1 00:00:45,295 --> 00:00:48,088 Who wanted cheese? Joe. Rem Dogg. 2 00:00:48,256 --> 00:00:49,798 - No Nutella? - No Nutella. 3 00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:51,717 Right, bacon? 4 00:00:52,093 --> 00:00:55,304 I'm gonna cry. Justin Bieber signed the visitors' book. 5 00:00:58,058 --> 00:01:01,518 Class K, if you don't shut up, you can wave goodbye to the Heineken factory. 6 00:01:01,686 --> 00:01:05,647 - Was she like Bridget Jones? - No, she was persecuted by the Nazis. 7 00:01:06,107 --> 00:01:07,775 Here you go, Downton Abbey. 8 00:01:09,194 --> 00:01:12,946 Cleo, check it out. I just put some magic mushrooms in Mr Wickers' crepe. 9 00:01:13,114 --> 00:01:14,114 Move, man. 10 00:01:14,282 --> 00:01:16,575 - FML, this line is not cute. - Queue jump? 11 00:01:17,285 --> 00:01:19,745 Rem Dogg, we're not using your wheelchair 12 00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:23,624 to queue barge Hasidic Jews into an Anne Frank exhibition. 13 00:01:28,171 --> 00:01:29,713 Sorry. 14 00:01:30,381 --> 00:01:32,049 Look more ill. 15 00:01:36,054 --> 00:01:41,433 Now, guys, before we go in, please for once can you just be respectful. 16 00:01:48,316 --> 00:01:51,819 Jing ... I've found Anne. 17 00:01:59,744 --> 00:02:01,829 That's a waxwork model. 18 00:02:07,502 --> 00:02:08,460 Sir? 19 00:02:11,506 --> 00:02:13,090 Sir? 20 00:02:14,592 --> 00:02:16,218 Are you okay? 21 00:02:18,304 --> 00:02:22,349 Hush, Po, Anne's trying to speak. 22 00:02:32,443 --> 00:02:34,319 She wants to go home. 23 00:02:43,621 --> 00:02:46,248 Call the Police! Stop! 24 00:04:21,219 --> 00:04:25,180 We're gonna make it. 25 00:04:59,048 --> 00:05:03,051 Susan, I think I discussed this in the last meeting. 26 00:05:03,219 --> 00:05:06,972 We are all a little uncomfortable being called to order by a rape alarm. 27 00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:11,143 Our children are not going on another school trip with that clown. 28 00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:16,023 Mr Wickers assures me that this field trip is of great academic value. 29 00:05:16,190 --> 00:05:18,066 They're going to Las Vegas! 30 00:05:20,403 --> 00:05:22,487 - Great for their maths. - And French. 31 00:05:22,655 --> 00:05:25,991 - They're seeing Celine Dion. - We are all sick of that buffoon 32 00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:27,743 being protected by his father ... 33 00:05:28,369 --> 00:05:29,703 Or so his mother assured me. 34 00:05:29,871 --> 00:05:32,289 - ...his sexual playmate ... - Odd choice of words. 35 00:05:32,457 --> 00:05:35,250 - ...and the headmaster. - His wingman. Home slice. 36 00:05:35,418 --> 00:05:38,253 - Brother from another mother. - A joke! 37 00:05:38,421 --> 00:05:40,464 Look, he isn't perfect, but ... 38 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:45,218 ...Alfie Wickers is a truly wonderful teacher. 39 00:05:46,971 --> 00:05:48,638 Class K forever, yeah? 40 00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:50,098 It's so cute. 41 00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:54,519 If you do a cock and balls, I'll never buy you cigarettes ever again. 42 00:05:54,687 --> 00:05:57,064 Have you got any idea how much this is gonna hurt? 43 00:05:57,857 --> 00:06:02,819 Pain is temporary, Joe. Being an absolute badass lasts forever. Ink me. 44 00:06:16,167 --> 00:06:19,086 - Are you sure you're good to carry on? - Yeah. 45 00:06:22,965 --> 00:06:24,007 I've got it. 46 00:06:24,467 --> 00:06:27,010 Why don't we give Alfie the chance to defend himself? 47 00:06:27,178 --> 00:06:29,388 We could pay him a visit right now. 48 00:06:31,474 --> 00:06:33,475 What a terrific idea. 49 00:06:33,851 --> 00:06:37,312 So, we were looking at the First War of Scottish Independence. 50 00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:39,856 And you know what that means. 51 00:06:40,525 --> 00:06:42,234 It's Class Wars! 52 00:06:48,157 --> 00:06:51,201 So, it is the siege of Stirling Castle! 53 00:06:51,369 --> 00:06:54,037 - 20th of July, 1304. - Nice, mate. 54 00:06:54,205 --> 00:06:57,082 And what tactic did the English use to defeat the Scots? 55 00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:59,292 Military blockade. They cut off their enemy's supply lines. 56 00:06:59,460 --> 00:07:04,172 Correct. So, during break, I went through your bags blockading you. 57 00:07:04,340 --> 00:07:07,217 - I cut off your water, your food ... - My Pepperami! 58 00:07:07,385 --> 00:07:09,845 - And your communication. - Sneaky bitch! 59 00:07:10,012 --> 00:07:14,057 Giving you no option but to lay down your weapons and surrender. 60 00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:25,652 Where's Gagarin? 61 00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:29,239 Freedom! 62 00:07:38,624 --> 00:07:40,167 Mum! 63 00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:43,420 This is a place of learning, Mr Wickers. 64 00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:47,257 - Not Takeshi's Castle. - Oh, great reference. 65 00:07:47,425 --> 00:07:50,719 - But, Mum, we are learning. - Joseph, stop defending him. 66 00:07:51,137 --> 00:07:52,888 He's the biggest child in the school. 67 00:07:54,265 --> 00:07:57,184 Oh, for God's sake, how do you switch this thing off? 68 00:07:57,643 --> 00:08:00,770 - Um, Susan ... - Don't 'Susan' me! Thank you. 69 00:08:00,938 --> 00:08:03,857 There's got to be a switch somewhere. Ah, here we are. 70 00:08:33,054 --> 00:08:35,639 Just like that hamster, you're up to your neck in it. 71 00:08:35,806 --> 00:08:39,851 So, I'm sorry, Alfredo, the parents just won't pay for the Vegas trip. 72 00:08:40,019 --> 00:08:43,605 We'll do a fundraiser. Or wait, doesn't the school have a travel bursary? 73 00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:46,358 Had a travel bursary. 74 00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:50,153 A few years back, I invested that particular nest egg in art. 75 00:08:50,321 --> 00:08:52,531 Well, great. Art famously goes up in value. 76 00:09:00,665 --> 00:09:03,416 - They're literally worthless. - Fine. Then I'll pay. 77 00:09:03,834 --> 00:09:07,462 Seriously, take it out of my salary. My kids deserve that trip. 78 00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:11,341 You're gonna pay for your class to fly an 11,000 mile roundtrip 79 00:09:11,509 --> 00:09:14,386 to spend a week in Las Vegas? 80 00:09:17,431 --> 00:09:18,974 Who wants to go to Cornwall? 81 00:09:20,309 --> 00:09:22,727 - What the hell is Cornwall? - It's a county, Chantelle. 82 00:09:22,895 --> 00:09:25,272 - But it's abroad, right? - No. A county in England. 83 00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:27,774 Rolling hills, smugglers' coves ... 84 00:09:27,942 --> 00:09:33,321 I ain't travelling 6 hours to stand in a field watching some bait farmer 85 00:09:33,489 --> 00:09:35,198 wank off sheeps into a bucket. 86 00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:37,450 An agricultural practice I'm unaware of. 87 00:09:37,618 --> 00:09:40,662 We have to go on a post-exam trip. It's a rite of passage. 88 00:09:40,830 --> 00:09:43,206 Did you go on one, sir, after your GCSEs? 89 00:09:43,374 --> 00:09:45,125 Yeah. Shagaluf with the lads. 90 00:09:45,293 --> 00:09:48,503 I'm sworn to secrecy but I'm sure you can guess what we got up to. 91 00:09:48,671 --> 00:09:51,756 You sat in a villa with the Bullingdon Club lugeing port off each other's dicks. 92 00:09:53,968 --> 00:09:56,386 Cornwall is gonna be insane. And get this ... 93 00:09:56,554 --> 00:10:00,390 my best friend from school, Atticus Hoye, is throwing a house party down there. 94 00:10:00,558 --> 00:10:03,977 I'm talking pop up tiki bar, fairground rides ... 95 00:10:04,145 --> 00:10:05,895 ...a frickin' Nando's van. 96 00:10:06,063 --> 00:10:06,980 Yes! 97 00:10:07,148 --> 00:10:09,441 Atticus? Man, you're posh. 98 00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:12,527 How is that posh? He's just my old fencing buddy. 99 00:10:12,695 --> 00:10:14,988 - Did you cross swords with him, sir? - Hell, yeah. 100 00:10:15,323 --> 00:10:19,075 I buried my tip into him more times than I ... I see what you've done there. 101 00:10:21,746 --> 00:10:24,914 I hope you all have a great time. Wish I could come. 102 00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:29,085 Don't be silly, you are coming. It's not Class K without the big man. 103 00:10:29,253 --> 00:10:31,880 Mum will never let me go to Cornwall, or on a house party. 104 00:10:32,048 --> 00:10:34,049 She's not gonna know, thanks to this. 105 00:10:34,216 --> 00:10:38,178 A fake itinerary I have devised full of lame school trippy shit. 106 00:10:43,768 --> 00:10:46,853 The Eden Project, some castles, a nunnery. 107 00:10:47,021 --> 00:10:48,521 It's gonna be fine. 108 00:10:48,689 --> 00:10:52,901 Well, I've printed out parent contact details, a list of local hospitals ... 109 00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:56,571 ...and some articles on the complex political developments in the region. 110 00:10:56,739 --> 00:10:58,239 It's Cornwall, not Syria. 111 00:10:58,407 --> 00:11:02,285 And if you're worried about your drink getting spiked, use one of these. 112 00:11:02,453 --> 00:11:05,997 Very clever. I see. Pop it up the chuffer, do you? 113 00:11:06,582 --> 00:11:09,501 Board up the tradesman's entrance. Keep out any randy Corns. 114 00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:13,713 - It goes on top of a bottle. - That makes more sense. 115 00:11:14,298 --> 00:11:16,675 If this trip goes wrong, I won't be there to protect you. 116 00:11:16,842 --> 00:11:19,594 Rosie, believe it or not, I am a grown man 117 00:11:19,762 --> 00:11:22,681 and I am perfectly capable of looking after myself. 118 00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:24,766 - Lunchbox. - You put in Dunkers. 119 00:11:24,934 --> 00:11:26,476 Yep. 120 00:11:26,977 --> 00:11:28,103 Bye. 121 00:11:36,070 --> 00:11:37,612 Konichiwa. 122 00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:43,702 Now do be careful, compadre. And remember, this is not a stag do. 123 00:11:43,869 --> 00:11:46,121 Oi, willy wanker. One for the road? 124 00:11:47,081 --> 00:11:48,623 Look, sir. 125 00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:50,542 Oh, dear. 126 00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:54,170 Oh, shit. 127 00:11:54,338 --> 00:11:57,132 Right, guys, remember, what happens on tour, stays on tour. 128 00:11:57,299 --> 00:11:59,342 Don't touch me. Let's go. 129 00:12:01,345 --> 00:12:04,264 - Lads, lads ... - Eeuw, it smells of wee. 130 00:12:07,393 --> 00:12:10,854 Susan, why do you got luggage? This isn't the UKIP battle bus. 131 00:12:11,021 --> 00:12:13,022 Joe is only going if I come too. 132 00:12:13,691 --> 00:12:16,443 Right. Is this some kind of sick joke? Fraser? 133 00:12:17,528 --> 00:12:19,070 Fraser? 134 00:12:19,989 --> 00:12:22,657 No. No way. This is not happening. 135 00:12:22,825 --> 00:12:25,702 She is not coming with us. This is a school trip, not a bloody Saga tour. 136 00:12:25,870 --> 00:12:29,080 The gloves are off. Glasses, on. 137 00:12:30,791 --> 00:12:33,793 - What the hell are those? - It's wearable tech. 138 00:12:34,378 --> 00:12:37,255 I will use this device to record your every move. 139 00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:40,508 If you put one foot out of line ... 140 00:12:41,010 --> 00:12:45,221 ...I will terminate this trip with extreme prejudice! 141 00:12:46,849 --> 00:12:48,725 Bullshit! 142 00:12:48,893 --> 00:12:51,603 Stupid woman. Stupid bloody glasses. 143 00:12:54,815 --> 00:12:58,318 Go Glasses, show me traffic updates for the A303. 144 00:12:58,486 --> 00:13:02,155 What are those glasses? Looks like she'll give a TED talk on the menopause. 145 00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:06,951 First stop on Mr Wickers' fabulous itinerary. The Eden Project. 146 00:13:07,119 --> 00:13:08,703 What?! 147 00:13:11,874 --> 00:13:16,836 Over on my left, we have the world's largest spade. 148 00:13:17,004 --> 00:13:18,755 Wow! 149 00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:29,015 I can't believe we've driven 6 hours to see a garden centre. 150 00:13:29,183 --> 00:13:33,728 - I think I've been bitten. - Oi, mate, where's the skunk? 151 00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:41,402 Dick! No! Get off! 152 00:13:42,947 --> 00:13:44,489 Watch it. 153 00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:52,372 Hey! I wouldn't eat that. Purging buckthorn, nature's laxative. 154 00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:54,499 You'll have a storm blast so hard out your bum 155 00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:58,086 they'll be finding bodies up in the trees for weeks. 156 00:14:02,049 --> 00:14:04,509 Thank you God. 157 00:14:05,803 --> 00:14:08,263 This trip was meant to be about creating memories. 158 00:14:08,430 --> 00:14:12,225 No-one's gonna look back: "Ooh, do you remember the time we saw a big spade?". 159 00:14:18,607 --> 00:14:20,358 Please! 160 00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:25,613 - Please, Susan, for the love of God. - Fine! 161 00:14:25,781 --> 00:14:28,199 - Yes! - But it will only end in tears. 162 00:14:29,243 --> 00:14:31,703 God, woman. It's just a zipwire. 163 00:14:33,998 --> 00:14:35,540 Come on, sir. 164 00:14:37,209 --> 00:14:38,835 Oh God, this is high. 165 00:14:41,213 --> 00:14:44,132 You'll be okay. Just remember not to scream. 166 00:14:44,675 --> 00:14:48,636 We had a guy once who choked on his own tongue. Ready? 167 00:14:48,804 --> 00:14:50,930 Oh God, I've changed my mind. 168 00:14:51,098 --> 00:14:52,891 Get on with it, you tart! 169 00:14:57,021 --> 00:14:58,730 Mitchell! 170 00:15:16,206 --> 00:15:19,000 Sorry! 171 00:15:27,509 --> 00:15:30,887 Help, Susan. Susan. Help. 172 00:15:31,430 --> 00:15:33,681 Go Glasses, take photo. 173 00:15:33,849 --> 00:15:39,562 Send to group email marked 'the PTA'. Subject heading: strike one. 174 00:15:41,315 --> 00:15:43,691 My willy's gone inside me. 175 00:15:50,407 --> 00:15:53,618 We have got to ditch the bitch. 176 00:15:58,707 --> 00:16:00,833 Shitty shitty bang bang. 177 00:16:02,544 --> 00:16:05,838 Mrs Poulter, are those glasses voice activated? 178 00:16:06,006 --> 00:16:07,256 Yes, Mitchell. 179 00:16:08,467 --> 00:16:10,510 - Go Glasses ... - Not when I'm driving. 180 00:16:10,678 --> 00:16:12,428 ...search 'two girls, one cup'. 181 00:16:12,596 --> 00:16:14,138 Oh! 182 00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:18,226 You revolting little boy, sit back down! 183 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:24,190 Penleven Castle was built by Henry VI. 184 00:16:24,358 --> 00:16:27,610 And in the Cornish rebellion of 1497 185 00:16:27,778 --> 00:16:32,240 the castle withstood a siege for over 5 months. 186 00:16:32,741 --> 00:16:35,410 - Mate, look, a witch. - It's a nun, you tit. 187 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:48,881 Arnie, Dieter, Gunter, Helga, Helma, Ulla und Rem Hund. 188 00:16:50,217 --> 00:16:52,176 Any questions, my children? 189 00:16:53,470 --> 00:16:56,472 Who build that castle? 190 00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:58,725 Does anyone have any questions? 191 00:17:00,477 --> 00:17:02,645 Well, come on. Anything?! 192 00:17:03,397 --> 00:17:06,774 - Oh, dear. - Where's the G-spot? - Would you rather have no arms or no legs? 193 00:17:06,942 --> 00:17:09,652 - What's a haggis? - Who would win in a fight, Gandalf or Dwayne Johnson? 194 00:17:09,820 --> 00:17:11,362 Obviously Gandalf. He's magic. 195 00:17:11,530 --> 00:17:12,488 Stop! 196 00:17:12,656 --> 00:17:14,741 If a chicken had sex with a pig, could it lay a Scotch egg? 197 00:17:14,908 --> 00:17:16,743 - Do you get a boner when you drown? - Correct. 198 00:17:16,910 --> 00:17:18,494 Susie, have you ever heard of conditioner? 199 00:17:18,662 --> 00:17:20,705 I meant questions about the castle! 200 00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:26,085 There seems to be a priest hole that smugglers turned into a secret passageway. 201 00:17:26,253 --> 00:17:29,380 Can we see it as it sounds mildly less shit than this church? 202 00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:31,174 There's no smugglers' passageway. 203 00:17:31,341 --> 00:17:35,470 There is. I read about it on the internet. It goes down to the beach. 204 00:17:35,637 --> 00:17:37,889 Sir wants to see your back passage. 205 00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:39,724 Shut up, you little toad! 206 00:17:44,188 --> 00:17:46,355 This is Cornwall's most sacred relic 207 00:17:46,523 --> 00:17:50,485 brought back from the Crusades and believed to possess 208 00:17:50,652 --> 00:17:53,196 miraculous healing powers. 209 00:17:53,572 --> 00:17:57,742 Behold, the prepuce of Saint John the Baptist. 210 00:17:59,119 --> 00:18:01,579 - What's a prepuce? - A foreskin. 211 00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:03,748 Eugh! 212 00:18:05,125 --> 00:18:07,627 Eugh, they're praying to a bit of old willy? 213 00:18:07,795 --> 00:18:11,923 A 2,000 year old holy relic which sheathed the Baptist's phallus. 214 00:18:18,764 --> 00:18:21,516 Excuse me. Could you please take me to the nearest WC? 215 00:18:21,683 --> 00:18:25,478 - I'm required to remain in this room. - Take me to a toilet! 216 00:18:25,896 --> 00:18:29,357 - Well, we might hit up the cafe. - No, you stay here. 217 00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:32,652 This whole trip can't be dictated by your bowel movements. 218 00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:36,489 If you just sit here quietly for 5 minutes, I will ... 219 00:18:37,157 --> 00:18:39,700 - I'll let you have some free time. - Deal! 220 00:18:40,285 --> 00:18:41,953 Quickly, move out of the way! 221 00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:45,039 Did you hear that, guys? Free time means pub crawl. 222 00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:49,836 All you've got to do is behave for 5 minutes. 223 00:18:51,338 --> 00:18:53,923 - Mitchell! - I just wanted to make a wish. 224 00:18:54,091 --> 00:18:56,175 It's not a fucking genie! 225 00:18:58,011 --> 00:19:00,680 Oh my God. The foreskin, where is it? 226 00:19:01,348 --> 00:19:02,890 Shit. Help, help. 227 00:19:03,392 --> 00:19:04,934 Oh my God. 228 00:19:05,102 --> 00:19:07,228 What's going on? I heard a crash. 229 00:19:12,067 --> 00:19:13,609 Oh, dear. 230 00:19:13,777 --> 00:19:15,444 - Where? - Through here. 231 00:19:15,612 --> 00:19:19,157 Come on, boy. Come on, give it! 232 00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:22,535 What are you doing to my dog? 233 00:19:27,583 --> 00:19:29,375 Much better. 234 00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:35,339 - Quickly! Hurry! - She's coming back! 235 00:19:36,884 --> 00:19:38,509 Everybody freeze! 236 00:19:39,052 --> 00:19:43,556 Where is the prepuce? Hands where I can see them! Need to search you all. 237 00:19:44,558 --> 00:19:48,060 What's that in your hand, Mr Wickers? Show me your hands! 238 00:19:50,439 --> 00:19:51,981 Both of them! 239 00:19:53,317 --> 00:19:54,859 Fuck. 240 00:20:02,910 --> 00:20:04,452 Turn round now! 241 00:20:08,123 --> 00:20:10,541 Would you care to explain what the hell is going on? 242 00:20:10,709 --> 00:20:14,378 Well, come on. Speak! 243 00:20:22,763 --> 00:20:24,305 Hey, I got it. 244 00:20:29,019 --> 00:20:31,312 See? Foreskin, innit. 245 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:34,565 Well, boy, what were you doing with it? 246 00:20:35,776 --> 00:20:40,071 Little man wanted a miracle. So he gave it a rub and now he can walk. 247 00:20:56,880 --> 00:21:00,925 When we getting lunch? Or are you full after that ancient dick you ate? 248 00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:05,930 - Where the hell are we? - The fishing town of Port Jago. 249 00:21:06,098 --> 00:21:08,557 Drink in that crisp sea air. 250 00:21:09,351 --> 00:21:11,686 - Smells of minge. - Like you'd know. 251 00:21:11,853 --> 00:21:16,524 - Is he related to Atticus? - His dad. The local MP. Bit Marmite. 252 00:21:16,692 --> 00:21:19,860 - Do you think they've got a McDonald's? - No, Joe, I don't. 253 00:21:20,028 --> 00:21:23,948 I think we're in a creepy little town in the middle of buttfuck nowhere. 254 00:21:24,116 --> 00:21:26,367 That's a genuine sign. 255 00:21:26,743 --> 00:21:30,746 Young lady, Cornwall is not some mediaeval backwater. 256 00:21:30,914 --> 00:21:33,666 It is a modern, cosmopolitan county 257 00:21:33,834 --> 00:21:37,586 with both feet planted firmly in the 21st century. 258 00:21:37,754 --> 00:21:39,005 Um, guys ... 259 00:21:46,847 --> 00:21:49,098 What the fuck? 260 00:21:49,266 --> 00:21:54,061 This is the Port Jago Summer Solstice parade. There's the hobby horse. 261 00:21:54,229 --> 00:21:56,814 Come do the bridal dance with the horse, young virgin. 262 00:21:56,982 --> 00:21:59,984 - Virgin? You're barking up the wrong tree there. - Shut up. 263 00:22:00,152 --> 00:22:04,155 Shall we get going before the pantomime horse knocks up one of the kids? 264 00:22:08,618 --> 00:22:11,620 Got nowt under Wickers, my lovely. 265 00:22:13,540 --> 00:22:17,668 I do have 8 rooms for the Dusseldorf Academy der Kunste? 266 00:22:17,836 --> 00:22:20,463 Yeah, that's us. Guten Tag. 267 00:22:21,590 --> 00:22:23,341 Can we go on a helicopter tour? 268 00:22:23,508 --> 00:22:27,345 No need. I've arranged a very special treat for us tonight. 269 00:22:28,096 --> 00:22:31,098 We are on a VIP guest list 270 00:22:33,352 --> 00:22:38,356 to visit the leader of the Cornish rebellion, Michael An Gof's grave. 271 00:22:41,568 --> 00:22:44,403 That's a treat? We're going to a graveyard? 272 00:22:44,821 --> 00:22:46,739 Right, what happened to our free time? 273 00:22:46,907 --> 00:22:50,659 You didn't seriously think I would let you run amok in this town? 274 00:22:50,827 --> 00:22:53,037 Fine! You know what, you win. 275 00:22:53,580 --> 00:22:56,999 I admit, this trip is a write-off. But I'm warning you, Susan, 276 00:22:57,167 --> 00:22:59,543 when they leave school, I'm gonna take them on a holiday 277 00:22:59,711 --> 00:23:05,007 so batshit mental - if it was a movie, everyone would be played by Nicolas Cage. 278 00:23:05,175 --> 00:23:06,967 When they leave school? 279 00:23:07,135 --> 00:23:10,054 Yes. When they leave school. 280 00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:13,349 They haven't told you. 281 00:23:17,562 --> 00:23:19,522 Guys, what's going on? 282 00:23:20,565 --> 00:23:23,526 We're leaving, sir. Well, we've left. 283 00:23:23,902 --> 00:23:26,654 But ... where? 284 00:23:26,822 --> 00:23:30,658 - Beauty school. - Brit school. - Anywhere that ain't school. 285 00:23:31,952 --> 00:23:33,494 Joe? 286 00:23:36,581 --> 00:23:39,125 He is going to a sixth form college. 287 00:23:39,292 --> 00:23:42,670 One as far away from you as is humanly possible. 288 00:23:44,256 --> 00:23:46,424 Chop-chop. Bus leaves in 5 minutes. 289 00:24:02,149 --> 00:24:04,984 - Why didn't you tell me? - We didn't wanna ruin your trip. 290 00:24:05,152 --> 00:24:08,028 It's not my trip. It's our trip. 291 00:24:08,613 --> 00:24:11,657 You're right. And if this is our last weekend together, 292 00:24:11,825 --> 00:24:14,910 do you wanna spend it sat here sulking in this vile room? 293 00:24:15,078 --> 00:24:16,454 Don't let her win, sir. 294 00:24:18,748 --> 00:24:21,125 Yeah, you're right. 295 00:24:22,544 --> 00:24:25,963 I took a 2,000 year old bit of dick so that we could go to the pub 296 00:24:26,131 --> 00:24:27,756 ...and go to the pub we shall! 297 00:24:27,924 --> 00:24:29,467 Yes! 298 00:24:29,634 --> 00:24:31,510 How? She's got the exit covered. 299 00:24:37,934 --> 00:24:40,519 Who remembers studying the siege of Troy? 300 00:24:41,188 --> 00:24:43,772 - Who's Troy? - I dunno, but he sounds fit. 301 00:25:17,098 --> 00:25:19,934 The rich get richer. The cuts get deeper. 302 00:25:20,101 --> 00:25:23,562 Hospitals are closing yet Michael Hoye, our MP, 303 00:25:23,730 --> 00:25:26,106 has enough loose change to buy this pub tear it down 304 00:25:26,274 --> 00:25:29,527 and build a gastroabomination for his toff chums. 305 00:25:29,694 --> 00:25:32,530 We been through the courts, signed the petitions. 306 00:25:33,156 --> 00:25:36,242 Let's face it, Russell Brand ain't coming to save us. 307 00:25:36,409 --> 00:25:38,494 The Cornish Liberation Army's dead in the water. 308 00:25:38,662 --> 00:25:41,121 We're the CLA. We don't give up. 309 00:25:41,289 --> 00:25:43,832 - Save it, Pasco. It's hopeless. - Damn it, man. 310 00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:46,585 Cornwall needs independence. Listen to reason. 311 00:25:46,753 --> 00:25:50,339 Call that plan of yours reason? It's a suicide mission. 312 00:25:50,507 --> 00:25:54,301 You'd need the stupidest, most gullible half-wit on God's green earth to ... 313 00:25:54,469 --> 00:25:56,220 Party time! 314 00:26:06,815 --> 00:26:09,149 - Your shirt's inside out. - Thanks. 315 00:26:09,317 --> 00:26:13,362 Now, remember, we're just your average group of local farmers. 316 00:26:13,530 --> 00:26:17,074 - 8 Smirnoff Ices, babe. - He means lager. 317 00:26:18,743 --> 00:26:22,788 We ain't London poofs. We don't drink lager. 318 00:26:23,331 --> 00:26:25,541 Then I guess it's Pimm's O'Clock. 319 00:26:28,003 --> 00:26:29,545 You chaps lost? 320 00:26:33,049 --> 00:26:34,091 No. 321 00:26:34,259 --> 00:26:36,844 Oh, I think you are. 322 00:26:38,597 --> 00:26:40,723 Well I'll be damned. 323 00:26:41,641 --> 00:26:44,435 CLA man, are you? 324 00:26:44,603 --> 00:26:49,398 Yes, I am. 325 00:26:49,816 --> 00:26:51,567 Yes, I bloody am. 326 00:26:51,735 --> 00:26:53,819 CLA till I die. We all are. 327 00:26:53,987 --> 00:26:57,740 Well then, a round of ales for our brothers in arms! 328 00:27:03,830 --> 00:27:06,749 Has anyone seen Keith's moustache? 329 00:27:07,667 --> 00:27:09,501 It's run away. 330 00:27:09,669 --> 00:27:12,713 - Does Port Jago have a gay scene? - Well, there's gay Colin. 331 00:27:14,549 --> 00:27:17,885 - Your gay scene's one gay man? - Colin's not actually a queer. 332 00:27:18,053 --> 00:27:20,304 He asked for a spritzer in 1984. 333 00:27:23,308 --> 00:27:26,852 Oh my God, this dicks all over Shagaluf. 334 00:27:27,437 --> 00:27:31,523 Mum's gonna find us here. Can't we go to Atticus Hoye's house? 335 00:27:31,983 --> 00:27:35,027 It's not a hotel, Joe. Can't just turn up when we want. 336 00:27:35,195 --> 00:27:37,029 The party's tomorrow. 337 00:27:37,906 --> 00:27:39,657 Mind if I take a pew? 338 00:27:40,367 --> 00:27:44,953 Barkeep, a pint of Betty Stogs for my lover. 339 00:27:45,121 --> 00:27:46,705 Coming right up. 340 00:27:51,795 --> 00:27:55,464 Whoa, two steps back, little Miss Marple. So ... 341 00:27:55,632 --> 00:28:00,052 ...these missing children are on a school trip ... 342 00:28:00,220 --> 00:28:04,515 ...and they've disappeared with their teacher. Is that it? 343 00:28:07,018 --> 00:28:11,188 Listen, pen-pusher. If you do not assist me ... 344 00:28:11,606 --> 00:28:17,152 I will hold you down whilst a negligence tribunal straps on the rule book, 345 00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:20,906 strips you naked, parts your buttocks 346 00:28:21,074 --> 00:28:25,202 and buggers you into a dishonourable discharge. 347 00:28:30,375 --> 00:28:34,378 Just ... hold here ... can you hold your thing for a bit, please? 348 00:28:34,546 --> 00:28:37,131 - So you're an actual smuggler? - Yes. 349 00:28:37,298 --> 00:28:41,510 Been Trevelyans smuggling since the glory days of Prussia Cove 350 00:28:41,845 --> 00:28:45,389 and it ain't just cigars. Booze, dirty playing cards ... 351 00:28:45,849 --> 00:28:48,058 marital aids of all shapes and tastes. 352 00:28:48,226 --> 00:28:53,856 I got a deal with a sex shop in Bodmin. Filthy bastards in Bodmin. 353 00:28:54,023 --> 00:28:57,276 Sir, scary Cornish dude. Tits and teeth. 354 00:28:58,528 --> 00:29:00,112 Police! Hide! 355 00:29:04,993 --> 00:29:08,579 - This door is just painted on the wall. - Don't get many girls in here. 356 00:29:25,138 --> 00:29:26,680 Mr Trevelyan. 357 00:29:28,141 --> 00:29:29,683 How's tricks? 358 00:29:29,851 --> 00:29:33,645 Keeping busy, officer. Devil makes work for idle hands. 359 00:29:34,731 --> 00:29:36,774 I'm looking for 7 children. 360 00:29:37,442 --> 00:29:38,984 This look like a nursery? 361 00:29:47,744 --> 00:29:51,997 I don't believe I've had the pleasure. It's an out-of-towner, is it? 362 00:29:54,459 --> 00:29:57,461 Oh, this lad's got Cornish blood running through every vein. 363 00:29:58,463 --> 00:30:00,839 Meet my bastard son. 364 00:30:01,591 --> 00:30:04,092 Conceived in a moment of passion in a faraway port. 365 00:30:06,137 --> 00:30:10,098 I'm just having a few ales here with me old pa. 366 00:30:11,267 --> 00:30:12,810 That port being ... 367 00:30:14,437 --> 00:30:16,814 ...Kingston, Jamaica. 368 00:30:21,694 --> 00:30:27,491 Me gotta love the durty wine. But me also love a little bit of fudge. 369 00:30:30,203 --> 00:30:32,287 The pasty and the rice and ting. 370 00:30:38,253 --> 00:30:39,962 Well, they're not in the pub. 371 00:30:41,923 --> 00:30:44,299 If you want something done right ... 372 00:30:47,804 --> 00:30:49,680 Fitty, 2 o'clock. 373 00:30:52,642 --> 00:30:53,892 The bar. 374 00:30:56,855 --> 00:30:58,981 He so checked me out. 375 00:30:59,148 --> 00:31:01,650 Is that Phoebe Kendall? 376 00:31:02,277 --> 00:31:04,945 Oh my God, I sat next to her in class. 377 00:31:05,113 --> 00:31:07,406 - Shotgun. - No-one is shotgunning her. 378 00:31:07,574 --> 00:31:09,908 - She's not a passenger seat. - Use it or lose it. 379 00:31:10,076 --> 00:31:13,662 I'm not gonna use it. I'm going to go over and say hello to it. 380 00:31:13,830 --> 00:31:15,289 Her. 381 00:31:21,504 --> 00:31:23,589 Work it, sailor. 382 00:31:23,756 --> 00:31:25,299 Gotcha! 383 00:31:32,098 --> 00:31:34,349 Phoebe Kendall. 384 00:31:34,517 --> 00:31:36,935 Of all the gin joints in all the world ... 385 00:31:56,039 --> 00:31:57,623 I'll get you another. 386 00:31:57,790 --> 00:32:00,375 - Do I know you? - Alfie Wickers. 387 00:32:00,960 --> 00:32:02,502 The Wickster. 388 00:32:03,796 --> 00:32:05,464 I had a panic attack at Prize Day. 389 00:32:05,632 --> 00:32:08,342 You're the guy that chundered on Sir Steve Redgrave. 390 00:32:08,509 --> 00:32:11,511 Collecting the fencing cup. I like to finish that story on a high. 391 00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:15,098 Yo, what's the deal with this guy? 392 00:32:16,100 --> 00:32:17,684 That would be Mick Gwynn. 393 00:32:17,852 --> 00:32:22,064 Says he'll buy a round for the man who moves the blade quicker than he. 394 00:32:22,231 --> 00:32:24,399 Ain't got his wallet out for 30 year. 395 00:32:25,735 --> 00:32:27,277 Oh, yeah? 396 00:32:29,030 --> 00:32:31,239 - No, Alfie. - Go on, sir. 397 00:32:32,158 --> 00:32:34,701 Yeah, go on, Albert. 398 00:32:40,792 --> 00:32:45,087 Please, for once, listen to me. This is a terrible error of judgement. 399 00:32:45,672 --> 00:32:48,465 Joe, it's an old confidence trick. 400 00:32:50,677 --> 00:32:52,386 The blade's plastic. 401 00:32:56,516 --> 00:32:58,558 This shit about to get cray. 402 00:32:59,185 --> 00:33:02,688 This shit about to get fifty shades of cray. 403 00:33:06,317 --> 00:33:09,653 Yo, gay Colin, hustler needs your bandana. 404 00:33:11,072 --> 00:33:12,781 It's blindfolding time. 405 00:33:57,452 --> 00:34:00,412 My hand, my hand! 406 00:34:00,580 --> 00:34:03,498 Don't worry, buddy, it's just a little flesh wound. 407 00:34:06,210 --> 00:34:08,503 We need alcohol to sterilise it. 408 00:34:10,506 --> 00:34:11,715 Not Guinness! 409 00:34:35,615 --> 00:34:37,324 Susan! 410 00:34:42,080 --> 00:34:44,623 Go upstairs and pack. We leave at 7 a.m. sharp. 411 00:34:44,791 --> 00:34:46,875 - Hand in your telephones. - You witch! 412 00:34:47,043 --> 00:34:48,210 Zip it, Dorothy! 413 00:34:49,754 --> 00:34:52,214 What am I gonna do without my phone? 414 00:34:52,381 --> 00:34:54,508 Don't go on my Snapchat. 415 00:34:56,677 --> 00:34:58,845 There's no reception anyway. 416 00:34:59,013 --> 00:35:03,517 Indeed, Mr Wickers. For you, a stay of execution. 417 00:35:03,684 --> 00:35:06,812 You know, instead of filming it, you could have stopped your son getting stabbed. 418 00:35:07,772 --> 00:35:08,814 By me. 419 00:35:08,981 --> 00:35:10,607 But I didn't want to. 420 00:35:11,109 --> 00:35:14,736 After tonight, you will never teach again. 421 00:35:14,904 --> 00:35:17,531 Why are you so desperate to get me fired? 422 00:35:17,698 --> 00:35:20,700 Come, Mr Wickers, dream a little bigger. 423 00:35:20,868 --> 00:35:22,869 You're not a Bond villain. 424 00:35:23,037 --> 00:35:27,082 No, the real challenge was this, how to destroy a friendship. 425 00:35:28,042 --> 00:35:29,918 How can you do this to Joe? 426 00:35:30,294 --> 00:35:35,382 Because it is my job to protect him, whether he likes it or not. 427 00:35:36,259 --> 00:35:40,470 I'm not some emotional retard who's so desperate to be liked ... 428 00:35:40,638 --> 00:35:44,933 ...that he manipulates children into a pathetic imitation of friendship! 429 00:35:45,101 --> 00:35:48,562 Presumably because he has no real friends of his own! 430 00:35:51,649 --> 00:35:55,986 I think it might be best if you go home separately tomorrow, Mr Wickers. 431 00:35:57,780 --> 00:36:01,408 We don't want to prolong the tearful goodbyes. 432 00:36:30,605 --> 00:36:33,064 Steady, lad. Careful with her now. 433 00:36:59,592 --> 00:37:02,844 Hey, buddy. Do you want some vodka? 434 00:37:07,308 --> 00:37:09,351 Really sorry for stabbing you. 435 00:37:11,437 --> 00:37:14,314 It's fine. I'll have a cool scar. 436 00:37:14,482 --> 00:37:16,149 I think I just freaked out a bit. 437 00:37:16,943 --> 00:37:18,610 You guys leaving and ... 438 00:37:18,778 --> 00:37:21,363 Look, I'm not definitely leaving. 439 00:37:21,530 --> 00:37:26,243 The sixth form college say I need Cs in English, Maths and History, so ... 440 00:37:26,410 --> 00:37:29,037 Well you might fail History. I taught you. 441 00:37:31,249 --> 00:37:35,335 I guess we've just gotta hope and pray that you fuck that exam. 442 00:37:36,045 --> 00:37:37,754 Yeah, touch wood. 443 00:37:39,423 --> 00:37:43,426 Sorry my mum ruined the trip. Everyone was so excited about the house party. 444 00:37:45,763 --> 00:37:47,639 About your mum. 445 00:37:48,516 --> 00:37:52,769 What would you say to her being slipped some crushed-up sleeping pills 446 00:37:52,937 --> 00:37:56,022 popped in a trunk, given to some smugglers and dumped in France? 447 00:37:56,190 --> 00:37:58,817 No! Absolutely not. 448 00:37:59,360 --> 00:38:01,695 You do realise she is my actual mother? 449 00:38:03,114 --> 00:38:05,991 Joe, Joe, Joe ... 450 00:38:06,158 --> 00:38:09,619 Do you really think I would have told you all of this 451 00:38:09,787 --> 00:38:12,372 if the wheels weren't already in motion? 452 00:38:18,254 --> 00:38:21,047 Alfie, are you insane? 453 00:38:23,551 --> 00:38:28,388 She'll be fine. Pasco is gonna be extra careful with her. He promised me. 454 00:38:28,556 --> 00:38:30,849 What? The guy you just met promised you? 455 00:38:31,017 --> 00:38:34,686 She's filming everything on her glasses. She'll destroy you. 456 00:38:36,355 --> 00:38:38,064 Now, let's get our story straight. 457 00:38:38,232 --> 00:38:41,651 I reckon the Suster lands up in France after an all-night Shagathon 458 00:38:41,819 --> 00:38:45,113 with a really, really desperate fisherman. Capiche? 459 00:38:45,281 --> 00:38:46,656 Unbelievable. 460 00:38:46,824 --> 00:38:49,326 Ding dong the witch is dead. What we gonna do now? 461 00:38:51,203 --> 00:38:52,871 Who's up for a strip club? 462 00:39:12,391 --> 00:39:14,934 There you go, my lovelies. 463 00:39:17,355 --> 00:39:22,192 So, this Hoye shindig. Reckon you can get me past security? 464 00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:25,445 Might be tricky. Already taking a plus 7. 465 00:39:25,780 --> 00:39:29,074 Only your pal Atticus has put in a little order with me. 466 00:39:29,492 --> 00:39:31,659 Party supplies, if you know what I mean. 467 00:39:32,370 --> 00:39:33,912 Classic Atticus. 468 00:39:34,080 --> 00:39:37,082 Problem is, I'm a watched man in these parts. 469 00:39:37,917 --> 00:39:40,085 I can't make a delivery with that heat on me. 470 00:39:40,878 --> 00:39:43,088 Well, I could deliver it. 471 00:39:43,255 --> 00:39:45,131 What, you'd do that for me? 472 00:39:46,759 --> 00:39:48,301 You did me a favour. 473 00:39:48,844 --> 00:39:51,679 I feel so lucky to have a pal like you. 474 00:39:55,935 --> 00:39:59,938 Please welcome Port Jago's finest dancer. 475 00:40:00,689 --> 00:40:02,941 Brace yourself for Peggy Sue. 476 00:40:18,124 --> 00:40:20,417 Right, I can't watch this any more. 477 00:40:21,419 --> 00:40:24,045 - I'm sick of seeing this. - Put them away. 478 00:40:24,922 --> 00:40:29,259 So, it turns out the CLA is a Cornish cartel 479 00:40:29,427 --> 00:40:31,136 and Pasco is a drug baron. 480 00:40:31,679 --> 00:40:33,763 - We're leaving. - He has asked very sweetly 481 00:40:33,931 --> 00:40:38,184 if I/we could pop over a teeny bit of weed to the party tomorrow. 482 00:40:39,395 --> 00:40:43,189 Come on, Jing. He did me a favour. You know the saying, 'I scratch your back ...' 483 00:40:43,357 --> 00:40:45,567 You turn 7 children into drug mules? 484 00:40:47,111 --> 00:40:51,698 It's not like we're smoking any of it. We're just delivering it. Like Ocado. 485 00:40:53,325 --> 00:40:59,289 Guys, time for a little life lesson. Who is the most popular guy at a house party? 486 00:40:59,665 --> 00:41:02,083 - The guy with the bongos? - No, Joe. 487 00:41:02,251 --> 00:41:03,793 He's the least popular person. 488 00:41:04,295 --> 00:41:06,421 The guy with the supply. 489 00:41:18,058 --> 00:41:20,852 - Not with the arse. - Oh my God! 490 00:41:38,120 --> 00:41:39,662 My coccyx! 491 00:41:52,676 --> 00:41:55,011 Joe, Joe, Joe ... 492 00:42:14,240 --> 00:42:16,115 Wickers! 493 00:42:18,536 --> 00:42:20,370 We've got a situation, people. 494 00:42:20,538 --> 00:42:24,165 I have told the PE teacher a million times. Touch rugby, fine. 495 00:42:24,333 --> 00:42:26,167 Touch swimming, letters. 496 00:42:26,335 --> 00:42:30,046 We've lost contact with the Cornwall trip and the PTA want answers, fast. 497 00:42:30,214 --> 00:42:33,007 Alfie has enraged the deadliest enemy of them all. 498 00:42:33,509 --> 00:42:35,927 - Women of a certain age. - Correct. 499 00:42:36,095 --> 00:42:38,721 Mumsnet have put down their massive glasses of wine 500 00:42:38,889 --> 00:42:40,431 and picked up their pitchforks. 501 00:42:40,599 --> 00:42:42,392 Then we need to find him before they do. 502 00:42:42,560 --> 00:42:46,521 We've got 24 hours until those children are legally classified as missing. 503 00:42:46,689 --> 00:42:50,942 Martino, soup up your thermos and grab your Best of Shakin' Stevens. 504 00:42:51,402 --> 00:42:53,403 It's road trippin' time. 505 00:42:56,323 --> 00:43:00,326 Ah, Woody Bay beach. I used to catch crabs there every summer. 506 00:43:01,120 --> 00:43:03,329 I wonder if Alice Hubble still works there? 507 00:43:04,248 --> 00:43:08,459 Look, this isn't a jolly. Alfie's future is in our hands. 508 00:43:10,588 --> 00:43:14,007 Can you stop playing Christmas music? It's fucking June. 509 00:43:16,343 --> 00:43:19,929 Wrong time of the month for Christmas music. 510 00:43:33,902 --> 00:43:35,570 Guys, wake up. 511 00:43:38,782 --> 00:43:42,910 Sorry I had to scarper, time and tide wait for no man. 512 00:43:43,245 --> 00:43:44,912 Now listen very carefully. 513 00:43:45,080 --> 00:43:49,208 Outside you'll find a van with a package inside for tonight's party. 514 00:43:49,376 --> 00:43:52,378 When you want me to pick you up, call this number. 515 00:43:52,755 --> 00:43:55,131 Your mate, Pasco. 516 00:43:58,802 --> 00:44:02,013 I spy with my little eye ... 517 00:44:02,640 --> 00:44:05,850 ...something beginning with S. 518 00:44:06,018 --> 00:44:07,560 Rhymes with ... 519 00:44:09,146 --> 00:44:10,772 ...brie. 520 00:44:11,523 --> 00:44:13,483 - Sea? - Correct. 521 00:44:13,651 --> 00:44:15,610 - Do another one. - I spy ... 522 00:44:15,778 --> 00:44:19,280 ...with my little eye something beginning with ... 523 00:44:20,491 --> 00:44:27,163 ...S again. Rhymes with ... breering wheel. 524 00:44:28,123 --> 00:44:29,666 - Steering wheel? - Correct. 525 00:44:29,833 --> 00:44:34,420 Please, put the music on! Put the fucking music back on! 526 00:44:56,485 --> 00:44:59,862 Angleterre? Merci, merci. 527 00:45:36,567 --> 00:45:39,986 Hi. Excuse me, those policemen ... 528 00:45:40,154 --> 00:45:42,613 Looking for a teacher what put a woman in a box. 529 00:45:42,781 --> 00:45:45,867 Police say he's been mixing with undesirables. 530 00:45:47,119 --> 00:45:48,786 Look, a helicopter tour. 531 00:45:49,955 --> 00:45:51,748 And who are these undesirables? 532 00:45:53,417 --> 00:45:56,461 - Pasco. - Will you keep your mouth shut, Tom?! 533 00:45:57,546 --> 00:46:01,299 - Where can I find this Pasco? - Wherever the wind takes him. 534 00:46:02,009 --> 00:46:04,218 Anything I could put into Google Maps? 535 00:46:04,386 --> 00:46:07,388 Wherever he lays his hat is his home. 536 00:46:09,349 --> 00:46:11,100 Strip club. 537 00:46:12,102 --> 00:46:14,604 Yo Ho Ho's or Teaser's Palace? 538 00:46:28,202 --> 00:46:30,077 Susan, what are you doing? 539 00:46:30,245 --> 00:46:31,871 Raising an army. 540 00:46:47,721 --> 00:46:50,431 It's like a castle. 541 00:46:50,599 --> 00:46:52,725 I thought you said your mate lived on an estate. 542 00:48:02,838 --> 00:48:07,216 Well, Dick Shittington, if it isn't Alfie Wickers. 543 00:48:08,427 --> 00:48:10,177 Great to see you, mate. 544 00:48:11,471 --> 00:48:14,599 Guys, meet your host, Mr Atticus Hoye. 545 00:48:14,975 --> 00:48:17,018 Mi casa tu casa. 546 00:48:17,185 --> 00:48:19,729 Sorry, bruv, we don't speak Hogwarts. 547 00:48:20,981 --> 00:48:24,525 - So where are your folks? - Daddy doesn't really do Cornwall. 548 00:48:24,693 --> 00:48:29,530 Doesn't like getting the Aston dirty. How about you, bro? Still fencing? 549 00:48:30,407 --> 00:48:32,533 God, I miss going tip-to-tip with you. 550 00:48:36,538 --> 00:48:38,539 Ooh, here comes trouble. Here's the lads. 551 00:48:38,707 --> 00:48:42,585 Ludo, The Shep, Digby, Orlando, Tarquin and Dave. 552 00:48:42,753 --> 00:48:44,045 Short for Earl of Daventry. 553 00:48:44,880 --> 00:48:46,839 Toby-Jug is absolutely mullered. 554 00:48:47,007 --> 00:48:50,718 He just took Binky down to the ha-ha and spooged on her pashmina. 555 00:48:50,886 --> 00:48:53,179 Do these guys come with subtitles? 556 00:48:53,347 --> 00:48:56,432 - Classic pube or dare. - What's pube or dare? 557 00:48:56,600 --> 00:48:58,517 Either you do a dare or one of the lads holds you down 558 00:48:58,685 --> 00:49:00,603 and rips out a handful of your pubes. 559 00:49:00,771 --> 00:49:02,855 It's a very famous parlour game. 560 00:49:03,023 --> 00:49:05,066 Live by the pube, die by the pube. 561 00:49:05,233 --> 00:49:07,610 You must have told them about Shagaluf? 562 00:49:07,778 --> 00:49:10,529 Literally the funniest pube or dare ever. 563 00:49:10,697 --> 00:49:12,114 Shall we get a drink? 564 00:49:12,282 --> 00:49:16,577 So basically me and the boys booked Shagaluf. And then this knobber ... 565 00:49:17,579 --> 00:49:22,124 Wait, sorry, man, I'm totally raping your vibe. This is your story, you tell it. 566 00:49:22,292 --> 00:49:24,001 - Do I ... - Tell it, Dickers. 567 00:49:26,964 --> 00:49:30,216 Well, the guys thought it would be really funny 568 00:49:30,384 --> 00:49:33,844 to tell me that our leavers' trip was to Sierra Leone. 569 00:49:34,012 --> 00:49:36,013 So my dad booked me a flight there. 570 00:49:36,640 --> 00:49:38,265 Boys went to Spain. 571 00:49:38,433 --> 00:49:40,643 I had a lovely week in Bumbuna. 572 00:49:42,270 --> 00:49:43,980 He got ebola. 573 00:49:44,147 --> 00:49:46,107 - Nearly died. - Jokes. 574 00:49:46,274 --> 00:49:49,902 - How is that a dare? - They dared me not to tell my parents. 575 00:49:52,614 --> 00:49:55,408 Could I have a quick word? Sorry, it's just ... 576 00:49:57,244 --> 00:50:00,538 Just to say, your delivery is out front. 577 00:50:01,039 --> 00:50:03,040 Pasco sends his regards. 578 00:50:04,084 --> 00:50:05,626 Right. 579 00:50:07,963 --> 00:50:09,505 Oh dear. 580 00:50:10,048 --> 00:50:11,590 Pube or dare? 581 00:50:11,758 --> 00:50:16,137 Pube or dare? Pube or dare? Pube or dare? 582 00:50:37,284 --> 00:50:42,163 Sorry to cock block the hoonage but Mr Alfred Wickers ... 583 00:50:42,914 --> 00:50:45,416 ...is about to make pube or dare history. 584 00:51:04,811 --> 00:51:08,272 - What are you making him do exactly? - Teabag a swan. 585 00:51:09,649 --> 00:51:11,734 Well, this got weird quickly. 586 00:51:41,306 --> 00:51:43,974 This is the stuff of legend. 587 00:51:51,983 --> 00:51:53,609 Smile! 588 00:52:13,547 --> 00:52:15,089 Sir, stay still! 589 00:52:16,883 --> 00:52:18,175 Mitchell! 590 00:52:18,343 --> 00:52:22,221 Lord. Sheppy, put him out of his misery. 591 00:52:22,389 --> 00:52:24,515 Sheppy incoming! 592 00:52:28,937 --> 00:52:31,397 Right, hey, gang. Everyone back inside. 593 00:52:31,565 --> 00:52:33,607 Monty's gonna play his bongos. 594 00:52:57,007 --> 00:52:59,592 Are your mates always that mean to you? 595 00:52:59,759 --> 00:53:03,304 It's called character-building, Joe. It's a public school thing. 596 00:53:14,107 --> 00:53:16,483 Hey. That was jokes. 597 00:53:17,485 --> 00:53:19,737 Do you wanna coch with me, smash a doobie? 598 00:53:20,447 --> 00:53:24,366 Yeah. Wanna smash that doobie so hard it goes to stay 599 00:53:24,534 --> 00:53:27,620 with its mother until I agree to get counselling. 600 00:53:29,206 --> 00:53:30,873 - Shall we? - Yeah. 601 00:53:42,093 --> 00:53:43,844 Babe ... 602 00:53:47,015 --> 00:53:49,058 So, you and Atticus ... 603 00:53:49,893 --> 00:53:55,147 Oh, it's chill. I mean, we sleep together but we're not exclusive. 604 00:53:56,483 --> 00:53:58,192 Yeah, I mean, I totally dig. 605 00:53:58,693 --> 00:54:00,861 I had a similar situation going on. 606 00:54:01,738 --> 00:54:07,284 Not with Atticus, obviously. Although, sometimes after fencing practice, we ... 607 00:54:08,578 --> 00:54:11,080 Wait here. I've got you a surprise. 608 00:54:31,685 --> 00:54:33,227 Phoebe? 609 00:54:35,480 --> 00:54:37,022 Phoebe? 610 00:54:42,320 --> 00:54:44,363 These poor, poor women. 611 00:54:45,949 --> 00:54:50,661 We would find Alfie so much quicker if only we had a bird's-eye view. 612 00:54:51,997 --> 00:54:54,039 What was Alfie doing in here? 613 00:54:54,207 --> 00:54:56,834 - Hello, stranger. - Hello, total stranger. 614 00:54:57,002 --> 00:54:58,961 Must be confusing me with someone else. 615 00:55:00,255 --> 00:55:03,132 Martin Wickers, as I live and breathe. 616 00:55:03,300 --> 00:55:04,508 Usual, squire? 617 00:55:05,468 --> 00:55:08,220 Excuse me. Hi. We're looking for a man. 618 00:55:08,388 --> 00:55:12,224 6 foot 1, blue eyes, thick Jamaican accent? 619 00:55:12,392 --> 00:55:13,934 I think you'd better come with us. 620 00:55:18,481 --> 00:55:19,940 Evening. 621 00:55:20,108 --> 00:55:21,650 See you, mate. 622 00:55:30,201 --> 00:55:33,287 - Did you see his face? - It's classic Dickers, babe. 623 00:55:37,334 --> 00:55:38,834 Where's sir? 624 00:55:39,002 --> 00:55:40,502 Alfie? 625 00:55:40,670 --> 00:55:43,797 - FML, Chantelle, you're my BFF. - Stop talking like a text message! 626 00:55:43,965 --> 00:55:46,675 - You stole my man! - Babe, he is gay! 627 00:55:46,843 --> 00:55:48,218 That's not the point! 628 00:55:48,386 --> 00:55:50,721 Guys, I'm over here. 629 00:55:55,310 --> 00:55:56,810 Got cabbaged. 630 00:55:57,562 --> 00:55:58,645 Brilliant. 631 00:55:58,813 --> 00:56:00,814 Let me guess. Public school thing? 632 00:56:01,441 --> 00:56:02,816 Yeah. 633 00:56:04,736 --> 00:56:07,780 Please tell me you can see they ain't your mates, bruv. 634 00:56:07,947 --> 00:56:10,574 - What are you on about? - You're being bullied, sir. 635 00:56:11,659 --> 00:56:13,577 Seriously, pube or dare? 636 00:56:13,745 --> 00:56:15,954 Let me tell you something about pube or dare. 637 00:56:16,122 --> 00:56:20,000 Yes, every time The Shep yanked out a fistful of my pubic hair, it hurt. 638 00:56:20,168 --> 00:56:22,127 But at least they wanted to hang out with me. 639 00:56:22,295 --> 00:56:24,046 It's always about you, isn't it? 640 00:56:24,214 --> 00:56:27,049 Always about me? You're the selfish ones for abandoning me. 641 00:56:27,217 --> 00:56:31,220 - Some more selfish than others. - Get over yourself. I am no accessory. 642 00:56:31,388 --> 00:56:34,139 Can we go in? I was about to get nuts deep in some posh bird. 643 00:56:34,307 --> 00:56:36,183 - Shut up. - This holiday wasn't about us. 644 00:56:36,351 --> 00:56:39,686 You used us as an excuse to relive a trip that you didn't even go on. 645 00:56:39,854 --> 00:56:41,897 - Who wants a kebab? - Stop protecting him! 646 00:56:42,065 --> 00:56:44,400 Don't have a go at Joe just for being loyal, Jing! 647 00:56:44,567 --> 00:56:48,153 Oh, you helmet. If he's so loyal, how come he's had a history tutor all year? 648 00:56:52,826 --> 00:56:54,451 What? 649 00:56:56,121 --> 00:56:57,287 Please don't overreact. 650 00:56:57,455 --> 00:56:59,748 You've been seeing another man behind my back? 651 00:57:01,000 --> 00:57:03,085 - Who is he? - It didn't mean anything. 652 00:57:03,253 --> 00:57:04,795 What would you say if I was like 653 00:57:04,963 --> 00:57:08,799 "After school, I pay for another boy to come round and be my special friend?". 654 00:57:08,967 --> 00:57:11,260 I'd totally buy that. 655 00:57:11,428 --> 00:57:13,429 I am sick of all you traitors! 656 00:57:14,973 --> 00:57:18,350 - Alfie, what are you doing? - I am calling Pasco. 657 00:57:18,810 --> 00:57:21,520 The only person that I can trust. 658 00:57:37,996 --> 00:57:39,246 Get in! 659 00:57:50,049 --> 00:57:53,802 The explosion at Tory MP Michael Hoye's house 660 00:57:53,970 --> 00:57:58,223 has been linked to an extremist group fighting for Cornish independence. 661 00:57:58,391 --> 00:58:00,517 Did I just blow up my best friend's house? 662 00:58:00,685 --> 00:58:04,563 Oh, you did more than that, brother. The fire rises. 663 00:58:11,446 --> 00:58:15,157 - Are you gonna kill us? - Oh, you're no use to me dead. 664 00:58:15,325 --> 00:58:17,784 Right. Who are you? 665 00:58:17,952 --> 00:58:23,123 Pasco Trevelyan. Head of militant Cornish Nationalist group the CLA. 666 00:58:23,291 --> 00:58:24,958 The Cornish Liberation Army. 667 00:58:25,126 --> 00:58:27,794 - And you are? - Interpol. Counter-terrorism. 668 00:58:27,962 --> 00:58:30,756 Now for years, we thought the CLA lay dormant. 669 00:58:30,924 --> 00:58:35,093 Tonight, all that changed, thanks to this man. 670 00:58:35,887 --> 00:58:37,638 Intelligence indicates that 671 00:58:37,805 --> 00:58:40,807 Wickers has been radicalised by a Cornish preacher of hate. 672 00:58:40,975 --> 00:58:43,227 Alfie? He hasn't got a violent bone in his body. 673 00:58:43,394 --> 00:58:45,896 The Alfie Wickers you knew is dead. 674 00:58:46,064 --> 00:58:48,607 Why, God?! 675 00:58:48,775 --> 00:58:51,193 Right, that was a figure of speech. As you were. 676 00:58:51,361 --> 00:58:52,986 Thankfully there were no fatalities. 677 00:58:53,613 --> 00:58:56,949 That doesn't change the cold hard fact that Wickers is a terrorist. 678 00:58:57,116 --> 00:59:00,869 And we need to know everything. Who he talks to. What he reads. 679 00:59:01,037 --> 00:59:03,872 Does he have any links with the Middle East? 680 00:59:04,040 --> 00:59:05,582 Oh, he likes falafel. 681 00:59:05,750 --> 00:59:08,752 Likes falafel. 682 00:59:12,173 --> 00:59:16,927 We've hacked into a social media account connected to the suspect's terror cell. 683 00:59:17,095 --> 00:59:19,429 Terror cell? What, you mean his class? 684 00:59:23,226 --> 00:59:24,601 Well, that doesn't prove anything. 685 00:59:42,328 --> 00:59:45,122 Pasco ... look, take me, not them. 686 00:59:45,290 --> 00:59:48,250 They're just kids. Look, at least let me just call their parents. 687 00:59:53,923 --> 00:59:57,843 - They could be tracking us. - I mean, it has an airplane mode. 688 00:59:59,053 --> 01:00:00,596 I hadn't backed up. 689 01:00:00,763 --> 01:00:02,222 Move! 690 01:00:02,724 --> 01:00:06,602 You're right. They might be looking for us which is why we should act as a decoy. 691 01:00:06,769 --> 01:00:10,564 They may be looking, petal. But they'll be looking in the wrong place. 692 01:00:10,732 --> 01:00:13,609 I sent them on a merry goose chase. 693 01:00:14,277 --> 01:00:15,819 Who are you people? 694 01:00:16,195 --> 01:00:19,615 The Cornish Liberation Army. 695 01:00:27,582 --> 01:00:29,708 This was the scene earlier in Cornwall. 696 01:00:29,876 --> 01:00:31,918 Sir, you're on the telly. 697 01:00:32,962 --> 01:00:35,797 Yeah, I know. Wickers was always a bit of a loner. 698 01:00:35,965 --> 01:00:39,551 You know, kept himself to himself. Daddy, you never liked him, did you? 699 01:00:39,719 --> 01:00:42,596 Always showing up at the house pretending we'd invited him. 700 01:00:42,764 --> 01:00:46,725 We repeat. These men are dangerous and should not be approached. 701 01:00:46,893 --> 01:00:48,769 If you have any information, please call ... 702 01:00:48,936 --> 01:00:51,146 The revolution has begun. 703 01:00:51,314 --> 01:00:54,107 Best school trip ever. 704 01:01:05,244 --> 01:01:07,037 Time for Phase 2. 705 01:01:07,205 --> 01:01:08,747 Dare I ask what that entails? 706 01:01:09,666 --> 01:01:11,875 I could set us up a petition on change.org. 707 01:01:12,043 --> 01:01:14,753 We are gonna loose a tide of blood. 708 01:01:16,214 --> 01:01:19,007 - How does a revolution succeed? - Peaceful negotiation. 709 01:01:19,175 --> 01:01:20,801 The armed seizure of the means of production. 710 01:01:20,968 --> 01:01:23,512 - Really? - Yes, young Smee. 711 01:01:23,888 --> 01:01:27,683 Control the money, control the people. Then they'll have to listen to us. 712 01:01:27,850 --> 01:01:29,935 And what's Cornwall's biggest industry? 713 01:01:30,103 --> 01:01:32,688 - Inbreeding? - Racism? - Mullets? - Pasties? 714 01:01:32,855 --> 01:01:34,064 Clotted cream? 715 01:01:34,941 --> 01:01:37,901 - Tourism. - Correct, Lotus Blossom. 716 01:01:38,069 --> 01:01:41,613 We're gonna take back this county's most important attraction. 717 01:01:41,781 --> 01:01:43,323 Move out, lads! 718 01:01:55,253 --> 01:01:57,754 The Eden Project. The CLA's next target. 719 01:01:57,922 --> 01:02:00,924 We've had it confirmed by a number of sources from the local community. 720 01:02:01,092 --> 01:02:03,009 - Let me talk to him. - Too late. 721 01:02:03,177 --> 01:02:05,512 His actions have left me only one option. 722 01:02:05,680 --> 01:02:07,264 Helicopter manhunt! 723 01:02:07,432 --> 01:02:08,765 - Yes! - No! 724 01:02:10,309 --> 01:02:13,437 We need to neutralise that threat before anyone else gets hurt. 725 01:02:14,313 --> 01:02:15,605 It's show time! 726 01:02:20,069 --> 01:02:23,071 A real rain is coming and it's gonna wash this county clean! 727 01:02:29,162 --> 01:02:31,913 Confirming a positive ID matching the suspect's description. 728 01:02:32,081 --> 01:02:33,623 Move! 729 01:02:37,253 --> 01:02:41,006 - Stand aside, move out the way! - Move to the side of the path! 730 01:02:43,259 --> 01:02:45,135 Welcome to the jungle. 731 01:02:58,232 --> 01:03:00,525 You can't use force. He has rights. 732 01:03:15,917 --> 01:03:17,375 Oh my God, it's them. 733 01:03:22,215 --> 01:03:24,174 Red Team in position. 734 01:03:25,510 --> 01:03:28,220 They're not going to the Eden Project! 735 01:03:28,387 --> 01:03:30,013 Permission to engage? 736 01:03:34,101 --> 01:03:35,727 It's not them, I tell you! 737 01:03:35,895 --> 01:03:38,980 - What makes you so sure of that? - Because I ... 738 01:03:41,359 --> 01:03:43,276 ...feel it in my waters. 739 01:03:44,862 --> 01:03:46,947 Engage at will! 740 01:03:47,114 --> 01:03:49,449 You can't! Alfie! Alfie! 741 01:03:50,284 --> 01:03:52,661 - Red Team engage. - No! 742 01:03:55,832 --> 01:03:57,666 You see, it's not him! 743 01:04:01,295 --> 01:04:02,838 Scheiße! 744 01:04:07,969 --> 01:04:10,428 Negative, sir, it's not our suspect. 745 01:04:31,284 --> 01:04:33,285 The castle is now closed. 746 01:04:37,290 --> 01:04:39,583 The castle is now ... Excuse me, sir. 747 01:04:40,585 --> 01:04:43,003 I said that the castle is now closed. You can't ... 748 01:04:46,632 --> 01:04:48,216 This is a lock-in! 749 01:04:49,760 --> 01:04:52,137 Let the games begin. 750 01:04:56,225 --> 01:04:57,559 They're at Penleven Castle! 751 01:04:58,060 --> 01:04:59,978 Another tip-off from your waters, is it? 752 01:05:00,146 --> 01:05:01,813 Escort this woman out of here. 753 01:05:02,481 --> 01:05:04,983 - Take her away, boys. - Right, get them all out! 754 01:05:06,360 --> 01:05:09,613 Unhand me! Joe's got a chip in his neck. 755 01:05:09,780 --> 01:05:11,072 What? 756 01:05:11,616 --> 01:05:14,075 A few years ago, Joe had his appendix out. 757 01:05:14,827 --> 01:05:18,163 Whilst he was under I had them pop a chip in his neck. 758 01:05:21,000 --> 01:05:24,002 - He's not a dog, Susan. - A lot of mothers do it! 759 01:05:25,630 --> 01:05:27,172 Don't they? 760 01:05:38,726 --> 01:05:44,314 All of Cornwall is here. Young, old, men, women. White ... 761 01:05:45,900 --> 01:05:48,193 You've united the clans. 762 01:05:48,778 --> 01:05:51,947 Pasco was right, the CLA needed new blood. 763 01:05:52,114 --> 01:05:55,408 You're exciting, brave, and you don't have buggers' grips. 764 01:05:55,576 --> 01:05:58,244 Look, I'd love to be your Che Guevara. 765 01:05:58,412 --> 01:06:01,456 The only slight problem is, I'm not actually Cornish. 766 01:06:01,624 --> 01:06:05,210 Che Guevara wasn't actually Cuban. He was born in Argentina. 767 01:06:05,378 --> 01:06:06,962 Would you give it a rest? 768 01:06:07,129 --> 01:06:10,006 I tricked you into planting the bomb, but they don't know that. 769 01:06:10,174 --> 01:06:14,386 We got the fortress, soldiers, weeks of supplies. 770 01:06:14,553 --> 01:06:17,472 We can see this through to the last drop of blood. 771 01:06:18,265 --> 01:06:21,393 All we need is a charismatic leader. 772 01:06:21,560 --> 01:06:24,062 Yeah, right. You keep using this word 'leader' ... 773 01:06:24,230 --> 01:06:26,523 Speak to them. Inspire them. 774 01:06:26,691 --> 01:06:31,069 I hear the Jihadiwaddys tell their lot they'll get a 72 year old virgin. 775 01:06:32,363 --> 01:06:34,114 It's 72 virgins. 776 01:06:34,281 --> 01:06:36,574 See? That's why you're good at this. 777 01:06:38,619 --> 01:06:40,704 Okay, fine. I'll speak to them. 778 01:06:40,871 --> 01:06:44,207 Before I do, maybe you could go on, get the crowd warmed up a bit? 779 01:06:44,375 --> 01:06:46,584 Then I'll come on and knock it out the park. 780 01:06:46,752 --> 01:06:48,253 You're the boss. 781 01:06:49,422 --> 01:06:51,423 People of Cornwall. 782 01:06:51,590 --> 01:06:53,717 Right, come on, we're getting out of here. 783 01:06:58,681 --> 01:07:00,849 Sir, where the hell are we going?! 784 01:07:01,017 --> 01:07:03,560 I've got this. They've barricaded us in, 785 01:07:03,728 --> 01:07:05,562 so I need to send out a distress signal. 786 01:07:05,730 --> 01:07:06,855 Stand back. 787 01:07:07,023 --> 01:07:10,233 The hour of reckoning is upon us! 788 01:07:10,401 --> 01:07:14,863 It's time to rid ourselves of those Westminster bastards once and for all! 789 01:07:16,657 --> 01:07:21,119 Look, our leader is burning the symbol of the oppressor. 790 01:07:21,287 --> 01:07:23,163 Alfie. 791 01:07:23,330 --> 01:07:25,040 No, I wasn't. 792 01:07:25,207 --> 01:07:26,750 It was a mistake. 793 01:07:26,917 --> 01:07:29,836 - Alfie, Alfie, Alfie ... - Stop chanting. 794 01:07:30,546 --> 01:07:32,088 I didn't mean to. 795 01:07:33,299 --> 01:07:36,426 Alfie, Alfie, Alfie ... 796 01:07:46,979 --> 01:07:48,897 Sorry. Sorry. 797 01:08:10,044 --> 01:08:12,420 - Are we gonna die, sir? - Of course not. 798 01:08:14,048 --> 01:08:15,381 But just in case we do ... 799 01:08:17,343 --> 01:08:19,719 ...I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry. 800 01:08:19,887 --> 01:08:22,347 You were right about Atticus and that lot. 801 01:08:22,848 --> 01:08:24,390 They aren't my friends. 802 01:08:25,351 --> 01:08:26,893 You guys are. 803 01:08:28,395 --> 01:08:29,979 And now I'm losing you. 804 01:08:30,773 --> 01:08:33,900 We're all in the same boat, sir. It's not just you. 805 01:08:35,611 --> 01:08:38,029 We're saying goodbye to each other. 806 01:08:42,993 --> 01:08:45,537 I'm sorry for all those things I said, babe. 807 01:08:45,704 --> 01:08:48,873 I was embarrassed and I took it out on you. BFFs? 808 01:08:49,041 --> 01:08:53,294 BFFs. Oh God, I look so minging when I cry. 809 01:08:53,879 --> 01:08:57,799 What have I done? I'm literally the worst teacher ever. 810 01:08:58,509 --> 01:09:00,218 You're a great teacher. 811 01:09:01,220 --> 01:09:03,471 Different, but great. 812 01:09:04,431 --> 01:09:08,685 Yes. You taught us things we weren't never not going to learn nowhere else. 813 01:09:09,353 --> 01:09:13,148 Wow, that was like a quadruple negative ... 814 01:09:13,774 --> 01:09:15,525 ...but thanks. 815 01:09:17,653 --> 01:09:20,405 Every day at school I was bullied or ignored. 816 01:09:21,615 --> 01:09:26,286 But ... your classroom was the only place I always felt safe. 817 01:09:28,581 --> 01:09:33,668 You're the first person to make me feel like I was somebody worth talking to. 818 01:09:40,301 --> 01:09:41,634 I'm a virgin. 819 01:09:44,054 --> 01:09:46,806 No shit. 820 01:09:47,892 --> 01:09:49,893 Hang on. You all knew? 821 01:09:51,854 --> 01:09:53,396 Sir, I'm scared. 822 01:09:54,273 --> 01:09:55,398 Don't worry. 823 01:09:55,566 --> 01:09:59,027 Look, just think of all of this as one big Class Wars. 824 01:10:01,405 --> 01:10:04,574 That's it! Class Wars! 825 01:10:04,742 --> 01:10:08,036 This is a siege. And how do we end a siege? 826 01:10:10,831 --> 01:10:12,707 A blockade. 827 01:10:41,362 --> 01:10:45,073 We've cut off your food, your water and your communication. 828 01:10:45,241 --> 01:10:46,616 The revolution is over. 829 01:10:46,784 --> 01:10:48,826 Hashtag sorry not sorry. 830 01:10:51,080 --> 01:10:54,374 Look, mate, I agree with a lot of what you're saying. 831 01:10:55,125 --> 01:10:58,294 Yes, the system's cringe, austerity's bullshit ... 832 01:10:58,671 --> 01:11:01,464 ...and of course Cornwall deserves a voice. 833 01:11:02,049 --> 01:11:05,343 But you're not gonna change any of that by kidnapping my kids ... 834 01:11:09,098 --> 01:11:12,016 Any minute now, the police are gonna make their move ... 835 01:11:12,184 --> 01:11:15,728 ...and we are gonna fight for our freedom to the death. 836 01:11:15,896 --> 01:11:17,981 Could you just let go of my neck? 837 01:11:20,776 --> 01:11:23,569 All those people out there believe in Alfie Wickers. 838 01:11:24,196 --> 01:11:26,531 So you can either play your part ... 839 01:11:27,366 --> 01:11:29,909 ...or what does every revolution need? 840 01:11:30,703 --> 01:11:32,287 A martyr. 841 01:11:32,454 --> 01:11:33,997 Damn your tutor. 842 01:11:34,707 --> 01:11:38,876 Once again, young Smee is right. A revolution needs a martyr. 843 01:11:39,044 --> 01:11:43,756 And I'll nail you to the cross myself if it means Cornish liberation. 844 01:11:44,300 --> 01:11:45,508 So ... 845 01:11:46,051 --> 01:11:47,802 ...what will it be? 846 01:11:49,096 --> 01:11:51,264 What was the first one again? 847 01:12:00,316 --> 01:12:03,693 There are kids in there. Nobody does anything till I say so. 848 01:12:03,861 --> 01:12:05,653 The world's media is watching. 849 01:12:05,821 --> 01:12:09,240 We wouldn't rule out the use of unmanned drones. Next question. 850 01:12:09,408 --> 01:12:12,243 - Who are you? - For the purposes of your articles, 851 01:12:12,411 --> 01:12:14,579 just call me the white Luther. 852 01:12:14,747 --> 01:12:17,415 Somebody shut him up. 853 01:12:23,130 --> 01:12:26,591 Time to tool up. I brought these over in the boat. 854 01:12:26,759 --> 01:12:31,012 Some serious artillery from our fellow freedom fighters in ETA. 855 01:12:34,475 --> 01:12:36,184 Oh, bollocks. 856 01:12:39,313 --> 01:12:42,023 I must have sent the wrong crate to Bodmin. 857 01:12:45,944 --> 01:12:48,321 Oh my God, we're all gonna die. 858 01:12:48,489 --> 01:12:51,032 Shit, man, I think Joe's gone loco. 859 01:12:51,200 --> 01:12:53,201 Guys, look. 860 01:12:57,790 --> 01:13:00,166 Our mums are here to pick us up. 861 01:13:10,052 --> 01:13:12,053 - We've got to get out of here now. - How? 862 01:13:12,221 --> 01:13:15,181 Seriously, mate, what the hell are you doing? 863 01:13:20,062 --> 01:13:22,688 Smugglers' tunnel down to the beach. 864 01:13:22,856 --> 01:13:25,024 Does no-one listen to Alfie? 865 01:13:28,987 --> 01:13:31,489 Sir, how did you get past that troll? 866 01:13:31,824 --> 01:13:34,826 Let's just say I gave him a little present. 867 01:13:34,993 --> 01:13:37,036 You wanked him off? 868 01:13:37,204 --> 01:13:39,539 What? No, I gave him my watch. 869 01:13:39,706 --> 01:13:41,290 Whatever. Sir wanked off a giant. 870 01:13:41,458 --> 01:13:42,667 I didn't. 871 01:13:42,835 --> 01:13:45,837 Sir, look! Our mums are here. 872 01:13:46,296 --> 01:13:48,297 Alfie. 873 01:13:48,465 --> 01:13:50,007 The tunnel. I knew it. 874 01:13:50,175 --> 01:13:52,427 Down to the beach. We haven't got long. 875 01:13:52,594 --> 01:13:54,512 He was massive and sir wanked him off. 876 01:13:56,515 --> 01:13:59,851 - What about you? - If the CLA see you, you're screwed. 877 01:14:00,018 --> 01:14:03,062 - I've gotta create a distraction for you. - You gonna wank off Pasco as well? 878 01:14:03,230 --> 01:14:05,314 Right, can we just drop the wanking? 879 01:14:07,776 --> 01:14:11,904 Good luck, mate. And if I don't make it out of here alive, tell Rosie I love her. 880 01:14:13,657 --> 01:14:17,535 Oh, and ... probably delete my internet history. Thanks. 881 01:14:18,412 --> 01:14:19,996 Fuck, wait. 882 01:14:20,164 --> 01:14:23,332 I've also got some magazines in the shed. So ... yeah. 883 01:14:23,500 --> 01:14:25,543 Hello?! 884 01:14:28,547 --> 01:14:31,674 Right, can everyone just listen to me, please? 885 01:14:35,304 --> 01:14:37,555 Shots fired. We're going in! 886 01:14:37,723 --> 01:14:40,016 Get those people under cover. 887 01:14:47,524 --> 01:14:49,525 I just wanted to say a few words. 888 01:14:49,693 --> 01:14:51,903 This ain't a wedding. 889 01:14:53,572 --> 01:14:57,366 Before this weekend I didn't know the difference 890 01:14:57,534 --> 01:14:59,535 between Cornwall and Devon. 891 01:14:59,703 --> 01:15:01,996 Bastards. 892 01:15:02,164 --> 01:15:05,249 But since then everything's changed. 893 01:15:06,126 --> 01:15:09,712 I discovered a county that is proud ... 894 01:15:10,672 --> 01:15:12,381 but unhappy 895 01:15:12,549 --> 01:15:17,762 because for too long you guys have been taken for granted by the man. 896 01:15:20,307 --> 01:15:22,016 I'm here to tell you this. 897 01:15:22,518 --> 01:15:24,310 You don't need him! 898 01:15:24,895 --> 01:15:27,772 And you know what, when you walk out that door, 899 01:15:27,940 --> 01:15:30,942 he is gonna see just how much you do for him! 900 01:15:31,318 --> 01:15:35,863 I'm talking fishing. I'm talking drystone walling. 901 01:15:37,241 --> 01:15:41,244 - I'm talking ... - Thatched roofs. 902 01:15:41,411 --> 01:15:42,787 Yes, thank you, Mick! 903 01:15:42,955 --> 01:15:46,123 You lot can thatch the hell out of a cottage! 904 01:15:46,500 --> 01:15:49,210 But today isn't about building things ... 905 01:15:49,378 --> 01:15:52,630 ...it is about tearing shit up! 906 01:15:55,592 --> 01:15:57,885 And that is why we need to fight! 907 01:15:58,053 --> 01:16:01,931 - Fight! - Fight! - Fight! Fight for this love! 908 01:16:03,267 --> 01:16:07,144 Because today's the day we tell those English bastards 909 01:16:07,312 --> 01:16:11,357 that they can take our lives but they will never take ...! 910 01:16:12,067 --> 01:16:13,818 Our pasties! 911 01:16:17,155 --> 01:16:19,031 Hurry up! Hurry! 912 01:16:21,702 --> 01:16:25,413 This is Cornwall! 913 01:16:50,188 --> 01:16:54,483 In position. Charge! 914 01:16:55,986 --> 01:16:58,321 Hold the line! 915 01:17:32,731 --> 01:17:34,273 Son of a bitch. 916 01:17:36,735 --> 01:17:38,861 Come back, you coward! 917 01:17:49,289 --> 01:17:50,831 En garde. Touche. 918 01:17:50,999 --> 01:17:52,541 Ponce. 919 01:18:31,373 --> 01:18:33,040 Fuck. 920 01:18:42,801 --> 01:18:45,302 - Mum. - Oh my God. 921 01:18:51,226 --> 01:18:52,268 Wait! 922 01:18:52,436 --> 01:18:54,186 Chantelle, I'm here. 923 01:19:00,026 --> 01:19:02,737 Oi, guys, help! 924 01:19:09,578 --> 01:19:11,162 Come here! 925 01:19:12,789 --> 01:19:14,707 - Get off! - Hey, you! Oi! 926 01:19:19,588 --> 01:19:22,047 In loco parentis, motherfuckers. 927 01:19:31,641 --> 01:19:33,309 Come on, kids. 928 01:19:33,477 --> 01:19:35,102 - Let's go. - Quality. 929 01:20:34,871 --> 01:20:36,580 Et la! 930 01:20:38,834 --> 01:20:40,376 Et la! 931 01:20:42,045 --> 01:20:45,214 That's a direct. Technically I win. 932 01:20:54,558 --> 01:20:56,308 Look ... Pasco ... 933 01:20:58,019 --> 01:20:59,728 No. 934 01:20:59,896 --> 01:21:00,938 Sorry. 935 01:21:01,106 --> 01:21:02,523 Please ... 936 01:21:08,029 --> 01:21:11,407 - Alfie! Up here. - Alfredo! 937 01:21:13,243 --> 01:21:15,786 - Come on, Alfie! - Come on, Alf. 938 01:21:19,583 --> 01:21:21,125 Closer! 939 01:21:21,293 --> 01:21:23,294 Closer! Bring it down! 940 01:21:26,965 --> 01:21:28,549 - Climb up. - Come on, Alfie. 941 01:21:28,717 --> 01:21:30,801 - Lower. - Come on, Alfie! 942 01:21:30,969 --> 01:21:34,471 - Jump! Come on, Alfie, you can do it, darling! 943 01:21:40,604 --> 01:21:42,313 Not again! 944 01:22:01,041 --> 01:22:02,791 What the fuck? 945 01:22:02,959 --> 01:22:05,169 Sorry! 946 01:22:10,717 --> 01:22:13,677 I think we should find somewhere to land now. 947 01:22:13,845 --> 01:22:15,721 But we've paid for an hour. 948 01:22:16,765 --> 01:22:18,766 Fine. Killjoy. 949 01:22:32,280 --> 01:22:34,114 - You alright? - Yeah. 950 01:22:36,284 --> 01:22:39,203 When I thought I was gonna die 951 01:22:39,371 --> 01:22:42,206 you were the only thing I couldn't bear to leave behind. 952 01:22:42,374 --> 01:22:44,249 I thought I'd lost you. 953 01:22:44,417 --> 01:22:46,043 I love you. 954 01:22:47,796 --> 01:22:48,963 Idiot. 955 01:22:54,177 --> 01:22:57,596 MP Michael Hoye has resigned today following allegations 956 01:22:57,764 --> 01:23:01,225 that he claimed on expenses for a cheeky Nando's van. 957 01:23:01,726 --> 01:23:05,020 The Port Jago by-election has been billed as an unofficial referendum 958 01:23:05,188 --> 01:23:06,647 for the Cornish people. 959 01:23:06,815 --> 01:23:10,818 And finally, today is results day for students up and down the country. 960 01:23:12,487 --> 01:23:14,488 That's not yours, you dick. 961 01:23:36,761 --> 01:23:38,554 Well done, mate. 962 01:23:40,640 --> 01:23:43,183 Thanks, Alfie. For everything. 963 01:24:04,831 --> 01:24:07,082 Remember ... 964 01:24:10,879 --> 01:24:11,920 Damn straight. 965 01:24:13,548 --> 01:24:15,966 Oh my God. Never show your mother that. 966 01:24:16,134 --> 01:24:17,760 Okay, sorry. 967 01:24:18,261 --> 01:24:20,763 Okay, gang. Photo time. 968 01:24:27,562 --> 01:24:31,106 Baby, I am so proud of you. Mummy's so proud. 969 01:24:32,317 --> 01:24:34,485 Well done, well done ... 970 01:24:34,652 --> 01:24:37,446 - Why are you dressed like that? - I'm hiding in the leavers' photo. 971 01:24:39,574 --> 01:24:40,616 As you do. 972 01:24:42,077 --> 01:24:43,827 Oi, sir. 973 01:24:44,746 --> 01:24:46,914 Little gift to say thank you. 974 01:24:47,582 --> 01:24:49,416 Baked them myself. 975 01:24:50,043 --> 01:24:52,586 Thanks, mate. That's really sweet of you. 976 01:25:09,854 --> 01:25:12,231 Ah, young love. 977 01:25:14,442 --> 01:25:15,984 Oh, bollocks. 978 01:25:17,862 --> 01:25:18,904 What? 979 01:25:19,948 --> 01:25:22,116 He spiked the brownies. 980 01:25:26,788 --> 01:25:28,330 Alfie? 981 01:25:29,624 --> 01:25:31,166 Alfie.