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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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Look.
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Jack! Jack!
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-Jack, can you sign this for me, please?
-Jack--
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- Oh!
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What?
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Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stand back.
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Whoa!
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Ladies and gentlemen,
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please go wild and crazy,
and welcome to the stage
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Mr. Jack Whitehall!
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Hello, Wembley!
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Wow, it doesn't get
any more prestigious than this.
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I'm quite nervous. I'm quite nervous.
I've got to be frank with you,
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I have a history of cocking up
prestigious gigs.
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The most I have ever bombed on stage
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was when I was booked
to do Prince Charles' Christmas party.
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It was exactly as weird as it sounds.
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The first thing that was weird
about this gig is that I walked out,
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Charles and Camilla
were sat in the front row,
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in high-backed chairs.
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I was thinking: "You are aware
this is real life, not Game of Thrones?"
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Also, don't sit in the front row.
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The front row as a comedian
is the get-out-of-jail-free card.
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If the jokes aren't working,
you talk to the front row.
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Ask them what they do for a living.
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I can't ask Prince Charles
what he does for a living.
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He is the most famous
unemployed man on the planet.
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"What do you do for a living?"
"Just sort of sit around,
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wait for my parent to die."
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"Me too."
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So I can't do
the "what's your job?" crowd work,
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'cause my front row
is a couple on benefits.
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I'm glad you laughed.
I'm not gonna lie,
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on the night,
it did not go down well.
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Meghan was the only one laughing
which, if anything, made it worse.
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The other weird thing about this gig is
that they didn't give me a microphone,
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which is literally
the only thing I need as a comedian.
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'Cause this is the only thing
that gives me status over you.
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Without this, I am just...
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the crazy guy shouting on the high street!
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With this: "Hi, I'm here to talk to you
about politics."
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Without it: "I'm here
to talk to you about Jesus!"
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No microphone, right?
They're in the front row.
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Forty-five minutes, I had to do.
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Forty-five minutes of dancing around
in front of the royal family
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like I was the court-fucking-jester.
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My final indignity occurred, though,
after the gig.
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Now, as a comedian, you know
when you have had a bad show.
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You do not need to be told it.
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You especially do not need to be
bantered by the future King of England.
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I was introduced to Prince Charles.
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Do you know what the first thing was
that he said to me?
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"I think next year we'll try a magician."
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Cheeky fucker!
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It's fine, it's fine. I hooked him up
with my friends at Magic Mike.
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Camilla bloody loved them.
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Know your crowd. The lesson
that I learned that night.
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It's important as a comedian.
It's hard when you're traveling.
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I've been living in America.
Do we have any Americans?
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Whoa, okay.
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Yes, they're certainly American.
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Okay, please don't shoot.
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No... Applaud all you want. Sir...
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Sir, they can applaud.
I'm still trying to break America.
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There is no way
that comment is ending up in the special.
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Over my dead body.
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Figure of speech.
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I come in peace.
I love America. It's an amazing place.
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And do you know
what I've come to realize?
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Americans, you basically
do everything that we do,
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but you do it bigger,
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and you do it better.
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Like, we have stupid people here...
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but your stupid people are world class.
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And that is not me saying:
"All Americans are stupid."
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No, America also has
the smartest people on the planet.
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What I'm saying is
that when America does stupid,
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you do stupid.
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Like, our village idiot is in a park,
shouting at clouds.
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Yours is president.
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The world is becoming
a dumber place.
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You know how you know this?
You know this from signs.
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I'll give you an example.
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I was in Tucson, Arizona.
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And I went down for breakfast in my hotel,
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and there was a sign on the toaster
in this hotel that said:
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"Please butter bread..."
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"...after use."
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If you do not know
that you are meant to butter your toast
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after it has been toasted,
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you should not be allowed
anywhere near a toaster,
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unless you are taking it with you
into a bath.
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To be fair, right? This sign was affixed
to the worst invention
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that mankind has ever created.
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Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the hotel...
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conveyor belt toaster.
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No one in this entire 10,000-strong arena
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has ever made a decent piece of toast
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on the hotel conveyor belt toaster.
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Unfathomably shit.
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And handily fitted with a small window,
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so you can witness your misery
play out in slow motion.
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First time through.
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Whoosh!
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Still bread.
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Second time through.
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Whoosh!
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Barely warm.
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Third time through.
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Burnt to a crisp!
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There is literally no setting
to get it right.
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It's like putting a ginger on a sunbed,
it's impossible.
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And there's always a queue
out into the lobby
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'cause you got stuck behind some old man
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that thought it was a good idea
to put in a bagel.
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A bagel? Are you out of
your fucking mind, Granddad?
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If you wanted a bagel toasted
in that machine in time for breakfast,
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it needed to go in a week ago.
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By the time that's toast,
you might be as well.
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Then it's like they went:
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"Oh, how can we make
this machine even shitter?
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I know, let's have
your piece of crappy toast
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be delivered
onto a little tray underneath it
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that we set at a slight angle,
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so your piece of shitty toast is sent
flying straight onto the bloody floor."
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You see people waiting for it to pop out,
like fielders in the slip cordon.
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"Oh, this is going to be
a slippery catch to take."
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"Why's that?"
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"Well, I'm one of those psychopaths
that likes to butter the bread before."
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It wasn't even the worst sign that I saw.
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The worst sign that I saw was
in the same hotel, but it was by the pool.
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I went down to the hotel pool
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to have a lovely, refreshing dip
in the hotel pool,
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when I read a sign,
ladies and gentlemen,
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that stopped me in my tracks,
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and it chilled me to the core.
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It read like this:
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"Would you please
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refrain from entering
the hotel swimming pool
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if you have
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active...
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diarrhea."
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Well, thank you very much
for putting me off this,
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or indeed, any swimming pool ever again.
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Because that sign can only exist...
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because someone did.
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How is that something that we need
a sign to remind us of?
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Don't get me wrong, I like swimming
as much as the next man.
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But I accept that if I am
in the clutches of an attack...
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of active diarrhea,
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there are certain activities
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that I will not be participating in
for a short while.
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Swimming,
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trampolining,
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horseback riding, skydiving,
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probably tandem skydiving as well.
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I personally am the kind of person
that lives his life governed by the fear
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that I might, one day,
shit myself in public.
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Case in point, every time I'm in a car
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and I do not realize
that the heated seat is on,
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I'm like: "Fuck, today's the day."
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Also, more importantly,
what on earth does this phrase even mean?
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Active diarrhea. As opposed to what?
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Inactive diarrhea?
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"Yes, we've had diarrhea in the family
for generations.
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My great-grandfather traveled to India,
picked up a bit of the old Delhi belly,
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but fortunately,
as he got the dormant kind,
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none of us have ever soiled ourselves."
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I can only assume that active diarrhea
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means it is literally
coming out of your ass.
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If that is the case,
and for some baffling reason
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you have decided
that your best chance of salvation
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is the crowded hotel swimming pool,
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I don't think you're the kind of fucker
that stops to read a sign.
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"What's this? 'No running, no diving...'
But ah, yes, nothing about shitting.
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Well, bombs away."
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This is the world that we live in, though.
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We have to care about everyone's feelings,
everyone's tolerances,
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everyone's intolerances,
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everyone's... dietary... requirements.
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I'll tell you where it's gone too far,
and I have to be the person to say this.
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For the love of God...
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we have got enough...
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milks now.
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Would everyone stop
milking shit?
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I went to buy coffee recently.
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Near to where I live, in London,
a very rough part of London
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called Notting Hill.
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I went in there.
I have very straightforward coffee tastes.
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It should have been
a very straightforward transaction.
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It was anything but.
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I went in there. I was like:
"Hello, I'd like a white coffee, please."
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"Okay, sir, what kind of milk
would you like with your coffee?
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We've got a coconut milk,
we've got an almond nut milk,
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we've got hazelnut milk,
we've got cashew milk,
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we've got a macadamia nut milk,
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we've got oat, rice, hemp, soy milk.
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You can have it from a bean,
pulse, nut, grain, oat, lax,
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from a leaf, seed, tree."
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"I'd like it from a nipple, please."
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"I don't care what type of nipple.
Preferably a cow's, but I'm not fussy.
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I'll take it
from whatever nipple I can get."
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She looked at me like I had requested it
from hers.
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Like I was the weirdo. I'm not the weirdo.
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You're the one in the back
of the shop with your friends,
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milking fucking cashew nuts.
You're the freaks, not me.
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I do not, for one moment,
doubt that lactose intolerance
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is a very grave and pressing issue
for humanity.
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But lest I remind you,
we currently don't have a cure for cancer,
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and there are 12 readily available
milk substitutes on the market
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which, I would argue,
is 11 more than we need.
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And look, we're all having fun.
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I don't want to turn my special
into a TED Talk.
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But I'm about to hit you up
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with some
pretty sophisticated science here.
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Milk must come... from a tit.
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Last time I checked, the almond?
Pretty flat-chested.
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You are drinking... nut juice.
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Oh, dear.
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I worry this may be
a little bit of a London problem.
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On this tour that I've been doing...
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I bring this up 'cause I was
in the northeast of England
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and we were doing a show there,
and we were staying
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in this tiny, little hotel
in the middle of nowhere.
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It was amazing.
There was a slightly older gentleman
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that was serving us breakfast
at this hotel.
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And my tour manager, Johnny,
asked him about the milk situation.
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He got the best response
I have ever heard.
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He was like: "Excuse me,
what are the milk options?"
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The guy went: "Hot...
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or cold."
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Where are the dairy drinkers in?
Who's a dairy drinker here this evening?
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You do realize we are the smokers of 2020?
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Seriously. Watch as we get
slowly ostracized from society.
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They'll give us our own designated areas
to go and drink our dirty titty milk in.
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00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:09,000
They'll have warnings soon,
like with the cigarettes.
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You'll go into the supermarket,
pick up a carton of milk,
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there'll be a sticker on it:
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00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:15,920
"Warning, may cause
healthy bones and teeth."
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00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:21,440
And don't you dare,
don't you dare, in 2020,
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drink your disgusting titty milk...
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through a plastic straw.
245
00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:33,360
Oh, no, no, you may as well be sucking it
directly from the devil's dick.
246
00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:38,200
I got that lecture recently
from a friend,
247
00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:41,080
a friend
who's the classic environmental hypocrite.
248
00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:43,280
I don't know
if you've come across this woman.
249
00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:46,280
She gives it all the:
"Yeah, I've got my reusable coffee cup
250
00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:51,040
and my reusable water bottle,
all in my eco-friendly grocery bag."
251
00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:54,000
You drove here in a fucking Hummer.
252
00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:00,360
She comes at me about the straw:
253
00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:03,760
"Jack, you can't use
a plastic straw anymore.
254
00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:06,840
What about the environment?
What about the wildlife?
255
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:08,880
You need a reusable straw."
I was like:
256
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:12,520
"Okay, fine, understood." I went,
I got myself a reusable straw.
257
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:15,120
It's made of ivory.
It works a fucking treat.
258
00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:20,680
Doing my bit, doing my bit.
Don't use a coffee cup anymore,
259
00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:24,360
I take my turtle shell into Starbucks.
I'm like: "Fill that bad boy up."
260
00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:27,360
And I've started recycling condoms, so...
261
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:30,840
Yeah, the big man knows
what I'm talking about.
262
00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:34,280
Quick rinse, get rid of any nut juice,
stick it on the washing line.
263
00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:35,960
It's a bag for life.
264
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:40,440
We've got to do our bit.
Do our bit now.
265
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:43,640
I had the vegan Impossible Burger
the other day.
266
00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:45,920
Oh, my God, amazing. Here's the twist.
267
00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:50,280
Tastes just like
a regular hamburger, but...
268
00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:53,320
it's the price of two hamburgers.
269
00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:55,720
And guilt-free.
270
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:59,560
Plus, you can get any topping you like.
I went for bacon and foie gras. Mmm!
271
00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:04,320
'Cause that, is the answer.
We should all be going vegan.
272
00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:07,720
My uh... flatmate, Hugo, recently...
273
00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:12,240
Of course, Hugo.
I'm just a normal guy. No.
274
00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:16,320
The Hugester, he's great.
Um... he lives in the east wing and...
275
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:19,920
Anyway, he's a vegan,
but here's the thing.
276
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:21,480
He didn't want to call himself a vegan
277
00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:24,320
'cause he was worried that some
of his friends might give him shit. Moi.
278
00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:27,600
So... instead of calling himself a vegan,
279
00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:30,640
Hugo decided
that he was going to identify as...
280
00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:33,280
Get ready for it
because it is a humdinger.
281
00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:36,440
...plant-positive.
282
00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:40,480
Ah, nice work, Hugo.
283
00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:44,600
Successfully sidestepped
the wanker bullet there, didn't we?
284
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:48,640
And it's now literally every other word
out of his mouth.
285
00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:50,880
He's like: "Jack, you can make
as many jokes as you like
286
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:52,720
about me being plant-positive.
287
00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:55,280
I'm going to live
ten years longer than you."
288
00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:59,160
"Yeah, not if you keep calling yourself
plant-positive around me.
289
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:02,000
I will smother you in your sleep.
290
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:05,720
Actually, I won't even need
to smother you now. You're a vegan.
291
00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:09,640
I'll just place the cushion on your face,
you'll be too weak to lift it off."
292
00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:14,760
"You're suffocating me."
293
00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:17,040
"No, just making you oxygen-negative."
294
00:18:26,120 --> 00:18:28,240
It's no good crying over spilt nut juice.
295
00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:31,280
Where are the vegans at?
We got vegans in?
296
00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:34,280
Okay, an army of them. Oh, dear.
297
00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:37,600
I'm going to get booed off stage
in a hail of tofu. I--
298
00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:42,600
I'm sorry. Honestly, I am.
I come in peace, okay?
299
00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:45,920
I don't want any beef,
and, quite frankly, neither do you.
300
00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:49,680
Vegan-bashing, that's what that was.
301
00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:52,440
And it is, excuse the pun,
low-hanging fruit.
302
00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:56,360
Because there is no denying,
your life choice,
303
00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:59,600
Hundred percent better for you,
better for the world.
304
00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:03,840
I also know why... human beings
have a pop at vegans.
305
00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:06,480
It's a very simple human instinct.
As human beings,
306
00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:08,840
we basically just can't bear anyone else
307
00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:12,520
that has exercised
any degree of self-control.
308
00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:15,880
And you all fucking do it.
309
00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:18,840
Doesn't matter what that self-control is.
310
00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:22,240
Someone that's become a vegan,
someone that's given up drinking,
311
00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:24,040
someone that's running a marathon,
312
00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:26,880
someone that has started cycling to work.
313
00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:29,840
Your mouth goes: "Oh, good for you."
314
00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:31,640
And your head goes:
315
00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:33,200
"Cunt."
316
00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:44,320
Because we don't want people
#LivingTheirBestLife.
317
00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:47,840
We want them
#LivingASlightlyShittierLifeThanUs,
318
00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:51,920
so we can feel better
about our pathetic existence.
319
00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:56,880
That's why all those dickheads
get wound up by Greta Thunberg.
320
00:19:57,120 --> 00:20:02,680
I mean, talk about living your best life.
She has put the entire world to shame.
321
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:07,640
That girl is a boss. She is a child. Yes.
322
00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:15,200
She is a child and she has raised
a global climate change revolution.
323
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:18,360
When I was a child,
I couldn't raise a Tamagotchi.
324
00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:21,600
She's at the UN, telling them:
325
00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:24,240
"We need to save the planet
through radical action."
326
00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:28,160
I was like: "Mommy, it's making
a funny noise and asking me to feed it,
327
00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:29,320
what do I do?"
328
00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:32,080
"Just send it to boarding school."
329
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,880
We also have no excuse now.
It's never been easier
330
00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:40,800
to be a better citizen of the world.
331
00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:42,640
I was in the supermarket recently.
332
00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:48,040
Not Waitrose, or Whole Foods,
before you start judging me.
333
00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:50,720
Sorry to disappoint,
Not doing Waitrose jokes.
334
00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:52,920
Been told to cut them out.
For real.
335
00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:55,760
After my last tour,
my manager took me aside and said:
336
00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:58,560
"Jack, your reference points
are a little unrelatable.
337
00:20:58,680 --> 00:21:01,840
If you ever want to be a comedian
you know, a man of the people,
338
00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:04,400
cut out the Waitrose stuff."
So, understood.
339
00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:06,440
'Cause I'm a normal guy.
340
00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:10,000
So the other day, I was
in the supermarket, my favorite,
341
00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:11,200
the "Lie-dl."
342
00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:17,760
Or when I'm in the States, "Walmar."
343
00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:22,960
I saw a sign in the supermarket, though,
for Veganuary.
344
00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:25,800
That is a great idea,
giving up meat for a month.
345
00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:27,080
All onboard with that.
346
00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:28,640
But why January?
347
00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:31,680
On behalf of everyone, can I please say,
348
00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:34,680
people need to back the fuck off January.
349
00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:39,400
We already have Dry January.
Now we have Veganuary.
350
00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:44,640
Newsflash: January already
the shittest month of the year.
351
00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:47,720
That is not the month
you should be giving up vices.
352
00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:51,120
If anything, that is the month
you should be finding new ones for.
353
00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:54,240
"Jack, are you giving up
booze and meat for January?"
354
00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:56,600
"Nope, but I will be taking up heroin."
355
00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:01,640
Yeah, the month flies by,
and that Christmas weight just drops off.
356
00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:05,240
Who's with me? 2021, Smackuary.
357
00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:14,760
Got to be more ethical
358
00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:17,400
'cause the meat eaters
can be more ethical as well.
359
00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:20,160
Can ask the right questions.
Got to pick your moments.
360
00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:22,800
I'm a normal guy, so I took a girl
on a date
361
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:23,920
to the Nan-doss.
362
00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:27,800
She started asking questions
about the chicken.
363
00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:31,200
There is a time and a place
for asking questions about the chicken.
364
00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:33,200
Nan-doss is not it.
365
00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:36,080
The poor guy there
didn't have a fucking clue.
366
00:22:36,360 --> 00:22:39,560
She asked him where the chicken was from.
He said: "The fridge."
367
00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:44,160
That's the thing. You've gotta be aware
of the food eaten
368
00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:45,760
by the food that we're eating.
369
00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:47,400
I saw an article the other day
370
00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:50,920
saying you are no longer allowed
to feed ducks in the park bread.
371
00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:52,480
Do you know why?
372
00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:56,120
Because it makes them... bloated.
373
00:22:58,400 --> 00:22:59,960
They're ducks.
374
00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:02,800
Their job...
375
00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:05,280
is to float.
376
00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:11,440
What does it matter if they're bloated?
That's a fucking advantage.
377
00:23:12,480 --> 00:23:15,440
Started listing alternatives.
Instead of feeding them bread,
378
00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:18,440
you could feed them corn kernels,
you could feed them peas,
379
00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:20,800
you could feed them grapes. Grapes?
380
00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:23,640
Am I visiting this duck in hospital now?
381
00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:27,360
Can you imagine
how much of an asshole
382
00:23:27,440 --> 00:23:30,360
I would look like
if I turned up to my local park,
383
00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:33,560
everyone else is chucking in
moldy bits of bread,
384
00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:35,800
I turn up with a basket of grapes?
385
00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:39,440
"Oh, you may be ducks,
but today you will feast like swans.
386
00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:43,680
Don't fill up too much, you won't leave
room for the cheese board.
387
00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:44,600
Here we are.
388
00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:50,280
Lie-dl's finest Latvian Camembert.
Come, enjoy, enjoy."
389
00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:54,040
Gluten-free ducks.
390
00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:55,440
Whatever next?
391
00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:58,120
They'll be going keto.
That's what'll happen.
392
00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:03,200
I can't keep up with the fad diets.
There appears to be a new one every week.
393
00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:04,680
You've got juicers,
394
00:24:05,280 --> 00:24:06,560
your fasters.
395
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:09,680
The fasters, that's the weirdest one.
It's like a cult.
396
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:12,040
Fast the 5:2 diet.
397
00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:15,880
"Yeah, I'm doing the 5:2 diet.
For five days, I eat what I like.
398
00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:17,480
For two days, I fast.
399
00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:20,640
And for seven days,
I tell everyone about it."
400
00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:25,960
And they're always so desperate
to tell you how good fasting is for you.
401
00:24:26,040 --> 00:24:29,480
It's like: "I have eyes in my head,
I can see what's in front of me."
402
00:24:29,560 --> 00:24:32,880
These people look emaciated,
physically weak.
403
00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:34,840
Like prisoners of war.
404
00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:38,240
"Oh, I'm so sorry,
I can't have that biscuit.
405
00:24:38,360 --> 00:24:40,360
I'm actually doing a fast at the moment.
406
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:43,840
It's absolutely amazing,
you've got to try it sometime.
407
00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:47,120
I haven't made saliva for three days."
408
00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:50,040
"What have you lost?"
"Two stone and my vision."
409
00:24:59,960 --> 00:25:02,600
"It's honestly the best I've ever felt."
410
00:25:04,640 --> 00:25:05,480
Oh, God.
411
00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:08,880
I feel like a lot of this
will come back and haunt me.
412
00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:12,760
I mean, in six months' time,
I will 100% be a vegan.
413
00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:15,520
And... drinking falafel milk.
414
00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:19,840
I'm just jealous of people
for living the life that I want to live.
415
00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:21,920
I do it with everything. Like love-life.
416
00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:23,720
Now that my love-life is a car crash,
417
00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:26,120
I literally cannot be
around happy couples.
418
00:25:26,200 --> 00:25:27,080
Aww.
419
00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:29,680
Give me a cheer
if you're in a happy relationship.
420
00:25:31,240 --> 00:25:34,240
Mate, it doesn't work
if you drag your girlfriend's hand up
421
00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:37,600
when I ask that question.
Frigging caveman over here.
422
00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:39,040
"She happy."
423
00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:44,760
Give me a cheer
if you're in an unhappy relationship.
424
00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:47,200
Right, we can hang out.
425
00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:50,320
I love spotting these unhappy couples.
426
00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:51,760
I saw one the other day.
427
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:53,960
I was on a plane.
This husband and wife walked on.
428
00:25:54,440 --> 00:25:56,720
I don't know
whether they were husband and wife,
429
00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:59,360
but they were over 60.
So if you're over 60,
430
00:25:59,440 --> 00:26:01,800
whether you're married or not,
you're a husband and wife.
431
00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:03,800
'Cause there is nothing cringier
432
00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:05,200
than anyone over 60
433
00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:08,400
referring to themselves
as: "boyfriend and girlfriend."
434
00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:10,680
You're not in primary school.
435
00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:14,400
And I know that's ageist to say,
but unfortunately it's true.
436
00:26:14,480 --> 00:26:18,080
I met this guy the other day. He was old.
Like, old-old.
437
00:26:18,360 --> 00:26:20,400
Like, you could have got into his iPhone
438
00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:22,800
by showing it one of your testicles,
like that.
439
00:26:24,720 --> 00:26:26,080
He had to be pushing 80.
440
00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:31,400
And he introduced me to the woman
that he was with: "This is my girlfriend."
441
00:26:32,120 --> 00:26:33,760
That is your next of kin.
442
00:26:36,640 --> 00:26:37,760
So the couple come on.
443
00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:40,120
The husband sits down,
instantly falls asleep,
444
00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:41,480
starts snoring out loud.
445
00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:44,800
And the wife is looking over at him,
446
00:26:44,880 --> 00:26:47,880
and loathing him
with every fiber of her being.
447
00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:51,880
At one point he did that thing
like he was choking in his sleep. Like...
448
00:26:54,120 --> 00:26:57,280
I accidentally caught her eye.
She gave me a look as if to say:
449
00:26:57,360 --> 00:26:58,960
"Shh!
450
00:26:59,040 --> 00:27:01,000
If he goes, he goes."
451
00:27:02,120 --> 00:27:05,440
He's got his tray table down.
She's written, "Do not resuscitate."
452
00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:10,880
Whole flight, he snores out loud.
By the time it gets to the landing,
453
00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:14,360
even the screaming baby was like:
"This guy's an asshole."
454
00:27:15,640 --> 00:27:18,640
But because his seat
was ever so slightly inclined,
455
00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:20,760
the air hostess had to come over
456
00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:24,200
and put it into the upright position
for landing, or as we know,
457
00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:26,760
the plane would've burst
into a ball of flames.
458
00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:34,720
In doing so, she accidentally
wakes him up, and he was not best pleased.
459
00:27:34,800 --> 00:27:37,600
He snapped at her. He was like:
"Oh, my God,
460
00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:41,960
is... is it really worth leaning over
and waking me up
461
00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:44,360
for the sake of two inches?"
462
00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:47,600
And his wife went: "Not in my experience."
463
00:27:50,600 --> 00:27:54,720
There were high-fives.
The pilot had to do an announcement.
464
00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:58,760
"To the lady in row 33,
you go, girl, you go!"
465
00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:01,560
Everyone was loving it.
466
00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:03,600
Other than me. I was thinking:
467
00:28:03,680 --> 00:28:08,920
"This is the last time I ever sit behind
my fucking parents on a plane."
468
00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:16,680
I'm glad you enjoyed that bit.
469
00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:20,280
Do you know who did not enjoy that bit
the first time he heard it?
470
00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:21,800
Michael Whitehall.
471
00:28:23,840 --> 00:28:26,120
Oh, my God.
The first time he heard that bit,
472
00:28:26,200 --> 00:28:29,600
he had the most Michael Whitehall
response you have ever heard.
473
00:28:29,880 --> 00:28:34,040
I came offstage afterwards. He was waiting
for me, looming at the end of the bar,
474
00:28:34,120 --> 00:28:35,560
like a pissed vampire.
475
00:28:36,880 --> 00:28:40,520
He was like: "I didn't like
that new plane bit of yours."
476
00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:45,160
I was like: "Daddy, obviously it wasn't
actually you guys, it was just a joke."
477
00:28:45,240 --> 00:28:50,800
He went: "Row 33, I do not want
people thinking that we fly economy."
478
00:28:56,880 --> 00:29:01,120
He's got even worse now, as well,
that he is a minor celebrity.
479
00:29:01,480 --> 00:29:04,480
I'm not saying fame has gone
to his head, but the other day,
480
00:29:04,560 --> 00:29:09,080
my dad was doing a medical questionnaire
and under "Occupation,"
481
00:29:09,160 --> 00:29:11,160
he put: "National treasure."
482
00:29:14,920 --> 00:29:16,680
We all know he's on borrowed time.
483
00:29:16,760 --> 00:29:20,680
Eventually he's going to say or tweet
something that's gonna get him canceled.
484
00:29:21,360 --> 00:29:25,640
We did this ancestry show on the BBC,
Who Do You Think You Are?
485
00:29:26,040 --> 00:29:28,880
The answer, it turns out,
is: "an asshole."
486
00:29:29,840 --> 00:29:33,560
Yep, my father comes from a long line
of assholes, it turns out.
487
00:29:33,920 --> 00:29:37,280
On one side of the family,
we were taken to Birmingham. I was like:
488
00:29:37,360 --> 00:29:41,360
"Great, I'm going to be related to
a Peaky Blinder." Nope, sex pest.
489
00:29:43,320 --> 00:29:46,720
One of my ancestors was a philandering
con artist that got syphilis,
490
00:29:46,800 --> 00:29:50,000
gave it to his wife, and they both died
in a mental asylum.
491
00:29:50,080 --> 00:29:52,280
Well, it turns out, he was the good one.
492
00:29:53,560 --> 00:29:57,320
Oh, yeah, my other ancestor
made old Cheaty McSyphilis
493
00:29:57,400 --> 00:29:58,800
look like Mother Teresa.
494
00:29:59,800 --> 00:30:03,480
Other side of the family, we visited Wales
and discovered that I'm related
495
00:30:03,560 --> 00:30:05,360
to a prominent Welsh Tory M.P.
496
00:30:05,440 --> 00:30:07,560
that introduced blood sports
to the nation,
497
00:30:07,640 --> 00:30:11,480
then put down a revolt of Welsh workers
that were fighting for the right to vote,
498
00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:14,080
and had the William Wallace of Wales
arrested,
499
00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:16,320
and hung, drawn and quartered for treason.
500
00:30:16,920 --> 00:30:20,000
So I'm finding all of this stuff out.
I was... I was upset,
501
00:30:20,080 --> 00:30:22,120
I was moved, I was disturbed.
502
00:30:22,200 --> 00:30:24,760
I turned to look at my dad.
Fucking nothing.
503
00:30:26,080 --> 00:30:27,960
I was like:
"Daddy, you need to look more upset.
504
00:30:28,040 --> 00:30:31,200
There are cameras on us.
Can you at least pretend to be sad?"
505
00:30:31,280 --> 00:30:34,640
He went: "I am sad.
It is all deeply depressing.
506
00:30:34,720 --> 00:30:38,080
I had absolutely no idea
that we were Welsh."
507
00:30:42,760 --> 00:30:46,800
I get it, right? I get it. Your perception
of your parents changes over time.
508
00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:49,720
As a child, you look
at your mom and dad and you're like:
509
00:30:49,800 --> 00:30:54,000
"You two are the most embarrassing people
that I have ever seen in my entire life."
510
00:30:54,560 --> 00:30:58,280
Then you get a little bit older,
a bit wiser, you become an adult,
511
00:30:58,760 --> 00:31:00,920
and eventually you go: "You know what?
512
00:31:01,000 --> 00:31:04,240
Actually, I think these two
might be all right."
513
00:31:05,000 --> 00:31:07,600
Then they retire and you spend more time
with them and you're like:
514
00:31:07,680 --> 00:31:09,680
"Oh, no, I had it right the first time.
515
00:31:10,400 --> 00:31:11,720
You're fucking mental."
516
00:31:12,760 --> 00:31:15,640
And in my family,
my sister definitely gets it worse.
517
00:31:16,360 --> 00:31:18,240
Last year, my sister got engaged.
518
00:31:18,320 --> 00:31:21,080
That should have been
a lovely moment for our family.
519
00:31:21,160 --> 00:31:24,040
And it was, for nought-point-five seconds.
520
00:31:24,240 --> 00:31:28,080
Until she then announced she didn't want
to get married in a church.
521
00:31:28,560 --> 00:31:30,120
Oh, dear.
522
00:31:30,600 --> 00:31:33,840
Anyone would've thought she told him
she'd voted Green.
523
00:31:35,200 --> 00:31:36,440
Did not go down well.
524
00:31:36,520 --> 00:31:40,720
He went: "What do you mean you don't want
to get married in a church, Molly?
525
00:31:40,800 --> 00:31:46,400
If I'm paying for this wedding,
you're not having it in a fucking barn.
526
00:31:47,080 --> 00:31:51,920
If I'm paying for this wedding,
it will happen in a house of worship."
527
00:31:52,400 --> 00:31:55,440
The look on his face when he finds out
we've booked a mosque.
528
00:32:00,400 --> 00:32:02,120
Now the pressure's on me.
529
00:32:02,200 --> 00:32:04,280
To get married. To have a child.
530
00:32:04,360 --> 00:32:07,480
They keep asking: "When are you
going to give us a grandchild?"
531
00:32:07,560 --> 00:32:09,320
I'm like: "I'm trying to put an end
532
00:32:09,400 --> 00:32:11,840
to this bloodline
of syphilitic mass murderers."
533
00:32:12,440 --> 00:32:15,280
But it's because I had
my first proper breakup recently.
534
00:32:15,360 --> 00:32:18,720
I had an amicable breakup,
which people tell you is a good thing.
535
00:32:18,800 --> 00:32:20,040
I'm here to tell you,
536
00:32:20,120 --> 00:32:21,360
it fucking ain't.
537
00:32:22,520 --> 00:32:25,520
Much better to hate the person.
538
00:32:25,720 --> 00:32:28,680
I say that as a person.
I also say that as an artiste.
539
00:32:28,840 --> 00:32:30,160
Because the one advantage
540
00:32:30,240 --> 00:32:32,440
of having tragedy
in your life as an artiste
541
00:32:32,520 --> 00:32:34,000
is it can inspire great work.
542
00:32:34,080 --> 00:32:37,320
No one has ever written a brilliant album
about a lovely breakup,
543
00:32:37,400 --> 00:32:39,200
where everyone behaved impeccably.
544
00:32:39,680 --> 00:32:41,840
I wanted her crushing my heart
into the floor,
545
00:32:41,920 --> 00:32:43,840
throwing my clothes out of the window.
546
00:32:43,920 --> 00:32:45,920
I wanted to get Adele'd, right?
547
00:32:46,840 --> 00:32:49,760
Instead,
my ex-girlfriend took my mom for tea
548
00:32:49,840 --> 00:32:52,520
to help my mom
transition through the split.
549
00:32:53,360 --> 00:32:56,680
Yeah, fuck you with your kindness
and generosity.
550
00:32:57,080 --> 00:32:58,920
I want to be rolling in the deep.
551
00:32:59,000 --> 00:33:02,160
Instead, I'm in the shallow end,
making jokes about diarrhea.
552
00:33:05,560 --> 00:33:08,960
Then we had this weird situation
where me and my ex were just friends
553
00:33:09,040 --> 00:33:10,760
and we were living
in the same flat
554
00:33:10,840 --> 00:33:13,000
for a couple of months.
That was very weird.
555
00:33:13,080 --> 00:33:16,600
Trying to help each other acclimatize
to our new life as just friends.
556
00:33:16,680 --> 00:33:18,680
Shall I tell you the most tragic moment?
557
00:33:19,120 --> 00:33:23,040
We were in the kitchen together,
and for the first time in six years,
558
00:33:23,120 --> 00:33:25,040
she farted in front of me.
559
00:33:26,160 --> 00:33:28,400
And no words were exchanged.
560
00:33:28,480 --> 00:33:31,880
I just walked out of the room,
went upstairs,
561
00:33:31,960 --> 00:33:33,800
locked myself in the bathroom,
562
00:33:33,880 --> 00:33:37,000
and had a little cry
because I knew it was over.
563
00:33:38,520 --> 00:33:42,880
In one gust, she had broken wind
and my heart.
564
00:33:46,640 --> 00:33:48,800
Some of this new material's quite bleak.
565
00:33:49,720 --> 00:33:50,800
Seriously, though.
566
00:33:51,280 --> 00:33:52,880
She was farting in front of me.
567
00:33:52,960 --> 00:33:55,600
She was trying to make herself
less attractive to me.
568
00:33:55,680 --> 00:33:59,080
She was literally
trying to fart herself off the pedestal.
569
00:33:59,640 --> 00:34:02,240
But it didn't work. I am a man.
570
00:34:02,320 --> 00:34:05,160
It only made me love her more.
571
00:34:07,200 --> 00:34:09,120
Then I tried to play ball as well.
572
00:34:09,200 --> 00:34:11,400
I was like: "Is there anything I could do
573
00:34:11,480 --> 00:34:13,520
to make myself less attractive to you?"
574
00:34:13,600 --> 00:34:15,960
She went:
"No, I think I'm pretty much there."
575
00:34:18,800 --> 00:34:20,760
Now I've got to put in an effort again.
576
00:34:20,840 --> 00:34:23,920
Got to put a shift in in the bedroom
again, I don't like having to do that.
577
00:34:24,000 --> 00:34:26,040
Oh, no, I'm very conservative
in the bedroom.
578
00:34:26,160 --> 00:34:28,120
No thrills with me between the sheets.
579
00:34:28,760 --> 00:34:31,840
I always say, sex with me is like
arriving late at the theater
580
00:34:31,920 --> 00:34:33,400
and trying to find your seat.
581
00:34:34,160 --> 00:34:36,440
Lot of shuffling, bit of shushing,
a pause,
582
00:34:36,520 --> 00:34:39,080
and from somewhere in the darkness,
a whispered:
583
00:34:39,160 --> 00:34:40,280
"I'm sorry."
584
00:34:47,120 --> 00:34:49,000
Unfortunately, never that noise. I--
585
00:34:52,800 --> 00:34:55,200
I'm just not equipped for any of this.
586
00:34:55,360 --> 00:34:57,920
I'm not equipped
for a breakup emotionally,
587
00:34:58,000 --> 00:35:00,760
'cause I am a product
of the British public school system.
588
00:35:01,160 --> 00:35:03,520
If a relationship broke down
at boarding school,
589
00:35:03,600 --> 00:35:05,600
you weren't encouraged to talk about it.
590
00:35:05,680 --> 00:35:08,800
Mainly 'cause a lot of those teachers
could've lost their jobs.
591
00:35:12,040 --> 00:35:15,760
The closest I've come to a relationship
since, though, has been with Alexa.
592
00:35:16,920 --> 00:35:20,560
Ah, lovely Alexa.
Stores and records everything you say,
593
00:35:20,640 --> 00:35:22,640
so that she can use it in the future.
594
00:35:23,080 --> 00:35:24,880
Just like a real girlfriend.
595
00:35:27,760 --> 00:35:32,160
And I lead the bachelor lifestyle now.
Woohoo, bachelor lifestyle!
596
00:35:32,240 --> 00:35:34,760
Breakfast for dinner. Fuck, yeah.
597
00:35:35,080 --> 00:35:39,840
Same underpants for a week.
Did someone order a legend?
598
00:35:40,240 --> 00:35:44,560
Ooh, is this just the kitchen sink,
or is it also now the downstairs toilet?
599
00:35:46,440 --> 00:35:49,800
Too far?
I love saying that onstage every night,
600
00:35:49,880 --> 00:35:52,640
and then looking out into the crowd,
without fail,
601
00:35:52,720 --> 00:35:55,120
always seeing
at least four or five guys laugh,
602
00:35:55,200 --> 00:35:59,360
and then turn to their missus and be like:
"I have no idea what he's talking about."
603
00:36:01,320 --> 00:36:04,840
Was that rock bottom, or was rock bottom
going to the kitchen and realizing
604
00:36:04,920 --> 00:36:09,440
that the only food I had left in the house
was the emergency Pot Noodle,
605
00:36:09,680 --> 00:36:12,960
only to then discover,
she'd taken the kettle?
606
00:36:13,920 --> 00:36:17,240
"Well, I guess you're getting filled up
directly from the hot tap."
607
00:36:17,720 --> 00:36:20,080
I'm not proud of myself.
608
00:36:20,160 --> 00:36:23,360
Sat on the sofa in a Slanket,
609
00:36:23,440 --> 00:36:26,800
crunching through an al dente
Bombay Bad Boy,
610
00:36:27,000 --> 00:36:31,280
hoping it will give me the sustenance
I need to return to the job at hand,
611
00:36:31,360 --> 00:36:35,080
namely seeing whether it is possible
to wank yourself into a coma.
612
00:36:37,000 --> 00:36:39,000
"Say my name, Alexa."
613
00:36:40,120 --> 00:36:41,160
"Jack Whitehall."
614
00:36:41,240 --> 00:36:42,160
"Yeah!
615
00:36:43,480 --> 00:36:44,960
Who's the daddy?"
616
00:36:46,080 --> 00:36:47,600
"Searching Michael Whitehall."
617
00:36:47,680 --> 00:36:49,840
"No! Don't do that."
618
00:36:55,680 --> 00:36:58,640
I think it's fair to say,
I went off the rails a little bit.
619
00:36:59,000 --> 00:37:02,440
It all came to a head when I went
to... to Germany for a weekend.
620
00:37:02,880 --> 00:37:04,360
Uh... quite sad, actually.
621
00:37:04,440 --> 00:37:07,680
Last year, we went to Berlin
to say goodbye to a friend of mine,
622
00:37:07,760 --> 00:37:10,960
who we lost in June... June, July?
623
00:37:11,360 --> 00:37:13,720
It was a summer wedding,
I can't remember when.
624
00:37:18,440 --> 00:37:21,880
That's right. After the self-pity stage
of breakup grief
625
00:37:21,960 --> 00:37:24,200
comes the "getting annihilated" stage,
626
00:37:24,440 --> 00:37:25,800
and where better to do that
627
00:37:25,880 --> 00:37:28,800
than surrounded
by all of your happily married friends?
628
00:37:29,120 --> 00:37:31,280
#LivingAShittierLife.
629
00:37:32,480 --> 00:37:34,600
So I've been up for three days
on this stag-do,
630
00:37:34,680 --> 00:37:36,680
and I'm in Berlin Airport,
on the way home.
631
00:37:36,760 --> 00:37:39,000
I'm stood in the queue
for airport security,
632
00:37:39,080 --> 00:37:42,240
and I put my hand into my pocket
to take out my passport,
633
00:37:42,320 --> 00:37:47,520
and instead, I withdraw
a single edible weed gummy.
634
00:37:48,120 --> 00:37:51,280
Oh, dear. I look around
for somewhere to dispose of this thing,
635
00:37:51,360 --> 00:37:53,040
there is nowhere in immediate sight.
636
00:37:53,120 --> 00:37:54,240
For a brief moment,
637
00:37:54,320 --> 00:37:55,960
it crossed my mind
for a second,
638
00:37:56,040 --> 00:37:59,120
I looked in front and there was
a child with an open backpack.
639
00:38:01,440 --> 00:38:03,440
I didn't, 'cause I'm not a monster.
640
00:38:03,880 --> 00:38:05,720
And I couldn't distract his mom. S--
641
00:38:07,280 --> 00:38:10,920
So I was like, reluctantly: "This is going
to have to go down the hatch."
642
00:38:11,000 --> 00:38:12,240
So I swallow this thing.
643
00:38:12,320 --> 00:38:16,520
Now, I am a little bit of a novice
when it comes to the old edible marijuana.
644
00:38:16,840 --> 00:38:20,080
These things are incredibly strong.
645
00:38:20,560 --> 00:38:23,520
It hit me like a fucking freight train.
646
00:38:24,080 --> 00:38:26,680
By the time
I was at the front of this queue,
647
00:38:26,760 --> 00:38:31,960
I was so high, I could've flown home
without the aid of an airplane.
648
00:38:33,920 --> 00:38:35,680
I knew I was in serious trouble
649
00:38:35,760 --> 00:38:38,080
when I was stood
in the body-scanning machine,
650
00:38:38,160 --> 00:38:40,520
legs akimbo, arms aloft.
651
00:38:40,960 --> 00:38:43,400
I was like:
"Why is it not scanning you?
652
00:38:43,480 --> 00:38:47,520
It's not scanning you
'cause it knows that you've got drugs
653
00:38:47,600 --> 00:38:50,080
in your belly, you naughty boy."
654
00:38:51,400 --> 00:38:54,120
I then realized the actual reason
it wasn't scanning me
655
00:38:54,200 --> 00:38:57,320
was 'cause I was stood, legs akimbo,
arms aloft,
656
00:38:57,400 --> 00:39:00,240
in a regular metal detector.
657
00:39:04,720 --> 00:39:08,480
It was at that point that I heard
a German voice shouting at me from behind:
658
00:39:08,560 --> 00:39:10,240
"Das ist verboten."
659
00:39:10,320 --> 00:39:13,280
I'm no linguist, but I was certain
it wasn't the German for:
660
00:39:13,360 --> 00:39:15,520
"Have a nice day.
The lounge is over there."
661
00:39:15,840 --> 00:39:18,720
I turn around, the security official
is pointing very aggressively
662
00:39:18,800 --> 00:39:21,640
at my midriff region
and shouting something in German.
663
00:39:21,720 --> 00:39:24,640
I realize, with hindsight,
he was pointing at my belt.
664
00:39:24,720 --> 00:39:28,080
He wanted me to take my belt off.
Unfortunately, I was so high,
665
00:39:28,160 --> 00:39:30,720
I didn't even realize
I was wearing a belt.
666
00:39:30,960 --> 00:39:35,760
For some reason, in that moment,
I thought that he was pointing...
667
00:39:36,680 --> 00:39:40,520
at my trousers,
and I thought that he wanted them off.
668
00:39:41,880 --> 00:39:46,440
I was like: "Wow, these German
security officials are awfully thorough."
669
00:39:46,680 --> 00:39:49,840
But I went to a Catholic boarding school.
670
00:39:49,920 --> 00:39:52,880
If a figure of authority tells you
to drop 'em,
671
00:39:52,960 --> 00:39:54,440
you fucking drop 'em.
672
00:39:55,640 --> 00:39:57,800
So, in the middle of Berlin Airport,
673
00:39:57,880 --> 00:40:01,920
I began to slowly start
pulling down my trousers.
674
00:40:02,160 --> 00:40:04,280
He did not like that one bit.
675
00:40:04,720 --> 00:40:07,000
If anything, it made him even angrier.
676
00:40:07,080 --> 00:40:10,000
He started shouting more.
He was like: "Oben!"
677
00:40:10,080 --> 00:40:13,440
Oben, I've Googled it.
It's the German word for "up,"
678
00:40:13,520 --> 00:40:15,160
as in: "Pull your trousers up."
679
00:40:15,240 --> 00:40:16,880
I don't speak German.
680
00:40:16,960 --> 00:40:19,560
I thought he'd shouted: "Open."
I was like:
681
00:40:19,880 --> 00:40:21,560
"This has escalated."
682
00:40:22,640 --> 00:40:27,760
The most worrying element of this story
is quite how compliant I was.
683
00:40:27,840 --> 00:40:31,320
I thought, in that moment,
that a security official
684
00:40:31,400 --> 00:40:36,320
wanted to anally cavity search me
in front of everyone in the airport,
685
00:40:36,400 --> 00:40:39,720
and I put up no protest whatsoever.
686
00:40:39,800 --> 00:40:42,400
He literally just had to shout
"open" once,
687
00:40:42,480 --> 00:40:46,000
and I was assuming the position,
preparing for entry.
688
00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:50,400
"Well, if that's the way it's got to go,
Fritz, that's the way it's got to go.
689
00:40:50,480 --> 00:40:52,760
Stick a pinkie in there first,
if you would.
690
00:40:52,840 --> 00:40:55,600
Call me old-fashioned
but I need to be wooed."
691
00:41:08,600 --> 00:41:10,600
This is why I need a girlfriend.
692
00:41:11,480 --> 00:41:13,040
To keep me in line.
693
00:41:13,600 --> 00:41:15,360
I'm not good at being single.
694
00:41:15,720 --> 00:41:18,720
I should have one-night stands,
that's what you're to do.
695
00:41:18,800 --> 00:41:20,880
I'm scared of one-night stands.
Know why?
696
00:41:20,960 --> 00:41:22,800
I'm scared of getting something.
697
00:41:23,360 --> 00:41:25,200
My friend, he had a one-night stand.
698
00:41:25,280 --> 00:41:27,400
He got the one that you can't get rid of.
699
00:41:28,480 --> 00:41:29,320
Kids.
700
00:41:32,720 --> 00:41:37,320
Did you just look at your daughter,
on the punchline of that joke?
701
00:41:37,480 --> 00:41:40,760
That was brutal. "That's you, that is.
My little STD."
702
00:41:44,520 --> 00:41:45,840
-She's what?
703
00:41:45,920 --> 00:41:47,400
It's your wife? Oh, my God.
704
00:41:52,920 --> 00:41:54,560
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
705
00:42:01,640 --> 00:42:02,480
It's fine.
706
00:42:03,200 --> 00:42:06,040
It's not like we're filming this.
It's not going anywhere, it's fine.
707
00:42:07,920 --> 00:42:09,720
Fucking punching. I, uh...
708
00:42:10,800 --> 00:42:12,640
Michael Whitehall would be proud.
709
00:42:14,880 --> 00:42:18,560
The rest of the show is to this side.
I can't even look over there.
710
00:42:18,640 --> 00:42:21,080
This guy's going to come up--
Stop waving at me.
711
00:42:21,160 --> 00:42:25,560
No, that doesn't make it any better.
I already feel absolutely mortified.
712
00:42:29,240 --> 00:42:30,640
Thank you, comedy gods.
713
00:42:32,960 --> 00:42:34,000
But we must move on.
714
00:42:35,600 --> 00:42:39,160
My point is, I'm not ready
to have a child. I'd be a terrible parent.
715
00:42:39,240 --> 00:42:42,160
Oh, my God.
This was a sign I saw recently.
716
00:42:42,240 --> 00:42:45,680
I was driving along the road.
There was a sign at the side of it:
717
00:42:45,760 --> 00:42:48,400
"Drive like your children live here."
718
00:42:49,200 --> 00:42:51,440
I was doing 130 when I hit that tree.
719
00:42:54,480 --> 00:42:56,840
I did this recently.
Oh, my God. Has anyone ever done it?
720
00:42:56,920 --> 00:42:59,320
I accidentally hit a kid skiing.
721
00:43:00,800 --> 00:43:03,880
Someone's laughing over there,
like they've done it. Not good.
722
00:43:03,960 --> 00:43:06,880
It probably wasn't your fault either.
It was so unfair.
723
00:43:06,960 --> 00:43:10,760
To be fair to me, this little fucker
cut straight in front of me,
724
00:43:10,840 --> 00:43:13,320
in the line for the buffet,
and I just lashed out.
725
00:43:19,120 --> 00:43:22,880
The reality is, I reckon,
some parents don't help their kids.
726
00:43:23,520 --> 00:43:27,040
I met a woman the other day
whose child's name...
727
00:43:27,760 --> 00:43:29,120
was Isis.
728
00:43:31,000 --> 00:43:32,280
I know.
729
00:43:32,760 --> 00:43:34,440
I know.
730
00:43:34,880 --> 00:43:37,600
She was like:
"It's Greek for 'goddess of nature.'"
731
00:43:37,840 --> 00:43:41,440
I was like: "It's rest of the world
for 'shooty-shooty, bomb-bomb.'"
732
00:43:43,760 --> 00:43:47,520
So you need to think of another name,
love, 'cause that one's been hijacked.
733
00:43:48,480 --> 00:43:50,240
Wrong word, wrong word.
734
00:43:52,720 --> 00:43:55,320
This wasn't information
she shared with the group.
735
00:43:55,400 --> 00:43:58,720
This was information she casually dropped
into the conversation,
736
00:43:58,800 --> 00:44:00,240
like it was a normal thing.
737
00:44:00,320 --> 00:44:02,920
I'd never met this woman before
in my life.
738
00:44:03,000 --> 00:44:06,440
You can imagine how concerned I was.
739
00:44:06,520 --> 00:44:09,200
We're all sat there in the pub,
having a lovely drink,
740
00:44:09,280 --> 00:44:12,800
when all of a sudden,
this complete stranger pipes up and goes:
741
00:44:12,880 --> 00:44:15,720
"Well, I need to go home
to be up early tomorrow morning
742
00:44:15,800 --> 00:44:17,480
to help Isis with a project."
743
00:44:19,360 --> 00:44:22,320
"Sorry, I beg your fucking pardon?"
744
00:44:22,960 --> 00:44:25,480
"Yes, typical Isis,
announces it at five o'clock
745
00:44:25,560 --> 00:44:29,240
and it's me that's got to go to the shop
and buy all the bloody materials.
746
00:44:29,320 --> 00:44:32,000
Then I've to pack the backpack,
drive to the bus stop.
747
00:44:32,080 --> 00:44:34,240
I might as well take it to school myself."
748
00:44:34,320 --> 00:44:36,720
"Take this bitch down right fucking now."
749
00:44:38,480 --> 00:44:40,560
Eventually I realize
she's talking about her child.
750
00:44:40,640 --> 00:44:43,080
I was like:
"You can't call your child Isis."
751
00:44:43,160 --> 00:44:47,920
She was like: "I called her Isis
before the terrorist organization.
752
00:44:48,000 --> 00:44:51,080
I was like: "I should fucking hope so."
753
00:44:52,200 --> 00:44:57,120
But unfortunately, there are certain names
that get taken out of circulation.
754
00:44:57,760 --> 00:45:00,920
That's why you don't swipe right
with many Adolfs on Tinder.
755
00:45:02,920 --> 00:45:06,600
To be fair to Hitler...
which is a terrible sentence...
756
00:45:07,640 --> 00:45:09,360
to start any routine with.
757
00:45:10,480 --> 00:45:13,400
To be fair to Hitler--
Stop saying it, stop saying it. I...
758
00:45:13,760 --> 00:45:17,520
I've always wanted a catchphrase,
I don't think that's the one to plumb for.
759
00:45:18,520 --> 00:45:19,960
In Hitler's defense...
760
00:45:20,040 --> 00:45:22,560
No, worse!
Worse, worse, worse. Worse.
761
00:45:23,160 --> 00:45:25,560
Swastikas,
that's what I want to talk about.
762
00:45:25,640 --> 00:45:27,440
Okay? Swastikas, okay?
763
00:45:27,520 --> 00:45:29,200
Perfect example of appropriation.
764
00:45:29,280 --> 00:45:31,520
Have you met this dickhead
that says to you:
765
00:45:31,920 --> 00:45:33,920
"Oh, I don't know whether you know this,
766
00:45:34,000 --> 00:45:37,280
but the swastika
is actually a Buddhist symbol"?
767
00:45:37,720 --> 00:45:39,960
"Yeah... not anymore."
768
00:45:41,120 --> 00:45:44,280
"No, it symbolizes the footprints
of the Buddha."
769
00:45:44,480 --> 00:45:47,840
"You know what? Next time you walk
into a bar and you see a guy
770
00:45:47,920 --> 00:45:51,800
with a shaved head
and a swastika tattooed on his neck,
771
00:45:51,880 --> 00:45:56,280
you walk up to him
and give him your friendliest... namaste.
772
00:45:58,400 --> 00:46:01,920
Let's hope you get reincarnated
as someone that's not a twat."
773
00:46:04,280 --> 00:46:06,600
Anyway, I'm being harsh. I'm being harsh.
774
00:46:06,680 --> 00:46:10,120
Obviously, this mother didn't call
her daughter Isis provocatively.
775
00:46:10,200 --> 00:46:12,480
And apparently,
Isis was a lovely little girl.
776
00:46:12,880 --> 00:46:14,600
And a wonderful sister, as well.
777
00:46:14,680 --> 00:46:16,720
To her brothers, Hamas and Hezbollah.
778
00:46:22,800 --> 00:46:25,840
Ah, that's a routine that feels like
it's on borrowed time.
779
00:46:28,320 --> 00:46:31,840
The best thing about doing that bit is
I've been doing that for months,
780
00:46:31,920 --> 00:46:33,680
and now that I've done it on tour,
781
00:46:33,760 --> 00:46:35,640
you get other people coming up to you
782
00:46:35,720 --> 00:46:38,480
that want to tell you
that their child is also called Isis.
783
00:46:38,560 --> 00:46:42,000
And I tell you,
it attracts a certain type of person.
784
00:46:42,360 --> 00:46:45,480
I was in a crowded hotel lobby
the other day.
785
00:46:45,560 --> 00:46:49,520
This guy in a tweed jacket
comes striding towards me.
786
00:46:49,600 --> 00:46:52,240
"Jack, my daughter's Isis as well."
787
00:46:53,120 --> 00:46:54,920
"We are in public, mate."
788
00:46:55,400 --> 00:46:58,280
"Come over here. Will you do a video
for her on the phone?
789
00:46:58,360 --> 00:46:59,760
Come on. Do a video for her.
790
00:46:59,840 --> 00:47:02,080
He's doing a video for Isis."
791
00:47:02,160 --> 00:47:03,560
"Shut up!"
792
00:47:10,520 --> 00:47:11,640
I'll tell you another one.
793
00:47:11,720 --> 00:47:15,160
An awkward social situation
that I mess up on a daily basis now.
794
00:47:15,240 --> 00:47:19,160
Not realizing that my AirPods
have not synced up to my mobile phone,
795
00:47:19,280 --> 00:47:22,840
and my music is playing
to fucking everyone.
796
00:47:24,520 --> 00:47:27,160
Had the worst one the other day.
Happened in the gym.
797
00:47:27,240 --> 00:47:29,600
Now, when I go to the gym,
I'm like The Rock.
798
00:47:29,880 --> 00:47:32,040
No pain, no gain.
799
00:47:32,560 --> 00:47:36,720
I leave nothing there.
I find an exercise bike in the corner,
800
00:47:37,000 --> 00:47:41,080
and pop myself on it. Put on my hoodie,
stick in my AirPods,
801
00:47:41,160 --> 00:47:44,120
and I'll put on something mellow.
We're talking audio book,
802
00:47:44,200 --> 00:47:47,160
we're talking classical music,
we're talking film score.
803
00:47:47,440 --> 00:47:51,680
I set the incline to nought-point-five,
and then I have a quiet little pootle,
804
00:47:51,760 --> 00:47:54,840
like I am one of Call The Fucking Midwife.
805
00:47:57,800 --> 00:48:01,240
Only on this occasion,
everyone in the gym is looking at me.
806
00:48:01,520 --> 00:48:04,000
Now, for some reason,
my first thought was:
807
00:48:04,080 --> 00:48:06,320
"Hmm, they must all be looking over here
808
00:48:06,400 --> 00:48:09,920
'cause Quadzilla is burning
some serious rubber."
809
00:48:10,240 --> 00:48:13,000
I then had an awful moment,
where it dawned upon me
810
00:48:13,080 --> 00:48:15,880
that the reason everyone
in the gym was looking at me
811
00:48:15,960 --> 00:48:18,760
is that I was in the corner,
on an exercise bike,
812
00:48:18,840 --> 00:48:22,760
hoodie on, AirPods in,
playing to the entire gym,
813
00:48:22,840 --> 00:48:24,960
the theme tune from E.T.
814
00:48:35,520 --> 00:48:37,320
Do I look normal and nice again?
815
00:48:37,960 --> 00:48:40,080
-Yes, one woman, thank you very much.
816
00:48:42,280 --> 00:48:44,120
That wolf whistle was a little late.
817
00:48:45,040 --> 00:48:45,880
But thank you.
818
00:48:47,120 --> 00:48:49,040
I'm going to tell you one more story.
819
00:48:49,360 --> 00:48:50,600
It's about my dad.
820
00:48:53,640 --> 00:48:56,600
Look,
I know that I've made jokes about him,
821
00:48:56,680 --> 00:49:01,920
and uh... the reality is, I love him
dearly, and I never take for granted
822
00:49:02,000 --> 00:49:05,480
how lucky I am to spend that time
traveling around the world with him.
823
00:49:05,560 --> 00:49:06,760
And I'm so proud of him,
824
00:49:06,880 --> 00:49:09,440
for how much he puts himself
out of his comfort zone
825
00:49:09,520 --> 00:49:10,880
to do the stuff that we do.
826
00:49:10,960 --> 00:49:15,040
I get to see whole new sides to my dad
that I never thought that I would see.
827
00:49:15,440 --> 00:49:19,000
And that's not to say that, on occasion,
I haven't pushed him too far.
828
00:49:19,400 --> 00:49:23,640
And so I want to leave you with this story
about the occasion when I did just that.
829
00:49:24,040 --> 00:49:26,760
And it was actually very traumatic
at the time.
830
00:49:26,840 --> 00:49:29,720
It was something that we didn't feel like
we could put in the show,
831
00:49:29,800 --> 00:49:33,240
because it wound up with him collapsing
and being rushed to hospital.
832
00:49:34,600 --> 00:49:35,720
But...
833
00:49:37,560 --> 00:49:40,840
tragedy plus time equals comedy.
834
00:49:41,920 --> 00:49:43,120
So, here goes.
835
00:49:43,800 --> 00:49:47,200
It happened when we went to the Ukraine,
and we visited Chernobyl.
836
00:49:47,720 --> 00:49:50,040
Has anyone ever been to Chernobyl,
by the way?
837
00:49:50,120 --> 00:49:52,240
-Just that woman over there.
838
00:49:52,800 --> 00:49:54,160
Holding up her third hand.
839
00:49:58,440 --> 00:50:00,760
It's a terrifying place,
terrifying place,
840
00:50:00,840 --> 00:50:04,200
the site of the worst ever
nuclear disaster in human history.
841
00:50:04,360 --> 00:50:08,760
Uninhabited now,
other than by packs of feral, stray dogs,
842
00:50:08,840 --> 00:50:12,400
but, weirdly,
also now a tourist destination.
843
00:50:12,480 --> 00:50:14,320
Fun for all the family.
844
00:50:14,880 --> 00:50:18,720
They've got a gift shop in Chernobyl.
They've got a canteen in Chernobyl.
845
00:50:18,800 --> 00:50:23,720
A canteen in Chernobyl, which no one
in their right mind would eat in.
846
00:50:24,000 --> 00:50:28,560
Unfortunately, my father,
not in his right mind.
847
00:50:29,720 --> 00:50:31,960
We went in there.
It was full of Japanese tourists.
848
00:50:32,040 --> 00:50:33,920
Eventually,
I get to the front of the queue.
849
00:50:34,000 --> 00:50:36,040
I was like:
"So, what's on the menu today?"
850
00:50:36,560 --> 00:50:38,880
"Meat... in bun."
851
00:50:40,040 --> 00:50:40,960
"Thank you, madam.
852
00:50:43,000 --> 00:50:44,600
What's the vegetarian option?"
853
00:50:45,200 --> 00:50:46,680
"You take the meat...
854
00:50:48,160 --> 00:50:49,720
out of the bun."
855
00:50:50,400 --> 00:50:52,240
A hundred times I told Daddy:
856
00:50:52,320 --> 00:50:54,400
"Do not eat the meat in a bun."
857
00:50:54,480 --> 00:50:56,760
Did he listen? Did he--
Fuck. He was like:
858
00:50:56,840 --> 00:50:59,600
"I've eaten lunch every day at 1:00 p.m.
my entire life,
859
00:50:59,680 --> 00:51:02,560
today will be no exception.
Go find me a wine list."
860
00:51:03,480 --> 00:51:07,200
"Wine list? Daddy, we're in a canteen
in Chernobyl, there is no wine list.
861
00:51:07,280 --> 00:51:10,120
Even if there was, I don't think
you'd want to go anywhere near."
862
00:51:10,560 --> 00:51:13,240
"Would sir like the red, white,
or glow-in-the-dark?"
863
00:51:14,560 --> 00:51:17,120
"Uh... red, please.
Could you suggest a good year?"
864
00:51:17,200 --> 00:51:18,840
"Anything before 1986."
865
00:51:21,840 --> 00:51:24,520
I was like: "Daddy,
you're not having any wine.
866
00:51:24,600 --> 00:51:26,240
Just... have a glass of water."
867
00:51:26,320 --> 00:51:28,360
He went: "I don't drink water." "Why?"
868
00:51:28,440 --> 00:51:29,800
"Because fish fuck in it."
869
00:51:34,560 --> 00:51:38,360
So he doesn't drink any water.
He eats the mystery "meat" in a bun.
870
00:51:38,760 --> 00:51:40,640
Cut to 45 minutes later.
871
00:51:41,080 --> 00:51:43,080
We're in a van with our camera crew.
872
00:51:43,160 --> 00:51:45,960
We are driving past the exclusion zone
towards Pripyat,
873
00:51:46,040 --> 00:51:47,640
into the deserted woodlands,
874
00:51:47,720 --> 00:51:50,120
the most toxic and radioactive place
on earth,
875
00:51:50,200 --> 00:51:51,280
when all of a sudden,
876
00:51:51,360 --> 00:51:54,320
my father turns to me
and whispers in my ear:
877
00:51:54,400 --> 00:51:57,240
"Jack, I need the toilet."
878
00:51:58,200 --> 00:52:01,080
I turn to look at him,
and he does not look in a good way.
879
00:52:01,760 --> 00:52:04,400
Seriously, I have not seen him
this red in the face
880
00:52:04,480 --> 00:52:06,880
since I told him there was
a Women's World Cup.
881
00:52:09,080 --> 00:52:12,560
I'm like: "Daddy, you can't go
to the toilet, you missed your chance,
882
00:52:12,640 --> 00:52:15,040
we are now
in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere."
883
00:52:15,440 --> 00:52:16,400
He grabbed my arm,
884
00:52:16,480 --> 00:52:19,880
and in a voice that sounded like
he had been possessed by a demon,
885
00:52:19,960 --> 00:52:22,680
he goes: "Stop this van!"
886
00:52:24,000 --> 00:52:27,800
I've never seen my dad partake
in physical exercise in his entire life.
887
00:52:27,880 --> 00:52:30,160
He literally ripped open the door
to this van,
888
00:52:30,240 --> 00:52:33,760
and he ran into the woods
like he was Usain fucking Bolt.
889
00:52:34,400 --> 00:52:37,360
I turned to the camera crew, I'm like:
"Hide behind the van.
890
00:52:37,440 --> 00:52:39,200
I will go and deal with this."
891
00:52:39,280 --> 00:52:41,840
I follow my father into the woods,
past these signs.
892
00:52:41,920 --> 00:52:44,160
"Danger, do not trespass." "Radiation."
893
00:52:44,760 --> 00:52:46,560
You're constantly told in Chernobyl
894
00:52:46,640 --> 00:52:49,640
that you cannot touch or lean
on any surface,
895
00:52:49,720 --> 00:52:51,800
for fear of radiation poisoning.
896
00:52:52,360 --> 00:52:55,960
Therefore, as I enter the woods,
it becomes very clear very quickly
897
00:52:56,040 --> 00:52:59,560
that the only way
that my 79-year-old father
898
00:52:59,880 --> 00:53:04,160
is going to be able to relieve himself
in the woods...
899
00:53:04,680 --> 00:53:07,720
is with my assistance.
900
00:53:09,000 --> 00:53:13,360
Oh, you may grimace.
I had to live through this experience.
901
00:53:13,680 --> 00:53:17,880
My father pulls down the trousers
of his three-piece suit.
902
00:53:18,840 --> 00:53:21,120
I take him in both hands...
903
00:53:21,640 --> 00:53:24,480
I tread on the tops of his feet,
904
00:53:24,800 --> 00:53:28,560
and at the same time,
we both start to slowly lean back...
905
00:53:29,080 --> 00:53:31,960
like we're doing some horrible
tantric yoga pose.
906
00:53:32,040 --> 00:53:34,760
I can't look at him,
I have to go to a happy place.
907
00:53:34,840 --> 00:53:36,360
I start humming a tune.
908
00:53:36,440 --> 00:53:39,520
I'm broken from my happy place
by the sound of barking.
909
00:53:39,600 --> 00:53:43,120
I open my eyes.
One of these feral, radioactive dogs
910
00:53:43,200 --> 00:53:47,400
is advancing towards my father's arse,
thinking: "Mmm, lunchtime!"
911
00:53:47,600 --> 00:53:49,480
I'm trying to scare this thing away.
912
00:53:49,560 --> 00:53:52,080
I'm like: "Shoo, shoo,
please just leave us alone."
913
00:53:52,160 --> 00:53:56,920
My dad's shouting as well:
"This is so fucking undignified."
914
00:53:58,040 --> 00:54:01,880
I think it's when the coachload
of Japanese tourists drove past...
915
00:54:03,040 --> 00:54:05,840
that I must have gone into a fugue state.
916
00:54:05,920 --> 00:54:09,960
That is not a side of my father
that I want to see.
917
00:54:10,600 --> 00:54:13,400
The next thing that I remember
is coming to,
918
00:54:13,480 --> 00:54:14,760
walking towards this van,
919
00:54:14,840 --> 00:54:18,640
thinking: "I'm never going to be able
to look Daddy in the eye ever again."
920
00:54:18,720 --> 00:54:21,280
I call the camera crew out
from their hiding place.
921
00:54:21,520 --> 00:54:24,280
First comes our director,
then our cameraman.
922
00:54:24,360 --> 00:54:28,880
The third person to emerge was Marc,
our sound engineer.
923
00:54:29,280 --> 00:54:32,080
He also had a haunted look on his face.
924
00:54:32,880 --> 00:54:37,080
It's at that point that I realize that
throughout the entire ordeal in the woods,
925
00:54:37,560 --> 00:54:39,800
we had been wearing microphones.
926
00:54:42,880 --> 00:54:45,240
Then, as if it couldn't get any worse,
927
00:54:45,320 --> 00:54:49,480
the crunch of tires on gravel,
an armored vehicle pulls up.
928
00:54:49,920 --> 00:54:53,440
And from that armored vehicle
emerged three armed members
929
00:54:53,520 --> 00:54:56,120
of the Ukrainian military police.
930
00:54:56,520 --> 00:55:00,480
They assess the scene,
they see my father's ashen face,
931
00:55:00,560 --> 00:55:03,520
they see the signs
that we have completely ignored,
932
00:55:03,720 --> 00:55:08,840
and they see the site of Chernobyl's
second worst ever nuclear fallout.
933
00:55:09,480 --> 00:55:11,800
They do not look best pleased.
934
00:55:11,880 --> 00:55:15,360
It's at that point that I think quickly
and I intervene.
935
00:55:15,440 --> 00:55:18,520
I'm like: "Gentlemen,
before you say anything,
936
00:55:18,600 --> 00:55:22,880
can I just point out
that I have read all of the signs here,
937
00:55:22,960 --> 00:55:25,680
and nowhere can I see one that says,
938
00:55:26,040 --> 00:55:31,400
'Would you please refrain from entering
the woods with active diarrhea.'"
939
00:55:38,040 --> 00:55:41,080
Wembley,
you've been absolutely amazing.
940
00:55:41,160 --> 00:55:44,520
Thank you very much.
I've been Jack Whitehall, good night.
941
00:56:01,080 --> 00:56:03,800
I don't know
why you're fucking smirking.
942
00:56:03,880 --> 00:56:07,760
-We've ended up in hospital in Chernobyl.
943
00:56:19,080 --> 00:56:22,120
I look like
I'm being basted for Christmas.
944
00:56:24,520 --> 00:56:27,200
Why're they lined up?
You're not Prince Charles.
945
00:56:28,120 --> 00:56:33,120
I would like to thank you all very much
for looking after me so well.
946
00:56:39,240 --> 00:56:43,520
And I will always have very fond memories
of this hospital,
947
00:56:43,800 --> 00:56:46,840
and of you three for looking after me.