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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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ALEX FERNÁNDEZ
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THE BEST COMEDIAN IN THE WORLD
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Let's begin with the jokes, okay?
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I'm Alex Fernández,
and I'm the best comedian in the world.
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Thank you very much.
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Yes.
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What's so funny, man?
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It's okay.
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When I said that,
I know some of you thought,
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"Wait till I open Twitter.
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The minute I step out of here,
he'll hear me out."
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Fine, I know you don't believe me.
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It's hard to make you believe
I'm the best comedian in the world,
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but it's my job...
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Convincing you is my job.
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This wasn't easy.
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It started when I quit my job
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after seven years working in an office.
Seven years.
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Seven years.
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It's a hell of a lot. Seven years!
It's a lot.
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Have you done something for seven years
other than existing? It's a lot.
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That's why elementary school is six years.
It's more than enough.
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One day, I couldn't take it anymore
and told my boss,
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"Boss, we need to talk.
Let's go to a conference room."
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We went to a conference room
and I told her straight out,
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"Boss, I'm here to..."
No, I didn't punch her.
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No, it's communication. Someone
from Sonora might say, "Punch her!"
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No, wait...
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It's communication. I told her, "Boss,
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I'm quitting. I'm going to be a comedian."
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And my boss said two words
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I never forget when I'm on stage,
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which I carry with me tonight
just as all other nights...
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She said, "Fuck, man!"
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The woman said, "Fuck, man!"
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'Cause she didn't believe me.
And why didn't she?
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I didn't know, but two weeks earlier,
someone else had quit
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saying he wanted to be a wrestler.
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Just like that.
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My former boss
was the well of broken dreams.
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Everyone threw coins at her.
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"I don't want to be an accountant anymore,
I want to be an astronaut."
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I found it poetic.
I was a wrestling fan when I was little.
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Mexican wrestling, such showmanship!
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I will never forget,
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for example, when my brother took me
to the Arena México for the first time.
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It's a wonderful place.
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If you're not from Mexico City,
when you come here,
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keep an eye on your belongings, but...
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go to the Arena México,
it's a wonderful place.
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So, I remember when I went there,
I couldn't believe it. It was like...
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"Hey, brother!
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This is where they live!"
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I was so naive, so innocent.
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I had the action figures and the ring.
When I finished playing,
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I'd keep them underneath.
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To me, that's where they all lived.
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Under the ring.
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Perro Aguayo, his wife,
all of them lying there.
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I can't believe the spectacle I'm seeing.
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And there, in a corner of the ring,
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is Místico, glowing.
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Místico, glowing like this.
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Picture his ass. There he was, like this.
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There was Místico.
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Because Místico shines, right?
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His mask, his pants, his chest.
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No one knows why...
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but his chest shines,
the motherfucker sweats glitter.
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His son must be really happy.
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"Dad, I finished my school project."
"Let me decorate it, Son. There.
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An 'M' is still missing. There you go."
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No.
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And my brother tells me, "That's not all.
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You can interact with the wrestlers."
I didn't know that.
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It was my first time there.
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And it may be very chilango,
it's a Mexico City thing.
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If you're not from there,
you won't get it.
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Did anyone come from far away?
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From northern Mexico?
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Where are you from?
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-From McAllen, Texas.
-McAllen, Texas.
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Oh, from Monterrey, right?
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From...
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Okay, from McAllen, Texas, great.
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Where else do you come from? You?
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One said Nuevo León,
the other said Monterrey.
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There's a problem there.
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One of you is denying your origin.
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"I'm from the entire state of Nuevo León,
saves you the trouble."
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Okay, fine. Look, this is so chilango.
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You won't get it, but...
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this guy steps up there.
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Místico is in the ring,
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and he starts yelling at him,
greeting him halfway through the match.
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"Místico!
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Místico!
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Místico!"
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But Místico wouldn't turn his way.
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There he was, ignoring him...
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showing everyone his ass.
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A checkmark on each buttock.
There he was.
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"Místico!
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Místico!
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Místico!"
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And Místico wouldn't turn around.
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That's what makes him mystical, I guess.
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"Místico!
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Místico!
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Místico!"
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So Místico turns around.
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And the guy tells him,
"Fuck you, Místico!"
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What a moment!
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My Mexico.
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I know it's a very chilango thing.
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Here, in Mexico City,
we yell at each other all the time.
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I know you didn't get the joke.
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Don't worry, I have the exact same joke
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Monterrey version, just for you.
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Tonight, same joke...
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Monterrey version,
just for the two of you.
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An insult for the rest of you here,
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but a prize for you. Tonight...
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same joke,
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Monterrey version.
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Same joke...
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but Monterrey version. Exactly.
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"Místico!
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Místico!
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Místico!"
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And Místico wouldn't turn around.
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There he was, showing his ass,
ignoring him.
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A checkmark on each buttock.
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"Místico!
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Místico!
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Místico!"
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And Místico wouldn't turn around.
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That's what makes him mystical, I guess.
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"Místico!
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Místico!"
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Místico turns around...
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and the guy says, "Fuck you, you pussy!"
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There you go.
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What a moment!
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I'm growing up. I'm...
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As the best comedian in the world,
I'm growing up.
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I've discovered what being grown-up is.
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I know what it is.
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It's realizing you did stupid things
when you were little. That's growing up.
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If you think you didn't do stupid things
when you were little,
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it's because you're still immature.
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We're so stupid.
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We are born stupid.
That's why kids go to school,
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to shed their stupidity.
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Nature is wise.
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It knows...
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we're stupid.
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That's why it shelters us, it protects us.
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Raise your hand, don't be shy...
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if you are or know a kid
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that fell off a first floor
and came out unharmed.
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Where are my boys?
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Okay, we have a few.
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My pal with the glasses here.
Hi, what's your name?
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Emanuel.
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Did you fall or was it some other kid?
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It was you, wasn't it? Of course!
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Make it a point, "I'm the one who fell."
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Okay. How did you fall, Emanuel?
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You fell...
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down the stairs.
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Oh, there were no stairs.
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Just like a puppy... I didn't get it.
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You were on a first floor?
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It was a ladder and they took it away.
Where did you live?
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In a Lego house or something?
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And your memory didn't register...
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So he said, "The ladder is still there."
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And down you go.
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How old were you...
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when this happened? Six? Okay.
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Your parents were such morons, right?
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They just thought,
"Take the ladder away, what could happen?
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The kid knows. The kid can see.
He'll be all right."
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But nothing happened to you,
right, Emanuel? Luckily, you're here.
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I'm so glad. And look...
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I'm not saying a kid falling is funny.
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On the contrary, it's very funny.
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It's true when they say,
"They're made of rubber."
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A kid falls, and he bounces.
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And...
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"Let's get
some Delaware Punch or something."
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They just ignore it.
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But the mom is hysterical, "He fell!
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My little Emanuel fell!
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From the first floor, the ladder
was gone. I don't know, he fell.
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We took it away to clean it.
I don't know what happened!
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I'm shocked.
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Shocked. Look, feel me.
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Yes, he was in his uniform.
He's such a moron, he'll get it dirty!
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Tomorrow is everyday uniform!"
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That can happen to a kid.
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And the odds nothing will happen are high.
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On the other hand,
an elderly can't fall like that.
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Yes. It's not that old people are wise,
they're just careful not to fall.
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There comes an age when falling
and Ebola are not that different.
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At the same level. I'm not saying
it's funny when an old man falls.
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It's very funny because...
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it's slow.
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Introduction, conflict, conclusions.
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Questions, answers,
everything happens there.
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So he's... "Well, here we are.
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Another day, another dollar. Bring it on!
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It'll take me all day to get to the store.
Let's do it!
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Damn it!
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Damn!
What's this mysterious stone pavement?
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What's going on?
I miscalculated. No, what the...?
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Yes, it's started.
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The fall has started.
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Day one.
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It's like leaning down, but faster.
Here we go.
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Can anyone please help me?
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Help! I'm in uniform too!
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But my supermarket stacker uniform!
Please help!"
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My point here is it's good to share
our stupidity
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because we grow up.
Emanuel, today you've become...
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a grown-up. Congratulations.
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So, I'll share one of my favorite
stupid moments with you,
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my first drunken binge.
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It happened when I was 16.
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If you're under age, don't drink.
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Stay away from drugs.
Don't do anything. Don't exist.
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It's a horrible age, 16.
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A story with three main characters:
Alex Fernández and two of his friends.
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One is Miguel.
The other guy's name isn't this one,
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but after that, that's how we called him,
Vomitrón.
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Alex Fernández, Miguel and Vomitrón.
The three of us, hanging out.
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We're ready for adventure.
We have movie tickets.
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And, all of a sudden,
Miguel had this spark of stupidity.
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You know that spark?
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It comes from here, this brain lobe.
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This is where all stupidity comes from.
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Right? The side of the brain
that makes you say things like,
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"What if we drive down the footpath?"
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What did Miguel's master plan consist of?
It was very simple.
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They'd drop us at the movie theater,
we'd pretend we go in,
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but would go to a store,
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buy alcohol, then grab a cab,
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go to Gordo's party,
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ingest all the alcohol
we could drink in 45 minutes...
254
00:15:06,155 --> 00:15:08,699
and go back to the movie theater.
Nothing could go wrong.
255
00:15:10,868 --> 00:15:12,995
Not even the PRI knew this con.
256
00:15:14,705 --> 00:15:16,498
Bulletproof. I mean it.
257
00:15:16,582 --> 00:15:18,417
So, they dropped us at the movies,
258
00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:20,461
we pretend we go in.
259
00:15:21,545 --> 00:15:23,088
Smaller, kind of...
260
00:15:25,716 --> 00:15:27,676
We took a cab and went to an Oxxo,
261
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,762
bought really cheap alcohol,
262
00:15:29,845 --> 00:15:31,055
this vodka...
263
00:15:31,138 --> 00:15:32,765
It was a while ago,
there was no Four Loko.
264
00:15:34,308 --> 00:15:35,851
The young ones laugh.
265
00:15:36,977 --> 00:15:39,688
The older audience goes, "Four Loko?
You're loco, I don't get it."
266
00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:43,859
Don't worry.
267
00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:46,111
I'll explain.
268
00:15:49,657 --> 00:15:50,991
Four Loko is a horrible beverage
269
00:15:51,075 --> 00:15:53,494
you can either drink
or mop the floor with.
270
00:15:54,995 --> 00:15:56,455
We bought this cheap vodka,
271
00:15:56,538 --> 00:15:59,375
this cheap vodka which, at a distance,
272
00:15:59,583 --> 00:16:02,169
seemed to have
some Russian guy on the label...
273
00:16:03,253 --> 00:16:06,465
dressed in fur, killing a moose.
274
00:16:07,049 --> 00:16:08,759
Vodkinski, here!
275
00:16:09,635 --> 00:16:12,471
But you look closer and,
"Oh, no, it's a Monterrey dude."
276
00:16:14,682 --> 00:16:16,767
In a fur coat. "Boy, it's freezing!"
277
00:16:17,768 --> 00:16:19,228
Monterrinski.
278
00:16:20,688 --> 00:16:21,981
Some grape juice,
279
00:16:22,147 --> 00:16:24,692
which wasn't even grape juice,
it was this disgusting purple thing.
280
00:16:25,359 --> 00:16:26,527
Some nibbles,
281
00:16:26,694 --> 00:16:30,030
and off we go to Gordo's party,
which was for teenagers.
282
00:16:30,114 --> 00:16:31,991
Are there any teenagers here tonight?
283
00:16:34,034 --> 00:16:35,619
I hate you.
284
00:16:37,538 --> 00:16:39,623
The worst time of my life. It's horrible.
285
00:16:40,165 --> 00:16:41,542
You're horny all day.
286
00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:46,171
You have no money, no self-esteem.
You have nothing, it's horrible.
287
00:16:49,425 --> 00:16:50,801
So we get to Gordo's party.
288
00:16:50,884 --> 00:16:52,886
At that age, we all want to be grown-ups.
289
00:16:52,970 --> 00:16:54,888
It's horrible.
So the girls there are going...
290
00:17:06,316 --> 00:17:07,776
"Like, I hate it.
291
00:17:09,194 --> 00:17:11,280
I hate biology.
292
00:17:13,282 --> 00:17:15,034
It's so hard and useless.
293
00:17:15,117 --> 00:17:17,578
I hate it. Oh, it's upside down...
Like, I'm so stupid."
294
00:17:21,248 --> 00:17:22,708
Everyone's there, dancing,
295
00:17:22,791 --> 00:17:25,502
but weird, kind of in a circle,
as if it were a ritual.
296
00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:28,797
Two dance at the center,
297
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:31,008
humiliate themselves, go back.
That's right.
298
00:17:35,429 --> 00:17:37,264
And there you are, all stupid...
299
00:17:54,156 --> 00:17:56,450
You know what's worse?
There was always this jokester
300
00:17:56,533 --> 00:17:59,244
who'd do his jokes on the dance floor,
and everyone loved him.
301
00:17:59,328 --> 00:18:01,830
"Is Carlitos coming? I hope he is."
"Carlitos is the best."
302
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:02,790
"There he is."
303
00:18:07,503 --> 00:18:09,171
"I hope he does the taco seller dance."
304
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:13,217
"With pineapple, Carlitos."
305
00:18:15,385 --> 00:18:16,428
"Carlitos is the best."
306
00:18:18,430 --> 00:18:19,765
"Too bad he's adopted."
307
00:18:22,726 --> 00:18:24,144
Kids are so cruel.
308
00:18:25,437 --> 00:18:27,314
A big hand to all adopted kids!
309
00:18:28,232 --> 00:18:29,441
Wherever you are.
310
00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:34,905
Adopt, don't buy. So...
311
00:18:42,371 --> 00:18:44,289
Here we are, at Gordo's drunken binge.
312
00:18:44,706 --> 00:18:46,917
We drank all the alcohol we could.
313
00:18:47,376 --> 00:18:48,836
One liter between the three of us.
314
00:18:49,419 --> 00:18:50,629
Checked!
315
00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:53,173
That's when I felt it kicked.
316
00:18:53,257 --> 00:18:54,842
For the first time in my life,
317
00:18:54,925 --> 00:18:57,386
I felt this beast coming out of my belly.
318
00:18:58,387 --> 00:18:59,263
It kind of...
319
00:19:00,097 --> 00:19:01,181
surges out from here.
320
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:03,183
And takes control of your life for good.
321
00:19:05,561 --> 00:19:07,563
"Here I am, Alejandro, I'm alcohol."
322
00:19:09,273 --> 00:19:12,401
"What are you doing?"
"I'll be here until you get a divorce."
323
00:19:13,861 --> 00:19:16,697
"Everything is spinning, I'm not.
What's going on? Help!"
324
00:19:18,782 --> 00:19:20,450
But I swear it was going fine.
325
00:19:20,534 --> 00:19:21,952
They drop us at the movies.
326
00:19:22,452 --> 00:19:25,080
Everything's just as planned.
We're at the movies, hammered.
327
00:19:36,091 --> 00:19:37,217
"What, lady?
328
00:19:39,136 --> 00:19:41,638
What are you staring at? What? Get a life!
329
00:19:43,265 --> 00:19:44,850
I love life! Gimme a kiss."
330
00:19:48,478 --> 00:19:51,440
But we forgot one tiny detail,
Vomitrón's mom was picking us up.
331
00:19:51,523 --> 00:19:52,441
So she pulls over.
332
00:19:52,983 --> 00:19:56,111
I don't know what we were thinking,
that a carriage would pick us up?
333
00:19:56,862 --> 00:19:58,155
So Vomitrón's mom pulls over.
334
00:19:58,238 --> 00:19:59,698
The three of us were hammered.
335
00:19:59,823 --> 00:20:01,408
And that's when the problem began.
336
00:20:01,909 --> 00:20:03,243
That's when the stupidity started.
337
00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:06,455
"We're hammered, man! Why did we do this?"
338
00:20:06,580 --> 00:20:07,748
"What now?"
339
00:20:07,831 --> 00:20:09,917
"Put coins in your mouth, it'll go away."
340
00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:14,796
We're there, like piggy banks.
341
00:20:15,797 --> 00:20:17,674
Thank God for our savings!
342
00:20:20,969 --> 00:20:22,387
Until Miguel rises from the ashes,
343
00:20:22,471 --> 00:20:23,430
like the Phoenix.
344
00:20:25,599 --> 00:20:26,433
"Relax...
345
00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:34,358
I have a plan.
346
00:20:35,192 --> 00:20:37,903
We can outwit this 47-year-old woman.
347
00:20:41,156 --> 00:20:42,074
No fucking sweat.
348
00:20:43,867 --> 00:20:45,327
Vomitrón, I'll outwit your mom.
349
00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:50,374
I have a plan.
Let's just hold our breath."
350
00:20:54,419 --> 00:20:55,754
"See?" "All right."
351
00:20:55,837 --> 00:20:56,672
"Perfect."
352
00:21:11,061 --> 00:21:13,981
"How was the movie?"
"Oh, sorry, we're hammered!"
353
00:21:16,608 --> 00:21:18,443
Our plan lasted ten seconds.
354
00:21:25,534 --> 00:21:27,619
Vomitrón's mom got mad.
355
00:21:27,744 --> 00:21:30,664
She asked the obvious question,
"You drank?" We said no.
356
00:21:32,416 --> 00:21:35,002
For that's when negotiation
with the grown-up starts.
357
00:21:35,627 --> 00:21:38,755
Yes, first you go, "No, we didn't drink."
And as the grown-up gets angrier...
358
00:21:40,132 --> 00:21:42,092
you fuel up the negotiation.
359
00:21:42,592 --> 00:21:44,428
This is how great empires were founded.
360
00:21:44,678 --> 00:21:46,680
The fucking Mayan Empire,
that's how it started.
361
00:21:47,764 --> 00:21:49,808
"Did you drink?" "No, stupid woman!"
362
00:21:52,602 --> 00:21:54,855
"You didn't? The motherfucker
is shirtless!" "Okay...
363
00:21:58,984 --> 00:21:59,901
touché!
364
00:22:01,445 --> 00:22:02,279
We may...
365
00:22:03,030 --> 00:22:03,989
We just may have...
366
00:22:04,406 --> 00:22:05,365
had a drink.
367
00:22:06,199 --> 00:22:08,076
A little tiny one, with three straws.
368
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:10,203
Not regular straws,
the thin ones for coffee, ma'am."
369
00:22:10,287 --> 00:22:12,414
Turtles didn't go ballistic back then,
come on!
370
00:22:13,665 --> 00:22:14,499
"We only had one."
371
00:22:14,583 --> 00:22:16,293
"One? You reek!"
372
00:22:16,376 --> 00:22:18,378
"Okay, a medium-sized drink. Satisfied?"
373
00:22:19,796 --> 00:22:22,674
So there we were, negotiating,
and I make a pause
374
00:22:23,258 --> 00:22:26,136
to read the situation.
We were in a horrible Cutlass,
375
00:22:27,721 --> 00:22:29,639
an ugly old Cutlass.
376
00:22:30,015 --> 00:22:32,559
Being a Cutlass,
it already smelled like booze...
377
00:22:34,144 --> 00:22:37,022
out of the dealer's.
"Look, it smells like brandy, see?"
378
00:22:40,609 --> 00:22:43,653
We were in the Cutlass, it starts raining.
Vomitrón's mom won't stop screaming.
379
00:22:43,737 --> 00:22:46,198
And Vomitrón is sitting there,
receiving the information.
380
00:22:50,369 --> 00:22:51,328
"Yes, Mom."
381
00:22:51,411 --> 00:22:52,788
Miguel is falling asleep...
382
00:22:54,623 --> 00:22:55,791
"She's not my mom!
383
00:22:57,834 --> 00:22:59,836
No sweat, I couldn't care less."
384
00:23:10,764 --> 00:23:14,142
"La Calle de las Sirenas" is on the radio.
Just imagine.
385
00:23:15,602 --> 00:23:17,813
You're 16, drunk for the first time
386
00:23:17,896 --> 00:23:19,439
and "La Calle de las Sirenas"?
387
00:23:20,482 --> 00:23:22,275
It plays tricks on your mind. I'm there...
388
00:23:22,818 --> 00:23:23,777
being scolded,
389
00:23:23,860 --> 00:23:26,279
"I can't believe it! How could you?"
390
00:23:26,363 --> 00:23:27,280
And I'm there...
391
00:23:31,284 --> 00:23:32,911
Mermaids
392
00:23:33,662 --> 00:23:35,288
In the moon
393
00:23:38,417 --> 00:23:39,751
"Yes, ma'am."
394
00:23:43,797 --> 00:23:45,340
Soaking
395
00:23:46,216 --> 00:23:47,634
Stars
396
00:23:48,176 --> 00:23:50,178
With paint
397
00:23:52,806 --> 00:23:56,059
A thousand princesses dance by
With dresses...
398
00:23:56,143 --> 00:23:58,979
It was hard, so hard to be there.
399
00:24:05,318 --> 00:24:07,195
Then, I see Vomitrón
is having a hard time.
400
00:24:08,572 --> 00:24:10,157
He's really stiff, so strange.
401
00:24:15,328 --> 00:24:18,457
Weird, kind of like jelly,
his head wouldn't move but his body would.
402
00:24:19,541 --> 00:24:22,461
It was his gravity center.
There he was, focusing.
403
00:24:22,544 --> 00:24:24,379
For when she turned the wheel,
it would be...
404
00:24:30,469 --> 00:24:31,386
Speed bump.
405
00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:32,637
Nothing, focused.
406
00:24:35,724 --> 00:24:37,559
All of a sudden, his head starts moving.
407
00:24:41,313 --> 00:24:43,106
There, like a pressure cooker regulator.
408
00:24:47,486 --> 00:24:48,403
The beans are ready!
409
00:24:51,198 --> 00:24:53,074
And he wants to open the window.
410
00:24:55,869 --> 00:24:57,704
But it was a really old Cutlass, remember?
411
00:24:59,247 --> 00:25:00,624
The thing wouldn't come down.
412
00:25:02,209 --> 00:25:03,627
Eight turns per centimeter.
413
00:25:10,091 --> 00:25:11,968
And then, it would go up... so weird.
414
00:25:17,057 --> 00:25:18,433
And halfway open,
415
00:25:19,267 --> 00:25:21,603
in comes one of the most impressive barfs
416
00:25:23,104 --> 00:25:24,981
I've seen in my entire drunkard career.
417
00:25:26,233 --> 00:25:28,151
This thing that only sounded...
418
00:25:28,860 --> 00:25:29,778
and that's it.
419
00:25:33,698 --> 00:25:34,533
That's it.
420
00:25:35,075 --> 00:25:37,077
Like when you drop a one-gallon soda.
421
00:25:41,373 --> 00:25:42,415
There was no...
422
00:25:42,499 --> 00:25:43,333
No.
423
00:25:45,335 --> 00:25:46,294
There was no...
424
00:25:46,545 --> 00:25:47,379
No.
425
00:25:48,296 --> 00:25:50,423
There was no "Grab my hair, man," nothing.
426
00:26:02,686 --> 00:26:03,979
I swear, I hear that sound and...
427
00:26:04,521 --> 00:26:06,231
"Did we hit a dove? What the hell?
428
00:26:07,857 --> 00:26:09,651
Don't kill the wildlife, damn it!
429
00:26:10,193 --> 00:26:12,112
Mankind is so selfish!"
430
00:26:13,113 --> 00:26:14,781
So I turn around
and the whole windshield...
431
00:26:16,283 --> 00:26:17,409
smeared with it.
432
00:26:18,827 --> 00:26:19,744
On the inside.
433
00:26:21,788 --> 00:26:22,706
And the outside.
434
00:26:24,624 --> 00:26:25,834
A scientific marvel!
435
00:26:27,419 --> 00:26:29,170
The vomit hit the windshield...
436
00:26:29,754 --> 00:26:30,714
went out...
437
00:26:31,214 --> 00:26:33,883
and outside it said, "This is cool,"
and came back in.
438
00:26:36,177 --> 00:26:37,929
All purple there.
439
00:26:38,555 --> 00:26:40,515
With white chunks.
440
00:26:41,224 --> 00:26:44,561
Yes, you know, Vomitrón wanted Pingüinos.
441
00:26:47,564 --> 00:26:49,566
There's your Picasso, sir.
442
00:26:51,359 --> 00:26:53,778
Which his mother didn't take well,
obviously.
443
00:26:54,654 --> 00:26:56,406
"This is..."
444
00:26:56,489 --> 00:26:58,116
"Come on, Mom, chill..."
445
00:26:59,326 --> 00:27:00,535
So she has to pull over.
446
00:27:00,619 --> 00:27:03,830
And that's when extreme stupidity started.
447
00:27:04,205 --> 00:27:06,333
We went crazy. I tried to convince her,
448
00:27:06,416 --> 00:27:09,044
"No, Mrs. Vomitrón, the thing is...
449
00:27:11,171 --> 00:27:13,006
We got to Gordo's party,
450
00:27:13,089 --> 00:27:14,549
and you know Gordo...
451
00:27:14,799 --> 00:27:16,885
I mean, it was lame, so we got there,
452
00:27:16,968 --> 00:27:20,096
and it was so boring, we yawned.
453
00:27:20,180 --> 00:27:23,058
And when we yawned, they stuffed
our mouths with alcohol. That's right."
454
00:27:26,603 --> 00:27:28,772
The woman goes ballistic.
She won't stop screaming.
455
00:27:29,397 --> 00:27:30,649
And that's when Vomitrón...
456
00:27:31,983 --> 00:27:32,984
in an act of faith...
457
00:27:34,527 --> 00:27:35,487
in an act of love...
458
00:27:36,529 --> 00:27:37,739
straight from the heart,
459
00:27:38,698 --> 00:27:40,450
wanting to reattach his umbilical cord...
460
00:27:42,285 --> 00:27:45,121
which by then
was fractured by the situation...
461
00:27:47,082 --> 00:27:48,249
takes off his T-shirt...
462
00:27:49,834 --> 00:27:51,586
and starts cleaning the windshield.
463
00:27:54,005 --> 00:27:54,964
Yes, yes.
464
00:27:55,048 --> 00:27:56,007
The inside.
465
00:27:57,842 --> 00:27:59,594
And a little outside, not much.
466
00:27:59,719 --> 00:28:00,595
There he was.
467
00:28:00,679 --> 00:28:02,722
With his fake Aéropostale T-shirt...
468
00:28:04,557 --> 00:28:05,892
which made his mom even angrier.
469
00:28:05,975 --> 00:28:08,186
For who washed Vomitrón's T-shirts?
470
00:28:11,981 --> 00:28:14,275
The woman can't take it anymore.
She steps out of the car.
471
00:28:14,359 --> 00:28:16,986
She's yelling, with hurtful words now.
472
00:28:17,070 --> 00:28:19,698
"You know? That's why I divorced your dad!
473
00:28:19,823 --> 00:28:20,949
This is what he'd do!
474
00:28:21,032 --> 00:28:23,660
You're just like him!
I'm divorcing you! I hate you!"
475
00:28:24,661 --> 00:28:27,956
She's trying to find someone to vent
her rage on, turns around, and her son...
476
00:28:29,666 --> 00:28:31,668
She sees Miguel, fast asleep,
and then she sees me.
477
00:28:33,461 --> 00:28:35,714
So she grabs me by the shirt...
478
00:28:36,965 --> 00:28:38,133
and tells me, "Alejandro!
479
00:28:39,134 --> 00:28:40,593
What are you thinking?
480
00:28:41,219 --> 00:28:43,722
What the fuck are you thinking?"
481
00:28:44,973 --> 00:28:46,391
And I'm, "Ma'am, what am I thinking?
482
00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:50,186
I'm 16, I don't think.
483
00:28:51,980 --> 00:28:54,149
But if you want an answer,
do you know what I'm thinking?
484
00:28:54,232 --> 00:28:56,025
In this ugly Cutlass,
485
00:28:56,109 --> 00:28:57,861
with your son puking, you yelling at me,
486
00:28:57,944 --> 00:28:59,946
this fucker asleep,
do you know what I'm thinking?
487
00:29:01,531 --> 00:29:05,827
A thousand princesses dance by
With dresses that fly by"
488
00:29:20,717 --> 00:29:23,762
Are there any gamers with us tonight?
I love video games.
489
00:29:23,845 --> 00:29:24,804
Where are you?
490
00:29:24,888 --> 00:29:26,473
That's where the virgins are.
491
00:29:27,432 --> 00:29:29,100
All of you think...
492
00:29:30,351 --> 00:29:32,103
"Don't call us virgins, it's not right.
493
00:29:32,187 --> 00:29:33,021
That's not true.
494
00:29:34,022 --> 00:29:36,065
We're not virgins.
We just don't fuck much. Stop it!"
495
00:29:38,359 --> 00:29:40,361
Besides, video games
aren't just for virgins anymore.
496
00:29:40,862 --> 00:29:43,698
People who play them are very violent.
We're crazy.
497
00:29:44,616 --> 00:29:46,951
Have you ever seen two friends play FIFA?
It's madness.
498
00:29:47,952 --> 00:29:49,287
FIFA, the soccer video game.
499
00:29:49,370 --> 00:29:51,748
Two friends,
they lose control just like that.
500
00:29:53,625 --> 00:29:54,959
"Hey, pal.
501
00:29:56,878 --> 00:29:59,547
Want to hang out in your bedroom...
502
00:30:01,925 --> 00:30:04,636
and play some FIFA? Do you?"
503
00:30:05,678 --> 00:30:06,596
What's his reply?
504
00:30:06,679 --> 00:30:08,431
"I'll screw you, let's do it!
505
00:30:11,851 --> 00:30:13,311
I'll fuck you up good.
506
00:30:14,270 --> 00:30:16,022
What I want is to penetrate..." Wait...
507
00:30:18,650 --> 00:30:21,152
"Aren't you buying me dinner first?"
"I'll shove my dick...!"
508
00:30:23,154 --> 00:30:24,113
It's terrible.
509
00:30:24,697 --> 00:30:25,949
Besides, the game is violent.
510
00:30:26,658 --> 00:30:27,951
The game causes more violence.
511
00:30:28,576 --> 00:30:29,577
When someone scores,
512
00:30:29,953 --> 00:30:30,995
they play it back.
513
00:30:33,248 --> 00:30:35,458
And only the one who scored
can make it stop playing back.
514
00:30:37,961 --> 00:30:39,838
It's a Hitler thing. It's crazy.
515
00:30:41,214 --> 00:30:43,842
It's very humiliating
when the other guy scores.
516
00:30:43,925 --> 00:30:45,552
"Goal!"
517
00:30:45,635 --> 00:30:47,720
If only you had the chance to say,
"I'll stop it, fuck!
518
00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:50,765
I know how to make it stop playing back."
519
00:30:50,890 --> 00:30:55,395
"Goal!"
520
00:30:55,562 --> 00:30:56,437
"Stop it, moron!"
521
00:30:56,521 --> 00:30:58,231
"Goal!"
522
00:30:58,606 --> 00:31:00,400
Your friend won't let it go,
523
00:31:01,359 --> 00:31:02,777
it's a moment of glory.
524
00:31:03,736 --> 00:31:06,239
He'll make fun of you.
You're sitting there and he's enjoying it.
525
00:31:06,322 --> 00:31:10,451
"Goal!
526
00:31:11,202 --> 00:31:14,956
Goal!
527
00:31:15,039 --> 00:31:16,875
Who's the man?
528
00:31:16,958 --> 00:31:19,502
Goal!
529
00:31:27,677 --> 00:31:28,761
I brought you a present.
530
00:31:31,014 --> 00:31:33,892
Your birth certificate.
I'm your daddy! Goal!"
531
00:31:35,602 --> 00:31:37,103
Horrible, just horrible.
532
00:31:46,112 --> 00:31:47,780
"I'll screw you." What is that?
533
00:31:48,531 --> 00:31:50,491
I know what it means, but what is that?
534
00:31:52,243 --> 00:31:54,871
We don't listen to the words we say.
535
00:31:55,288 --> 00:31:56,915
Imagine it was true...
536
00:31:57,624 --> 00:32:00,335
That your FIFA match
ended that way, cool.
537
00:32:01,210 --> 00:32:02,086
Right?
538
00:32:02,170 --> 00:32:03,296
Oh, right.
539
00:32:14,223 --> 00:32:16,851
Right? "Okay, cool, just relax.
540
00:32:18,519 --> 00:32:19,771
It's just a game.
541
00:32:21,648 --> 00:32:23,858
Don't overreact. Hi, ma'am.
542
00:32:26,653 --> 00:32:28,780
No, we're playing FIFA.
Yes, just chilling.
543
00:32:29,989 --> 00:32:31,866
Bread and cheese would be great, yes.
544
00:32:32,951 --> 00:32:34,953
No sauce for him...
545
00:32:37,205 --> 00:32:38,164
Yes, ma'am."
546
00:32:39,457 --> 00:32:41,376
"Come on, man, stop crying.
547
00:32:43,378 --> 00:32:44,462
Besides, it's your fault.
548
00:32:45,880 --> 00:32:48,549
It's your fault, man.
You have no coordination
549
00:32:49,133 --> 00:32:52,804
since you fell from the first floor
because they took the ladder away."
550
00:33:11,322 --> 00:33:12,949
We live in a world of opinions.
551
00:33:13,032 --> 00:33:14,575
Everyone has an opinion now.
552
00:33:14,659 --> 00:33:17,704
When I said I was the best comedian
in the world, I know what you thought.
553
00:33:18,496 --> 00:33:21,874
Right? We have an opinion.
It's fine, we all have an opinion.
554
00:33:21,958 --> 00:33:24,460
I think it's too much.
555
00:33:25,503 --> 00:33:28,965
Maybe you don't know, but porn sites
have a comments section now.
556
00:33:29,048 --> 00:33:30,091
There...
557
00:33:31,009 --> 00:33:32,135
on the porn site,
558
00:33:33,177 --> 00:33:34,595
there's a comments section.
559
00:33:35,304 --> 00:33:36,514
And people leave comments.
560
00:33:37,515 --> 00:33:40,893
Should I respect the opinion of someone
with his jeans down to his ankles?
561
00:33:42,979 --> 00:33:45,648
It's kind of weird, "No, I don't agree."
562
00:33:49,694 --> 00:33:51,404
What's wrong with us?
People comment now.
563
00:33:51,487 --> 00:33:53,740
You have your porn
and it has its comments section.
564
00:33:53,823 --> 00:33:56,325
"The lady lacked passion."
565
00:33:58,578 --> 00:34:00,705
Excuse me, Guillermo del Toro...
566
00:34:02,248 --> 00:34:04,333
if you didn't like this masterpiece.
567
00:34:04,792 --> 00:34:06,377
"I didn't like the end."
568
00:34:09,172 --> 00:34:11,549
"I didn't like the end."
I read it, right there.
569
00:34:12,925 --> 00:34:14,135
Besides, we all know
570
00:34:14,218 --> 00:34:16,304
all porn movies end the same way.
571
00:34:17,221 --> 00:34:18,264
They all end the same.
572
00:34:18,347 --> 00:34:20,308
They all end in your tears of sadness.
573
00:34:20,391 --> 00:34:21,726
They all end there...
574
00:34:23,311 --> 00:34:24,771
with you crying.
575
00:34:26,314 --> 00:34:27,398
"I didn't like the end."
576
00:34:27,482 --> 00:34:28,858
It got me thinking.
577
00:34:29,108 --> 00:34:31,110
For, yes, it would be great
578
00:34:31,194 --> 00:34:34,197
if the porn movie
had a more artistic ending.
579
00:34:34,280 --> 00:34:36,032
It would be lovely if you did your thing,
580
00:34:36,115 --> 00:34:37,700
watching the end of your movie,
581
00:34:37,784 --> 00:34:39,994
with the last scene
with a big screen ending.
582
00:34:40,078 --> 00:34:42,997
It would be lovely if you were there,
watching porn, the guy's there...
583
00:34:45,625 --> 00:34:46,584
There he is, right?
584
00:34:48,294 --> 00:34:49,170
The girl there...
585
00:35:08,606 --> 00:35:09,899
"I see dead people."
586
00:35:09,982 --> 00:35:11,067
It would be so great.
587
00:35:13,111 --> 00:35:14,529
It's one way of seeing it.
588
00:35:20,993 --> 00:35:23,955
But when I say everyone has an opinion
589
00:35:24,038 --> 00:35:25,331
and I couldn't care less,
590
00:35:25,414 --> 00:35:27,250
it has a lot to do
with the way I was raised.
591
00:35:27,500 --> 00:35:29,752
I guess I'm bulletproof
against all opinions
592
00:35:29,836 --> 00:35:31,671
because I was born
in a fucking huge family.
593
00:35:31,754 --> 00:35:33,506
I'm the sixth out of six siblings.
594
00:35:33,589 --> 00:35:36,425
Out of six, the last one! The youngest!
595
00:35:37,051 --> 00:35:41,139
Everyone always tried to educate me.
I was raised with everyone's opinion.
596
00:35:41,222 --> 00:35:42,640
When I was little, I once said,
597
00:35:42,723 --> 00:35:43,724
"Dad!
598
00:35:46,435 --> 00:35:47,603
I want to be an actor."
599
00:35:49,689 --> 00:35:51,858
And my dad, straight from the heart,
600
00:35:52,108 --> 00:35:56,028
empathically said, motivating his son,
he told me what a loving father would say,
601
00:35:56,571 --> 00:35:58,906
"Oh, okay, you're going to be gay, then!
602
00:36:01,325 --> 00:36:03,161
Why can't you be an engineer
like your brother,
603
00:36:03,244 --> 00:36:06,914
or an engineer like your brother,
or an engineer like your brother?"
604
00:36:08,332 --> 00:36:10,710
"I'm a psychologist."
"Shut up, we're covering engineers now!"
605
00:36:15,923 --> 00:36:17,300
Parenthesis, we're six.
606
00:36:17,383 --> 00:36:19,927
That means my parents had sex six times.
Yuck!
607
00:36:20,928 --> 00:36:22,263
At least six times.
608
00:36:23,848 --> 00:36:28,060
At least six times my dad told my mom,
"Come, baby." Six times!
609
00:36:31,105 --> 00:36:33,524
I grew up with all these opinions,
but let me tell you...
610
00:36:33,608 --> 00:36:36,444
If you ever have a dream
or want to do something with your life,
611
00:36:36,527 --> 00:36:38,613
want to change something you're doing,
612
00:36:38,696 --> 00:36:41,199
always have someone to support you,
no matter what.
613
00:36:41,282 --> 00:36:43,201
Luckily, among my siblings,
614
00:36:43,284 --> 00:36:45,912
I always had one who gave me his support.
615
00:36:45,995 --> 00:36:48,289
It's rare, you don't just find someone
616
00:36:48,372 --> 00:36:50,166
to support you unconditionally in life.
617
00:36:50,249 --> 00:36:52,126
I think it has something to do...
618
00:36:52,210 --> 00:36:53,961
And it sounds strange, don't frown,
619
00:36:54,045 --> 00:36:56,714
but it may be
because he was born with a disability.
620
00:36:57,715 --> 00:36:59,258
Some laugh back there, fucking great.
621
00:37:00,718 --> 00:37:02,887
"He said 'disabled,' let's laugh.
622
00:37:04,513 --> 00:37:06,432
That's a funny word."
623
00:37:09,769 --> 00:37:12,813
It may sound strange, but my brother Pedro
was born with a disability.
624
00:37:12,897 --> 00:37:14,315
He has cerebral palsy.
625
00:37:14,398 --> 00:37:18,569
So he is disabled,
both mentally and physically.
626
00:37:18,653 --> 00:37:21,572
Let's say he always had
the intelligence of a 12-year-old.
627
00:37:21,656 --> 00:37:24,033
If you think about it, when he was seven,
he was a genius.
628
00:37:24,116 --> 00:37:25,243
But that's not the point.
629
00:37:31,916 --> 00:37:33,125
Let's not digress.
630
00:37:34,627 --> 00:37:39,006
The point is the fucker
always had everyone's love.
631
00:37:39,090 --> 00:37:41,759
He was always cheered on. "You want
to be an actor? Of course you do."
632
00:37:41,842 --> 00:37:43,261
Nothing but love, always.
633
00:37:43,344 --> 00:37:44,512
Just listen to this...
634
00:37:44,679 --> 00:37:45,638
We went to the movies.
635
00:37:45,721 --> 00:37:48,557
I took him to watch Suicide Squad,
and he liked it. That's how much...
636
00:37:51,352 --> 00:37:53,521
unconditional love we're talking about.
637
00:37:54,313 --> 00:37:57,525
He's someone who always supported me.
You should have someone like that.
638
00:37:57,733 --> 00:38:00,569
I've always said comedy
is like a gigantic staircase
639
00:38:00,653 --> 00:38:01,779
with a lot of steps.
640
00:38:01,862 --> 00:38:05,449
You have to climb them little by little,
and you need a support system.
641
00:38:05,533 --> 00:38:08,202
A very important step
is your first special.
642
00:38:08,286 --> 00:38:11,580
I don't know if you've watched it,
but I had a special a few years ago,
643
00:38:11,664 --> 00:38:12,790
on Netflix.
644
00:38:13,124 --> 00:38:14,667
It was there, maybe you watched it.
645
00:38:14,834 --> 00:38:16,502
Yes, some of you did. Great.
646
00:38:17,211 --> 00:38:19,839
Yes, I don't blame you, it wasn't much.
647
00:38:20,506 --> 00:38:21,882
We're getting better. So...
648
00:38:24,010 --> 00:38:26,137
I remember the day
the special was released so well.
649
00:38:26,637 --> 00:38:28,556
It was a truly special day.
650
00:38:28,639 --> 00:38:30,099
I was in Hermosillo
651
00:38:30,182 --> 00:38:31,350
finishing a tour.
652
00:38:31,559 --> 00:38:33,227
I did a tour no one went to.
653
00:38:33,311 --> 00:38:34,270
A tour...
654
00:38:35,021 --> 00:38:36,105
no one went to.
655
00:38:36,397 --> 00:38:37,982
Thirty-five people, I think.
656
00:38:38,065 --> 00:38:40,067
I mean, in total,
if you add up all the cities.
657
00:38:41,736 --> 00:38:43,321
Thirty-five people.
658
00:38:43,404 --> 00:38:46,407
The Hermosillo show ends,
it was great, so I go to the hotel,
659
00:38:46,490 --> 00:38:48,826
for there's not much to do
in Hermosillo and...
660
00:38:50,202 --> 00:38:51,662
That night, I got a call
661
00:38:51,746 --> 00:38:53,789
that changed my life forever.
662
00:38:53,873 --> 00:38:55,541
My sister called
663
00:38:55,624 --> 00:38:57,209
and told me, "Hey, I know...
664
00:38:57,668 --> 00:39:00,296
that your special is coming out today,
and that it's very important,
665
00:39:00,379 --> 00:39:02,048
but I have some news for you.
666
00:39:02,298 --> 00:39:04,008
Pedro, our brother,
667
00:39:04,091 --> 00:39:05,926
was just told he has esophageal cancer."
668
00:39:08,763 --> 00:39:09,597
And...
669
00:39:10,014 --> 00:39:11,807
I know what you're thinking now.
670
00:39:12,058 --> 00:39:14,435
You're thinking,
"Oh, now he's going to get dramatic."
671
00:39:16,854 --> 00:39:18,564
Yes, it is going to get dramatic.
672
00:39:19,482 --> 00:39:21,567
Welcome, you paid your ticket for cancer.
673
00:39:21,650 --> 00:39:22,818
We're here, there you go.
674
00:39:23,694 --> 00:39:25,946
Welcome to Cancerland. Let's talk...
675
00:39:28,824 --> 00:39:30,701
It's weird, because they tell me this news
676
00:39:30,785 --> 00:39:33,037
and the first thing you think about
with cancer is why.
677
00:39:33,120 --> 00:39:35,206
"Why?" is the first question you ask.
678
00:39:35,289 --> 00:39:36,374
"Why my brother,
679
00:39:36,457 --> 00:39:39,251
who didn't lie, didn't do drugs,
didn't drink, who always gave love?
680
00:39:39,335 --> 00:39:41,837
Why him and not Donald Trump?"
Just a thought here, I don't know.
681
00:39:44,090 --> 00:39:45,925
And there's no answer to that, guys.
682
00:39:46,008 --> 00:39:48,761
And it's strange I'm here
talking about cancer,
683
00:39:48,844 --> 00:39:50,930
but I think we have to talk about cancer,
684
00:39:51,013 --> 00:39:52,681
it's a very common disease.
685
00:39:52,765 --> 00:39:55,142
But for some reason,
no one speaks about cancer.
686
00:39:56,560 --> 00:39:59,146
It's a whispered sickness.
687
00:40:00,439 --> 00:40:02,608
Let's see. Obesity,
hypertension, diabetes,
688
00:40:02,691 --> 00:40:04,151
top cause of death in the nation.
689
00:40:04,235 --> 00:40:08,114
And I've never seen diabetes
being taboo, "Hey...
690
00:40:09,073 --> 00:40:10,950
my dear Luis, what can I say?
691
00:40:12,701 --> 00:40:14,036
Well...
692
00:40:16,539 --> 00:40:18,082
If you ever need anything...
693
00:40:19,500 --> 00:40:22,086
except for food, whatever you want,
we're here for you."
694
00:40:23,337 --> 00:40:24,296
It just doesn't happen.
695
00:40:24,672 --> 00:40:26,090
It doesn't happen with Luis.
696
00:40:29,051 --> 00:40:31,512
I'm not saying it isn't
a horrible disease, it is.
697
00:40:31,595 --> 00:40:34,932
But we've learned to live with it,
and we never speak about cancer.
698
00:40:35,891 --> 00:40:36,976
Raise your hand here,
699
00:40:37,059 --> 00:40:38,519
don't be shy, if you're...
700
00:40:39,728 --> 00:40:42,440
a cancer patient
or know anyone who has had cancer.
701
00:40:42,523 --> 00:40:44,900
Raise your hand
and keep it raised to see...
702
00:40:44,984 --> 00:40:46,652
Leave it up there, don't put it down.
703
00:40:46,735 --> 00:40:49,780
The rest of you who didn't raise
your hand, look around you
704
00:40:49,864 --> 00:40:51,365
and take a look at the sheer numbers.
705
00:40:52,283 --> 00:40:53,325
Cancer exists.
706
00:40:53,951 --> 00:40:55,327
Thanks. But we don't talk about it.
707
00:40:55,744 --> 00:40:57,830
It's a really ugly process
708
00:40:57,913 --> 00:41:01,500
where I realized that your family
either comes together or it splits up.
709
00:41:02,042 --> 00:41:03,669
Fortunately, mine came together.
710
00:41:03,961 --> 00:41:05,880
And really together. I think it did...
711
00:41:06,338 --> 00:41:08,132
Yes, it really bonded.
712
00:41:09,133 --> 00:41:11,260
Four WhatsApp groups.
713
00:41:12,386 --> 00:41:14,722
The same family, four WhatsApp groups.
714
00:41:15,097 --> 00:41:18,976
See your horrible family group,
the hell you live on your cell phone?
715
00:41:19,059 --> 00:41:20,436
Multiply it by four, that was me.
716
00:41:21,687 --> 00:41:23,731
So tight. There was a group
with everyone in it.
717
00:41:23,814 --> 00:41:25,232
The siblings, our parents,
718
00:41:25,316 --> 00:41:26,442
uncles, dogs...
719
00:41:26,525 --> 00:41:27,651
everyone.
720
00:41:27,943 --> 00:41:29,361
Such a motivational group.
721
00:41:29,445 --> 00:41:32,281
"Yes, of course, we'll fight it,
it'll be all right.
722
00:41:32,364 --> 00:41:34,325
'Cancer' with 'C' for 'courage,'
bring it on!"
723
00:41:34,408 --> 00:41:35,367
There they were.
724
00:41:39,830 --> 00:41:41,415
Then, there was a group with less people
725
00:41:41,499 --> 00:41:43,834
who'd say,
"Hey, we're not doing that great.
726
00:41:44,960 --> 00:41:48,214
Don't tell the dogs. We're hanging
in there, just don't tell the dogs."
727
00:41:48,923 --> 00:41:51,926
Then there was the small group,
where you had to pay.
728
00:41:52,259 --> 00:41:53,636
People kept dropping out.
729
00:41:53,719 --> 00:41:56,722
"So or so has left the group."
730
00:41:57,556 --> 00:42:00,643
And in the end, one where I'd send memes
to myself and stuff like that,
731
00:42:01,560 --> 00:42:04,063
just for motivation. There I was.
732
00:42:06,273 --> 00:42:07,942
Dealing with such a tight family is weird.
733
00:42:08,025 --> 00:42:10,486
Ironically, it was
in such an adverse situation
734
00:42:10,569 --> 00:42:12,571
when my family was the tightest.
735
00:42:12,738 --> 00:42:14,615
It's strange, really weird.
736
00:42:14,698 --> 00:42:17,451
Blood donations were needed
for my brother's operation.
737
00:42:17,535 --> 00:42:20,329
I don't know if you know
about esophageal cancer surgery. It's...
738
00:42:20,621 --> 00:42:21,914
so extreme.
739
00:42:21,997 --> 00:42:24,166
They take the esophagus
together with the tumor.
740
00:42:24,542 --> 00:42:27,211
Then they make a new esophagus
with your stomach.
741
00:42:28,254 --> 00:42:29,171
It's now possible.
742
00:42:31,257 --> 00:42:34,176
You can tell the doctor,
"I want a hand here, please.
743
00:42:35,302 --> 00:42:38,264
Just look at me fucking using it!"
744
00:42:41,308 --> 00:42:43,310
And for this operation,
blood donations were needed.
745
00:42:43,394 --> 00:42:45,646
So one of my brothers posts on the group,
746
00:42:45,729 --> 00:42:48,399
"I'm not donating, I have blue blood."
747
00:42:52,861 --> 00:42:54,071
I mean... sorry.
748
00:42:55,030 --> 00:42:56,031
But I read that
749
00:42:56,907 --> 00:42:58,534
as the family comedian...
750
00:43:03,080 --> 00:43:04,540
and it sounds like an insult.
751
00:43:05,624 --> 00:43:06,834
"Fuck, you're an engineer!
752
00:43:08,627 --> 00:43:10,796
Stick to engineering, don't fuck with me!"
753
00:43:12,923 --> 00:43:14,300
I was so mad I thought,
754
00:43:14,383 --> 00:43:16,719
"No, I must have the last word.
755
00:43:16,802 --> 00:43:18,554
The punch line is mine."
756
00:43:18,637 --> 00:43:19,597
So I write,
757
00:43:19,680 --> 00:43:22,057
"I'm not donating
because I have syphilis."
758
00:43:24,518 --> 00:43:25,603
I didn't give a damn.
759
00:43:33,527 --> 00:43:36,071
I didn't realize I'd sent it to the group
with kids in it.
760
00:43:38,198 --> 00:43:39,450
They asked,
761
00:43:39,533 --> 00:43:41,243
"What's syphilis, uncle?"
762
00:43:42,036 --> 00:43:44,830
"Don't worry, cousin, I'm investigating.
Here's some images."
763
00:43:44,913 --> 00:43:45,789
And we got them.
764
00:43:50,210 --> 00:43:52,212
Donating blood is so hard. It really is.
765
00:43:52,463 --> 00:43:54,673
It's easier to get your visa.
766
00:43:55,633 --> 00:43:57,635
At least there's hope you'll get one.
767
00:43:58,135 --> 00:43:59,261
They give you a questionnaire
768
00:44:00,304 --> 00:44:02,640
with a bunch of questions.
It starts really friendly.
769
00:44:02,723 --> 00:44:05,017
The blood questionnaire is like,
"Yes, bring it on.
770
00:44:06,727 --> 00:44:09,480
Yes, all blood types are welcome. Do it!"
771
00:44:10,147 --> 00:44:12,232
And little by little, it starts meddling.
772
00:44:12,316 --> 00:44:14,777
First question, "Are you all right today?"
773
00:44:19,239 --> 00:44:20,449
"Well, yes." Right?
774
00:44:21,700 --> 00:44:23,702
"Yes, there's this cancer thing, but...
775
00:44:24,953 --> 00:44:26,997
With a 'C' for 'courage'. Yes, yes."
776
00:44:29,458 --> 00:44:30,876
Next question,
777
00:44:30,959 --> 00:44:32,503
"Do you have a cold?
778
00:44:33,671 --> 00:44:35,506
Is your nose runny? Do you feel...?"
779
00:44:35,589 --> 00:44:37,466
"No, we're feeling great."
780
00:44:37,758 --> 00:44:40,511
"Does your belly ache,
your stomach, your intestines?"
781
00:44:40,594 --> 00:44:41,595
"No, no."
782
00:44:42,304 --> 00:44:44,682
Next question, "Are you homosexual?"
783
00:44:47,643 --> 00:44:49,645
"Man! Why are you screaming
at me, questionnaire?"
784
00:44:52,481 --> 00:44:53,399
I mean, no,
785
00:44:53,607 --> 00:44:54,733
but what if I was?
786
00:44:54,817 --> 00:44:57,653
If you're gay, you have frappuccino
instead of blood or what?
787
00:44:59,905 --> 00:45:00,906
"No.
788
00:45:01,490 --> 00:45:03,575
And I'm not feeling so well anymore.
Half a point here.
789
00:45:05,494 --> 00:45:09,248
I'll be fair with this questionnaire.
There we go."
790
00:45:09,748 --> 00:45:13,001
Next question... And I swear
it had this question.
791
00:45:13,085 --> 00:45:15,796
"Have you used bloody sexual toys?"
792
00:45:18,298 --> 00:45:19,341
What is that?
793
00:45:21,009 --> 00:45:23,137
I mean, I know what it is,
but what is that?
794
00:45:24,930 --> 00:45:26,515
It sounds like a senator party.
795
00:45:29,143 --> 00:45:31,103
How does the bloody sexual toy work?
796
00:45:31,186 --> 00:45:33,689
You go to the sex shop, buy your dildo,
drop it in blood...
797
00:45:34,982 --> 00:45:37,568
and say, "I don't care,
I'll use it anyway."
798
00:45:40,028 --> 00:45:41,029
"No."
799
00:45:42,072 --> 00:45:45,409
Next question,
"Have you been raped recently?"
800
00:45:49,121 --> 00:45:50,289
Never mind "raped"...
801
00:45:52,124 --> 00:45:53,167
"recently"?
802
00:45:57,379 --> 00:46:00,591
This questionnaire has no memory.
Just as Mexico, it really forgets.
803
00:46:02,968 --> 00:46:03,886
It's bad.
804
00:46:08,182 --> 00:46:09,391
"Recently"!
805
00:46:09,892 --> 00:46:12,895
The worst part is I read it,
"Have you been raped recently?"
806
00:46:13,312 --> 00:46:14,605
And I go, "Yes...
807
00:46:15,898 --> 00:46:18,233
I played FIFA and lost the other day!
You know what happens."
808
00:46:21,153 --> 00:46:22,070
Anyway...
809
00:46:24,490 --> 00:46:27,201
I didn't donate blood,
but I won't tell you why.
810
00:46:27,993 --> 00:46:29,828
Yes, don't be nosy.
811
00:46:32,498 --> 00:46:35,292
So, I went to my brother's hospital room.
And I think...
812
00:46:35,834 --> 00:46:39,004
that was one of the most critical moments
in the entire process.
813
00:46:39,087 --> 00:46:42,466
The second they took him to surgery.
814
00:46:42,800 --> 00:46:45,469
It's heavy. It's hard to see someone
815
00:46:45,719 --> 00:46:47,679
you love so much being taken to surgery
816
00:46:47,763 --> 00:46:49,973
with 50% chance of living,
817
00:46:50,057 --> 00:46:51,600
50% of dying,
818
00:46:51,683 --> 00:46:54,144
zero percent didn't answer.
Just picture that.
819
00:46:55,312 --> 00:46:56,939
It's raw data. So...
820
00:46:57,606 --> 00:46:59,691
They're taking my brother,
821
00:46:59,775 --> 00:47:01,777
and we each reacted in our own way.
822
00:47:01,902 --> 00:47:03,987
This is another lesson I learned,
823
00:47:04,071 --> 00:47:06,114
we each react to cancer in our own way.
824
00:47:06,198 --> 00:47:08,784
If you want, you tell jokes.
You can cry if you want.
825
00:47:08,867 --> 00:47:12,287
And it's fine, it's beyond our control.
826
00:47:12,663 --> 00:47:14,331
That's why I also talk about it here.
827
00:47:14,414 --> 00:47:17,292
Comedy helps us cope
with things we don't understand.
828
00:47:17,876 --> 00:47:19,795
So, they take my brother,
829
00:47:19,878 --> 00:47:22,756
and then, someone starts crying,
others start talking...
830
00:47:22,840 --> 00:47:25,592
Me? I didn't understand what was going on.
831
00:47:25,676 --> 00:47:27,678
I had to go and lean on a wall.
832
00:47:28,262 --> 00:47:29,638
I was out of breath.
833
00:47:30,264 --> 00:47:31,181
And I swear,
834
00:47:31,849 --> 00:47:34,810
the importance of your family
coming together is right there and then,
835
00:47:34,893 --> 00:47:37,479
for I'm going through
the worst moment of my life,
836
00:47:37,896 --> 00:47:41,108
and suddenly, my 12-year-old niece
spots me from across the room,
837
00:47:41,358 --> 00:47:42,317
walks to me,
838
00:47:42,568 --> 00:47:44,319
and gives me...
839
00:47:44,820 --> 00:47:47,072
the strongest hug
anyone has ever given me.
840
00:47:47,155 --> 00:47:49,032
The most loving hug
anyone has ever given me,
841
00:47:49,116 --> 00:47:51,159
the most heartfelt hug
anyone has ever given me,
842
00:47:51,743 --> 00:47:52,744
and says, "Uncle...
843
00:47:53,704 --> 00:47:54,788
don't worry,
844
00:47:55,205 --> 00:47:57,082
I'm sure your syphilis will go away."
845
00:47:59,459 --> 00:48:00,335
Brilliant.
846
00:48:18,520 --> 00:48:19,479
Kids.
847
00:48:21,398 --> 00:48:22,316
I'd love...
848
00:48:22,733 --> 00:48:24,401
to tell you this story ends well.
849
00:48:24,484 --> 00:48:27,154
But unfortunately,
after a year and a half
850
00:48:27,237 --> 00:48:30,282
with esophageal cancer
that turned our lives around,
851
00:48:30,616 --> 00:48:31,742
mine and my family's,
852
00:48:31,825 --> 00:48:34,286
my brother Pedro passed away.
853
00:48:34,786 --> 00:48:37,831
After 10 chemotherapies,
40 radiotherapies,
854
00:48:37,915 --> 00:48:40,208
after having surgery,
855
00:48:40,292 --> 00:48:42,669
which he recovered from like a champ.
856
00:48:43,545 --> 00:48:44,630
And at no point,
857
00:48:45,255 --> 00:48:49,259
at no point along that year and a half,
throughout the entire treatment,
858
00:48:49,343 --> 00:48:50,761
did he stop giving us love,
859
00:48:50,844 --> 00:48:53,972
did he stop loving us,
did he ever stop giving us his support.
860
00:48:54,056 --> 00:48:55,766
Just so you know the size
861
00:48:56,183 --> 00:48:57,434
of that dude's heart,
862
00:48:58,143 --> 00:49:00,979
we were about three-quarters
along the treatment,
863
00:49:01,355 --> 00:49:03,440
he loses a lot of weight, gets pneumonia,
864
00:49:03,982 --> 00:49:05,150
so we have to hospitalize him.
865
00:49:05,233 --> 00:49:08,070
So I stay with him that night
at the hospital.
866
00:49:08,487 --> 00:49:09,321
And...
867
00:49:10,113 --> 00:49:12,449
as the nurse washed him and dressed him,
868
00:49:12,532 --> 00:49:15,285
they were chatting.
Pedro was a chatterbox.
869
00:49:15,619 --> 00:49:16,495
And...
870
00:49:16,828 --> 00:49:18,121
He tells the nurse,
871
00:49:18,205 --> 00:49:19,915
"Hey, do you know Alex Fernández?"
872
00:49:21,124 --> 00:49:23,043
The nurse says,
"Who the hell is that loser?"
873
00:49:25,671 --> 00:49:26,755
I don't blame her.
874
00:49:29,049 --> 00:49:29,967
And...
875
00:49:30,550 --> 00:49:31,718
My brother tells her,
876
00:49:31,927 --> 00:49:34,930
"You don't know who he is?
He's the guy outside the door.
877
00:49:35,138 --> 00:49:36,181
He's a comedian.
878
00:49:36,264 --> 00:49:39,059
In fact, he's the best comedian
in the world."
879
00:49:42,020 --> 00:49:42,938
And...
880
00:49:43,480 --> 00:49:44,690
So if Pedro says so...
881
00:49:45,691 --> 00:49:46,566
I believe it.
882
00:49:46,692 --> 00:49:47,693
Thank you very much.
883
00:49:47,776 --> 00:49:48,777
Good night.
884
00:49:48,860 --> 00:49:53,657
WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY ALEX FERNÁNDEZ
885
00:50:16,430 --> 00:50:18,015
Thank you very much! Thanks for coming!
886
00:50:18,098 --> 00:50:20,100
Fuck cancer! Good night!
887
00:50:51,590 --> 00:50:55,761
IN LOVING MEMORY OF PEDRO,
THE BEST BROTHER IN THE WORLD
888
00:50:57,512 --> 00:51:00,432
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