1
00:01:32,525 --> 00:01:35,127
- You are not just a mom.
2
00:01:35,129 --> 00:01:39,098
You are a hot, hot,
single lady.
3
00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:45,270
- Oh, god.
- Mom!
4
00:01:45,272 --> 00:01:47,206
- Just a second, sweetie!
5
00:01:48,575 --> 00:01:52,144
You are a well-educated
female person...
6
00:01:52,146 --> 00:01:54,580
With a very big...
7
00:01:54,582 --> 00:01:56,014
Set of tits.
8
00:01:57,117 --> 00:02:00,986
- Mommy!
- Fuck me. Coming!
9
00:02:03,156 --> 00:02:07,593
All right, momma's bringing in
the big board. Let's do this.
10
00:02:07,595 --> 00:02:10,262
Gracie, do you have
your show-and-tell, honey?
11
00:02:10,264 --> 00:02:13,132
Yes, you do. Good girl!
12
00:02:13,134 --> 00:02:15,467
Will, buddy, helmet and pads?
13
00:02:16,436 --> 00:02:18,971
Are those boys still giving you
a hard time at practice?
14
00:02:21,074 --> 00:02:23,408
Okay, well, screw football.
15
00:02:23,410 --> 00:02:26,378
How about glee club, huh?
Show tunes!
16
00:02:29,749 --> 00:02:33,585
- Mommy, can we listen
to singing music
on the way to school?
17
00:02:33,587 --> 00:02:36,021
- No, honey, I like to listen
to news in the morning.
18
00:02:36,023 --> 00:02:38,490
- Can I play on your phone?
- Nope.
19
00:02:39,259 --> 00:02:42,494
Amelia!
20
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:45,297
You know we don't do screams
before school.
21
00:02:45,299 --> 00:02:48,100
He took his diaper off! Poop!
22
00:02:48,102 --> 00:02:50,802
- Oh! Fuck!
- Poop!
23
00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:29,801
- Good afternoon, Jen.
24
00:04:29,803 --> 00:04:31,370
Gorgeous day we're having,
huh?
25
00:04:31,372 --> 00:04:33,772
Got that sun dialed up to a 10.
26
00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:36,975
- It is. It's so bright out,
do you really need
that flashlight?
27
00:04:36,977 --> 00:04:39,478
- I probably wouldn't have seen
Greyson pick his nose
28
00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:43,649
and wipe it on the back
of your seat without it, huh?
Don't worry. They all do it.
29
00:04:43,651 --> 00:04:45,317
I got you.
- Oh.
30
00:04:45,319 --> 00:04:47,452
- Hey!
- Shit!
31
00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:51,223
- Owen is begging
for a play date with the boys.
You got to come over.
32
00:04:51,225 --> 00:04:53,825
- Oh! Oh, hey,
this is the call I'm expecting.
33
00:04:55,561 --> 00:04:58,397
Silent. It's on silent.
34
00:04:58,399 --> 00:05:00,465
- Hey, Sally.
35
00:05:01,501 --> 00:05:04,336
- Whoa, uh--
- orange cones, no phones.
36
00:05:04,338 --> 00:05:06,004
- I was buying milk.
I'm out of milk.
37
00:05:06,006 --> 00:05:07,906
- Well, there's a trader Joe's
right around the corner.
38
00:05:07,908 --> 00:05:09,408
- Yeah, well,
i don't do markets, okay?
39
00:05:09,410 --> 00:05:11,176
So please just give me
my phone, Melissa.
40
00:05:11,178 --> 00:05:13,779
Uh, uh, melody.
41
00:05:13,781 --> 00:05:15,480
I mean...
- It's Melanie, Kate.
42
00:05:15,482 --> 00:05:18,517
God, we've been going to
the same school for five years?
43
00:05:18,519 --> 00:05:21,720
- Just give me my phone, please,
Melanie.
44
00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,923
Hey, what the...?
45
00:05:24,925 --> 00:05:27,259
- Are those car seats
even installed properly?
46
00:05:27,261 --> 00:05:29,995
And does this beauty
even have anti-lock brakes?
47
00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:32,497
- Yes. Obviously it does.
48
00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:34,433
And power windows.
49
00:05:35,468 --> 00:05:37,269
- Seriously?
50
00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:47,879
- We have a big day
and then teacher Sherry
51
00:05:47,881 --> 00:05:50,816
witnessed Amelia offering
her spot on the green rug.
52
00:05:50,818 --> 00:05:54,886
The empathy that displays,
Amelia, it's... it's profound.
53
00:05:56,823 --> 00:05:58,390
Come on, you two get in here.
54
00:05:58,392 --> 00:06:00,025
You both are settling in
beautifully
55
00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:02,194
to your first month at school.
Aren't you?
56
00:06:02,196 --> 00:06:04,396
- Yeah.
- Bit of a relief. Right?
- Yes.
57
00:06:04,398 --> 00:06:06,631
All right, bug, come on.
Let's go get our stuff, huh?
58
00:06:06,633 --> 00:06:09,301
- Have an amazing day.
So great to see you.
- Thank you. You too.
59
00:06:09,303 --> 00:06:13,238
- Yay! Okay, hold still.
- Oh, that's one cute cubby.
60
00:06:14,975 --> 00:06:17,642
Rose-budding really takes it
to the next level.
61
00:06:17,644 --> 00:06:19,244
- Rose-budding!
62
00:06:19,246 --> 00:06:21,646
Ooh, that'll get a lot of likes,
right?
63
00:06:21,648 --> 00:06:25,550
- Now I get the iPad, mommy?
- As soon as we get in the car,
sweetie pie, okay?
64
00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:28,320
As soon as we get in the car.
And don't forget,
65
00:06:28,322 --> 00:06:30,555
you get to sleep
at your daddy's house tonight
66
00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:32,858
and mommy gets
some alone time.
67
00:06:32,860 --> 00:06:34,726
- Can't even remember
what that's like.
68
00:06:35,661 --> 00:06:38,063
- Hey, I know
this is kind of last minute,
69
00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:39,698
but Melanie
- you know, grace's mom? -
70
00:06:39,700 --> 00:06:41,867
she and I are going out
tomorrow night.
71
00:06:41,869 --> 00:06:44,569
I got us a reservation
in this new tapas place.
72
00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:46,772
Would you wanna join?
- Uh, topless?
73
00:06:46,774 --> 00:06:49,608
- Yeah, topless place,
i thought, you know,
sexy dancers, little appetizers.
74
00:06:49,610 --> 00:06:51,343
No. Tapas.
- Oh, my god!
75
00:06:51,345 --> 00:06:53,412
- Tapas.
- Tapas!
76
00:06:53,414 --> 00:06:56,882
Yeah, no, tapas. Wow, yeah,
that would be really nice.
Thank you.
77
00:06:56,884 --> 00:06:59,451
- Yeah, we like to do
this fun mom dinners
every couple of weeks.
78
00:06:59,453 --> 00:07:01,720
You know, lots of wine, no kids.
It's kind of heaven.
79
00:07:01,722 --> 00:07:04,022
- Yeah, sounds like it.
- Hi, ladies.
- Hey.
80
00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:07,092
- Hey, Mel, guess what.
Emily is gonna join us
for dinner tomorrow night.
81
00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:09,027
- Oh, fantastic.
- Is that okay?
- Yeah, it's great.
82
00:07:09,029 --> 00:07:11,396
I love welcoming new moms
to the happy days community.
83
00:07:11,398 --> 00:07:13,365
I can't wait to hear your story,
Emily.
84
00:07:13,367 --> 00:07:15,801
- Um, would it be okay
if I invited Kate?
85
00:07:17,703 --> 00:07:19,471
- Kate with the twin boys?
- Yeah.
86
00:07:19,473 --> 00:07:21,306
- Wait.
Are you friends with her?
87
00:07:21,308 --> 00:07:23,208
- Yeah, yeah, we went
to high school together.
88
00:07:23,210 --> 00:07:26,845
That's how I got Amelia in here
so last minute when we moved.
89
00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:30,549
- Kate doesn't usually do stuff
with us other moms,
90
00:07:30,551 --> 00:07:32,818
or even return my emails,
but I know she got it,
91
00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:34,453
'cause I have
that sent-return thing.
92
00:07:34,455 --> 00:07:36,955
But since you guys are so close,
if you wanna invite her,
93
00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:39,057
I mean, that's fine,
she could come with us, yeah.
94
00:07:39,059 --> 00:07:41,326
- That'd be wonderful.
- Okay, no,
I'll mention it to her later.
95
00:07:41,328 --> 00:07:42,627
That sounds great.
Thank you, guys.
96
00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:44,496
Got to go. Bye. Thank you.
- Bye.
97
00:07:44,498 --> 00:07:47,766
- I like your skirt.
It's so pretty.
- Oh, thanks.
98
00:07:47,768 --> 00:07:51,403
- I bet my left tit
that bitch Kate doesn't come.
99
00:08:02,949 --> 00:08:04,816
- Hello, gorgeous.
100
00:08:05,751 --> 00:08:07,853
Shut up!
101
00:08:07,855 --> 00:08:10,922
- Mom!!
- He took it!
102
00:08:10,924 --> 00:08:12,858
I'm in the playoff!
103
00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:15,594
Where are you?!
104
00:08:18,131 --> 00:08:20,165
Where are you?!
105
00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:31,176
- Whoa, whoa!
106
00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:33,512
One at a time, dudes,
one at a time.
107
00:08:33,514 --> 00:08:36,481
- Make them shut up, okay?
I'm in the playoffs!
108
00:08:36,483 --> 00:08:40,552
- The twins knocked over
my legos and I have to poop.
109
00:08:40,554 --> 00:08:43,355
- Oh, get in here, go.
Get in there, go.
110
00:08:43,357 --> 00:08:46,658
- He took my sabre!
- Because it's mine!
111
00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:48,460
- Okay.
112
00:08:50,897 --> 00:08:52,964
There you go. Downstairs.
113
00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:54,733
Have fun.
114
00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:56,568
Daddy's calling you.
115
00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:05,644
Hey. Sorry I couldn't talk
to you at pick-up.
116
00:09:05,646 --> 00:09:07,212
I can't take hanging around
that place.
117
00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:08,813
- Oh, guess who got
a poop facial
118
00:09:08,815 --> 00:09:11,049
and taught our kid
how to say the f word?
119
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:15,520
- Oh, wait, you had shit
on your face and you're worried
120
00:09:15,522 --> 00:09:18,023
your kid learned the word fuck?
- You don't understand.
121
00:09:18,025 --> 00:09:20,859
I never swear
in front of them, is the thing.
122
00:09:20,861 --> 00:09:23,228
- Mm, shit, I'd be more worried
about pink eye.
123
00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:25,096
- How is it possible
that this kid
124
00:09:25,098 --> 00:09:27,165
still has the s-h-i-t-s?
125
00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:29,834
- Well, now you know
what you're really
missing out on
126
00:09:29,836 --> 00:09:31,703
when you're pulling
those 12-hour workdays.
127
00:09:31,705 --> 00:09:34,072
- It's incredible to me
that my life still revolves
128
00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:37,042
around other people's s-h-i-t.
I can't believe it.
129
00:09:37,044 --> 00:09:38,677
- Oh, I can.
130
00:09:41,013 --> 00:09:42,948
- You're good at this.
131
00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,117
Do it again?
- Okay.
132
00:09:46,119 --> 00:09:47,586
- I love it, Emily.
133
00:09:47,588 --> 00:09:50,188
You look beautiful.
- Oh, really?
134
00:09:50,190 --> 00:09:53,592
I feel like you've just never
seen me with my hair brushed.
- Hey, I'm home.
135
00:09:53,594 --> 00:09:55,260
Hey...
- Hey.
136
00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:57,395
- Daddy's home!
- Oh, Amelia bedelia!
137
00:09:57,397 --> 00:09:59,698
How you doing?
Oh, my goodness.
138
00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:03,268
Oh, gosh, are we busy
making some drawings here?
139
00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:04,803
What the...
140
00:10:04,805 --> 00:10:07,772
Wow, honey, this is, um...
141
00:10:07,774 --> 00:10:09,808
This is an interesting one.
142
00:10:09,810 --> 00:10:12,277
What exactly is going on here?
143
00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:15,080
- It's a whale spraying mommy.
- Um...
144
00:10:15,082 --> 00:10:18,116
I... I guess I didn't know mommy
was into that sort of thing,
145
00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:20,585
but, uh, okay.
146
00:10:20,587 --> 00:10:22,654
All right.
147
00:10:23,656 --> 00:10:25,457
- Oh, sorry.
- Sorry.
148
00:10:25,459 --> 00:10:28,326
Okay, I'm gonna, uh...
I'll just get changed and...
149
00:10:29,595 --> 00:10:33,298
- He's got this thing
about messing up my lipstick.
150
00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:37,268
- Is this, like,
top chef or something?
151
00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:39,904
Are we gonna be judged
on our work? Thank you.
152
00:10:39,906 --> 00:10:41,640
- No, it's a delivery thing,
man.
153
00:10:41,642 --> 00:10:43,975
It's a startup,
which I should've invested in.
154
00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:46,144
It's all local and organic
and sustainable.
155
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:48,680
And they just drop it off
for you.
156
00:10:48,682 --> 00:10:52,317
- What drops it off,
an electric tractor
being pulled by a rescue dog?
157
00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:54,319
Thanks, Kate.
158
00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:56,488
- This is literally
farm to table, you guys.
159
00:10:56,490 --> 00:10:58,590
Farm to table.
160
00:10:58,592 --> 00:11:01,026
- Straight from the farm.
- Straight to the table.
- To the...
161
00:11:01,028 --> 00:11:04,029
- Right to the table.
Are you kidding me?
162
00:11:04,031 --> 00:11:05,964
- There's no middle man.
- Oh, my god.
163
00:11:05,966 --> 00:11:07,999
Well, thank you so much
for having us over
164
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:10,335
so we could make
our own dinner. This is great.
165
00:11:10,337 --> 00:11:15,140
- Kate, I think it's awesome,
i think it's super creative,
and I like it.
166
00:11:15,142 --> 00:11:18,610
- Thanks, em.
- Don't cut yourself, now.
167
00:11:18,612 --> 00:11:22,981
- All right. Let's do this.
Okay?
- Okay. Yeah.
168
00:11:22,983 --> 00:11:26,017
Right. Do you wanna do the...
Chop up the veggies?
169
00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:27,619
- What's up with the sauce?
170
00:11:27,621 --> 00:11:29,788
- Just a little--
- oh, no, no, no, hold on.
171
00:11:31,157 --> 00:11:33,692
Throw the veggies in first
and then the sauce goes--
172
00:11:33,694 --> 00:11:36,661
- I think it'll just--
- no, no.
It's like this for a reason.
173
00:11:36,663 --> 00:11:39,631
You know, sometimes,
recipes are in a specific order
for a reason.
174
00:11:39,633 --> 00:11:41,900
It's gonna screw
the whole thing up if...
- Ahem.
175
00:11:41,902 --> 00:11:43,735
- It cooks together...
Okay, it's fine.
176
00:11:43,737 --> 00:11:45,370
- Did you guys...
177
00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:47,639
Do you have any of that
yellow sauce leftover?
178
00:11:47,641 --> 00:11:49,974
- Mm-hmm, yep.
- Kind of wasted all of ours.
179
00:11:49,976 --> 00:11:51,643
Um...
180
00:11:51,645 --> 00:11:54,846
Yeah, I think, uh, this move
is gonna be great for us.
181
00:11:54,848 --> 00:11:56,481
- Yeah.
- And great for us, em.
182
00:11:56,483 --> 00:11:58,817
We get to hang like
the old times, just the girls.
183
00:11:58,819 --> 00:12:01,086
- Speaking of just the girls,
a couple of the moms
184
00:12:01,088 --> 00:12:03,421
from school asked me out
for a fun mom dinner.
185
00:12:03,423 --> 00:12:06,658
- That sounds awful.
- Hey, it's a fun mom dinner.
186
00:12:06,660 --> 00:12:09,561
How can it not be,
you know, fun?
187
00:12:09,563 --> 00:12:11,830
- Shut the fuck up, hon.
Which ones were they?
188
00:12:11,832 --> 00:12:13,398
- One of them was named Jamie.
189
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:16,000
- I know her. I mean,
i don't "know" know her.
190
00:12:16,002 --> 00:12:17,569
I follow her on instagram.
191
00:12:17,571 --> 00:12:19,771
She's a bit of an over-sharer.
192
00:12:19,773 --> 00:12:22,874
- Seriously, Andrew?
Jesus, I mean, some wives
would be pissed about this.
193
00:12:22,876 --> 00:12:24,943
I think I'm just embarrassed
for you. Here.
194
00:12:24,945 --> 00:12:26,211
- Whoa.
195
00:12:26,213 --> 00:12:28,680
- #sharedcustody?
196
00:12:28,682 --> 00:12:31,282
#metime?
197
00:12:31,284 --> 00:12:34,052
Fuck, if it's me time,
why feel the need
to share it with us?
198
00:12:34,054 --> 00:12:35,453
Who's the other mom?
- Melanie.
199
00:12:35,455 --> 00:12:37,122
- Okay,
that woman is bad-shit crazy.
200
00:12:37,124 --> 00:12:40,024
I think she runs a fight club
in the helping hand yard.
201
00:12:40,026 --> 00:12:43,094
- No, they're trying to be nice.
- You have to get out of it.
202
00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:44,929
Just say Wyatt's sick
or something.
203
00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:48,366
- No, don't listen to her, em,
and you should go too, babe.
204
00:12:48,368 --> 00:12:51,469
- Honey, I think this is great.
You should make more friends,
205
00:12:51,471 --> 00:12:53,538
you should, you know,
widen your circle.
206
00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:55,940
Widen your circle?
- That's super sexual.
207
00:12:55,942 --> 00:12:58,443
- Yeah, maybe it is sexual.
So what?
208
00:12:58,445 --> 00:13:01,045
- You're just gonna widen it,
take a look around.
209
00:13:01,047 --> 00:13:03,047
- Oh! Speaking...
210
00:13:03,049 --> 00:13:07,552
Of sexual innuendo...
Look what I found in the move.
211
00:13:07,554 --> 00:13:09,821
- What is it?
- Oh, my god.
212
00:13:09,823 --> 00:13:13,725
It's our sex questionnaire
from sophomore year.
213
00:13:13,727 --> 00:13:15,794
- We answered every question
with Jake Ryan.
214
00:13:15,796 --> 00:13:19,464
Yes! And it marked the birth
of the I love Jake club.
215
00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:21,332
- The I love who?
216
00:13:21,334 --> 00:13:23,668
- Jake Ryan
from sixteen candles.
That was our movie.
217
00:13:23,670 --> 00:13:25,937
Jake Ryan
is like the perfect guy.
218
00:13:25,939 --> 00:13:27,572
- I've never heard
about any of this.
219
00:13:27,574 --> 00:13:29,607
- There were two presidents
and two members.
220
00:13:29,609 --> 00:13:32,310
- You guys started a club and
there's only two people in it?
221
00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:35,880
That's adorable and sad.
Let me see this.
222
00:13:37,850 --> 00:13:41,085
- Yeah, you two can't be
in the club.
- What?!
223
00:13:58,304 --> 00:13:59,737
- Hey.
- Hey.
224
00:14:05,110 --> 00:14:06,744
- All yours.
225
00:14:15,888 --> 00:14:18,523
You wanna watch
a little John Oliver?
226
00:14:21,126 --> 00:14:22,760
- No.
227
00:14:25,531 --> 00:14:30,134
Oh, hey, would you mind taking
Amelia to school tomorrow
so I can go work out?
228
00:14:30,136 --> 00:14:32,837
- No... fucking... way.
229
00:14:32,839 --> 00:14:34,973
- What?
230
00:14:35,908 --> 00:14:37,609
- Mommy!
231
00:14:42,147 --> 00:14:44,616
- Hey, shhh, shhh, shhh...
232
00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:47,218
Mommy's here.
233
00:15:06,672 --> 00:15:09,107
Don't forget to go pee-pee.
Remember last time?
234
00:15:09,109 --> 00:15:12,510
- Did you really just tell me
to go pee-pee?
235
00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:15,880
- I did.
- 'Cause I don't have to.
I came prepared.
236
00:15:15,882 --> 00:15:18,683
- Oh!
- Sam's pull-up is tight
as fuck!
237
00:15:18,685 --> 00:15:20,451
- Oh, that is so wrong.
238
00:15:20,453 --> 00:15:24,022
- You push out two more kids
and see if you don't need one.
239
00:15:25,057 --> 00:15:28,192
Hey, what's going on with you?
240
00:15:28,194 --> 00:15:29,761
Tom stuff again?
241
00:15:29,763 --> 00:15:31,262
- No.
242
00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:32,764
Yes.
243
00:15:32,766 --> 00:15:35,566
- You seemed happy last night.
244
00:15:35,568 --> 00:15:38,770
Please tell me you went home
and had drunk sex.
- Oh, please, hardly.
245
00:15:38,772 --> 00:15:41,406
Tom has zero interest in sex.
Forget sex.
246
00:15:41,408 --> 00:15:44,042
I haven't had a hug in months.
- Oh.
247
00:15:44,044 --> 00:15:47,612
- The last hug I got, I think,
was from teacher Sherry.
248
00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:49,414
Kind of felt a little something.
249
00:15:49,416 --> 00:15:52,417
Okay, ladies, positions, please.
250
00:15:52,419 --> 00:15:54,619
Come on, ladies,
positions, please.
251
00:15:54,621 --> 00:15:56,888
- We need to talk about this.
- Dinner tonight?
252
00:15:56,890 --> 00:15:59,457
I wanna see those knees
to cheeks.
253
00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:02,827
Five, six, seven, eight,
and go down, down,
254
00:16:02,829 --> 00:16:05,863
down, down, down, down!
That's it. Ugh!
255
00:16:06,932 --> 00:16:08,900
- Good thing
this is an overnight.
256
00:16:08,902 --> 00:16:11,469
- Whoo!
Ooh, down, down, down!
257
00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:15,640
Ooh, higher!
Let me hear you say whoo!
258
00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:17,675
Whoo!
- Whoo!
259
00:16:21,447 --> 00:16:25,283
- I do not get this. Do you know
how to do instagram?
260
00:16:25,285 --> 00:16:27,151
I'm stuck.
261
00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:29,921
Hey, good timing,
i just got a text from Kate
a minute ago
262
00:16:29,923 --> 00:16:32,323
who's gonna be here in five,
so...
- Oh, I texted Andrew.
263
00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:34,525
We're gonna go hang out
over there for a bit.
264
00:16:34,527 --> 00:16:37,328
- Oh, are you sure
it's a good idea,
'cause it's a school night,
265
00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:41,099
and you know if Wyatt
falls asleep in the car,
he's never gonna transfer.
266
00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:45,436
- Yeah, it will be great, babe.
The kids will have fun.
- Oh, fun, what a concept.
267
00:16:45,438 --> 00:16:48,539
- No, you don't get to do
the "we never have fun anymore"
thing.
268
00:16:48,541 --> 00:16:51,275
I'm babysitting tonight
so you can go out and have fun.
269
00:16:51,277 --> 00:16:52,844
- You're babysitting, tom?!
- Yeah.
270
00:16:52,846 --> 00:16:55,480
- It's not babysitting
when they're your kids.
271
00:16:55,482 --> 00:16:58,449
- Yeah, it is.
- No, it's parenting.
272
00:16:58,451 --> 00:17:00,985
- You're splitting hairs there,
but, yeah, sure, I mean, both.
273
00:17:00,987 --> 00:17:02,687
- His green blanket
is in the dryer.
274
00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:05,456
Do not forget it if you go out.
You'll be so sorry.
275
00:17:05,458 --> 00:17:08,292
Are you listening
to any of this right now?
276
00:17:08,294 --> 00:17:11,496
- Come on. Uh, yeah, yeah,
the diaper and the, um,
277
00:17:11,498 --> 00:17:13,398
the blankets, it's no problem.
278
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:15,800
- Okay.
- All right, you know what?
279
00:17:15,802 --> 00:17:17,635
I need to take a quick shower.
- All right.
280
00:17:17,637 --> 00:17:20,038
Good luck with that.
281
00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:22,073
Have a good night.
- Okay.
282
00:17:22,075 --> 00:17:23,875
- Goodbye.
283
00:17:23,877 --> 00:17:25,676
Goodbye.
284
00:17:25,678 --> 00:17:28,679
- But I was just thinking
i needed to take
a quick shower.
285
00:17:40,659 --> 00:17:42,326
- Please.
- What?
286
00:17:42,328 --> 00:17:44,729
- Tell me you didn't do this.
287
00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:48,399
- I kind of did.
288
00:17:49,101 --> 00:17:51,736
- Looks like
your classic ambush move.
289
00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:54,539
- That Emily is sneaky.
290
00:17:54,541 --> 00:17:56,140
- I like her.
291
00:17:57,709 --> 00:18:00,411
- I thought this was just gonna
be the two of us,
292
00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:02,613
talking about you and tom
and shitty life stuff.
293
00:18:02,615 --> 00:18:04,415
- I know.
I didn't wanna come alone.
294
00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:07,118
I'm sorry I tricked you, okay?
295
00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:10,121
I just wanted a night where
i am not thinking about tom.
296
00:18:10,123 --> 00:18:11,956
I need it.
297
00:18:13,525 --> 00:18:14,926
- Oprah? Gayle?
298
00:18:14,928 --> 00:18:16,928
Care to open up
your friendship circle?
299
00:18:16,930 --> 00:18:18,763
Let's go, come on.
300
00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:21,566
- One hour, that is it.
And you fucking owe me.
301
00:18:21,568 --> 00:18:23,101
- Come on.
- I love you.
302
00:18:23,103 --> 00:18:25,069
- Melanie, you look hot.
- You look great.
303
00:18:25,071 --> 00:18:28,272
- I mean, what else
are we supposed to bring
to snack share?
304
00:18:28,274 --> 00:18:31,442
I mean, we've got three kids
allergic to gluten, a tree nut,
305
00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:35,113
two soys, and that kid
with the zipper thing?
306
00:18:35,115 --> 00:18:37,949
- Oh, that kid is not allergic
to zippers. No fucking way.
307
00:18:37,951 --> 00:18:40,551
- But it's on the list.
- He's just scared of them.
308
00:18:40,553 --> 00:18:42,153
That's more
of an emotional allergy.
309
00:18:42,155 --> 00:18:44,255
- Yes, I did the rotc thing
in college,
310
00:18:44,257 --> 00:18:47,391
and I came this close to joining
the armed forces, you know?
311
00:18:47,393 --> 00:18:49,160
I still think about it.
312
00:18:49,162 --> 00:18:51,295
You cannot get me out
of my 'tigues on the weekends.
313
00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:54,966
- I miss telling people
at parties that I was a lawyer,
you know?
314
00:18:54,968 --> 00:18:56,968
Except for I never went
to parties,
315
00:18:56,970 --> 00:18:59,604
because I never left
the office before 9:00.
316
00:18:59,606 --> 00:19:01,906
And then there was,
like, the rare occasion
317
00:19:01,908 --> 00:19:04,175
that I did make it home
by bedtime
318
00:19:04,177 --> 00:19:06,511
and Amelia was calling
her nanny "mama."
319
00:19:06,513 --> 00:19:11,082
- Now that Lexie is with Theo
part of the time,
i actually have time to myself.
320
00:19:11,084 --> 00:19:13,417
So I started consulting
with this engineering firm.
321
00:19:13,419 --> 00:19:15,620
Plus I'm training
for a half-marathon,
322
00:19:15,622 --> 00:19:18,823
and I get to sleep -
and I'm talking real sleep.
323
00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:21,425
- Now, that is why
you look so good.
- Thank you. I appreciate that.
324
00:19:21,427 --> 00:19:23,294
You know,
she would never admit it,
325
00:19:23,296 --> 00:19:25,263
but she was my saving grace.
326
00:19:25,265 --> 00:19:27,532
Some of my friends
got so weird
after I got separated.
327
00:19:27,534 --> 00:19:29,800
You would not believe,
once you're single,
328
00:19:29,802 --> 00:19:33,104
that these ladies
do not want you
around their husbands.
329
00:19:33,106 --> 00:19:36,274
I never saw it coming
with my friends,
but not Melanie.
330
00:19:36,276 --> 00:19:38,676
You were always
inviting me out all the time.
331
00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:41,846
Sometimes, she even had to use
brute physical force
to get me out of the house.
332
00:19:41,848 --> 00:19:44,615
- That I believe.
- Oh, she speaks.
333
00:19:44,617 --> 00:19:46,350
What should we talk about,
Kate?
334
00:19:46,352 --> 00:19:48,452
You know,
so we're interesting to you.
335
00:19:48,454 --> 00:19:50,955
I mean, we've all shared.
What's your deal?
336
00:19:50,957 --> 00:19:52,290
- Melanie.
- Oh, god.
337
00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:54,025
That's a little harsh,
don't you think?
338
00:19:54,027 --> 00:19:57,328
- I don't, actually.
- Emily, I can speak for myself.
339
00:19:57,330 --> 00:19:59,530
It's true. Don't wanna be here.
340
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:02,466
What can I say? I'm mom'd out.
341
00:20:02,468 --> 00:20:06,037
First there were the moms
from when Lucas
started school,
342
00:20:06,039 --> 00:20:09,574
and then the Sam moms,
more play dates,
more school meetings,
343
00:20:09,576 --> 00:20:11,876
the juicing, the coffees.
I'm over it.
344
00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:14,212
I don't wanna know
what birthday parties
are being planned.
345
00:20:14,214 --> 00:20:16,747
I don't give a fuck
about the best mommy and me yoga
346
00:20:16,749 --> 00:20:18,716
or mommy and me anything.
347
00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:20,885
And I especially
don't wanna hear
348
00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:23,487
that super-cute thing
their kid said, did,
wrote, or fucking sang,
349
00:20:23,489 --> 00:20:25,856
I mean, come on,
do you want me to go on?
350
00:20:25,858 --> 00:20:28,025
- No, that's okay.
I think we got the idea.
351
00:20:28,027 --> 00:20:30,695
But just for the record,
Melanie and I do not juice.
352
00:20:30,697 --> 00:20:32,897
- I knew you were a bitch.
I knew it.
353
00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:36,367
- Melanie, I'm sorry,
i know you don't like me
354
00:20:36,369 --> 00:20:39,070
because I'm not engaged
and involved in--
355
00:20:39,072 --> 00:20:41,272
- no, no, no, no, no, no.
My problem with you
356
00:20:41,274 --> 00:20:44,408
isn't that you don't do shit
while the rest of us
do the shit.
357
00:20:44,410 --> 00:20:46,410
My problem with you
is that you walk around
358
00:20:46,412 --> 00:20:48,746
like you're too good
to do any shit at all.
359
00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:52,750
- You took my phone yesterday,
for fucksake.
And my car wasn't even moving.
360
00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:55,853
Jesus, just admit
you take stuff a little too far.
361
00:20:55,855 --> 00:20:59,290
- When you admit that
you were texting and driving.
- I was buying milk!
362
00:20:59,292 --> 00:21:01,993
A mother can never run out
of milk!
363
00:21:06,698 --> 00:21:08,366
- Come on.
- You know what?
364
00:21:08,368 --> 00:21:10,601
This is bullshit, I'm done here.
Let's get the cheque.
365
00:21:10,603 --> 00:21:13,104
- No, Melanie, come on.
No, no, no, don't go.
366
00:21:13,106 --> 00:21:16,207
I love that you're
a traffic-safety person.
- Thank you.
367
00:21:16,209 --> 00:21:20,244
- Come on, you don't wanna miss
the tartufo.
- You're right. I'm not leaving.
368
00:21:20,246 --> 00:21:23,080
I want my tartufo.
And I want a scotch.
369
00:21:23,082 --> 00:21:25,283
Because then you got
your something sweet
370
00:21:25,285 --> 00:21:27,885
and you got something
to cut the sweet.
371
00:21:27,887 --> 00:21:29,987
She should leave.
372
00:21:29,989 --> 00:21:31,922
- Oh, with pleasure.
373
00:21:31,924 --> 00:21:33,624
- Oh, uh...
374
00:21:33,626 --> 00:21:36,027
She drove.
- No.
375
00:21:37,129 --> 00:21:38,763
- Mel, this is not good.
Come on,
376
00:21:38,765 --> 00:21:40,765
we all have to see one another
at school tomorrow
377
00:21:40,767 --> 00:21:42,967
and for the whole rest
of the year. Don't do this.
378
00:21:42,969 --> 00:21:47,972
- Fine, but I cannot believe
I'm missing forensic files
for this shit.
379
00:21:47,974 --> 00:21:49,840
You know, order me a scotch.
380
00:21:49,842 --> 00:21:51,842
Three fingers, y cube.
381
00:21:58,984 --> 00:22:03,321
- Don't even think about trying
to convince me to come back in.
382
00:22:03,323 --> 00:22:05,356
- Don't worry.
383
00:22:05,358 --> 00:22:07,291
I'm just gonna wait here
a minute
384
00:22:07,293 --> 00:22:09,527
and then tell them
i couldn't find you.
385
00:22:12,264 --> 00:22:14,031
What the hell is that?
386
00:22:14,033 --> 00:22:17,068
- Something you could
desperately use.
387
00:22:19,371 --> 00:22:21,238
Here, peace pipe.
388
00:22:26,611 --> 00:22:30,781
- So basically you just need
to choose the picture you want--
389
00:22:30,783 --> 00:22:33,818
- oh, my god. Jamie,
you matched with someone!
390
00:22:33,820 --> 00:22:35,386
- I did?
- That's so exciting.
391
00:22:35,388 --> 00:22:38,622
- Yikes. I don't know
if I'm ready for this.
392
00:22:38,624 --> 00:22:40,624
Ah, dating at my age?
393
00:22:40,626 --> 00:22:43,694
Why do all the men
look like weary grandpas?
394
00:22:43,696 --> 00:22:47,198
- No, no, no, no, come on.
It's fun to look.
395
00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:49,400
Let's start with looking.
396
00:22:49,402 --> 00:22:51,402
He's cute.
397
00:22:52,838 --> 00:22:55,706
- I used to smoke the doobage
from time to time.
398
00:22:56,641 --> 00:22:59,110
Yeah, right, I'll toke up.
399
00:23:00,212 --> 00:23:02,747
But you're still a massive cunt.
You know that, right?
400
00:23:06,418 --> 00:23:09,086
- I'm guessing you haven't
done this in a while.
401
00:23:09,088 --> 00:23:10,855
- Yeah, it's been like 15 years.
402
00:23:10,857 --> 00:23:13,858
- Here's how it works
in the 21st century. See this?
403
00:23:13,860 --> 00:23:16,227
- Yeah.
- You push it down.
404
00:23:16,229 --> 00:23:18,896
- Okay. Okay.
405
00:23:24,436 --> 00:23:26,871
Okay,
now we're cooking with gas.
406
00:23:29,075 --> 00:23:31,442
That's a friend I remember.
407
00:23:33,246 --> 00:23:38,449
Wow. Maybe there's more to you
than being just the big asshole.
408
00:23:38,451 --> 00:23:41,919
- Wait, I'm confused.
Am I an asshole or a cunt?
409
00:23:41,921 --> 00:23:45,055
Because there is a
big difference between the two.
410
00:23:45,057 --> 00:23:46,724
- True.
411
00:23:46,726 --> 00:23:49,660
Although sometimes in the dark
my husband can't tell.
412
00:23:53,599 --> 00:23:56,934
- Have you heard anything
about a... fight club
on the helping hand yard?
413
00:23:56,936 --> 00:24:00,037
- Huh? No.
- You know, never mind.
- I never heard about that.
414
00:24:00,039 --> 00:24:01,639
- Hi.
- Hey.
415
00:24:01,641 --> 00:24:04,475
- What'd we miss?
- Good evening.
416
00:24:04,477 --> 00:24:06,210
- Good evening.
417
00:24:06,212 --> 00:24:07,978
- Oh, we're gonna need
a bigger boat.
418
00:24:07,980 --> 00:24:11,916
- Yeah, I think we need
one more of, uh...
419
00:24:11,918 --> 00:24:13,584
Everything.
- Everyone.
420
00:24:13,586 --> 00:24:16,954
- Everything.
- Thank you. This one's mine.
421
00:24:16,956 --> 00:24:18,823
- Oh, I'm so glad
we're doing this.
422
00:24:18,825 --> 00:24:21,559
And Emily acted
like it was gonna be so hard
423
00:24:21,561 --> 00:24:23,994
to bring the kids over here.
- Yeah, man, totally.
424
00:24:23,996 --> 00:24:25,596
Kate gets like that too
sometimes,
425
00:24:25,598 --> 00:24:28,265
like super wound up about stuff.
Just pay no mind.
426
00:24:28,267 --> 00:24:30,734
- Yeah.
427
00:24:30,736 --> 00:24:33,204
Oh, what's going on, buddy?
428
00:24:35,140 --> 00:24:36,774
Oh, okay.
429
00:24:38,444 --> 00:24:41,111
All right.
- He wants his blankie.
430
00:24:41,113 --> 00:24:43,347
- Blankie?
431
00:24:43,349 --> 00:24:45,783
His blankie?
432
00:24:45,785 --> 00:24:48,152
His blankie.
433
00:24:48,154 --> 00:24:50,020
Oh, fuck.
434
00:24:52,290 --> 00:24:55,159
- Marijuana makes me
really paranoid,
but I'll take a little puff.
435
00:24:55,161 --> 00:24:58,529
Yeah, Jamie.
436
00:24:58,531 --> 00:25:02,800
- Pass that.
There's something so classic
about a perfectly rolled joint.
437
00:25:02,802 --> 00:25:05,102
- Mm, yeah.
- I like to go old school
sometimes,
438
00:25:05,104 --> 00:25:07,771
with a classic
Brazilian bikini wax.
439
00:25:07,773 --> 00:25:10,207
- Brazilian's retro now?
440
00:25:10,209 --> 00:25:12,142
- Oh, not even.
They're like totally out.
441
00:25:12,144 --> 00:25:15,479
- What?
- You think that's crazy?
You got to check out this.
442
00:25:15,481 --> 00:25:18,282
- Look at this.
- I'm hungry.
- This is crazy. Vajazzling.
443
00:25:18,284 --> 00:25:20,184
- Oh, my god!
- Whoa.
444
00:25:20,186 --> 00:25:22,887
- Very popular now.
- Wait.
445
00:25:22,889 --> 00:25:28,292
She shaves off all the hair
on her vagina god's given her
and takes a handful of crystals
446
00:25:28,294 --> 00:25:31,328
and some Elmer's glue
and sprinkles up
a little design?
447
00:25:31,330 --> 00:25:32,963
Is that what she does?
448
00:25:32,965 --> 00:25:35,332
What kind of woman wants sand
on her vagina--
449
00:25:35,334 --> 00:25:37,501
what are you doing
in there?
450
00:25:37,503 --> 00:25:40,571
I see a lot of feet.
- I got it.
451
00:25:42,807 --> 00:25:45,209
Hi. How are you?
452
00:25:45,211 --> 00:25:47,077
What a cute little outfit.
453
00:25:47,079 --> 00:25:48,879
Is it your birthday?
454
00:25:48,881 --> 00:25:51,582
- Are you smoking in here?
- Of course we're not smoking.
455
00:25:51,584 --> 00:25:54,752
- You know what?
I think the manager would like
to know what's going on.
456
00:25:54,754 --> 00:25:56,353
- Hey, wait a minute.
457
00:25:56,355 --> 00:25:58,856
I have an idea.
458
00:25:58,858 --> 00:26:02,359
How about we send
an ice-cream sundae
over to your table?
459
00:26:02,361 --> 00:26:05,429
You know, like a little surprise
for keeping a secret?
460
00:26:08,033 --> 00:26:10,334
- I want a steak.
- Damn.
461
00:26:10,336 --> 00:26:13,170
- New York strip, medium rare.
462
00:26:13,172 --> 00:26:16,106
And a coke.
- Fine.
- Fine.
463
00:26:18,543 --> 00:26:20,945
Great talking to you.
464
00:26:22,247 --> 00:26:26,283
- That little girl
is fucking intense!
465
00:26:26,285 --> 00:26:30,187
If that's what I'm missing out
on then, no, thank you.
466
00:26:30,189 --> 00:26:33,057
- Oh, no. Did we just...?
467
00:26:33,059 --> 00:26:35,092
- Oh, shoot!
- Oh, my god.
468
00:26:38,297 --> 00:26:40,097
- Okay! Oh, my god!
469
00:26:41,968 --> 00:26:44,602
- Let's go through the back.
We don't wanna get caught
in here!
470
00:26:49,874 --> 00:26:51,909
- Oh, my god!
471
00:26:51,911 --> 00:26:54,278
- Do you hear that?
Are those sirens?
472
00:26:56,482 --> 00:27:00,584
- Ladies, I believe this is
a dine-and-dash situation.
Let's move out!
473
00:27:00,586 --> 00:27:03,320
If we're staying out later,
i got to text my hubby.
474
00:27:03,322 --> 00:27:06,357
- Oh, good idea.
And I'll text Andrew
and he can tell tom.
475
00:27:11,663 --> 00:27:14,064
- Okay.
476
00:27:34,120 --> 00:27:37,521
Oh, wait! Ladies, ladies,
hold up, hold up.
477
00:27:37,523 --> 00:27:39,857
Come here.
Ladies, quick question.
478
00:27:39,859 --> 00:27:42,359
Do you mind
if we make a quick pit stop?
479
00:27:42,361 --> 00:27:46,096
I love me some walgreens.
And you're gonna love it, too,
because guess what.
480
00:27:46,098 --> 00:27:47,965
Boom,
i got a motherfucking gift card!
481
00:27:47,967 --> 00:27:50,968
- Hey, bud, see this is same
colour as your blankie.
482
00:27:50,970 --> 00:27:53,137
Maybe that works.
What do you think?
483
00:27:53,139 --> 00:27:57,041
Nope. Okay.
I think we have to go, man.
484
00:27:57,043 --> 00:27:59,843
- Daddy, you promised
i could watch it.
485
00:27:59,845 --> 00:28:01,945
Please, please, please!
486
00:28:01,947 --> 00:28:04,682
- I know, honey. I'm sorry.
- You know what, man?
I got an idea.
487
00:28:04,684 --> 00:28:07,017
Hey, come with me.
488
00:28:09,521 --> 00:28:11,555
This way, please.
489
00:28:11,557 --> 00:28:15,292
- Where are we going?
- Step right up
to the magic swing set.
490
00:28:15,294 --> 00:28:18,529
Right in here, my man.
- It's all right, buddy.
491
00:28:18,531 --> 00:28:21,365
- Bring him on in. May I?
492
00:28:21,367 --> 00:28:23,500
- Sure. What are you doing?
493
00:28:23,502 --> 00:28:26,003
- Don't question me.
I got four of these.
494
00:28:26,005 --> 00:28:28,372
That's what I thought.
- I have two.
495
00:28:28,374 --> 00:28:31,175
- I got myself involved
in the swing set.
496
00:28:31,177 --> 00:28:34,244
Can I have that, please?
Thank you.
497
00:28:34,246 --> 00:28:37,347
I know.
Can I just give you one tip?
498
00:28:37,349 --> 00:28:40,851
You might wanna get yourself
like a soft, fuzzy blanket,
499
00:28:40,853 --> 00:28:42,986
instead
of this piece-of-shit towel.
500
00:28:42,988 --> 00:28:45,889
- Yeah, I forgot the blanket.
And that's your towel,
by the way.
501
00:28:45,891 --> 00:28:50,060
- Oh. Well, then we have
disgusting towels.
502
00:28:50,062 --> 00:28:53,397
All right, watch and learn.
503
00:28:53,399 --> 00:28:55,499
Watch.
504
00:28:57,269 --> 00:28:59,103
- What?
505
00:29:05,777 --> 00:29:08,645
Whoa. Whoa.
506
00:29:12,217 --> 00:29:14,218
That is fucking incredible.
507
00:29:40,913 --> 00:29:43,413
- Oh, hey, here's our car.
I sprang for an SUV,
508
00:29:43,415 --> 00:29:45,415
'cause I'm a bad-ass bitch
like that.
509
00:29:45,417 --> 00:29:47,251
- Yeah!
- You got us a car? Why?
510
00:29:47,253 --> 00:29:49,553
- Uh, to get around?
511
00:29:49,555 --> 00:29:51,889
- No, no, it's good, all right?
We're gonna leave
the crime scene to cool out.
512
00:29:51,891 --> 00:29:53,490
We're gonna leave
the cars there to deflect.
513
00:29:53,492 --> 00:29:54,958
And that's our little Katie
right there,
514
00:29:54,960 --> 00:29:57,161
'cause, whoo, yeah,
you got our six!
515
00:29:57,163 --> 00:29:59,797
- I don't even know
what you're talking about!
What the fuck is six?
516
00:29:59,799 --> 00:30:02,432
- Oh, come on,
that's military jargon, right?
- Okay.
517
00:30:02,434 --> 00:30:05,769
- Yeah, six is back.
Katie, you got our six, girl.
518
00:30:05,771 --> 00:30:08,505
- Roger that, you crazy cunt.
- Yeah, I'm a crazy cunt.
519
00:30:08,507 --> 00:30:10,307
- Wow.
520
00:30:10,309 --> 00:30:13,510
- Guys, I got a bad feeling
about getting in these things.
521
00:30:13,512 --> 00:30:16,647
You hear about these guys,
they ride around all day,
522
00:30:16,649 --> 00:30:20,484
and they pick up the last ride
and just snap like crazy.
523
00:30:20,486 --> 00:30:23,520
- They do not.
- It happens all the time.
- Stop.
524
00:30:23,522 --> 00:30:26,023
- Man, Jamie,
you weren't messing around
525
00:30:26,025 --> 00:30:28,292
when you said you get paranoid.
526
00:30:28,294 --> 00:30:30,260
- I know. And the problem is,
527
00:30:30,262 --> 00:30:33,530
I always had Theo with me
when I got high.
528
00:30:33,532 --> 00:30:37,501
He took care of me
when I started to get like this.
He was like my person.
529
00:30:37,503 --> 00:30:39,403
- I'm gonna be your person.
530
00:30:40,505 --> 00:30:43,106
You don't have to worry.
I got you, girl.
531
00:30:43,108 --> 00:30:45,108
- Thank you.
- It's okay.
532
00:30:45,110 --> 00:30:47,377
- That was a fun night,
you guys.
533
00:30:47,379 --> 00:30:50,347
- Em, there's no fucking way
I'm doing bedtime tonight.
534
00:30:50,349 --> 00:30:54,718
I mean, if I am staying out
with you gals,
i need to get more supplies.
535
00:30:54,720 --> 00:30:57,721
- Ooh, I better stay out here.
I'm done with that stuff.
536
00:30:57,723 --> 00:30:59,690
- No, we're sticking together.
Like sister-wives.
537
00:30:59,692 --> 00:31:01,692
Come on, don't worry about it.
538
00:31:01,694 --> 00:31:05,195
It's like crabtree & Evelyn,
but with weed.
539
00:31:06,331 --> 00:31:07,798
- All right.
540
00:31:09,568 --> 00:31:11,401
- For fucksake, Wayne,
you know who I am.
541
00:31:11,403 --> 00:31:14,004
Now please, just play nice.
I have brought friends with me.
542
00:31:14,006 --> 00:31:17,507
- Oh, very nice.
Ladies, my name is Wayne.
543
00:31:17,509 --> 00:31:21,044
I am your marijuana sommelier
for the evening.
544
00:31:21,046 --> 00:31:23,647
Oh, and here's Brady.
- My ears are burning.
545
00:31:23,649 --> 00:31:25,382
- He's my partner.
- Hey, Kate!
546
00:31:25,384 --> 00:31:28,185
- Brady! How are you?
- Thanks for coming in.
547
00:31:28,187 --> 00:31:29,720
Hi, guys.
- Hey.
548
00:31:29,722 --> 00:31:31,521
- Hey, look, anything you want,
we've got it.
549
00:31:31,523 --> 00:31:33,323
If we don't have it,
we'll grow it.
550
00:31:33,325 --> 00:31:35,659
If we can't grow it,
we're gonna get it
551
00:31:35,661 --> 00:31:37,494
from some factory
in some godforsaken land.
552
00:31:37,496 --> 00:31:39,062
- You know what,
you know what?
553
00:31:39,064 --> 00:31:41,198
I think we should set them up
554
00:31:41,200 --> 00:31:44,201
with our selection of stuff
that's for mothers,
555
00:31:44,203 --> 00:31:45,936
'cause, you know,
we love the mothers.
556
00:31:45,938 --> 00:31:47,537
- We love our mothers.
- Pfft.
557
00:31:47,539 --> 00:31:49,106
- Sounds good.
558
00:31:51,410 --> 00:31:53,543
- Let's begin with this one.
559
00:31:53,545 --> 00:31:56,546
I think you might enjoy.
It's Ruth bader ganja.
560
00:31:56,548 --> 00:31:58,916
- You guys fans
of supreme court justices?
561
00:31:58,918 --> 00:32:01,551
- Oh, yeah.
- Well, you might've heard
of Ruth bader ginsburg.
562
00:32:01,553 --> 00:32:04,221
It's now Ruth bader ganja.
- Ruth bader ganja.
563
00:32:04,223 --> 00:32:06,390
We were playing around
with John Stevens for a while,
564
00:32:06,392 --> 00:32:08,358
but we couldn't really think
of anything for that.
565
00:32:08,360 --> 00:32:10,627
- But for you
i think it's very good,
566
00:32:10,629 --> 00:32:14,097
- because it will get you...
- ....Supremely high.
567
00:32:14,099 --> 00:32:17,267
- But at the same time,
you'll still be able
to mediate family disputes
568
00:32:17,269 --> 00:32:20,137
or decide on
what you might be cooking or...
569
00:32:20,139 --> 00:32:23,540
- It's also a really fun weed
when you need to concentrate.
570
00:32:23,542 --> 00:32:25,976
You can build a castle
out of legos.
571
00:32:25,978 --> 00:32:28,445
You can play
with calico critters all night.
572
00:32:28,447 --> 00:32:30,314
Shopkins, and you have
total concentration.
573
00:32:30,316 --> 00:32:32,449
- We put just a pinch
of Adderall in there,
574
00:32:32,451 --> 00:32:34,584
which gives you
just that extra dash of focus.
575
00:32:34,586 --> 00:32:37,220
- What?
- Yeah. It'd be cool
if you didn't say anything,
576
00:32:37,222 --> 00:32:39,323
just because it's, you know,
it's very illegal.
577
00:32:39,325 --> 00:32:41,224
- But maybe can we talk
about edibles?
578
00:32:41,226 --> 00:32:42,993
- Oh.
- Oh, absolutely.
579
00:32:42,995 --> 00:32:45,963
Which, by the way, reminds me,
do any of you have glaucoma?
580
00:32:45,965 --> 00:32:48,465
If so, we are giving away
some free gummy worms.
581
00:32:48,467 --> 00:32:50,133
- I have glaucoma.
- Oh, excellent!
582
00:32:50,135 --> 00:32:52,903
- You have glaucoma?
- Oh, you're gonna love these--
583
00:32:52,905 --> 00:32:56,106
- you do not have glaucoma!
- Oh, wait, you're kidding.
584
00:32:56,108 --> 00:32:59,009
You don't have glaucoma.
No, I get it.
585
00:32:59,011 --> 00:33:00,777
You guys are so our speed.
- Yeah.
586
00:33:00,779 --> 00:33:03,313
- 'Cause you play around,
you can joke, you have a good--
587
00:33:03,315 --> 00:33:06,316
- we do the same thing.
We joke around each other
even at home.
588
00:33:06,318 --> 00:33:08,352
- It's so crazy.
People don't even get
our humour.
589
00:33:08,354 --> 00:33:10,020
- And the wives are, like:
"What the fuck--
590
00:33:10,022 --> 00:33:11,788
- ...you guys talking about?"
- That's why we...
591
00:33:11,790 --> 00:33:14,024
- Don't hang out with them much,
but these are really good.
592
00:33:14,026 --> 00:33:15,759
These are called
good night moons.
593
00:33:15,761 --> 00:33:18,028
You know the children's book,
good night moon?
594
00:33:18,030 --> 00:33:20,664
- Of course.
- Obviously.
And then what mother doesn't?
595
00:33:20,666 --> 00:33:22,766
- And we went ahead
and added the s.
596
00:33:22,768 --> 00:33:24,334
You know, good night moons.
- Moons.
597
00:33:24,336 --> 00:33:26,636
- This is delicious.
- Wayne.
598
00:33:26,638 --> 00:33:28,872
Somebody's discovered our balls.
599
00:33:28,874 --> 00:33:31,641
We make those here
- oh, I like it.
600
00:33:31,643 --> 00:33:33,877
- It will fuck you up.
It's really intense.
601
00:33:33,879 --> 00:33:35,545
- You know how you have
that concentrated detergent.
602
00:33:35,547 --> 00:33:38,548
"This one little thimbleful
for the whole washer?"
603
00:33:38,550 --> 00:33:40,684
But yeah,
because it's that concentrated.
604
00:33:40,686 --> 00:33:44,321
- How much of your own products
do you get
your little paws into?
605
00:33:44,323 --> 00:33:46,523
- Oh, we don't smoke.
- I don't do it.
606
00:33:46,525 --> 00:33:48,125
- Are you kidding me?
- No.
607
00:33:48,127 --> 00:33:51,028
- My only addiction is mad men.
Oh, forget it.
608
00:33:51,030 --> 00:33:53,397
- He loves it.
- Every week. Forget it.
609
00:33:55,466 --> 00:33:58,368
- Tom. Tom, you got to see this.
610
00:33:58,370 --> 00:34:00,937
Kate's partying
with the school moms.
611
00:34:01,873 --> 00:34:04,708
It's on the bubble-bath chick's
instagram.
612
00:34:04,710 --> 00:34:07,544
- You know,
it really is embarrassing
that you follow her.
613
00:34:07,546 --> 00:34:10,981
- Yeah. I know.
And it's embarrassing
that she doesn't follow me back.
614
00:34:10,983 --> 00:34:14,184
- Okay, I gave Amelia
a five-minute warning.
615
00:34:14,186 --> 00:34:17,854
- Oh, oh, grab that door,
grab that door!
- What?
616
00:34:19,224 --> 00:34:22,592
- Uh... it locks
when it's not supposed to.
617
00:34:22,594 --> 00:34:25,562
That's my fault.
I should've told you.
618
00:34:25,564 --> 00:34:27,731
We are momentarily
locked out.
619
00:34:27,733 --> 00:34:30,033
- What do you mean,
momentarily locked out?
620
00:34:30,035 --> 00:34:33,036
- What I said: Momentarily.
We keep a spare down here
621
00:34:33,038 --> 00:34:35,439
in one of those
fake-dog-poop things.
622
00:34:35,441 --> 00:34:37,340
Why don't we just do this?
623
00:34:37,342 --> 00:34:40,043
Why don't we just let them
finish their movie in there,
624
00:34:40,045 --> 00:34:42,279
and me and you
will chill out here with Wyatt?
625
00:34:42,281 --> 00:34:43,880
- Oh, yeah, well, actually,
i was hoping
626
00:34:43,882 --> 00:34:45,916
to get the kids home
before Emily got back.
627
00:34:45,918 --> 00:34:48,618
- Oh, well, Kate texted and said
they were gonna stay out later.
628
00:34:48,620 --> 00:34:50,420
- What?
- Oh.
629
00:34:50,422 --> 00:34:52,155
I think I'm supposed
to tell you that.
630
00:34:53,925 --> 00:34:56,893
- Okay. Yeah, sure.
631
00:34:56,895 --> 00:34:58,361
- Mm...
632
00:34:58,363 --> 00:35:01,064
I haven't licked a ball
in a decade.
633
00:35:01,066 --> 00:35:05,235
- It got you your divorce.
- Do not tell me
you still blow your husbands.
634
00:35:05,237 --> 00:35:08,371
- I never blew Theo. I mean,
maybe for like a minute
on his birthday.
635
00:35:08,373 --> 00:35:10,107
- And divorce.
636
00:35:10,109 --> 00:35:11,875
- Sometimes it's just easier,
you know,
637
00:35:11,877 --> 00:35:14,444
like a quick one during
a commercial break of kimmel.
638
00:35:14,446 --> 00:35:17,781
Andrew's psyched
and I don't have to have him
lying all over me.
639
00:35:17,783 --> 00:35:19,382
- I hear that, sister.
640
00:35:19,384 --> 00:35:21,384
My preference
is antiques roadshow.
641
00:35:21,386 --> 00:35:24,955
There's no commercials,
but I just pop down there.
642
00:35:24,957 --> 00:35:26,957
Me blowing those nuts.
643
00:35:26,959 --> 00:35:29,659
I'm back in time
for the ming dynasty office.
644
00:35:29,661 --> 00:35:32,562
- Oh, lord, well, just imagine
having to be single again.
645
00:35:32,564 --> 00:35:35,165
It's all back on the table
for me now.
646
00:35:35,167 --> 00:35:38,135
What if I have to do anal again?
- Again?
- Look at this way.
647
00:35:38,137 --> 00:35:42,139
Maybe you'll meet the guy
that makes you
wanna do anal again.
648
00:35:42,141 --> 00:35:44,741
- Thank god I never did.
649
00:35:44,743 --> 00:35:48,078
- Emily's one of those rare
angels who actually married
the first guy she had sex with.
650
00:35:48,080 --> 00:35:50,413
- What?!
- No fucking way!
- No, I didn't. Come on.
651
00:35:50,415 --> 00:35:52,983
- Don't hit me! It's true!
- No, I was young.
652
00:35:52,985 --> 00:35:55,852
- You guys,
i think we're being followed.
We're being followed.
653
00:35:55,854 --> 00:35:57,988
Do you hear the footsteps?
- Yeah, ours.
654
00:35:57,990 --> 00:36:00,490
- I think you've had
one too many licks.
655
00:36:00,492 --> 00:36:02,092
How about we get a drink
over there,
656
00:36:02,094 --> 00:36:03,860
cool out for a bit?
- Okay, let's do that.
657
00:36:03,862 --> 00:36:05,595
- Oh, we got a runner!
658
00:36:05,597 --> 00:36:07,230
- Shit.
659
00:36:10,601 --> 00:36:12,936
- Excuse me. Excuse me.
660
00:36:12,938 --> 00:36:14,337
Excuse me.
661
00:36:16,340 --> 00:36:18,008
Oh, wow.
662
00:36:18,010 --> 00:36:21,711
You have beautiful,
beautiful bone structure.
663
00:36:24,148 --> 00:36:26,049
- Thank you.
664
00:36:26,051 --> 00:36:28,218
How about a coke?
- Oh, no.
665
00:36:28,220 --> 00:36:31,021
Actually, I was gonna get
a vodka-and-tonic,
because it's transparent.
666
00:36:31,023 --> 00:36:35,225
That way if some weirdo
tries to slip something in it,
i can see it to protect myself.
667
00:36:35,227 --> 00:36:39,729
- Okay, how about a sprite?
Also transparent.
See? Look at that.
668
00:36:39,731 --> 00:36:42,899
- I'd love a glenlivit,
one cube. Thank you so much.
- Glenlivit, one cube.
669
00:36:42,901 --> 00:36:44,668
- And can we grab
two house whites?
670
00:36:44,670 --> 00:36:47,671
- House whites, all right.
Here you go. All right.
671
00:36:47,673 --> 00:36:49,673
Let me guess...
672
00:36:49,675 --> 00:36:51,474
Mom's night out?
673
00:36:51,476 --> 00:36:53,743
- Again?
- Oh, come on.
674
00:36:53,745 --> 00:36:58,014
- Should we be offended
you just immediately assumed
that we are all moms?
675
00:36:58,016 --> 00:37:00,116
- No. You should be flattered.
676
00:37:04,922 --> 00:37:07,257
- It says moms.
677
00:37:07,259 --> 00:37:09,192
- Yeah, I got two of them.
- Oh.
678
00:37:09,194 --> 00:37:10,594
- Good eye, by the way.
679
00:37:10,596 --> 00:37:12,395
Usually,
people don't notice that.
680
00:37:12,397 --> 00:37:16,366
- I got a thing for details.
It's like a bad lawyer habit.
681
00:37:16,368 --> 00:37:18,768
I'm Emily.
- Luke.
682
00:37:18,770 --> 00:37:20,670
- Luke as in...
683
00:37:20,672 --> 00:37:22,872
This your place, Luke?
684
00:37:22,874 --> 00:37:24,708
- That's me.
- Cool.
685
00:37:24,710 --> 00:37:26,876
A little help over here?
686
00:37:26,878 --> 00:37:28,445
- Excuse me, ladies.
- Okay.
687
00:37:28,447 --> 00:37:30,914
- What's gotten to you, em?
- Wine.
688
00:37:30,916 --> 00:37:32,949
- Weed.
689
00:37:32,951 --> 00:37:35,919
I am so sorry
that I tricked you into tonight.
690
00:37:35,921 --> 00:37:37,554
- Ah, you know what?
691
00:37:37,556 --> 00:37:39,723
I hate to admit it,
but I'm having a great time.
692
00:37:39,725 --> 00:37:41,358
- It's kind of a perfect night,
right?
693
00:37:41,360 --> 00:37:43,126
- You know what would make it
even more perfect,
694
00:37:43,128 --> 00:37:45,128
would be if Jake Ryan
just like wandered in here.
695
00:37:45,130 --> 00:37:47,964
- Oh, god, Jake Ryan.
- Oh!
696
00:37:47,966 --> 00:37:50,100
I love that guy!
697
00:37:50,102 --> 00:37:52,302
Sixteen candles.
698
00:37:52,304 --> 00:37:55,639
- Oh, for me that was all about
Anthony Michael hall.
- What?
699
00:37:55,641 --> 00:37:58,742
- Farmer Ted. Ugh!
- What?
- Yeah, I love his little fuss.
700
00:37:58,744 --> 00:38:01,077
- You do not!
- I do! I can't help myself.
701
00:38:01,079 --> 00:38:03,980
- Oh, my god!
- Put him right in there,
bounce him around.
702
00:38:03,982 --> 00:38:07,917
- No, I have to say, for me,
Jake Ryan, he was my ideal.
703
00:38:07,919 --> 00:38:09,753
He ruined romance for me.
Honestly.
704
00:38:09,755 --> 00:38:12,589
- It's true, because no guy
could ever live up to him.
705
00:38:12,591 --> 00:38:14,658
No guy ever will live up to him.
706
00:38:14,660 --> 00:38:16,393
- Well, he's a character
in a movie.
707
00:38:16,395 --> 00:38:19,462
- I always liked
some kind of wonderful.
708
00:38:19,464 --> 00:38:21,931
- Some kind of wonderful. Yes.
709
00:38:21,933 --> 00:38:23,733
Eric stoltz, Lea Thompson--
710
00:38:23,735 --> 00:38:26,436
- no, Eric stoltz,
Mary Stuart Masterson.
711
00:38:26,438 --> 00:38:29,472
- Yes! God, I can't believe
i forgot that! Yes!
712
00:38:29,474 --> 00:38:32,242
God, Mary Stuart
had that killer little haircut.
713
00:38:32,244 --> 00:38:35,512
- Super cute.
- She was so cool.
I just want to be her.
714
00:38:37,481 --> 00:38:40,950
Excuse me?
Can I get a drink, please?
715
00:38:40,952 --> 00:38:42,986
- Check you out.
- Don't judge.
716
00:38:42,988 --> 00:38:44,521
- Oh, I am not.
717
00:38:44,523 --> 00:38:46,256
I mean,
a little bit of male attention
718
00:38:46,258 --> 00:38:48,191
might be just what you need
tonight.
719
00:38:49,260 --> 00:38:52,996
- How do you feel about two
delicious ice-cold beverages?
720
00:38:52,998 --> 00:38:55,498
- Yeah, all right.
- I brewed that myself.
721
00:38:55,500 --> 00:38:57,167
In the shed.
722
00:38:57,169 --> 00:39:01,171
Let me know if you get
just a hint of bacon in there.
723
00:39:01,173 --> 00:39:03,373
- Whoa. That's, uh--
- right?
724
00:39:03,375 --> 00:39:06,042
- That's a lot of bacon.
- Oh, a lot of bacon.
725
00:39:06,044 --> 00:39:08,178
- This is like a, um...
726
00:39:08,180 --> 00:39:12,382
Some sort of like
a bacon... juice thing?
727
00:39:13,384 --> 00:39:15,518
- That's beer. What do you mean?
- Beer?
728
00:39:15,520 --> 00:39:18,288
- Yes, you dick.
I brew this beer.
- It's gray.
729
00:39:18,290 --> 00:39:20,857
- Did you really not know
that this was beer?
730
00:39:20,859 --> 00:39:24,027
- Can you carbonate it?
Is that part
of a different process?
731
00:39:24,029 --> 00:39:25,528
- This is all great feedback.
732
00:39:25,530 --> 00:39:27,897
- You want me to keep going?
- No, no, no.
733
00:39:27,899 --> 00:39:30,066
I think I got your gist of it.
734
00:39:30,068 --> 00:39:32,836
These girls are having a blast.
735
00:39:32,838 --> 00:39:34,604
- What... what is it?
736
00:39:36,841 --> 00:39:38,641
- They keep posting to insta.
737
00:39:38,643 --> 00:39:41,878
- Well, Emily's certainly having
a blast. Who's that?
738
00:39:41,880 --> 00:39:44,180
- I think they're just having
some drinks, man.
739
00:39:44,182 --> 00:39:47,050
And if I know Kate,
she's super stoned by now.
740
00:39:47,052 --> 00:39:48,818
That guy looks like a bartender.
741
00:39:48,820 --> 00:39:50,487
They're having fun.
742
00:39:53,858 --> 00:39:57,560
- Fun. She has this whole thing
about fucking fun.
743
00:39:57,562 --> 00:40:01,731
We don't have... fun anymore,
like we never have fun.
744
00:40:03,067 --> 00:40:05,435
- What do you think?
You think you guys are fun?
745
00:40:05,437 --> 00:40:09,038
- Well, I mean, you know,
I'm pretty stressed out,
746
00:40:09,040 --> 00:40:11,074
you know... generally, I guess.
747
00:40:11,076 --> 00:40:14,244
- What?!
What are you talking about?
748
00:40:14,246 --> 00:40:17,080
Don't say that about yourself.
- All right.
749
00:40:17,082 --> 00:40:21,117
Well, look, I'm running, like,
11 different projects at work,
750
00:40:21,119 --> 00:40:24,788
and on the phone,
dealing with like building codes
751
00:40:24,790 --> 00:40:26,890
and contractors
and asshole clients
752
00:40:26,892 --> 00:40:28,491
in like five states.
753
00:40:29,460 --> 00:40:31,461
- That fucking blows.
- Yeah.
754
00:40:31,463 --> 00:40:36,699
So, you know, when I get home,
i don't wanna deal with anyone.
755
00:40:36,701 --> 00:40:39,903
- Right.
- And honestly,
neither does she.
756
00:40:39,905 --> 00:40:41,971
- Fuck.
- Yeah.
757
00:40:43,574 --> 00:40:45,909
It's not the high point
of our relationship.
758
00:40:45,911 --> 00:40:47,644
- Yeah.
759
00:40:47,646 --> 00:40:51,781
Look, man, I think that you guys
need to cut yourself a break
760
00:40:51,783 --> 00:40:53,917
while you're still
in the trenches
761
00:40:53,919 --> 00:40:55,952
and the kids are so young.
762
00:40:55,954 --> 00:40:59,289
You know, try to just laugh
at some of the bullshit
763
00:40:59,291 --> 00:41:02,659
and not be angry at each other,
like, all the time.
764
00:41:02,661 --> 00:41:04,494
- So, like, lower the bar?
765
00:41:04,496 --> 00:41:06,329
- Yeah. Like...
766
00:41:07,932 --> 00:41:10,066
...just a bit.
767
00:41:10,935 --> 00:41:13,002
- You're really lowering
the bar.
768
00:41:13,004 --> 00:41:16,072
- Just keep it realistic.
- You can dig a hole
and put the bar in it.
769
00:41:16,074 --> 00:41:17,941
- Not that...
Yeah, not that low.
770
00:41:17,943 --> 00:41:21,511
- I need a lot of room, though,
because I tend to do this a lot.
771
00:41:21,513 --> 00:41:23,179
- That's good.
- I just keep doing it,
772
00:41:23,181 --> 00:41:25,381
and doing it and doing it.
- Just don't... okay.
773
00:41:28,352 --> 00:41:30,587
- That's a gorgeous beer.
774
00:41:38,196 --> 00:41:40,196
- You are so resourceful.
775
00:41:40,198 --> 00:41:41,664
- Mm...
776
00:41:41,666 --> 00:41:43,666
- I mean, our philosophy is,
777
00:41:43,668 --> 00:41:47,337
if we can stay
pretty much into each other,
778
00:41:47,339 --> 00:41:49,873
three or four months
out of the year
779
00:41:49,875 --> 00:41:52,342
while keeping our kids alive,
780
00:41:52,344 --> 00:41:55,278
teaching them to be
semi-decent human beings--
781
00:41:55,280 --> 00:41:57,547
- right.
- --We're golden.
782
00:41:57,549 --> 00:41:59,282
- Huh.
783
00:42:00,551 --> 00:42:03,386
Now, those three or four months,
are they, like,
784
00:42:03,388 --> 00:42:05,989
spread throughout the year,
or are those consecutive?
785
00:42:05,991 --> 00:42:08,057
- Spread throughout the year.
- Okay.
786
00:42:08,059 --> 00:42:10,894
- I'm getting so many likes
from my rose-budding post.
787
00:42:10,896 --> 00:42:13,830
A lot of new friend requests,
too,
788
00:42:13,832 --> 00:42:15,965
but weird ones like hard4buttz.
789
00:42:15,967 --> 00:42:18,635
Buttking343,
790
00:42:18,637 --> 00:42:20,470
assmeanything.
791
00:42:20,472 --> 00:42:22,872
- Okay, Jamie,
let me see this post.
792
00:42:22,874 --> 00:42:26,809
Okay. Do you know
what rose-budding is?
793
00:42:26,811 --> 00:42:30,380
- When you throw the roses...
- Not exactly.
794
00:42:30,382 --> 00:42:32,081
I think you should
take this post down
795
00:42:32,083 --> 00:42:33,816
and don't accept any
of these friend request,
796
00:42:33,818 --> 00:42:35,318
because these people
are not your friends.
797
00:42:35,320 --> 00:42:38,821
- I'm so tired all the time.
We both are.
798
00:42:38,823 --> 00:42:41,257
It sounds like a joke,
but it's not.
799
00:42:41,259 --> 00:42:44,727
I literally can fall asleep
while I'm pooping on the toilet.
800
00:42:44,729 --> 00:42:46,596
- Okay, well, this isn't a joke.
801
00:42:46,598 --> 00:42:49,065
I would like you to teach me
how to do that.
802
00:42:49,067 --> 00:42:51,401
- Okay. Well,
this is gonna sound weird.
803
00:42:51,403 --> 00:42:53,236
I would love to.
804
00:42:53,238 --> 00:42:55,605
- Oh, wait, wait.
805
00:42:55,607 --> 00:42:58,007
It's my mother-in-law.
806
00:42:58,009 --> 00:42:59,776
- Please don't answer
and kill this sweet buzz.
807
00:42:59,778 --> 00:43:01,878
- Never.
- This is so fun.
808
00:43:01,880 --> 00:43:03,947
- Oh, fuck, trust me.
809
00:43:03,949 --> 00:43:07,917
- I love Halloween candy.
- Yeah, and you guys
stock up early, huh?
810
00:43:09,420 --> 00:43:11,854
- Actually...
811
00:43:11,856 --> 00:43:15,091
These are the kids'
from last year.
812
00:43:18,896 --> 00:43:21,931
- One time, Theo, his mom and i
were sitting on the couch
watching a movie.
813
00:43:21,933 --> 00:43:24,534
I was massaging Theo's back
and his shoulders,
814
00:43:24,536 --> 00:43:27,403
and all of a sudden
i feel something.
815
00:43:27,405 --> 00:43:31,374
It was his mom's hand.
She was rubbing his back, too.
816
00:43:31,376 --> 00:43:34,644
We were both massaging him
at the same time.
817
00:43:34,646 --> 00:43:36,879
- Oh, my god!
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
818
00:43:36,881 --> 00:43:38,314
- So awkward!
- Fucking sick!
819
00:43:38,316 --> 00:43:41,451
What is it with mothers
and their sons?
820
00:43:41,453 --> 00:43:43,252
- Check this out.
821
00:43:43,254 --> 00:43:45,088
You see this?
822
00:43:45,090 --> 00:43:48,324
I got this last Thanksgiving
fighting with my mother-in-law
823
00:43:48,326 --> 00:43:50,727
over who was gonna make
the cranberry sauce.
824
00:43:50,729 --> 00:43:55,131
That woman has got
lifeless eyes, black eyes,
825
00:43:55,133 --> 00:43:58,501
American girl doll
Jess McConnell eyes.
826
00:43:58,503 --> 00:44:01,604
- Oh!
- Jersey shore, 2002.
827
00:44:01,606 --> 00:44:03,673
- Yeah?
- Andrew's mom stepped on me
828
00:44:03,675 --> 00:44:06,943
with her old-lady jelly mules
trying to be the first
829
00:44:06,945 --> 00:44:09,178
to lay out
his fucking beach towel.
830
00:44:09,180 --> 00:44:11,814
- Okay, ladies,
here's what I figured out.
You're not gonna like this shit.
831
00:44:11,816 --> 00:44:14,484
But we are all gonna end up
just like our mothers-in-laws.
832
00:44:14,486 --> 00:44:16,753
- No fucking way.
- Mm-hmm.
833
00:44:16,755 --> 00:44:20,790
Fucking way, fucking way.
I'm telling you, I'm gonna be
all over my William.
834
00:44:20,792 --> 00:44:24,494
I can already tell, I can!
I love that kid so much!
835
00:44:24,496 --> 00:44:27,096
Fuck his wife. I raised him,
i earned that shit.
836
00:44:27,098 --> 00:44:29,532
- Yeah, well, try having four.
- Believe me.
837
00:44:29,534 --> 00:44:32,969
- As far as I'm concerned,
they can move in with
their future wives anytime now.
838
00:44:32,971 --> 00:44:36,039
- Oh, you think so?
You say that now,
but I'm gonna tell you,
839
00:44:36,041 --> 00:44:38,007
mark my words,
we are all gonna be
840
00:44:38,009 --> 00:44:39,642
inappropriately massaging
our grown sons.
841
00:44:39,644 --> 00:44:42,545
- Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!
- What?
842
00:44:42,547 --> 00:44:44,514
Show me.
843
00:44:44,516 --> 00:44:46,315
- Oh, god!!
844
00:44:46,317 --> 00:44:47,984
- Jamie just looked up
rose-budding.
845
00:44:47,986 --> 00:44:50,386
- Delete.
- That is fucking disgusting!
846
00:44:50,388 --> 00:44:51,554
- It's an anus.
847
00:44:51,556 --> 00:44:53,856
- Okay, tom.
848
00:44:53,858 --> 00:44:56,359
I think I'm ready
to share something with you
849
00:44:56,361 --> 00:44:58,661
that might just help
with that Emily situation.
850
00:44:58,663 --> 00:45:03,166
It's a little trick that I call
"two cs a day."
851
00:45:03,168 --> 00:45:05,368
Have you heard of that?
852
00:45:05,370 --> 00:45:06,969
- No. What?
853
00:45:06,971 --> 00:45:09,572
- Cs like compliments?
854
00:45:09,574 --> 00:45:12,175
- So you give Kate
two compliments every day?
855
00:45:12,177 --> 00:45:14,010
- That's right.
856
00:45:14,012 --> 00:45:18,648
So, for example, I'll do one c
like straight out of the gate.
857
00:45:18,650 --> 00:45:21,918
I'll do a c about usually her
physical appearance, you know.
858
00:45:21,920 --> 00:45:24,387
Like, what she's wearing
or how she looks,
859
00:45:24,389 --> 00:45:25,988
something like that.
860
00:45:25,990 --> 00:45:29,025
But you wanna try to use
the words "beautiful,"
861
00:45:29,027 --> 00:45:31,661
or "hot," or "sexy,"
something like that.
862
00:45:31,663 --> 00:45:34,931
Don't ever say "nice"
or "pretty."
They don't like that.
863
00:45:34,933 --> 00:45:38,334
Then later on in the day,
i try to follow up
with another c,
864
00:45:38,336 --> 00:45:40,269
but this is more
of an appreciation c,
865
00:45:40,271 --> 00:45:44,874
like: "How am I so lucky
to be in this with you?"
866
00:45:44,876 --> 00:45:46,843
You know, but super Sincere.
The thing is,
867
00:45:46,845 --> 00:45:49,278
I'm starting to feel
a little bit guilty about it,
868
00:45:49,280 --> 00:45:52,348
because I'm now getting
so much out of it.
869
00:45:52,350 --> 00:45:53,783
- Like blowjob?
870
00:45:53,785 --> 00:45:55,852
- Yeah, like blowjobs.
- Really?
871
00:45:55,854 --> 00:45:58,654
- Yeah,
while I'm watching kimmel.
- Whoa.
872
00:45:59,790 --> 00:46:01,591
Where did you get this idea?
873
00:46:01,593 --> 00:46:04,761
- We had a big fight
and she was, like:
874
00:46:04,763 --> 00:46:07,597
"I don't feel like
you even appreciate me.
875
00:46:07,599 --> 00:46:11,367
Why don't you say one nice thing
to me every single day?"
876
00:46:11,369 --> 00:46:14,904
- Okay, all right.
So your big, like, genius plan
877
00:46:14,906 --> 00:46:18,441
is something that your wife
told you to do?
878
00:46:18,443 --> 00:46:22,445
- No, she said one a day,
i upped it to two.
879
00:46:24,615 --> 00:46:27,550
- All right. Come clean, newbie.
880
00:46:27,552 --> 00:46:29,752
- Whatever do you mean?
881
00:46:29,754 --> 00:46:33,623
- Wow, clearly you were an extra
on cocktail, tom cruise.
882
00:46:33,625 --> 00:46:36,726
- Close. I tended a bar,
summer of '99,
883
00:46:36,728 --> 00:46:39,061
the yacht club
on lake Michigan.
884
00:46:39,063 --> 00:46:41,430
- Wow.
- Our signature drink:
885
00:46:41,432 --> 00:46:43,900
Summer on the shore. For you.
886
00:46:48,672 --> 00:46:50,807
- That's a pretty good g&t.
887
00:46:50,809 --> 00:46:53,643
You make this for your husband
when he comes walking
through the door?
888
00:46:53,645 --> 00:46:56,579
- Not lately.
889
00:46:57,981 --> 00:47:00,016
- Oh, excuse me.
- My god, not again.
890
00:47:00,018 --> 00:47:01,517
God, I'm gonna kill them.
891
00:47:01,519 --> 00:47:03,252
- Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls,
892
00:47:03,254 --> 00:47:05,254
please direct your attention
to centre stage,
893
00:47:05,256 --> 00:47:08,858
because, yes, it is that time:
Karaoke hour.
894
00:47:08,860 --> 00:47:11,828
Karaoke hour!
895
00:47:11,830 --> 00:47:13,563
- All right.
896
00:47:14,765 --> 00:47:18,501
This one is for you...
And your friends.
897
00:47:18,503 --> 00:47:20,503
Moms, you're on!
898
00:47:20,505 --> 00:47:22,638
- Oh, shit.
899
00:47:22,640 --> 00:47:24,707
- Oh!
900
00:47:24,709 --> 00:47:26,275
- Fuck, yeah.
901
00:47:26,277 --> 00:47:27,977
- Come on, you nailed it.
902
00:47:27,979 --> 00:47:29,745
Let's go.
903
00:47:32,783 --> 00:47:35,218
Whoo!
904
00:47:35,220 --> 00:47:37,854
- Remember this?
- Very well.
905
00:47:38,689 --> 00:47:40,957
We got this, we got this,
we got this.
906
00:48:02,914 --> 00:48:04,714
- Jamie, come here!
907
00:48:04,716 --> 00:48:07,250
- Mel, get up there, baby.
908
00:48:08,552 --> 00:48:11,220
- Give me some English
so I can read this shit.
909
00:48:31,609 --> 00:48:33,075
- But, yeah,
if I'm gonna get khakis,
910
00:48:33,077 --> 00:48:35,011
I want them to be,
like, a nice tan--
911
00:48:35,013 --> 00:48:36,445
- they have...
You can get them anywhere.
912
00:48:36,447 --> 00:48:38,281
- Dad!
What are you doing out here?
913
00:48:38,283 --> 00:48:40,216
- Hey, honey--
- can you guys
grab the door closed?
914
00:48:40,218 --> 00:48:42,451
- Too late.
915
00:48:43,587 --> 00:48:45,087
- We're hungry.
916
00:48:45,089 --> 00:48:46,689
- Hey, let me grab
that spare key real quick.
917
00:48:46,691 --> 00:48:49,091
- All right.
How was the movie, guys?
918
00:48:49,093 --> 00:48:51,193
- It was awesome.
- It was okay.
919
00:48:51,195 --> 00:48:53,596
- Nope, this is not it. Dammit.
- What?
920
00:48:53,598 --> 00:48:56,032
Fuck. That's real poop.
That's not fake.
921
00:48:56,034 --> 00:48:58,868
So what are you saying,
that we're locked out?
922
00:48:58,870 --> 00:49:03,606
- Yeah, tom, we're locked out,
but what's more important
is we don't own a dog.
923
00:49:03,608 --> 00:49:05,741
- Okay.
- Sam, did you do this?
924
00:49:05,743 --> 00:49:07,576
Gross.
925
00:49:07,578 --> 00:49:09,445
- Okay.
- Right?
- Yeah.
926
00:49:09,447 --> 00:49:12,081
- Come on!
Where's a fake piece of poop
when you need it?
927
00:49:12,083 --> 00:49:13,783
- Dude, this is not good.
928
00:49:13,785 --> 00:49:16,452
So you're saying
that we're actually locked out,
929
00:49:16,454 --> 00:49:17,987
like for sure?
930
00:49:17,989 --> 00:49:20,656
- Tom, calm down.
It's gonna be fine, all right?
931
00:49:20,658 --> 00:49:23,125
I'm pretty good in a crisis.
Watch this.
932
00:49:24,995 --> 00:49:27,330
Guys! Guys!!!
933
00:49:27,332 --> 00:49:29,999
Oh, no!!
Oh, no, we're locked out!!
934
00:49:30,001 --> 00:49:33,102
We're locked out!!
What are we gonna do?!
935
00:49:33,104 --> 00:49:36,005
Well, your dad and i
are gonna protect you, okay?!
936
00:49:36,007 --> 00:49:37,907
So don't worry, don't worry!
937
00:49:37,909 --> 00:49:41,744
The bad news is,
we're locked out
until mom gets home!
938
00:49:41,746 --> 00:49:43,879
Oh, but the good news is...
939
00:49:45,015 --> 00:49:47,016
...we got candy.
940
00:49:47,018 --> 00:49:49,285
Yay!!
- Lots of candy!
941
00:49:52,656 --> 00:49:55,992
- Okay, guys,
this is my second move.
It's called the "oh, no, Romeo."
942
00:49:55,994 --> 00:49:58,661
I'm not on the dance floor.
I'm grinding with my girls.
943
00:49:58,663 --> 00:50:00,463
I'm doing my thing. I look good.
944
00:50:00,465 --> 00:50:04,300
He comes up behind me,
he wraps his arms around me.
945
00:50:04,302 --> 00:50:07,503
I say, "oh, no Romeo!
Stop, elbow, go!"
946
00:50:07,505 --> 00:50:10,606
- Oh, no, Romeo!
Pow!
947
00:50:13,177 --> 00:50:16,278
Oh, my god, oh, my god.
948
00:50:16,280 --> 00:50:18,280
- Oh! Hey.
949
00:50:18,282 --> 00:50:19,849
All right.
950
00:50:19,851 --> 00:50:21,484
I'm good.
- Are you okay?
951
00:50:21,486 --> 00:50:23,319
- I'm good. This...
- I'm sorry about that.
952
00:50:23,321 --> 00:50:25,688
- Oh, you don't have
nothing to be sorry about.
953
00:50:25,690 --> 00:50:27,490
That felt good in a way.
954
00:50:27,492 --> 00:50:29,792
- That's the "oh, no, Romeo."
Yeah.
955
00:50:30,861 --> 00:50:32,862
- So where are you taking me?
956
00:50:32,864 --> 00:50:34,697
- Truth?
- Please.
957
00:50:34,699 --> 00:50:36,699
- Good to get outside sometimes.
958
00:50:36,701 --> 00:50:41,070
Get away from the bar,
get some fresh air. You know...
959
00:50:41,072 --> 00:50:43,506
- It's really a nice night.
960
00:50:43,508 --> 00:50:45,708
Good breeze.
961
00:50:45,710 --> 00:50:47,309
- You're very cute,
962
00:50:47,311 --> 00:50:50,079
you're very funny,
and you're very smart.
963
00:50:50,081 --> 00:50:53,049
And I'll have you know,
i take my breaks very seriously.
964
00:50:53,051 --> 00:50:56,018
But I had a feeling about you
and I'm just happy
965
00:50:56,020 --> 00:50:57,953
that you came out with me
tonight.
966
00:50:59,723 --> 00:51:02,091
And I apologize in advance
for this.
967
00:51:02,093 --> 00:51:05,361
This is a disgusting,
terrible habit.
968
00:51:05,363 --> 00:51:07,930
Don't judge me.
- Oh, god, are you kidding me?
969
00:51:07,932 --> 00:51:10,266
No. Before kids,
970
00:51:10,268 --> 00:51:13,269
a cigarette,
and a glass of wine at night
was, like...
971
00:51:13,271 --> 00:51:16,005
- Look, we can relive
your old glory days right now.
972
00:51:16,007 --> 00:51:17,907
Nobody's watching.
We're out here by ourselves.
973
00:51:17,909 --> 00:51:19,542
I won't tell.
974
00:51:19,544 --> 00:51:21,744
- Oh, god.
975
00:51:21,746 --> 00:51:23,245
I shouldn't.
976
00:51:23,247 --> 00:51:25,548
It's been years.
977
00:51:25,550 --> 00:51:27,850
- Yeah, you're probably right.
It's not a great look
to be smoking a cigarette
978
00:51:27,852 --> 00:51:29,852
and pushing a stroller
down the street.
979
00:51:29,854 --> 00:51:32,755
Although it's kind of sexy
in like a fucked-up '70s
kind of way.
980
00:51:32,757 --> 00:51:35,124
- You're funny.
981
00:51:35,126 --> 00:51:38,127
- Ooh, you don't have a lighter
by chance, do you?
982
00:51:38,129 --> 00:51:40,863
- Do I have a lighter?
- Oh, you know what?
983
00:51:40,865 --> 00:51:43,265
That's a dumb question.
Of course you don't.
984
00:51:43,267 --> 00:51:46,035
- So... what about you?
Do you have any kids?
985
00:51:46,037 --> 00:51:47,937
Ever been married?
986
00:51:47,939 --> 00:51:49,572
- Nah.
987
00:51:49,574 --> 00:51:52,775
I came close... to both,
988
00:51:52,777 --> 00:51:55,811
but I just think the lifestyle
i was leading in the bar,
989
00:51:55,813 --> 00:51:57,913
and, you know,
all the things going on,
990
00:51:57,915 --> 00:52:00,916
it was just never
very conducive to any of that.
991
00:52:00,918 --> 00:52:03,586
But enough about me.
Let's talk about you.
992
00:52:03,588 --> 00:52:05,788
Emily, the bartending lawyer,
993
00:52:05,790 --> 00:52:08,390
who's been married
for how many years?
994
00:52:08,392 --> 00:52:10,392
- Truth?
995
00:52:10,394 --> 00:52:11,961
- Truth.
996
00:52:11,963 --> 00:52:14,663
- I have been with my husband
since college.
997
00:52:15,599 --> 00:52:17,967
It's boring and predictable,
right?
998
00:52:17,969 --> 00:52:19,802
- Uh, no.
999
00:52:19,804 --> 00:52:21,971
If boring and predictable
is your thing,
1000
00:52:21,973 --> 00:52:23,973
then you're... killing it.
1001
00:52:25,910 --> 00:52:28,944
See, it's not so bad. You get
to spend some quality time
1002
00:52:28,946 --> 00:52:31,747
with a nightlife entrepreneur,
who's actually
kind of a great guy.
1003
00:52:31,749 --> 00:52:33,816
- I get it.
Your name's on your napkins.
1004
00:52:33,818 --> 00:52:35,484
- Is that a fresh tone?
1005
00:52:35,486 --> 00:52:37,419
This is me.
I'm gonna get a lighter.
1006
00:52:37,421 --> 00:52:39,054
- Oh.
- I'll be back.
1007
00:52:44,528 --> 00:52:47,062
- Get out, get out,
get out, get out.
1008
00:52:47,998 --> 00:52:50,099
Ooh.
1009
00:52:50,101 --> 00:52:53,802
- This is pretty weird
that we're all laying
in the car together.
1010
00:52:53,804 --> 00:52:56,939
- Yeah.
But it's kind of fun too, right?
1011
00:52:56,941 --> 00:52:59,441
- It's... unexpected.
1012
00:53:01,212 --> 00:53:04,013
- Where did you learn
that word?
1013
00:53:04,015 --> 00:53:06,448
- From mommy.
It's the word of the day.
1014
00:53:06,450 --> 00:53:09,218
- Oh, mommy has a word
of the day, huh?
1015
00:53:10,220 --> 00:53:14,156
- Daddy, I'm cold and it smells
like Wyatt's poop in here.
1016
00:53:14,158 --> 00:53:16,659
- Oh, wow.
1017
00:53:16,661 --> 00:53:19,161
Is that
what that terrible smell is?
1018
00:53:19,163 --> 00:53:22,231
- No, I thought it was Andrew.
1019
00:53:22,233 --> 00:53:24,099
- You're funny.
- Am I?
1020
00:53:27,837 --> 00:53:29,538
Hey, hon.
1021
00:53:31,041 --> 00:53:32,875
I'm sorry.
1022
00:53:32,877 --> 00:53:35,811
You know, it's my fault
that we are stuck out here,
1023
00:53:35,813 --> 00:53:38,480
and I know
this is not the kind of thing
1024
00:53:38,482 --> 00:53:40,115
that would happen
on mommy's watch.
1025
00:53:41,051 --> 00:53:43,953
She's pretty good
at this stuff, huh?
1026
00:53:44,888 --> 00:53:50,459
- I like it
when you're the mommy too
sometimes, daddy.
1027
00:54:03,741 --> 00:54:05,207
- Whoo!!
1028
00:54:05,209 --> 00:54:07,676
- Thank you so much.
1029
00:54:27,531 --> 00:54:29,298
I'll go check.
1030
00:54:32,370 --> 00:54:36,071
You, I like you.
Get on up here, short-stuff!
1031
00:54:36,073 --> 00:54:38,741
Your dreams
are about to come true!
1032
00:54:43,114 --> 00:54:46,215
- Luke's gone too.
- What?!
1033
00:54:51,455 --> 00:54:53,989
Have you seen
where Emily went?
- No.
1034
00:55:00,498 --> 00:55:03,966
I'm gonna do
a quick perimeter check.
1035
00:55:09,440 --> 00:55:12,908
- Excuse me, where's Luke?
He was here with my friend
all night. Where'd they go?
1036
00:55:12,910 --> 00:55:14,310
- They left like 20 minutes ago.
1037
00:55:14,312 --> 00:55:16,145
I mean, he said he'd be back,
though.
1038
00:55:16,147 --> 00:55:18,781
But, you know, he did check
to make sure I was closing up.
1039
00:55:18,783 --> 00:55:20,649
So they're probably...
1040
00:55:20,651 --> 00:55:23,419
- Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
This does not,
not seem like her.
1041
00:55:23,421 --> 00:55:25,954
She would tell me
if she was leaving.
Where'd they go?
1042
00:55:25,956 --> 00:55:28,257
- He didn't say.
- I'm gonna...
I'm gonna text her.
1043
00:55:28,259 --> 00:55:30,326
- I feel like something's wrong.
1044
00:55:30,328 --> 00:55:32,328
- You felt like
something's wrong all night.
It's gonna be okay.
1045
00:55:32,330 --> 00:55:34,997
- She's not responding.
I feel like something's wrong
too now.
1046
00:55:34,999 --> 00:55:37,099
- What's your name?
- Alfred.
1047
00:55:37,101 --> 00:55:39,168
- Okay, I'm Melanie.
I'd like you to tell me
about your friend, Luke.
1048
00:55:39,170 --> 00:55:42,037
Is this a regular thing he does,
leaving the bar
with a lady friend?
1049
00:55:42,039 --> 00:55:43,439
- He's done it
a few times before.
1050
00:55:43,441 --> 00:55:44,940
- Great.
You're doing a great job.
1051
00:55:44,942 --> 00:55:46,975
Cooperation's really key here.
- Thank you.
1052
00:55:46,977 --> 00:55:49,211
- I'd like you
to go in your purse,
grab your phone, call Luke,
1053
00:55:49,213 --> 00:55:51,647
have him bring Emily back
right now. Can you do that?
1054
00:55:51,649 --> 00:55:54,550
- I can't.
- You can't?
- He's scary. I can't.
1055
00:55:54,552 --> 00:55:55,884
- You don't know me, do you?
- No.
1056
00:55:55,886 --> 00:55:58,020
- Jamie here knows me.
- Hi, Jamie.
1057
00:55:58,022 --> 00:56:00,155
- Jamie tell al what I'm like
when I'm mad.
- Call your boss, Alfred.
1058
00:56:00,157 --> 00:56:02,558
- I think you'd like
to call your boss, okay?
1059
00:56:02,560 --> 00:56:05,961
Because you can cooperate,
or I can have the atf here
first thing in the morning
1060
00:56:05,963 --> 00:56:07,563
investigating you serving
all these minors.
1061
00:56:07,565 --> 00:56:09,365
- We don't serve minors here.
- Oh, is that right?
1062
00:56:09,367 --> 00:56:11,800
- No.
- Looks like a Katy Perry
meet-and-greet to me.
1063
00:56:11,802 --> 00:56:13,702
They will shut
this fucking place down
1064
00:56:13,704 --> 00:56:15,070
while they investigate
the charge.
1065
00:56:15,072 --> 00:56:17,239
You think Luke
is gonna like that?
1066
00:56:17,241 --> 00:56:19,475
- What are you, a cop?
- You wanna fucking find out,
motherfucker?
1067
00:56:19,477 --> 00:56:21,143
- No.
- I didn't think so.
1068
00:56:21,145 --> 00:56:23,412
Okay, get on that fucking phone.
- Fuck you.
1069
00:56:26,216 --> 00:56:29,017
- Okay, I'll be back.
Are we 100% sure
this is trouble?
1070
00:56:29,019 --> 00:56:30,819
I mean,
they were flirting all night.
1071
00:56:30,821 --> 00:56:32,588
- I am telling you,
i know Emily.
1072
00:56:32,590 --> 00:56:34,890
- Wait! I think I can track
her iPhone!
1073
00:56:34,892 --> 00:56:37,192
I've been setting instagram up
for her earlier.
1074
00:56:37,194 --> 00:56:39,194
Let me check. Give me a second.
- Oh, my god.
1075
00:56:39,196 --> 00:56:41,230
Are you telling me you can track
somebody else's phone?
1076
00:56:41,232 --> 00:56:44,266
- Yes, I can pretty much do
anything on one of these.
- Oh, yes!
1077
00:56:44,268 --> 00:56:46,402
- Well?
- Nope, no answer.
- Well, where does he live?
1078
00:56:46,404 --> 00:56:49,071
- I can't tell you.
- Where the fuck does he live?!
- I can't say!!!
1079
00:56:49,073 --> 00:56:51,340
- Forget about it. I have
a read on where they are.
1080
00:56:51,342 --> 00:56:53,509
They're on flanders Avenue
heading south.
1081
00:56:53,511 --> 00:56:56,044
- Okay, ladies,
this is really happening.
We're moving out. Let's go.
1082
00:56:56,046 --> 00:56:59,047
- Let's go, let's go!
- But wait!
Our cars are at the restaurant.
1083
00:56:59,049 --> 00:57:02,351
- Um... I can drive you guys.
1084
00:57:02,353 --> 00:57:06,688
I've had nothing but five
coconut waters tonight, so...
1085
00:57:06,690 --> 00:57:09,124
I'm Barry, by the way.
- I'm Jamie.
1086
00:57:09,126 --> 00:57:12,227
- Yeah, I don't think
we really got to introduce
ourselves officially, so hello.
1087
00:57:12,229 --> 00:57:14,062
- Let's go! Let's move!
1088
00:57:16,933 --> 00:57:19,802
- Okay, I got a read.
Now she is off of flanders,
1089
00:57:19,804 --> 00:57:23,038
and she is on to cabot,
heading west on cabot.
1090
00:57:23,040 --> 00:57:25,374
- Should we call tom?
- No, no, no, do not call tom.
1091
00:57:25,376 --> 00:57:27,976
We don't know
what we're dealing with yet.
1092
00:57:27,978 --> 00:57:31,613
- Oh, guys, you don't know her.
She would not just fucking
run off with some strange guy.
1093
00:57:31,615 --> 00:57:34,416
- Kate, I hate to say it,
but they seemed
pretty into each other.
1094
00:57:34,418 --> 00:57:36,285
- I got her.
She just went left on pacific.
1095
00:57:36,287 --> 00:57:38,921
It looks like they're heading
to the Marina district.
1096
00:57:38,923 --> 00:57:41,790
- Okey-dokey.
- Oh, I'm trying her again.
1097
00:57:41,792 --> 00:57:43,292
Come on.
1098
00:57:43,294 --> 00:57:46,728
Pick up, pick up, pick up.
1099
00:57:46,730 --> 00:57:49,264
- Leave me the fuck alone
already!
1100
00:57:49,266 --> 00:57:51,467
- What?
- That was not her.
1101
00:57:51,469 --> 00:57:53,902
- Fuck, was that her?
- No, no, no. Try her again.
1102
00:57:53,904 --> 00:57:56,004
- The signal stopped
at the Marina.
1103
00:57:56,906 --> 00:57:59,408
- Okay, we're tracking her,
we're closing in,
1104
00:57:59,410 --> 00:58:02,277
and we're gonna get out
of whatever situation she's in.
1105
00:58:02,279 --> 00:58:05,447
Are you cool? Are you cool?
You're cool, right? You're cool?
1106
00:58:05,449 --> 00:58:07,349
Barry, you need
to move this motherfucker!
1107
00:58:07,351 --> 00:58:10,118
I've been in golf carts
faster than this! Let's go!
1108
00:58:10,120 --> 00:58:12,688
- I'm sorry,
my foot is cramping up!
I haven't had a banana today.
1109
00:58:12,690 --> 00:58:16,658
- A white Van. Everybody knows
the only people that drive
white vans are serial killers.
1110
00:58:16,660 --> 00:58:19,528
- One second, one second,
just got to adjust here.
I'm sorry.
1111
00:58:19,530 --> 00:58:21,363
- Wait, no,
this is not the time.
1112
00:58:21,365 --> 00:58:23,499
- No, I can just--
- oh, oh, my god!
1113
00:58:23,501 --> 00:58:25,334
Barry, just park
the fucking car, man!
1114
00:58:25,336 --> 00:58:27,769
- I know, I know.
It's disrespectful
to other drivers--
1115
00:58:27,771 --> 00:58:30,105
- nobody's here!
Emily?!
1116
00:58:30,107 --> 00:58:31,974
Emily?!
1117
00:58:31,976 --> 00:58:33,542
Oh, shit.
1118
00:58:33,544 --> 00:58:35,344
- Emily!
1119
00:58:35,346 --> 00:58:37,346
- Emily?
- Oh, my god.
1120
00:58:37,348 --> 00:58:38,981
- Emily?
1121
00:58:41,985 --> 00:58:43,785
- Jesus h. Christ.
1122
00:58:43,787 --> 00:58:46,855
Is that fucker
taking her out in the water?
1123
00:58:46,857 --> 00:58:49,992
No, I really don't like this.
- Oh, no, no.
1124
00:58:49,994 --> 00:58:54,196
- It's zero dark 30.
Zero dark fucking 30.
1125
00:58:54,198 --> 00:58:56,431
Mission is a go.
1126
00:59:15,052 --> 00:59:16,852
Holy shit.
1127
00:59:24,728 --> 00:59:26,428
- That woman is certifiable.
1128
00:59:26,430 --> 00:59:29,097
- I got you, motherfucker!
1129
00:59:29,099 --> 00:59:30,832
- No.
1130
00:59:30,834 --> 00:59:33,035
She's incredible.
1131
00:59:33,037 --> 00:59:35,237
She's got our six.
1132
00:59:35,239 --> 00:59:37,472
She's saving my friend.
1133
00:59:40,043 --> 00:59:41,476
Wait.
1134
00:59:43,246 --> 00:59:45,180
My friend.
1135
00:59:54,091 --> 00:59:56,091
- Unbelievable! Here!
1136
00:59:56,093 --> 00:59:59,962
- Oh!
- Grab on! You can do it!
1137
01:00:01,432 --> 01:00:03,131
Come on, I got you!
1138
01:00:03,133 --> 01:00:06,268
I got you, come on.
Come on, come on.
1139
01:00:09,439 --> 01:00:11,206
- Holy shit.
1140
01:00:11,208 --> 01:00:13,041
It's fucking freezing.
1141
01:00:13,043 --> 01:00:16,078
- You are one gutsy bitch.
- Oh, no.
1142
01:00:16,080 --> 01:00:18,780
- I wish you'd consider
co-chairing the spring auction
with me.
1143
01:00:18,782 --> 01:00:21,783
- Well, can we do this later?
We need to find Emily.
- Okay.
1144
01:00:21,785 --> 01:00:24,786
- Oh! Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
- Huh?
1145
01:00:24,788 --> 01:00:28,156
- Looks like I might've
targeted the wrong vessel.
1146
01:00:28,158 --> 01:00:30,559
- You think?
1147
01:00:32,296 --> 01:00:35,364
- Let's get out of here.
Come on. Shit.
1148
01:00:46,676 --> 01:00:49,311
- God, it feels so good...
1149
01:00:49,313 --> 01:00:53,048
Just to be the old me
for a few hours.
1150
01:00:54,917 --> 01:00:56,918
You know, not, like...
1151
01:00:56,920 --> 01:00:59,087
Mommy or...
1152
01:00:59,089 --> 01:01:00,689
Anything.
1153
01:01:00,691 --> 01:01:03,325
Just... Emily.
1154
01:01:03,327 --> 01:01:04,760
- Hmm.
1155
01:01:05,695 --> 01:01:07,963
I'm a huge fan...
1156
01:01:07,965 --> 01:01:09,698
Of just Emily.
1157
01:01:09,700 --> 01:01:12,000
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
1158
01:01:22,512 --> 01:01:25,213
- Oh, I... I can't. I'm sorry.
1159
01:01:27,517 --> 01:01:29,518
It was so fun at the bar,
1160
01:01:29,520 --> 01:01:32,721
and... and it has been
a really long time
1161
01:01:32,723 --> 01:01:35,223
since anyone
has kissed me like that,
1162
01:01:35,225 --> 01:01:38,527
but my... I mean...
I'm married, I am married,
1163
01:01:38,529 --> 01:01:42,364
I am super married and... ew.
1164
01:01:42,366 --> 01:01:45,133
I'm sorry. Oh, god.
1165
01:01:45,135 --> 01:01:46,735
Where am I?
- Hey. Hey, hey.
1166
01:01:46,737 --> 01:01:48,970
- What?
- You didn't do anything wrong.
1167
01:01:48,972 --> 01:01:51,039
- What? I kissed you.
1168
01:01:51,041 --> 01:01:53,241
- I kissed you.
- I kissed you back.
1169
01:01:54,510 --> 01:01:56,311
I'm so sorry.
1170
01:01:56,313 --> 01:01:59,981
- For what, stopping?
It was going very well.
1171
01:01:59,983 --> 01:02:01,883
- That's funny.
- Look.
1172
01:02:01,885 --> 01:02:05,253
I've been a wake-up call
for a few married women
in my life.
1173
01:02:05,255 --> 01:02:07,556
It's not... it's not the end
of the world.
1174
01:02:07,558 --> 01:02:10,225
- I got to go, I got to go.
My friends and...
1175
01:02:10,227 --> 01:02:12,160
I have to wake up
in the morning,
1176
01:02:12,162 --> 01:02:14,863
because it's a school morning,
so I got to go.
- Hey.
1177
01:02:14,865 --> 01:02:16,765
- What?
- Okay.
1178
01:02:16,767 --> 01:02:19,801
But you should kiss
your husband like that,
by the way.
1179
01:02:22,505 --> 01:02:25,040
- So you see anything out there?
- Sort of,
1180
01:02:25,042 --> 01:02:28,276
but it's so dark now that I feel
like I've lost sight of them.
1181
01:02:28,278 --> 01:02:29,778
- Yeah.
1182
01:02:32,215 --> 01:02:35,884
I'm not worried,
i think you're friend
probably has Luke, like,
1183
01:02:35,886 --> 01:02:38,587
hog-tied and begging
for mercy by now.
1184
01:02:38,589 --> 01:02:40,789
- Oh, yeah? Well, let's hope so.
1185
01:02:40,791 --> 01:02:44,426
- I got to say, uh,
you ladies are something else,
1186
01:02:44,428 --> 01:02:47,729
I love it. It's very cool.
- Thanks.
1187
01:02:47,731 --> 01:02:50,365
- So you're all... married,
then?
1188
01:02:50,367 --> 01:02:53,368
- Oh, well, they are.
I'm not. I'm divorced.
1189
01:02:53,370 --> 01:02:55,036
- Oh, really?
- Mm-hmm.
1190
01:02:55,038 --> 01:02:57,739
- I mean... I'm sorry.
1191
01:02:57,741 --> 01:03:00,041
That's too bad. Or... is it?
1192
01:03:00,043 --> 01:03:02,377
I mean, is it too bad?
1193
01:03:02,379 --> 01:03:05,480
- No, it's certainly better
than being married to my ex,
that's for sure.
1194
01:03:05,482 --> 01:03:07,382
- Right, yeah, good.
Well, that's good.
1195
01:03:07,384 --> 01:03:09,618
- Not bad.
- I mean, that you're happier.
1196
01:03:09,620 --> 01:03:11,720
- Right.
- That's good. Yes, yes, yes.
1197
01:03:11,722 --> 01:03:13,822
- I would say
I'm definitely happier.
1198
01:03:13,824 --> 01:03:15,657
Yeah.
- Yeah.
1199
01:03:18,594 --> 01:03:21,763
- So what about you?
Are you in a relationship or...?
1200
01:03:21,765 --> 01:03:25,100
- No, not right now.
- Mm-hmm.
- No.
1201
01:03:25,102 --> 01:03:28,069
- So how did you get stuck being
the designated driver tonight?
1202
01:03:28,071 --> 01:03:30,138
- Oh, I volunteered.
- You did?
1203
01:03:30,140 --> 01:03:33,475
- Yeah, yeah.
I don't like drinking too much.
1204
01:03:33,477 --> 01:03:36,178
It makes me feel all weird
in my head, you know.
1205
01:03:36,180 --> 01:03:37,913
Are you cold?
- Oh.
1206
01:03:38,781 --> 01:03:41,416
- A little chilly there.
- Oh, thank you.
1207
01:03:41,418 --> 01:03:43,718
- Here.
- - It's cold. Thank you.
1208
01:03:53,863 --> 01:03:55,864
- Well, Melanie?
- What?
1209
01:03:55,866 --> 01:03:58,667
- I'm waiting.
- Waiting for what?
1210
01:03:58,669 --> 01:04:04,105
- Jaws jokes. On land tonight,
out here, you got nothing.
1211
01:04:04,107 --> 01:04:05,807
- Oh, you're right.
1212
01:04:05,809 --> 01:04:08,310
Shit. Oh, shit.
1213
01:04:08,312 --> 01:04:10,111
Come on. Come on.
1214
01:04:10,113 --> 01:04:12,113
- Oh...
1215
01:04:15,318 --> 01:04:18,520
I have never felt so sober
in my entire life.
1216
01:04:18,522 --> 01:04:22,123
- Correct. Let's go look and see
if we can find Jamie and Barry,
1217
01:04:22,125 --> 01:04:24,860
and more luck than we did.
Come on.
1218
01:04:24,862 --> 01:04:27,529
Come on. Come on.
1219
01:04:27,531 --> 01:04:29,331
- Whenever.
- Okay.
1220
01:04:29,333 --> 01:04:31,499
Come on, come on.
1221
01:04:31,501 --> 01:04:36,705
- I love peanuts so, like,
a peanut beer, is that a thing?
1222
01:04:36,707 --> 01:04:39,708
- Fuck, yes.
- Yeah? It's a peanut.
- Great idea.
1223
01:04:39,710 --> 01:04:41,543
Take that one step further.
1224
01:04:41,545 --> 01:04:46,147
What if it's like a whole line
of, like, stadium flavours?
1225
01:04:46,149 --> 01:04:48,149
- Right.
- I.E.: Peanuts,
1226
01:04:48,151 --> 01:04:50,552
hotdogs, pretzels.
1227
01:04:50,554 --> 01:04:52,554
- Mustard beer.
1228
01:04:52,556 --> 01:04:54,489
- Why aren't we writing this
down?
1229
01:04:54,491 --> 01:04:56,791
- I don't know. 'Cause...
You know what?
1230
01:04:58,928 --> 01:05:00,996
- All right, someone tooted.
1231
01:05:02,665 --> 01:05:05,333
- Yeah, it was probably
all of them.
1232
01:05:05,335 --> 01:05:07,569
- How dare you fart on me?
1233
01:05:07,571 --> 01:05:09,437
- When my kids fart...
1234
01:05:10,406 --> 01:05:13,375
- Don't even finish
the sentence.
1235
01:05:13,377 --> 01:05:17,579
- Dude, dude, dude, dude,
i... love... it.
1236
01:05:20,083 --> 01:05:22,017
- What do you binge on?
- Oh, I don't know.
1237
01:05:22,019 --> 01:05:24,419
I try to watch what I eat,
watch my weight so...
1238
01:05:24,421 --> 01:05:27,789
- Oh, no, I mean, like,
like, binge watch.
1239
01:05:27,791 --> 01:05:29,758
Like netflix? Amazon?
1240
01:05:29,760 --> 01:05:31,960
- Oh, yeah. Uh, duh.
1241
01:05:31,962 --> 01:05:36,431
No, I, um, I don't really do
any of that stuff.
1242
01:05:36,433 --> 01:05:39,734
I'm more of a regular
cable-TV guy.
1243
01:05:39,736 --> 01:05:41,937
- Oh, I love regular cable TV.
- Yeah?
1244
01:05:41,939 --> 01:05:44,773
- As a matter of fact,
this is so embarrassing,
1245
01:05:44,775 --> 01:05:46,975
but I actually fall asleep
watching hgtv.
1246
01:05:46,977 --> 01:05:49,077
- Oh, my god, me too.
1247
01:05:49,079 --> 01:05:50,779
Almost, like, every night,
1248
01:05:50,781 --> 01:05:53,281
I fall asleep watching
love it or list it.
1249
01:05:53,283 --> 01:05:54,983
- I love that show!
- Yeah?
1250
01:05:54,985 --> 01:05:57,419
- Ever noticed how
they always choose to love it?
1251
01:05:57,421 --> 01:05:59,154
- Yes!
- Always.
1252
01:05:59,156 --> 01:06:00,922
- Every time.
- They always choose to love it.
- I know.
1253
01:06:00,924 --> 01:06:03,158
I think they're gonna list it,
and then they love it,
1254
01:06:03,160 --> 01:06:05,460
then sometimes I'm, like:
"They're making us think
they love it,
1255
01:06:05,462 --> 01:06:07,996
so they actually list it,
but then they just love it."
1256
01:06:10,800 --> 01:06:12,834
- I think you're an old soul,
Barry.
1257
01:06:12,836 --> 01:06:15,437
- Old soul? Aw.
1258
01:06:15,439 --> 01:06:17,973
I like that. That's nice.
1259
01:06:17,975 --> 01:06:21,142
The last girl I dated told me
1260
01:06:21,144 --> 01:06:24,346
I reminded her
of a bashful predator.
1261
01:06:30,787 --> 01:06:34,089
- Where are all of my friends?
- They are looking for you.
1262
01:06:34,091 --> 01:06:38,026
They actually went bonkers.
Uh, they thought Luke
had abducted you or something.
1263
01:06:38,028 --> 01:06:40,095
- What?
- Yeah.
1264
01:06:40,097 --> 01:06:42,664
- Don't worry about it.
1265
01:06:42,666 --> 01:06:45,166
I'm... listen, I'm sure
they'll be back soon.
1266
01:06:45,168 --> 01:06:47,002
Just hang out here
for a little bit.
1267
01:06:47,004 --> 01:06:50,338
- No, I got to...
I got to call Kate.
1268
01:06:50,340 --> 01:06:51,906
Just... okay.
Except for...
1269
01:06:53,843 --> 01:06:56,711
I don't have my phone.
It's gone.
1270
01:06:56,713 --> 01:06:59,214
- Use my phone. Use my phone.
1271
01:06:59,216 --> 01:07:01,316
I don't want any trouble.
Just take the phone.
1272
01:07:01,318 --> 01:07:03,852
- Um... I don't know
her phone number.
It's in my phone.
1273
01:07:03,854 --> 01:07:05,720
- You don't know
your friend's number?
1274
01:07:05,722 --> 01:07:08,690
- No, I don't know
my friend's number!
It's in my phone!
1275
01:07:08,692 --> 01:07:10,658
- Truly,
just trying to be helpful.
1276
01:07:10,660 --> 01:07:12,827
- Who knows anybody's
phone number anymore?
Fuck technology.
1277
01:07:12,829 --> 01:07:15,230
- Oh, my god.
Guys, I can just call Barry.
1278
01:07:15,232 --> 01:07:17,632
- Who's Barry?
- Who are you?
1279
01:07:17,634 --> 01:07:19,067
- Barry is my buddy,
1280
01:07:19,069 --> 01:07:21,870
and he took all your friends
looking for you.
1281
01:07:21,872 --> 01:07:25,774
- Looking for me where?
- You know what?
They were tracking your phone.
1282
01:07:27,009 --> 01:07:29,377
- I don't have my phone.
1283
01:07:29,379 --> 01:07:30,879
Fuck.
1284
01:07:33,883 --> 01:07:36,317
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
1285
01:07:36,319 --> 01:07:38,887
Are you kidding me
with that phone?
1286
01:07:38,889 --> 01:07:41,389
- What?
Hello, it's Barry.
1287
01:07:42,725 --> 01:07:45,093
Really? Emily's at the bar.
- What?
1288
01:07:45,095 --> 01:07:46,528
- Yeah.
- Can I talk...?
1289
01:07:46,530 --> 01:07:47,996
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Hello?
1290
01:07:53,569 --> 01:07:55,003
- It's go time.
1291
01:07:55,005 --> 01:07:56,971
- I'm right behind you.
1292
01:07:57,940 --> 01:08:00,542
- Nice aft.
- Oh, god.
1293
01:08:00,544 --> 01:08:03,611
If she came here willingly,
I'll fucking kill her.
1294
01:08:09,118 --> 01:08:10,919
- Emily!
- Jamie!
1295
01:08:10,921 --> 01:08:13,288
- Ah... oh, my god,
we were so worried.
1296
01:08:13,290 --> 01:08:15,690
They still haven't come back.
- What the fuck?
1297
01:08:15,692 --> 01:08:18,359
Oh, you guys better get help.
This is bad.
1298
01:08:18,361 --> 01:08:21,296
- Well, there's got to be
Marina security.
They'll call in whoever to help.
1299
01:08:21,298 --> 01:08:23,865
- That's a good idea.
Okay, you go do that.
- All right.
1300
01:08:23,867 --> 01:08:25,567
- Jamie.
- What?
- Look at me.
1301
01:08:25,569 --> 01:08:27,936
Where was the last place
that you saw them?
1302
01:08:27,938 --> 01:08:31,072
- Down there.
- Take me.
- Okay, come on, let's go.
1303
01:08:35,411 --> 01:08:37,445
- Okay,
where the fuck is Emily?!
1304
01:08:39,815 --> 01:08:42,450
- Hey, get off my boat.
- Your boat? Excuse me, Matey,
1305
01:08:42,452 --> 01:08:45,120
but I'm gonna have to see
your license and registration.
1306
01:08:45,122 --> 01:08:47,755
- Uh, Mel, let's just go.
Emily's not here.
1307
01:08:47,757 --> 01:08:51,392
- It's my dad's boat,
but I'm gonna need you
to leave.
1308
01:08:51,394 --> 01:08:53,595
- Bae, be nice.
1309
01:08:53,597 --> 01:08:55,730
They're homeless.
1310
01:08:55,732 --> 01:08:57,599
- We are not homeless.
1311
01:08:57,601 --> 01:09:00,068
- You must be hungry.
- I'm actually pretty hungry.
1312
01:09:00,070 --> 01:09:02,237
- Okay, now's not the time.
All right.
1313
01:09:02,239 --> 01:09:04,405
Somebody tell me
what's going on here.
1314
01:09:04,407 --> 01:09:07,175
- It's senior skip tomorrow,
so we're having a party.
1315
01:09:07,177 --> 01:09:09,577
- This is a party?
Don't bullshit me.
1316
01:09:09,579 --> 01:09:11,746
- Oh, my god!
- There you are!
1317
01:09:11,748 --> 01:09:13,248
- Emily!!!
1318
01:09:13,250 --> 01:09:15,583
- We saw your unicorn
hanging over the side!
1319
01:09:15,585 --> 01:09:17,652
- Where the fuck have you been?!
1320
01:09:17,654 --> 01:09:21,756
- Uh, James,
what are all these old-ass milfs
doing on the boat? Ah!
1321
01:09:23,159 --> 01:09:25,527
What the fuck?
1322
01:09:25,529 --> 01:09:29,130
- Oh! Wait a minute.
It's here. Your phone is here.
1323
01:09:29,132 --> 01:09:31,966
Did you hear that, that ping?
Here, look.
1324
01:09:31,968 --> 01:09:33,801
- Were these kids at Luke's?
1325
01:09:33,803 --> 01:09:35,436
- Give me that bag.
1326
01:09:35,438 --> 01:09:37,138
- That's... a coincidence.
1327
01:09:37,140 --> 01:09:39,040
- Gimme that bag.
- No--
- gimme that bag.
1328
01:09:39,042 --> 01:09:41,309
Gimme your bag.
Give Melanie your bag!
1329
01:09:41,311 --> 01:09:43,278
- Stop, stop!
1330
01:09:44,446 --> 01:09:46,714
- What is this?
1331
01:09:46,716 --> 01:09:49,350
All right, was is this,
some kind of bling-ring shit?
1332
01:09:49,352 --> 01:09:51,553
It's that what you guys
are doing here, huh?
1333
01:09:51,555 --> 01:09:53,521
Taking phones and sell them
on the black market?
1334
01:09:53,523 --> 01:09:55,123
Is that what you're doing?
- Oh, yeah.
1335
01:09:55,125 --> 01:09:57,325
Yep, I've seen this on dateline.
1336
01:09:57,327 --> 01:10:01,563
- So what? Zoe lifts shit.
That's her thing.
Everybody has a thing.
1337
01:10:01,565 --> 01:10:04,299
- I catfish rich dudes.
- I pull fire alarms.
1338
01:10:04,301 --> 01:10:07,135
- I'm a YouTube unboxer.
- What the fuck is that?
1339
01:10:07,137 --> 01:10:09,337
- Okay, all right,
i steal things.
1340
01:10:09,339 --> 01:10:11,206
Sorry, I can't help myself.
1341
01:10:11,208 --> 01:10:13,007
Please don't turn me in.
1342
01:10:15,011 --> 01:10:18,213
- So we're not gonna
call the cops,
'cause we're cool as shit,
1343
01:10:18,215 --> 01:10:21,482
but you're all gonna
pay the price
for Zoe's shenanigans tonight.
1344
01:10:21,484 --> 01:10:23,518
You'll survive, Jamie.
1345
01:10:23,520 --> 01:10:27,488
Now... you're all gonna be
technology-free
for the next hour.
1346
01:10:27,490 --> 01:10:29,057
Let's cut
this electronica bullshit
1347
01:10:29,059 --> 01:10:31,659
and get some peabo Bryson
up in here.
1348
01:10:35,698 --> 01:10:37,899
- Five minutes.
1349
01:10:37,901 --> 01:10:39,634
Yeah, right.
1350
01:10:42,504 --> 01:10:45,506
- Okay. Now,
you're all gonna deal with
the extreme social awkwardness
1351
01:10:45,508 --> 01:10:48,509
that we had to deal at parties
back in the day.
1352
01:10:48,511 --> 01:10:50,912
You ready for that?
Here I come.
1353
01:10:50,914 --> 01:10:53,448
All right,
you're gonna face each other,
1354
01:10:53,450 --> 01:10:55,717
in the flesh, without a phone,
1355
01:10:55,719 --> 01:11:00,355
to filter out any of those oily
little teenage pores you got.
1356
01:11:00,357 --> 01:11:01,923
- Whoo!
1357
01:11:03,927 --> 01:11:05,560
You're welcome.
1358
01:11:29,119 --> 01:11:30,785
- I've got one.
1359
01:11:30,787 --> 01:11:34,889
Never have I ever walked in
on my parents doing it.
1360
01:11:34,891 --> 01:11:36,958
- Dude.
- Oh.
- Nasty.
1361
01:11:38,595 --> 01:11:40,328
- Okay, ready?
1362
01:11:40,330 --> 01:11:42,764
Never have I ever had lice.
1363
01:11:42,766 --> 01:11:44,599
- What?
- Ew.
1364
01:11:44,601 --> 01:11:46,134
- Ew!
- Emily, I promise you,
1365
01:11:46,136 --> 01:11:48,770
just give it a few more weeks
at happy days,
1366
01:11:48,772 --> 01:11:50,838
and you won't be borrowing
my special comb.
1367
01:11:50,840 --> 01:11:54,242
- No!
- I can't believe
you've never had lice.
1368
01:11:54,244 --> 01:11:57,145
- I'm so never having kids.
- Good luck.
1369
01:11:57,147 --> 01:11:59,147
- This is fun.
1370
01:11:59,149 --> 01:12:01,783
- I think we freaked them out.
1371
01:12:01,785 --> 01:12:03,751
- Good. Little fuckers.
1372
01:12:05,587 --> 01:12:08,856
- Never have I ever cheated
on my husband
1373
01:12:08,858 --> 01:12:11,859
with an old boyfriend
from high school.
1374
01:12:14,129 --> 01:12:18,032
- How did I not know?
I thought it was Theo.
1375
01:12:18,034 --> 01:12:20,802
- Yeah. I know.
That's what everybody thought.
1376
01:12:20,804 --> 01:12:23,237
It's because I only post
the pretty stuff.
1377
01:12:24,440 --> 01:12:26,240
- You're the pretty stuff.
1378
01:12:29,611 --> 01:12:33,815
- Never have I ever...
Kissed another guy...
1379
01:12:33,817 --> 01:12:36,384
While I was married.
1380
01:12:36,386 --> 01:12:38,119
- Emily.
- Whoa.
1381
01:12:38,121 --> 01:12:39,821
- I stopped it immediately.
I did.
1382
01:12:39,823 --> 01:12:42,990
It was a mista...
It was such a mistake.
1383
01:12:42,992 --> 01:12:46,194
I am... I'm telling tom...
When I get home.
1384
01:12:46,196 --> 01:12:48,029
- Are you sure?
1385
01:12:48,031 --> 01:12:49,564
I'm terrified,
1386
01:12:49,566 --> 01:12:51,999
but I think...
1387
01:12:52,001 --> 01:12:54,969
I realized tonight
that I want my marriage to work.
1388
01:12:54,971 --> 01:12:57,071
I want it to work with tom.
1389
01:12:59,174 --> 01:13:02,377
- You just have to fight for it,
sweetie pie. You know?
1390
01:13:03,912 --> 01:13:05,713
- All right.
1391
01:13:05,715 --> 01:13:10,518
Never have I ever dressed up
my husband's dick as Napoleon.
1392
01:13:10,520 --> 01:13:12,920
- Whoa, wait a minute. What?!
1393
01:13:12,922 --> 01:13:16,657
- Okay, you guys, remember,
like, when we went on
that Alaskan cruise last year?
1394
01:13:16,659 --> 01:13:18,192
- Yeah.
- Yeah, we didn't.
1395
01:13:18,194 --> 01:13:20,695
We went to this sex retreat,
to reconnect.
1396
01:13:20,697 --> 01:13:22,363
- Really?
- Wow. Did it work?
1397
01:13:22,365 --> 01:13:25,066
- Yes, it worked.
- - Yeah, obviously.
1398
01:13:25,068 --> 01:13:27,835
- Yeah. We dressed up his dick
as Napoleon,
1399
01:13:27,837 --> 01:13:30,238
and he did a little one-act.
1400
01:13:30,240 --> 01:13:33,441
It was really very good,
critically acclaimed.
1401
01:13:33,443 --> 01:13:35,243
- Whoa.
1402
01:13:35,245 --> 01:13:37,111
- Anyway, yeah.
1403
01:13:37,113 --> 01:13:39,347
And we still do it,
and I love it.
1404
01:13:39,349 --> 01:13:41,349
- That's a really good one.
- It sure is.
1405
01:13:41,351 --> 01:13:43,951
- All right,
never have I ever...
1406
01:13:48,458 --> 01:13:50,525
...had real mom friends.
1407
01:13:52,628 --> 01:13:54,896
- Come here, give me a hug.
1408
01:13:54,898 --> 01:13:57,098
Come on, give me a hug.
Come here.
1409
01:13:57,100 --> 01:13:59,467
- I want in. Come here.
- Me too!
1410
01:14:04,106 --> 01:14:06,274
You guys are still wet.
1411
01:14:06,276 --> 01:14:08,109
Aren't you freezing?
- Yeah.
1412
01:14:08,111 --> 01:14:09,977
- A little bit.
1413
01:14:09,979 --> 01:14:13,314
- Oh, I'm so glad Emily and i
didn't have to go in the water.
1414
01:14:15,285 --> 01:14:17,351
- Hmm.
1415
01:15:44,806 --> 01:15:47,508
- Ow! Ow.
- God, if I ever do this again,
1416
01:15:47,510 --> 01:15:49,343
I'm getting
a goddamn epidural first.
1417
01:15:49,345 --> 01:15:51,812
- The CIA should use this shit
on terrorists.
1418
01:15:51,814 --> 01:15:55,049
- Oh, god, you guys
are all a bunch of wimps.
1419
01:15:55,051 --> 01:15:57,318
- It's very delicate tissue
down there, Jamie.
1420
01:15:57,320 --> 01:15:59,587
You know, I'm already
regretting my choice.
1421
01:15:59,589 --> 01:16:01,422
Should I have gone
with the mt. Rushmore?
1422
01:16:01,424 --> 01:16:03,057
Peter loves history.
- Are you kidding me?
1423
01:16:03,059 --> 01:16:05,159
He's gonna love that.
It was the best one.
1424
01:16:05,161 --> 01:16:07,161
- Hey, em.
1425
01:16:07,163 --> 01:16:09,363
Turn around.
1426
01:16:09,365 --> 01:16:10,898
- What?
- Just...
1427
01:16:10,900 --> 01:16:12,500
Turn around.
1428
01:16:24,613 --> 01:16:26,180
- Me?
1429
01:16:26,182 --> 01:16:28,349
- Yeah, you.
1430
01:16:30,185 --> 01:16:32,186
- You did this. It's you.
- No! I swear.
1431
01:16:32,188 --> 01:16:34,422
It's all tom.
- Come on, get over there, go!
1432
01:16:34,424 --> 01:16:36,424
- Go get your Jake Ryan.
1433
01:16:36,426 --> 01:16:39,260
Go! Go get your Jake Ryan!
1434
01:16:39,262 --> 01:16:41,629
- Whoo!
1435
01:16:41,631 --> 01:16:44,098
- Tom looks kind of hot.
1436
01:16:55,445 --> 01:16:57,278
I guess the talk worked.
1437
01:17:03,418 --> 01:17:05,653
He's even got the sweater,
you guys.
1438
01:17:09,959 --> 01:17:12,293
- Uh-oh.
- She's coming back.
1439
01:17:12,295 --> 01:17:14,161
- But she looks okay.
1440
01:17:14,163 --> 01:17:15,896
What happened?
1441
01:17:15,898 --> 01:17:18,499
- Well, tom said
he didn't want me
to miss our dinner,
1442
01:17:18,501 --> 01:17:20,434
so I'm gonna meet up with him
later.
1443
01:17:20,436 --> 01:17:22,503
- Shit.
1444
01:17:24,907 --> 01:17:27,008
- The Porsche is ours
for the night.
1445
01:17:27,010 --> 01:17:28,843
- Really?
- That is a slick move.
1446
01:17:28,845 --> 01:17:31,078
Nice work, tom!
- Thank you, tom!
- Wow.
1447
01:17:31,080 --> 01:17:33,781
- Are you sure? There'll be
other fun mom dinners.
1448
01:17:33,783 --> 01:17:35,916
- You got that right, bitches.
Come on.
1449
01:17:35,918 --> 01:17:37,585
- Let's go.
- Let's go. We're good.