,453 Paula's something else, huh? 351 00:20:05,454 --> 00:20:06,787 Yeah. She really is. 352 00:20:06,788 --> 00:20:09,123 She was vibing me pretty hard in that meeting. 353 00:20:09,124 --> 00:20:09,957 Well you're a married man. 354 00:20:09,958 --> 00:20:11,459 Yeah, I know. I made sure to tell her. 355 00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:13,586 Because I didn't want her to embarrass herself. 356 00:20:13,587 --> 00:20:15,671 Yeah, that's good. let her down easy. 357 00:20:15,672 --> 00:20:17,256 Yeah. 358 00:20:22,512 --> 00:20:26,098 Elaine? Elaine Dalton? 359 00:20:26,099 --> 00:20:29,727 Yes, um... Sorry. It's Lainey. 360 00:20:29,728 --> 00:20:32,188 Only my father calls me Elaine. 361 00:20:32,189 --> 00:20:34,941 Doctor Sobvechik will see you now. 362 00:20:42,658 --> 00:20:46,035 You didn't have to make an appointment. 363 00:20:46,036 --> 00:20:50,248 This used to be our move. Me pretending to be a patient. 364 00:20:53,168 --> 00:20:55,002 You look great. 365 00:20:55,003 --> 00:20:57,255 It's been a while. 366 00:20:57,714 --> 00:21:00,633 I get worried when you disappear. 367 00:21:01,885 --> 00:21:03,427 Me too. 368 00:21:03,428 --> 00:21:07,515 It's really good to see you. What do you want to talk about? 369 00:21:07,975 --> 00:21:11,352 - I can't see you anymore. - I agree. 370 00:21:13,146 --> 00:21:15,648 Yeah, I think... 371 00:21:16,191 --> 00:21:17,566 we need to be over. 372 00:21:17,567 --> 00:21:19,777 I asked Emma to marry me. 373 00:21:19,778 --> 00:21:21,362 She kept bringing it up. 374 00:21:21,363 --> 00:21:24,073 I thought it was the right thing to do. 375 00:21:26,827 --> 00:21:29,328 You and Emma got back together. 376 00:21:29,329 --> 00:21:32,456 Yes. Did I not tell you that? 377 00:21:40,424 --> 00:21:42,049 How's Sam? 378 00:21:42,050 --> 00:21:44,051 He's... 379 00:21:44,886 --> 00:21:46,095 fine. 380 00:21:46,096 --> 00:21:47,722 Good. 381 00:21:50,267 --> 00:21:52,768 I'm glad we ended it face-to-face. 382 00:21:52,769 --> 00:21:55,062 You were right to come. 383 00:22:02,654 --> 00:22:04,196 Will you do me a favor? 384 00:22:04,197 --> 00:22:08,534 Will you erase your number from my phone? 385 00:22:09,995 --> 00:22:12,872 I won't be able to do it. 386 00:23:06,927 --> 00:23:08,886 Is this what you want, Elaine? 387 00:23:08,887 --> 00:23:14,392 Yes. I want it all the time. It's all I think about. 388 00:23:58,603 --> 00:24:02,189 Good afternoon. Doctor Sobvechik's office. 389 00:24:02,190 --> 00:24:05,985 I'm sorry, the Doctor's unavailable at the moment. 390 00:24:06,987 --> 00:24:08,112 He's getting married. 391 00:24:08,113 --> 00:24:10,656 Who would marry him? Did she consent? 392 00:24:10,657 --> 00:24:14,160 Is she in a coma? I mean, who is this person? 393 00:24:14,161 --> 00:24:18,164 Where do you find her? Some sort of like, website for people 394 00:24:18,165 --> 00:24:20,499 who want to have a horrible, painful life... 395 00:24:20,500 --> 00:24:24,003 I think I need to stop having sex altogether for a while. 396 00:24:24,004 --> 00:24:26,172 No, alright. The problem isn't sex. 397 00:24:26,173 --> 00:24:29,008 The problem is Captain Amazing has monopolized your vag for 398 00:24:29,009 --> 00:24:30,926 like a decade and now you're a pod person. 399 00:24:30,927 --> 00:24:32,595 But maybe if I don't have any sex... 400 00:24:32,596 --> 00:24:35,097 And become sexually anorexic? No. 401 00:24:35,098 --> 00:24:36,348 What? Is that a real thing? 402 00:24:36,349 --> 00:24:39,018 Yeah, of course it's a real thing. Sexual anorexia. 403 00:24:39,019 --> 00:24:41,604 It's like depriving yourself of sex because of low self-esteem, 404 00:24:41,605 --> 00:24:45,149 or abuse or other gnarly shit. - That's great. 405 00:24:45,150 --> 00:24:47,359 That's another dysfunction I have to worry about developing. 406 00:24:47,360 --> 00:24:50,237 It's like enough with this shit. It's over, Jack. 407 00:24:50,238 --> 00:24:53,407 It's like enough! I mean, you can do so much better. 408 00:24:53,408 --> 00:24:56,494 I don't care if it's a woman or if it's somebody else, 409 00:24:56,495 --> 00:24:59,121 just anything but the schmuck. 410 00:24:59,247 --> 00:25:01,582 I feel like people are looking at us. 411 00:25:01,583 --> 00:25:05,002 The guy I lost my virginity to was at my sex addicts meeting. 412 00:25:05,003 --> 00:25:06,170 What do you think that means? 413 00:25:06,171 --> 00:25:11,967 It's a sign. You should fuck that guy. A lot. 414 00:25:12,219 --> 00:25:14,595 I don't think everyone should just be running around fucking 415 00:25:14,596 --> 00:25:19,391 willy-nilly, Okay, in your specific case I do think you 416 00:25:19,392 --> 00:25:22,144 should fuck that sex addict. 417 00:25:24,231 --> 00:25:30,194 ♪ One look in the mirror and I know the party's over. ♪ 418 00:25:32,447 --> 00:25:34,782 You have lipstick on your teeth. 419 00:25:36,117 --> 00:25:36,784 Thank you. 420 00:25:36,785 --> 00:25:38,077 This is my wife! This is Blainey. 421 00:25:38,078 --> 00:25:40,996 Lainey. Lainey - with an L. What's wrong with you. 422 00:25:40,997 --> 00:25:44,041 Bring it in here. Never make it end. 423 00:25:44,042 --> 00:25:46,961 This is Lainey! Lainey, Naomi. 424 00:25:46,962 --> 00:25:48,462 This is my wife! 425 00:25:48,463 --> 00:25:50,965 Shots. I'm getting everybody shots. Shots for all round. 426 00:25:50,966 --> 00:25:51,757 We're going to keep it going. 427 00:25:51,758 --> 00:25:54,051 Top shelf, bro, because we're rich as shit now. 428 00:25:54,052 --> 00:25:55,928 Okay, stop screaming that. 429 00:25:55,929 --> 00:25:57,429 - Rich as shit! - I'm telling you, 430 00:25:57,430 --> 00:25:59,390 someone's gonna murder us if you keep screaming-- 431 00:25:59,391 --> 00:26:03,936 - I don't care. We're in a cool bar. I just bought a Tesla! 432 00:26:03,937 --> 00:26:05,813 That's not true. 433 00:26:05,814 --> 00:26:08,649 We are borrowing a Tesla to see if we like it. 434 00:26:08,650 --> 00:26:10,234 Listen, are you guys... 435 00:26:10,235 --> 00:26:12,361 are you guys sleeping with each other? 436 00:26:12,362 --> 00:26:14,572 - No! - Oh good. Oh my god, good. 437 00:26:14,573 --> 00:26:15,406 What are you guys talking about? 438 00:26:15,407 --> 00:26:17,741 I'm telling her not to have sex with you! 439 00:26:17,742 --> 00:26:19,326 Oh, well you're too late! 440 00:26:19,327 --> 00:26:22,288 Because we lost our virginity to each other! 441 00:26:23,164 --> 00:26:25,457 - Are you serious. - You didn't know! 442 00:26:25,458 --> 00:26:26,208 Yeah, I told him earlier. 443 00:26:26,209 --> 00:26:28,252 - We all knew. - You didn't know! 444 00:26:28,253 --> 00:26:30,796 - That's a beautiful story. - Yeah. 445 00:26:30,797 --> 00:26:32,256 - True romantic. - Right! 446 00:26:32,257 --> 00:26:34,675 Here we go. Bring it in. To virginity! 447 00:26:34,676 --> 00:26:38,137 - To virginity! - Get lost. 448 00:26:40,765 --> 00:26:42,850 - I just gonna go outside for a-- 449 00:26:42,851 --> 00:26:45,769 - Naomi still has her anal virginity. 450 00:26:45,770 --> 00:26:46,395 That's not true. 451 00:26:46,396 --> 00:26:48,689 A lot of guys have been up there, just not you. 452 00:26:48,690 --> 00:26:50,107 Oh, wait, wait. Girl, girl, girl - 453 00:26:50,108 --> 00:26:52,067 - Lainey, her name's Lainey. - Lainey, sorry. 454 00:26:52,068 --> 00:26:53,235 Quick question before you walk out the door, 455 00:26:53,236 --> 00:26:56,780 are you the reason that my friend Jake here is the biggest 456 00:26:56,781 --> 00:26:59,116 slut in the world? 457 00:26:59,117 --> 00:27:00,993 - What are you doing? - I'm saying, like, 458 00:27:00,994 --> 00:27:03,495 he puts his dick in like every sticky hole he finds. 459 00:27:03,496 --> 00:27:05,039 - That's not true. - It gross. 460 00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:06,790 - Xander! - But like I'm jels. 461 00:27:06,791 --> 00:27:08,584 Come on. 462 00:27:08,585 --> 00:27:10,044 - No, I'm just kidding. - I don't know. 463 00:27:10,045 --> 00:27:11,045 I don't know. - I'm just kidding. 464 00:27:11,046 --> 00:27:12,546 I know it's not you. I know it's not you. 465 00:27:12,547 --> 00:27:14,256 I know it's because his dad molested him. 466 00:27:14,257 --> 00:27:15,174 - What? - What? 467 00:27:15,175 --> 00:27:18,469 - Now everybody knows! - He was a boy scout leader. 468 00:27:18,470 --> 00:27:20,346 Bro, you're welcome. You're welcome. 469 00:27:20,347 --> 00:27:23,223 - How am I welcome? - I just set that up for you! 470 00:27:23,224 --> 00:27:23,807 Where is she going? 471 00:27:23,808 --> 00:27:25,309 - Yeah, don't let her get away, man. 472 00:27:25,310 --> 00:27:26,977 Dude, you have to chase after her. 473 00:27:26,978 --> 00:27:29,438 - I know. - She's a lobster, man. 474 00:27:29,439 --> 00:27:33,150 - Okay. Alright. - She seems... 475 00:27:33,234 --> 00:27:34,485 amazing. - Awesome! 476 00:27:34,486 --> 00:27:38,614 Hey, Lainey. Where are you going? 477 00:27:38,615 --> 00:27:39,907 Yeah, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. 478 00:27:39,908 --> 00:27:42,618 I want to thank you for tonight. It was great. 479 00:27:42,619 --> 00:27:44,912 Just go in and have fun with your friends. 480 00:27:44,913 --> 00:27:47,915 I just-I FaceBooked you because it thought I should 481 00:27:47,916 --> 00:27:50,918 start dating again, I'm trying to get over this guy-- 482 00:27:50,919 --> 00:27:52,920 Was this supposed to be a date? 483 00:27:54,172 --> 00:27:56,256 Oh shit, it was... 484 00:27:56,257 --> 00:27:59,426 Oh hell. I'm an idiot. I'm sorry, I'm a dick. 485 00:27:59,427 --> 00:28:01,762 I'm sorry, I didn't know. I-- 486 00:28:01,763 --> 00:28:03,263 Hey, how about we go on a date. 487 00:28:03,264 --> 00:28:04,723 This is a date now. - We'll go out-- 488 00:28:04,724 --> 00:28:06,517 - Oh, now it's-- - Yeah, it's a date. 489 00:28:06,518 --> 00:28:07,726 Let's go on a date. This is good. 490 00:28:07,727 --> 00:28:10,938 I'll go inside, I'm gonna get my jacket then I'll come out and 491 00:28:10,939 --> 00:28:13,524 we'll date it up. 492 00:28:13,525 --> 00:28:16,068 Matthew Sobvechik? The guy had all the charm 493 00:28:16,069 --> 00:28:17,528 of a broken Etch-a-Sketch. 494 00:28:17,529 --> 00:28:20,447 - It feels so freeing to tell someone about it 495 00:28:20,448 --> 00:28:21,156 who actually knows him. 496 00:28:21,157 --> 00:28:22,908 Okay, you're going to have to explain this to me. 497 00:28:22,909 --> 00:28:25,994 I mean, is he packing? Huh? Is that what's going on? 498 00:28:25,995 --> 00:28:26,787 Does it tip in hundreds? 499 00:28:26,788 --> 00:28:28,080 Read you the Polar Express before bedtime? 500 00:28:28,081 --> 00:28:30,457 You know, it's pretty average actually. 501 00:28:30,458 --> 00:28:34,461 Ah, goddammit! Even his junk is boring. 502 00:28:34,462 --> 00:28:36,964 God damn boring dick! 503 00:28:37,048 --> 00:28:39,174 That's so weird, and you're a catch! It's true. 504 00:28:39,175 --> 00:28:42,428 You know, I'm serious. You've got a strong vocabulary. 505 00:28:42,429 --> 00:28:46,682 You look dynamite in a tank top. It's just - what gives? 506 00:28:46,683 --> 00:28:48,517 I guess... 507 00:28:50,145 --> 00:28:54,898 I guess, I just thought eventually he'd choose me. 508 00:28:55,775 --> 00:28:57,484 And so I always chose him. 509 00:28:57,485 --> 00:29:00,904 If he texted I'd think of an excuse. I'd lie, I'd-- 510 00:29:00,905 --> 00:29:02,990 That's psychotic. 511 00:29:02,991 --> 00:29:04,116 Thanks. 512 00:29:04,117 --> 00:29:04,992 Well, I mean it's not your fault. 513 00:29:04,993 --> 00:29:09,830 You know, little girls are told someday they'll find The One. 514 00:29:09,831 --> 00:29:11,915 What they don't tell you guys is that The One might be a complete 515 00:29:11,916 --> 00:29:15,043 fucking dickhead with a boring heroin penis that turns you all 516 00:29:15,044 --> 00:29:16,587 into a sex addict. That's what they-- 517 00:29:16,588 --> 00:29:18,756 - I'm not a sex addict. - Oh yeah. Yeah. Me neither. 518 00:29:18,757 --> 00:29:21,008 - I went to a few meetings because my therapist suggested 519 00:29:21,009 --> 00:29:25,846 that I go, that it might help. But it didn't, so I stopped. 520 00:29:25,847 --> 00:29:28,182 - Okay. - What's your excuse? 521 00:29:28,183 --> 00:29:29,183 - Me? - Yeah. 522 00:29:29,184 --> 00:29:31,477 My girlfriend said if I didn't go she'd break up with me. 523 00:29:31,478 --> 00:29:34,938 So I went to a meeting. She broke up with me anyway. 524 00:29:35,023 --> 00:29:35,856 I'm cured. 525 00:29:35,857 --> 00:29:38,609 Well why did she want you to go? 526 00:29:41,863 --> 00:29:48,202 She... some have suggested that I have a little bit of 527 00:29:48,203 --> 00:29:49,912 a problem staying faithful... 528 00:29:49,913 --> 00:29:54,416 for long periods of time... or possibly at all. I guess. 529 00:29:54,501 --> 00:29:56,502 And it all comes out. 530 00:29:56,503 --> 00:30:01,256 Look, once I come to the realization that I'm with- 531 00:30:01,257 --> 00:30:04,218 the wrong girl, I don't know how to end it. 532 00:30:04,219 --> 00:30:07,930 So you sabotage it by sleeping with other people. 533 00:30:07,931 --> 00:30:09,264 Yes. Exactly, yeah. 534 00:30:09,265 --> 00:30:12,142 Obviously they get upset, but then comes the big old 535 00:30:12,143 --> 00:30:15,020 rigmarole of like 'you're afraid to commit' and it's like 536 00:30:15,021 --> 00:30:16,939 'no, I just don't want to commit to you.' 537 00:30:16,940 --> 00:30:19,858 But I can't say that, because that's like mean on top of mean. 538 00:30:19,859 --> 00:30:22,152 So it's no, no, no. It's not you, it's me. 539 00:30:22,153 --> 00:30:25,030 I don't like you. 540 00:30:25,031 --> 00:30:26,949 You know, like that. - Yeah, that's harsh. 541 00:30:26,950 --> 00:30:28,659 That's harsh, right. You can't say that. 542 00:30:28,660 --> 00:30:30,994 So instead I'd rather just say something like: 543 00:30:30,995 --> 00:30:33,956 'I fucked your sister.' - Much better. 544 00:30:33,957 --> 00:30:35,040 Well, it's honest. 545 00:30:35,041 --> 00:30:37,793 You have to fuck the sister in order for it to work. 546 00:30:37,794 --> 00:30:38,710 It's like I'd rather - 547 00:30:38,711 --> 00:30:40,337 Be the bad guy than tell the truth. 548 00:30:40,338 --> 00:30:41,129 See. You get it. 549 00:30:41,130 --> 00:30:44,091 Yeah. But I'm psychotic. 550 00:30:44,467 --> 00:30:47,135 But like an approachable psychotic. 551 00:30:47,136 --> 00:30:48,846 That's the thing I don't think I mentioned earlier. 552 00:30:48,847 --> 00:30:51,849 - You like it? - Yeah, it's Like Ted Bundy. 553 00:30:51,850 --> 00:30:54,726 You can't get into a van by just being a jerk. 554 00:30:54,727 --> 00:30:58,105 You've got to have a certain way about you. 555 00:30:58,106 --> 00:30:58,939 ...appetites? 556 00:30:58,940 --> 00:31:00,691 - That would be - That would be something. 557 00:31:00,692 --> 00:31:03,318 - Yes, yes, yes. - I'm hungry again. 558 00:31:03,319 --> 00:31:04,528 Already? 559 00:31:05,446 --> 00:31:07,531 You know, that's Dim Sum for you. 560 00:31:07,532 --> 00:31:09,658 I have snacks at home. I have-- 561 00:31:09,659 --> 00:31:11,952 This is actually - this is my train. 562 00:31:11,953 --> 00:31:12,786 What here? Oh yeah? 563 00:31:12,787 --> 00:31:14,246 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Alright. 564 00:31:14,247 --> 00:31:16,373 - So I'm probably going to hit the road. 565 00:31:16,374 --> 00:31:19,668 - Yeah. - Jake, thank you. 566 00:31:20,962 --> 00:31:23,380 We did it. This was a good date. 567 00:31:23,381 --> 00:31:24,006 We did the date. 568 00:31:24,007 --> 00:31:26,884 - I think it was the first I think it might have been the 569 00:31:26,885 --> 00:31:29,344 first date I've ever been on so I don't really have much to 570 00:31:29,345 --> 00:31:31,013 compare it to, but it seemed solid. 571 00:31:31,014 --> 00:31:33,015 Good. Okay. 572 00:31:33,808 --> 00:31:35,309 Shit... 573 00:31:35,310 --> 00:31:37,060 What? 574 00:31:37,854 --> 00:31:39,897 I- I want to fuck you. 575 00:31:39,898 --> 00:31:42,024 - What? That's so-- - I know... 576 00:31:42,025 --> 00:31:44,401 - No! - What do you mean no? 577 00:31:44,527 --> 00:31:47,487 What did I do? Stop wanting to! 578 00:31:47,488 --> 00:31:49,281 It's kinda hard. I mean, look at you. 579 00:31:49,282 --> 00:31:51,867 I mean, you're so pretty and you're vulnerable and it's just 580 00:31:51,868 --> 00:31:53,869 like you might as well be wearing a sign that says: 581 00:31:53,870 --> 00:31:54,703 Solve my problems with your penis! 582 00:31:54,704 --> 00:31:56,872 Jake, we just spent the entire evening talking about how we 583 00:31:56,873 --> 00:31:59,541 screw up every sexual relationship we've ever have. 584 00:31:59,542 --> 00:32:03,503 I know, right. And yet here I am, wanting... 585 00:32:03,504 --> 00:32:06,423 So maybe we gotta just be friends. 586 00:32:06,424 --> 00:32:08,884 Yes. That is the mature, responsible thing 587 00:32:08,885 --> 00:32:12,846 to do for each other and ourselves, yes I agree. 588 00:32:12,847 --> 00:32:14,181 Okay, but we've got to come up with a system, 589 00:32:14,182 --> 00:32:16,683 if we're gonna be friends, and I want to be good friends-- 590 00:32:16,684 --> 00:32:21,563 It's fair. So maybe we come up with a safe word for if we're 591 00:32:21,564 --> 00:32:24,024 having sexual tension and then we'll stop whatever-- 592 00:32:24,025 --> 00:32:26,526 If you're doing something sexy or I'm doing something sexy. 593 00:32:26,527 --> 00:32:27,903 - Feeling attracted. - It's mutual? 594 00:32:27,904 --> 00:32:29,947 So it is mutual? You're saying it's mutual? 595 00:32:29,948 --> 00:32:31,907 - It could be mutual. - That's a yes. 596 00:32:31,908 --> 00:32:34,534 I may or may not have to use the word. We'll have to see. 597 00:32:34,535 --> 00:32:36,578 Okay, alright. Well say it for me. 598 00:32:36,579 --> 00:32:40,499 - Yeah. Anything. I'll do anything. You pick it, and yes. 599 00:32:40,500 --> 00:32:42,584 - It's Avocado. - No. Can't do that. 600 00:32:42,585 --> 00:32:44,753 No. It's an immediate veto? 601 00:32:44,754 --> 00:32:46,672 I mean, it's too sexual. It's too sexual. 602 00:32:46,673 --> 00:32:49,091 - Avocado is too sexual? - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 603 00:32:49,092 --> 00:32:51,009 I mean, you've got to see the way I eat an avocado 604 00:32:51,010 --> 00:32:54,304 and you'll be like that's you know, do that to me. 605 00:32:54,472 --> 00:32:55,055 Guam. 606 00:32:55,056 --> 00:32:57,015 - Guam, like the country Guam? No! No. 607 00:32:57,016 --> 00:32:59,434 I knew a girl whose father was from Guam and she literally had 608 00:32:59,435 --> 00:33:02,688 one of the best natural bodies I've ever seen in my life. 609 00:33:02,689 --> 00:33:03,230 Noodle salad. 610 00:33:03,231 --> 00:33:06,149 Noodle salad? that's a sex thing. 611 00:33:06,150 --> 00:33:06,483 What? 612 00:33:06,484 --> 00:33:08,402 That's a bunch of guys putting flaccid dicks into 613 00:33:08,403 --> 00:33:10,988 someone's mouth. That is called a noddle salad. 614 00:33:10,989 --> 00:33:12,614 That is not a thing. 615 00:33:12,615 --> 00:33:14,866 I mean it absolutely is a thing. 616 00:33:14,867 --> 00:33:16,576 I know it's a thing. Go to noodlesalad.org 617 00:33:16,577 --> 00:33:18,954 Now I feel like you're just trying to find problems. 618 00:33:18,955 --> 00:33:21,456 I would make the argument that you are just suggesting only 619 00:33:21,457 --> 00:33:24,126 things that can only be perceived as sexual. 620 00:33:24,127 --> 00:33:26,461 - Okay, so it needs to be more violent. 621 00:33:26,462 --> 00:33:27,963 - Yeah. - Dick in a Mousetrap! 622 00:33:27,964 --> 00:33:29,673 - Yikes! What is that? - Oh! 623 00:33:29,674 --> 00:33:31,258 - That's awful! You don't like it? 624 00:33:31,259 --> 00:33:32,134 - No! - That's the one. 625 00:33:32,135 --> 00:33:33,844 - What? - We'll shorten it to Mousetrap. 626 00:33:33,845 --> 00:33:37,389 - Thank you. Goodbye. - Mousetrap? Alright. Goodbye. 627 00:33:37,390 --> 00:33:40,517 - I'm going. I'm going for it. - Yeah. Live on the edge. 628 00:33:40,518 --> 00:33:44,062 - Goodnight. Careful. Bye. 629 00:33:45,148 --> 00:33:46,940 Bye. - Bye. 630 00:33:46,941 --> 00:33:47,941 ♪ Your face will surely show it, 631 00:33:47,942 --> 00:33:51,486 If you're happy and you know it clap your hands! ♪ 632 00:33:51,487 --> 00:33:52,446 Yay! 633 00:33:52,447 --> 00:33:56,324 Good singing. Good. Alright, free play. Everybody play. 634 00:33:56,534 --> 00:33:57,951 Hey, hey, hey, hey. 635 00:33:57,952 --> 00:33:59,578 Lyle, no, no, no, no. 636 00:33:59,579 --> 00:34:01,872 Alexander had the ball first. 637 00:34:01,873 --> 00:34:03,498 Why did you take it from him? 638 00:34:03,499 --> 00:34:08,045 Hey, no. You've got to use your words. We don't do that. 639 00:34:08,046 --> 00:34:10,422 - One of my students reminds me of you. 640 00:34:10,423 --> 00:34:13,842 He's devastatingly handsome? 641 00:34:14,218 --> 00:34:15,844 He reminds me of us. 642 00:34:15,845 --> 00:34:17,846 He has no one to play with and gets angry. 643 00:34:17,847 --> 00:34:22,476 So nobody wants to play with him cuz he's angry all the time. 644 00:34:23,519 --> 00:34:24,352 No dates, huh? 645 00:34:24,353 --> 00:34:26,521 - Haven't met anyone. I've been busy. 646 00:34:26,522 --> 00:34:30,275 Studying for the MCATs, you know. You? 647 00:34:30,276 --> 00:34:32,694 Nothing. Nada. 648 00:34:33,529 --> 00:34:35,280 Have you texted Voldemort? 649 00:34:35,281 --> 00:34:37,157 Trying to distract myself. 650 00:34:37,158 --> 00:34:42,245 Sometimes I dress up in lingerie just to feel something. 651 00:34:42,246 --> 00:34:43,997 Oof, mousetrap. 652 00:34:43,998 --> 00:34:47,125 You should text me what you want to text him. 653 00:34:47,710 --> 00:34:49,878 I miss your cock in my mouth. 654 00:34:49,879 --> 00:34:53,048 I miss the way you feel on top of me. 655 00:34:53,049 --> 00:34:55,092 I miss making you cum. 656 00:34:55,093 --> 00:34:58,887 - Whoa, since when are you a porn star with killer grammar? 657 00:34:58,888 --> 00:35:00,472 That's how I text with him. 658 00:35:00,473 --> 00:35:02,724 - Okay, well you're sending porn star 659 00:35:02,725 --> 00:35:04,017 vibes instead of Lainey vibes. 660 00:35:04,018 --> 00:35:06,937 - You're one to talk. You're a completely different 661 00:35:06,938 --> 00:35:08,980 guy with me than with other ladies. 662 00:35:08,981 --> 00:35:09,564 That's not true. 663 00:35:09,565 --> 00:35:12,150 - If you want someone to fall for you, you gotta be you. 664 00:35:12,151 --> 00:35:14,736 - Yeah, I don't think I like me enough to introduce 665 00:35:14,737 --> 00:35:16,613 him to other people. 666 00:35:16,739 --> 00:35:18,198 Night. 667 00:35:24,247 --> 00:35:26,540 That was fun. 668 00:35:28,668 --> 00:35:31,962 - Goodnight. - Goodnight. 669 00:37:02,637 --> 00:37:03,762 He looked so normal. 670 00:37:03,763 --> 00:37:06,765 Like he hadn't even noticed we stopped sleeping together. 671 00:37:06,766 --> 00:37:07,807 No, no. He noticed. 672 00:37:07,808 --> 00:37:09,392 He's just not thinking about it the same way. 673 00:37:09,393 --> 00:37:12,312 Right. Right, great. I'm a guilty slut and he gets 674 00:37:12,313 --> 00:37:16,900 to be a heartless alpha male who fucking jogs! 675 00:37:16,901 --> 00:37:18,735 No! That's not it at all. To Sobvechik, 676 00:37:18,736 --> 00:37:22,364 you're like the hardest drug at the coolest party. 677 00:37:22,365 --> 00:37:23,990 In a second he has to make a decision; 678 00:37:23,991 --> 00:37:26,701 do I go home now or cancel everything tomorrow. 679 00:37:26,702 --> 00:37:29,120 You know, no pre-meditation means no post-meditation. 680 00:37:29,121 --> 00:37:31,748 It's not like months from now he's thinking, oh gosh, 681 00:37:31,749 --> 00:37:33,750 I wonder how crack is doing? 682 00:37:33,751 --> 00:37:36,419 Or I hope cocaine isn't mad at me! 683 00:37:36,420 --> 00:37:39,381 You know. No dude thinks like that. Except Aaron Sorkin. 684 00:37:39,382 --> 00:37:41,216 Are you saying I'm crack cocaine? 685 00:37:41,217 --> 00:37:42,425 Yeah. Don't sell yourself short. 686 00:37:42,426 --> 00:37:44,803 We wouldn't have The West Wing without you. 687 00:37:44,804 --> 00:37:45,679 What is wrong with me? 688 00:37:45,680 --> 00:37:48,431 - Nothing's wrong with you. Are you kidding me? You're great. 689 00:37:48,432 --> 00:37:52,269 I mean you're funny, you're sexy, you're cool, 690 00:37:52,270 --> 00:37:53,853 like... Oh... - 691 00:37:53,854 --> 00:37:56,106 What? You run out of compliments? 692 00:37:56,107 --> 00:37:58,066 Yeah. No. Do you remember that girl, Renee? 693 00:37:58,067 --> 00:38:00,777 - Had a spectacular time with you last night. 694 00:38:00,778 --> 00:38:01,778 I'm at lunch. 695 00:38:01,779 --> 00:38:03,321 Just tried calling you. 696 00:38:03,322 --> 00:38:05,407 Have you ever thought about taking a road trip? 697 00:38:05,408 --> 00:38:07,951 At least respond so I know you're alive and okay. 698 00:38:07,952 --> 00:38:09,411 GIF of a panda dancing! 699 00:38:09,412 --> 00:38:10,662 Seriously - are you okay? 700 00:38:10,663 --> 00:38:11,955 I was on the subway, did you text me? 701 00:38:11,956 --> 00:38:14,124 Fuck me then ignore me... Nice one, Jake! 702 00:38:14,125 --> 00:38:16,626 Photo of a dog dressed as a Nazi! 703 00:38:16,627 --> 00:38:17,627 I have chlamydia... 704 00:38:17,628 --> 00:38:18,670 Okay, I was joking!!! 705 00:38:18,671 --> 00:38:20,547 I do have HPV though... and I hope it's the one 706 00:38:20,548 --> 00:38:25,468 that gives you dick cancer. Emoji of a heart. xxx Renee. 707 00:38:25,761 --> 00:38:27,137 Well, that's sort of normal. 708 00:38:27,138 --> 00:38:29,306 You actively stalked someone today, your perception of 709 00:38:29,307 --> 00:38:31,266 normal might be a little skewed, my dear. 710 00:38:31,267 --> 00:38:35,228 Okay, you slept with her. Rocked her face. 711 00:38:35,229 --> 00:38:36,313 Yes. With my body. 712 00:38:36,314 --> 00:38:37,063 You didn't call her. 713 00:38:37,064 --> 00:38:38,982 I lost my phone in a cab. 714 00:38:38,983 --> 00:38:40,650 And you unleashed her Khaleesi. 715 00:38:40,651 --> 00:38:43,403 Wait. You mean like Game of Thrones Khaleesi? 716 00:38:43,404 --> 00:38:48,325 Yes. Either A) we make multiple babies with you or 717 00:38:48,326 --> 00:38:51,286 B) we cut your dick off. 718 00:38:51,746 --> 00:38:52,120 Jesus... 719 00:38:52,121 --> 00:38:55,582 I've got my fingers crossed out here for an option C. 720 00:38:55,583 --> 00:38:58,001 C) You appease her. 721 00:38:58,002 --> 00:38:59,836 And how do you appease your Khaleesi? 722 00:38:59,837 --> 00:39:03,423 I spend about a month's rent on this. 723 00:39:06,552 --> 00:39:07,260 What do you think? 724 00:39:07,261 --> 00:39:11,181 Yeah, I mean you should definitely wear stuff over it. 725 00:39:11,182 --> 00:39:14,351 Nice neg. Mousetrap. 726 00:39:27,073 --> 00:39:30,325 Hey, you've reached Lainey. Leave a message. 727 00:39:30,326 --> 00:39:32,118 Hey dude, It's me. I haven't heard from you in a 728 00:39:32,119 --> 00:39:34,662 while so I'm gonna guess you either finally fucked Jake 729 00:39:34,663 --> 00:39:36,373 or you got into med school. 730 00:39:36,374 --> 00:39:40,877 Either way, mazel tov. Happy Hannukah or whatever the--- 731 00:39:41,670 --> 00:39:44,172 Just pick a TV and we can get out of here. 732 00:39:44,173 --> 00:39:44,839 So tell me what happened. 733 00:39:44,840 --> 00:39:47,967 Oh right. Okay, so I've been seeing this gal Thea, alright. 734 00:39:47,968 --> 00:39:50,720 She's black. And-- - Wait. Stop! 735 00:39:50,721 --> 00:39:54,724 Does this story end with you doing something super racist? 736 00:39:55,059 --> 00:39:56,309 Oh my god. No! 737 00:39:56,310 --> 00:39:59,729 Why are you telling me she's black? 738 00:39:59,855 --> 00:40:00,397 I don't know. I-- 739 00:40:00,398 --> 00:40:03,817 I'm just trying to give you a mental picture, that's all. 740 00:40:04,485 --> 00:40:07,320 Okay. Racist. Keep going. 741 00:40:07,321 --> 00:40:09,280 Okay. Well, we go see a movie. During the day. 742 00:40:09,281 --> 00:40:12,492 And she's super smart and cool and also gorgeous but I do what 743 00:40:12,493 --> 00:40:15,161 we talked about: I do not sleep with her. 744 00:40:15,162 --> 00:40:17,163 You're so strong. I'm so proud. 745 00:40:17,164 --> 00:40:20,583 Hey. Not all of us can remain celibate for a year, alright. 746 00:40:20,584 --> 00:40:22,419 I'm just waiting for the right guy. 747 00:40:22,420 --> 00:40:25,046 The white guy? Whose racist now... 748 00:40:25,047 --> 00:40:27,715 - The right guy. - Oh, the right guy. 749 00:40:27,716 --> 00:40:29,300 Oh, the one you waited for for ten year. 750 00:40:29,301 --> 00:40:32,053 That right guy? You know, he's married now - that one? 751 00:40:32,054 --> 00:40:33,430 What're we doing in this aisle? 752 00:40:33,431 --> 00:40:35,140 Can I finish my story please? 753 00:40:35,141 --> 00:40:39,561 I wait four days and then I call her and we go out again. 754 00:40:39,562 --> 00:40:40,687 Alright? No sex. 755 00:40:40,688 --> 00:40:44,274 I mean, we hook up but I don't, like, finger her or anything. 756 00:40:44,275 --> 00:40:44,732 Awesome. 757 00:40:44,733 --> 00:40:46,693 So I call her last night, and I'm like: 758 00:40:46,694 --> 00:40:49,112 Hey, do you want to go see the new Wes Anderson movie? 759 00:40:49,113 --> 00:40:52,699 - Ugh. - What? And then she's like: 760 00:40:52,700 --> 00:40:53,992 Jake. What are you doing? 761 00:40:53,993 --> 00:40:56,870 - And I'm like, Oh of course. Wes Anderson is such a 762 00:40:56,871 --> 00:40:59,456 stupid white guy thing to do suggest, you know. 763 00:40:59,457 --> 00:41:01,916 Okay, racist. And also dumb. Yes. 764 00:41:01,917 --> 00:41:03,960 Do you two need any help? 765 00:41:03,961 --> 00:41:07,130 No, we're good. She just takes a while to make a decision. 766 00:41:07,131 --> 00:41:08,798 - I do. - Yeah, you got it. 767 00:41:08,799 --> 00:41:11,509 And so I'm like well do you want to go see something else? 768 00:41:11,510 --> 00:41:12,093 And then she says: 769 00:41:12,094 --> 00:41:15,430 - Why haven't we had sex yet? Do you just want to be friends? 770 00:41:15,431 --> 00:41:18,683 Because honestly, I have enough friends. 771 00:41:18,684 --> 00:41:20,894 Where are you right now? 772 00:41:32,865 --> 00:41:35,200 That was awesome. 773 00:41:35,367 --> 00:41:36,868 Oh my god... 774 00:41:36,869 --> 00:41:39,537 Oh golly... 775 00:41:39,872 --> 00:41:42,540 Sorry if I was too noisy, but that was like-- 776 00:41:42,541 --> 00:41:45,877 I don't know what got into me. Hey... 777 00:41:46,629 --> 00:41:48,755 Did you... 778 00:41:49,089 --> 00:41:50,965 - No. - Oh. 779 00:41:50,966 --> 00:41:52,425 But don't take it personally. 780 00:41:52,426 --> 00:41:55,094 I don't orgasm during sex that much. 781 00:41:55,095 --> 00:41:58,681 So? Lots of women don't cum during sex. 782 00:41:58,682 --> 00:42:02,435 So? No, no, no. That has never happened to me before! 783 00:42:02,436 --> 00:42:03,394 What positions did you do? 784 00:42:03,395 --> 00:42:06,564 - No. We did everything. What's your favorite position? 785 00:42:06,565 --> 00:42:08,566 - I don't know. The regular one? 786 00:42:08,567 --> 00:42:11,694 The regular-come on. 787 00:42:12,154 --> 00:42:12,779 From behind. 788 00:42:12,780 --> 00:42:14,739 - Exactly. Because you hate your dad. 789 00:42:14,740 --> 00:42:17,325 Oh my god. Mousetrap! 790 00:42:17,326 --> 00:42:19,577 All set. And can I just say 791 00:42:19,578 --> 00:42:23,665 we think you two are the coolest married couple ever. 792 00:42:24,083 --> 00:42:25,416 - That's-we don't get that enough. 793 00:42:25,417 --> 00:42:26,709 - So sweet. - Thank you. 794 00:42:26,710 --> 00:42:28,002 - That's really sweet. - Happy holidays. 795 00:42:28,003 --> 00:42:29,212 - Let's go, hon. - Happy holidays, yes. 796 00:42:29,213 --> 00:42:31,381 I will just meet you out by our minivan. 797 00:42:31,382 --> 00:42:32,674 - I'll meet you out front. - Okay, great. 798 00:42:32,675 --> 00:42:34,676 I'll have to move the car seat and then there 799 00:42:34,677 --> 00:42:36,636 will be plenty of room. 800 00:42:37,555 --> 00:42:40,306 Car seat? Are we going to have a kid? 801 00:42:40,307 --> 00:42:42,350 It's just like- when do you orgasm? 802 00:42:42,351 --> 00:42:45,186 When does it happen to you? - When I'm with Matthew. 803 00:42:45,187 --> 00:42:48,731 - Yeah, okay. - That's it. 804 00:42:48,816 --> 00:42:50,650 That's it! 805 00:42:50,651 --> 00:42:52,652 Okay, well that just explained everything. 806 00:42:52,653 --> 00:42:56,447 That's-you haven't had an orgasm in a year? 807 00:42:56,448 --> 00:42:59,742 Come on, that's bullshit. Not even when you masturbate? 808 00:42:59,743 --> 00:43:02,453 Lainey, you've got to be kidding me! 809 00:43:02,454 --> 00:43:04,414 You don't mast-- Why not? 810 00:43:04,415 --> 00:43:08,042 What-I don't know. I've tried to! I try. 811 00:43:08,043 --> 00:43:11,588 I just, I don't know, I - I get bored. 812 00:43:11,755 --> 00:43:13,047 Bored? How's that boring? 813 00:43:13,048 --> 00:43:14,299 - I feel good when I'm with Matthew. 814 00:43:14,300 --> 00:43:17,635 I don't know. I don't know how to recreate that for myself. 815 00:43:17,636 --> 00:43:19,721 Well fuck the TV, I'm going to teach you 816 00:43:19,722 --> 00:43:23,016 how to finger yourself today. Right now, okay. 817 00:43:23,017 --> 00:43:25,393 - What? - It's go time. 818 00:43:25,394 --> 00:43:27,812 Sister. Alright? Let's go. Alright. 819 00:43:27,813 --> 00:43:29,981 - Okay... - No, no. This is a good thing. 820 00:43:29,982 --> 00:43:32,317 It's about time. Get it out. Okay... 821 00:43:32,318 --> 00:43:35,153 For the purposes of today's tutorial your vagina will be 822 00:43:35,154 --> 00:43:38,489 played by this former bottle of green tea. 823 00:43:38,490 --> 00:43:40,283 - Looks just like it. - Okay. Good to know. 824 00:43:40,284 --> 00:43:44,037 So, here's what we do. First thing you do is you take this 825 00:43:44,038 --> 00:43:45,038 guy, this index finger 826 00:43:45,039 --> 00:43:47,123 and you're just going to slide it in there like that, okay. 827 00:43:47,124 --> 00:43:50,168 And you're going to curve it up a little bit and I want you to 828 00:43:50,169 --> 00:43:50,835 tap the roof like that. 829 00:43:50,836 --> 00:43:53,463 You see that - that's your G Spot - alright, you got that? 830 00:43:53,464 --> 00:43:54,172 Yeah. I'll check it out. 831 00:43:54,173 --> 00:43:56,549 - Alright, now next move, you're going to take the middle finger 832 00:43:56,550 --> 00:43:59,093 here, you know, the bad boy right you're gonna pop that in 833 00:43:59,094 --> 00:44:01,179 as well and then you're gonna have that one tapping the roof 834 00:44:01,180 --> 00:44:04,682 and then this one - the middle finger - is going to be sort of 835 00:44:04,683 --> 00:44:08,227 circling this sort of fleshy gap area. 836 00:44:08,228 --> 00:44:08,770 My cervix? Jesus. 837 00:44:08,771 --> 00:44:11,564 Yeah, sure. You know what it's called. Wonderful. Good for you. 838 00:44:11,565 --> 00:44:13,358 Okay yes, so you're going to go after the cervix here. 839 00:44:13,359 --> 00:44:16,402 So you're going to mind the gap, right. And tap the roof. 840 00:44:16,403 --> 00:44:18,237 Mind the gap. Tap the roof. 841 00:44:18,238 --> 00:44:20,323 - You got it. And at this point you want to start thinking 842 00:44:20,324 --> 00:44:22,950 about something arousing. You know, like maybe you want to 843 00:44:22,951 --> 00:44:26,204 think about the guy you lost your virginity to perhaps. 844 00:44:26,205 --> 00:44:26,579 Gross. 845 00:44:26,580 --> 00:44:27,955 Okay, and then you're going to start to get wet. 846 00:44:27,956 --> 00:44:30,291 You're going to start to get wet and then you're going to start 847 00:44:30,292 --> 00:44:32,210 to feel some contractions in your vagina. 848 00:44:32,211 --> 00:44:34,921 At that point you're going to want to squeeze your vagina 849 00:44:34,922 --> 00:44:37,131 harder than it wants to go, okay. 850 00:44:37,132 --> 00:44:39,509 - And that's called-- - Kegeling. 851 00:44:39,510 --> 00:44:42,053 Well it's pronounced kee -gul -ing, but it doesn't matter. 852 00:44:42,054 --> 00:44:43,054 Uh, I got into medical school! 853 00:44:43,055 --> 00:44:44,555 I think I know how it's pronounced. 854 00:44:44,556 --> 00:44:47,392 What - you did? You didn't tell me that. 855 00:44:47,393 --> 00:44:50,019 Oh yeah. I got in. Michigan. 856 00:44:50,020 --> 00:44:51,604 Wow... 857 00:44:52,022 --> 00:44:54,774 Lane, that's great... Alright. 858 00:44:55,401 --> 00:44:57,402 I mean, are you gonna go? What are you thinking? 859 00:44:57,403 --> 00:45:00,780 Well I mean I have until the end of the summer to decide. So... 860 00:45:00,781 --> 00:45:04,659 - Keep going! - Oh, right. Yeah. Oh, um... 861 00:45:04,910 --> 00:45:07,995 Okay, so do you know what a dirty DJ is? 862 00:45:07,996 --> 00:45:09,414 - No. - You don't? Okay, great. 863 00:45:09,415 --> 00:45:11,833 Okay, so the biggest misconception that guys have 864 00:45:11,834 --> 00:45:13,668 about the clitoris, if they can find it, 865 00:45:13,669 --> 00:45:16,921 is that they're too nice to it. Okay, that's the problem. I 866 00:45:16,922 --> 00:45:21,801 mean the trick is to be a little rude to the clitoris, okay. 867 00:45:21,802 --> 00:45:22,260 Oh really? 868 00:45:22,261 --> 00:45:24,345 Yeah. Go to town on this little motherfucker right here. 869 00:45:24,346 --> 00:45:26,764 You just-you just you know, so that's the dirty DJ - 870 00:45:26,765 --> 00:45:30,226 it's like you're scratching a record. 871 00:45:32,771 --> 00:45:33,688 Let-let-let the drummer 872 00:45:33,689 --> 00:45:35,606 Let-let-let the drummer get wicked right? 873 00:45:35,607 --> 00:45:37,358 And you just really want to work that little bugger. 874 00:45:37,359 --> 00:45:39,110 You know, remember like the old IBM Thinkpads? 875 00:45:39,111 --> 00:45:42,113 And that little nub. Right? Okay, so you just really 876 00:45:42,114 --> 00:45:45,032 go after it like that - just like this. 877 00:45:45,033 --> 00:45:47,535 So you have that - that's phase three. 878 00:45:47,536 --> 00:45:50,663 So again - yeah, perfect. Natural... 879 00:45:50,664 --> 00:45:53,207 So tap the roof. Mind the gap. 880 00:45:53,208 --> 00:45:54,709 Oh, see. Okay, yeah. 881 00:45:54,710 --> 00:45:56,002 Work all three. Look at that. 882 00:45:56,003 --> 00:45:57,837 It's like you're doing oh boy, oh boy... 883 00:45:57,838 --> 00:46:01,215 I feel like Anne Sullivan teaching Helen Keller about 884 00:46:01,216 --> 00:46:04,093 water right now. That is amazing. What a breakthrough! 885 00:46:04,094 --> 00:46:04,886 - Like that? - Yeah, that's it. 886 00:46:04,887 --> 00:46:08,306 Yeah, just take a night, crack open a bottle of rose and just 887 00:46:08,307 --> 00:46:13,811 have multiple orgasms. If you want... 888 00:46:17,691 --> 00:46:21,652 I-- Primatologists actually believed that-that women 889 00:46:21,653 --> 00:46:24,947 evolved this way so that-- 890 00:46:24,948 --> 00:46:29,577 they could mate with as many men in one session as possible. 891 00:46:30,788 --> 00:46:32,580 Fucking awesome... 892 00:46:32,873 --> 00:46:33,372 That's neat. 893 00:46:33,373 --> 00:46:36,918 Multiple orgasms for multiple partners. 894 00:46:38,712 --> 00:46:41,380 Gang bangs. And such. 895 00:46:41,799 --> 00:46:43,299 Yeah... 896 00:46:45,052 --> 00:46:47,094 - I'm gonna go home. - Yeah. Me too. 897 00:46:47,095 --> 00:46:48,971 - No, no. You live here. - Yes I do! 898 00:46:48,972 --> 00:46:50,056 - Okay now... - Bye! 899 00:46:50,057 --> 00:46:51,641 - Bye now. - Thank you. 900 00:46:51,642 --> 00:46:53,309 Yeah yeah yeah. 901 00:46:55,437 --> 00:46:57,104 I think it's a little bit weird that a 902 00:46:57,105 --> 00:46:58,189 straight dude had to tell you all that. 903 00:46:58,190 --> 00:47:01,442 - I think it's sort of great. I mean, he's actually dating. 904 00:47:01,443 --> 00:47:05,196 He's not cheating. And I hardly think about Matthew. Like ever. 905 00:47:05,197 --> 00:47:08,032 Yeah. Because you're in a relationship with each other. 906 00:47:08,033 --> 00:47:10,076 No we're not. 907 00:47:10,077 --> 00:47:10,827 You're not out there! 908 00:47:10,828 --> 00:47:13,830 This guy Jake is taking up emotional real estate that 909 00:47:13,831 --> 00:47:16,290 could be occupied by a real option, okay. 910 00:47:16,291 --> 00:47:17,667 You leased the that space out to Matthew, 911 00:47:17,668 --> 00:47:20,878 rent free I might add, and now you've replaced him with 912 00:47:20,879 --> 00:47:24,674 another unavailable avoidant breeder you don't fuck. 913 00:47:24,675 --> 00:47:26,759 Like where's the fucking in all this? 914 00:47:26,760 --> 00:47:28,344 Hey babe. Sorry I'm late. 915 00:47:28,345 --> 00:47:31,138 Look at this little baby face. It's beautiful. 916 00:47:31,139 --> 00:47:34,976 Very sick in the head though. Very sick in the head. 917 00:47:34,977 --> 00:47:36,269 How's your fake boyfriend? 918 00:47:36,270 --> 00:47:38,563 Oh my god! We're just friends! 919 00:47:38,564 --> 00:47:41,816 Men and women can't be friends. It's like life 101. 920 00:47:41,817 --> 00:47:44,443 - Stop lying to yourself. - Come one! That's bullshit. 921 00:47:44,444 --> 00:47:46,946 It's the 21st century. We know that's not true. 922 00:47:46,947 --> 00:47:47,530 You and I are friends. 923 00:47:47,531 --> 00:47:49,448 Sex doesn't get in the way of our friendship. 924 00:47:49,449 --> 00:47:52,994 I'm not attracted to you. And I have zero penises. 925 00:47:52,995 --> 00:47:54,328 I am. 926 00:47:54,329 --> 00:47:57,206 Hi, George. Hi, it's me. Your girlfriend. 927 00:47:57,207 --> 00:47:59,125 I like bad girls with Daddy issues. 928 00:47:59,126 --> 00:48:01,419 - She's twenty-two, she'll fuck anyone. 929 00:48:01,420 --> 00:48:02,461 Wait. I'm sorry, no. 930 00:48:02,462 --> 00:48:04,755 Serious, she's probably fucked everyone in here 931 00:48:04,756 --> 00:48:06,591 but I don't even care. 932 00:48:09,553 --> 00:48:10,303 You got a minute? 933 00:48:10,304 --> 00:48:14,599 Not really. I'm kind of in the middle of something. 934 00:48:14,892 --> 00:48:16,100 I was thinking... 935 00:48:16,101 --> 00:48:16,642 Oh yeah? 936 00:48:16,643 --> 00:48:20,646 Do you wanna come to Henry's birthday party this weekend? 937 00:48:21,356 --> 00:48:22,607 Really? - Yep. 938 00:48:22,608 --> 00:48:24,483 Xander, in the eight years I've known you as a father 939 00:48:24,484 --> 00:48:26,986 you have never once invited me to any function 940 00:48:26,987 --> 00:48:27,612 involving your children. 941 00:48:27,613 --> 00:48:32,366 Hear me out. I was thinking... Maybe you and Lainey-- 942 00:48:32,367 --> 00:48:33,784 Ah, I knew it! No. 943 00:48:33,785 --> 00:48:35,161 See, Lainey and I are not dating. 944 00:48:35,162 --> 00:48:37,204 I know that. I'm not saying you have to date her, 945 00:48:37,205 --> 00:48:39,081 I'm not saying you have to come as a couple. 946 00:48:39,082 --> 00:48:41,667 I'm just saying arrive at the party together. 947 00:48:41,668 --> 00:48:44,712 Come as friends - or whatever fucked up thing you guys have-- 948 00:48:44,713 --> 00:48:47,214 - We're best friends. - No, we're best friends! 949 00:48:47,215 --> 00:48:48,382 - That's not true. - What? 950 00:48:48,383 --> 00:48:52,637 Look, she's my best friend and I would say by circumstance and 951 00:48:52,638 --> 00:48:55,514 certainly duration, you would be my next best friend. 952 00:48:55,515 --> 00:48:57,183 You know what, I'll even allow that. 953 00:48:57,184 --> 00:49:02,063 You're my last single friend, I can't have you mingling-- 954 00:49:02,064 --> 00:49:03,356 - Hey. - Yes? 955 00:49:03,357 --> 00:49:05,524 We have a meeting with group sales in twenty. 956 00:49:05,525 --> 00:49:07,401 Are you two prepared? Huh? Not at all. 957 00:49:07,402 --> 00:49:10,488 Should I reschedule the meeting for when you are ready? 958 00:49:10,489 --> 00:49:13,366 Five or six months from now? - I would make it a cool seven. 959 00:49:13,367 --> 00:49:16,369 - Yeah, seven at least. - Shit, I'm not available then. 960 00:49:16,370 --> 00:49:19,163 Oh well, I tried. See you in twenty? 961 00:49:19,164 --> 00:49:21,874 You got it, boss. 962 00:49:22,209 --> 00:49:24,585 - Mousetrap... - What the fuck is that? 963 00:49:24,586 --> 00:49:25,211 That was repartee. 964 00:49:25,212 --> 00:49:27,421 - That's exactly why I can't have you at the party. 965 00:49:27,422 --> 00:49:28,965 Because you have repartee with everybody. 966 00:49:28,966 --> 00:49:33,469 You love repartee. All you want to do is flit around the party, 967 00:49:33,470 --> 00:49:34,804 flirt with the moms. 968 00:49:34,805 --> 00:49:37,640 And then they all get mad, and then they turn on each other. 969 00:49:37,641 --> 00:49:40,601 Then they yell at Naomi, then Naomi yells at me. 970 00:49:40,602 --> 00:49:43,062 Then they won't let their kids play with me kids. 971 00:49:43,063 --> 00:49:46,190 Then I have to play with my kids because my kids have no friends. 972 00:49:46,191 --> 00:49:49,735 I'm raising friendless children because of you. 973 00:49:49,736 --> 00:49:50,319 Do you understand? 974 00:49:50,320 --> 00:49:54,115 It is a cascading shit storm that is your creation. 975 00:49:54,116 --> 00:49:57,243 - A tremendous amount of Malcolm Gladwellian logic jumps. 976 00:49:57,244 --> 00:50:01,288 We'll you've spent ten thousand hours fucking my life up. 977 00:50:01,289 --> 00:50:03,791 - So bring Lainey to the party. - Okay. Fine. 978 00:50:03,792 --> 00:50:07,753 I will, on behalf of your children - and Naomi, 979 00:50:07,754 --> 00:50:10,297 I will talk to Lainey and see what we can do. 980 00:50:10,298 --> 00:50:13,592 Listen, I'm not saying you and Lainey need to date. 981 00:50:13,593 --> 00:50:17,138 I'm just saying, for the first time, I'm a little bit 982 00:50:17,139 --> 00:50:22,643 optimistic you might not become that creepy guy. 983 00:50:22,769 --> 00:50:25,604 But he's got a point. I'm going to be the creepy old dude! 984 00:50:25,605 --> 00:50:28,649 Like, that sucks. And then what happens when my dick doesn't 985 00:50:28,650 --> 00:50:31,444 get as hard as it used to, okay. Because that's going to happen. 986 00:50:31,445 --> 00:50:33,029 It's going to happen, it's inevitable. 987 00:50:33,030 --> 00:50:34,447 And young chicks don't put up with that shit, 988 00:50:34,448 --> 00:50:38,034 they have no time for that. And older women are going to be 989 00:50:38,035 --> 00:50:42,455 nowhere near into my nonsense. Okay? Just not into it at all. 990 00:50:42,456 --> 00:50:44,123 It's at that point, what do I do? 991 00:50:44,124 --> 00:50:46,417 I just buy the fedora and move to Miami, right? 992 00:50:46,418 --> 00:50:47,960 Make a golf cart my own mode of transportation. 993 00:50:47,961 --> 00:50:49,962 - I've never seen you like this. - I can't believe it... 994 00:50:49,963 --> 00:50:51,547 - You're spinning. You're spinning, and honestly... 995 00:50:51,548 --> 00:50:53,799 - get lucky and happy... - Honest you sound like a woman. 996 00:50:53,800 --> 00:50:56,135 - ...bachelor parties at people third marriages... 997 00:50:56,136 --> 00:50:58,804 Like that's- what is that? That's crazy. 998 00:50:58,805 --> 00:51:01,557 It's him. 999 00:51:01,558 --> 00:51:03,184 Him who? 1000 00:51:03,477 --> 00:51:05,436 He never calls. He always texts. 1001 00:51:05,437 --> 00:51:06,645 Okay, no! Don't answer that. 1002 00:51:06,646 --> 00:51:08,481 - Jake! Jake! - Don't answer it. No. 1003 00:51:08,482 --> 00:51:09,065 Give me the phone! 1004 00:51:09,066 --> 00:51:10,483 - No. Absolutely not. Lainey, what are you doing? 1005 00:51:10,484 --> 00:51:12,985 Hey, you don't do this anymore. Remember? We're okay. 1006 00:51:12,986 --> 00:51:16,280 I'm sorry, yeah. You got to breathe Lainey, please breathe. 1007 00:51:16,281 --> 00:51:16,989 Is there a problem? 1008 00:51:16,990 --> 00:51:19,158 Uh, yeah. My wife, she's prone to panic attacks. 1009 00:51:19,159 --> 00:51:22,411 It's this guy she's sleeping with. It's alright. 1010 00:51:22,412 --> 00:51:22,870 Okay... 1011 00:51:22,871 --> 00:51:25,498 Dude get the fuck out of here, I got it. 1012 00:51:25,499 --> 00:51:26,040 Alright, easy. 1013 00:51:26,041 --> 00:51:30,086 - I appreciate your concern, Superman! Fly away. 1014 00:51:30,087 --> 00:51:32,588 Baby. Just breathe will you. Okay? Will you? 1015 00:51:32,589 --> 00:51:35,508 Here, come on, sit down. You're gonna be okay. 1016 00:51:35,509 --> 00:51:37,843 It's alright, you just got to breathe. 1017 00:51:37,844 --> 00:51:39,428 Please. Okay? 1018 00:51:41,348 --> 00:51:42,848 Yeah. There you go. 1019 00:51:42,849 --> 00:51:45,559 Lainey, this is just fear. Alright? 1020 00:51:45,560 --> 00:51:48,813 A really, really large dose of fear. 1021 00:51:51,149 --> 00:51:52,525 That's all that's going on. 1022 00:51:52,526 --> 00:51:55,027 A little adrenaline - in a bad way. 1023 00:51:55,028 --> 00:51:56,987 Does that make sense? 1024 00:51:59,074 --> 00:52:00,783 Also... 1025 00:52:00,951 --> 00:52:02,618 Mousetrap. 1026 00:52:02,619 --> 00:52:05,579 Complete and total Mousetrap right now. 1027 00:52:05,580 --> 00:52:06,497 Oh my god. 1028 00:52:06,498 --> 00:52:08,541 Stop. You're so fucked up. 1029 00:52:08,542 --> 00:52:09,875 I'm fucked up? What are you talking about? 1030 00:52:09,876 --> 00:52:14,213 You went Kathy Bates in Misery in the middle of Central Park. 1031 00:52:14,214 --> 00:52:17,091 Come on . Maybe we're both fucked up. At least give me that. 1032 00:52:17,092 --> 00:52:20,219 Come on. You want to get out of here? Central Park sucks. 1033 00:52:20,220 --> 00:52:24,265 I mean it's a goddamn bird toilet anyway. 1034 00:52:25,600 --> 00:52:29,270 Almost done. Just one more. 1035 00:52:33,900 --> 00:52:35,776 This is the greatest movie ever made. 1036 00:52:35,777 --> 00:52:38,487 Yeah, of course you love it. Look at her. 1037 00:52:38,488 --> 00:52:39,488 God I love you... 1038 00:52:39,489 --> 00:52:42,283 That's you, baby. I love you! 1039 00:52:42,284 --> 00:52:44,994 I'm gonna murder you all. I love you! 1040 00:52:44,995 --> 00:52:47,788 That's the second time you said that. 1041 00:52:47,789 --> 00:52:48,956 Said what? 1042 00:52:48,957 --> 00:52:50,958 You called me baby just now. 1043 00:52:50,959 --> 00:52:53,961 And you said it the other day too. 1044 00:52:54,045 --> 00:52:55,713 - I'm sorry. - It's okay. 1045 00:52:55,714 --> 00:52:57,381 No, I mean it was a total accident. 1046 00:52:57,382 --> 00:53:00,301 I don't I don't know why I would... 1047 00:53:14,316 --> 00:53:16,942 Do you want talk about it? 1048 00:53:19,404 --> 00:53:21,363 Talk about what? 1049 00:53:22,157 --> 00:53:26,160 We're not a couple but we act like one. 1050 00:53:31,708 --> 00:53:33,209 Yeah... 1051 00:53:33,210 --> 00:53:34,919 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um... 1052 00:53:35,837 --> 00:53:40,382 I guess I've been putting this conversation off for awhile. 1053 00:53:40,383 --> 00:53:41,008 We don't have to-- 1054 00:53:41,009 --> 00:53:43,928 No. No. No. It's good. We should. 1055 00:53:47,140 --> 00:53:49,141 Okay, well... 1056 00:53:50,435 --> 00:53:55,856 You take this risk when you start sleeping with people. 1057 00:53:55,857 --> 00:53:59,109 You know, you risk losing them. 1058 00:53:59,110 --> 00:54:02,821 So for me, I've never slept with someone I 1059 00:54:02,822 --> 00:54:05,115 wasn't willing to lose. 1060 00:54:07,285 --> 00:54:09,495 Except one time. 1061 00:54:10,914 --> 00:54:12,623 And... 1062 00:54:13,416 --> 00:54:17,711 And it kills me that you're probably gonna go to Michigan. 1063 00:54:17,712 --> 00:54:19,922 And it kills me that I can't ask you to stay, 1064 00:54:19,923 --> 00:54:23,259 because I have no right to, you know. And... 1065 00:54:24,052 --> 00:54:28,013 So I just want to spend as much time with my best friend 1066 00:54:28,014 --> 00:54:30,182 as I possibly can. 1067 00:54:31,226 --> 00:54:33,727 Before I lose her again. 1068 00:54:36,690 --> 00:54:39,066 I'm sorry. I'm being selfish. I know it's like-- 1069 00:54:39,067 --> 00:54:42,152 No. You're telling the truth. 1070 00:54:43,405 --> 00:54:45,489 Yeah... 1071 00:54:55,750 --> 00:54:57,751 So what now? 1072 00:55:17,355 --> 00:55:19,231 Hey, I got an idea. 1073 00:55:19,232 --> 00:55:21,859 - Hm-mm? - Will you... 1074 00:55:24,612 --> 00:55:28,824 take Molly with me and go to a kid's birthday party? 1075 00:55:28,825 --> 00:55:31,744 I literally thought you'd never ask. 1076 00:55:31,745 --> 00:55:33,412 - You thought I'd never get to this? 1077 00:55:33,413 --> 00:55:35,956 - I thought you would never get to this. 1078 00:55:35,957 --> 00:55:39,460 Where have you been all my life? 1079 00:55:39,961 --> 00:55:42,296 Right over your shoulder. 1080 00:55:42,881 --> 00:55:44,173 Waiting. 1081 00:55:44,174 --> 00:55:46,300 For the right moment. 1082 00:55:46,634 --> 00:55:48,635 Is that a yes or a no? 1083 00:55:50,930 --> 00:55:53,432 Happy birthday! 1084 00:55:53,433 --> 00:55:55,726 Look who it is. Look at this little human here. 1085 00:55:55,727 --> 00:55:59,063 Hello. Happy birthday. It's you're birthday! 1086 00:55:59,064 --> 00:56:02,191 Actually it's-- it's Henry's. He's seven. 1087 00:56:02,192 --> 00:56:05,152 She's not seven - but so happy you guys are here. 1088 00:56:05,153 --> 00:56:08,906 Oh my god - are you guys high? 1089 00:56:08,907 --> 00:56:09,865 We're actually rolling. 1090 00:56:09,866 --> 00:56:13,494 XTC? You know, that's how Henry was actually conceived. 1091 00:56:13,495 --> 00:56:14,536 - No kidding. - Yeah... 1092 00:56:14,537 --> 00:56:16,330 - Well that explains a lot. - Full circle... 1093 00:56:16,331 --> 00:56:17,831 Yeah. Don't have a baby, guys. 1094 00:56:17,832 --> 00:56:21,668 No offense, but seriously, just be safe. 1095 00:56:21,669 --> 00:56:22,628 You know what I mean. 1096 00:56:22,629 --> 00:56:24,296 But I'm sorry happy you guys are here. 1097 00:56:24,297 --> 00:56:25,589 It's so good to see you. 1098 00:56:25,590 --> 00:56:27,341 - Transformers guy didn't show up. 1099 00:56:27,342 --> 00:56:28,342 You kidding? 1100 00:56:28,343 --> 00:56:31,136 No, no, no. Oh my god - just kidding. No. Okay... 1101 00:56:31,137 --> 00:56:31,887 It feels soft and smooth. 1102 00:56:31,888 --> 00:56:33,305 No, and so there's a little bit of a meltdown. 1103 00:56:33,306 --> 00:56:35,516 It's a little bit of a crisis so I'm glad you're here. 1104 00:56:35,517 --> 00:56:36,433 Oh, is this for Henry? - Yeah. 1105 00:56:36,434 --> 00:56:39,061 Oh great. He loves New York ladies' flip flops. 1106 00:56:39,062 --> 00:56:41,355 Oh, no, no, no. those are mine. Those are for me. Those are me, 1107 00:56:41,356 --> 00:56:43,565 that shouldn't be in there. It's just a shitload of candy. 1108 00:56:43,566 --> 00:56:45,526 Great. Okay. That'll be nice. 1109 00:56:45,527 --> 00:56:47,694 Are those hot pads also for Henry? 1110 00:56:47,695 --> 00:56:49,947 Yeah. Can I just hold them now? 1111 00:56:49,948 --> 00:56:52,199 Okay, sure. Come in. 1112 00:56:52,200 --> 00:56:55,160 Okay, hopefully she goes down for her nap. 1113 00:56:55,161 --> 00:56:57,663 Okay - oh my god... 1114 00:56:58,206 --> 00:57:02,251 Okay, that kid has a hose. That kid has a hose. 1115 00:57:02,252 --> 00:57:03,252 You guys made it, huh? 1116 00:57:03,253 --> 00:57:07,506 Welcome to the hell scape that is my son's birthday party. 1117 00:57:07,507 --> 00:57:08,424 It's birth control. 1118 00:57:08,425 --> 00:57:11,510 Okay, when I say hello, you say hi! 1119 00:57:11,511 --> 00:57:12,761 - Hello! - Hi! 1120 00:57:12,762 --> 00:57:13,637 - Hello! - Hi! 1121 00:57:13,638 --> 00:57:18,142 I'm Miss Dalton! So you say 'Hi - Hi, Miss Dalton! 1122 00:57:18,143 --> 00:57:19,101 Hi, Miss Dalton! 1123 00:57:19,102 --> 00:57:21,186 Great! Okay, who wants to learn a dance! 1124 00:57:21,187 --> 00:57:21,854 Me! 1125 00:57:21,855 --> 00:57:23,605 Okay, everybody go out to the grass. 1126 00:57:23,606 --> 00:57:27,276 I will meet you there. I will be right there. 1127 00:57:27,360 --> 00:57:30,404 Naomi, put on track seven on my workout mix. 1128 00:57:30,405 --> 00:57:33,282 - Wait, Lainey... you don't have to do this. 1129 00:57:33,283 --> 00:57:34,825 It's not your responsibility. 1130 00:57:34,826 --> 00:57:38,120 Okay, relax. I do this for a living. Also, 1131 00:57:38,121 --> 00:57:43,167 two minutes ago, I accepted my body for the first time. 1132 00:57:43,501 --> 00:57:44,418 That a girl! 1133 00:57:44,419 --> 00:57:46,253 She dances for a living? 1134 00:57:46,254 --> 00:57:48,964 - No, deals with kids. - She told me to relax, 1135 00:57:48,965 --> 00:57:52,509 and the word lasted for like four seconds. 1136 00:57:52,969 --> 00:57:54,845 Okay, okay, okay. Great, alright. 1137 00:57:54,846 --> 00:57:56,305 Are you guys ready to learn a dance? 1138 00:57:56,306 --> 00:57:58,849 - Yes! - Yes! Okay, this is good. 1139 00:57:58,850 --> 00:58:01,560 Because everyone likes a person who can dance. 1140 00:58:01,561 --> 00:58:06,482 And this dance you can do anywhere - all you need is your- 1141 00:58:06,483 --> 00:58:10,736 - Body! - Yes! And just a little- 1142 00:58:10,737 --> 00:58:12,279 - Music! - Yes! 1143 00:58:12,280 --> 00:58:14,615 Okay, are you guys ready to learn the moves? 1144 00:58:14,616 --> 00:58:15,824 Yes! 1145 00:58:15,825 --> 00:58:18,452 Okay. Let's do this! 1146 00:58:29,088 --> 00:58:31,006 On my count... 1147 00:58:31,174 --> 00:58:32,549 here we go! 1148 00:58:32,550 --> 00:58:35,802 Five, six, seven, eight... 1149 00:58:51,194 --> 00:58:53,320 Ugh, I miss drugs... 1150 00:58:53,321 --> 00:58:54,071 Why don't we do drugs? 1151 00:58:54,072 --> 00:58:58,575 Because he have to control these lives that we gave birth to. 1152 00:58:58,576 --> 00:59:00,494 - First of all, I gave birth to them. 1153 00:59:00,495 --> 00:59:03,622 - Whatever. - We gave birth to? 1154 00:59:19,973 --> 00:59:21,932 I have not felt that free... 1155 00:59:21,933 --> 00:59:24,810 maybe my whole life. 1156 00:59:24,811 --> 00:59:26,019 What? 1157 00:59:27,814 --> 00:59:30,691 - I want that-- What are you doing? 1158 00:59:30,692 --> 00:59:33,443 Okay, he's going to put a stop to it. 1159 00:59:33,444 --> 00:59:36,530 Alright, now we're going to freestyle. 1160 00:59:36,531 --> 00:59:37,698 Who knows who to freestyle? 1161 00:59:37,699 --> 00:59:39,908 - Me! - Alright, grab your folks. 1162 00:59:39,909 --> 00:59:41,118 Who's the choreographer? 1163 00:59:41,119 --> 00:59:42,536 Oh, that's Jake's friend Lainey. 1164 00:59:42,537 --> 00:59:45,622 Jake's friend Lainey - who he really wants to fuck. 1165 00:59:45,623 --> 00:59:48,333 Yeah, really wants to get deep up in there. 1166 00:59:48,334 --> 00:59:50,836 - Like gross. - So she's single... 1167 00:59:50,837 --> 00:59:52,796 Oh, one hundred percent. 1168 01:00:12,775 --> 01:00:15,360 This was an awful idea. 1169 01:00:16,446 --> 01:00:17,321 Oh wow, that's weird. 1170 01:00:17,322 --> 01:00:19,948 I can hear my mom's voice when I'm underwater. 1171 01:00:19,949 --> 01:00:22,117 Oh, this is good stuff. 1172 01:00:22,118 --> 01:00:23,493 Excuse me. 1173 01:00:23,494 --> 01:00:25,454 I'm Chris. This is Paul. 1174 01:00:25,455 --> 01:00:26,788 Lainey. Jake. 1175 01:00:26,789 --> 01:00:29,916 - Ah, hi you two. Are you guys married? 1176 01:00:29,917 --> 01:00:32,919 This is my son, and he really liked dancing with you. 1177 01:00:32,920 --> 01:00:33,462 Didn't you, buddy? 1178 01:00:33,463 --> 01:00:36,340 - Dude... are you really using your kid to hit on my friend? 1179 01:00:36,341 --> 01:00:38,425 Shut up. Ignore him. He's on drugs. 1180 01:00:38,426 --> 01:00:40,218 Hi Paul. Nice to meet you. 1181 01:00:40,219 --> 01:00:42,888 - We're heading out. But here's my info. 1182 01:00:42,889 --> 01:00:45,432 In case you feel like you might need it. 1183 01:00:45,433 --> 01:00:47,309 Come on, buddy. You can drive. 1184 01:00:47,310 --> 01:00:50,103 - Oh boy... in case you might need it? 1185 01:00:50,104 --> 01:00:52,314 Why would you need his info. 1186 01:00:52,315 --> 01:00:54,191 You're jealous. 1187 01:00:54,192 --> 01:00:56,818 I'm going to assume it is because you're coming down 1188 01:00:56,819 --> 01:00:57,903 off a powerful drug. 1189 01:00:57,904 --> 01:00:59,821 First part false. Second part true. 1190 01:00:59,822 --> 01:01:00,405 Chris Smith. 1191 01:01:00,406 --> 01:01:04,284 Hold on - what? His name's Chris Smith? 1192 01:01:04,869 --> 01:01:06,286 It is? 1193 01:01:06,287 --> 01:01:09,206 As in Chris Smith tree? 1194 01:01:09,207 --> 01:01:11,083 As in Chris Smith carol? 1195 01:01:11,084 --> 01:01:12,584 - No. - Holy smokes! 1196 01:01:12,585 --> 01:01:15,170 I always thought he'd be heavier with a beard. 1197 01:01:15,171 --> 01:01:17,255 - Leave him alone. - I love it. It's great. 1198 01:01:17,256 --> 01:01:19,007 Okay, I'm going to try it again, alright. 1199 01:01:19,008 --> 01:01:22,969 Just see if any of the water goes down, alright. 1200 01:01:27,475 --> 01:01:30,602 I love those Rush Hour movies. Oh my gosh. Anything that 1201 01:01:30,603 --> 01:01:34,690 African American says, anything and I'm laughing, you know. 1202 01:01:34,691 --> 01:01:36,566 Hm-mm. Yeah. 1203 01:01:36,567 --> 01:01:38,902 - Shit, that was dumb. - No, Chris. 1204 01:01:38,903 --> 01:01:42,364 It's fine. They're great. They're such good movies. 1205 01:01:42,365 --> 01:01:44,366 I was married for eight years. 1206 01:01:44,367 --> 01:01:48,954 And I just I haven't done this in a while. 1207 01:01:50,039 --> 01:01:51,748 Me neither. 1208 01:01:53,042 --> 01:01:55,085 Are you okay? 1209 01:02:07,974 --> 01:02:10,392 Be rude to it. 1210 01:02:24,574 --> 01:02:27,617 That was ridiculous. 1211 01:02:28,870 --> 01:02:31,747 The Dirty DJ was our thing! Okay? 1212 01:02:31,748 --> 01:02:33,498 - Jake! - That was our thing. 1213 01:02:33,499 --> 01:02:36,334 - Okay, let me be super clear here. 1214 01:02:36,335 --> 01:02:37,002 Please. 1215 01:02:37,003 --> 01:02:39,463 - We don't have things that are sexual. 1216 01:02:39,464 --> 01:02:43,967 We don't sleep with each other so we don't have things. 1217 01:02:43,968 --> 01:02:47,095 Okay, but you know what I mean, alright. 1218 01:02:47,096 --> 01:02:49,806 I taught you that as a gift to you. 1219 01:02:49,807 --> 01:02:52,434 That was not a Chris Smith gift. 1220 01:02:52,435 --> 01:02:53,810 So. I don't get mad when you bring other 1221 01:02:53,811 --> 01:02:55,854 chicks to our restaurant. - Our restaurant? 1222 01:02:55,855 --> 01:02:58,815 - Yeah. Oh, thank you. Our restaurant? 1223 01:02:58,816 --> 01:03:01,818 I didn't know we put a down payment on this place? 1224 01:03:01,819 --> 01:03:02,235 Come on. 1225 01:03:02,236 --> 01:03:05,322 - I love that you get ownership over a randomly selected 1226 01:03:05,323 --> 01:03:07,949 dumpling spot but me, I can't share with you the 1227 01:03:07,950 --> 01:03:10,827 slightest disappointment over you co-opting 1228 01:03:10,828 --> 01:03:11,578 an original idea of mine. 1229 01:03:11,579 --> 01:03:16,333 - First of all, you are not the Mark Zuckerberg of vaginas. 1230 01:03:16,334 --> 01:03:17,083 I don't know who that is. 1231 01:03:17,084 --> 01:03:21,338 - And secondly, do not gaslight me with SAT words and sliding 1232 01:03:21,339 --> 01:03:23,215 scale morality. I'm not one of your dates. 1233 01:03:23,216 --> 01:03:25,550 - That is very true. You are not one of my dates. 1234 01:03:25,551 --> 01:03:26,718 Some water for you and the lady? 1235 01:03:26,719 --> 01:03:28,637 - No, the lady doesn't need it. She doesn't deserve that. 1236 01:03:28,638 --> 01:03:30,847 - I would like that, please. I actually would like the water. 1237 01:03:30,848 --> 01:03:33,850 - Sir, I can't stress enough- if we give her water I don't 1238 01:03:33,851 --> 01:03:35,060 know what happens. - Give me this water. 1239 01:03:35,061 --> 01:03:37,395 - See? She's addicted. She's addicted. This is an addict. 1240 01:03:37,396 --> 01:03:40,023 I have seen it a hundred times with her. 1241 01:03:40,024 --> 01:03:41,817 You gotta trust me. 1242 01:03:41,818 --> 01:03:43,527 You have lost your mind. 1243 01:03:43,528 --> 01:03:46,446 And you have lost your water. 1244 01:03:46,447 --> 01:03:47,364 So... 1245 01:03:47,365 --> 01:03:50,200 I guess we're tied. 1246 01:03:50,201 --> 01:03:52,661 I want to be able to talk you about this kind of thing. 1247 01:03:52,662 --> 01:03:54,830 I sense that. That's obvious. I just don't know why. 1248 01:03:54,831 --> 01:03:57,999 You talk to me about chicks you screw all the time. 1249 01:03:58,000 --> 01:04:00,001 That's different. 1250 01:04:00,711 --> 01:04:02,504 - Why? - Because I'm going inside them. 1251 01:04:02,505 --> 01:04:05,882 You're talking about someone inside you, that's just - Duh. 1252 01:04:05,883 --> 01:04:08,218 - Stop. - Grody. 1253 01:04:09,178 --> 01:04:11,221 This is the Bieder contract that has to go 1254 01:04:11,222 --> 01:04:12,973 to legal for comments. 1255 01:04:12,974 --> 01:04:16,017 Knock knock. Hey, you got a minute? 1256 01:04:16,227 --> 01:04:19,020 Ehm... I mean... a real minute? 1257 01:04:19,021 --> 01:04:21,106 A New York minute, I dunno, yeah a real minute. 1258 01:04:21,107 --> 01:04:22,732 Sixty seconds. Sure. 1259 01:04:22,733 --> 01:04:24,401 Okay. Ehm... 1260 01:04:24,402 --> 01:04:25,902 What was the other thing - oh yeah, 1261 01:04:25,903 --> 01:04:27,612 buzz me for the three o' clock. And that's it. 1262 01:04:27,613 --> 01:04:30,407 - Okay. - Yeah, don't fuck that up. 1263 01:04:31,242 --> 01:04:32,742 You got to let them have it. 1264 01:04:32,743 --> 01:04:34,828 Hey, will you sign this for me please? 1265 01:04:34,829 --> 01:04:36,413 Well I have to know what it is first. 1266 01:04:36,414 --> 01:04:38,206 Oh. It's a nullification of my contract. 1267 01:04:38,207 --> 01:04:43,461 It says I resign and forfeit any vesting stock options to Xander. 1268 01:04:43,462 --> 01:04:45,881 And why would you do that? 1269 01:04:46,299 --> 01:04:49,593 Right, no. because I want to go on a date with you. 1270 01:04:49,594 --> 01:04:50,093 Silly. 1271 01:04:50,094 --> 01:04:52,429 If you can just sign the back here - three places. 1272 01:04:52,430 --> 01:04:54,014 You can use my pen if you like. 1273 01:04:54,015 --> 01:04:57,183 And you can see I've executed my half, so... 1274 01:04:57,184 --> 01:04:59,436 You stand to make over five million dollars in 1275 01:04:59,437 --> 01:05:00,604 the next two years. 1276 01:05:00,605 --> 01:05:03,565 No shit? Wow... That's great. 1277 01:05:03,566 --> 01:05:05,942 But I mean I never really factor money into making my 1278 01:05:05,943 --> 01:05:08,904 decision making. But it doesn't change what I'm doing. 1279 01:05:08,905 --> 01:05:11,781 I appreciate the hardball, but obviously I can't take a 1280 01:05:11,782 --> 01:05:12,741 request like this seriously. 1281 01:05:12,742 --> 01:05:17,245 But he seriousness of my request is reflected in the hardball. 1282 01:05:17,246 --> 01:05:21,207 So I don't-I don't know what to do here. 1283 01:05:23,502 --> 01:05:25,795 Okay. I'll go on one date with you if you 1284 01:05:25,796 --> 01:05:27,255 answer a question truthfully. 1285 01:05:27,256 --> 01:05:29,007 Get the spanks. I love it. Yeah. 1286 01:05:29,008 --> 01:05:32,427 I answer all questions truthfully, but fire away. 1287 01:05:32,428 --> 01:05:36,848 What on earth makes you think I'm worth five million dollars? 1288 01:05:36,849 --> 01:05:40,060 What makes you think you're not? 1289 01:05:44,315 --> 01:05:46,399 Get out of here. Get back to work. 1290 01:05:46,400 --> 01:05:47,484 - I'm on break. - So take this... 1291 01:05:47,485 --> 01:05:50,612 - I'm on break. - ...and get out of my office. 1292 01:05:50,613 --> 01:05:52,072 Okay. 1293 01:05:52,156 --> 01:05:54,699 Alright. To be continued. 1294 01:05:56,035 --> 01:05:58,286 TTFN. 1295 01:05:58,287 --> 01:06:00,747 You know... I mean... 1296 01:06:00,748 --> 01:06:02,374 Ta ta for now. 1297 01:06:02,375 --> 01:06:05,168 My ex has my son this weekend. 1298 01:06:05,169 --> 01:06:07,545 And I know a place with cheap tequila. 1299 01:06:07,546 --> 01:06:10,173 We should go there. That sounds great. 1300 01:06:10,174 --> 01:06:11,675 Can you keep your mouth shut? 1301 01:06:11,676 --> 01:06:13,802 Yeah - I mean, not once we get there. 1302 01:06:13,803 --> 01:06:17,555 Tequila makes me so chatty. In a good way I think. 1303 01:06:17,556 --> 01:06:20,183 - You mean out here? - Yes, just mouth shut, please. 1304 01:06:20,184 --> 01:06:23,520 - Not going to say a peep. - Get out of here! 1305 01:06:25,481 --> 01:06:27,649 Back to work, you! 1306 01:06:28,859 --> 01:06:30,610 Yes! 1307 01:06:32,196 --> 01:06:34,030 There you are. 1308 01:06:34,031 --> 01:06:35,532 Hey, thanks for coming Lainey. 1309 01:06:35,533 --> 01:06:38,368 Partners always have to do these bullshit events. 1310 01:06:38,369 --> 01:06:40,495 I hope your heels are comfortable, because you're 1311 01:06:40,496 --> 01:06:43,915 going to be standing and talking to boring people all night. 1312 01:06:43,916 --> 01:06:47,210 I'm having a great time. Thank you for inviting me. 1313 01:06:47,211 --> 01:06:50,588 And these shoes are so comfortable. 1314 01:06:52,174 --> 01:06:53,675 Elaine? 1315 01:06:53,676 --> 01:06:56,386 - Hi, Matthew. - Good to see you. 1316 01:06:56,387 --> 01:06:58,638 - This is Chris. - Nice to meet you. 1317 01:06:58,639 --> 01:06:59,347 Nice to meet you, Matthew. 1318 01:06:59,348 --> 01:07:03,184 - Matthew and I were at Columbia around the same time. 1319 01:07:03,686 --> 01:07:05,687 Your name is Elaine? 1320 01:07:05,688 --> 01:07:07,230 Lainey is a nickname. 1321 01:07:07,231 --> 01:07:08,189 I didn't know that. 1322 01:07:08,190 --> 01:07:11,026 - Oh. Elaine. You've never met my wife. Have you? 1323 01:07:11,027 --> 01:07:13,903 - I haven't. - Let me introduce you. Emma? 1324 01:07:13,904 --> 01:07:15,572 Come here. 1325 01:07:16,574 --> 01:07:19,576 This is Elaine. - It's so nice to meet you, Emma. 1326 01:07:19,577 --> 01:07:21,411 This is Chris. - Hi. 1327 01:07:21,412 --> 01:07:23,580 - When are you due? - October. 1328 01:07:23,581 --> 01:07:28,209 - Congratulations. Your first? - Yes. It's a boy. 1329 01:07:28,419 --> 01:07:29,878 We're so excited. 1330 01:07:29,879 --> 01:07:32,839 Matthew will be delivering him. 1331 01:07:32,840 --> 01:07:35,592 - Oh. OBGYN? - Yes. You? 1332 01:07:35,593 --> 01:07:37,761 - Partner over at Garrison and Shingle. 1333 01:07:37,762 --> 01:07:39,054 - A man of the law. - Yeah. 1334 01:07:39,055 --> 01:07:41,639 - I worked with you guys when I was a mediator on 1335 01:07:41,640 --> 01:07:42,682 Thorpe V Bronwin. - Sure. 1336 01:07:42,683 --> 01:07:46,019 Elaine, what is it that you do? - I teach kindergarten. 1337 01:07:46,020 --> 01:07:47,270 - That's right. I think I knew that. 1338 01:07:47,271 --> 01:07:51,733 Would you excuse me? I'm just going to run to the ladies room. 1339 01:07:57,281 --> 01:07:58,573 Okay, can I cut to the chase? 1340 01:07:58,574 --> 01:08:01,034 - I would love that. I love cutting to chases. Do it. 1341 01:08:01,035 --> 01:08:05,538 - Okay, so you're a womanizer. - Hey... How did you know that? 1342 01:08:05,539 --> 01:08:06,998 Everybody knows that. 1343 01:08:06,999 --> 01:08:09,292 The interns call you Jump Back Jake. 1344 01:08:09,293 --> 01:08:09,876 I have a nickname? 1345 01:08:09,877 --> 01:08:11,419 A nickname. That's how bad it is. 1346 01:08:11,420 --> 01:08:14,339 - It's not bad. - Or that's how good it is! 1347 01:08:14,340 --> 01:08:17,008 Right. See, that's what I'm saying. I mean, I assumed they 1348 01:08:17,009 --> 01:08:18,927 would speak about me but I thought I would be more along 1349 01:08:18,928 --> 01:08:21,096 the lines of something like... - Stellar Yelp reviews? 1350 01:08:21,097 --> 01:08:23,932 - Yeah. Stellar Yelp reviews. - So can I ask... 1351 01:08:23,933 --> 01:08:26,392 Yeah, how do I stop you? 1352 01:08:27,728 --> 01:08:29,229 Were you a fat teenager? 1353 01:08:29,230 --> 01:08:33,358 Did you-no seriously, did you not get along with your mother? 1354 01:08:33,359 --> 01:08:34,901 Do you just not like women? 1355 01:08:34,902 --> 01:08:37,904 Do you feel suffocated by them as soon as you-- 1356 01:08:37,905 --> 01:08:41,324 No, it's none of those things. God, those are all bad. 1357 01:08:41,325 --> 01:08:43,827 No, I think it was... 1358 01:08:45,621 --> 01:08:50,375 I think it was because I was a late bloomer. 1359 01:08:50,376 --> 01:08:52,961 Really? Me too. 1360 01:08:54,380 --> 01:08:56,131 That's amazing. No shit. 1361 01:08:56,132 --> 01:08:57,715 I mean, it's different for women. 1362 01:08:57,716 --> 01:09:00,510 I waited until my wedding night. 1363 01:09:01,554 --> 01:09:03,930 Did you grow up in America? 1364 01:09:03,931 --> 01:09:06,724 Holy shit. I don't think I've ever... 1365 01:09:06,725 --> 01:09:09,018 No, I've never met anybody that actually 1366 01:09:09,019 --> 01:09:10,728 waited until their wedding day. 1367 01:09:10,729 --> 01:09:12,939 That's like Bobby Fischer kind of scarcity. 1368 01:09:12,940 --> 01:09:15,942 Okay, well I grew up very, very religiously. 1369 01:09:15,943 --> 01:09:17,819 What is your excuse? 1370 01:09:17,820 --> 01:09:20,071 Yeah, well my excuse. I think it's... 1371 01:09:20,072 --> 01:09:24,742 I thought it was something that should be special. 1372 01:09:25,578 --> 01:09:30,331 I think I literally sprouted a vagina when I said that. 1373 01:09:30,332 --> 01:09:31,666 Check, please... 1374 01:09:31,667 --> 01:09:33,585 There's a Georgia O'Keeffe painting in my pants 1375 01:09:33,586 --> 01:09:35,837 as we speak. - There are worse things. 1376 01:09:35,838 --> 01:09:38,548 That's true. Pollock... 1377 01:09:38,549 --> 01:09:39,507 Woof. 1378 01:09:41,886 --> 01:09:43,887 Yeah, but that's why I... yeah. 1379 01:09:43,888 --> 01:09:46,181 I mean, I had a bunch of friends who had done it and it just, 1380 01:09:46,182 --> 01:09:49,976 I don't know, at some point I realized it wasn't going to be 1381 01:09:49,977 --> 01:09:52,312 special and I just wanted to get it over with, 1382 01:09:52,313 --> 01:09:56,107 and it hasn't been special ever since. 1383 01:09:56,108 --> 01:09:58,484 So who was the girl? 1384 01:09:59,278 --> 01:10:00,528 Do you remember? 1385 01:10:02,198 --> 01:10:03,573 - Do you need to get that? - Nope. 1386 01:10:03,574 --> 01:10:05,533 - Please. - No. No. It's just a friend. 1387 01:10:05,534 --> 01:10:07,202 Well you can still get the phone. 1388 01:10:07,203 --> 01:10:09,621 I don't want to get the phone. It's just a friend. 1389 01:10:09,622 --> 01:10:10,747 It's no big deal. 1390 01:10:11,457 --> 01:10:15,710 - You call has been forwarded to an automatic voice-- 1391 01:10:30,226 --> 01:10:33,061 Are you one of Matthew's patients? 1392 01:10:33,229 --> 01:10:34,854 No. I went to Columbia. 1393 01:10:34,855 --> 01:10:38,358 I'm surprised Matthew hasn't mentioned you. 1394 01:10:38,359 --> 01:10:41,945 Well I haven't seen him in a long time. 1395 01:10:41,946 --> 01:10:45,949 It shouldn't bother me but I don't like meeting his patients. 1396 01:10:45,950 --> 01:10:49,494 It's so weird meeting someone when your husband has seen 1397 01:10:49,495 --> 01:10:52,288 her... you know. 1398 01:10:52,539 --> 01:10:53,915 Of course. 1399 01:10:53,916 --> 01:10:56,584 Yeah, I'd feel the same way. 1400 01:11:00,381 --> 01:11:02,340 Lainey, everything okay? 1401 01:11:02,341 --> 01:11:05,969 Oh I got to go. Chris, I'm so sorry I'm leaving. I'm sick. 1402 01:11:05,970 --> 01:11:07,845 Oh no, well let me drive you home. 1403 01:11:07,846 --> 01:11:10,890 - No. Please... - Is everything alright? 1404 01:11:11,058 --> 01:11:12,517 I'm just not feeling well. 1405 01:11:12,518 --> 01:11:14,978 Oh. You should take our driver. 1406 01:11:14,979 --> 01:11:17,647 Emma and I are going to stick around for another hour or so. 1407 01:11:17,648 --> 01:11:21,526 But he can drop you off and be back in twenty minutes. Easy. 1408 01:11:21,527 --> 01:11:22,527 You don't know where I live. 1409 01:11:22,528 --> 01:11:24,153 That's so nice. Are you sure? 1410 01:11:24,154 --> 01:11:27,282 Yes. She'll never get a cab out at this hour. It's no trouble. 1411 01:11:27,283 --> 01:11:30,493 I'm really supposed to mingle a bit, but if you want me to come- 1412 01:11:30,494 --> 01:11:33,204 It's fine. I'll call you tomorrow. 1413 01:11:33,205 --> 01:11:35,331 Oh yeah, yeah. You're sick. Feel better. 1414 01:11:35,332 --> 01:11:38,710 Bye, Chris. Thank you so much for tonight. 1415 01:11:38,711 --> 01:11:41,379 It's no trouble. Thank you. 1416 01:11:43,340 --> 01:11:45,466 So it's the black Town Car. It's across the street-- 1417 01:11:45,467 --> 01:11:47,677 I know what your car looks like. I don't need it. 1418 01:11:47,678 --> 01:11:49,429 - I like your date. He seems nice. 1419 01:11:49,430 --> 01:11:49,971 Fuck you, Matt. 1420 01:11:49,972 --> 01:11:51,764 Why haven't you returned any of my calls? 1421 01:11:51,765 --> 01:11:53,641 - I blocked your number. - Why? 1422 01:11:53,642 --> 01:11:56,269 Because I'm not an asshole. 1423 01:11:56,270 --> 01:11:58,438 Okay. 1424 01:12:09,366 --> 01:12:12,160 - No, no. - What? What? 1425 01:12:12,161 --> 01:12:14,162 You're so greedy. 1426 01:12:15,706 --> 01:12:16,956 Nuh-uh. 1427 01:12:16,957 --> 01:12:18,708 - What? What do you want me to do? 1428 01:12:18,709 --> 01:12:20,877 I want you to do nothing. 1429 01:12:22,379 --> 01:12:27,759 I want you to do exactly what you don't normally do. 1430 01:12:28,469 --> 01:12:30,053 Okay? 1431 01:12:30,054 --> 01:12:31,763 Okay. 1432 01:12:49,198 --> 01:12:51,115 ...Fuck. 1433 01:13:37,663 --> 01:13:39,831 - Can you cum? - But you haven't. 1434 01:13:39,832 --> 01:13:43,334 - Cum inside me. I want you to cum now. 1435 01:13:44,002 --> 01:13:46,462 - Cum! - Okay. 1436 01:13:47,923 --> 01:13:49,882 ...Oh fuck! 1437 01:13:49,883 --> 01:13:51,759 Oh Lainey... 1438 01:13:54,054 --> 01:13:55,388 Oh Lainey... 1439 01:14:10,112 --> 01:14:11,654 Oh shit... 1440 01:14:19,371 --> 01:14:21,831 Who's Lainey? 1441 01:14:25,252 --> 01:14:26,878 Um... 1442 01:14:27,463 --> 01:14:29,547 It's a long story. 1443 01:14:33,427 --> 01:14:36,220 You want to tell me about it? 1444 01:14:40,642 --> 01:14:42,268 Yes... 1445 01:15:04,208 --> 01:15:06,876 I just tried calling you. 1446 01:15:07,461 --> 01:15:09,795 My phone died. 1447 01:15:10,923 --> 01:15:14,634 So. How was your day? 1448 01:15:15,344 --> 01:15:17,094 Swell. 1449 01:15:18,055 --> 01:15:20,556 Want to come up? 1450 01:16:43,765 --> 01:16:45,558 It's over. 1451 01:16:45,559 --> 01:16:47,977 He didn't choose me. 1452 01:16:47,978 --> 01:16:51,564 You never told him to make a choice, you know. 1453 01:16:56,695 --> 01:16:59,196 How was Paula? 1454 01:17:03,368 --> 01:17:05,745 That was a mess. 1455 01:17:07,998 --> 01:17:10,625 She nice to you? 1456 01:17:12,753 --> 01:17:14,545 Yes. 1457 01:17:15,714 --> 01:17:17,590 Good. 1458 01:17:35,692 --> 01:17:37,401 What's up? 1459 01:17:38,904 --> 01:17:42,114 Are we in love with each other? 1460 01:17:54,378 --> 01:17:57,755 What are we gonna do about it? 1461 01:18:05,806 --> 01:18:08,641 What do you want to do? 1462 01:18:11,687 --> 01:18:13,646 Nothing. 1463 01:18:16,692 --> 01:18:19,360 There's nothing to do. 1464 01:18:25,575 --> 01:18:28,494 I love you for free, Lainey. 1465 01:18:31,581 --> 01:18:34,667 I love you for free, Jake. 1466 01:19:26,303 --> 01:19:30,931 I guess I can't talk you into a road trip to Ann Arbor? 1467 01:19:30,932 --> 01:19:33,142 Tempting. Tempting, but no. 1468 01:19:33,143 --> 01:19:37,146 Paula and I are taking Oliver upstate tomorrow. 1469 01:19:37,147 --> 01:19:38,981 Do you want me to grab the rest of the boxes? 1470 01:19:38,982 --> 01:19:41,609 Kara and George are shipping it to me on Monday. 1471 01:19:41,610 --> 01:19:43,861 - Cool. Alright. - I'm good. 1472 01:19:43,862 --> 01:19:46,363 You got it all figured out. 1473 01:19:46,364 --> 01:19:50,659 Alright, well last chance to ditch med school and run away 1474 01:19:50,660 --> 01:19:53,120 with me. Come on, what do you say? Let's go. 1475 01:19:53,121 --> 01:19:55,956 You just sneak in here, I'll drive. Bounce around. 1476 01:19:55,957 --> 01:19:59,001 - You know. Unfortunately I don't sleep with men 1477 01:19:59,002 --> 01:20:02,630 in relationships anymore. This new crazy thing. 1478 01:20:02,631 --> 01:20:05,007 - Gotcha. No that's okay. That's okay. 1479 01:20:05,008 --> 01:20:08,135 I stopped cheating anyway. Bad timing. 1480 01:20:08,136 --> 01:20:10,179 What happened to us? 1481 01:20:10,180 --> 01:20:12,848 We're getting a chance to start over. 1482 01:20:12,849 --> 01:20:13,933 That's true. 1483 01:20:13,934 --> 01:20:16,310 Just in time if you ask me. 1484 01:20:16,311 --> 01:20:20,606 Oh yes. Yeah. Before things got really bad. And weird. 1485 01:20:24,486 --> 01:20:26,153 Alright, well. 1486 01:20:26,154 --> 01:20:28,197 Goodbye forever. 1487 01:20:28,198 --> 01:20:31,659 Goodbye forever. Again. 1488 01:20:32,869 --> 01:20:35,371 Up top. There you go. 1489 01:20:41,753 --> 01:20:44,004 Thank you, Jake. 1490 01:20:45,632 --> 01:20:47,591 For what? 1491 01:20:48,718 --> 01:20:52,388 For teaching me how to love someone. 1492 01:20:55,684 --> 01:20:57,768 Anytime. 1493 01:21:01,189 --> 01:21:03,858 I'll get this for you - you've got to close this. 1494 01:21:03,859 --> 01:21:05,150 Yep. 1495 01:21:06,194 --> 01:21:08,696 It would be kinda cool though if you could just hang onto the 1496 01:21:08,697 --> 01:21:11,782 back. Eddie Murphy at the beginning of Beverly Hills Cop? 1497 01:21:11,783 --> 01:21:15,327 Remember that? Cigarette truck - never mind. 1498 01:21:15,453 --> 01:21:17,705 Alright. Drive safe. 1499 01:21:18,582 --> 01:21:21,000 - Go. - Bye. 1500 01:21:22,627 --> 01:21:25,421 Go be a hot shot. 1501 01:21:36,975 --> 01:21:41,353 Hi babe, it's me. Um... I hope the goodbye went well. 1502 01:21:41,354 --> 01:21:45,816 Oliver and I are on our way. Okay, see you soon. 1503 01:21:46,109 --> 01:21:49,403 Nice job, Oliver. You're a whirling dervish out there. 1504 01:21:49,404 --> 01:21:52,072 - A whirling dervish! - You got this, Henry. 1505 01:21:52,073 --> 01:21:53,240 - There you go, Henry. Right through. 1506 01:21:53,241 --> 01:21:56,285 How's that feel, blue? How's that feel, blue? 1507 01:21:56,286 --> 01:21:59,163 - Yeah, little legs but they move fast. 1508 01:21:59,164 --> 01:22:02,708 Get it. Get it. Reverse it. Reverse it. Yeah! 1509 01:22:02,792 --> 01:22:05,502 - Yes! Nice pass, man. - Get off me! 1510 01:22:05,503 --> 01:22:07,671 Sorry, I'm just a passionate fan man. 1511 01:22:07,672 --> 01:22:10,674 I'm sorry, go play soccer, what are you doing talking to me? 1512 01:22:10,675 --> 01:22:11,967 - What are you doing? - What? 1513 01:22:11,968 --> 01:22:12,718 You're embarrassing the kid. 1514 01:22:12,719 --> 01:22:14,094 They kid's having a great game, you're embarrassing-- 1515 01:22:14,095 --> 01:22:16,972 Come on, Henry! Come on, Henry! 1516 01:22:16,973 --> 01:22:19,224 - That's better? - How's that feel, blue? 1517 01:22:19,225 --> 01:22:21,602 How's that feel, blue? 1518 01:22:21,603 --> 01:22:24,188 My love is conditional. 1519 01:22:28,944 --> 01:22:33,155 When we were kids, we had like orange slices after a game. 1520 01:22:33,156 --> 01:22:33,614 Thank you. 1521 01:22:33,615 --> 01:22:36,992 That's like four hundred dollars worth of frozen yogurt. 1522 01:22:36,993 --> 01:22:37,785 All the toppings... 1523 01:22:37,786 --> 01:22:41,455 - She just said it's every topping. Every flavor. 1524 01:22:42,123 --> 01:22:42,790 Hey, what's up dude? 1525 01:22:42,791 --> 01:22:45,250 Is it okay if I go over Henry's to go swimming? 1526 01:22:45,251 --> 01:22:46,961 It's cool with me. Is it cool with you? 1527 01:22:46,962 --> 01:22:49,964 At my house? You're going to go swimming at my house? 1528 01:22:49,965 --> 01:22:51,131 Yes, I am. 1529 01:22:51,132 --> 01:22:53,592 - Let me think about it. - What do you say? 1530 01:22:53,593 --> 01:22:54,802 Alright. I'll allow it. 1531 01:22:54,803 --> 01:22:57,096 - You sure you don't want to come to brunch? 1532 01:22:57,097 --> 01:22:57,805 Me and your mom? 1533 01:22:57,806 --> 01:23:00,557 We're gonna have some eggs Benedict and some frittatas. 1534 01:23:00,558 --> 01:23:02,434 - Yeah, because that's what kids want to do. 1535 01:23:02,435 --> 01:23:05,354 They don't want to go swimming. They want to go to brunch. 1536 01:23:05,355 --> 01:23:06,855 Thanks, Jake. 1537 01:23:06,856 --> 01:23:08,607 There you go. 1538 01:23:09,484 --> 01:23:11,694 - You have really changed, my friend. 1539 01:23:11,695 --> 01:23:13,487 - Yes. - I have to say I don't mind it. 1540 01:23:13,488 --> 01:23:16,240 I don't know what that whole thing was with Lainey but it 1541 01:23:16,241 --> 01:23:20,160 really turned you around in the right direction. 1542 01:23:20,412 --> 01:23:22,121 How's she doing? 1543 01:23:22,122 --> 01:23:24,415 - Lainey? - Yeah. 1544 01:23:24,416 --> 01:23:27,793 I don't know. We haven't talked in a while. 1545 01:23:29,462 --> 01:23:33,590 Look at her, passing out toppings like-- 1546 01:23:34,009 --> 01:23:35,759 She's just like a dealer. 1547 01:23:35,760 --> 01:23:37,344 - What? - You're mad? 1548 01:23:37,345 --> 01:23:39,096 - No. - You're happy. You're both? 1549 01:23:39,097 --> 01:23:41,223 - You're crazy. - Are you mappy? You're mappy? 1550 01:23:41,224 --> 01:23:42,182 - I'm just going to say you're mappy. 1551 01:23:42,183 --> 01:23:44,601 - Have you thought this through? - It's a birthday gift. 1552 01:23:44,602 --> 01:23:46,020 - I can't go to France. I can't get off work. 1553 01:23:46,021 --> 01:23:48,147 - Do what you want, because I'm pretty sure there's going to be 1554 01:23:48,148 --> 01:23:50,566 a very nice suite in a five star hotel just waiting for you. 1555 01:23:50,567 --> 01:23:52,526 But you're right. It's a bad idea. Maybe you shouldn't go. 1556 01:23:52,527 --> 01:23:55,362 But I've got to find someone now with your exact name that can go 1557 01:23:55,363 --> 01:23:59,533 to Europe and use that room. Anybody here named Paula? 1558 01:23:59,534 --> 01:24:01,785 - Ssshhtt!! You're crazy. 1559 01:24:01,786 --> 01:24:03,370 - Settle up, people. No. Not at all. 1560 01:24:03,371 --> 01:24:07,708 I think this is a great idea. - When did you get this good? 1561 01:24:07,792 --> 01:24:10,502 I spent a long time being bad. 1562 01:24:17,886 --> 01:24:19,720 What? 1563 01:24:20,055 --> 01:24:24,975 I'm sorry, I just- I know this guy from somewhere. 1564 01:24:24,976 --> 01:24:28,395 - With the glasses? - I can't put my finger on it. 1565 01:24:28,396 --> 01:24:31,023 - From work? - No... 1566 01:24:33,234 --> 01:24:34,026 Neighbour? 1567 01:24:34,027 --> 01:24:37,488 No, I-I feel like he had longer hair. 1568 01:24:37,489 --> 01:24:39,239 Maybe he's an actor? 1569 01:24:39,240 --> 01:24:42,242 Maybe I knew him at Colum... 1570 01:24:43,995 --> 01:24:45,662 Columbia... 1571 01:24:48,666 --> 01:24:49,583 You know what - 1572 01:24:49,584 --> 01:24:51,960 you mind if I run over there just to see if it's him? 1573 01:24:51,961 --> 01:24:55,422 - Okay, baby. - Be right back. 1574 01:25:02,013 --> 01:25:03,430 Sobvechik? 1575 01:25:03,431 --> 01:25:05,891 Yeah. 1576 01:25:06,976 --> 01:25:10,062 - Oh, you're pregnant! - Oh my god! 1577 01:25:17,946 --> 01:25:20,614 Jake! Jake! 1578 01:25:20,615 --> 01:25:23,575 - Who are you, you fucking asshole! 1579 01:25:24,744 --> 01:25:26,787 Sorry. Sorry. 1580 01:25:29,541 --> 01:25:32,167 - Jake! 1581 01:25:32,168 --> 01:25:34,002 Somebody do something. 1582 01:25:34,003 --> 01:25:37,005 - That's for my girl! You shit! 1583 01:25:37,006 --> 01:25:39,299 Fuck you! 1584 01:25:39,884 --> 01:25:43,428 Get up! Come on. 1585 01:25:44,139 --> 01:25:46,265 - You fucking boring piece of shit! 1586 01:25:46,266 --> 01:25:48,851 Fucking tourist. 1587 01:25:48,852 --> 01:25:51,770 I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. 1588 01:25:58,069 --> 01:25:59,778 Matthew, my water broke... 1589 01:25:59,779 --> 01:26:02,364 Honey! 1590 01:26:02,365 --> 01:26:03,198 We need a doctor. 1591 01:26:03,199 --> 01:26:05,534 - I'm a doctor! I'm her doctor! Hold on. 1592 01:26:05,535 --> 01:26:06,493 Hold on. Hold on. 1593 01:26:06,494 --> 01:26:07,870 I am her husband. 1594 01:26:07,871 --> 01:26:09,371 That is my wife and that is my baby. 1595 01:26:09,372 --> 01:26:12,499 And this motherfucker I don't even know! 1596 01:26:12,500 --> 01:26:13,250 Let's go! 1597 01:26:13,251 --> 01:26:14,209 What are you doing?! 1598 01:26:14,210 --> 01:26:16,044 Jake, you fucking maniac! 1599 01:26:16,045 --> 01:26:17,171 That's my husband! 1600 01:26:17,172 --> 01:26:19,047 Oh my God, Oh my God, 1601 01:26:19,048 --> 01:26:22,217 No! No! No! 1602 01:26:28,349 --> 01:26:32,227 No! No! 1603 01:26:32,228 --> 01:26:34,521 Matthew! Hey! Hey! 1604 01:26:34,522 --> 01:26:35,147 He didn't do anything. 1605 01:26:35,148 --> 01:26:38,901 We were just having brunch and then this fucker comes out of 1606 01:26:38,902 --> 01:26:40,652 nowhere and decks him! 1607 01:26:40,653 --> 01:26:43,405 The Henley wearing bullshit motherfucker! 1608 01:26:43,406 --> 01:26:46,575 Oh my god, this isn't happening. 1609 01:26:46,576 --> 01:26:48,785 I need a tissue... 1610 01:26:57,587 --> 01:27:00,380 Hey... 1611 01:27:04,344 --> 01:27:07,221 - They're going to book you for assault. 1612 01:27:07,222 --> 01:27:09,890 What? Why? 1613 01:27:11,100 --> 01:27:12,935 Sorry. Bad joke. 1614 01:27:12,936 --> 01:27:16,897 - So you're going to need someone to bail you out. 1615 01:27:16,898 --> 01:27:19,983 Oh, come on. Paula... 1616 01:27:19,984 --> 01:27:22,110 I don't need a hardball. 1617 01:27:22,111 --> 01:27:24,071 My girl? 1618 01:27:24,072 --> 01:27:26,531 What? 1619 01:27:26,532 --> 01:27:28,575 Michael, Who's your girl? 1620 01:27:28,576 --> 01:27:30,452 - Well I can explain that, it's just... 1621 01:27:30,453 --> 01:27:31,495 Who's your girl, Jake? 1622 01:27:31,496 --> 01:27:35,791 - I was... that guy's a fucking asshole who was really shitty 1623 01:27:35,792 --> 01:27:37,292 to a good friend of mine. 1624 01:27:37,293 --> 01:27:38,293 You can't even say it. 1625 01:27:38,294 --> 01:27:41,630 You can't even look at me and just say her name. 1626 01:27:44,300 --> 01:27:45,425 I don't even... 1627 01:27:45,426 --> 01:27:46,093 Give me the courtesy. 1628 01:27:46,094 --> 01:27:49,137 - What are you talking- I haven't even spoken to her 1629 01:27:49,138 --> 01:27:50,222 since she left. 1630 01:27:50,223 --> 01:27:53,850 I didn't do anything wrong here, okay? 1631 01:27:53,851 --> 01:27:55,310 You've been playing house. 1632 01:27:55,311 --> 01:27:57,980 I let my son fall in love with you... 1633 01:27:57,981 --> 01:27:59,690 Oh come on, that is not true. 1634 01:27:59,691 --> 01:28:01,358 - You've been lying this whole time. 1635 01:28:01,359 --> 01:28:02,150 I have not lied! 1636 01:28:02,151 --> 01:28:05,946 I would not lie to you. To him. Okay? 1637 01:28:05,947 --> 01:28:08,323 I wasn't trying to hurt you. 1638 01:28:08,324 --> 01:28:11,159 Wow, you really, you really... 1639 01:28:11,160 --> 01:28:11,702 Really what? 1640 01:28:11,703 --> 01:28:12,911 - Two different people, my friend. 1641 01:28:12,912 --> 01:28:15,539 Oh come on. I am not, okay? 1642 01:28:15,540 --> 01:28:16,707 - But you're gonna figure it out. 1643 01:28:16,708 --> 01:28:20,502 - Figure what- what are you doing? 1644 01:28:20,503 --> 01:28:22,879 You're just going to go? 1645 01:28:24,841 --> 01:28:26,508 Okay. Great... 1646 01:28:27,510 --> 01:28:29,386 Great. Okay. 1647 01:28:30,763 --> 01:28:32,306 Great! 1648 01:28:33,349 --> 01:28:35,309 Wonderful. 1649 01:28:35,310 --> 01:28:37,561 Fucking... 1650 01:28:40,481 --> 01:28:43,150 Who wants more wine? 1651 01:28:43,151 --> 01:28:44,359 I'll take some. 1652 01:28:44,360 --> 01:28:46,486 Great. 1653 01:28:46,946 --> 01:28:48,196 Hello? 1654 01:28:48,197 --> 01:28:49,906 Hey, baby. 1655 01:28:49,907 --> 01:28:50,657 Jake? 1656 01:28:50,658 --> 01:28:53,535 - Yeah. Yeah. yeah. How are you doing? 1657 01:28:53,536 --> 01:28:57,414 I'm fine. 1658 01:28:57,415 --> 01:28:58,623 Where are you calling me from? 1659 01:28:58,624 --> 01:29:01,418 - Hey, did you know they don't have a separate jail for cool 1660 01:29:01,419 --> 01:29:02,878 people who fucked up? 1661 01:29:02,879 --> 01:29:04,921 There's just one big old jail for everyone. 1662 01:29:04,922 --> 01:29:07,799 Jake. What happened. 1663 01:29:07,800 --> 01:29:12,095 - Well... I ran into our old college buddy, 1664 01:29:12,096 --> 01:29:15,432 Matthew Sobvechik. 1665 01:29:15,850 --> 01:29:17,809 Baby, what did you do? 1666 01:29:17,810 --> 01:29:20,437 Well.. I um... 1667 01:29:22,523 --> 01:29:24,816 I sort of beat he shit out of him. 1668 01:29:24,817 --> 01:29:27,569 Fucked up his life a little bit. 1669 01:29:27,570 --> 01:29:30,322 Why did you do that? 1670 01:29:30,323 --> 01:29:33,742 I um... 1671 01:29:33,743 --> 01:29:37,245 Well I just, um... 1672 01:29:37,246 --> 01:29:39,915 I just really miss you. 1673 01:29:39,916 --> 01:29:44,753 Yeah, I think about you like, all the time. 1674 01:29:44,754 --> 01:29:47,756 Even the word "Think" is wrong, 1675 01:29:47,757 --> 01:29:49,800 because I don't actively do anything. 1676 01:29:49,801 --> 01:29:53,929 You're just here. 1677 01:29:57,266 --> 01:29:59,267 Look, I didn't think I'd remember you. 1678 01:29:59,268 --> 01:30:01,978 I thought that I would forget about all of it. 1679 01:30:01,979 --> 01:30:03,188 And I didn't... 1680 01:30:03,189 --> 01:30:07,150 You know, I just-I know we're no good at this shit. 1681 01:30:07,151 --> 01:30:09,361 And that's why we agreed to stop seeing each other. 1682 01:30:09,362 --> 01:30:11,822 So we wouldn't fuck it up. But... 1683 01:30:12,824 --> 01:30:15,450 But I want you to come back. 1684 01:30:15,451 --> 01:30:17,828 I need you to... 1685 01:30:17,829 --> 01:30:20,414 Because ahh, 1686 01:30:20,415 --> 01:30:23,208 Because I'd rather fail with you, 1687 01:30:23,209 --> 01:30:28,713 than win with anyone else. 1688 01:30:33,719 --> 01:30:36,972 Hello? 1689 01:30:37,598 --> 01:30:39,683 Lainey? Are you still there? 1690 01:30:39,684 --> 01:30:41,810 Just keep talking. 1691 01:30:41,811 --> 01:30:43,812 I love hearing your voice. 1692 01:30:43,813 --> 01:30:45,605 I love hearing you say my name. 1693 01:30:45,606 --> 01:30:46,815 You do? Lainey! 1694 01:30:46,816 --> 01:30:48,358 Jake. Jake. 1695 01:30:48,359 --> 01:30:49,484 Lainey! 1696 01:30:49,485 --> 01:30:50,610 I love you so much. 1697 01:30:50,611 --> 01:30:51,319 I love you. 1698 01:30:51,320 --> 01:30:52,195 Lainey. Lainey. Lainey. 1699 01:30:52,196 --> 01:30:52,863 I love you. 1700 01:30:52,864 --> 01:30:54,030 I love you so much! 1701 01:30:54,031 --> 01:30:55,031 I love you! 1702 01:30:55,032 --> 01:30:56,158 I love you, Jake! 1703 01:30:56,159 --> 01:30:57,576 I love you! Lainey! Lainey! 1704 01:30:57,577 --> 01:30:58,493 What are you doing?! 1705 01:30:58,494 --> 01:30:59,077 Fucking take it. 1706 01:30:59,078 --> 01:31:01,705 Okay honey, you're on speaker phone in a police station. 1707 01:31:01,706 --> 01:31:03,331 Be very careful what you say. 1708 01:31:03,332 --> 01:31:04,207 Hello, police. 1709 01:31:04,208 --> 01:31:09,129 I love you. Don't- don't hurt any more people. 1710 01:31:09,130 --> 01:31:11,256 Easy! Easy! Watch it. 1711 01:31:11,257 --> 01:31:12,466 Back off. Back off. 1712 01:31:12,467 --> 01:31:20,223 Elaine! Elaine! Elaine! I love you! 1713 01:31:20,224 --> 01:31:24,644 I love you! 1714 01:31:30,776 --> 01:31:33,111 Yes? Yes. 1715 01:31:35,406 --> 01:31:38,408 I will communicate the message. 1716 01:31:39,619 --> 01:31:42,078 Mr. Sobvechik will not be joining us. 1717 01:31:42,079 --> 01:31:43,663 We will have to postpone. 1718 01:31:43,664 --> 01:31:45,582 - Come on. This is the third time. 1719 01:31:45,583 --> 01:31:47,626 - My client has a newborn he has to spend time with. 1720 01:31:47,627 --> 01:31:50,378 - We have made a generous offer to settle this lawsuit. 1721 01:31:50,379 --> 01:31:52,756 Your client is clearly dragging this thing out. 1722 01:31:52,757 --> 01:31:55,842 - My office will be in touch to reschedule. 1723 01:32:05,686 --> 01:32:09,731 - I forgot that Pinkerton was an alias of yours. 1724 01:32:09,732 --> 01:32:12,859 - You never caught that reference. 1725 01:32:14,278 --> 01:32:17,113 Madame Butterfly. 1726 01:32:17,114 --> 01:32:18,782 Just because I don't applaud your intellect 1727 01:32:18,783 --> 01:32:21,785 doesn't mean I don't notice it. 1728 01:32:29,502 --> 01:32:30,502 Matthew. 1729 01:32:30,503 --> 01:32:34,965 - I need you to swear that you didn't plan this. 1730 01:32:34,966 --> 01:32:36,633 I didn't plan this. 1731 01:32:36,634 --> 01:32:39,469 Jake's offering you a lot of money to settle this emotional 1732 01:32:39,470 --> 01:32:41,137 distress lawsuit so... 1733 01:32:41,138 --> 01:32:42,556 Just take it. 1734 01:32:42,557 --> 01:32:44,849 - Or what? Are you threatening me? 1735 01:32:44,850 --> 01:32:46,601 I don't need to threaten you. 1736 01:32:46,602 --> 01:32:47,561 Let me guess. I drop it, 1737 01:32:47,562 --> 01:32:49,938 or you tell Emma we slept together. 1738 01:32:49,939 --> 01:32:51,648 I'd tell her what I know. 1739 01:32:51,649 --> 01:32:53,650 Which is what. 1740 01:32:55,069 --> 01:32:59,573 - I know that you stop breathing when you kiss. 1741 01:32:59,574 --> 01:33:01,825 That when you lean in to whisper, 1742 01:33:01,826 --> 01:33:07,080 you put your lips right up against the back of my earlobe. 1743 01:33:07,081 --> 01:33:10,292 You kiss the back of my neck before you slip my coat 1744 01:33:10,293 --> 01:33:12,961 over my shoulders. 1745 01:33:14,463 --> 01:33:18,925 I remember every compliment you ever gave me. 1746 01:33:18,926 --> 01:33:22,929 Everything you ever did to me in bed. 1747 01:33:22,930 --> 01:33:24,514 And the day you made me yours. 1748 01:33:24,515 --> 01:33:30,353 The day you said: Elaine, I wish I could have known you when you 1749 01:33:30,354 --> 01:33:33,523 were a little girl. So that I could've been... 1750 01:33:33,524 --> 01:33:36,985 Could've been your true love. 1751 01:33:36,986 --> 01:33:40,280 I remember too, you know. 1752 01:33:40,281 --> 01:33:44,534 - Would any of it sound familiar to Emma? 1753 01:33:44,535 --> 01:33:46,578 Some. Yes. 1754 01:33:46,579 --> 01:33:49,039 - I don't think she needs to know that things she holds close 1755 01:33:49,040 --> 01:33:53,585 to her heart were rehearsed on someone else. 1756 01:33:55,796 --> 01:33:58,923 Goodbye, Mathew. 1757 01:34:06,474 --> 01:34:08,141 - So is he going to drop the charges? 1758 01:34:08,142 --> 01:34:09,768 Am I allowed to leave the state? 1759 01:34:09,769 --> 01:34:10,935 He will. You may. 1760 01:34:10,936 --> 01:34:14,147 - Good, because I booked us a flight back to Michigan 1761 01:34:14,148 --> 01:34:15,190 at 10am tomorrow morning. 1762 01:34:15,191 --> 01:34:16,858 - Great. I have a final at three. 1763 01:34:16,859 --> 01:34:19,653 - Excellent. I'll help you study. I'll make flashcards. 1764 01:34:19,654 --> 01:34:21,446 So no honeymoon? 1765 01:34:21,447 --> 01:34:22,113 Oh no, no. 1766 01:34:22,114 --> 01:34:22,906 There's going to be a honeymoon. 1767 01:34:22,907 --> 01:34:25,075 I got us the penthouse suite down at the plaza 1768 01:34:25,076 --> 01:34:26,451 right down the road here. 1769 01:34:26,452 --> 01:34:26,868 Nice! 1770 01:34:26,869 --> 01:34:29,454 - But first I've got to take you downtown and make an honest 1771 01:34:29,455 --> 01:34:31,456 woman out of you. - Rings? 1772 01:34:31,457 --> 01:34:32,499 Shit... 1773 01:34:32,500 --> 01:34:36,044 Kidding. Xander's got them. 1774 01:34:36,212 --> 01:34:39,923 - I can't believe that we lost our virginity to each other and 1775 01:34:39,924 --> 01:34:41,591 saved ourselves for marriage. 1776 01:34:41,592 --> 01:34:42,967 That's pretty great. 1777 01:34:42,968 --> 01:34:44,719 - Yeah, I'm proud of us. Nicely done. 1778 01:34:44,720 --> 01:34:47,263 - But it's not like we haven't done it. 1779 01:34:47,264 --> 01:34:47,806 Of course. 1780 01:34:47,807 --> 01:34:48,932 I know what it looks like. 1781 01:34:48,933 --> 01:34:49,766 Yeah, yeah. It's been a while. 1782 01:34:49,767 --> 01:34:51,935 But I know what your situation is down there. 1783 01:34:51,936 --> 01:34:52,686 Oh really? 1784 01:34:52,687 --> 01:34:55,271 How's my situation? 1785 01:34:55,272 --> 01:34:56,898 You kidding? 1786 01:34:56,899 --> 01:35:00,068 It's perfect. 1787 01:35:01,112 --> 01:35:02,362 Oh well... 1788 01:35:02,363 --> 01:35:05,782 I'm pretty much a dream come true. 1789 01:35:07,785 --> 01:35:11,371 Mousetrap... 1790 01:35:12,248 --> 01:35:13,540 Do we really have to... 1791 01:35:13,541 --> 01:35:14,624 No, we don't. 1792 01:35:14,625 --> 01:35:17,752 Safe word to code word, I guess... 1793 01:35:17,753 --> 01:35:19,671 We should probably... 1794 01:35:19,672 --> 01:35:21,423 - Let's go fuck first, then we'll meet them down there. 1795 01:35:21,424 --> 01:35:23,925 - We gotta do it now, yeah. But we got to do it quick. 1796 01:35:23,926 --> 01:35:24,926 Call Xander, tell him we're gonna be late. 1797 01:35:24,927 --> 01:35:27,470 - Absolutely... How long shall I tell him we're going to be? 1798 01:35:27,471 --> 01:35:28,138 A couple of hours. 1799 01:35:28,139 --> 01:35:29,514 Really? Luck guy, aren't I. 1800 01:35:29,515 --> 01:35:31,474 - Yeah, and then we'll still go and get married. 1801 01:35:31,475 --> 01:35:34,811 - Absolutely. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I forgot something. 1802 01:35:34,812 --> 01:35:36,855 What? 1803 01:35:39,692 --> 01:35:41,651 That. 1804 01:35:41,652 --> 01:35:42,861 Yeah. 1805 01:35:42,862 --> 01:35:43,945 Better, right? 1806 01:35:43,946 --> 01:35:45,947 So we got twenty blocks. 1807 01:35:45,948 --> 01:35:47,449 - Why didn't we just take the bus? 1808 01:35:47,450 --> 01:35:48,366 Oh that's a good point. 1809 01:35:48,367 --> 01:35:49,367 Should we get on the bus? 1810 01:35:49,368 --> 01:35:52,370 I wonder if we can find that route where we first did it. 1811 01:35:52,371 --> 01:35:54,205 Oh, you're such a romantic. 1812 01:35:54,206 --> 01:35:55,957 Yeah, yeah.... 1813 01:35:55,958 --> 01:35:57,584 I love you. 1814 01:35:57,585 --> 01:35:59,586 I love you too. 1815 01:36:21,734 --> 01:36:24,903 Yeah. we'll be here. 1816 01:36:24,904 --> 01:36:27,614 Okay, have fun I dunno. 1817 01:36:27,615 --> 01:36:28,531 Okay, bye. 1818 01:36:28,532 --> 01:36:32,327 Um they're going to be here in like ninety minutes. 1819 01:36:32,328 --> 01:36:34,746 When have you ever had sex for ninety minutes? 1820 01:36:34,747 --> 01:36:35,622 With you? 1821 01:36:35,623 --> 01:36:36,164 With anybody. 1822 01:36:36,165 --> 01:36:38,166 You have not had sex for ninety minutes? 1823 01:36:38,167 --> 01:36:41,461 - I have had actual intercourse for ninety minutes. 1824 01:36:41,462 --> 01:36:43,630 - I bet their counting foreplay and stuff. 1825 01:36:43,631 --> 01:36:44,714 No well, maybe they are. 1826 01:36:44,715 --> 01:36:48,384 - Frankly, I'd be shocked if they made it at all. 1827 01:36:48,385 --> 01:36:51,095 I bet this sex thing is a ruse. 1828 01:36:51,096 --> 01:36:51,930 For what? 1829 01:36:51,931 --> 01:36:53,181 They're having trouble. 1830 01:36:53,182 --> 01:36:53,932 Cold feet. 1831 01:36:53,933 --> 01:36:54,808 Second thoughts. 1832 01:36:54,809 --> 01:36:55,558 Second thoughts? 1833 01:36:55,559 --> 01:36:57,143 They literally just got back together. 1834 01:36:57,144 --> 01:36:59,938 - I know, but now they have to have this whole sex thing. 1835 01:36:59,939 --> 01:37:01,105 I don't know... 1836 01:37:01,106 --> 01:37:05,360 - First of all, we had sex at the last minute, 1837 01:37:05,361 --> 01:37:06,820 right before we got married. 1838 01:37:06,821 --> 01:37:08,238 I don't think that's true. 1839 01:37:08,239 --> 01:37:08,780 Really? 1840 01:37:08,781 --> 01:37:10,448 You don't remember someone sneaking into 1841 01:37:10,449 --> 01:37:11,741 my room right before? 1842 01:37:11,742 --> 01:37:13,743 Who? Who? I'll murder him! 1843 01:37:13,744 --> 01:37:16,287 Text us if you're going to do this. 1844 01:37:16,288 --> 01:37:17,914 We'll be there. I've got the rings. 1845 01:37:17,915 --> 01:37:19,916 The whole deal, so just ahh... 1846 01:37:19,917 --> 01:37:21,960 - We're gonna go have sex for nine minutes. 1847 01:37:21,961 --> 01:37:24,921 - Yes, we're gonna go have sex for nine minutes. 1848 01:37:24,922 --> 01:37:27,882 - Now I'm super happy with four to six. 1849 01:37:27,883 --> 01:37:31,094 - Four to six minutes or four to six inches? 1850 01:37:31,095 --> 01:37:32,303 Both. 1851 01:37:32,304 --> 01:37:34,138 - I can get to like six and a quarter. 1852 01:37:34,139 --> 01:37:37,725 I'll show you right now. It is so cold. 1853 01:37:37,726 --> 01:37:39,727 I can't get hard right now. 1854 01:37:39,728 --> 01:37:40,353 Just show me. 1855 01:37:40,354 --> 01:37:41,896 I can't get hard right now! 1856 01:37:41,897 --> 01:37:42,522 Alright. 1857 01:37:42,523 --> 01:37:43,773 I want to though. 1858 01:37:43,774 --> 01:37:44,190 Here... 1859 01:37:44,191 --> 01:37:45,692 - If they're gonna be ninety minutes. 1860 01:37:45,693 --> 01:37:46,234 Will this help? 1861 01:37:46,235 --> 01:37:48,278 - Yeah, oh That's doing something... 1862 01:37:48,279 --> 01:37:51,364 There's a kid looking at me. 1863 01:37:51,365 --> 01:37:53,199 The kid's locked eyes with me. 1864 01:37:53,200 --> 01:37:55,910 Hey. We made it work. 1865 01:37:55,911 --> 01:37:57,078 12 years! 1866 01:37:57,079 --> 01:37:58,288 Who would have thought. 1867 01:37:58,289 --> 01:38:00,248 Don't say twelve years... 1868 01:38:00,249 --> 01:38:02,000 I bet my brother seven and I would be out. 1869 01:38:02,001 --> 01:38:04,377 I had to give him 5000 dollars. 1870 01:38:04,378 --> 01:38:04,752 What?! 1871 01:38:04,753 --> 01:38:06,880 - Yeah. 5 years ago I gave him 5000 dollars. 1872 01:38:06,881 --> 01:38:08,423 Remember, you were so mad. 1873 01:38:08,424 --> 01:38:08,840 Yeah! 1874 01:38:08,841 --> 01:38:11,968 - Yeah. I paid him that because I lasted longer. 1875 01:38:11,969 --> 01:38:14,095 - You said you got into a car accident. 1876 01:38:14,096 --> 01:38:17,682 It's weird to look at you for this long. 1877 01:38:17,683 --> 01:38:18,850 What do you mean? 1878 01:38:18,851 --> 01:38:20,101 I never look at you. 1879 01:38:20,102 --> 01:38:23,062 Get a good gander. 1880 01:38:25,941 --> 01:38:28,568 What are you doing? Don't dance. 1881 01:38:28,569 --> 01:38:30,278 Don't dance, please. 1882 01:38:30,279 --> 01:38:32,363 I don't like it. 1883 01:38:32,364 --> 01:38:36,534 What are you... Don't grind up on me, weirdo. 1884 01:38:36,535 --> 01:38:37,785 There's not even music. 1885 01:38:37,786 --> 01:38:38,536 Really? 1886 01:38:38,537 --> 01:38:39,746 There's music in my body. 1887 01:38:39,747 --> 01:38:40,705 - Okay, now something's happening. 1888 01:38:40,706 --> 01:38:43,583 Let's get out of here. Let's go back to the hotel. 1889 01:38:43,584 --> 01:38:45,084 I want to do stuff to your body. 1890 01:38:45,085 --> 01:38:47,921 Upstairs. Downstairs. Right? 1891 01:38:47,922 --> 01:38:48,922 Yeah. 1892 01:38:48,923 --> 01:38:51,507 All right. 1893 01:38:51,508 --> 01:38:53,051 I love you, honey. 1894 01:38:53,052 --> 01:38:54,385 I love you. 1895 01:38:54,386 --> 01:38:56,930 Let's go!