1
00:01:32,802 --> 00:01:33,852
Excuse me.
2
00:01:34,637 --> 00:01:36,057
Excuse me?
3
00:01:36,222 --> 00:01:37,972
I know you.
4
00:01:38,433 --> 00:01:41,103
- Don't I know you?
- No.
5
00:01:52,447 --> 00:01:54,867
Hey, hey, hold that door!
6
00:02:08,379 --> 00:02:10,009
You cold? You need something
to warm you up?
7
00:02:10,173 --> 00:02:12,513
No. You know what you can do,
you can burn this whole place down...
8
00:02:12,675 --> 00:02:14,295
...so I don't have to do
this fucking nostalgia night.
9
00:02:14,469 --> 00:02:16,679
Prepare yourself,
it's not as big a house as they thought.
10
00:02:16,846 --> 00:02:18,926
- I think the weather kept people home.
- See the marquee?
11
00:02:19,098 --> 00:02:22,768
It's like Night of the Living Dead.
I should fire you for this.
12
00:02:22,936 --> 00:02:25,856
then you'll get a gray hair
in a place you thought...
13
00:02:26,022 --> 00:02:27,982
...God would be nice enough
to just leave alone.
14
00:02:29,442 --> 00:02:31,822
- I'm liking menopause. Makes me surly.
- Ahem.
15
00:02:31,986 --> 00:02:33,946
- Jackie B.
- Hey.
16
00:02:34,113 --> 00:02:37,163
- Jimmie Walker.
- Jackie. Jackie Burke.
17
00:02:37,325 --> 00:02:39,535
Man, thanks for coming.
I really appreciate it.
18
00:02:39,702 --> 00:02:40,872
Thanks for having me.
19
00:02:41,037 --> 00:02:45,377
Hey, look. Small crowd,
but they're very, very lively.
20
00:02:45,542 --> 00:02:47,842
Well, you know,
I can play to one person.
21
00:02:48,002 --> 00:02:49,712
Sometimes I play with myself.
22
00:02:49,879 --> 00:02:53,089
- Heh. Jackie. It's a family audience.
- Good.
23
00:02:53,258 --> 00:02:55,548
--you do one joke
about a gray snatch hair.
24
00:02:55,718 --> 00:02:57,888
So you find the gray hair....
25
00:02:58,054 --> 00:03:00,974
And then he said, "Okay.
You know you have to brush this on."
26
00:03:01,140 --> 00:03:03,810
Which, oh, quelle surprise,
I thought I'd just shake it up...
27
00:03:03,977 --> 00:03:06,557
...pour it down till it quit burning,
have a hot apple pie.
28
00:03:08,523 --> 00:03:10,153
It's like I'm an addled girl.
29
00:03:10,316 --> 00:03:14,396
He goes, "You have to sit there
with your legs apart for a half hour."
30
00:03:14,571 --> 00:03:18,661
"Sweetheart, I'm from Alabama, how
do you think we got the fence painted?"
31
00:03:20,535 --> 00:03:22,905
That's my proudest joke.
32
00:03:24,289 --> 00:03:26,289
You're the best under fire!
33
00:03:26,457 --> 00:03:27,877
We love you, Grace!
34
00:03:28,042 --> 00:03:32,962
Miss Grace Under Fire,
Miss Brett Butler!
35
00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:39,350
- How you doing?
- If I ever do one of these again, shoot me.
36
00:03:39,512 --> 00:03:41,312
Don't worry. I'll do us both with one bullet.
37
00:03:41,472 --> 00:03:45,312
We got a guy coming on now.
A legend, ladies and gentlemen.
38
00:03:45,476 --> 00:03:50,186
Hickory Dickory Dock,
I got to roll back the clock.
39
00:03:50,356 --> 00:03:54,316
That's right. Because we are ready
to bring up a young man that...
40
00:03:54,485 --> 00:03:57,195
...when he was on TV...
41
00:03:57,363 --> 00:04:00,123
...there was no electricity.
42
00:04:00,283 --> 00:04:04,913
When he was on TV, Little House
on the Prairie was just a shack...
43
00:04:05,079 --> 00:04:06,209
...ladies and gentlemen.
44
00:04:06,372 --> 00:04:09,002
- He is devastating....
- What am I getting for this gig?
45
00:04:09,167 --> 00:04:13,667
You get a percentage of the door.
So that's, uh, $11 and a burger.
46
00:04:13,838 --> 00:04:16,878
- Your commission's gonna be a pickle.
- Sure. Like always.
47
00:04:17,050 --> 00:04:23,430
The man that you know
from the hit sitcom Eddie's Home.
48
00:04:23,598 --> 00:04:29,348
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's put our hands together for Eddie.
49
00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:33,610
- Arlene.
- Eddie, look. I carved a pumpkin.
50
00:04:35,777 --> 00:04:37,487
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
51
00:04:37,654 --> 00:04:40,704
- Arlene, when your son decides...
- We love your hair.
52
00:04:40,865 --> 00:04:42,655
...to dress up like a ballerina...
53
00:04:43,326 --> 00:04:45,656
...it's no longer about trick-or-treating.
54
00:04:45,828 --> 00:04:48,708
Eddie, he's only 11 and a half.
55
00:04:48,873 --> 00:04:52,003
Give him a chance to find himself.
He needs to explore.
56
00:04:52,168 --> 00:04:54,838
- Arlene. Arlene.
- Explore.
57
00:04:55,004 --> 00:04:56,424
Arlene!
58
00:04:56,589 --> 00:05:01,509
Mr. Jackie Burke is in the house,
ladies and gentlemen.
59
00:05:01,678 --> 00:05:03,888
- You staying?
- Yeah. I'll drive you home.
60
00:05:04,055 --> 00:05:06,215
Jackie Burke is here.
61
00:05:06,391 --> 00:05:07,641
Holy cow.
62
00:05:08,184 --> 00:05:10,104
Eddie's home!
63
00:05:13,398 --> 00:05:15,068
Give it up.
64
00:05:15,692 --> 00:05:19,492
Give it up
for JJ "Dyno-fucking-mite" Walker.
65
00:05:20,154 --> 00:05:25,584
He's the living proof that black might
not crack, but it definitely decomposes.
66
00:05:26,995 --> 00:05:30,155
Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.
67
00:05:32,458 --> 00:05:35,878
Yeah. I know a lot of you are here
because you love Eddie. Yeah.
68
00:05:36,045 --> 00:05:38,375
Well, I have bad news for you.
69
00:05:38,548 --> 00:05:40,218
- Eddie died.
- Aww.
70
00:05:40,383 --> 00:05:41,933
Yeah.
71
00:05:42,093 --> 00:05:44,513
Yeah. He died a long time ago,
30 years ago...
72
00:05:44,679 --> 00:05:47,309
...along with my career
and Brett Butler's eggs.
73
00:05:47,515 --> 00:05:49,675
- Oh!
- Okay. Enough about me.
74
00:05:49,851 --> 00:05:52,311
Let's talk about
this abortion of a town you live in.
75
00:05:53,021 --> 00:05:57,361
Hicksville! How did they ever come up
with a name like "Hicksville"?
76
00:05:57,525 --> 00:05:59,395
I looked up "Hicksville" on Wikipedia.
77
00:05:59,569 --> 00:06:01,449
It said "inbreeding" and "crystal meth."
78
00:06:02,822 --> 00:06:06,662
So why don't you change your name to
something more pleasant like Somalia?
79
00:06:07,326 --> 00:06:08,746
But don't worry, Hicksville.
80
00:06:08,911 --> 00:06:11,411
When you grow up,
you, also, can change your name.
81
00:06:11,581 --> 00:06:14,211
I changed my name.
I wasn't always Jackie.
82
00:06:14,375 --> 00:06:17,165
When I was born, my parents named me,
you know what? Jakov.
83
00:06:17,336 --> 00:06:18,496
No!
84
00:06:18,671 --> 00:06:23,551
Jakov Berkowitz.
Yeah. That's right. It's that big, girls.
85
00:06:24,719 --> 00:06:28,259
I mean, even the Jewish kids
beat me up with a name like that.
86
00:06:30,224 --> 00:06:33,274
Can I help you all with something, huh?
Huh?
87
00:06:33,436 --> 00:06:36,056
- What's going on here?
- Bachelorette party!
88
00:06:37,774 --> 00:06:40,324
Bachelorette party! Oh!
89
00:06:40,485 --> 00:06:42,235
Eight girls sharing one brain.
90
00:06:43,654 --> 00:06:45,704
- Who's the lucky girl?
- I am.
91
00:06:45,865 --> 00:06:47,575
Don't look so happy, sweetheart.
92
00:06:47,742 --> 00:06:50,372
Right now, your fiancé's in a strip club
licking whipped cream...
93
00:06:50,536 --> 00:06:52,206
...out of some girl's asshole.
94
00:06:54,082 --> 00:06:57,342
Hey, come on, don't get sad.
I'm just breaking your balls.
95
00:06:57,502 --> 00:07:00,512
You're getting married to one dick
for the rest of your life.
96
00:07:02,381 --> 00:07:05,051
What could be more exciting than that?
97
00:07:05,510 --> 00:07:07,010
Yay!
98
00:07:07,220 --> 00:07:10,390
Oh, my God, Jackie.
You shouldn't do marriage jokes.
99
00:07:10,556 --> 00:07:12,386
O.J. Simpson was
a better husband than you.
100
00:07:13,101 --> 00:07:17,361
It's not about you, you selfish bastard.
It's about them.
101
00:07:17,522 --> 00:07:19,942
Keep it light and fun and positive.
102
00:07:20,108 --> 00:07:25,488
Marriage will suck every speck
of life out of your soul...
103
00:07:25,655 --> 00:07:30,445
...until there's nothing left
but one big, giant, festering sore.
104
00:07:33,246 --> 00:07:34,826
Good luck.
105
00:07:35,373 --> 00:07:38,383
It's not just me. I don't think
humans were meant to be married.
106
00:07:38,543 --> 00:07:40,503
I mean, you want a relationship?
107
00:07:40,670 --> 00:07:43,380
Get a canary, get a fish.
Get a fucking chicken.
108
00:07:44,757 --> 00:07:46,177
Get a dog.
109
00:07:46,342 --> 00:07:49,222
A dog is always happy to see you.
A dog doesn't judge you.
110
00:07:49,387 --> 00:07:50,807
The dog is just there.
111
00:07:50,972 --> 00:07:54,642
I'm late, my dog's like,
"Hey, Jackie, no big deal."
112
00:07:55,601 --> 00:07:58,311
I forget to feed him,
"It's okay, Jackie. I'm a fat fuck.
113
00:07:58,479 --> 00:08:00,819
I gotta lose some weight. It's all right."
114
00:08:00,982 --> 00:08:02,822
I come home smelling like pussy,
and he doesn't get mad.
115
00:08:02,984 --> 00:08:04,444
He just wags his tail
and licks my fingers.
116
00:08:04,610 --> 00:08:07,780
Enough of this "dog" shit!
Come on, do "Eddie."
117
00:08:07,947 --> 00:08:09,867
Not now, pal, please.
Can you help me out?
118
00:08:10,032 --> 00:08:13,202
Yeah. No. I didn't come here
to hear new shit.
119
00:08:13,369 --> 00:08:16,499
- I came to see Eddie.
- Shut up.
120
00:08:16,664 --> 00:08:19,214
Hey, Hodor, shouldn't you be down
at the playground...
121
00:08:19,375 --> 00:08:22,665
- ..luring kids into a windowless van?
- Hodor!
122
00:08:22,837 --> 00:08:23,917
Ha, ha.
123
00:08:24,088 --> 00:08:25,718
Hey, I'm the audience.
124
00:08:25,882 --> 00:08:28,842
You're here to entertain me.
You work for me.
125
00:08:29,051 --> 00:08:31,681
- Ooh.
- You hear that? I work for him.
126
00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:35,350
All right, boss, how about you give me
an early Christmas bonus...
127
00:08:35,516 --> 00:08:37,636
...and tongue my balls.
128
00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:44,360
Calm down.
You chose this career, you fucking idiot.
129
00:08:44,525 --> 00:08:46,735
You could've been
a doctor or a lawyer...
130
00:08:46,903 --> 00:08:50,663
...but you chose to beg drunken strangers
for love and attention.
131
00:08:50,823 --> 00:08:54,993
Just try to make everyone happy,
so you can go home and jerk off.
132
00:08:55,161 --> 00:08:57,541
Hey, look, man.
I don't wanna fight. Let's be friends.
133
00:08:57,705 --> 00:09:01,075
Can someone do me a favor,
get a drink for this guy...
134
00:09:01,250 --> 00:09:03,750
...and a bag of oats for his wife?
135
00:09:04,212 --> 00:09:07,342
- Bullshit. You getting this, Amy?
- I don't want that shit in our webisode.
136
00:09:07,506 --> 00:09:10,376
Webisode? Your shit? What web--?
What the fuck are you doing?
137
00:09:10,551 --> 00:09:12,471
Welcome to Stand-Up Take Down.
138
00:09:12,637 --> 00:09:15,767
- Webisode 19.
- What you doing? Are you taping me?
139
00:09:15,932 --> 00:09:18,642
This is my show, old man.
I'm here to take you down.
140
00:09:18,809 --> 00:09:20,649
- Give me that.
- No, you give me that mic.
141
00:09:20,811 --> 00:09:23,731
- Take me down? What are you doing?
- Wanna go joke to joke with me, Eddie?
142
00:09:23,898 --> 00:09:26,818
- Take your hands off my mic.
- You wanna dance? Let's go.
143
00:09:26,984 --> 00:09:29,204
- Let go of the mic.
- This is my show, buddy.
144
00:09:29,362 --> 00:09:30,572
You getting this, Amy?
This is my show.
145
00:09:30,738 --> 00:09:33,318
You're the joke, old man.
You're the fucking joke.
146
00:09:33,491 --> 00:09:35,241
- You want the mic? You want it?
- Yeah.
147
00:09:38,204 --> 00:09:41,254
Oh, shit! Baby!
148
00:09:41,916 --> 00:09:44,916
What is wrong with you?
You crazy bastard!
149
00:09:46,462 --> 00:09:48,922
Oh, my God, are you okay?
150
00:09:49,090 --> 00:09:51,050
And I'm here to take you down.
151
00:09:51,217 --> 00:09:54,097
What the fuck are you doing, my friend?
Give me that goddamn....
152
00:09:54,262 --> 00:09:59,102
No, you give me that mic.
153
00:09:59,267 --> 00:10:04,227
Your Honor, as you can clearly see,
Mr. Severin grabbed Mr. Berkowitz first.
154
00:10:04,397 --> 00:10:09,987
Mr. Berkowitz warned Mr. Severin
several times to desist, and he refused.
155
00:10:10,152 --> 00:10:12,612
- Wanna go joke to joke with me?
- Let go of the mic.
156
00:10:12,780 --> 00:10:14,990
- Let go of the mic.
- You're the joke, old man.
157
00:10:15,157 --> 00:10:16,447
Any objection to probation?
158
00:10:17,201 --> 00:10:20,371
With a strong public apology
and substantial community service.
159
00:10:22,832 --> 00:10:26,212
- Jakob Berkowitz, please rise.
- Jakob Berkowitz...
160
00:10:26,377 --> 00:10:29,207
...the court understands
there are mitigating circumstances...
161
00:10:29,380 --> 00:10:31,510
...but nothing excuses your retaliation.
162
00:10:31,674 --> 00:10:36,104
It is in the judgment of this court that you
serve 100 hours of community service.
163
00:10:36,262 --> 00:10:38,222
You will attend
10 anger-management sessions...
164
00:10:38,389 --> 00:10:40,889
...and you will make an allocution
and an apology.
165
00:10:41,058 --> 00:10:42,808
Do you understand, Mr. Berkowitz?
166
00:10:42,977 --> 00:10:44,017
- Yes, Your Honor.
- Good.
167
00:10:44,186 --> 00:10:46,856
And in accordance with this agreement,
are you prepared to change your plea...
168
00:10:47,023 --> 00:10:48,523
...from "not guilty" to "guilty"?
169
00:10:49,567 --> 00:10:50,897
- Yeah.
- Yes, Your Honor.
170
00:10:55,114 --> 00:10:57,534
"I admit to assault and battery
on Mr. Severin."
171
00:10:57,700 --> 00:11:00,040
I recognize that I acted
in a weak and violent manner...
172
00:11:00,202 --> 00:11:03,712
...and I will aggressively take steps
to ensure that it will never happen again.
173
00:11:03,873 --> 00:11:07,083
"I also apologize to the court
and to my fans."
174
00:11:08,502 --> 00:11:10,502
Do you have anything to say
to Mr. Severin?
175
00:11:13,215 --> 00:11:14,675
Yes, Your Honor.
176
00:11:14,842 --> 00:11:16,262
Sorry.
177
00:11:17,887 --> 00:11:21,467
Come on, he can do better than that.
This is insulting. I'm hurt.
178
00:11:22,475 --> 00:11:26,645
Excuse me, Your Honor, but I think
the defendant can do better than that.
179
00:11:26,812 --> 00:11:28,812
Mr. Severin could've suffered
brain damage.
180
00:11:28,981 --> 00:11:31,691
Mr. Berkowitz,
you wanna try that again?
181
00:11:38,199 --> 00:11:40,329
Mr. Berkowitz....
182
00:11:44,914 --> 00:11:46,714
- No.
- No?
183
00:11:46,874 --> 00:11:48,834
- No?
- Mm.
184
00:11:49,043 --> 00:11:50,423
No. Your Honor...
185
00:11:50,586 --> 00:11:52,756
...there's no way Mr. Severin
could've suffered brain damage...
186
00:11:52,922 --> 00:11:55,632
...because according to the law,
the way I understand it...
187
00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:58,930
...it has not been proven in this courtroom
that Mr. Severin, in fact, has a brain.
188
00:11:59,095 --> 00:12:03,635
Mr. Berkowitz,
do not test me today in my court.
189
00:12:03,808 --> 00:12:06,138
Look at him now, Your Honor.
You can tell by his face.
190
00:12:06,310 --> 00:12:08,480
The look like Donald Trump
banged Alfred E. Neuman...
191
00:12:08,646 --> 00:12:10,266
...after a night of snorting thalidomide.
192
00:12:10,439 --> 00:12:12,859
- Can he say that to me?
- Order in the court. Order in the court.
193
00:12:13,025 --> 00:12:15,025
- Mr. Berkowitz, that's enough.
- Jackie, that's enough.
194
00:12:15,194 --> 00:12:16,534
- Let me talk!
- All right.
195
00:12:16,695 --> 00:12:18,235
It isn't about me, Your Honor.
196
00:12:18,406 --> 00:12:20,906
It's about the fate of humanity,
which is in your hands.
197
00:12:21,075 --> 00:12:23,155
Look at him. He's with that woman.
They were together that night.
198
00:12:23,327 --> 00:12:24,827
What if they breed?
199
00:12:24,995 --> 00:12:26,745
Are you serious?
200
00:12:26,914 --> 00:12:29,004
- Objection.
- Get him out of here.
201
00:12:29,166 --> 00:12:31,286
- Mr. Berkowitz, you are in contempt.
- We had a deal.
202
00:12:31,460 --> 00:12:33,590
The people have changed their mind.
No deal.
203
00:12:33,754 --> 00:12:37,384
Take him out of here. Nassau County
Correctional Facility for 30 days.
204
00:12:37,550 --> 00:12:39,390
Order in the court.
205
00:12:46,976 --> 00:12:48,846
Up the stairs.
206
00:12:50,771 --> 00:12:53,441
All right, gentlemen, lock it in!
207
00:12:57,528 --> 00:12:59,658
Stop at the top of the landing.
208
00:13:08,706 --> 00:13:11,076
Walk in four feet and stop.
209
00:13:18,174 --> 00:13:23,054
Okay, gentlemen. Ready? Let's give
a warm welcome to our newest resident.
210
00:13:36,358 --> 00:13:39,988
Suck my dick, asshole!
You gonna be my bitch.
211
00:14:08,265 --> 00:14:10,975
God, it's freezing.
Let me turn on these seat warmers.
212
00:14:11,143 --> 00:14:13,563
Bet you didn't have those in there.
213
00:14:14,522 --> 00:14:16,522
I came up with some good stuff in there.
214
00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:18,730
Smart. Good.
215
00:14:18,901 --> 00:14:21,321
I'd try it out on you,
but you never, you know--
216
00:14:21,487 --> 00:14:24,447
- You have no sense of humor.
- No, I don't.
217
00:14:24,990 --> 00:14:27,160
I've never seen you laugh. Ever.
218
00:14:27,326 --> 00:14:29,196
- No, you haven't.
- Why is that?
219
00:14:29,370 --> 00:14:32,750
Can you imagine if I had to be
an audience for all my comics?
220
00:14:32,915 --> 00:14:34,955
"You laughed at his joke,
you didn't laugh at mine."
221
00:14:35,125 --> 00:14:37,285
"You think he's funny?
He's not even that funny."
222
00:14:37,461 --> 00:14:41,341
Forget it. I just react to no one,
that way everybody feels equal.
223
00:14:41,507 --> 00:14:43,927
So you call that personal management?
224
00:14:44,093 --> 00:14:46,013
Your father, at least,
had affection for his clients.
225
00:14:46,178 --> 00:14:49,008
Well, affection
his clients didn't have for him.
226
00:14:49,181 --> 00:14:50,981
Got you the TV show,
and you fired him.
227
00:14:51,141 --> 00:14:53,521
No, that was a William Morris
package deal. Your father understood.
228
00:14:53,686 --> 00:14:55,476
Great. Just don't talk to me
about affection.
229
00:14:55,646 --> 00:14:58,566
I'm not talking about affection.
I'm talking about getting work.
230
00:14:58,732 --> 00:15:00,992
You gotta stay in New York
to serve out your sentence, right?
231
00:15:01,151 --> 00:15:03,071
There are no money gigs for you here.
232
00:15:03,237 --> 00:15:04,817
You can do club work, $30 a show.
233
00:15:04,989 --> 00:15:07,779
It will take you 7000 shows
just to pay off your attorney.
234
00:15:07,950 --> 00:15:12,000
I will get you Indian Casino,
Princess Cruise...
235
00:15:12,162 --> 00:15:14,002
...something like that in a few months.
236
00:15:14,164 --> 00:15:16,084
But as you know,
they are hiring "Eddie."
237
00:15:16,250 --> 00:15:19,090
I mean, I'm-- I'm hot now. I'm viral.
238
00:15:19,253 --> 00:15:22,213
Take advantage of it.
Your father would've known how to do that.
239
00:15:22,381 --> 00:15:25,591
"Miller the Killer" I'd call him because
your old man would kill to get me a gig.
240
00:15:25,759 --> 00:15:29,309
Yeah. Yeah. He loved it
when you called him that.
241
00:15:34,018 --> 00:15:36,398
It killed him when you stopped.
242
00:15:36,562 --> 00:15:38,312
Come on.
243
00:15:51,493 --> 00:15:53,373
Hey.
244
00:15:54,747 --> 00:15:56,577
Hey.
245
00:15:56,749 --> 00:16:00,749
- What are you doing here?
- Happy Thanksgiving, baby.
246
00:16:01,295 --> 00:16:03,665
Thanks. You said you weren't coming.
247
00:16:04,298 --> 00:16:06,008
I flew in last night.
248
00:16:06,175 --> 00:16:08,795
- Get in the car. I'll take you to work.
- I'm just gonna take the train.
249
00:16:08,969 --> 00:16:11,849
- It's freezing. Get in the fucking car.
- I'm already-- No. No.
250
00:16:12,014 --> 00:16:13,814
I'm not gonna take a limo
to the soup kitchen.
251
00:16:13,974 --> 00:16:15,854
- I'm not gonna do it.
- Goddamn it. Follow us.
252
00:16:16,018 --> 00:16:18,098
Yes, Mr. Schiltz.
253
00:16:18,562 --> 00:16:20,732
Jesus, it's 80 in Boca.
254
00:16:20,898 --> 00:16:23,108
Well, then go home, Dad.
255
00:16:23,692 --> 00:16:26,822
Let me make this simple for you:
I need you to come back.
256
00:16:26,987 --> 00:16:29,567
- That what you wanna hear?
- I don't wanna hear anything.
257
00:16:29,740 --> 00:16:31,450
The place doesn't work
the same without you.
258
00:16:31,617 --> 00:16:35,447
Those old people are not happy because
you're not there to take care of them.
259
00:16:35,621 --> 00:16:38,331
We found something you're good at.
Why walk away from that?
260
00:16:38,499 --> 00:16:41,629
See. That's what you do.
Don't say things like that.
261
00:16:41,794 --> 00:16:44,214
- That's not nice. Don't--
- I meant it as a compliment.
262
00:16:44,380 --> 00:16:46,880
It's not a compliment.
How is that a compliment?
263
00:16:47,049 --> 00:16:50,469
You make me seem like I'm some kind of
problem that needs to be solved.
264
00:16:50,636 --> 00:16:53,506
- Or like I can't figure things--
- You are a problem. Heh, heh.
265
00:16:54,348 --> 00:16:56,768
- I'm not doing this on my block.
- But I love you.
266
00:16:56,934 --> 00:16:59,604
- That isn't love.
- Oh.
267
00:16:59,895 --> 00:17:02,855
My lawyer worked out an arrangement
with the court, so you can finish...
268
00:17:03,023 --> 00:17:06,903
- ...your community service in Florida.
- You can't do that without me.
269
00:17:07,069 --> 00:17:08,609
You can't do that without me.
270
00:17:08,779 --> 00:17:12,619
What's in New York for you?
You got cheated on. You got dumped.
271
00:17:12,783 --> 00:17:13,913
- So what?
- You got arrested.
272
00:17:14,076 --> 00:17:16,496
- So what?
- These are not signs of success...
273
00:17:16,662 --> 00:17:18,372
...in this city.
274
00:17:19,873 --> 00:17:22,293
- Go home, Dad.
- Hey.
275
00:17:22,459 --> 00:17:26,259
A week from Monday's my birthday
and you're having dinner with me.
276
00:17:26,422 --> 00:17:30,262
No ifs, ands or buts.
You got it? Because...
277
00:17:33,637 --> 00:17:35,177
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
278
00:17:38,392 --> 00:17:39,482
Don't sing.
279
00:17:41,437 --> 00:17:43,727
Okay to dinner.
No singing. No more singing.
280
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:49,280
And having dinner with me is not a gift!
281
00:17:49,445 --> 00:17:52,065
I want a gift too!
282
00:18:14,261 --> 00:18:15,641
Here he is.
283
00:18:15,804 --> 00:18:17,724
The prick who came in from the cold.
284
00:18:17,890 --> 00:18:19,930
Place looks good.
285
00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:22,730
- It smells a lot more Jewish than before.
- Heh-heh.
286
00:18:22,895 --> 00:18:25,975
Hey, Jay. You know
my famous brother, Jackie Burke?
287
00:18:26,148 --> 00:18:28,228
- How you doing?
- Hi, Jay.
288
00:18:28,984 --> 00:18:31,204
Probably needs money.
289
00:18:33,197 --> 00:18:35,407
I need to talk to you.
290
00:18:35,991 --> 00:18:37,371
I was right?
291
00:18:37,534 --> 00:18:40,254
Jesus, I was kidding.
292
00:18:41,288 --> 00:18:43,618
- So you need money?
- No, it's fine. I'm fine.
293
00:18:43,791 --> 00:18:46,081
Just doing my community service
over at the Apostles Mission.
294
00:18:46,251 --> 00:18:48,251
I was in the neighborhood.
Thought I'd say hello.
295
00:18:48,420 --> 00:18:50,760
Community service?
I saw the fucking video.
296
00:18:50,923 --> 00:18:52,723
How could you let
a heckler get to you like that?
297
00:18:52,883 --> 00:18:55,593
It wasn't about the heckling.
It was the goddamn camera.
298
00:18:55,761 --> 00:18:58,891
You know what they were doing?
Trying to use my act for their show.
299
00:18:59,056 --> 00:19:01,476
Create their show out of my act.
It was crazy.
300
00:19:01,642 --> 00:19:03,642
- You looked crazy.
- Yeah. So how are you?
301
00:19:03,811 --> 00:19:04,851
- I'm good. You?
- Good.
302
00:19:05,020 --> 00:19:08,730
I'm good. I'm good. I'm good.
Look, the only thing is, I-- I--
303
00:19:08,899 --> 00:19:12,109
I lost a lot of gigs the last four weeks
because of what happened.
304
00:19:12,277 --> 00:19:15,947
And Miller's re-booking them,
but I'm tapped out. I need a little--
305
00:19:16,114 --> 00:19:18,204
You know what?
You got a lot of fucking nerve.
306
00:19:18,367 --> 00:19:21,327
- I don't see you. I don't hear from you.
- It happened so fast.
307
00:19:21,495 --> 00:19:25,035
- They take your phone in prison.
- I read in Google News you got arrested.
308
00:19:25,207 --> 00:19:27,077
- Like I'm nothing to you.
- A lot of naked men.
309
00:19:27,251 --> 00:19:29,711
- Am I nothing to you? Is my family?
- I was preoccupied.
310
00:19:29,878 --> 00:19:31,458
- Is that why--?
- Jackie.
311
00:19:37,094 --> 00:19:38,604
Hello, Flo.
312
00:19:41,723 --> 00:19:43,733
- How nice to see you.
- Nice to see you.
313
00:19:43,892 --> 00:19:46,442
- Happy Thanksgiving.
- Happy Thanksgiving to you.
314
00:19:46,603 --> 00:19:50,323
- We haven't seen you for how long?
- Please....
315
00:19:50,482 --> 00:19:53,242
- Well, I was in prison.
- Oh, no, long before that.
316
00:19:53,402 --> 00:19:56,112
- So nice to see you.
- Nice to see you too. Nice to see you.
317
00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:58,120
- How are the kids?
- Kid.
318
00:19:58,282 --> 00:20:00,492
- We have one kid.
- She's an adult now.
319
00:20:00,659 --> 00:20:02,789
- I forgot. Dementia.
- Yeah. Yeah.
320
00:20:02,953 --> 00:20:04,253
- She's getting married.
- Is she?
321
00:20:04,413 --> 00:20:07,293
Brittany's getting married?
I thought she was a dyke.
322
00:20:08,709 --> 00:20:11,209
You say "lesbian," asshole.
323
00:20:11,378 --> 00:20:14,088
- Sorry. You're right. I meant "gay."
- And they get married.
324
00:20:14,256 --> 00:20:16,966
- They can get married.
- You don't have to come.
325
00:20:17,134 --> 00:20:18,434
He doesn't have to come.
326
00:20:18,594 --> 00:20:20,644
We sent you an invitation.
We heard nothing.
327
00:20:20,804 --> 00:20:23,104
- I was in prison. I told you.
- Before that.
328
00:20:23,265 --> 00:20:24,515
He doesn't have to come if he's busy.
329
00:20:24,683 --> 00:20:26,443
You don't have to come
if it's too much trouble.
330
00:20:26,602 --> 00:20:29,192
- It's not too much trouble.
- If it's too much trouble, don't come.
331
00:20:29,354 --> 00:20:31,864
I don't need the aggravation
if it's trouble for you.
332
00:20:32,024 --> 00:20:34,234
- I don't want it to become a thing.
- It's not a thing.
333
00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:37,611
- If it's gonna be a thing, don't bother.
- I don't think it's a thing.
334
00:20:37,779 --> 00:20:41,199
It's not a problem. It's not a thing.
I would love to come. I'll be there.
335
00:20:43,327 --> 00:20:46,867
- It's a week from Sunday. Yes.
- A week from Sunday? I will be there.
336
00:20:48,749 --> 00:20:52,959
So you wanna stay and have
Thanksgiving dinner after we close?
337
00:20:53,128 --> 00:20:57,048
Not really. I have an excuse though,
and I'll tell you what it is.
338
00:20:57,215 --> 00:21:01,175
I'm working at the mission. Double the
hours off my sentence for Thanksgiving.
339
00:21:05,098 --> 00:21:08,138
God forbid you do it because it's nice.
340
00:21:08,310 --> 00:21:10,190
I need to speak to you...
341
00:21:10,354 --> 00:21:12,524
...when you two are finished.
342
00:21:13,982 --> 00:21:16,692
Not in this house.
343
00:21:21,031 --> 00:21:24,121
- Oh, she hates me.
- No, she doesn't hate you.
344
00:21:24,284 --> 00:21:25,584
She doesn't?
345
00:21:25,744 --> 00:21:28,164
Yeah, I was fucking with you.
Of course she hates you.
346
00:21:28,330 --> 00:21:30,460
You never show up
unless you need something.
347
00:21:30,624 --> 00:21:31,924
- That's it?
- Yeah.
348
00:21:32,084 --> 00:21:34,924
Sensitive bitch.
None of my wives hated you.
349
00:21:35,087 --> 00:21:38,087
You were never married to any of them
long enough to meet me.
350
00:21:38,256 --> 00:21:40,126
So how much you need?
351
00:21:40,884 --> 00:21:43,894
I don't even remember.
I'm so exhausted.
352
00:21:44,596 --> 00:21:46,676
Pop liked me better.
353
00:21:47,140 --> 00:21:49,020
Daddy did not like you better.
354
00:21:49,184 --> 00:21:51,564
- No, he didn't.
- No, he didn't.
355
00:21:52,187 --> 00:21:55,817
Five thousand. No big deal.
You know you'll get it back.
356
00:21:57,776 --> 00:22:00,696
"You'll get it back." Yeah, I'll get it back.
357
00:22:08,161 --> 00:22:10,251
Daddy loved you. You know that.
358
00:22:10,414 --> 00:22:11,964
He did.
359
00:22:16,670 --> 00:22:20,510
My daughter idolizes her famous uncle.
360
00:22:21,842 --> 00:22:23,392
You better show up.
361
00:22:24,886 --> 00:22:25,966
Thanks.
362
00:22:26,138 --> 00:22:27,428
And bring a gift.
363
00:22:27,681 --> 00:22:29,731
Oh. That's gonna be extra.
364
00:22:30,392 --> 00:22:31,892
Go on.
365
00:22:41,820 --> 00:22:42,900
Growing up...
366
00:22:43,071 --> 00:22:46,161
...my family celebrated
all the Thanksgiving traditions.
367
00:22:46,324 --> 00:22:50,004
My favorite was my Uncle Moshit's
telling of the Thanksgiving story.
368
00:22:50,412 --> 00:22:52,582
Anyway. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy.
369
00:22:52,748 --> 00:22:55,168
Wow, did Duck Dynasty get canceled?
370
00:22:56,752 --> 00:23:00,172
Chris Rock, what the fuck
are you doing here?
371
00:23:00,338 --> 00:23:02,968
Hey, Chris, I was just telling
my Thanksgiving story.
372
00:23:03,467 --> 00:23:06,387
Uncle Moshit told me
that before the first Thanksgiving...
373
00:23:06,887 --> 00:23:09,807
...the pilgrims thought
that turkeys were sex objects.
374
00:23:09,973 --> 00:23:13,983
They couldn't fly, and "gobble-gobble"
was Puritan for "blowjob."
375
00:23:14,144 --> 00:23:18,444
So when the Indians arrived,
right after the Macy's Day Parade...
376
00:23:18,607 --> 00:23:20,687
...they brought turkeys all trussed up.
377
00:23:20,859 --> 00:23:24,279
They were with cranberry sauce
and gravy and potatoes...
378
00:23:24,446 --> 00:23:26,816
...and the Pilgrims were like--
They were pissed.
379
00:23:26,990 --> 00:23:30,660
They were like, "What are they doing?
They're eating our fuck birds."
380
00:23:30,827 --> 00:23:33,457
But you know, being Puritans,
they don't wanna be rude.
381
00:23:33,622 --> 00:23:36,042
But you know what?
It turned out...
382
00:23:36,208 --> 00:23:41,918
...that the turkeys tasted even better
than going down on their wives!
383
00:23:43,381 --> 00:23:44,801
Yeah!
384
00:23:45,842 --> 00:23:47,972
Would you believe that? That's the truth.
385
00:23:48,136 --> 00:23:50,346
So, what do you think
the Puritans did?
386
00:23:50,514 --> 00:23:54,894
The Puritans stopped fucking the turkeys
and started fucking the Indians instead.
387
00:23:55,060 --> 00:23:56,770
That's how we stole their country...
388
00:23:56,937 --> 00:23:59,897
...and made the turkey our national bird.
389
00:24:02,609 --> 00:24:04,739
- Supervisor's office?
- There. Yeah.
390
00:24:04,903 --> 00:24:06,453
- Up there?
- Mm-hm.
391
00:24:15,163 --> 00:24:18,583
You really are a piece of shit,
you know that, George?
392
00:24:18,750 --> 00:24:21,170
Oh, how is it my fault?
393
00:24:21,336 --> 00:24:22,916
How is this my fault?
394
00:24:23,088 --> 00:24:27,088
I didn't it throw at her. I threw it at you,
and she stepped in the way.
395
00:24:27,259 --> 00:24:29,139
That's on her. That's not on me.
396
00:24:29,302 --> 00:24:32,182
Who does that? She does.
Are you still seeing her?
397
00:24:32,347 --> 00:24:36,017
Are you with her? You're not with her.
You're not with her.
398
00:24:36,184 --> 00:24:39,104
I follow you on Instagram, you moron.
399
00:24:39,271 --> 00:24:41,481
I see what you're doing.
400
00:24:41,648 --> 00:24:44,728
Fuck you, George.
Well, fuck you, then!
401
00:24:45,402 --> 00:24:47,402
No, fuck you, George.
402
00:24:47,571 --> 00:24:50,571
No. I am taking the high road right now.
403
00:24:50,740 --> 00:24:55,000
So are we gonna see each other again,
or is this over for good?
404
00:25:01,585 --> 00:25:03,375
Fuck you.
405
00:25:03,545 --> 00:25:05,085
Goddamn it.
406
00:25:06,464 --> 00:25:07,844
Kevin, you got the keys?
407
00:25:08,008 --> 00:25:09,718
- What are you doing?
- I'm sorry-- I--
408
00:25:09,885 --> 00:25:12,595
Why are you standing there,
listening to a private conversation?
409
00:25:12,762 --> 00:25:15,142
- I wasn't listening.
- It's a private conversation.
410
00:25:15,307 --> 00:25:17,807
- I wasn't listening. I was--
- You can't eavesdrop...
411
00:25:17,976 --> 00:25:20,146
- ...on a private conversation.
- I wasn't.
412
00:25:20,312 --> 00:25:23,772
They asked me to come up
to have you sign this for my hours.
413
00:25:23,940 --> 00:25:25,730
You want the supervisor. That's Bobbi.
414
00:25:25,901 --> 00:25:27,151
- She's at the store.
- Okay.
415
00:25:27,319 --> 00:25:28,989
- And I'm allowed to be here.
- Sorry.
416
00:25:29,154 --> 00:25:31,664
- I didn't say you weren't.
- There's no cell service here...
417
00:25:31,823 --> 00:25:34,243
...but don't say anything to anyone.
Okay?
418
00:25:34,409 --> 00:25:35,449
I won't say a thing.
419
00:25:35,619 --> 00:25:39,079
Believe me. I will not say a thing.
I just don't wanna be that guy George.
420
00:25:39,247 --> 00:25:41,877
- What do you know about George?
- He's a piece of shit.
421
00:25:42,042 --> 00:25:44,092
Yeah, he is a piece of shit.
422
00:25:44,252 --> 00:25:47,172
- You got that right.
- Sounds like it.
423
00:25:47,923 --> 00:25:49,973
I know you, right? You're Jackie Burke.
424
00:25:50,133 --> 00:25:51,183
I am.
425
00:25:51,343 --> 00:25:54,473
My dad used to love your TV show.
We've watched every episode.
426
00:25:54,638 --> 00:25:56,178
Always nice to meet a fan.
427
00:25:56,348 --> 00:25:59,348
Yeah. Well, we just had the one TV.
428
00:25:59,726 --> 00:26:03,356
- Ah. What's your name?
- Harmony Schiltz.
429
00:26:03,521 --> 00:26:05,111
- Harmony Schiltz?
- Mm-hm.
430
00:26:05,273 --> 00:26:07,823
Were your parents
in a Nazi barbershop quartet?
431
00:26:08,026 --> 00:26:11,396
- Ha, ha. Yeah.
- It's always nice to see women laugh.
432
00:26:11,863 --> 00:26:13,873
Once you can make a woman laugh...
433
00:26:14,032 --> 00:26:17,542
...then you can make her do anything,
they say. I don't know if that's true.
434
00:26:17,702 --> 00:26:20,252
- Is that what they say?
- It's an old saying.
435
00:26:20,664 --> 00:26:22,834
Like a very, very old saying?
436
00:26:22,999 --> 00:26:24,039
Ooh....
437
00:26:35,637 --> 00:26:37,717
Ladies and gentlemen...
438
00:26:37,889 --> 00:26:39,769
...we are now beginning the third set...
439
00:26:39,975 --> 00:26:43,095
...with the terrific Art Blakey
and his Jazz Messengers...
440
00:26:43,270 --> 00:26:45,310
...from the jazz corner of the world.
441
00:26:45,480 --> 00:26:49,650
Lee Morgan on trumpet, Wayne Shorter
on the tenor saxophone...
442
00:26:49,818 --> 00:26:54,158
...Bobby Timmons on the piano,
Jymie Merritt on the bass.
443
00:26:54,322 --> 00:26:57,782
- Soul Brothers on the scene now.
- Soul Brothers on the scene now.
444
00:26:57,951 --> 00:27:01,001
- Gonna really do a cool one for you.
- Gonna really do a cool one for you.
445
00:27:01,162 --> 00:27:04,002
How about a nice hand,
everybody, together--
446
00:27:04,165 --> 00:27:07,535
For the one and only
Art Blakey and his Jazz Messengers?
447
00:27:34,154 --> 00:27:35,534
Hey, jailbird, what's up?
448
00:27:35,697 --> 00:27:37,367
Hey, Jackie, how's your asshole?
449
00:27:37,532 --> 00:27:38,742
Can I get you something?
450
00:27:38,908 --> 00:27:42,078
- Like a hemorrhoidal donut?
- Get Jackie a Chivas on the rocks.
451
00:27:42,829 --> 00:27:44,659
Buy him a drink,
but you won't book him?
452
00:27:44,831 --> 00:27:46,121
- Less risky.
- Why?
453
00:27:46,291 --> 00:27:50,381
Because he's out of control.
Too much baggage.
454
00:27:52,922 --> 00:27:57,552
On my way up there, I saw
a group of cops, six of them, on horses.
455
00:27:57,719 --> 00:27:59,549
Can they do real cop stuff?
456
00:27:59,721 --> 00:28:01,431
Because every time I see them,
they're like:
457
00:28:03,808 --> 00:28:06,058
"Easy. Easy."
458
00:28:08,063 --> 00:28:10,023
"Sure, I'll take a picture."
459
00:28:12,817 --> 00:28:15,487
My parents are immigrants.
They're from Taiwan.
460
00:28:15,653 --> 00:28:17,363
They moved to Texas
when I was a baby.
461
00:28:17,530 --> 00:28:20,830
And I think immigration is fucking crazy.
462
00:28:20,992 --> 00:28:23,622
Can you imagine moving
to a completely foreign country...
463
00:28:23,787 --> 00:28:27,327
...just so your offspring
would have more opportunities?
464
00:28:29,209 --> 00:28:31,799
Then your kid goes
into stand-up comedy.
465
00:28:33,713 --> 00:28:37,223
I'm Puerto Rican,
which means I'm a Mexican with papers.
466
00:28:37,801 --> 00:28:40,851
I was a teenage-pregnancy case.
That's how we do it in my family.
467
00:28:41,012 --> 00:28:43,852
We have our babies, then we get a job,
then we get our periods.
468
00:28:44,432 --> 00:28:48,272
I love New York City, but there's
some attitude here. A little attitude.
469
00:28:48,436 --> 00:28:51,266
I could never live anywhere else.
470
00:28:52,899 --> 00:28:56,689
I don't know. It's a great city,
but, come on...
471
00:28:56,861 --> 00:29:00,281
...the greatest city in the world?
It's the only place I've ever been--
472
00:29:00,448 --> 00:29:04,038
"What's that smell?"
"Oh, that's the greatest city in the world."
473
00:29:04,494 --> 00:29:07,164
If the bathroom door's locked
and I got my iPad...
474
00:29:07,330 --> 00:29:09,620
...you know what I'm doing,
so don't knock please.
475
00:29:09,791 --> 00:29:11,711
It's one of those things.
Breaks the flow.
476
00:29:11,876 --> 00:29:14,496
Like when you're fucking
and the phone rings and it's your mother.
477
00:29:16,214 --> 00:29:18,304
Like, why are you calling me?
I'm right next to you.
478
00:29:20,343 --> 00:29:24,063
Oh, I just improv'd that.
I didn't mean to get blue.
479
00:29:24,222 --> 00:29:27,062
Sorry. Incest, it's the only thing
that gets people back at 2 a.m.
480
00:29:35,608 --> 00:29:39,398
We like to think RAW TV
is the progressive alternative to networks.
481
00:29:39,571 --> 00:29:41,701
She lost me when she said,
"We like to think."
482
00:29:41,865 --> 00:29:43,485
Jackie....
483
00:29:43,658 --> 00:29:47,578
Scared to Death is the most-watched
new show on basic cable.
484
00:29:48,079 --> 00:29:50,709
- Carol Bock will be right with you.
- Thank you.
485
00:29:51,833 --> 00:29:53,673
"Raw" meaning half-baked?
486
00:29:53,835 --> 00:29:55,295
No. Raw as in "rough."
487
00:29:55,462 --> 00:29:58,172
You went viral because
you beat the shit out of somebody...
488
00:29:58,339 --> 00:29:59,589
...that's a plus for them.
489
00:29:59,757 --> 00:30:03,507
Scared to Death. Maybe I should've
worn my Halloween costume.
490
00:30:05,013 --> 00:30:09,393
Eddie's serving a 15-year
sentence for beating a heckler to death.
491
00:30:09,559 --> 00:30:12,439
- Where'd that idea come from? Ha-ha-ha.
- Guess.
492
00:30:12,604 --> 00:30:14,734
Anyway, he becomes
the convict king of the prison.
493
00:30:14,898 --> 00:30:19,318
He runs everything. He runs the drugs,
sex, extortion, everything.
494
00:30:19,486 --> 00:30:22,446
Any kind of crime that's in the prison,
he's in control of.
495
00:30:22,614 --> 00:30:26,534
And then the other gang leaders,
the Crips, the Bloods, the Aryan Nation...
496
00:30:26,701 --> 00:30:28,871
...the Mexican Mafia,
they all come to him.
497
00:30:29,037 --> 00:30:31,917
And he's tough, he's ruthless, but funny.
498
00:30:32,290 --> 00:30:36,630
It's like Breaking Bad on acid, but funny.
499
00:30:36,794 --> 00:30:38,674
- Main thing is--
- And pure Jackie Burke.
500
00:30:38,838 --> 00:30:40,588
- You'll write?
- I'll write the pilot...
501
00:30:40,757 --> 00:30:42,677
...and I'll punch up all the scripts.
502
00:30:42,842 --> 00:30:46,262
Our channel's target audience is 18-24.
503
00:30:46,429 --> 00:30:49,519
He plays to that demo all the time.
They will eat this up.
504
00:30:49,682 --> 00:30:52,272
- You got a title?
- Burke on the Block.
505
00:30:52,977 --> 00:30:55,017
I'm open to anything.
You know your audience.
506
00:30:55,188 --> 00:30:57,898
Burke on the Block. It's funny.
507
00:30:59,067 --> 00:31:00,987
Okay. Great.
508
00:31:01,152 --> 00:31:03,322
I just have to say, Eddie--
509
00:31:03,488 --> 00:31:05,698
God-- Sorry.
510
00:31:05,865 --> 00:31:08,575
- I mean, Jackie.
- It's-- No. No worries.
511
00:31:08,743 --> 00:31:11,003
Jackie. I can't believe I said that.
512
00:31:11,162 --> 00:31:14,042
- It's all right. Don't worry.
- The idea's delicious.
513
00:31:14,207 --> 00:31:16,787
Your YouTube video, a lot of hits.
514
00:31:18,211 --> 00:31:22,471
Let me bandy it about with my posse here.
There's a lot of stuff to consider.
515
00:31:22,632 --> 00:31:24,342
How much time do you need?
516
00:31:24,509 --> 00:31:28,929
I just have to tell you, Jackie,
you are the reason I am in television.
517
00:31:29,097 --> 00:31:30,807
In television comedy.
518
00:31:30,974 --> 00:31:35,564
When I was a kid,
I remember laughing so hard at you.
519
00:31:35,728 --> 00:31:37,978
I couldn't wait to grow up.
It is so cool to meet you.
520
00:31:38,147 --> 00:31:39,607
Thank you.
521
00:31:39,774 --> 00:31:42,614
But, listen, the idea is terrific, and we'll--
522
00:31:42,777 --> 00:31:44,317
Did I hear a "but"?
523
00:31:44,487 --> 00:31:46,107
I thought I heard a "but."
524
00:31:46,281 --> 00:31:47,951
Did we hear a "but"?
525
00:31:48,116 --> 00:31:51,946
There's a lot of butts sitting here, but
does "but" mean "Give me some time"?
526
00:31:52,120 --> 00:31:55,210
"Let me think about it"?
"Maybe never"? "Whatever"?
527
00:31:55,373 --> 00:31:59,293
Jackie, "but" is part
of my job description.
528
00:31:59,460 --> 00:32:02,510
But we don't have to go past "but."
It's not necessary.
529
00:32:02,672 --> 00:32:06,262
Time is of the essence. Not everybody
has a lot of time, especially me "but."
530
00:32:06,426 --> 00:32:09,136
Carol is just explaining
that there's a process--
531
00:32:09,304 --> 00:32:11,764
I know the process.
She's explaining the process.
532
00:32:11,931 --> 00:32:14,481
But the process is
we're not interested, "but."
533
00:32:14,642 --> 00:32:15,812
Thank you, "but."
534
00:32:15,977 --> 00:32:19,057
- And I say, so long, thank you too, "but."
- Thanks for coming in.
535
00:32:19,230 --> 00:32:22,110
- Thank you.
- I will give you a call.
536
00:32:23,735 --> 00:32:25,355
Whoa.
537
00:32:26,321 --> 00:32:27,411
Jackie.
538
00:32:27,572 --> 00:32:29,452
You see her fucking feet
on that table?
539
00:32:29,616 --> 00:32:31,116
- Who does she think she is?
- I did.
540
00:32:31,284 --> 00:32:33,754
- She is a fan who runs a cable network.
- Fucking bitch. Yeah.
541
00:32:33,911 --> 00:32:36,331
She had a neon sign on her forehead
that said "no."
542
00:32:36,497 --> 00:32:38,167
There are new executives out there.
543
00:32:38,333 --> 00:32:41,713
You have to cultivate them. They say
"no" now, come back with another idea.
544
00:32:41,878 --> 00:32:45,338
Gonna tap dance for these fucking idiots
who don't have an ounce of talent.
545
00:32:45,506 --> 00:32:47,176
They're gonna tell me what's funny?
546
00:32:47,342 --> 00:32:50,892
- Being funny isn't enough anymore.
- Now you're fired.
547
00:32:51,763 --> 00:32:55,483
Jackie! Jackie, come on! Jackie, please!
548
00:33:02,982 --> 00:33:07,032
It's a little tight on you.
I think you should get something bigger.
549
00:33:07,195 --> 00:33:09,655
It's the shirt that makes the man. Right?
550
00:33:09,822 --> 00:33:11,322
- You know it.
- There you go.
551
00:33:11,491 --> 00:33:13,281
This is you. This is you.
552
00:33:13,451 --> 00:33:15,951
You're gonna like the way you look.
I guarantee it.
553
00:33:16,120 --> 00:33:17,540
Wait a minute.
554
00:33:17,705 --> 00:33:21,705
You're that guy on TV.
Eddie's Home, right?
555
00:33:21,876 --> 00:33:24,336
- How'd you wind up here?
- That's a good question.
556
00:33:24,504 --> 00:33:25,764
Here I am. What can I do?
557
00:33:25,922 --> 00:33:27,512
Jail? The slammer? What happened?
558
00:33:27,674 --> 00:33:29,344
I was
and had to do community service.
559
00:33:29,509 --> 00:33:32,889
- Here I am. Stuck. What am I gonna do?
- There you go. See?
560
00:33:33,054 --> 00:33:36,684
- You guys are all homeless, right?
- Yeah. Pretty much homeless. Yeah.
561
00:33:36,849 --> 00:33:39,349
Where are all the bums?
The guys that don't wanna work.
562
00:33:39,519 --> 00:33:43,149
What happens with them?
I'm getting confused. I want to work...
563
00:33:43,314 --> 00:33:46,234
...but I don't want any of the jobs
I can actually get.
564
00:33:46,401 --> 00:33:50,321
So I guess you could say, for me...
565
00:33:50,488 --> 00:33:53,118
...it's more-- Being a bum
is more of a career choice.
566
00:33:53,282 --> 00:33:54,952
- True.
- Gotta do what you gotta do.
567
00:33:55,118 --> 00:33:57,078
- That's it. That's what I gotta do.
- Yeah.
568
00:33:57,245 --> 00:33:59,325
You lie in your own bed,
you sleep in it.
569
00:33:59,497 --> 00:34:00,827
Good advice. I like that.
570
00:34:00,998 --> 00:34:02,828
- Where'd you learn that?
- An old wives' tale.
571
00:34:03,000 --> 00:34:05,800
- Mike, cover for me for a minute. Okay?
- Yeah.
572
00:34:10,967 --> 00:34:13,547
- Hi.
- Ah! Shit.
573
00:34:13,720 --> 00:34:16,600
You keep sneaking up on me like that.
Why do you keep doing that?
574
00:34:16,764 --> 00:34:19,934
I don't know. Maybe it's something
I picked up in prison.
575
00:34:20,893 --> 00:34:22,983
By the way,
I watched that YouTube video...
576
00:34:23,146 --> 00:34:25,766
...and for what it's worth,
you were absolutely right...
577
00:34:25,940 --> 00:34:28,400
...to hit that guy in the face
with a microphone.
578
00:34:28,568 --> 00:34:30,318
- Thanks.
- He deserved it.
579
00:34:30,486 --> 00:34:33,606
But my dad's an ex-con,
so I don't know what kind of judge I am.
580
00:34:33,781 --> 00:34:36,081
- How many hours did you get?
- A hundred. You?
581
00:34:36,242 --> 00:34:38,792
Two-fifty. For what?
582
00:34:39,120 --> 00:34:41,540
- Assault.
- Me too.
583
00:34:42,498 --> 00:34:45,418
You got a hundred for assault.
Why is that fair?
584
00:34:45,585 --> 00:34:48,125
Why does that make sense?
That makes no sense at all.
585
00:34:48,296 --> 00:34:51,716
Why should a man get less
than a woman? For the same thing.
586
00:34:51,883 --> 00:34:54,973
That makes zero sense.
Not that I mind working here...
587
00:34:55,136 --> 00:34:58,216
...because I really do love being here,
but that's bullshit.
588
00:34:58,389 --> 00:35:00,349
What'd you do,
get the celebrity discount?
589
00:35:00,516 --> 00:35:02,516
No, they gave me 30 days in jail.
590
00:35:03,978 --> 00:35:07,018
Well, next time, don't hit someone
in the head with a microphone.
591
00:35:07,190 --> 00:35:09,440
- Yeah. I was provoked.
- Well, I was provoked.
592
00:35:09,609 --> 00:35:12,449
- I was provoked.
- You found him in bed with somebody?
593
00:35:12,612 --> 00:35:14,992
Yeah. How'd you know?
594
00:35:15,156 --> 00:35:18,406
I've been there. I recognized
the key you were screaming in.
595
00:35:18,576 --> 00:35:19,616
So, what'd you do?
596
00:35:20,912 --> 00:35:23,372
I dislocated his jaw, accidentally.
597
00:35:23,539 --> 00:35:25,369
Well, what about her?
598
00:35:25,541 --> 00:35:31,461
She put her hand up to block
a very small lamp, and her wrist broke.
599
00:35:31,631 --> 00:35:33,671
- Oh, okay.
- So....
600
00:35:34,842 --> 00:35:38,682
You know, I'm sorry, I....
601
00:35:38,846 --> 00:35:43,176
- If-- I'm sorry I was rude the other day.
- No, I wasn't coming on strong.
602
00:35:43,351 --> 00:35:47,401
I hope you didn't think I was. I just figured
that you and I are doing time together...
603
00:35:47,563 --> 00:35:50,023
...so us cons gotta stick together
in a place like this.
604
00:35:51,818 --> 00:35:53,988
Motherfucker.
605
00:35:54,153 --> 00:35:55,863
Motherfucker!
606
00:35:56,030 --> 00:35:58,450
- Shit!
- Oh, okay.
607
00:35:58,616 --> 00:36:02,036
Goddamn it. Shit.
608
00:36:02,203 --> 00:36:04,123
Okay. Okay.
609
00:36:05,331 --> 00:36:09,501
This is the worst day ever.
This is the shittiest day ever.
610
00:36:09,669 --> 00:36:11,999
I can't catch a fucking break.
611
00:36:12,171 --> 00:36:14,091
Goddamn it.
612
00:36:14,257 --> 00:36:16,837
Shit. I'm sorry.
613
00:36:17,009 --> 00:36:18,589
I don't need-- I'm--
614
00:36:18,761 --> 00:36:22,471
You know what? Let's get a broom.
This is too messy for-- We--
615
00:36:22,890 --> 00:36:26,190
It's all right. It's all right.
It's just a bunch of olives.
616
00:36:27,728 --> 00:36:30,058
Hey, look, are you free tonight?
617
00:36:30,231 --> 00:36:32,571
- What?
- Are you free tonight?
618
00:36:33,401 --> 00:36:36,651
What, like a date?
No, I'm not going on a date with you.
619
00:36:36,821 --> 00:36:40,031
We can call it a date, or it'll be
an appointment, doesn't matter.
620
00:36:40,199 --> 00:36:42,239
No date. And I'm not sleeping with you.
621
00:36:42,410 --> 00:36:45,790
- That's not what I wanna do.
- I'm not asking you to sleep with me.
622
00:36:45,955 --> 00:36:48,075
I'm asking you to go
on an appointment with me.
623
00:36:48,249 --> 00:36:50,499
Look, you had a terrible day.
You just said it.
624
00:36:50,668 --> 00:36:52,748
Let me take you to a place.
You might have a nice time.
625
00:36:52,920 --> 00:36:56,220
My life is going great right now,
so I don't know if you think...
626
00:36:56,382 --> 00:37:00,012
...my life isn't going great
because I am fine. I'm perfectly fine.
627
00:37:00,177 --> 00:37:03,967
So I don't need you telling me
that my life isn't going great...
628
00:37:04,140 --> 00:37:07,020
...but if I have time tonight,
I'll check my calendar...
629
00:37:07,184 --> 00:37:10,484
...and make sure that I have time.
If I do, then maybe I'll go.
630
00:37:10,646 --> 00:37:12,396
Good. So why don't you come?
631
00:37:14,442 --> 00:37:16,902
- Well, what time?
- After your shift.
632
00:37:17,069 --> 00:37:18,109
All right.
633
00:37:18,279 --> 00:37:21,779
So I'll check and see if I'm free,
then I'll meet you upstairs after work.
634
00:37:21,949 --> 00:37:24,329
I'll be outside
just like the other homeless people.
635
00:37:24,493 --> 00:37:28,163
I'll be on the ground over there.
Wake me up. Make sure you wake me up.
636
00:37:28,331 --> 00:37:30,041
- So I smell like olives.
- Don't worry.
637
00:37:30,207 --> 00:37:31,957
Are you gonna help me clean this up?
638
00:37:32,126 --> 00:37:34,746
If you go with me,
I'll help you clean it up.
639
00:37:36,130 --> 00:37:38,800
You ever notice that all old Jewish people
have the same face...
640
00:37:38,966 --> 00:37:43,216
...even when they're saying
something positive? "It's gorgeous outside."
641
00:37:43,387 --> 00:37:45,887
I'm so grateful I'm healthy."
642
00:37:46,057 --> 00:37:48,267
Are you sure you're okay?
You look like shit.
643
00:37:49,018 --> 00:37:52,478
I went to visit my grandmother recently,
and all these old Jewish women...
644
00:37:52,647 --> 00:37:55,857
...sit around and play mah-jongg and
all sound like little bees when they talk.
645
00:37:56,025 --> 00:37:57,315
You know, they hunch over:
646
00:38:04,033 --> 00:38:05,083
salmon.
647
00:38:05,242 --> 00:38:10,252
Anyway, so I go to find her, and she's
not there and I go up to her friend Rona...
648
00:38:10,414 --> 00:38:12,754
...and I said, "Rona, do you know
where my grandmother is?"
649
00:38:12,917 --> 00:38:18,337
She goes "I don't know, darling,
but I'll let her know you're looking for her...."
650
00:38:20,633 --> 00:38:22,093
"--trust fund."
651
00:38:22,259 --> 00:38:23,759
Anyway, so...
652
00:38:23,928 --> 00:38:28,428
...I walk away, and I hear her yell out
in the middle of the card room:
653
00:38:28,599 --> 00:38:34,149
"That's Bea Fobman's granddaughter.
She's a lesbian magician."
654
00:38:35,856 --> 00:38:38,316
You know what I did?
I fucked her and made her disappear.
655
00:38:38,484 --> 00:38:39,744
Isn't that amazing?
656
00:38:40,611 --> 00:38:43,531
You guys are awesome.
Don't clap. It'll never fill the hole.
657
00:38:43,698 --> 00:38:46,448
Look who's here. Oh, my God.
658
00:38:46,617 --> 00:38:50,867
It's Jackie Burke.
Jackie Burke's in the crowd.
659
00:38:51,038 --> 00:38:54,958
That is-- I have not seen you in so long.
660
00:38:55,126 --> 00:38:58,706
Isn't it adorable when celebrities bring
their hookers to the club?
661
00:38:58,879 --> 00:39:00,969
Isn't that amazing? Isn't that awesome?
662
00:39:01,132 --> 00:39:03,092
What did he do to get you here?
663
00:39:03,300 --> 00:39:05,590
Uh.... Ha, ha, ha!
664
00:39:05,761 --> 00:39:08,311
That he would buy me an ass--
Ice-cream cone.
665
00:39:09,724 --> 00:39:11,774
"Ass cream" is amazing.
666
00:39:11,934 --> 00:39:13,444
That's so cute.
667
00:39:13,602 --> 00:39:17,272
I tasted ass cream,
and it is so delicious.
668
00:39:17,440 --> 00:39:18,860
There's all kinds of flavors.
669
00:39:19,025 --> 00:39:22,275
What kind of flavor ass cream
would you get if you--?
670
00:39:22,445 --> 00:39:26,025
You need to be careful
because those sprinkles will be roofies.
671
00:39:27,825 --> 00:39:31,405
Trust me, I know.
I was very sore after that night.
672
00:39:31,579 --> 00:39:34,869
You're giving away my secret, Jess.
After everything I've done for you.
673
00:39:35,041 --> 00:39:37,591
I was there for you when you were
starting out as a young man.
674
00:39:42,089 --> 00:39:43,969
I always had a bigger dick though.
675
00:39:45,342 --> 00:39:46,682
I did. Always.
676
00:39:46,844 --> 00:39:48,974
No, you don't. No, you don't.
677
00:39:49,388 --> 00:39:53,228
Wait, wait. You know what, Jess?
You're right. Your cock is huge.
678
00:39:54,643 --> 00:39:58,273
So I wanna tell you guys something.
It's so good to see Jackie.
679
00:39:58,439 --> 00:40:02,109
Because Jackie is really my mentor.
I was opening for him one night--
680
00:40:02,276 --> 00:40:04,196
I mean, comedy.
I was opening comedy.
681
00:40:05,863 --> 00:40:08,283
Yeah. We did a Jewish country-club gig.
682
00:40:08,449 --> 00:40:09,619
No. It was Italian.
683
00:40:09,784 --> 00:40:12,204
No. It wasn't Italian.
It was Jewish. They were Jews.
684
00:40:12,369 --> 00:40:14,789
I went in the men's room.
Believe me, it was Italian.
685
00:40:16,791 --> 00:40:19,041
A lot of calzones.
686
00:40:20,503 --> 00:40:24,053
- Give him a hand. He's incredible.
- My pleasure.
687
00:40:24,757 --> 00:40:29,007
You suck in bed, but you're such
a great guy and a great comic.
688
00:40:29,178 --> 00:40:32,848
That was amazing.
That was so much fun. I feel like I'm high.
689
00:40:33,015 --> 00:40:37,385
You were so funny. That was--
You're so much funnier than Eddie.
690
00:40:37,561 --> 00:40:41,651
You're so quick, and, like, do you
come up with all that on the spot?
691
00:40:41,816 --> 00:40:43,436
Sometimes. Yeah.
692
00:40:43,609 --> 00:40:45,489
That was good. Thank you.
693
00:40:45,653 --> 00:40:48,033
Are you free on Sunday?
694
00:40:48,197 --> 00:40:50,067
No. I'm not. I don't--
695
00:40:50,241 --> 00:40:53,371
No, no. I have a wedding
that I have to go to. My niece's wedding.
696
00:40:53,536 --> 00:40:55,496
I don't wanna go--
I don't wanna go alone.
697
00:40:55,663 --> 00:40:58,583
I thought, maybe, if you went,
you could be my wingman.
698
00:40:58,749 --> 00:41:01,879
- We could have a few laughs.
- Okay.
699
00:41:02,044 --> 00:41:03,094
- Really?
- Yeah.
700
00:41:03,254 --> 00:41:04,714
- You're free on Sunday?
- Yeah.
701
00:41:04,880 --> 00:41:07,130
- What, you have no life?
- Ha, ha, ha.
702
00:41:07,341 --> 00:41:09,391
- But you have to do me a favor.
- What's that?
703
00:41:09,552 --> 00:41:12,682
My dad's birthday's on Monday, and...
704
00:41:12,847 --> 00:41:15,847
...he asked me for a birthday gift,
and you're it.
705
00:41:16,308 --> 00:41:17,688
Do I have to?
706
00:41:17,852 --> 00:41:19,232
Yeah.
707
00:41:19,395 --> 00:41:20,595
- Okay, okay.
- Deal?
708
00:41:20,771 --> 00:41:22,611
- Deal.
- Ha-ha-ha. Okay.
709
00:41:22,773 --> 00:41:25,863
That was fun. I loved that.
710
00:41:39,915 --> 00:41:43,205
- Oh! Ha-ha-ha! Thank you.
- I appreciate you doing this.
711
00:41:43,377 --> 00:41:44,707
Remember, this is family.
712
00:41:44,879 --> 00:41:49,049
I need 20 more cases of champagne.
Ah, Mr. Jackie Burke.
713
00:41:49,216 --> 00:41:51,216
Your brother asked me to wait for you.
714
00:41:51,385 --> 00:41:53,045
- You're late. It's already started.
- Come on. Hurry.
715
00:41:53,220 --> 00:41:55,640
They haven't done
the glass-breaking yet, have they?
716
00:41:55,806 --> 00:41:58,016
The glass-breaking part
is my favorite part.
717
00:41:58,184 --> 00:42:01,234
The ceremony was an hour ago.
We are about to present the brides.
718
00:42:01,395 --> 00:42:04,185
- Shit.
- Ahem. Uh, nice dress.
719
00:42:04,356 --> 00:42:06,026
Too bad they didn't have it in your size.
720
00:42:06,483 --> 00:42:09,653
- How do you get in and out of that thing?
- None of your business.
721
00:42:09,820 --> 00:42:11,660
- Come on.
- Everybody, inside.
722
00:42:11,822 --> 00:42:12,912
Inside now. Please.
723
00:42:14,617 --> 00:42:19,997
Ladies and gentlemen, it's my honor
to present to you the newlyweds.
724
00:42:20,164 --> 00:42:24,544
The Berkowitz-Nelsons:
spouses for life.
725
00:42:25,336 --> 00:42:27,086
Everybody stand up. Stand up.
726
00:42:27,254 --> 00:42:31,884
And for their first dance, they've prepared
something special for you.
727
00:42:32,092 --> 00:42:35,182
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
728
00:42:55,366 --> 00:42:56,946
Come on, guys!
729
00:43:17,304 --> 00:43:19,564
Hey, you came.
730
00:43:19,723 --> 00:43:22,603
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
731
00:43:24,353 --> 00:43:26,983
This is my brother, Jimmy. Harmony.
732
00:43:27,147 --> 00:43:28,687
- Hi.
- Oh!
733
00:43:28,857 --> 00:43:30,567
You never cease to amaze me.
734
00:43:30,734 --> 00:43:32,574
Very nice.
735
00:43:35,114 --> 00:43:37,704
- Oh! This is my wife, Florence.
- Hi.
736
00:43:37,866 --> 00:43:41,616
- This is Harmony, Jackie's friend.
- Congratulations. Thanks for having me.
737
00:43:41,787 --> 00:43:44,617
Nice to meet you,
and thank you for coming.
738
00:43:44,790 --> 00:43:48,630
Aah! Uncle Jackie!
Oh, my God, you came.
739
00:43:48,794 --> 00:43:51,384
Uncle Jackie, this is my wife, Frankie.
740
00:43:51,547 --> 00:43:54,377
- Nice to meet you. Congratulations.
- My Uncle Jackie.
741
00:43:54,550 --> 00:43:56,180
- Hi.
- Welcome to our family.
742
00:43:56,343 --> 00:43:59,183
You can come meet our friends.
Meet our friends.
743
00:43:59,346 --> 00:44:02,096
Come on. Guys, guys.
744
00:44:02,725 --> 00:44:05,135
This is my Uncle Jackie.
745
00:44:07,021 --> 00:44:11,941
This is such a nice wedding,
and your daughter, she's beautiful.
746
00:44:12,109 --> 00:44:13,279
Beautiful dress.
747
00:44:13,444 --> 00:44:15,034
Kleinfeld's.
748
00:44:15,571 --> 00:44:17,241
And Frankie has a different one.
749
00:44:17,948 --> 00:44:20,868
- Yeah.
- They're partners, not twins.
750
00:44:21,035 --> 00:44:22,995
Flo, Flo.
751
00:44:27,166 --> 00:44:29,166
Have you known Jackie long?
752
00:44:29,335 --> 00:44:31,375
How did you meet?
753
00:44:31,545 --> 00:44:34,465
I picked him up at the homeless shelter.
754
00:44:34,631 --> 00:44:37,051
- Are you gonna talk?
- Florence, Florence.
755
00:44:37,217 --> 00:44:38,337
- Florence.
- I'm so sorry.
756
00:44:38,510 --> 00:44:41,720
- You gotta make us laugh.
- Please. That would be so great.
757
00:44:41,889 --> 00:44:45,059
- You're gonna say a few words, right?
- I'm just here as a guest.
758
00:44:45,225 --> 00:44:46,225
Just as a guest.
759
00:44:46,393 --> 00:44:48,403
Please.
Come on. It would be so great.
760
00:44:48,562 --> 00:44:50,692
Ask your parents.
I don't wanna deal with a--
761
00:44:50,856 --> 00:44:53,776
- We don't want it to become a thing.
- He doesn't want to. He's a guest.
762
00:44:53,942 --> 00:44:57,112
If she's gonna make a thing out of it,
then it's gonna be a disaster.
763
00:44:57,279 --> 00:45:01,699
No. For me, for me.
You gotta. Please? For us.
764
00:45:01,867 --> 00:45:03,697
Come on. It's my wedding.
765
00:45:06,455 --> 00:45:07,535
- Okay.
- Yay!
766
00:45:10,709 --> 00:45:12,709
Thank you!
767
00:45:19,718 --> 00:45:21,598
Come on, guys.
768
00:45:27,142 --> 00:45:28,442
Hey!
769
00:45:31,313 --> 00:45:32,363
Hey!
770
00:45:35,234 --> 00:45:36,534
Hey!
771
00:45:37,653 --> 00:45:39,283
- Come on. Let's go.
- No, no.
772
00:45:39,446 --> 00:45:41,776
- Come on.
- I think I'm coming down with something.
773
00:45:41,949 --> 00:45:45,039
- You're not coming down with something.
- I get nervous up there. Dizzy.
774
00:45:45,202 --> 00:45:46,582
- I get dizzy.
- To dance?
775
00:45:48,580 --> 00:45:51,500
Whoa!
776
00:45:54,878 --> 00:45:56,048
Come on. Come on.
777
00:45:56,213 --> 00:45:57,303
Come on.
778
00:45:57,464 --> 00:45:59,094
Come on, you. You chicken!
779
00:45:59,258 --> 00:46:01,468
- Come on.
- No. I don't do physical comedy.
780
00:46:01,635 --> 00:46:03,215
- You dance.
- I'm gonna take her.
781
00:46:03,387 --> 00:46:06,217
- Take her. Don't steal her.
- Take me.
782
00:46:06,390 --> 00:46:08,810
Come on. Come on.
783
00:46:21,321 --> 00:46:22,661
Dance with me, beautiful.
784
00:46:27,911 --> 00:46:29,121
Who's the shiksa?
785
00:46:32,082 --> 00:46:33,632
Dance.
786
00:46:37,421 --> 00:46:39,381
You should be worried, Jackie.
787
00:46:50,893 --> 00:46:52,853
Please. Everyone stand back.
788
00:46:53,020 --> 00:46:54,440
Are you all right?
789
00:46:54,605 --> 00:46:56,605
- Are you okay?
- Inhale. Exhale.
790
00:46:56,773 --> 00:46:59,033
- Hey.
- Hey, let go.
791
00:46:59,193 --> 00:47:02,613
It's not my heart we are worried about.
Get up, you old letch.
792
00:47:02,779 --> 00:47:04,529
Okay. Come on.
793
00:47:23,091 --> 00:47:24,131
That was fun.
794
00:47:24,301 --> 00:47:27,931
- Yeah. Well, you're having a good time.
- You should've done it. You're not sick.
795
00:47:28,096 --> 00:47:31,056
- Whoa! Little shits.
- Don't push me!
796
00:47:31,225 --> 00:47:32,805
No maternal instinct?
797
00:47:32,976 --> 00:47:35,596
No. My maternal instinct kicks in
when I'm 70.
798
00:47:36,396 --> 00:47:37,436
When you're 70?
799
00:47:38,815 --> 00:47:40,395
Were you ever married?
800
00:47:40,567 --> 00:47:41,857
- No.
- No?
801
00:47:42,027 --> 00:47:44,277
- Mm-mm.
- Never--?
802
00:47:44,446 --> 00:47:47,566
Seems very unusual
that a girl like you is not attached.
803
00:47:47,741 --> 00:47:51,201
I've been attached. It's just never stuck.
804
00:47:51,370 --> 00:47:52,960
You have more questions?
805
00:47:53,121 --> 00:47:56,581
Hi, can I have your attention, everybody?
806
00:47:58,293 --> 00:48:00,133
- Thank you.
- Brittany.
807
00:48:00,754 --> 00:48:02,764
Frankie and I wanna welcome you...
808
00:48:02,923 --> 00:48:05,183
- ...all here tonight.
- We love you, Frankie.
809
00:48:05,342 --> 00:48:08,432
You can't imagine how happy I am
you all came to share...
810
00:48:08,595 --> 00:48:10,345
- ...this day with us.
- She seems nice.
811
00:48:10,514 --> 00:48:11,774
I don't know her that well.
812
00:48:11,932 --> 00:48:17,402
You may have noticed my uncle,
Jackie Burke, is here.
813
00:48:18,522 --> 00:48:22,572
Some of you may recognize him
as Eddie from Eddie's Home.
814
00:48:24,444 --> 00:48:26,244
Eddie!
815
00:48:27,239 --> 00:48:29,279
But I've known him my whole life.
816
00:48:29,449 --> 00:48:32,539
I still remember him
teaching me dirty jokes as a kid.
817
00:48:32,703 --> 00:48:35,623
Before I could say "Dada,"
I could say "caca."
818
00:48:36,665 --> 00:48:42,705
He taught me the B word, the S word,
the F word. Yeah, all of them.
819
00:48:42,879 --> 00:48:45,839
She already knew the C word.
She picked it up on her own.
820
00:48:46,008 --> 00:48:48,928
But, seriously,
it means so much to me...
821
00:48:49,094 --> 00:48:52,934
...that he's here today
after way too many years.
822
00:48:53,098 --> 00:48:56,888
So please give a warm welcome
to my Uncle Jackie.
823
00:48:57,060 --> 00:48:58,770
Careful up there. We're outnumbered.
824
00:48:58,937 --> 00:49:01,937
To say a few words. Jackie Burke!
825
00:49:04,568 --> 00:49:06,648
- So happy he came.
- Here we go.
826
00:49:08,405 --> 00:49:09,615
Thank you, honey.
827
00:49:09,781 --> 00:49:11,581
You know, it's a--
828
00:49:12,117 --> 00:49:16,247
It's an honor being here to celebrate
Brittany and Frankie's wedding.
829
00:49:16,413 --> 00:49:17,713
Frankie, right? Not Butch?
830
00:49:20,417 --> 00:49:22,747
How long till the divorce?
831
00:49:22,919 --> 00:49:25,709
Same-sex divorce
is the latest thing, you know?
832
00:49:25,881 --> 00:49:29,091
What the fuck is this place anyway?
The Titanic? What is this?
833
00:49:29,259 --> 00:49:31,219
Look at these fucking chandeliers.
834
00:49:31,386 --> 00:49:32,846
Jesus.
835
00:49:33,180 --> 00:49:35,390
These chairs aren't tall enough.
What's this?
836
00:49:37,601 --> 00:49:38,811
And I wanna thank--
837
00:49:38,977 --> 00:49:42,767
Seriously, I wanna thank Flo and Jimmy
for inviting me to this beautiful occasion.
838
00:49:42,939 --> 00:49:44,979
- Yeah. Thanks for coming.
- Really is.
839
00:49:45,150 --> 00:49:47,360
And all the other family members...
840
00:49:47,527 --> 00:49:49,527
...many of whom I thought were dead.
841
00:49:49,696 --> 00:49:52,906
Most of whom I hoped were dead.
842
00:49:53,075 --> 00:49:55,905
Oh, boy. Nobody can fuck you up
like family. That's for sure.
843
00:49:56,078 --> 00:49:57,788
- We're in trouble.
- He knows.
844
00:49:57,954 --> 00:50:01,214
You know, I had a troubled childhood.
845
00:50:01,375 --> 00:50:04,335
My father molested my brother.
Jimmy, I'm just telling one little story.
846
00:50:04,503 --> 00:50:05,843
- Here we go.
- Not good.
847
00:50:06,004 --> 00:50:09,554
My father molested my little brother,
and the bastard never even touched me.
848
00:50:09,716 --> 00:50:11,296
Never even looked at me.
849
00:50:11,468 --> 00:50:14,888
Do you know what it's like
growing up feeling unwanted?
850
00:50:15,055 --> 00:50:18,555
Knowing that your father doesn't
find you attractive enough to fondle?
851
00:50:20,268 --> 00:50:21,898
I mean, was it so terrible--?
852
00:50:22,062 --> 00:50:25,862
Would it have been so terrible
if he just played with my dick a little?
853
00:50:26,024 --> 00:50:28,744
Just stroked it? You know,
wiggled it a little? Something.
854
00:50:28,902 --> 00:50:32,492
He didn't do anything. I felt terrible.
I was so rejected. Anyway....
855
00:50:32,656 --> 00:50:35,776
I know we're supposed to pretend
there's nothing wrong or unusual...
856
00:50:35,951 --> 00:50:39,661
...about this event tonight, just another
middle-class Jewish wedding. Right?
857
00:50:39,830 --> 00:50:41,420
No. Wrong.
858
00:50:41,581 --> 00:50:45,341
So can I address
the 800-pound gorilla in the room?
859
00:50:45,502 --> 00:50:46,632
And that would be...
860
00:50:48,130 --> 00:50:49,170
...Flo.
861
00:50:50,632 --> 00:50:52,842
Flo, how did you let this happen?
862
00:50:53,009 --> 00:50:56,139
Can't be Jimmy's fault. What have
you done to my poor little brother?
863
00:50:56,304 --> 00:51:00,144
He was 6 feet tall when you got married.
864
00:51:00,308 --> 00:51:02,388
Oh, and now Brittany. Oh, no.
865
00:51:02,561 --> 00:51:04,601
You were so concerned
about her growing up...
866
00:51:04,771 --> 00:51:08,321
...to be a Jewish American princess,
you didn't even notice...
867
00:51:08,483 --> 00:51:11,863
...that she was turning out
to be a Jewish American prince.
868
00:51:16,908 --> 00:51:19,908
- The shame that she brought all of us...
- Will you stop this?
869
00:51:20,078 --> 00:51:22,368
...by marrying a non-Jew.
870
00:51:22,539 --> 00:51:25,379
- Well, that's me.
- What did you do, Flo?
871
00:51:25,876 --> 00:51:27,496
God have mercy on you.
872
00:51:29,087 --> 00:51:31,717
I'm gonna fucking kill you
when we get home.
873
00:51:31,882 --> 00:51:34,762
I have my own special gift
to present to the newlyweds.
874
00:51:34,926 --> 00:51:36,636
I've been doing volunteer work...
875
00:51:36,803 --> 00:51:40,103
...down at the mission, for the homeless.
876
00:51:40,265 --> 00:51:42,305
They don't like
to be called "bums" anymore.
877
00:51:42,476 --> 00:51:44,936
And they were so moved
when I told them about...
878
00:51:45,103 --> 00:51:47,733
...Brittany and Frankie's
reproductive challenges...
879
00:51:47,898 --> 00:51:49,518
...that they all wanted to help.
880
00:51:49,691 --> 00:51:51,611
So they all got together, each one...
881
00:51:51,777 --> 00:51:54,647
...and they all contributed
to making a very significant...
882
00:51:54,821 --> 00:51:58,031
...a very thoughtful, a very useful gift:
883
00:51:58,200 --> 00:51:59,490
a pint of semen.
884
00:52:02,954 --> 00:52:06,084
- Thanks, boys. Give them a hand.
- Disgusting.
885
00:52:06,249 --> 00:52:07,789
They've worn theirs out.
886
00:52:09,586 --> 00:52:10,836
Oh, my gosh.
887
00:52:11,838 --> 00:52:13,468
James, stop this.
888
00:52:13,632 --> 00:52:16,892
Uncle Jackie would've added
a dash and a splash of his own...
889
00:52:17,302 --> 00:52:22,852
...but that would be incest, and incest,
you know, is even worse than being gay.
890
00:52:25,185 --> 00:52:26,765
Boos, really?
891
00:52:26,937 --> 00:52:28,357
Flo likes it.
892
00:52:28,522 --> 00:52:31,652
Apparently, Brittany and I share
the same weakness...
893
00:52:31,817 --> 00:52:34,737
...for wanting
to bang beautiful young women.
894
00:52:34,903 --> 00:52:39,623
And yet she turned out to be so normal
and I turned out to be so fucked up.
895
00:52:39,783 --> 00:52:41,873
- How did that happen?
- You got that right.
896
00:52:42,035 --> 00:52:44,535
I don't know. Maybe it's because...
897
00:52:48,041 --> 00:52:51,001
...I never met a woman like Frankie,
and maybe it's because...
898
00:52:51,169 --> 00:52:55,379
...I never found a love and happiness...
899
00:52:55,549 --> 00:52:58,129
...that Brittany and Frankie
have found with each other.
900
00:52:58,426 --> 00:52:59,796
Mm....
901
00:53:09,187 --> 00:53:10,477
Mazel tov.
902
00:53:14,317 --> 00:53:15,527
Whoo!
903
00:53:20,282 --> 00:53:23,412
Come on. Let's make a run for it
before they lynch us.
904
00:53:24,744 --> 00:53:27,004
- I've never seen anything like that.
- Me neither.
905
00:53:27,163 --> 00:53:29,503
You just can't help yourself, can you?
906
00:53:29,666 --> 00:53:31,706
This low-life motherfucking brother
of yours.
907
00:53:31,877 --> 00:53:34,957
Takes a dump at our kid's wedding,
and that's all you're gonna say?
908
00:53:35,130 --> 00:53:38,760
What do you want me to say? We let
him up there. You know what he does.
909
00:53:38,925 --> 00:53:44,635
Brittany asked him to be Jackie Burke,
so I don't know why you're yelling at him.
910
00:53:44,806 --> 00:53:46,556
Who the fuck are you
to talk to me like that?
911
00:53:46,725 --> 00:53:48,345
- Flo--
- Who invited you...
912
00:53:48,518 --> 00:53:50,518
...with your no-underwear dress?
913
00:53:50,687 --> 00:53:52,057
- This is not--
- Go. Please.
914
00:53:52,230 --> 00:53:53,650
What the fuck is your problem?
915
00:53:53,815 --> 00:53:55,435
I don't have a problem.
916
00:53:55,609 --> 00:53:59,609
Don't yell at me. Don't comment on
my dress. Look at your fucking dress.
917
00:53:59,779 --> 00:54:01,619
- My dress is beautiful.
- It's time to cut the cake.
918
00:54:01,781 --> 00:54:03,161
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you back.
919
00:54:03,325 --> 00:54:05,945
Fuck you back. Fuck you back.
920
00:54:06,119 --> 00:54:08,329
It's time to cut the cake.
921
00:54:08,496 --> 00:54:11,626
- It's time to cut the cake.
- You're lucky I don't get my brothers...
922
00:54:11,791 --> 00:54:15,921
...to cut your nut sack off
before you hit the tunnel!
923
00:54:16,087 --> 00:54:19,007
- What's the problem? The kids loved it.
- Come on. Let me at him.
924
00:54:19,174 --> 00:54:21,644
- Come on. Let me at him.
- Stupid bitch!
925
00:54:22,552 --> 00:54:24,642
- You're the mother--
- Oh, shut up!
926
00:54:24,804 --> 00:54:27,774
- Let me go.
- I'll see you again, in hell, motherfucker!
927
00:54:27,933 --> 00:54:31,063
- You are a beast!
- Okay. Just calm down.
928
00:54:31,645 --> 00:54:36,105
"You're lucky my brothers don't cut your
nut sack off before you get to the tunnel."
929
00:54:36,274 --> 00:54:37,904
- Ha-ha-ha.
- She's a nut case.
930
00:54:38,068 --> 00:54:40,108
She's amazing. I love her.
931
00:54:40,278 --> 00:54:43,238
That's what I get for doing
something nice for my brother's kid.
932
00:54:43,406 --> 00:54:44,816
- That was so much fun.
- Family.
933
00:54:44,991 --> 00:54:46,581
Tomorrow night's your turn.
934
00:55:05,762 --> 00:55:07,262
- Hi.
- Hi.
935
00:55:07,430 --> 00:55:10,310
- Thanks for doing this.
- No problem.
936
00:55:10,475 --> 00:55:12,385
- Hmm.
- You okay?
937
00:55:13,353 --> 00:55:15,153
You look beautiful.
938
00:55:15,647 --> 00:55:17,147
You know this joint's famous.
939
00:55:17,315 --> 00:55:20,775
Back in '85, Big Paulie Castellano
got whacked right here on this sidewalk.
940
00:55:20,944 --> 00:55:21,954
Yeah.
941
00:55:22,112 --> 00:55:23,742
- Paulie was a friend of my dad's.
- Uh-oh.
942
00:55:23,905 --> 00:55:25,815
I'm taking you with me.
943
00:55:28,618 --> 00:55:29,998
Hi.
944
00:55:31,162 --> 00:55:32,372
That's him right there.
945
00:55:32,539 --> 00:55:34,459
Oh, you're with Mr. Schiltz.
946
00:55:45,719 --> 00:55:47,429
- Whoa.
- Heh.
947
00:55:47,595 --> 00:55:50,265
Oh, my God, are you kidding me?
Is this who I think it is?
948
00:55:50,432 --> 00:55:51,562
Is it Eddie?
949
00:55:51,725 --> 00:55:54,095
I think it's Eddie, but it's Jackie.
950
00:55:54,269 --> 00:55:57,059
It's Eddie. My baby.
951
00:55:57,230 --> 00:56:01,820
Boy, you did it this time.
What a birthday surprise.
952
00:56:01,985 --> 00:56:03,895
"Arlene."
953
00:56:04,112 --> 00:56:06,072
- Oh. Ha-ha-ha.
- Thank you.
954
00:56:06,239 --> 00:56:09,949
Thank you, Eddie, for all
the countless laughs. Thank you.
955
00:56:10,118 --> 00:56:13,708
Happy birthday. And I just wanna--
It's Jackie, by the way.
956
00:56:15,373 --> 00:56:17,673
I've enjoyed you so much.
957
00:56:17,834 --> 00:56:19,754
Look at that punim. Look at it.
958
00:56:21,838 --> 00:56:23,838
In fact, so much, I can do you.
959
00:56:24,007 --> 00:56:25,217
- I can.
- You can?
960
00:56:25,383 --> 00:56:26,593
- Did she tell you?
- No. No.
961
00:56:26,760 --> 00:56:27,970
Yeah. He can do you.
962
00:56:28,136 --> 00:56:31,256
I've been doing you in the bathroom
and at parties for decades.
963
00:56:31,431 --> 00:56:33,641
You must have
a better manager than I do.
964
00:56:35,351 --> 00:56:37,101
Sit. Sit.
965
00:56:37,270 --> 00:56:38,900
Sit.
966
00:56:39,064 --> 00:56:44,654
- Gino. Ring the register. Eddie's here.
- Copy that, Mr. Schiltz.
967
00:56:45,445 --> 00:56:47,195
Jesus, I don't believe this.
968
00:56:47,363 --> 00:56:49,623
What a birthday present.
969
00:56:50,241 --> 00:56:52,291
- What are you drinking?
- Chivas on the rocks.
970
00:56:52,452 --> 00:56:55,332
- For you?
- My baby drinks martinis.
971
00:56:55,955 --> 00:56:57,035
Hey.
972
00:56:57,207 --> 00:57:03,047
How about giving us
one big "Arlene, where are you?"
973
00:57:03,213 --> 00:57:04,263
Do it. Come on.
974
00:57:04,422 --> 00:57:05,842
- Dad. No.
- Do I have to?
975
00:57:06,007 --> 00:57:07,297
Yeah. For my birthday.
976
00:57:07,467 --> 00:57:08,677
Come on. Please.
977
00:57:08,843 --> 00:57:11,053
- Come on. I don't wanna do it.
- Come on. Once.
978
00:57:11,221 --> 00:57:12,761
- Dad, don't.
- Huh?
979
00:57:14,057 --> 00:57:19,187
Hey, I don't expect anyone
to work for free.
980
00:57:19,354 --> 00:57:21,484
No, no, no.
No, what are you doing? No.
981
00:57:21,648 --> 00:57:22,818
- What?
- Sorry. No.
982
00:57:22,982 --> 00:57:24,782
- Put it away. Don't do that.
- Put what?
983
00:57:24,943 --> 00:57:28,283
- Sorry.
- No. You misunderstand.
984
00:57:28,446 --> 00:57:30,656
Eddie, I don't mean to embarrass you.
985
00:57:30,824 --> 00:57:34,334
I'll tell you what. Let me do it.
Let me do you. I got you down.
986
00:57:34,494 --> 00:57:36,584
- I'll pay you not to.
- Heh, heh.
987
00:57:36,746 --> 00:57:37,786
That's funny...
988
00:57:37,956 --> 00:57:40,126
...but you don't wanna get into
a pissing contest with me about money.
989
00:57:40,291 --> 00:57:42,841
Come on, let's have some fun.
This is me respecting you.
990
00:57:43,002 --> 00:57:44,672
You're my favorite.
991
00:57:44,838 --> 00:57:46,758
"Arlene..."
992
00:57:46,923 --> 00:57:51,093
- ...whose vibrator, ha, ha, is this?
- Heh.
993
00:57:51,261 --> 00:57:53,681
"Did you take the batteries out
of the smoke alarm again?"
994
00:57:56,891 --> 00:57:58,941
Okay. Show's over.
995
00:57:59,686 --> 00:58:01,096
- Thank you.
- Sure.
996
00:58:01,271 --> 00:58:03,111
Cheers. Happy birthday.
997
00:58:03,273 --> 00:58:05,943
- Happy birthday, Mac.
- Thank you, Eddie.
998
00:58:06,776 --> 00:58:08,316
Jackie.
999
00:58:08,778 --> 00:58:09,898
Mm.
1000
00:58:10,071 --> 00:58:13,161
How was my timing?
Give me some input.
1001
00:58:13,449 --> 00:58:15,989
Whoo. I thought
you were me for a second.
1002
00:58:16,161 --> 00:58:18,371
Try doing it
while drinking a glass of water.
1003
00:58:22,792 --> 00:58:25,962
- Have a drink.
- God, you were great. You were great.
1004
00:58:26,129 --> 00:58:28,209
Drink some more. It'll make it easier.
1005
00:58:31,593 --> 00:58:33,013
So how did you two meet?
1006
00:58:33,720 --> 00:58:37,220
We do our community service together
down at the Apostle Soup Kitchen.
1007
00:58:37,390 --> 00:58:39,100
Oh! Right.
1008
00:58:39,267 --> 00:58:41,387
You don't have
to worry about that anymore.
1009
00:58:41,561 --> 00:58:43,861
I got them to transfer
your hours to Florida.
1010
00:58:44,022 --> 00:58:45,652
I thought we talked about that.
1011
00:58:45,815 --> 00:58:47,475
- Remember, we talked about that.
- Uh-huh.
1012
00:58:47,650 --> 00:58:49,530
Because I'm not sure
if I wanna go back.
1013
00:58:49,694 --> 00:58:51,994
But you don't know
where you wanna go.
1014
00:58:52,155 --> 00:58:54,235
She's always been such a mamzer.
Ahh....
1015
00:58:54,741 --> 00:58:56,661
I'm at the table. I'm still sitting here.
1016
00:58:56,826 --> 00:58:59,246
- Here at the table.
- It's done. I chartered a plane.
1017
00:58:59,412 --> 00:59:00,622
We're leaving tomorrow.
1018
00:59:00,788 --> 00:59:03,288
Noon. Teterboro.
1019
00:59:03,708 --> 00:59:04,998
What's in Florida?
1020
00:59:05,168 --> 00:59:08,628
I own this retirement community in
Delray Beach. We help the elderly...
1021
00:59:08,796 --> 00:59:12,216
- ...to live out their lives with some dignity.
- I'd like to pass through this dinner...
1022
00:59:12,383 --> 00:59:14,183
- ...with some dignity.
- Sha!
1023
00:59:14,844 --> 00:59:17,644
She's great with the old people.
She's got a magic touch.
1024
00:59:18,097 --> 00:59:19,807
Well, she's a wonderful person.
1025
00:59:20,850 --> 00:59:24,980
It's okay, honey. When you come back
from Florida, we'll find our place to live.
1026
00:59:25,146 --> 00:59:26,146
- What?
- What?
1027
00:59:26,314 --> 00:59:27,614
We're moving in together.
1028
00:59:27,774 --> 00:59:30,034
Is it okay if I call you "Dad"?
1029
00:59:32,862 --> 00:59:35,372
You're a funny man,
but this is my daughter.
1030
00:59:35,531 --> 00:59:37,701
Yeah, I know.
Every daughter has a mother...
1031
00:59:37,867 --> 00:59:40,497
...every mother has a daughter.
The girl that left before...
1032
00:59:40,662 --> 00:59:43,212
...probably has a grandmother
or a grandfather.
1033
00:59:43,373 --> 00:59:45,043
Harmony's my daughter.
1034
00:59:45,208 --> 00:59:47,668
She's not the punch line
for somebody's jokes.
1035
00:59:47,835 --> 00:59:50,955
And when you look at my daughter
and the way she's looking at you--
1036
00:59:51,130 --> 00:59:52,880
I'm not. What are you talking about?
1037
00:59:53,049 --> 00:59:54,759
I wanna know your expectations.
1038
00:59:54,926 --> 00:59:56,926
- My expectations?
- Expectations.
1039
00:59:57,095 --> 00:59:58,595
Yeah.
1040
00:59:59,097 --> 01:00:01,557
To fuck her brains out.
After that, we'll see.
1041
01:00:08,606 --> 01:00:10,476
Mm.
1042
01:00:12,485 --> 01:00:13,775
You know...
1043
01:00:13,945 --> 01:00:15,695
...I'm a sucker for an honest man.
1044
01:00:15,863 --> 01:00:18,833
And I'm a sucker for a girl
that has daddy issues.
1045
01:00:18,992 --> 01:00:22,162
Okay. So you go to the bar,
and I'll meet you there in a minute.
1046
01:00:22,328 --> 01:00:25,368
Sure. It's been a terrific crowd.
Nice to meet you, Pops.
1047
01:00:25,540 --> 01:00:27,420
Happy birthday.
1048
01:00:29,460 --> 01:00:32,260
Don't tell me you're interested
in that schmuck.
1049
01:00:32,422 --> 01:00:37,012
Okay. If you had listened at all
and shut your mouth for one second...
1050
01:00:37,176 --> 01:00:39,796
...you would know
that I wasn't interested in him at all.
1051
01:00:39,971 --> 01:00:41,601
But you don't ever shut up.
1052
01:00:41,764 --> 01:00:43,774
You don't ever shut up.
You're unbelievable.
1053
01:00:43,933 --> 01:00:46,193
- Where are you going?
- Unbelievable. I'm leaving.
1054
01:00:46,352 --> 01:00:47,692
Wait a second. Wait a second.
1055
01:00:47,854 --> 01:00:49,694
- He's an asshole. Let him go.
- You are.
1056
01:00:49,856 --> 01:00:50,896
I'll take care of him.
1057
01:00:51,065 --> 01:00:53,395
You're not gonna take care of him. No.
1058
01:00:53,568 --> 01:00:54,858
You're being the asshole.
1059
01:00:55,028 --> 01:00:57,448
Don't embarrass me like that
in front of people.
1060
01:00:57,613 --> 01:00:59,453
- That's humiliating.
- I humiliated you?
1061
01:00:59,615 --> 01:01:02,115
That was humiliating.
Don't talk about me like that...
1062
01:01:02,285 --> 01:01:05,155
- ...in front of people. I have self-respect.
- Where's your self-respect?
1063
01:01:05,330 --> 01:01:06,580
- I am not doing this...
- Go.
1064
01:01:06,748 --> 01:01:09,578
...in a restaurant with you.
I'll see you at Teterboro.
1065
01:01:09,751 --> 01:01:11,591
Happy birthday.
1066
01:01:13,504 --> 01:01:16,384
Come on. I need about 10 drinks.
1067
01:01:26,100 --> 01:01:28,440
- Arlene.
- Ha-ha-ha.
1068
01:01:28,644 --> 01:01:30,154
Arlene.
1069
01:01:30,313 --> 01:01:31,863
- That was good.
- Was that good?
1070
01:01:32,023 --> 01:01:33,483
That was good. Very good.
1071
01:01:33,649 --> 01:01:38,609
You should've seen the look on
your face when Mac said, "Arlene-- Arl--"
1072
01:01:38,780 --> 01:01:40,320
Wait. Wait.
1073
01:01:40,490 --> 01:01:42,120
- Wait. What?
- Arlene.
1074
01:01:43,993 --> 01:01:45,833
Welcome.
1075
01:01:45,995 --> 01:01:46,995
Wow.
1076
01:01:47,163 --> 01:01:49,003
This is nice.
1077
01:01:49,165 --> 01:01:51,875
If you don't get murdered on the street
before you get in.
1078
01:01:52,043 --> 01:01:54,553
They're artists. Not murderers.
1079
01:01:54,712 --> 01:01:56,552
- You want some bourbon?
- Sure. Sure.
1080
01:01:56,714 --> 01:01:58,554
I think these artists got guns.
1081
01:01:58,716 --> 01:01:59,926
Sure you wanna leave?
1082
01:02:00,093 --> 01:02:02,053
I have to. I'm on parole.
1083
01:02:02,220 --> 01:02:04,470
I can't fight my dad
and his expensive lawyer.
1084
01:02:04,639 --> 01:02:06,179
I don't have that kind of money.
1085
01:02:06,349 --> 01:02:07,889
I'm moving to the Sunshine State.
1086
01:02:08,059 --> 01:02:09,849
- You want some?
- Make it a double.
1087
01:02:10,019 --> 01:02:13,149
I'm gonna be up all night
packing all this stuff.
1088
01:02:13,314 --> 01:02:16,234
Why pack now? Relax. Here.
1089
01:02:16,818 --> 01:02:18,188
Cheers.
1090
01:02:22,365 --> 01:02:24,445
I mean, I think Florida will be good.
1091
01:02:24,617 --> 01:02:27,077
I love working with the elderly people.
1092
01:02:27,245 --> 01:02:29,155
They like me, and I'm good at it.
1093
01:02:29,330 --> 01:02:32,040
And it seems
like Florida has a lot to offer.
1094
01:02:32,208 --> 01:02:35,628
- Yeah. Like what? Besides skin cancer.
- Ha, ha, ha.
1095
01:02:36,879 --> 01:02:38,259
You know what I loved?
1096
01:02:39,507 --> 01:02:42,547
I loved that you pissed off Mac tonight.
That was great.
1097
01:02:42,718 --> 01:02:45,298
He's a difficult person.
I can see that. I mean--
1098
01:02:45,471 --> 01:02:48,061
But you gotta tell him back.
You gotta talk back to him.
1099
01:02:48,224 --> 01:02:49,934
- Talk back to him?
- Yeah. Talk back.
1100
01:02:50,101 --> 01:02:51,231
- And say?
- You gotta say:
1101
01:02:51,394 --> 01:02:55,154
"Dad, don't talk to me that way.
Stop this. Stop being crazy."
1102
01:02:55,314 --> 01:02:56,364
Yeah. Right.
1103
01:02:56,524 --> 01:02:58,284
- He'll listen and respect you.
- No, he won't.
1104
01:02:58,443 --> 01:03:00,033
He might be upset,
but he'll respect you.
1105
01:03:00,194 --> 01:03:04,244
Ha-ha-ha. Can you imagine?
Yeah. He's a good listener.
1106
01:03:04,657 --> 01:03:05,867
And your mother?
1107
01:03:06,701 --> 01:03:08,951
My mother, she-- My mother--
1108
01:03:09,120 --> 01:03:10,830
Ahem. This is a true story.
1109
01:03:10,997 --> 01:03:12,707
My mother...
1110
01:03:12,874 --> 01:03:16,004
...when I was 4, went to the market...
1111
01:03:16,169 --> 01:03:18,339
...and then she never came home.
1112
01:03:18,504 --> 01:03:21,264
- Really, she never came home?
- Never came home.
1113
01:03:21,424 --> 01:03:25,604
And Mac never explained
what happened.
1114
01:03:25,761 --> 01:03:28,931
I don't-- Why would she do that?
1115
01:03:29,098 --> 01:03:30,928
You were 4 years old.
1116
01:03:31,100 --> 01:03:33,020
And, you know, it wasn't your fault.
1117
01:03:33,186 --> 01:03:35,346
- Yeah.
- Well, she was married to your father.
1118
01:03:35,521 --> 01:03:38,941
I mean, I met the guy for 15, 20 minutes,
and I wanted to leave.
1119
01:03:39,108 --> 01:03:41,608
You think that's why
she didn't come back?
1120
01:03:41,777 --> 01:03:43,237
- Well, I know that's why.
- Maybe.
1121
01:03:43,404 --> 01:03:47,874
I mean, your father's a prick,
but at the same time, your father's there.
1122
01:03:48,034 --> 01:03:49,544
You know, I--
1123
01:03:49,702 --> 01:03:51,252
In....
1124
01:03:53,039 --> 01:03:54,959
When I was...
1125
01:03:55,625 --> 01:03:57,625
...a lot younger, I was...
1126
01:03:57,793 --> 01:04:00,553
...not around a lot,
and I wasn't there for my son.
1127
01:04:00,713 --> 01:04:02,923
- You had a son?
- Yeah.
1128
01:04:03,299 --> 01:04:07,679
Well, I had one son, and he died.
He passed away.
1129
01:04:10,473 --> 01:04:12,063
I'm sorry.
1130
01:04:12,225 --> 01:04:13,765
Yeah.
1131
01:04:14,310 --> 01:04:15,810
It was an overdose.
1132
01:04:17,146 --> 01:04:20,266
His mother and I weren't there for him.
It was a toxic relationship.
1133
01:04:20,441 --> 01:04:21,821
I was always on the road.
1134
01:04:21,984 --> 01:04:25,324
Probably avoiding the whole situation.
I was young. I was stupid.
1135
01:04:25,488 --> 01:04:29,328
I can't give an excuse. I have no reason
to say anything except that I was wrong.
1136
01:04:29,492 --> 01:04:32,912
And I didn't accept the responsibility.
I didn't do what I should've done.
1137
01:04:33,079 --> 01:04:35,499
You know? And what do I do?
I make jokes about it.
1138
01:04:35,665 --> 01:04:40,085
I'm a comedian. I make a joke
about horrible "mother-wife" jokes.
1139
01:04:40,253 --> 01:04:41,713
How do you--? What do you mean?
1140
01:04:41,879 --> 01:04:43,509
Well, I tell these fucking jokes.
1141
01:04:43,673 --> 01:04:46,683
You know, these horrible
my-wife-is-a-bitch jokes.
1142
01:04:46,842 --> 01:04:49,722
- What's a horrible mother and wife?
- No. I don't wanna do it.
1143
01:04:49,887 --> 01:04:52,967
Why not? Why not? Come on.
1144
01:04:53,140 --> 01:04:57,100
Wait. What? Tell me. Here. Come on.
Okay. Stand up.
1145
01:04:58,437 --> 01:05:01,017
Ladies and gentlemen, Jackie Burke.
1146
01:05:01,190 --> 01:05:03,190
- Okay. Go.
- Okay.
1147
01:05:03,359 --> 01:05:04,859
Okay. What do you want me to do?
1148
01:05:05,027 --> 01:05:08,317
- What do you wanna do?
- Well, you know what I wanna do.
1149
01:05:08,489 --> 01:05:10,739
So, what do I have to do
to get what I wanna do?
1150
01:05:12,118 --> 01:05:14,078
I don't know.
It depends how funny you are.
1151
01:05:14,495 --> 01:05:16,705
Ladies and gentlemen...
1152
01:05:16,872 --> 01:05:21,422
...did you hear about the daddy's girl who
had sex with a 67-year-old comedian?
1153
01:05:22,587 --> 01:05:25,547
Are you only 67?
I thought you were 70.
1154
01:05:25,715 --> 01:05:27,375
No. No, but I do wear a diaper.
1155
01:05:27,550 --> 01:05:30,850
- Oh, cute. That's sexy.
- Can you help me change it?
1156
01:05:31,012 --> 01:05:32,682
Ha, ha, ha.
1157
01:05:33,848 --> 01:05:35,598
Mm.
1158
01:05:36,767 --> 01:05:38,727
Come sit down.
1159
01:05:39,145 --> 01:05:40,765
Come here.
1160
01:05:42,398 --> 01:05:45,108
- I got out of that one.
- Ha-ha-ha.
1161
01:05:45,276 --> 01:05:48,236
This is not what I wanna be doing.
Stand-up tonight.
1162
01:05:48,404 --> 01:05:49,914
You're really good.
1163
01:05:50,072 --> 01:05:52,952
You're really funny,
and you're really cute.
1164
01:05:53,784 --> 01:05:56,664
This is just something
I wanna do. Okay?
1165
01:05:56,829 --> 01:05:58,249
It doesn't mean anything.
1166
01:05:58,414 --> 01:06:00,964
It doesn't? Oh.
1167
01:06:01,125 --> 01:06:03,875
Well, then you have to be gentle
because it's my first time.
1168
01:06:05,796 --> 01:06:07,796
And you're not gonna spend the night.
1169
01:06:07,965 --> 01:06:09,005
- I'm not?
- No.
1170
01:06:09,175 --> 01:06:13,005
What am I supposed to do, leave my dick
here and pick it up in the morning?
1171
01:06:13,179 --> 01:06:15,349
Hm. Hm....
1172
01:07:28,629 --> 01:07:30,209
Chow mein?
1173
01:07:32,675 --> 01:07:33,875
Fuck you.
1174
01:07:34,051 --> 01:07:36,431
"Fuck you." That's good too.
1175
01:07:41,559 --> 01:07:44,189
- Hold it. Thank you.
- Good afternoon, Friar Crystal.
1176
01:07:44,353 --> 01:07:45,943
- Good to see you.
- Nice to see you.
1177
01:07:46,105 --> 01:07:47,515
- Jackie. You're out.
- Billy.
1178
01:07:47,690 --> 01:07:49,940
- I'm out.
- Yeah. Good.
1179
01:07:50,109 --> 01:07:52,949
Oh, uh....
1180
01:07:53,112 --> 01:07:55,362
Must've been strange, huh?
1181
01:07:56,031 --> 01:07:58,371
- Interesting.
- Yeah.
1182
01:07:59,660 --> 01:08:02,250
Maximum security, I'm guessing.
1183
01:08:02,413 --> 01:08:03,913
- Yeah.
- Really?
1184
01:08:04,081 --> 01:08:05,541
Kind of.
1185
01:08:05,708 --> 01:08:07,458
- Wow.
- Yeah.
1186
01:08:07,668 --> 01:08:09,248
Roommate?
1187
01:08:10,796 --> 01:08:12,006
Yeah.
1188
01:08:12,173 --> 01:08:13,633
- You're blushing.
- I found love.
1189
01:08:15,593 --> 01:08:17,513
He's a lucky guy.
1190
01:08:17,678 --> 01:08:20,008
All that rain must be tough
on your ankle bracelet, huh?
1191
01:08:21,390 --> 01:08:23,350
I'm just kidding. I'm glad you're out.
1192
01:08:23,517 --> 01:08:25,597
I'm glad you're doing okay.
1193
01:08:29,482 --> 01:08:32,072
- Take care of yourself. Yeah.
- You too.
1194
01:08:32,234 --> 01:08:33,324
- Yeah.
- Work that jab.
1195
01:08:33,486 --> 01:08:34,646
Yeah. Right, asshole.
1196
01:08:38,240 --> 01:08:39,910
What a schmuck.
1197
01:08:48,959 --> 01:08:50,589
Hey, look who's here.
1198
01:08:50,753 --> 01:08:52,383
Hey.
1199
01:08:52,546 --> 01:08:54,966
Hey, look who it is. It's Jackie boy.
1200
01:08:55,132 --> 01:08:56,342
- Jackie.
- It's the man.
1201
01:08:56,509 --> 01:08:57,679
Gentlemen.
1202
01:08:57,843 --> 01:09:00,513
- You still funny?
- No. I'm doing your jokes now, Dick.
1203
01:09:00,679 --> 01:09:03,769
I heard you're having a rough time.
Anything we can do, we're here.
1204
01:09:03,933 --> 01:09:07,983
I appreciate that, D'Angelo.
Sure, if I need syphilis, I'll let you know.
1205
01:09:09,396 --> 01:09:13,026
- We still holding a grudge?
- No. Are you still doing my jokes, Dick?
1206
01:09:13,192 --> 01:09:15,152
- Only the good bits.
- Good.
1207
01:09:15,319 --> 01:09:17,659
- Because I'm still doing your ex-wife.
- Ha-ha-ha.
1208
01:09:17,822 --> 01:09:19,912
Aw, some things never change.
1209
01:09:20,741 --> 01:09:23,871
Chivas on the rocks,
drop of water for Mr. Burke, please.
1210
01:09:24,870 --> 01:09:26,870
I thought I fired you.
1211
01:09:27,039 --> 01:09:28,499
I've got a possible gig.
1212
01:09:28,666 --> 01:09:32,706
Great. What do I have to do, dress up
as Eddie for a children's birthday party?
1213
01:09:33,254 --> 01:09:35,924
Do you want a job,
or do you want to be asshole?
1214
01:09:36,590 --> 01:09:37,800
Do I have to choose?
1215
01:09:38,676 --> 01:09:41,716
So I'm the treasurer here.
We had a big meeting last night.
1216
01:09:41,887 --> 01:09:44,717
We're having a tribute
for May Conner February 1st.
1217
01:09:44,890 --> 01:09:46,730
It's gonna be a big event. TV special.
1218
01:09:46,892 --> 01:09:49,272
Network thinks
they're gonna pull 7 million viewers.
1219
01:09:49,436 --> 01:09:50,896
May Conner.
1220
01:09:51,063 --> 01:09:52,483
Love her.
1221
01:09:52,648 --> 01:09:56,108
So D'Angelo is responsible for the
programming. He's calling all the shots.
1222
01:09:56,277 --> 01:09:59,407
And as of right now, it's overbooked.
1223
01:10:02,241 --> 01:10:05,081
- Is Billy doing it?
- He's not available.
1224
01:10:05,244 --> 01:10:06,834
We're hoping that changes.
1225
01:10:06,996 --> 01:10:09,206
And if that changes,
it's not overbooked for him.
1226
01:10:09,373 --> 01:10:11,133
No. Billy Crystal is royalty.
1227
01:10:11,292 --> 01:10:13,342
You are not even a member anymore,
Jackie.
1228
01:10:13,502 --> 01:10:16,842
You can't show up every once in a while
and expect to be on the dais.
1229
01:10:17,006 --> 01:10:19,506
Okay? You have got to rejoin.
1230
01:10:20,509 --> 01:10:22,549
Kiss the ring, please. Just this once.
1231
01:10:25,222 --> 01:10:27,642
What a fucking shit world this is.
1232
01:10:27,808 --> 01:10:30,388
Hey, Dick, do you have a minute?
1233
01:10:30,561 --> 01:10:32,651
Okay. Okay.
1234
01:10:33,522 --> 01:10:36,822
Listen, I want a good spot on the rotation.
I don't wanna go after him.
1235
01:10:36,984 --> 01:10:38,864
This fuck will steal every joke I have.
1236
01:10:39,028 --> 01:10:40,908
You want a spot on May's tribute?
1237
01:10:41,864 --> 01:10:43,164
Yeah. Miller mentioned it.
1238
01:10:43,324 --> 01:10:45,624
Actually, I'd be honored to do it.
1239
01:10:47,745 --> 01:10:49,995
She's a barely-living legend.
1240
01:10:51,332 --> 01:10:55,672
Funny. Well, I'm not saying for sure
it's overbooked now, but, uh...
1241
01:10:55,836 --> 01:10:57,876
...anything is possible.
1242
01:11:00,674 --> 01:11:03,144
Pretty please, Dick?
1243
01:11:03,677 --> 01:11:06,557
Miller told me you're thinking
about rejoining. If you did...
1244
01:11:06,722 --> 01:11:10,562
...that would go a long way, but since I'm
also head of the membership committee...
1245
01:11:10,726 --> 01:11:13,146
...I need to ask you a serious question.
1246
01:11:13,687 --> 01:11:15,727
Is your parole officer
joining the club with you?
1247
01:11:15,898 --> 01:11:19,028
Because I can get you
a couple's membership.
1248
01:11:19,693 --> 01:11:22,073
- Funny.
- Ha, ha, ha!
1249
01:11:24,365 --> 01:11:27,115
You did good.
That wasn't so bad now, was it?
1250
01:11:27,284 --> 01:11:29,584
I need a power wash.
1251
01:11:54,937 --> 01:11:57,767
Hi, it's Harmony. Leave a message.
1252
01:11:57,940 --> 01:12:00,230
Hey, Harmony, how are you? It's me.
1253
01:12:00,401 --> 01:12:02,611
Everything okay?
I haven't heard from you.
1254
01:12:02,778 --> 01:12:04,858
The boys at the mission
are asking about you.
1255
01:12:05,030 --> 01:12:08,450
Tell Mac I said, "Arlene."
1256
01:12:08,617 --> 01:12:10,657
Okay. Get back to me.
1257
01:12:18,502 --> 01:12:20,962
Ms. Conner,
how many husbands did you really have?
1258
01:12:21,130 --> 01:12:24,800
Husbands? I can't remember.
Were there five of them or seven?
1259
01:12:26,218 --> 01:12:29,388
Okay, everybody,
we're gonna take five. Thank you.
1260
01:12:29,555 --> 01:12:32,555
Can we take a break with the pictures?
I need a martini.
1261
01:12:32,725 --> 01:12:34,225
May.
1262
01:12:34,810 --> 01:12:36,230
Jackie Burke.
1263
01:12:36,895 --> 01:12:39,305
- Hey, kid.
- How you doing?
1264
01:12:39,898 --> 01:12:42,318
What an honor it is
to be ripping you a new one...
1265
01:12:42,484 --> 01:12:44,784
...in the name of such a worthy cause.
1266
01:12:47,114 --> 01:12:50,084
- You mind if I smoke?
- I don't care if you burn.
1267
01:12:50,242 --> 01:12:52,162
I always loved that line.
1268
01:12:52,327 --> 01:12:54,707
- I loved Gleason.
- Oh, Gleason loved me.
1269
01:12:54,872 --> 01:12:57,832
- He loved my tits.
- Oh. We all loved your tits.
1270
01:12:58,584 --> 01:13:01,504
May, I don't think you can smoke inside.
1271
01:13:01,670 --> 01:13:06,510
I'm 95. If I wanna smoke or piss
on the sidewalk or say the N word...
1272
01:13:06,675 --> 01:13:08,135
...I'm fucking gonna do it.
1273
01:13:08,302 --> 01:13:09,342
- Eh.
- Eh.
1274
01:13:09,511 --> 01:13:13,101
The world today, heh, heh,
so goddamn serious about everything.
1275
01:13:13,265 --> 01:13:14,675
Exactly. Exactly.
1276
01:13:14,850 --> 01:13:17,270
I'm going to the bar. Okay?
What do you want?
1277
01:13:17,436 --> 01:13:19,056
Martini, one olive, like always?
1278
01:13:19,229 --> 01:13:21,729
God bless you.
1279
01:13:21,899 --> 01:13:23,569
Okay.
1280
01:13:25,527 --> 01:13:27,527
Who was that?
1281
01:13:27,696 --> 01:13:31,526
All right, everyone.
Let's salute our honored guest.
1282
01:13:42,544 --> 01:13:44,554
May? May, listen to me, okay?
1283
01:13:44,713 --> 01:13:46,133
I'm your friend. Okay?
1284
01:13:46,799 --> 01:13:51,009
It's over. You're finished. Finito.
Your movies are on the History channel.
1285
01:13:51,178 --> 01:13:53,058
And your movies?
1286
01:13:53,222 --> 01:13:56,102
What movies? You aren't in any movies.
1287
01:13:57,518 --> 01:13:58,938
You tell him, May!
1288
01:13:59,103 --> 01:14:01,483
- All joking aside--
- What jokes?
1289
01:14:03,148 --> 01:14:05,398
- She told you, Dick.
- Go get them, May.
1290
01:14:05,567 --> 01:14:09,107
You, truly, are one of the greatest talents
in this business. What can I say?
1291
01:14:09,279 --> 01:14:11,119
You're a barely-living legend.
1292
01:14:13,575 --> 01:14:16,865
I mean-- I mean, quite honestly,
I'm amazed you're still sitting up.
1293
01:14:17,746 --> 01:14:20,166
Okay. That's enough, Dick.
1294
01:14:20,332 --> 01:14:21,542
Wake up, people.
1295
01:14:21,708 --> 01:14:24,918
The "whatever-happened-to" portion
of the evening is officially over.
1296
01:14:25,087 --> 01:14:26,417
- Go back to sleep.
- Go to hell.
1297
01:14:26,588 --> 01:14:28,338
Or do you need
your parole officer's permission?
1298
01:14:28,507 --> 01:14:29,547
"Parole officer" this.
1299
01:14:29,716 --> 01:14:31,636
Come on, get the fuck out of here.
1300
01:14:32,678 --> 01:14:35,598
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome back to the Friars Club...
1301
01:14:35,764 --> 01:14:41,814
...Jackie Burke, also known as Eddie,
also known as prisoner 9-4-2-8-2-8.
1302
01:14:41,979 --> 01:14:44,399
Jailbird!
1303
01:14:44,565 --> 01:14:47,985
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I did a little time.
1304
01:14:48,569 --> 01:14:51,109
But my 30 days is nothing
compared to the hard time...
1305
01:14:51,280 --> 01:14:54,030
...you just served listening
to this guy, D'Angelo.
1306
01:14:54,199 --> 01:14:55,909
Give him a hand.
1307
01:14:56,368 --> 01:14:59,368
- Now let's get to the main event.
- Looking great, May!
1308
01:14:59,538 --> 01:15:01,458
- May...
- Yeah, May.
1309
01:15:01,623 --> 01:15:03,543
...oh, May.
1310
01:15:04,710 --> 01:15:07,670
We've heard a lot about
your many accomplishments tonight...
1311
01:15:07,838 --> 01:15:11,338
...but no one's really talked about
how tough it was for you starting out.
1312
01:15:11,508 --> 01:15:12,798
It was tough.
1313
01:15:12,968 --> 01:15:16,048
It was tough. You tell me about it.
I know how tough it was.
1314
01:15:16,221 --> 01:15:18,431
- Well, tell me about it.
- All right.
1315
01:15:18,599 --> 01:15:21,729
Today, you can get by
just by blowing the director.
1316
01:15:21,894 --> 01:15:23,104
I love you, May!
1317
01:15:26,732 --> 01:15:30,112
But, God, when I think
of the things that you had to do.
1318
01:15:30,277 --> 01:15:32,647
- I did.
- But whatever you did worked...
1319
01:15:32,821 --> 01:15:35,451
...because you played
some of the most iconic...
1320
01:15:35,616 --> 01:15:37,116
...roles in the history of film.
1321
01:15:37,618 --> 01:15:39,578
And I, Jackie Burke...
1322
01:15:39,995 --> 01:15:41,535
...was with you all the way.
1323
01:15:46,919 --> 01:15:51,169
When you played the title role
in The Battleship Potemkin...
1324
01:15:51,340 --> 01:15:55,590
...I was one of the sailors you took on.
1325
01:15:55,761 --> 01:15:59,931
Remember me?
I came in your porthole.
1326
01:16:01,850 --> 01:16:04,140
Then we were reunited.
1327
01:16:04,311 --> 01:16:06,401
Who could ever forget
when we were together...
1328
01:16:06,563 --> 01:16:09,573
...in the original Poseidon Adventure?
You as the Poseidon.
1329
01:16:09,733 --> 01:16:12,243
- Me as the cabin boy.
- You were the cabin boy.
1330
01:16:12,402 --> 01:16:14,662
You know. You remember.
1331
01:16:15,072 --> 01:16:16,662
- Remember my audition?
- Yeah.
1332
01:16:19,409 --> 01:16:21,659
Yes, and you got the part.
1333
01:16:23,747 --> 01:16:26,037
And I went down with the ship.
1334
01:16:27,084 --> 01:16:30,004
Yes, May Conner,
you chewed a lot of scenery...
1335
01:16:30,170 --> 01:16:31,710
- ...in your time.
- I certainly did.
1336
01:16:31,880 --> 01:16:34,170
- And swallowed.
- Whoa!
1337
01:16:37,886 --> 01:16:42,716
May Conner:
star, philanthropist, Oscar winner...
1338
01:16:42,891 --> 01:16:45,311
...and record holder
for fucking more young boys...
1339
01:16:45,477 --> 01:16:47,477
...than the entire
Los Angeles Archdiocese.
1340
01:16:49,606 --> 01:16:51,396
- You are really something.
- Jackie. Stop.
1341
01:16:51,566 --> 01:16:54,856
It's okay, May. It's okay. Don't worry.
D'Angelo's not coming back.
1342
01:16:55,028 --> 01:16:57,818
He's just touching you now,
but he's gonna go away. May?
1343
01:16:57,990 --> 01:17:00,660
Seriously, May? An orgasm now?
1344
01:17:04,454 --> 01:17:05,794
What's happening?
1345
01:17:05,956 --> 01:17:07,916
- Oh, my God.
- Is she all right?
1346
01:17:08,083 --> 01:17:11,003
- May, you okay?
- Uh....
1347
01:17:12,004 --> 01:17:14,094
- Give her some water.
- No, no, no.
1348
01:17:14,256 --> 01:17:15,586
Get a doctor.
1349
01:17:15,757 --> 01:17:17,047
May....
1350
01:17:17,217 --> 01:17:18,837
Somebody do something.
1351
01:17:19,011 --> 01:17:20,851
I'm not sure if this is....
1352
01:17:21,013 --> 01:17:24,433
Is there a doctor in the house?
Seriously. We need a doctor.
1353
01:17:24,599 --> 01:17:25,979
Come up here immediately.
1354
01:17:26,143 --> 01:17:28,733
- Don't block these aisles.
- Call a medic!
1355
01:17:29,730 --> 01:17:30,810
Stay in your places.
1356
01:17:31,857 --> 01:17:34,277
- Somebody....
- Get her back. Get her back.
1357
01:17:34,901 --> 01:17:36,191
Somebody, aspirin.
1358
01:17:36,361 --> 01:17:38,361
- Get some aspirin.
- Get the defibrillator!
1359
01:17:38,530 --> 01:17:39,660
You killed.
1360
01:17:39,823 --> 01:17:42,083
Should someone call 911?
1361
01:17:42,242 --> 01:17:44,492
I didn't get to my best stuff.
1362
01:17:46,121 --> 01:17:50,211
Three-time Oscar winner
and six-time Emmy winner, May Conner...
1363
01:17:50,375 --> 01:17:53,665
...suffered a fatal heart attack on stage
at 11:00 tonight...
1364
01:17:53,837 --> 01:17:55,127
...at the Edison Ballroom.
1365
01:17:55,297 --> 01:17:59,547
The 95-year-old Conner was taken
by ambulance to Mt. Sinai Hospital...
1366
01:17:59,718 --> 01:18:02,008
...where she was pronounced
dead on arrival.
1367
01:18:02,179 --> 01:18:03,969
The legendary actress-comedienne...
1368
01:18:04,139 --> 01:18:06,849
...was the honoree
at tonight's Friars Club Tribute.
1369
01:18:07,017 --> 01:18:09,727
New York One's Jaime Puckett
was there and spoke afterward...
1370
01:18:09,895 --> 01:18:12,395
...with Friars Abbot Dick D'Angelo.
1371
01:18:12,564 --> 01:18:15,654
We lost a great one tonight. I'm, uh...
1372
01:18:17,819 --> 01:18:19,739
...devastated.
1373
01:18:20,238 --> 01:18:23,278
May and I were more than just--
Fans all over the world will be mourning.
1374
01:18:23,450 --> 01:18:26,540
She was, truly,
America's Queen of Comedy.
1375
01:18:26,703 --> 01:18:31,213
Family members requested
that the Friars cancel the broadcast...
1376
01:18:31,375 --> 01:18:32,875
...and, of course, we agreed.
1377
01:18:56,024 --> 01:18:58,904
So nothing in New York.
Nothing in the tristate area.
1378
01:18:59,069 --> 01:19:03,529
We have three offers for appearances.
In Wisconsin is a Democratic fundraiser.
1379
01:19:03,698 --> 01:19:05,278
Wisconsin in February? Next.
1380
01:19:05,450 --> 01:19:09,120
Then a three-day master-comedy class
seminar at SOAS College.
1381
01:19:09,287 --> 01:19:11,287
- What's SOAS College?
- It's in London.
1382
01:19:11,456 --> 01:19:14,286
The last one you're not gonna like,
but it pays the most.
1383
01:19:14,459 --> 01:19:16,459
It's a television-classics
autograph convention...
1384
01:19:16,628 --> 01:19:19,798
- ...in West Palm Beach doing Eddie.
- What are the Democrats paying?
1385
01:19:19,965 --> 01:19:21,335
Three thousand, plus expenses.
1386
01:19:21,508 --> 01:19:25,048
The Republicans would pay a lot more,
but who wants to do it for them?
1387
01:19:25,220 --> 01:19:26,600
So, what about London?
1388
01:19:26,763 --> 01:19:28,603
Five thousand,
but you pay for your ticket.
1389
01:19:28,765 --> 01:19:31,225
- What about Florida?
- Twenty-five thousand, plus expenses.
1390
01:19:32,602 --> 01:19:34,022
I gotta take that.
1391
01:19:34,855 --> 01:19:36,765
- Yeah.
- For you.
1392
01:19:37,691 --> 01:19:40,531
Here's your number seven.
Hold the Russian dressing.
1393
01:19:40,694 --> 01:19:41,864
What are you doing after work?
1394
01:19:42,028 --> 01:19:44,488
- She deserted you?
- No, she's gonna come back.
1395
01:19:44,656 --> 01:19:45,696
Cool it, Casanova.
1396
01:19:45,866 --> 01:19:47,776
Flo, we were joshing.
1397
01:19:47,951 --> 01:19:50,041
- Excuse me?
- All right. I'll get the number seven.
1398
01:19:50,203 --> 01:19:52,213
You got 30 days, I got life.
1399
01:19:52,372 --> 01:19:54,502
Does she know? About the money?
1400
01:19:54,666 --> 01:19:56,286
- Yes.
- Gonna take a while to pay you back.
1401
01:19:56,460 --> 01:20:00,460
No. She knows, and we both agree,
we don't want you to pay us back.
1402
01:20:00,630 --> 01:20:02,470
What does that mean? You can't--
1403
01:20:02,632 --> 01:20:05,642
What it means is I don't have
to do this anymore. You understand?
1404
01:20:05,802 --> 01:20:08,352
I'm through with this.
I'm done with this.
1405
01:20:08,513 --> 01:20:12,683
You don't come back anymore
and ask for anything ever again.
1406
01:20:12,851 --> 01:20:15,191
- What are you so mad about?
- I'm not mad.
1407
01:20:15,353 --> 01:20:18,573
But people
don't change. People never change.
1408
01:20:18,732 --> 01:20:21,322
They are what they are, and that's that.
1409
01:20:21,485 --> 01:20:23,315
What is this?
1410
01:20:24,070 --> 01:20:27,820
You see how it is with her?
Like, you've become a thing.
1411
01:20:27,991 --> 01:20:29,371
Oh, I'm a thing now?
1412
01:20:29,534 --> 01:20:32,044
You're a thing, I can't take it,
I can't do it anymore.
1413
01:20:32,204 --> 01:20:33,714
I can't take the aggravation.
1414
01:20:33,872 --> 01:20:35,922
I don't know what to say.
1415
01:20:36,082 --> 01:20:39,292
I'm so fucking aggravated.
I'm trying to get something going here.
1416
01:20:39,461 --> 01:20:42,381
By the way, I thought you killed
at the wedding. You killed.
1417
01:20:42,547 --> 01:20:44,967
You smashed.
You knocked it out of the park.
1418
01:20:45,133 --> 01:20:47,723
- It was-- I had fun doing it.
- Brittany loved it.
1419
01:20:47,886 --> 01:20:49,176
She was never happier.
1420
01:20:49,346 --> 01:20:50,636
Oh, good. Well, that's good.
1421
01:20:50,805 --> 01:20:52,845
That's what it's all about, for her,
you know?
1422
01:20:53,016 --> 01:20:55,266
If you're ever playing anywhere,
you let me know.
1423
01:20:55,435 --> 01:20:58,055
- I'll come, we'll have a beer.
- Okay. That, I appreciate.
1424
01:20:58,230 --> 01:20:59,770
- Okay?
- Yeah.
1425
01:21:00,232 --> 01:21:01,652
See you.
1426
01:21:01,816 --> 01:21:03,686
I'll call you tomorrow.
1427
01:21:04,861 --> 01:21:06,281
Okay.
1428
01:21:06,446 --> 01:21:09,816
So, what's it gonna be?
Wisconsin, London or Florida?
1429
01:21:53,201 --> 01:21:54,871
Wow, what a beautiful audience.
1430
01:21:55,036 --> 01:21:58,826
I wanna say before we start, I've been
looking forward to this performance...
1431
01:21:58,999 --> 01:22:04,339
...more than any other because being
here with you makes me feel alive.
1432
01:22:07,090 --> 01:22:08,630
Sing along if you know the words.
1433
01:22:14,014 --> 01:22:15,564
Chair.
1434
01:22:51,885 --> 01:22:53,465
What is that?
1435
01:22:53,845 --> 01:22:55,385
Look who's here.
1436
01:22:55,555 --> 01:22:58,805
The laugh-a-minute.
What the fuck are you doing here?
1437
01:22:58,975 --> 01:23:01,685
I just came by to say hello.
1438
01:23:01,853 --> 01:23:04,313
- Passing through.
- Oh, could you say goodbye?
1439
01:23:07,025 --> 01:23:09,485
Uh. Just calm down.
It's okay. I'm just visiting.
1440
01:23:09,653 --> 01:23:12,493
Don't let the door hit you in the ass
on the way out.
1441
01:23:12,656 --> 01:23:14,906
Eddie. Is that you?
1442
01:23:15,659 --> 01:23:18,119
Aren't you Eddie from Eddie's Home?
1443
01:23:18,286 --> 01:23:20,706
I'm such a fan of yours.
1444
01:23:20,872 --> 01:23:23,792
- No. No. It's okay.
- Oh, I love it. I just love you.
1445
01:23:30,840 --> 01:23:31,970
Thank you!
1446
01:23:32,133 --> 01:23:33,803
Oh, thank you so much.
1447
01:23:33,968 --> 01:23:36,298
Thank you so, so much.
1448
01:23:36,471 --> 01:23:39,141
- That was sweet.
- Thank you so, so much.
1449
01:23:39,307 --> 01:23:40,477
Thank you so much.
1450
01:23:40,642 --> 01:23:41,892
- You know...
- Nice.
1451
01:23:42,060 --> 01:23:45,940
...it isn't often enough that we take
the time to hear the stories...
1452
01:23:46,106 --> 01:23:48,316
...and listen to the wisdom of our elders.
1453
01:23:48,483 --> 01:23:51,153
So I wanna come down and get to know
some of you wonderful people.
1454
01:23:51,319 --> 01:23:53,569
Let's start with you, young lady.
What's your name?
1455
01:23:53,738 --> 01:23:55,568
- Adele.
- Hello, Adele.
1456
01:23:55,740 --> 01:23:57,450
Tell us a little about yourself.
1457
01:23:57,659 --> 01:24:01,579
Um, I was a gym teacher for 42 years.
1458
01:24:01,746 --> 01:24:03,746
Oh, my God. I can't believe it.
1459
01:24:03,915 --> 01:24:06,325
- I'm gonna tell everybody.
- You look terrific.
1460
01:24:06,501 --> 01:24:07,841
See him? Eddie.
1461
01:24:08,002 --> 01:24:09,962
- Why are you here?
- What do you mean?
1462
01:24:10,130 --> 01:24:12,970
- What are you doing here?
- I'm here. I just told your father.
1463
01:24:13,133 --> 01:24:16,683
- What, is Alzheimer's contagious?
- Your punch lines for us are over.
1464
01:24:16,845 --> 01:24:18,425
Can you give us a sec?
1465
01:24:18,596 --> 01:24:20,716
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so, so much.
1466
01:24:20,890 --> 01:24:23,350
Let's go over here.
What's your name, miss?
1467
01:24:23,518 --> 01:24:25,558
- Look. Look who's there.
- I am Miriam.
1468
01:24:25,729 --> 01:24:27,979
- Tell us a little about yourself.
- Eddie.
1469
01:24:28,148 --> 01:24:30,358
Well, I was a dancer.
1470
01:24:30,942 --> 01:24:32,532
I was on Broadway once.
1471
01:24:32,777 --> 01:24:34,947
- Eddie.
- Ohh! Broadway star.
1472
01:24:35,113 --> 01:24:36,163
What's new, Esther?
1473
01:24:36,322 --> 01:24:39,122
- I can't believe Eddie's here.
- Right here in our midst.
1474
01:24:39,284 --> 01:24:42,204
- Can I have your autograph?
- Why did you show up without calling?
1475
01:24:42,370 --> 01:24:45,290
Well, I didn't. I called you before
and you never answered me.
1476
01:24:45,457 --> 01:24:49,457
You never got back to me once. I thought
I'd come say hello since I was down here.
1477
01:24:49,627 --> 01:24:51,547
Go out there, big shot. They want you.
1478
01:24:51,713 --> 01:24:53,723
I'm not fucking going out there. You go.
1479
01:24:53,882 --> 01:24:56,512
Come on. You're an entertainer.
Give them what they want.
1480
01:24:56,676 --> 01:25:00,176
- Come on.
- You do it, buddy. You go up and do it.
1481
01:25:00,597 --> 01:25:02,347
Yeah, but you can't just show up here.
1482
01:25:02,515 --> 01:25:05,185
I just came here for business.
A convention.
1483
01:25:05,351 --> 01:25:06,691
You had a convention?
1484
01:25:06,853 --> 01:25:09,273
- I'm going to a convention.
- You're just--
1485
01:25:09,439 --> 01:25:11,019
Well, you should've called...
1486
01:25:11,191 --> 01:25:12,321
- ...and not--
- What's wrong?
1487
01:25:13,151 --> 01:25:15,571
- Nothing's wrong.
- After I left those messages...
1488
01:25:15,737 --> 01:25:17,737
...so many messages,
you didn't call me once.
1489
01:25:17,906 --> 01:25:20,446
- You--
- I texted you, you didn't answer the text.
1490
01:25:20,617 --> 01:25:22,327
No. Really, I've just been so busy.
1491
01:25:22,494 --> 01:25:24,664
Okay. I understand that,
but I'm here now.
1492
01:25:24,829 --> 01:25:27,459
Thought I'd take you to dinner.
How about tomorrow night?
1493
01:25:27,624 --> 01:25:29,964
That's fine.
Just call before you show up like that.
1494
01:25:30,126 --> 01:25:33,166
Okay. Let's have a hand
for Devin O'Connor.
1495
01:25:34,506 --> 01:25:35,626
Thank you.
1496
01:25:35,799 --> 01:25:38,679
- Great performance. Folks...
- Good job, honey. Thank you.
1497
01:25:38,843 --> 01:25:42,013
...I've got a really big surprise
for you now.
1498
01:25:42,180 --> 01:25:44,350
- Just in from New York...
- Oh, no.
1499
01:25:44,516 --> 01:25:48,596
- ...television star and personal friend:
- This guy.
1500
01:25:48,770 --> 01:25:52,320
- Eddie from Eddie's Home.
- See?
1501
01:25:53,316 --> 01:25:56,026
That's right. Eddie from Eddie's Home.
1502
01:25:56,194 --> 01:26:00,324
Don't go out there.
No. This isn't-- This is not your crowd.
1503
01:26:00,490 --> 01:26:01,870
They don't like comedy.
1504
01:26:02,033 --> 01:26:03,453
Let's bring him up here.
1505
01:26:03,618 --> 01:26:05,908
- If you want to, you can, but...
- Come on.
1506
01:26:06,079 --> 01:26:07,909
- ...it's not a good idea.
- Yeah.
1507
01:26:08,081 --> 01:26:09,791
Now your father's my best friend.
1508
01:26:09,958 --> 01:26:11,998
Yes. Can you believe it?
1509
01:26:15,255 --> 01:26:17,915
Thank you. Thank you.
Happy to be here. Happy to be here.
1510
01:26:18,091 --> 01:26:21,641
And I wanna thank
my new best friend, Mac Schiltz.
1511
01:26:22,053 --> 01:26:24,643
Only he knows how close we really are.
1512
01:26:24,806 --> 01:26:27,726
Okay, Miriam, you're a dancer?
1513
01:26:28,560 --> 01:26:29,980
- Yeah.
- Come sit on my lap.
1514
01:26:30,144 --> 01:26:31,864
I'll spin you around like a dreidel.
1515
01:26:32,021 --> 01:26:33,441
That was a Jewish joke.
1516
01:26:34,357 --> 01:26:37,357
My mother was a dancer.
She worked at a gentleman's club.
1517
01:26:37,527 --> 01:26:39,237
She was a lap dancer.
1518
01:26:39,404 --> 01:26:41,784
You imagine how hard it was
for me to nurse?
1519
01:26:42,240 --> 01:26:44,200
Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!
1520
01:26:44,409 --> 01:26:47,409
- Is that supposed to be funny?
- It was supposed to be funny.
1521
01:26:47,579 --> 01:26:49,079
- You didn't like that?
- Well....
1522
01:26:49,247 --> 01:26:51,117
Would you like me to do it another way?
1523
01:26:52,500 --> 01:26:54,130
Like that? That's not funny to you?
1524
01:26:54,294 --> 01:26:56,674
- What kind of dancer were you?
- I was a chorus girl.
1525
01:26:56,838 --> 01:26:58,668
A chorus girl.
1526
01:26:58,840 --> 01:27:01,590
- I always wanted to bang a chorus girl.
- Join the club.
1527
01:27:01,759 --> 01:27:03,639
Oh, good comeback.
1528
01:27:03,803 --> 01:27:06,223
You're a good sport, Miriam. I like that.
1529
01:27:06,389 --> 01:27:07,929
Let's do a threesome:
me, you and Adele.
1530
01:27:10,059 --> 01:27:14,649
How about that? She was a gym teacher,
so she'll do all the heavy lifting.
1531
01:27:14,814 --> 01:27:16,114
- Probably a dyke.
- Oh!
1532
01:27:16,274 --> 01:27:17,784
That doesn't matter.
1533
01:27:17,942 --> 01:27:20,532
What's with these guys here?
What's this group?
1534
01:27:20,695 --> 01:27:23,525
- You look like a street gang or something.
- Yeah. That's us.
1535
01:27:23,698 --> 01:27:24,908
- What's your name?
- Herman.
1536
01:27:25,074 --> 01:27:27,834
Herman. With a name like that,
you must have got laid a lot.
1537
01:27:27,994 --> 01:27:29,794
Heh, heh, oh-ho.
1538
01:27:29,954 --> 01:27:34,384
I recognize you. I remember. I see you
prowling all the discos and clubs here.
1539
01:27:34,542 --> 01:27:37,552
There's a lot of them in this part
of the world. Good for you.
1540
01:27:37,712 --> 01:27:40,552
What about your porn?
You guys have a porn collection?
1541
01:27:40,715 --> 01:27:42,175
Who's got the best pussy shots?
1542
01:27:42,342 --> 01:27:43,972
- Bernie.
- Bernie.
1543
01:27:44,135 --> 01:27:46,295
- Yeah.
- Now listen, I'm curious, Bernie.
1544
01:27:46,471 --> 01:27:48,891
Are you a breast man or tit man?
1545
01:27:49,057 --> 01:27:50,977
Leg man? Ass man?
1546
01:27:51,142 --> 01:27:52,602
- Whatever else?
- Tuchuses.
1547
01:27:52,769 --> 01:27:54,689
- Tuchuses?
- Yes.
1548
01:27:57,523 --> 01:27:59,943
- Have you met Adele, the gym teacher?
- Oh, yeah.
1549
01:28:00,109 --> 01:28:02,949
I know you two must have been fucking
each other for a couple of years.
1550
01:28:03,112 --> 01:28:06,202
She used to be able to climb up
a rope with just her ass.
1551
01:28:06,366 --> 01:28:07,776
Oh, no.
1552
01:28:08,660 --> 01:28:10,370
Adele, I found a live one.
1553
01:28:10,912 --> 01:28:12,042
No.
1554
01:28:12,205 --> 01:28:14,745
I think he's alive, hold on.
Yeah. He's alive.
1555
01:28:14,916 --> 01:28:16,666
Still ticking. Where you going?
1556
01:28:16,834 --> 01:28:19,174
Hey, hey, fellow. Rip Van Winkle.
1557
01:28:19,337 --> 01:28:21,837
My name is Benjamin.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
1558
01:28:22,006 --> 01:28:25,006
Benjamin, what do you have to do,
number one or number two?
1559
01:28:28,262 --> 01:28:29,392
Uh-oh.
1560
01:28:31,307 --> 01:28:34,137
- Number three.
- Oh.
1561
01:28:34,310 --> 01:28:35,900
- Number three?
- Yeah.
1562
01:28:37,313 --> 01:28:38,403
Wow.
1563
01:28:38,564 --> 01:28:40,944
Number three.
The big Mac Schiltz special.
1564
01:28:43,861 --> 01:28:46,531
Are you sure? I think
you already did something there.
1565
01:28:46,698 --> 01:28:49,828
You know, I....
Looks like you did number six there.
1566
01:28:50,868 --> 01:28:52,408
Jesus, or maybe it's up to eight.
1567
01:28:55,415 --> 01:28:58,035
Okay. I see you all like bathroom humor...
1568
01:28:58,209 --> 01:29:02,049
...which is good because that's
what I like. We're all thinking alike.
1569
01:29:02,213 --> 01:29:06,383
Look, I'm gonna do a song,
and I'm gonna change the lyrics slightly.
1570
01:29:06,551 --> 01:29:08,801
So I think we'll have a little fun with that.
It's called--
1571
01:29:08,970 --> 01:29:12,140
Well, you've all heard
the song "Makin' Whoopee"?
1572
01:29:12,306 --> 01:29:16,016
So I'm just gonna change it a little,
and when I point to you...
1573
01:29:16,185 --> 01:29:18,725
...you go, "Not making poopie."
1574
01:29:20,481 --> 01:29:21,901
- Can we do that?
- Okay.
1575
01:29:22,066 --> 01:29:23,896
One, two, three. Let's try it now:
1576
01:29:26,904 --> 01:29:28,284
Okay. One more time.
1577
01:29:28,448 --> 01:29:31,698
Come on, you guys sound like
you need a little coke to get you going.
1578
01:29:31,868 --> 01:29:33,908
One more time, one, two, three:
1579
01:29:36,789 --> 01:29:37,999
Yeah! Okay. Great.
1580
01:29:38,166 --> 01:29:39,786
Here we go. Here it goes.
1581
01:29:39,959 --> 01:29:41,789
Maestro....
1582
01:29:59,771 --> 01:30:00,811
Yeah.
1583
01:30:15,745 --> 01:30:18,035
Whoopee, not "poopie."
1584
01:30:19,040 --> 01:30:20,420
We're doing "poopie" here.
1585
01:30:20,583 --> 01:30:22,633
- I am not.
- All right.
1586
01:30:24,128 --> 01:30:25,458
Uh-oh.
1587
01:30:26,380 --> 01:30:29,010
We've got a killjoy in the house.
1588
01:30:29,175 --> 01:30:30,335
Okay.
1589
01:30:49,362 --> 01:30:51,362
Big finish.
1590
01:30:56,744 --> 01:30:58,124
Everybody now.
1591
01:31:04,085 --> 01:31:05,665
Poopie.
1592
01:31:05,837 --> 01:31:07,047
Poopie.
1593
01:31:08,714 --> 01:31:12,394
Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.
1594
01:31:12,552 --> 01:31:14,972
Well, I hope nobody was offended here.
1595
01:31:15,138 --> 01:31:16,388
It was all in good fun.
1596
01:31:16,556 --> 01:31:21,976
In about 20 years, we're all gonna be
dead, so let's celebrate while we can.
1597
01:31:34,365 --> 01:31:35,905
Thanks for coming.
1598
01:31:40,955 --> 01:31:43,915
I feel like I'm looking at myself
in the mirror.
1599
01:31:44,083 --> 01:31:45,963
- What's your name?
- Ted.
1600
01:31:46,127 --> 01:31:49,417
Are you still friends with the other actors,
Arlene and your son?
1601
01:31:49,589 --> 01:31:51,669
- No. They all died.
- Oh....
1602
01:31:51,841 --> 01:31:53,761
- Sorry.
- Oh.
1603
01:31:54,302 --> 01:31:55,722
Boy, they were funny.
1604
01:31:55,887 --> 01:31:58,887
Funny. Funny. She was funny.
He was funny.
1605
01:31:59,056 --> 01:32:00,096
Very funny.
1606
01:32:00,266 --> 01:32:02,306
- Can I ask you something?
- Sure.
1607
01:32:02,476 --> 01:32:05,346
Do you still think the show is funny
after all these years?
1608
01:32:06,063 --> 01:32:08,653
Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes...
1609
01:32:08,816 --> 01:32:11,396
...but it wasn't always about the laughs.
1610
01:32:11,569 --> 01:32:13,529
Eddie could say the craziest things.
1611
01:32:13,696 --> 01:32:15,486
I think that's what I liked most.
1612
01:32:15,990 --> 01:32:17,160
Oh....
1613
01:32:17,366 --> 01:32:21,156
Can I just get one "Hey, Arlene"
for my wife? Just one?
1614
01:32:21,329 --> 01:32:23,039
Yeah. Sure.
1615
01:32:24,415 --> 01:32:28,035
"Arlene, Eddie's home!"
1616
01:32:28,211 --> 01:32:31,341
I'm gonna kill the whole fucking family!
1617
01:32:31,505 --> 01:32:35,085
"Me, you and our little fruitcake son!"
1618
01:32:35,259 --> 01:32:37,469
Oh, my God.
1619
01:32:37,637 --> 01:32:40,507
- How's that?
- That's what I'm talking about.
1620
01:32:40,681 --> 01:32:43,391
- You liked that?
- Thanks for being Eddie. Ho!
1621
01:32:58,616 --> 01:33:00,026
- Hey.
- Hey, you ready?
1622
01:33:00,576 --> 01:33:01,576
Um....
1623
01:33:01,744 --> 01:33:06,004
I actually don't feel very good.
I was thinking about staying in tonight.
1624
01:33:06,457 --> 01:33:08,877
- Okay.
- Yeah.
1625
01:33:09,043 --> 01:33:11,553
- You all right?
- Yeah.
1626
01:33:15,007 --> 01:33:16,587
Can I come in?
1627
01:33:17,510 --> 01:33:19,180
For a minute?
1628
01:33:19,762 --> 01:33:21,182
Sure.
1629
01:33:27,103 --> 01:33:28,603
You look nice.
1630
01:33:28,771 --> 01:33:30,611
Thanks. You too.
1631
01:33:30,773 --> 01:33:33,073
No, I don't.
1632
01:33:33,234 --> 01:33:35,194
Is everything okay?
1633
01:33:35,861 --> 01:33:37,151
Yeah, because we had--
1634
01:33:37,321 --> 01:33:41,661
We had such a good time,
and now everything feels a little--
1635
01:33:41,826 --> 01:33:43,486
A little off.
1636
01:33:43,661 --> 01:33:45,331
I mean, do you have a boyfriend...
1637
01:33:45,496 --> 01:33:48,076
- ...or somebody you're seeing?
- No.
1638
01:33:49,458 --> 01:33:50,668
No.
1639
01:33:51,544 --> 01:33:52,844
No.
1640
01:33:53,421 --> 01:33:54,631
Something that I did?
1641
01:33:54,797 --> 01:33:57,167
No, no, no.
1642
01:33:57,341 --> 01:33:58,761
No?
1643
01:34:02,388 --> 01:34:04,018
Well...
1644
01:34:05,141 --> 01:34:06,431
...um...
1645
01:34:06,642 --> 01:34:08,142
...I'm pregnant.
1646
01:34:11,147 --> 01:34:12,477
Hm.
1647
01:34:12,732 --> 01:34:14,532
You're pregnant.
1648
01:34:20,031 --> 01:34:21,661
Is it, uh...?
1649
01:34:23,492 --> 01:34:26,332
So--? It's me, you mean?
1650
01:34:28,539 --> 01:34:30,419
Yeah. Heh.
1651
01:34:30,583 --> 01:34:31,923
I know.
1652
01:34:32,084 --> 01:34:34,674
- You sure?
- Yeah.
1653
01:34:34,837 --> 01:34:39,927
I mean, the timing's right,
and I haven't been with anyone else, so....
1654
01:34:40,092 --> 01:34:42,972
You haven't been with anyone else?
You gotta be honest with me.
1655
01:34:43,137 --> 01:34:45,387
Can you blame me? I gotta ask you.
1656
01:34:45,556 --> 01:34:47,386
I mean, I have to.
1657
01:34:51,395 --> 01:34:54,515
I've gotta make sure that it's my child.
1658
01:34:56,108 --> 01:34:57,488
Wow.
1659
01:34:58,152 --> 01:35:00,202
Okay. Um....
1660
01:35:01,781 --> 01:35:03,321
No.
1661
01:35:04,158 --> 01:35:06,288
It's yours.
1662
01:35:13,709 --> 01:35:15,919
Believe me,
I'm as surprised as you are.
1663
01:35:16,087 --> 01:35:19,007
- I'm not--
- No. You're not as shocked as I am.
1664
01:35:19,173 --> 01:35:21,303
- Yeah, I am.
- No, you're not.
1665
01:35:21,467 --> 01:35:24,797
Wow. Um....
1666
01:35:26,305 --> 01:35:28,215
You know, I wasn't gonna...
1667
01:35:28,391 --> 01:35:30,891
...do this, and I made
the appointment at the clinic...
1668
01:35:31,060 --> 01:35:34,520
...and I drove myself down there,
and I...
1669
01:35:35,356 --> 01:35:38,026
...couldn't get out of the car.
It was the weirdest thing.
1670
01:35:38,192 --> 01:35:42,412
I-- I just kept thinking about...
1671
01:35:42,571 --> 01:35:47,411
...the talk that we had
and talking about my mom and I--
1672
01:35:48,077 --> 01:35:51,657
You know, I felt like I couldn't...
1673
01:35:51,831 --> 01:35:54,831
...make this baby feel unwanted
the way I was.
1674
01:35:55,000 --> 01:35:56,710
And I just--
1675
01:35:56,877 --> 01:35:58,337
I--
1676
01:35:58,504 --> 01:36:03,474
I feel like I'm never gonna have
this opportunity again, you know, and...
1677
01:36:04,135 --> 01:36:07,045
...so I'm gonna give it a shot...
1678
01:36:07,221 --> 01:36:10,141
...and I'm excited.
1679
01:36:14,478 --> 01:36:16,898
So I have nothing to say about this?
1680
01:36:17,857 --> 01:36:19,147
What do you have to say?
1681
01:36:19,316 --> 01:36:21,486
Well, maybe I don't wanna be
a father again.
1682
01:36:21,652 --> 01:36:24,822
Okay. Well, you don't have to be a father.
Nobody's asking you.
1683
01:36:24,989 --> 01:36:28,409
But I'm gonna be the father
and I'm gonna be an older father, which...
1684
01:36:28,576 --> 01:36:31,196
...I don't expect you to understand,
but I am.
1685
01:36:31,370 --> 01:36:34,920
I can't even guarantee
how long I'll be around for the child.
1686
01:36:35,666 --> 01:36:38,206
I'm.... Um....
1687
01:36:39,211 --> 01:36:42,211
Actually, it's me having the baby,
not you...
1688
01:36:42,381 --> 01:36:45,971
...and so you are,
like I said, off the hook.
1689
01:36:46,135 --> 01:36:48,635
I'm not off the hook. I'm sorry.
I'm not off the hook.
1690
01:36:48,804 --> 01:36:51,104
- Okay. I'm not asking you.
- I'm not off the hook.
1691
01:36:51,265 --> 01:36:54,095
I'm the father, and you're telling me
that I'm off the hook?
1692
01:36:54,268 --> 01:36:57,098
- No. This is--
- You can't just decide this on your own.
1693
01:36:57,271 --> 01:36:59,191
- Doesn't work that way. I'm sorry.
- I can.
1694
01:36:59,356 --> 01:37:02,356
- It does affect me.
- And I just did decide. Thank you.
1695
01:37:02,526 --> 01:37:04,356
- Yes. I did decide this.
- It affects me.
1696
01:37:04,528 --> 01:37:06,948
No. It doesn't. It doesn't affect you.
1697
01:37:07,114 --> 01:37:09,074
- It does.
- You have nothing to do with it.
1698
01:37:09,241 --> 01:37:11,121
You have the baby,
it doesn't affect me?
1699
01:37:11,285 --> 01:37:13,575
- You're not giving me any choice.
- Okay, well--
1700
01:37:13,746 --> 01:37:17,576
You did have a choice!
You just said you didn't wanna be a father.
1701
01:37:17,750 --> 01:37:21,960
I didn't say-- I said, I don't know
if I wanna be a father again.
1702
01:37:22,129 --> 01:37:25,379
That's fine. I don't want you to be!
I don't need you to be!
1703
01:37:25,549 --> 01:37:29,299
If this hadn't happened, I'd run into you
in five years. You'd be with a little kid.
1704
01:37:29,470 --> 01:37:31,970
You gonna tell me,
"By the way, this is your child"?
1705
01:37:32,139 --> 01:37:34,769
- You didn't want anything to do with it!
- Pregnant with my child...
1706
01:37:34,934 --> 01:37:37,104
- ...and you wouldn't tell me.
- So fucking what?!
1707
01:37:37,269 --> 01:37:38,939
- There you go!
- So fucking what?!
1708
01:37:40,397 --> 01:37:42,937
- "Fuck you. I'll have the child."
- You should get that.
1709
01:37:43,651 --> 01:37:46,281
This is-- Unbelievable.
1710
01:37:46,445 --> 01:37:48,405
Ah, fuck. Fuck this.
1711
01:37:48,572 --> 01:37:50,742
This is fucking crazy.
1712
01:37:51,825 --> 01:37:54,785
Miller, I'm busy. I don't wanna
talk business when I'm here.
1713
01:37:54,954 --> 01:37:56,834
No. I don't wanna talk to you right now.
1714
01:37:56,997 --> 01:37:59,577
- Miller, what is it? What do you wanna--?
- Goddamn it.
1715
01:37:59,959 --> 01:38:02,169
I don't have time to talk right now.
What is it?
1716
01:38:02,336 --> 01:38:03,586
You're viral again.
1717
01:38:03,754 --> 01:38:06,264
- What?
- Yeah. Something about, uh, "poopie"?
1718
01:38:07,341 --> 01:38:09,971
And a bunch of retirees?
1719
01:38:21,480 --> 01:38:25,030
Over three million views in eight hours,
and it is still climbing.
1720
01:38:25,192 --> 01:38:27,902
You are on Kimmel. You're on Fallon.
1721
01:38:28,070 --> 01:38:30,240
So I got a call from Carol Bock
from RAW TV.
1722
01:38:30,406 --> 01:38:32,236
Carol Bock.
What the fuck does she want?
1723
01:38:32,408 --> 01:38:34,868
She needs a host
for a reality-show pilot.
1724
01:38:35,035 --> 01:38:37,115
It shoots on Monday in New York.
1725
01:38:37,288 --> 01:38:39,208
Monday-- So soon?
1726
01:38:39,373 --> 01:38:41,963
They had D'Angelo signed.
He had to drop out at the last minute.
1727
01:38:42,126 --> 01:38:43,706
Of course. He's got a better manager.
1728
01:38:43,877 --> 01:38:45,957
No, he got pancreatic cancer.
1729
01:38:47,631 --> 01:38:51,431
Timing is everything. Heh.
Cancer. Who'd he steal that from?
1730
01:38:53,178 --> 01:38:54,928
- Okay. I'm coming.
- All right. Don't leave me hanging.
1731
01:38:55,097 --> 01:38:57,517
Yeah. I said, I'm coming! Yeah.
1732
01:39:06,483 --> 01:39:07,573
Yeah.
1733
01:39:11,113 --> 01:39:13,373
- Poopie!
- I'm makin' shit!
1734
01:39:15,784 --> 01:39:17,164
Well, well.
1735
01:39:17,328 --> 01:39:18,998
- Hey, Mac.
- What have we here?
1736
01:39:19,163 --> 01:39:21,713
The comedian slithering out?
1737
01:39:21,874 --> 01:39:24,134
Look, I got a gig in New York.
It's important.
1738
01:39:24,293 --> 01:39:25,593
Let me tell you something.
1739
01:39:25,753 --> 01:39:27,673
Back in the day,
when I was making book...
1740
01:39:27,838 --> 01:39:31,678
...I knew who was gonna lose
and who was gonna win. I had an instinct.
1741
01:39:31,842 --> 01:39:34,682
The losers, I'd deposit their money
before the race ran.
1742
01:39:34,845 --> 01:39:36,255
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
1743
01:39:36,430 --> 01:39:38,850
You, my friend, are money in the bank.
1744
01:39:39,016 --> 01:39:41,306
Okay. So now you're saying I'm a loser?
1745
01:39:41,477 --> 01:39:43,397
Get the fuck out of here.
1746
01:39:43,562 --> 01:39:44,772
Hey, you know...
1747
01:39:44,938 --> 01:39:46,938
...I hear you're gonna be a grandpa.
1748
01:39:47,691 --> 01:39:48,861
Wow!
1749
01:39:49,068 --> 01:39:51,738
Congratulations. That's exciting.
1750
01:39:51,904 --> 01:39:54,374
Just don't be surprised
if the kid comes out of the womb...
1751
01:39:54,531 --> 01:39:57,701
...with a mic, doing dick jokes.
You know what I mean?
1752
01:39:59,161 --> 01:40:00,831
- See you at the bris.
- Look around.
1753
01:40:00,996 --> 01:40:04,116
- There's people everywhere.
- "Arlene." Why don't you work on that?
1754
01:40:04,291 --> 01:40:06,711
Because it really sucked
the way you did it.
1755
01:40:06,877 --> 01:40:09,337
"Arlene." That's how you do it, schmuck.
1756
01:40:09,838 --> 01:40:11,838
Get it right next time. Work on it.
1757
01:40:12,007 --> 01:40:14,387
"Arlene. Arlene.
1758
01:40:14,551 --> 01:40:15,891
Arlene."
1759
01:40:16,053 --> 01:40:19,013
From New York City, RAW TV...
1760
01:40:19,181 --> 01:40:21,391
...the game-changer
in innovative television...
1761
01:40:21,558 --> 01:40:26,148
...brings you Say Uncle,
a new experiment in jeopardy...
1762
01:40:26,313 --> 01:40:30,323
...starring the king of shock comedians,
Jackie Burke.
1763
01:40:30,484 --> 01:40:34,204
Hello, everybody.
Welcome to Say Uncle.
1764
01:40:34,363 --> 01:40:36,283
I'm your host, Jackie Burke.
1765
01:40:36,448 --> 01:40:39,948
Each week on Say Uncle,
we find out if you have what it takes...
1766
01:40:40,119 --> 01:40:45,329
...to take the pain and win cash
and prizes, or will you say uncle...
1767
01:40:45,499 --> 01:40:49,249
...and go home empty-handed,
disappointing your family...
1768
01:40:49,420 --> 01:40:51,000
...and crushing your dreams?
1769
01:40:51,171 --> 01:40:55,051
Our first contestant is Mark Chapel
from Brookline, Massachusetts.
1770
01:40:56,218 --> 01:40:57,638
How you doing today, Mark?
1771
01:40:57,803 --> 01:40:59,433
Hi. Great.
1772
01:41:01,056 --> 01:41:05,186
This week, we take you to bayou country
where it's man against nature.
1773
01:41:05,352 --> 01:41:08,772
Or in this case, Mark against
hundreds of pissed-off crawfish.
1774
01:41:08,981 --> 01:41:10,071
Ooh.
1775
01:41:10,274 --> 01:41:12,784
Look what we have for you, Mark.
1776
01:41:13,235 --> 01:41:15,775
A couple of nice ones.
1777
01:41:15,946 --> 01:41:17,356
Here we go.
1778
01:41:17,531 --> 01:41:19,531
Oh, yeah. No, no, no. Got you.
1779
01:41:19,700 --> 01:41:23,120
These pincers can inflict
a lot of pain and damage.
1780
01:41:23,829 --> 01:41:25,369
You sure you're up to this, Mark?
1781
01:41:25,539 --> 01:41:26,959
Bring it on, Uncle Jackie.
1782
01:41:27,124 --> 01:41:31,134
Right now, our two bayou babes,
each married to close relatives...
1783
01:41:31,295 --> 01:41:33,755
...are helping Mark into a swamp pirogue.
1784
01:41:33,922 --> 01:41:35,472
That was my idea.
1785
01:41:35,632 --> 01:41:37,092
- The crawfish.
- The crawfish...
1786
01:41:37,259 --> 01:41:39,139
...and the bayou babes. That was me.
1787
01:41:39,303 --> 01:41:42,393
Don't forget, if you last two minutes
with these hungry crawfish...
1788
01:41:42,556 --> 01:41:45,176
...you'll win this new hybrid car...
1789
01:41:46,226 --> 01:41:51,056
...a Caribbean vacation
for you and your entire family...
1790
01:41:51,690 --> 01:41:55,320
...and $10,000 in cash!
1791
01:41:56,528 --> 01:41:58,028
- We got it.
- Okay.
1792
01:41:58,197 --> 01:42:00,817
Are you sure you're ready
for the bayou challenge, Mark?
1793
01:42:01,575 --> 01:42:02,865
Yes, Uncle Jackie.
1794
01:42:03,035 --> 01:42:05,075
Okay. Let's start the clock.
1795
01:42:06,455 --> 01:42:09,035
Crawfish, it's dinnertime.
1796
01:42:14,254 --> 01:42:17,674
That doesn't look so bad to me.
I've stayed in worse motels.
1797
01:42:17,841 --> 01:42:23,851
Though I have to say,
these bedbugs are on the large size.
1798
01:42:24,014 --> 01:42:25,604
Even by New York standards.
1799
01:42:25,766 --> 01:42:29,346
Bayou babes, bring in reinforcements.
1800
01:42:31,647 --> 01:42:34,647
Wow! I thought having crabs was bad.
1801
01:42:35,526 --> 01:42:38,946
I'm not as much of a man as you are,
Mark. I've gotta hand it to you.
1802
01:42:39,112 --> 01:42:41,202
You got a lot of chutzpah
and a lot of balls.
1803
01:42:41,365 --> 01:42:42,695
Oh! I think one bit me.
1804
01:42:42,866 --> 01:42:44,366
Ouch!
1805
01:42:44,910 --> 01:42:48,210
Oh, first bite. Let's hope
those other mudbugs don't catch on.
1806
01:42:48,372 --> 01:42:50,752
- Ahh!
- Twenty-four seconds, Mark.
1807
01:42:50,916 --> 01:42:53,086
- Hang in there. Hang in there.
- Ow! Ow-ow!
1808
01:42:53,252 --> 01:42:55,502
Think of the cash,
the money, the vacation.
1809
01:42:58,549 --> 01:43:01,049
You're gonna make it.
You're gonna make it.
1810
01:43:01,218 --> 01:43:02,718
He's never gonna make it.
1811
01:43:02,886 --> 01:43:06,516
You're almost there, Mark.
Keep it going. Think of the money.
1812
01:43:06,682 --> 01:43:09,352
- Uncle! Uncle!
- Oh!
1813
01:43:11,311 --> 01:43:12,771
Uncle!
1814
01:43:12,938 --> 01:43:14,358
Mark!
1815
01:43:15,190 --> 01:43:16,230
Loser!
1816
01:43:16,441 --> 01:43:17,441
Ha!
1817
01:43:19,778 --> 01:43:21,238
Aw....
1818
01:43:22,322 --> 01:43:23,572
Oh.
1819
01:43:23,740 --> 01:43:25,450
You're a disappointment, Mark.
1820
01:43:25,617 --> 01:43:27,827
You okay? You all right?
1821
01:43:27,995 --> 01:43:30,405
It's all right. It's okay. It's okay.
1822
01:43:30,581 --> 01:43:31,581
Okay.
1823
01:43:33,250 --> 01:43:36,210
I'm sorry. I tried. I really did.
1824
01:43:36,378 --> 01:43:40,508
Oh.... Honey, it's okay. I know.
1825
01:43:40,674 --> 01:43:43,144
- I'm sorry.
- We love you. The kids love you.
1826
01:43:43,302 --> 01:43:44,642
You suck, Mark!
1827
01:43:45,637 --> 01:43:47,717
Say Uncle will be right back.
1828
01:43:47,890 --> 01:43:51,020
But for me, I'd rather have
Stevie Wonder shave my balls...
1829
01:43:51,184 --> 01:43:54,564
...with a fucking butcher knife
than be part of this fucking reality show.
1830
01:43:54,730 --> 01:43:59,780
This is Jackie Burke saying "uncle,"
and RAW TV, you can go fuck yourself.
1831
01:43:59,943 --> 01:44:01,533
Ha-ha!
- Ooh.
1832
01:44:02,404 --> 01:44:03,494
Jackie.
1833
01:44:03,655 --> 01:44:06,695
I'm keeping the Safari jacket,
in case I ever get booked in Africa.
1834
01:44:06,867 --> 01:44:08,327
Jackie.
1835
01:44:10,495 --> 01:44:12,155
Sorry.
1836
01:44:28,055 --> 01:44:32,475
You know, my kid, he's over
6 feet tall. I hardly ever hear from him.
1837
01:44:32,643 --> 01:44:35,983
- But all of the stages are beautiful.
- Yeah.
1838
01:44:36,146 --> 01:44:37,356
Oh, that lucky kid.
1839
01:44:38,732 --> 01:44:39,782
Hey.
1840
01:44:40,651 --> 01:44:42,951
Where's the Florida sunshine?
1841
01:44:50,702 --> 01:44:51,752
Hey.
1842
01:44:52,746 --> 01:44:54,826
Wow. Look at you.
1843
01:44:57,376 --> 01:44:59,086
Oh, ho, ho.
1844
01:45:00,587 --> 01:45:02,207
This is a surprise.
1845
01:45:02,381 --> 01:45:03,801
Yeah.
1846
01:45:04,216 --> 01:45:05,796
You look beautiful.
1847
01:45:05,968 --> 01:45:07,588
Really great.
1848
01:45:13,725 --> 01:45:17,055
Look, I just wanted to talk to you.
1849
01:45:19,272 --> 01:45:21,192
See how you are.
1850
01:45:23,193 --> 01:45:25,403
It felt strange
after the way we left things.
1851
01:45:26,238 --> 01:45:28,738
I was gonna call you, but it was--
1852
01:45:28,907 --> 01:45:30,527
It didn't feel good to do that.
1853
01:45:30,701 --> 01:45:34,541
So I just decided to come here,
and I wanna give you this.
1854
01:45:34,705 --> 01:45:39,415
It's a bunch of mementos,
family photographs, my family.
1855
01:45:40,502 --> 01:45:42,132
In case...
1856
01:45:42,713 --> 01:45:46,343
...he or she would want
to know things about...
1857
01:45:48,635 --> 01:45:49,965
...me.
1858
01:45:50,137 --> 01:45:52,807
Of course. Ha-ha.
1859
01:45:52,973 --> 01:45:55,603
But just so you have it.
In case. You never know.
1860
01:45:55,767 --> 01:45:57,267
And you do whatever you want.
1861
01:45:57,436 --> 01:45:59,646
If you want me to be involved...
1862
01:45:59,813 --> 01:46:02,153
...in his or her life, fine.
1863
01:46:02,315 --> 01:46:05,395
If you don't, I won't like that,
but I'll have to accept it.
1864
01:46:06,236 --> 01:46:07,396
Okay.
1865
01:46:07,571 --> 01:46:11,071
But I'm there. I want you to know,
I'm there for you, for the kid.
1866
01:46:11,241 --> 01:46:14,241
That's the most important thing
I want you to know.
1867
01:46:16,204 --> 01:46:19,334
I care about you a lot. You know that.
1868
01:46:20,751 --> 01:46:22,381
Okay.
1869
01:46:27,674 --> 01:46:29,224
Take care of yourself.
1870
01:46:29,384 --> 01:46:31,014
Let's hope the kid looks like me.
1871
01:46:31,178 --> 01:46:32,638
Ha.
1872
01:47:42,040 --> 01:47:44,040
Hey, Jackie. Jackie.
1873
01:47:44,376 --> 01:47:45,996
- Yeah.
- Sit.
1874
01:47:46,461 --> 01:47:48,761
Sit. Join us.
1875
01:47:48,922 --> 01:47:50,632
Do you wanna go on tonight?
1876
01:47:50,799 --> 01:47:52,509
Any spot you want, just let me know.
1877
01:47:52,676 --> 01:47:55,676
Estee, why are you being so nice to me?
There's something wrong.
1878
01:47:55,846 --> 01:47:58,516
Your video got more hits
than 2 girls, 1 cup. It's fucking viral.
1879
01:47:58,682 --> 01:48:00,392
- Sit down.
- Which video? What video?
1880
01:48:00,559 --> 01:48:02,769
That Say Uncle thing. Three in a row.
1881
01:48:02,936 --> 01:48:04,936
You're more viral than Charlie Sheen.
1882
01:48:05,105 --> 01:48:08,975
"This is Jackie Burke saying 'uncle, '
and RAW TV go fuck yourself."
1883
01:48:09,151 --> 01:48:11,441
- Fuck yourself.
- Everyone saw it, man.
1884
01:48:11,611 --> 01:48:13,661
Six million views and counting.
1885
01:48:13,822 --> 01:48:16,122
Six million?
But how did they get it out?
1886
01:48:16,283 --> 01:48:18,333
It was two months ago.
1887
01:48:19,077 --> 01:48:20,617
You got it out?
1888
01:48:20,954 --> 01:48:22,794
You finally did something good.
1889
01:48:23,331 --> 01:48:25,211
- To Jackie.
- Congratulations, Jackie.
1890
01:48:25,375 --> 01:48:27,915
- You're back, you mean motherfucker.
- Fist-bump it.
1891
01:48:28,086 --> 01:48:31,796
- Where's your drink? This is so weird.
- Hey, where's my viral video?
1892
01:48:31,965 --> 01:48:33,875
- Punch me in the face?
- Miller the Killer.
1893
01:48:34,050 --> 01:48:35,470
You-- Miller the Killer.
1894
01:48:37,429 --> 01:48:39,099
Holy shit!
1895
01:48:41,141 --> 01:48:42,481
All right.
1896
01:48:42,642 --> 01:48:45,022
Try to talk about regular stuff,
like music and politics.
1897
01:48:45,187 --> 01:48:46,807
If you got a handlebar mustache...
1898
01:48:46,980 --> 01:48:50,900
...all I wanna hear you talk about is
Slinkys and kazoos, and that's it.
1899
01:48:51,067 --> 01:48:52,987
You talk about kazoos
for a few minutes...
1900
01:48:53,153 --> 01:48:55,573
...then you gonna hop
on a unicycle and juggle.
1901
01:48:55,739 --> 01:48:57,909
You carnival-faced motherfucker.
1902
01:48:59,326 --> 01:49:02,746
Are you guys ready for your next
comedian? Make some noise.
1903
01:49:02,954 --> 01:49:04,334
Whoo!
1904
01:49:04,497 --> 01:49:07,877
You guys are a beautiful crowd.
We have a surprise guest for tonight.
1905
01:49:08,043 --> 01:49:12,053
You might have seen him on RAW TV,
snapping and telling them to fuck off.
1906
01:49:12,214 --> 01:49:15,474
Please welcome to the stage
the great Jackie Burke, everybody.
1907
01:49:15,634 --> 01:49:17,434
Jackie Burke.
1908
01:49:27,479 --> 01:49:31,069
Yeah, give it up for Hannibal Buress.
1909
01:49:31,775 --> 01:49:34,485
Jackie, Jackie, Jackie.
1910
01:49:36,279 --> 01:49:39,699
Thank you. Thank you very much, folks.
Thank you. This is really nice.
1911
01:49:39,866 --> 01:49:42,036
Last time I heard "Jackie"
chanted like that...
1912
01:49:42,202 --> 01:49:44,752
...I was bent over in the shower
at Nassau County Correctional.
1913
01:49:48,458 --> 01:49:51,798
Okay, Jackie. You're finally working
at the Comedy Cellar again.
1914
01:49:51,962 --> 01:49:53,922
Don't fuck this up.
1915
01:49:54,089 --> 01:49:55,509
Don't curse too much.
1916
01:49:55,674 --> 01:49:57,594
Don't pull your dick out.
1917
01:49:58,009 --> 01:50:01,849
Don't attack anyone physically
unless they really, really deserve it.
1918
01:50:03,723 --> 01:50:07,143
Well, looks like
all my ex-wives were wrong.
1919
01:50:07,310 --> 01:50:08,520
The bitches.
1920
01:50:08,687 --> 01:50:11,517
Sometimes, it really does pay
to be a total asshole.
1921
01:50:12,482 --> 01:50:15,442
And if I had known psychotic breakdowns
were so entertaining...
1922
01:50:15,610 --> 01:50:18,570
...I'd have just been myself
all these years.
1923
01:50:18,738 --> 01:50:22,658
Oh, you know what? I forgot.
I'm gonna be a dad.
1924
01:50:22,826 --> 01:50:24,156
Yeah.
1925
01:50:24,995 --> 01:50:28,615
You don't have to applaud.
I know I'm fucking old.
1926
01:50:28,790 --> 01:50:31,630
I mean, halfway through pulling out,
I fell asleep.
1927
01:50:32,335 --> 01:50:35,455
Before my sperm leaves my balls,
it has to stop and ask directions.
1928
01:50:37,716 --> 01:50:41,636
Boy, you guys are great. It's nice
to be in front of a young crowd like this.
1929
01:50:41,803 --> 01:50:43,603
Younger than dead.
1930
01:50:44,055 --> 01:50:46,305
I should hire you to come to all my gigs.
1931
01:50:47,475 --> 01:50:51,265
- How much do you pay?
- I don't know-- You? I....
1932
01:50:54,024 --> 01:50:56,654
Well, I don't know.
I'd give you 10 for a hand-job...
1933
01:50:56,818 --> 01:50:59,238
...and an extra 100 if you promise
not to wreck it by talking.
1934
01:51:04,367 --> 01:51:06,537
Jackie, Jackie, Jackie.
1935
01:51:50,997 --> 01:51:52,497
You made it.
1936
01:51:52,665 --> 01:51:54,325
- The plane was delayed.
- It's okay.
1937
01:51:54,501 --> 01:51:57,381
Okay, everyone. Have a seat,
have a seat, and take a bow, Amaya.
1938
01:51:57,545 --> 01:52:00,045
Okay. Okay. Thank you.
1939
01:52:00,590 --> 01:52:02,340
- Great. Oh, isn't she cute?
- Hi, Gary.
1940
01:52:02,509 --> 01:52:04,089
- Hey, Jackie.
- We're next.
1941
01:52:04,260 --> 01:52:10,100
Our next very, very talented youngster
we have is, Miss Ralli Berkowitz.
1942
01:52:10,266 --> 01:52:11,976
Come on out, Ralli.
1943
01:52:16,773 --> 01:52:18,533
Oh, no. Here we go.
1944
01:52:19,609 --> 01:52:22,779
So, what's the deal
with chores and allowances?
1945
01:52:22,946 --> 01:52:25,026
I turn 8, and my mom says:
1946
01:52:25,198 --> 01:52:28,448
"I'll give you $10 a week
to make your room...
1947
01:52:28,618 --> 01:52:32,208
...wash the dishes
and clean the cat's litter box."
1948
01:52:32,372 --> 01:52:36,132
Ten dollars? That's slave labor.
1949
01:52:39,212 --> 01:52:41,972
I go to our neighbor's house,
and I say:
1950
01:52:42,132 --> 01:52:44,762
"What will you give me
if I make your room...
1951
01:52:44,926 --> 01:52:48,466
...wash your dishes
and clean your cat's litter box?"
1952
01:52:48,638 --> 01:52:51,218
Neighbor says, "I don't have a cat."
1953
01:52:51,391 --> 01:52:53,981
So I piss in her hallway and say:
1954
01:52:54,144 --> 01:52:57,734
"You go to 15 a week,
and I'll supply the pussy."
1955
01:52:59,232 --> 01:53:01,192
Oh, my God.
1956
01:53:02,193 --> 01:53:04,453
Oh, my gosh.
1957
01:53:04,612 --> 01:53:06,612
This fucking thing on?
1958
01:53:09,159 --> 01:53:10,739
Thanks so much, Ralli. Okay.
1959
01:53:10,910 --> 01:53:13,960
Very good. Thank you.
Okay, sweetheart. Good. All right.
1960
01:53:14,122 --> 01:53:15,922
Okay. Right.
1961
01:53:16,082 --> 01:53:17,882
Thanks so much, Ralli.
1962
01:53:18,042 --> 01:53:19,462
Right. Thanks, honey.
1963
01:53:19,627 --> 01:53:22,047
All right. Wonderful.
1964
01:53:22,213 --> 01:53:23,803
And we have....
1965
01:53:23,965 --> 01:53:25,255
Did you teach her that?
1966
01:53:26,009 --> 01:53:28,929
I would never teach her anything like that.
1967
01:59:52,228 --> 01:59:54,228
Translated by:
Will Motomura