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[Lewis Black narrates]
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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[Lewis Black] Making this show
very special to me.
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Thankfully,
our cameras were rolling.
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[laughs and whoos]
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Thanks, uh...
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Thanks for risking your life.
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[laughter]
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There have been times
where I've been kinda
shocked
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that people show up but...
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i-if the stock market
hadn't crashed,
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I would've-- I would've
been able to give
each of you a prize.
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[laughter]
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Fuck, I mean, the level
of desperation...
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that you're at is...
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[laughter]
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And I understand it,
'cause when they said
"No more sports,"
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I--I don't have a gun,
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[laughter]
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but I bought one.
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[laughter]
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I didn't know how many
days I could take without--
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I need fuckin'--
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I need a distraction!
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[laughter]
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Can't... fuckin'...
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ESPN should just turn
themselves off.
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Just stop it, okay?
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Just fucking go away
for a while.
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Or just have, you know,
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highly-paid athletes sit around
and read children's stories.
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[laughter]
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Since the kids are at home,
you know?
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Fuck 'em! Fuck 'em!
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I don't need to know
[speaks gibberish]
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Fuck you!
Fuck you, hard!
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And for me, it's like,
the fact that, you know,
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Major League Baseball
may not start for a while,
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is just, for me, is
a kind of a vacation,
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because my team is
the Baltimore Orioles.
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[laughter]
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And so that's like
rooting for
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this speaker to win
the World Series.
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[laughter and whistles]
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I'm avoiding getting started
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'cause it's hard to be
funny now.
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And-and...
you know why.
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'Cause...
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It's hard to be funny
when everything's going
so great.
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[laughter and whoos]
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It's just hard to be funny when
everybody's so fuckin' happy.
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[laughter]
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I travel everywhere
and everywhere I go,
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I know it seems odd,
but they are smiling
ear to fuckin' ear.
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It's like everybody's
on ecstasy.
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It is like wandering through
a great big Christian camp.
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And as a Jew, let me tell you
how fucking exhausting that is.
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[laughter]
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Sometimes when
I'm walking down the street,
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Really, I feel like I'm on
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a high school set of
a production of Annie,
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and at any moment,
everybody's gonna start
singing "Tomorrow."
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[laughter]
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There is a reason that
people are really happy,
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through all of this.
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Something that really is deep.
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And you forget it.
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And I'm here to remind you.
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'Cause--'cause that's my job.
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[laughter]
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It's true.
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You know, when I was a child,
I would get down
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on my hands and knees
every night
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and I would pray,
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"Please, dear God,
when I get older,
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please let there be...
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two-day free shipping."
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[laughter]
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And I think, quite honestly,
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that I speak for
all of us here tonight,
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when I say that our prayers...
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have been answered.
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[laughter and applause]
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If two-day free shipping
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doesn't make you happy,
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there is something
fucking wrong with you!
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[laughter and applause]
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The third time
I put in an order,
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and it arrived
two days later,
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Hoo! I threw away my
Xanax prescription.
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[laughter]
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It's true, you gotta
remember that.
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Some of you will be at home,
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be a little sad.
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Fuckin' start buyin' shit.
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[laughter]
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Yesiree, Bob.
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You know, I was, uh...
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I'll give you an idea
of just how--
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how overwhelming
two-day free shipping is,
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when, in September,
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when I first wandering around
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this year and it was after
the summer break that I took,
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first city I went to,
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uh... was Rapid City,
South Dakota.
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Okay?
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And let me tell ya,
that "Rapid"...
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Don't--don't even fuckin' try.
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[laughter]
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You couldn't--
that was the most saddest
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attempt at applause
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I've ever fuckin' heard.
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[laughter]
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You literally went--
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[laughter]
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You've never been there!
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[laughter]
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That was like
a joke told badly.
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"Oh, I know what I'll do,
I'll applaud..."
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[laughter]
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Let me tell you, the--
you know, rapid,
the word 'rapid'
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has nothing to do with
[blubbers] Rapid City.
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[laughter]
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And I mean that.
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I-- Look...
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I don't know where
you've come from,
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but if you've thought
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"Boy, I gotta get
the fuck outta here."
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I gotta--I gotta find
another place to live.
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Okay?
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[laughter]
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"I gotta find--"
You--you get your ass
to Rapid City
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[laughter]
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Get on a plane and fly there,
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and I guarantee,
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you'll be there four hoursand you'll go, "Fuck it!
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I'm walkin' home."
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You drive to Rapid City,
you drive, drive, drive--
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nothin', fuck, nothin',
nothin', fuckin' nothing!
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Nothing, nothing.
It's South Dakota.
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South Dakota,
which worries about
immigrants comin',
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you can take 10,000 Syrians,
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drop 'em in South Dakota,
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nobody will ever
fuckin' find 'em.
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[laughter]
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[whoos]
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You drive, you drive,
there's nothin',
there's nothin'
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there's nothin',
there's nothin'
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All of a sudden,
you go, "Fuck!
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Now I understand what
existentialism's all about."
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[laughter]
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And then, all of a sudden,there's Rapid City.
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Ooh. And then you leave.
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And there's nothin'
and fuckin' nothin'.
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Nothin'. Not a fuckin'
Goddamn fuckin' nothin'!
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[laughter]
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First exit you come to,
70 miles later,
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it says, "Don't bother."
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[laughter]
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Most places I've traveled
in the United States,
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you have a fuckin' sense
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of why people settled there.
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Rapid City...
holy fuck!
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[laughter]
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The only thing I figured,
there was a wagon train
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and they just went--
[sucking sound]
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"Fuck it!
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[laughter]
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I'm tuckered out."
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[laughter]
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[applause]
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After forming Rapid City,
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and I said,
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the words
"Two-day free shipping,"
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and that audience wept
for an hour.
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[laughter]
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the reason two-day
free shipping is so important,
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is because each of us,
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has a hole in our hearts.
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Yes, we do.
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And the only thing
that fills that hole,
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is when we see somethin'
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that we really want,
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and we fuckin' buy it!
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[laughter]
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it could be as simple as
a pair of socks with
unicorns on it
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and that thing arrives
at your house, that box,
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and you rip that box open,
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and you grab
that pair of socks,
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and you shove it
right in that hole.
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and you feel good for
about an hour and a half.
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And then you think,
"Fuck!
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I shoulda got a dozen pair!
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[laughter]
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They're on sale!"
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[laughter]
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[applause]
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Or, you can find yourself
sittin' on a toilet seat
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in a--in a bathroom.
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in a--in a gas station.
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Did you--did you hear
how fuckin' silent you got?
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[laughter]
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Like, "Oh, not me."
Fuck you!
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Everyone of you's been there.
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Everyone one of you
has sat there
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and looked at
the lock on that door,
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going, "I hope it holds."
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[laughter]
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And you sit there...
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Now, and it used to be
depressing. Not anymore.
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Because now you think,
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"This is'll be the perfect timeto buy that Barcalounger."
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You take out your smartphone,
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you bring up the Barcalounger,
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it's this big, isn't it?
You make it bigger!
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Bigger! Until it fills
the screen!
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That's a fuckin' miracle!
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[laughter]
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Then you pick the color,
everything you want.
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00:10:26,833 --> 00:10:29,525
"Do you wanna have a place
to put your beer?"
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That's why
I'm fuckin' buyin' it!
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[laughter]
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Then you hit the button.
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Fuck! It's gonna comein two days!
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00:10:36,532 --> 00:10:37,982
Son of a bitch!
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You're so excited,you can barelyget your pants on.
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You kick open the door,
you're dancin' around,
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"I'm gonna have a Barcalounger!
I'm gonna have a Barcalounger!"
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00:10:46,197 --> 00:10:47,681
[laughter]
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Then you go...
"What--
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What if they send
the Barcalounger
to this gas station?
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[laughter]
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00:11:02,765 --> 00:11:04,836
And now you're
a little depressed, aren't ya?
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So you go into the gas station
and you grab yourself
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00:11:08,357 --> 00:11:10,014
a 64-ounce Mr. Pibb,
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and one of those corndogs
that's been flippin' around
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in the rotisserie...
for 30 hours...
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00:11:15,985 --> 00:11:18,539
awaiting... your arrival.
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[laughter]
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And you stand there
holding them both
in your hands.
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And for one brief moment,
you think,
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"Fuck!
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It's great to be an American."
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[laughter]
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00:11:31,656 --> 00:11:33,244
[applause]
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[cheers and whoos]
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These are great times.
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They really are.
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We've now discovered, uh,
a whole new way...
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of not gettin' shit done.
252
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For the last thirty years,
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no other country on Earth
is more accomplished,
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than having more and
being able to do less with it.
255
00:12:01,548 --> 00:12:04,206
Yeah. I don't even
expect you to laugh.
256
00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:06,449
And I don't give a fuck
if you do or don't.
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00:12:06,484 --> 00:12:07,554
[laughter]
258
00:12:07,588 --> 00:12:09,798
'Cause you know it's true.
259
00:12:09,832 --> 00:12:11,627
We have roads that
need to be fixed.
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00:12:11,661 --> 00:12:13,974
[blubbers] Why?
261
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Why would we do that?
262
00:12:15,596 --> 00:12:17,357
We've gotta argue about it.
263
00:12:17,391 --> 00:12:20,015
There's no reason to argue
about fixing a road.
264
00:12:20,049 --> 00:12:21,982
There's nothing political
about a road, is there?
265
00:12:22,017 --> 00:12:23,984
It's a fuckin' road,
douchebag.
266
00:12:24,019 --> 00:12:26,676
[laughter]
267
00:12:26,711 --> 00:12:29,852
There's no politics in a road.
Why? 'Cause there's a left side
and a right side.
268
00:12:29,887 --> 00:12:31,474
[sing-songy]
Ha ha ha ha ha.
269
00:12:31,509 --> 00:12:32,821
[laughter]
270
00:12:34,546 --> 00:12:36,065
[applause]
271
00:12:38,102 --> 00:12:40,414
Now they're arguing
about how to deal with the...
272
00:12:40,449 --> 00:12:44,073
[chuckles]
You need a bill in Congress
to deal with the pandemic.
273
00:12:44,108 --> 00:12:45,765
And what are they doin'?
274
00:12:45,799 --> 00:12:46,869
[blows raspberry]
275
00:12:46,904 --> 00:12:48,353
[laughter]
276
00:12:51,356 --> 00:12:52,564
It's beyond belief.
277
00:12:52,599 --> 00:12:54,118
Just have a scientist.
278
00:12:54,152 --> 00:12:57,121
You ask the scientist,"What do you need?What needs to be done?"
279
00:12:58,018 --> 00:12:59,571
They're arguing about it.
280
00:12:59,606 --> 00:13:01,021
There's no fuckin' argument.
281
00:13:01,056 --> 00:13:03,265
Get the fuck on it, you idiots.
282
00:13:03,299 --> 00:13:04,335
[laughter]
283
00:13:04,369 --> 00:13:06,061
I don't care what side
you're on.
284
00:13:07,027 --> 00:13:08,442
Get the fuck on it.
285
00:13:09,409 --> 00:13:11,342
There's no discussion.
286
00:13:11,376 --> 00:13:13,137
Okay? It's a fuckin' virus.
287
00:13:13,171 --> 00:13:14,276
Fuck you!
288
00:13:14,310 --> 00:13:15,553
[laughter]
289
00:13:17,589 --> 00:13:19,522
You say to everybody,
"Go home."
290
00:13:19,557 --> 00:13:22,077
Well, [blubbers]
Figure out what
we're gonna do.
291
00:13:22,111 --> 00:13:23,216
[laughter]
292
00:13:23,250 --> 00:13:25,321
Okay?
293
00:13:25,356 --> 00:13:27,910
If you need to give peoplesick-leave, you give 'emfuckin' sick-leave.
294
00:13:27,945 --> 00:13:29,670
If you need to have
a payroll tax,
295
00:13:29,705 --> 00:13:30,844
you do a payroll tax.
296
00:13:30,879 --> 00:13:33,122
I don't give a shit, just fuckin' do it!
297
00:13:33,157 --> 00:13:34,434
[laughter]
298
00:13:34,468 --> 00:13:36,263
[applause and cheers]
299
00:13:43,995 --> 00:13:46,032
We've done something with
these two political parties
300
00:13:46,066 --> 00:13:48,310
that really is unbelievable.
301
00:13:48,344 --> 00:13:49,621
No other country has done it.
302
00:13:50,484 --> 00:13:52,693
No other country.
303
00:13:52,728 --> 00:13:55,351
We used to have parties
that argue ideas.
304
00:13:55,386 --> 00:13:57,940
Ha ha! Not anymore.
305
00:13:57,975 --> 00:14:01,288
Now we have two--
two separate political parties
306
00:14:01,323 --> 00:14:05,396
that actually exist
in two totally different
realities.
307
00:14:07,122 --> 00:14:09,365
and if you didn't
laugh at that, fuck you!
308
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:10,850
[laughter]
309
00:14:13,024 --> 00:14:15,613
And I mean it.
As a friend, I mean it.
310
00:14:15,647 --> 00:14:18,029
[laughter]
311
00:14:18,064 --> 00:14:19,582
They are living
in different realities.
312
00:14:19,617 --> 00:14:20,998
How do I know that?
313
00:14:21,032 --> 00:14:22,447
I took LSD.
314
00:14:22,482 --> 00:14:23,621
[laughter]
315
00:14:23,655 --> 00:14:25,002
That's how I fuckin'
know it.
316
00:14:25,036 --> 00:14:26,589
And then I walked around
317
00:14:26,624 --> 00:14:28,143
and there were straight
people everywhere.
318
00:14:28,177 --> 00:14:29,592
And I was on LSD.
319
00:14:29,627 --> 00:14:33,148
We were on two differentfuckin' planets, weren't we?
320
00:14:33,182 --> 00:14:35,598
I was me and they all
looked like snakes.
321
00:14:35,633 --> 00:14:37,014
[laughter]
322
00:14:41,294 --> 00:14:45,263
Some of you,
uh, I know, are...
323
00:14:45,298 --> 00:14:48,059
are worried about
climate change
and global warming.
324
00:14:48,094 --> 00:14:52,581
Uh, because you're afraid
it might lead to the end
of the world as we know it.
325
00:14:52,615 --> 00:14:55,377
Or at least be [sputters]
uncomfortable.
326
00:14:55,411 --> 00:14:57,275
[laughter]
327
00:14:57,310 --> 00:14:59,208
And the reason that
many of you think that
328
00:15:00,244 --> 00:15:01,901
is because...
329
00:15:01,935 --> 00:15:04,144
you listen to scientists.
330
00:15:04,179 --> 00:15:05,801
[laughter]
331
00:15:05,835 --> 00:15:06,871
And, uh...
332
00:15:08,838 --> 00:15:10,495
and those of you
that didn't applaud,
333
00:15:10,530 --> 00:15:12,152
I'm interested in who
you listen to.
334
00:15:12,187 --> 00:15:14,775
[laughter]
335
00:15:14,810 --> 00:15:18,365
No, people do listen--
that's--that's who you
listen to.
336
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:19,642
And a lot of you
do listen to them,
337
00:15:19,677 --> 00:15:21,127
because it turns out...
338
00:15:22,438 --> 00:15:25,683
that 96% of the world's
scientists actually agree
339
00:15:25,717 --> 00:15:28,444
uh, that global warming
and climate change
340
00:15:28,479 --> 00:15:30,653
may make things
really uncomfortable.
341
00:15:30,688 --> 00:15:32,966
And I know it's 96%
342
00:15:33,001 --> 00:15:35,693
because I did research!
343
00:15:35,727 --> 00:15:36,936
[laughter]
344
00:15:36,970 --> 00:15:38,972
And if you think I'm happydoing research,
345
00:15:39,007 --> 00:15:41,285
go fuck yourself!
346
00:15:41,319 --> 00:15:43,597
If you think I got
into this profession,
347
00:15:43,632 --> 00:15:46,048
to look shit up, no!
348
00:15:46,083 --> 00:15:49,120
I got into this profession
to make shit up.
349
00:15:49,155 --> 00:15:50,432
[laughter]
350
00:15:54,712 --> 00:15:56,231
And the problem is...
351
00:15:56,265 --> 00:15:58,336
when you listen
to those scientists,
352
00:15:58,371 --> 00:16:02,340
that can really
fuck up a day.
353
00:16:02,375 --> 00:16:04,480
You listen to what theyhave to say, a lot of you,
354
00:16:04,515 --> 00:16:09,313
and you just go, "Fuck!
I'm too depressed.
I gotta take a nap."
355
00:16:09,347 --> 00:16:11,384
And there's not enough
two-day free shipping
356
00:16:11,418 --> 00:16:13,075
that'll get you over the hump.
357
00:16:13,110 --> 00:16:14,421
[laughter]
358
00:16:16,734 --> 00:16:18,253
But you don't have to
worry anymore.
359
00:16:19,012 --> 00:16:20,738
No, you don't.
360
00:16:20,772 --> 00:16:23,361
Because we the people
made a conscious decision.
361
00:16:23,396 --> 00:16:25,501
Yes, we did.
362
00:16:25,536 --> 00:16:28,090
We decided that what
we were gonna do
363
00:16:28,125 --> 00:16:31,818
was hand over the problem
of dealing with global warming
and climate change
364
00:16:31,852 --> 00:16:34,614
to a whole group of people
365
00:16:35,787 --> 00:16:37,997
who never, and I mean never,
366
00:16:38,825 --> 00:16:40,275
passed a science class.
367
00:16:40,309 --> 00:16:41,517
[laughter]
368
00:16:42,794 --> 00:16:43,864
And...
369
00:16:45,832 --> 00:16:49,491
And they don't deal with this,
with, uh, here...
370
00:16:50,492 --> 00:16:51,458
Okay?
371
00:16:51,493 --> 00:16:53,012
They deal with it here.
372
00:16:54,047 --> 00:16:55,014
Thank you!
373
00:16:55,048 --> 00:16:56,291
[laughter]
374
00:16:56,325 --> 00:16:58,845
They deal with it
instinctively.
375
00:16:58,879 --> 00:17:00,709
That's what they do.
376
00:17:00,743 --> 00:17:02,124
And their instincts say,
377
00:17:02,159 --> 00:17:04,023
[pops] "Fuck it."
378
00:17:05,300 --> 00:17:07,095
And so I don't know about you,
but...
379
00:17:07,129 --> 00:17:09,062
I'm feelin' better already.
380
00:17:09,097 --> 00:17:10,408
[laughter]
381
00:17:12,065 --> 00:17:15,586
Many of you, I'm sure,
382
00:17:15,620 --> 00:17:17,415
don't listen to our leader
and that is--
383
00:17:17,450 --> 00:17:19,383
that's a big mistake.
384
00:17:19,417 --> 00:17:21,626
I know that when he comes on,
so of you go--
385
00:17:21,661 --> 00:17:22,765
Uhhhh!
386
00:17:24,112 --> 00:17:26,010
And you're missing
something important.
387
00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:28,081
An important lesson.
388
00:17:28,116 --> 00:17:30,083
One that he has taught me
389
00:17:30,118 --> 00:17:31,636
and it has changed my life.
390
00:17:31,671 --> 00:17:35,192
And one of the reasonsthat I'm visiting your vi-llage
391
00:17:35,226 --> 00:17:37,159
is to share that with you.
392
00:17:37,194 --> 00:17:38,402
[laughter]
393
00:17:38,436 --> 00:17:40,680
That's right.
394
00:17:40,714 --> 00:17:43,234
And what is that
important message?
395
00:17:43,269 --> 00:17:45,271
And what is it
that changed my life?
396
00:17:45,305 --> 00:17:48,584
And what is it that
makes me so fuckin'
happy now?
397
00:17:48,619 --> 00:17:52,692
Is because my--my leader
has taught me that
if I think it...
398
00:17:55,384 --> 00:17:56,489
it's true.
399
00:17:56,523 --> 00:17:57,869
[laughter]
400
00:17:59,319 --> 00:18:00,734
[cheers]
401
00:18:04,773 --> 00:18:06,326
And if I say it,
402
00:18:07,500 --> 00:18:09,260
it's even truer.
403
00:18:09,295 --> 00:18:10,399
[laughter]
404
00:18:12,367 --> 00:18:14,196
Many of you don't know this.
405
00:18:14,231 --> 00:18:15,991
but my breastmilk...
406
00:18:16,025 --> 00:18:17,130
[laughter]
407
00:18:19,028 --> 00:18:22,618
is a magical elixir
for kittens.
408
00:18:22,653 --> 00:18:24,068
[laughter]
409
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:25,276
Yes.
410
00:18:25,311 --> 00:18:27,106
Yes, it fucking is.
411
00:18:27,140 --> 00:18:28,107
[laughter]
412
00:18:28,141 --> 00:18:29,418
Go to my website.
413
00:18:30,350 --> 00:18:31,731
Two-day free shipping.
414
00:18:31,765 --> 00:18:32,870
[laughter]
415
00:18:32,904 --> 00:18:34,458
[applause]
416
00:18:37,150 --> 00:18:39,946
I could--I could
pull my fly down now,
417
00:18:39,980 --> 00:18:42,604
and my cock would hit
the back of this room.
418
00:18:42,638 --> 00:18:44,088
Yes it would!
419
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:46,987
Yes. It. Would.
420
00:18:47,022 --> 00:18:48,161
[laughter]
421
00:18:49,576 --> 00:18:50,991
I know this
'cause I....
422
00:18:52,027 --> 00:18:52,993
Thought it.
423
00:18:53,028 --> 00:18:54,236
[laughter]
424
00:18:55,996 --> 00:18:57,998
Many is the time
I stand on the street
425
00:18:58,033 --> 00:19:00,484
a woman has to stand
a block away
426
00:19:01,864 --> 00:19:02,969
to talk to me.
427
00:19:03,003 --> 00:19:06,179
I can barely see the awe
that's in her eyes.
428
00:19:06,214 --> 00:19:07,318
[laughter]
429
00:19:09,838 --> 00:19:11,771
I'll be returning next year
with my new show,
430
00:19:11,805 --> 00:19:14,532
Lew Black and his
Big Magical Cock,
431
00:19:14,567 --> 00:19:15,637
You're gonna want to
see that.
432
00:19:15,671 --> 00:19:16,741
[laughter]
433
00:19:19,365 --> 00:19:20,814
My cock is so big,
434
00:19:20,849 --> 00:19:23,127
they're gonna have to
reconfigure this stage.
435
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:24,439
[laughter]
436
00:19:24,473 --> 00:19:26,993
My cock's gonnago there, and there,and there,
437
00:19:27,027 --> 00:19:29,029
and there, there.
438
00:19:29,064 --> 00:19:30,962
The light show's spectacular.
439
00:19:30,997 --> 00:19:33,413
You're gonna want to
get the soundtrack.
440
00:19:33,448 --> 00:19:37,555
They are building doors now
so that my cock can get out
into the street.
441
00:19:37,590 --> 00:19:40,455
Because my cock
needs to breathe.
442
00:19:40,489 --> 00:19:42,146
[laughter]
443
00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:45,218
And there, they will put
35 parakeets on the end
of my cock,
444
00:19:45,253 --> 00:19:47,289
I will pull back,
I will disappear.
445
00:19:47,324 --> 00:19:49,084
All you will see
is my cock,
446
00:19:49,118 --> 00:19:51,535
and 35 parakeets
and they will sing for you,
447
00:19:51,569 --> 00:19:54,572
"Tomorrow" from Annie.
448
00:19:54,607 --> 00:19:55,849
[laughter]
449
00:20:01,234 --> 00:20:04,582
I hope, uh, I remember, uh,
my whole act tonight,
450
00:20:04,617 --> 00:20:07,378
because I forgot to take
my Prevagen.
451
00:20:07,413 --> 00:20:09,518
Prevagen, for those of you
who don't know,
452
00:20:09,553 --> 00:20:11,313
and obviously some of you
fuckin' don't,
453
00:20:11,348 --> 00:20:12,314
[laughter]
454
00:20:12,349 --> 00:20:15,110
is a remarkablememory-enhancing drug.
455
00:20:15,144 --> 00:20:16,974
It's spectacular.
456
00:20:17,008 --> 00:20:19,356
It's a miracle.
457
00:20:19,390 --> 00:20:21,530
If I've taken my Prevagen,
I would've remembered
458
00:20:21,565 --> 00:20:23,325
to take my Prevagen.
459
00:20:23,360 --> 00:20:24,844
[laughter]
460
00:20:26,535 --> 00:20:27,743
It's so powerful,
461
00:20:27,778 --> 00:20:30,021
you don't even needa prescription.
462
00:20:31,368 --> 00:20:33,680
It's as powerful
in many ways,
463
00:20:33,715 --> 00:20:35,199
and as much as a miracle,
464
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:37,305
as our other drugs
that are miracles.
465
00:20:37,339 --> 00:20:39,824
Vitamin C and aspirin.
466
00:20:39,859 --> 00:20:43,690
Every--every drug store
in America sells it.
467
00:20:43,725 --> 00:20:46,728
It's still on the shelves,
unlike toilet paper.
468
00:20:46,762 --> 00:20:48,108
[laughter]
469
00:20:49,627 --> 00:20:50,628
Yesiree.
470
00:20:50,663 --> 00:20:52,285
You could buyas much as you want.
471
00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:54,045
I buy 1,000 boxes a week.
472
00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:55,771
I take 5,000 tabs a day.
473
00:20:55,806 --> 00:20:56,945
[laughter]
474
00:20:56,979 --> 00:20:58,118
I'm having memories
475
00:20:58,153 --> 00:21:00,259
of experiences that haven'teven happened yet.
476
00:21:01,846 --> 00:21:04,263
I am living in the future.
477
00:21:06,092 --> 00:21:07,749
Now I know that some of you,
478
00:21:08,991 --> 00:21:10,407
some of you don't know
about Prevagen
479
00:21:10,441 --> 00:21:13,237
because you stopped watching
news on television,
480
00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:14,825
because you believe...
481
00:21:15,619 --> 00:21:17,828
it is "fake news."
482
00:21:17,862 --> 00:21:20,140
Or, you know, you have
family members,
483
00:21:20,175 --> 00:21:22,453
that you've visited
maybe on Thanksgiving.
484
00:21:22,488 --> 00:21:24,317
And they told you
485
00:21:24,352 --> 00:21:26,595
that they don't watch
news on TV anymore
486
00:21:26,630 --> 00:21:28,252
because they believe
it's fake news.
487
00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:31,082
And that must've been
a fun thanksgiving meal.
488
00:21:32,774 --> 00:21:35,017
I'm here to tell you...
489
00:21:35,052 --> 00:21:37,157
if you've watched news
as long as I have,
490
00:21:37,192 --> 00:21:39,850
anyone who's watched news
491
00:21:39,884 --> 00:21:41,161
for a long, long time,
492
00:21:41,196 --> 00:21:43,474
knows better.
493
00:21:43,509 --> 00:21:46,339
There's no fake news,
okay?
494
00:21:46,374 --> 00:21:49,031
When I was a child,
we would sit around the table,
495
00:21:49,066 --> 00:21:51,344
it'll be my mother, my father,
and my brother Ron.
496
00:21:51,379 --> 00:21:54,174
At the end of the table,
497
00:21:54,209 --> 00:21:57,488
uh, on the television,
was Walter Cronkite.
498
00:21:57,523 --> 00:22:00,940
I thought he was there
because maybe he was
a cousin or somethin'.
499
00:22:00,974 --> 00:22:02,182
[laughter]
500
00:22:03,770 --> 00:22:05,807
I've been watching
news all my life.
501
00:22:05,841 --> 00:22:07,395
On TV.
502
00:22:07,429 --> 00:22:11,364
And what you learn
is really simple.
503
00:22:11,399 --> 00:22:13,918
And that is,
there is not fake news,
504
00:22:13,953 --> 00:22:15,955
because those fuckers
aren't smart enough
505
00:22:15,989 --> 00:22:17,266
to make shit up.
506
00:22:17,301 --> 00:22:19,130
[laughter]
507
00:22:19,165 --> 00:22:20,856
It's "news," shit-for-brains.
508
00:22:22,824 --> 00:22:24,929
It's that simple.
509
00:22:24,964 --> 00:22:27,691
When you see something,
and then you see it again.
510
00:22:29,382 --> 00:22:30,797
And then you see it again.
511
00:22:30,832 --> 00:22:32,281
There's a reason for that.
512
00:22:32,316 --> 00:22:33,904
It actually fuckin' happened!
513
00:22:33,938 --> 00:22:35,319
[laughter]
514
00:22:38,287 --> 00:22:40,013
Here's the news.
515
00:22:40,048 --> 00:22:42,050
"There it is. Hoo!
516
00:22:42,809 --> 00:22:43,879
Look at that!
517
00:22:45,156 --> 00:22:46,192
Wow!
518
00:22:46,882 --> 00:22:47,952
Back to you."
519
00:22:47,987 --> 00:22:49,126
[laughter]
520
00:22:50,679 --> 00:22:53,095
That's the fucking news.
521
00:22:53,130 --> 00:22:56,167
I don't care what
you're watching.
522
00:22:56,202 --> 00:22:59,136
You think yours is the better
news-delivery system.
523
00:22:59,170 --> 00:23:00,862
MSNBC,
524
00:23:00,896 --> 00:23:02,277
Fox,
525
00:23:02,311 --> 00:23:04,935
CNN. They're all
the fuckin' same.
526
00:23:05,798 --> 00:23:07,386
The problem is this:
527
00:23:07,420 --> 00:23:09,146
They show you somethin'.
528
00:23:09,180 --> 00:23:10,906
And then six fuckers--
529
00:23:10,941 --> 00:23:13,495
Six fuckers you've never seen
show up
530
00:23:13,530 --> 00:23:15,842
and start telling you
what they saw.
531
00:23:15,877 --> 00:23:17,844
And you sit there and go,
532
00:23:17,879 --> 00:23:20,122
"Shut the fuck up!
I saw it.
533
00:23:21,676 --> 00:23:23,609
I know what I saw,
shit-for-brains.
534
00:23:23,643 --> 00:23:25,990
Why are you telling me
what you saw?"
535
00:23:26,025 --> 00:23:27,440
How did you get that job?
536
00:23:27,475 --> 00:23:28,890
I could sit there
and tell people
537
00:23:28,924 --> 00:23:31,444
what I fuckin' saw, too.
538
00:23:31,479 --> 00:23:33,342
And what I saw was
much more si--
539
00:23:33,377 --> 00:23:36,104
Well, I fuckin' saw it
much more clearly
than you did,
540
00:23:36,138 --> 00:23:37,485
you fuckin' idiots.
541
00:23:37,519 --> 00:23:38,624
[laughter]
542
00:23:38,658 --> 00:23:40,936
And you sit and watch thatfor eight minutes
543
00:23:40,971 --> 00:23:45,354
whether it's Fox,
MSNBC, or CNN.
544
00:23:45,389 --> 00:23:48,185
And by the end of it,
you go, "Fuck!
545
00:23:49,635 --> 00:23:51,188
I don't remember what I saw.
546
00:23:51,222 --> 00:23:52,431
[laughter]
547
00:23:55,157 --> 00:23:56,745
And then they have
an ad for Prevagen.
548
00:23:56,780 --> 00:23:58,229
[laughter]
549
00:24:05,305 --> 00:24:08,792
That is not "fake news."
550
00:24:08,826 --> 00:24:11,657
That is news delivered
shittily.
551
00:24:11,691 --> 00:24:12,899
[laughter]
552
00:24:12,934 --> 00:24:15,488
That's what that is.
553
00:24:15,523 --> 00:24:18,836
I am tired of
political commentators
554
00:24:18,871 --> 00:24:20,528
on news shows.
555
00:24:20,562 --> 00:24:21,977
They shouldn't be there.
556
00:24:22,012 --> 00:24:24,083
I don't care which
channel you're watching.
557
00:24:24,117 --> 00:24:26,499
They shouldn't fucking
be there.
558
00:24:26,534 --> 00:24:28,467
You want a political
commentator?
559
00:24:28,501 --> 00:24:30,503
Then bring on
a barnyard animal.
560
00:24:30,538 --> 00:24:31,711
[laughter]
561
00:24:31,746 --> 00:24:33,506
They have more
to say to us.
562
00:24:33,541 --> 00:24:34,921
Like a lamb.
563
00:24:34,956 --> 00:24:36,509
"What did you think, lamb?"
564
00:24:36,544 --> 00:24:37,614
Baaaa...
565
00:24:37,648 --> 00:24:38,787
[laughter]
566
00:24:40,617 --> 00:24:41,963
"Back to you."
567
00:24:41,997 --> 00:24:43,102
[laughter]
568
00:24:47,762 --> 00:24:51,904
Prevagen contains an ingredient
that was found in jellyfish.
569
00:24:53,112 --> 00:24:55,701
That's one of the reasons
you fuckers live here.
570
00:24:56,771 --> 00:24:57,875
You know why?
571
00:24:57,910 --> 00:24:59,877
'Cause you're afraidof jellyfish.
572
00:24:59,912 --> 00:25:00,982
[laughter]
573
00:25:01,016 --> 00:25:02,121
Yeah, you are.
574
00:25:03,398 --> 00:25:05,400
You really are
and it makes me sick.
575
00:25:05,434 --> 00:25:06,746
[laughter]
576
00:25:06,781 --> 00:25:08,196
But I can understand it.
577
00:25:08,230 --> 00:25:10,819
You went, "Fuck! It's gonnabe a shitty day."
578
00:25:10,854 --> 00:25:13,546
But no jellyfish is
gonna sting my ass!
579
00:25:13,581 --> 00:25:14,823
[laughter]
580
00:25:17,032 --> 00:25:20,449
I figure the way they found
an ingredient in jellyfish
581
00:25:20,484 --> 00:25:22,866
is somebody was
walking down the beach
582
00:25:22,900 --> 00:25:24,419
and was feelin'
a little hungry.
583
00:25:24,453 --> 00:25:26,145
And they wanted to go home
and they thought,
584
00:25:26,179 --> 00:25:27,387
"I'll take one more swim,"
585
00:25:27,422 --> 00:25:29,286
and they jumped in the waterand swam for a while.
586
00:25:29,320 --> 00:25:31,081
and then they saw
a jellyfish,
587
00:25:31,115 --> 00:25:33,462
and they said,
"Mmm, that looks tasty."
588
00:25:33,497 --> 00:25:35,879
And they swam up to it
and took a big bite.
589
00:25:35,913 --> 00:25:37,328
And went, "Fuck!
590
00:25:37,363 --> 00:25:38,744
Now I remember."
591
00:25:38,778 --> 00:25:40,090
[laughter]
592
00:25:41,954 --> 00:25:43,231
I know, uh,
593
00:25:43,265 --> 00:25:45,578
that many of you
594
00:25:45,613 --> 00:25:48,754
are paying, uh, an exorbitant
amount of money
595
00:25:48,788 --> 00:25:50,928
for your prescription drugs.
596
00:25:50,963 --> 00:25:53,621
Prescription drugs
that are necessary
597
00:25:53,655 --> 00:25:56,140
for you to be able
to see tomorrow.
598
00:25:57,245 --> 00:25:59,212
Exorbitant prices for drugs
599
00:25:59,247 --> 00:26:02,457
that allow you to lead
a better and healthier life.
600
00:26:03,700 --> 00:26:05,564
There are a lot of people
who are doing that.
601
00:26:05,598 --> 00:26:07,082
And if you're not,
602
00:26:07,117 --> 00:26:08,532
then you know someone who is.
603
00:26:08,567 --> 00:26:10,879
Or you have
a family member who is.
604
00:26:10,914 --> 00:26:12,363
Okay?
605
00:26:12,398 --> 00:26:14,193
That's just
the way it is now.
606
00:26:14,227 --> 00:26:18,507
And we know for a fact
'cause everyone's heard it.
607
00:26:18,542 --> 00:26:22,097
That many Americans are forced
to choose between
608
00:26:22,132 --> 00:26:24,444
whether they buy
the prescription drug,
609
00:26:24,479 --> 00:26:26,412
or whether they eat.
610
00:26:26,446 --> 00:26:29,311
Ooh, there's
an interesting concept.
611
00:26:29,346 --> 00:26:33,902
"Gee, do I take
the prescription drug
and starve to death?
612
00:26:33,937 --> 00:26:36,974
Or do I eat and
[blubbers] fuckin'
die from what I've got?"
613
00:26:37,009 --> 00:26:38,355
[laughs]
614
00:26:38,389 --> 00:26:40,012
Nobody should be put
in that position.
615
00:26:40,046 --> 00:26:41,600
But we've managed to do it.
616
00:26:41,634 --> 00:26:44,672
And the reason that the prices
are as high as they are,
617
00:26:44,706 --> 00:26:47,364
is--is that we're about
one of only two countries
618
00:26:47,398 --> 00:26:49,090
in the whole planet
619
00:26:49,124 --> 00:26:50,885
who made a decision
620
00:26:50,919 --> 00:26:54,785
to advertise drugs
to ourselves.
621
00:26:54,820 --> 00:26:56,960
Prescription drugs.
622
00:26:56,994 --> 00:27:01,274
The only other country
that does that is New Zealand.
623
00:27:01,309 --> 00:27:02,586
And that makes sense.
624
00:27:02,621 --> 00:27:05,485
Why? Because they're
way far away.
625
00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:07,591
"How far away, Lewis?"
626
00:27:07,626 --> 00:27:11,664
They're so fuckin' far away,
that it's tomorrow there.
627
00:27:11,699 --> 00:27:13,045
[laughter]
628
00:27:14,978 --> 00:27:18,498
Why are we advertising
drugs to ourselves?
629
00:27:18,533 --> 00:27:19,983
There's no reason for that.
630
00:27:20,017 --> 00:27:22,986
None. None at all.
631
00:27:23,020 --> 00:27:25,816
Why do you see the doctor,
numbnuts?
632
00:27:25,851 --> 00:27:28,474
Do you think that the doctors
are making shit up
633
00:27:28,508 --> 00:27:29,786
when he tells you
what to take?
634
00:27:29,820 --> 00:27:32,961
Do you think the doctor'shiding the good shit from you?
635
00:27:34,273 --> 00:27:36,068
Boy, I gotta go home
and watch TV
636
00:27:36,102 --> 00:27:38,518
and see what the dealer
has to say.
637
00:27:38,553 --> 00:27:39,692
[laughter]
638
00:27:41,314 --> 00:27:42,868
Have you watched those ads?
639
00:27:42,902 --> 00:27:45,905
Some of the ads,
I don't even know what
the fuckin' diseases are.
640
00:27:47,079 --> 00:27:49,702
There's that ad for AFib.What the fuck is AFib?
641
00:27:49,737 --> 00:27:52,015
What the fuck is AFib?!
642
00:27:52,981 --> 00:27:54,707
I know nobody with AFib.
643
00:27:54,742 --> 00:27:56,502
I know what a fib is,
644
00:27:56,536 --> 00:27:57,848
it's a little lie.
645
00:27:57,883 --> 00:27:59,194
That's AFib.
646
00:27:59,229 --> 00:28:00,264
[laughter]
647
00:28:01,403 --> 00:28:02,819
That means that fucker
648
00:28:02,853 --> 00:28:05,407
was lyin', uh, little lies
all the time.
649
00:28:05,442 --> 00:28:07,962
Took the drug, now he ain't
doin' little lies.
650
00:28:08,928 --> 00:28:11,310
Who knew that was a problem?
651
00:28:11,344 --> 00:28:12,932
There's three separate ads
652
00:28:12,967 --> 00:28:15,486
in which people who seem
to be really fuckin' happy
653
00:28:15,521 --> 00:28:17,350
when they go to crafts fairs.
654
00:28:18,248 --> 00:28:19,905
Are you shitting me?
655
00:28:21,700 --> 00:28:25,013
Were they having difficulty
going to crafts fairs?
656
00:28:25,048 --> 00:28:27,464
Do they have a fear
of crafts fairs?
657
00:28:27,498 --> 00:28:30,260
"God Damnit, I've got to get
to a crafts fair.
658
00:28:30,294 --> 00:28:32,883
Son of a bitch,
I need a dreamcatcher."
659
00:28:32,918 --> 00:28:34,367
[laughter]
660
00:28:39,510 --> 00:28:41,961
There's a ad in which
there's a guy on the beach,
661
00:28:41,996 --> 00:28:43,273
and he's playing the cello.
662
00:28:43,307 --> 00:28:45,793
And he never knew
how to play the cello.
663
00:28:45,827 --> 00:28:49,382
But the pill that he's
taken made it possible
for him to play the cello.
664
00:28:49,417 --> 00:28:50,832
[laughter]
665
00:28:50,867 --> 00:28:53,110
Did you know that
William Shatner
666
00:28:54,146 --> 00:28:55,768
had sleep apnea?!
667
00:28:55,803 --> 00:28:56,804
[laughter]
668
00:28:58,633 --> 00:29:02,119
and he wasn't cleaning
his machine properly.
669
00:29:02,154 --> 00:29:04,535
[laughter]
670
00:29:04,570 --> 00:29:09,299
The man who dared to go
where no man has ever gone.
671
00:29:09,333 --> 00:29:11,991
He could've ended up
in the emergency room.
672
00:29:13,303 --> 00:29:14,511
I did not know...
673
00:29:16,168 --> 00:29:17,134
that, um...
674
00:29:17,169 --> 00:29:18,860
Cyndi Lauper [pops]
675
00:29:20,310 --> 00:29:21,656
had psoriasis.
676
00:29:25,280 --> 00:29:27,213
That's not good,
I had psoriasis.
677
00:29:27,248 --> 00:29:29,112
That's no fun.
678
00:29:29,146 --> 00:29:30,492
It's ruined her music for me
679
00:29:30,527 --> 00:29:32,287
because every time I hear
her sing, I think,
680
00:29:32,322 --> 00:29:34,773
"Fuck! I wonder if she was
itchy when she wrote that."
681
00:29:34,807 --> 00:29:35,843
[laughter]
682
00:29:38,328 --> 00:29:40,295
I heard "Girls Just Want To
Have Fun" this morning,
683
00:29:40,330 --> 00:29:42,470
I thought, [sucking sound]
"Was she chaffing?"
684
00:29:42,504 --> 00:29:43,989
[laughter]
685
00:29:50,719 --> 00:29:54,516
At last, a couple of weeks
before this part of the tour,
686
00:29:54,551 --> 00:29:56,760
I was lucky enough
to be able to route--
687
00:29:56,795 --> 00:29:59,452
the tour routed well
so I could go and see
my mother.
688
00:29:59,487 --> 00:30:01,351
It's important that
I see her now
689
00:30:01,385 --> 00:30:03,387
as much as possible.
690
00:30:03,422 --> 00:30:06,390
It's tough now, I couldn't--
Even if I wanted to see
her at this point,
691
00:30:06,425 --> 00:30:08,565
she's on a kind of
a lockdown.
692
00:30:08,599 --> 00:30:11,085
Not because of
the--the Coronavirus,
693
00:30:11,119 --> 00:30:12,189
but because of the flu.
694
00:30:12,224 --> 00:30:14,536
And it's important I get
to see her because
695
00:30:14,571 --> 00:30:18,195
she's, uh, 101. So, uh...
696
00:30:18,230 --> 00:30:19,852
[cheers and applause]
697
00:30:23,718 --> 00:30:25,478
And what's really important is
698
00:30:25,513 --> 00:30:27,308
I want to get my hands
on those drugs.
699
00:30:27,342 --> 00:30:28,654
[laughter]
700
00:30:29,724 --> 00:30:31,622
'Cause they apparently
really work.
701
00:30:32,900 --> 00:30:34,349
Whatever she's taking,
702
00:30:34,384 --> 00:30:36,282
Ooh! My--my father...
703
00:30:37,905 --> 00:30:40,977
Sam, he passed away
in, uh, in May.
704
00:30:41,011 --> 00:30:42,633
[stammers]
705
00:30:42,668 --> 00:30:45,188
It--it's hard to think it's--
it's sad of course,
706
00:30:45,222 --> 00:30:47,569
[stammers]
And I--I mourn,
707
00:30:47,604 --> 00:30:49,951
B-but he was 101.
708
00:30:51,021 --> 00:30:52,126
So you can't really say,
709
00:30:52,160 --> 00:30:54,059
"Fuck, Dad! You--you
should've lived longer."
710
00:30:54,093 --> 00:30:55,267
[laughter]
711
00:30:57,994 --> 00:31:01,583
101... two parents who
were 101.
712
00:31:01,618 --> 00:31:04,655
That's, like, an insane
kind of a lottery.
713
00:31:04,690 --> 00:31:05,829
[applause]
714
00:31:05,864 --> 00:31:07,693
It's-- I mean, that's
sweet of you to applaud.
715
00:31:07,727 --> 00:31:09,246
I did nothing, uh...
716
00:31:09,281 --> 00:31:10,627
[laughter]
717
00:31:10,661 --> 00:31:13,354
But there's a real shot
that I'm, uh,
718
00:31:13,388 --> 00:31:14,769
that I'm a reptile.
719
00:31:14,803 --> 00:31:15,839
[laughter]
720
00:31:18,221 --> 00:31:19,981
They were married 74 years
721
00:31:20,016 --> 00:31:22,190
[stammers]
722
00:31:22,225 --> 00:31:23,743
In order to be married
74 years,
723
00:31:23,778 --> 00:31:26,815
you actually have to live
forever!
724
00:31:26,850 --> 00:31:28,162
[laughter]
725
00:31:28,196 --> 00:31:30,785
Or you have to get marriedat the age of nine.
726
00:31:30,819 --> 00:31:32,511
[laughter]
727
00:31:32,545 --> 00:31:35,341
Well, actually, the
secret to having
728
00:31:35,376 --> 00:31:38,482
a marriage that also
is as successful as theirs was
729
00:31:38,517 --> 00:31:41,071
is they never, and I mean,
never,
730
00:31:41,106 --> 00:31:42,970
heard a word
the other one said.
731
00:31:43,004 --> 00:31:44,316
[laughter]
732
00:31:48,182 --> 00:31:50,322
I'm asked from time to time,
you know,
733
00:31:50,356 --> 00:31:52,634
"How come they were
able to live so long?"
734
00:31:52,669 --> 00:31:55,154
And I, the reason is
quite simple.
735
00:31:55,189 --> 00:31:57,053
It's, uh, first they--
736
00:31:57,087 --> 00:31:59,503
they never--
this will shock ya...
737
00:32:00,711 --> 00:32:01,816
[sighs]
738
00:32:01,850 --> 00:32:02,955
They never went
to the gym.
739
00:32:02,990 --> 00:32:05,302
[laughter]
740
00:32:05,337 --> 00:32:07,201
Yeah. And those of you
who didn't laugh,
741
00:32:07,235 --> 00:32:11,032
think about that when you're
doing your hot fuck yoga.
742
00:32:11,067 --> 00:32:12,413
[laughter]
743
00:32:14,242 --> 00:32:17,211
Unlike eating farm to table,
744
00:32:19,282 --> 00:32:21,491
they-- everything they ate,
745
00:32:21,525 --> 00:32:23,010
everything they ate,
746
00:32:23,044 --> 00:32:24,597
contained preservatives.
747
00:32:25,805 --> 00:32:28,498
Hence, they were preserved.
748
00:32:28,532 --> 00:32:29,602
[laughter]
749
00:32:31,259 --> 00:32:32,329
Quinoa...
750
00:32:33,537 --> 00:32:35,229
never crossed their lips.
751
00:32:37,024 --> 00:32:38,335
And it shouldn't cross yours.
752
00:32:38,370 --> 00:32:39,336
[laughter]
753
00:32:39,371 --> 00:32:40,337
Ancient grain?
754
00:32:40,372 --> 00:32:42,477
You can bite my fuckin' crank.
755
00:32:42,512 --> 00:32:43,547
[laughter]
756
00:32:43,582 --> 00:32:45,584
That is bullshit on a stick.
757
00:32:46,723 --> 00:32:48,656
Where do you find
an ancient grain?
758
00:32:48,690 --> 00:32:51,970
At the open-all-night
ancient grain supermarket?
759
00:32:52,004 --> 00:32:53,626
I don't fuckin' think so.
760
00:32:53,661 --> 00:32:54,731
[laughter]
761
00:32:54,765 --> 00:32:57,734
"Hey, would you
like some quinoa,
762
00:32:57,768 --> 00:32:59,218
with your protein?"
763
00:32:59,253 --> 00:33:01,876
Get the fuck away
from my protein
764
00:33:02,566 --> 00:33:03,533
with that shit.
765
00:33:03,567 --> 00:33:05,017
And it tastes like shit.
766
00:33:05,052 --> 00:33:06,812
And if you don't think
it tastes like shit,
767
00:33:06,846 --> 00:33:10,022
there's something wrong
with your fuckin' taste buds.
768
00:33:10,057 --> 00:33:12,404
All I think about when
I look at quinoa is
769
00:33:12,438 --> 00:33:14,751
"They made sand taste better."
770
00:33:14,785 --> 00:33:15,821
[laughter]
771
00:33:18,375 --> 00:33:20,239
When my mother reached
mid-90s, I said,
772
00:33:20,274 --> 00:33:21,516
"What's it like
living so long?"
773
00:33:21,551 --> 00:33:23,794
She said,
"I wouldn't call this living."
774
00:33:23,829 --> 00:33:25,037
[laughter]
775
00:33:25,072 --> 00:33:27,488
"I call it not dying."
776
00:33:28,834 --> 00:33:30,629
"I call it overtime."
777
00:33:30,663 --> 00:33:32,665
[laughter]
778
00:33:32,700 --> 00:33:35,737
She turned 100--
this is absolutely true,
779
00:33:35,772 --> 00:33:38,637
she blew the candles out
on the cake and said,
780
00:33:38,671 --> 00:33:41,364
"Nobody should live this
fucking long!"
781
00:33:41,398 --> 00:33:42,572
[laughter]
782
00:33:47,266 --> 00:33:49,337
Hit 101,
783
00:33:49,372 --> 00:33:50,787
she blew out the candles
and said,
784
00:33:50,821 --> 00:33:52,271
"I crossed the finish line,
785
00:33:52,306 --> 00:33:54,756
now I should be able to
drop fuckin' dead!"
786
00:33:54,791 --> 00:33:56,551
[laughter]
787
00:33:56,586 --> 00:33:59,037
And then we all sang, uh,
"Happy Birthday."
788
00:33:59,071 --> 00:34:00,072
[laughter]
789
00:34:02,730 --> 00:34:05,319
My father, uh...
790
00:34:05,353 --> 00:34:09,116
it was a blessing.
My father was a--a
bit more upbeat,
791
00:34:09,150 --> 00:34:10,289
which was good.
792
00:34:11,463 --> 00:34:15,536
He was born on Valen--
actually, February 13th,
793
00:34:15,570 --> 00:34:16,778
the day before,
794
00:34:17,296 --> 00:34:18,884
and uh...
795
00:34:18,918 --> 00:34:22,405
we had a 100th birthday party
on that day.
796
00:34:22,439 --> 00:34:24,614
The last big birthday party
for him
797
00:34:24,648 --> 00:34:25,615
and, uh...
798
00:34:25,649 --> 00:34:27,375
for the big party forboth of them
799
00:34:27,410 --> 00:34:29,170
when they could kind of
really,
800
00:34:29,205 --> 00:34:31,552
deal with that kind
of energy and stuff.
801
00:34:31,586 --> 00:34:32,656
And, uh...
802
00:34:32,691 --> 00:34:34,313
It was--it was a lot.
803
00:34:34,348 --> 00:34:36,660
It becomes a lot after a while.
804
00:34:36,695 --> 00:34:38,628
Uh, I got a text from a friend,
805
00:34:38,662 --> 00:34:39,939
I took my father aside
and I said,
806
00:34:39,974 --> 00:34:41,562
"You know, Steve just texted,
807
00:34:41,596 --> 00:34:44,047
and he said he's sorry
he couldn't be here.
808
00:34:44,082 --> 00:34:45,428
But he, uh...
809
00:34:45,462 --> 00:34:48,155
wanted me to kiss you
but not on the lips.
810
00:34:48,189 --> 00:34:49,846
[laughter]
811
00:34:49,880 --> 00:34:53,229
And my father, without
missing a beat, went,
812
00:34:53,263 --> 00:34:54,885
"Where did he want you
to kiss me?"
813
00:34:54,920 --> 00:34:55,990
[laughter]
814
00:35:06,000 --> 00:35:07,484
I let that pass.
815
00:35:07,519 --> 00:35:08,589
[laughter]
816
00:35:10,280 --> 00:35:13,352
I said, "It's 100 years, Pop,
and you've seen it all,
817
00:35:13,387 --> 00:35:16,424
but what wisdom can you impart,
what are you thinkin'?
818
00:35:16,459 --> 00:35:18,392
What did you see?
819
00:35:18,426 --> 00:35:20,704
What can you conclude
from all of this?"
820
00:35:20,739 --> 00:35:22,396
And he said, "The only
thing I'm thinking about
821
00:35:22,430 --> 00:35:24,881
is tomorrow's anotheris another fuckin'Valentine's Day!"
822
00:35:24,915 --> 00:35:27,021
[laughter]
823
00:35:27,055 --> 00:35:28,712
What am I supposed to
get her this year?"
824
00:35:31,232 --> 00:35:33,614
I said, "I don't know,
but you got two-day
free shipping."
825
00:35:33,648 --> 00:35:35,133
[laughter]
826
00:35:38,101 --> 00:35:40,241
It's tough, it's, uh...
827
00:35:40,276 --> 00:35:44,383
we--we really weren't
prepared for our parents
to be living this long.
828
00:35:44,418 --> 00:35:47,800
Our parents weren't prepared
to be living this long.
829
00:35:47,835 --> 00:35:49,699
Financially, it's tough.
830
00:35:49,733 --> 00:35:52,115
It's why whenever they
talk about
831
00:35:52,150 --> 00:35:54,186
"This is the greatest
economy ever."
832
00:35:54,221 --> 00:35:55,981
They always do that.
833
00:35:56,015 --> 00:35:59,053
Every--every bunch of years,
834
00:35:59,087 --> 00:36:01,055
either the Democrats
or Republicans--
835
00:36:01,089 --> 00:36:03,471
Oh, boy, they start
blowin' their own horn.
836
00:36:03,506 --> 00:36:06,025
The only people who
ever talked about the fact
837
00:36:06,060 --> 00:36:09,236
that it's really
a good economy,
838
00:36:09,270 --> 00:36:11,686
the only people who
ever say it's a great economy,
839
00:36:11,721 --> 00:36:13,723
are either...
840
00:36:14,448 --> 00:36:16,243
um, politicians,
841
00:36:16,277 --> 00:36:17,416
for rich people.
842
00:36:17,451 --> 00:36:19,453
They're the only oneswho say it.
843
00:36:19,487 --> 00:36:21,489
Did you ever hear of somebody
from the middle class go,
844
00:36:21,524 --> 00:36:24,216
"Fuck! Ooh!
I couldn't be happier!
845
00:36:24,251 --> 00:36:25,252
[laughter]
846
00:36:25,286 --> 00:36:26,839
This is reallyturning out great.
847
00:36:26,874 --> 00:36:29,117
My 401K just had a 401K.
848
00:36:29,152 --> 00:36:30,188
[laughter]
849
00:36:31,534 --> 00:36:32,845
It's bullshit.
850
00:36:32,880 --> 00:36:36,228
And it's bullshit becausewe're not prepared for things.
851
00:36:36,263 --> 00:36:40,232
It doesn't matter.
We don't prepare for things.
852
00:36:40,267 --> 00:36:43,580
We weren't prepared
for what just happened.
853
00:36:43,615 --> 00:36:46,134
We--we put officials in place
and what do they do?
854
00:36:46,169 --> 00:36:47,308
[silly sounds]
855
00:36:47,343 --> 00:36:48,999
[laughter]
856
00:36:57,145 --> 00:36:58,216
And meanwhile...
857
00:36:59,803 --> 00:37:02,047
meanwhile, before that
shit even hit the fan,
858
00:37:02,081 --> 00:37:03,497
my--my parents
were not--
859
00:37:03,531 --> 00:37:04,946
They had no clue
860
00:37:04,981 --> 00:37:07,328
that they would liveas long as they were living.
861
00:37:07,363 --> 00:37:09,088
and the only reason
they were living
862
00:37:09,123 --> 00:37:10,124
as long as they lived
863
00:37:10,158 --> 00:37:12,160
was because I was, um,
864
00:37:12,195 --> 00:37:14,404
I was able to get them
24/7 care.
865
00:37:15,371 --> 00:37:17,373
And I was able to get them24/7 care
866
00:37:17,407 --> 00:37:20,272
because I've been able to dupe
you fuckers into seeing me.
867
00:37:20,307 --> 00:37:21,377
[laughter]
868
00:37:23,275 --> 00:37:24,276
And so...
869
00:37:24,311 --> 00:37:25,415
[cheers and applause]
870
00:37:25,450 --> 00:37:26,796
And so for those of you
tonight
871
00:37:26,830 --> 00:37:29,212
who may have stumbled inby accident, and are going,
872
00:37:29,247 --> 00:37:31,421
"Well, I've made
a big fuckin' mistake."
873
00:37:32,491 --> 00:37:33,734
I just want you to know,
874
00:37:33,768 --> 00:37:35,667
you know, you may not
enjoy the show
875
00:37:35,701 --> 00:37:38,152
but because of you,
my mother will live
another day.
876
00:37:38,186 --> 00:37:39,360
[cheers]
877
00:37:43,709 --> 00:37:47,126
But none of us were
prepared for this. None of us.
878
00:37:47,161 --> 00:37:48,369
Your parents weren't prepared
879
00:37:48,404 --> 00:37:50,613
because they put a certainamount of money aside.
880
00:37:50,647 --> 00:37:53,650
Your parents weren't prepared
because when they were younger,
881
00:37:53,685 --> 00:37:55,514
people had the common courtesy
882
00:37:55,549 --> 00:37:57,102
to die at 65.
883
00:37:57,136 --> 00:37:58,241
[laughter]
884
00:37:58,276 --> 00:37:59,311
Yes, they did!
885
00:37:59,346 --> 00:38:01,244
They would sing,
"Happy Birthday."
886
00:38:01,279 --> 00:38:04,040
And then the fucker would go,
"I'm doing this for you."
887
00:38:04,074 --> 00:38:06,284
And then they'd drop dead
right in the cake.
888
00:38:06,318 --> 00:38:08,424
[laughter]
889
00:38:08,458 --> 00:38:11,668
But the parents didn't put
away enough money.
890
00:38:11,703 --> 00:38:13,636
They didn't! 'Cause
they didn't expect to--
891
00:38:13,670 --> 00:38:16,259
They put aside the money
they thought they would need
892
00:38:16,294 --> 00:38:17,812
until they passed away.
893
00:38:17,847 --> 00:38:19,780
And-- [blubbers]
and they kept going!
894
00:38:22,058 --> 00:38:24,060
And--and--
so now the children,
895
00:38:24,094 --> 00:38:26,338
who put money aside
for themselves,
896
00:38:26,373 --> 00:38:28,306
have to take out of that fund.
897
00:38:28,340 --> 00:38:29,721
And put it toward
their parents,
898
00:38:29,755 --> 00:38:30,825
which they should.
899
00:38:30,860 --> 00:38:33,103
And now who's gonnahelp those--
900
00:38:33,138 --> 00:38:35,243
Who's gonna help you out, huh?
901
00:38:35,278 --> 00:38:38,108
Who's gonna help you out?The kid who's still livingin the basement?
902
00:38:38,143 --> 00:38:39,178
[laughter]
903
00:38:40,041 --> 00:38:41,319
Greatest economy ever.
904
00:38:41,353 --> 00:38:42,389
Good luck with that.
905
00:38:42,423 --> 00:38:43,873
[laughter]
906
00:38:43,907 --> 00:38:45,530
No, it's unbelievable.
907
00:38:45,564 --> 00:38:47,635
I tried to prepare for it.
908
00:38:47,670 --> 00:38:49,603
Before the, uh...
909
00:38:49,637 --> 00:38:51,225
Before even, uh,
910
00:38:51,259 --> 00:38:53,607
the assisted living
was a notion for my parents,
911
00:38:53,641 --> 00:38:55,367
I found a place in New York,
912
00:38:55,402 --> 00:38:57,162
and one of the places
I knew I'd lived there for a--
913
00:38:57,196 --> 00:38:58,405
[stammers]
914
00:38:58,439 --> 00:39:00,683
It--it would be whereI'd lived in New York City.
915
00:39:00,717 --> 00:39:02,478
And I would stay there.
916
00:39:02,512 --> 00:39:04,721
And so, one of the reasons
I liked it,
917
00:39:04,756 --> 00:39:07,345
it was a block away from
an assisted living place.
918
00:39:07,379 --> 00:39:09,864
And I wanted to take
my parents there.
919
00:39:09,899 --> 00:39:11,314
You know, my mother
went with me.
920
00:39:11,349 --> 00:39:13,489
I took her,
it was a great place.
921
00:39:13,523 --> 00:39:14,904
I said, "What did you think?"
922
00:39:14,938 --> 00:39:16,906
She said, "If we lived thisclose to each other,
923
00:39:16,940 --> 00:39:19,736
within three days,
one of us would be dead.
924
00:39:19,771 --> 00:39:20,944
[laughter]
925
00:39:23,119 --> 00:39:25,880
And since I'm--
I don't think anything's
gonna kill me,
926
00:39:25,915 --> 00:39:27,572
I think it's gonna be you."
927
00:39:27,606 --> 00:39:28,676
[laughter]
928
00:39:32,784 --> 00:39:33,819
Many people say,
929
00:39:34,648 --> 00:39:36,339
I hear this from time to time,
930
00:39:36,374 --> 00:39:39,480
many people have
a frontier mentality,
931
00:39:39,515 --> 00:39:41,827
even though we don't live
on the frontier.
932
00:39:41,862 --> 00:39:42,897
And they think
933
00:39:42,932 --> 00:39:45,175
that if your parentscan't live at home,
934
00:39:45,210 --> 00:39:48,420
uh, or can't have
assisted living,
935
00:39:48,455 --> 00:39:51,216
that they should live
with you, the children.
936
00:39:51,250 --> 00:39:53,460
and whenever anybody
tells me that,
937
00:39:53,494 --> 00:39:55,185
I usually go,
938
00:39:55,220 --> 00:39:57,498
"You don't have a fuckin'
mother!"
939
00:39:57,533 --> 00:39:58,568
[laughter]
940
00:40:00,674 --> 00:40:04,471
Why don't you try to spend
four hours with her, you fuck?
941
00:40:04,505 --> 00:40:07,508
I'll give you $10,000
if you make it for 20 minutes.
942
00:40:07,543 --> 00:40:08,509
[laughter]
943
00:40:08,544 --> 00:40:10,580
'Cause I can guarantee youafter ten,
944
00:40:10,615 --> 00:40:14,066
you'll be going,
"Uh, look, can you get me
a flight to North Korea?"
945
00:40:14,101 --> 00:40:16,275
[laughter]
946
00:40:16,310 --> 00:40:18,968
'Cause my mother's gonna
break you, you piece of shit.
947
00:40:19,002 --> 00:40:20,418
[laughter]
948
00:40:24,249 --> 00:40:26,458
My parents moved into
the assisted living situation
949
00:40:26,493 --> 00:40:27,632
when they were 83.
950
00:40:29,496 --> 00:40:30,945
They moved in with
a whole group of people
951
00:40:30,980 --> 00:40:32,533
who've never been
in assisted living.
952
00:40:32,568 --> 00:40:33,914
In a place...
953
00:40:33,948 --> 00:40:37,331
a brand new place.
954
00:40:37,365 --> 00:40:39,575
It was the first time,
it was just opening.
955
00:40:39,609 --> 00:40:41,197
It was a lucky break.
956
00:40:41,231 --> 00:40:44,476
Finding a great place
for your parents to stay
957
00:40:44,511 --> 00:40:46,444
is a lucky fuck break.
958
00:40:46,478 --> 00:40:48,376
Everybody knows that.
We got very lucky.
959
00:40:48,411 --> 00:40:51,000
But my mother basically
investigated the thing
960
00:40:51,034 --> 00:40:53,416
like she was a judge
at the Nuremberg Trials.
961
00:40:53,451 --> 00:40:54,486
[laughter]
962
00:40:54,521 --> 00:40:55,901
So it worked out great.
963
00:40:55,936 --> 00:40:59,042
And then they moved in,and they outlived everybody.
964
00:40:59,077 --> 00:41:01,838
Everybody, by like
a fucking mile.
965
00:41:01,873 --> 00:41:04,669
And then they brought in
new contestants.
966
00:41:04,703 --> 00:41:05,877
[laughter]
967
00:41:07,499 --> 00:41:09,294
And my parents outlived them.
968
00:41:09,328 --> 00:41:11,227
As a matter of fact,
every so often,
969
00:41:11,261 --> 00:41:13,125
after their dinner,
they'd get up and go,
970
00:41:13,160 --> 00:41:14,333
"Bring it on!"
971
00:41:14,368 --> 00:41:16,335
[laughter]
972
00:41:18,441 --> 00:41:20,236
[applause]
973
00:41:20,270 --> 00:41:22,549
And finally I called up
the Assisted Living place
974
00:41:22,583 --> 00:41:23,757
and said, uh,
975
00:41:23,791 --> 00:41:25,690
"Looks like my parents
won the contest."
976
00:41:26,691 --> 00:41:27,933
They said it wasn't a contest.
977
00:41:27,968 --> 00:41:30,522
I said, "Fuck you,this was the real Survivor."
978
00:41:30,557 --> 00:41:31,592
[laughter]
979
00:41:34,250 --> 00:41:35,285
My mother,
980
00:41:36,632 --> 00:41:38,599
is quite honestly,
this tall.
981
00:41:38,634 --> 00:41:39,704
[laughter]
982
00:41:42,154 --> 00:41:45,606
I'm a little worried,
she may not die,
she may just disappear.
983
00:41:45,641 --> 00:41:46,780
[laughter]
984
00:41:48,195 --> 00:41:49,886
But one thing that might
save you money,
985
00:41:49,921 --> 00:41:51,267
one thing I've been able to do
986
00:41:51,301 --> 00:41:53,511
is I've been able to move herinto a terrarium.
987
00:41:53,545 --> 00:41:54,684
[laughter]
988
00:41:57,584 --> 00:42:01,070
She's happy there but
she thinks the tortoise there
is Mitch McConnell.
989
00:42:01,104 --> 00:42:02,209
[laughter]
990
00:42:04,176 --> 00:42:06,040
[applause]
991
00:42:07,559 --> 00:42:08,560
I, uh...
992
00:42:11,736 --> 00:42:14,808
I do travel a lot,
I found myself, um,
993
00:42:14,842 --> 00:42:17,396
looking over a city,
I was on a mountaintop,
994
00:42:17,431 --> 00:42:18,639
and there was a...
995
00:42:18,674 --> 00:42:20,848
uh, a working farm there.
996
00:42:20,883 --> 00:42:22,056
A small working farm.
997
00:42:22,091 --> 00:42:23,782
An educational farm.
998
00:42:23,817 --> 00:42:26,509
It was built by
the--the folks, uh,
999
00:42:26,544 --> 00:42:28,166
of that region,
1000
00:42:28,200 --> 00:42:30,582
in order to [stammers]
to teach the kids
1001
00:42:30,617 --> 00:42:32,515
in elementary school
and middle school
1002
00:42:32,550 --> 00:42:35,414
about what farm life
and agriculture is like
1003
00:42:35,449 --> 00:42:38,417
because most of the state
is agricultural
1004
00:42:38,452 --> 00:42:39,660
and these kids lived
in the city
1005
00:42:39,695 --> 00:42:41,835
and they wanted them to knowwhat it was like.
1006
00:42:41,869 --> 00:42:43,630
and so...
1007
00:42:43,664 --> 00:42:45,632
Uh, I asked the folks
who put it together,
1008
00:42:45,666 --> 00:42:47,081
what did they think
1009
00:42:48,773 --> 00:42:50,637
of how it was working.
1010
00:42:50,671 --> 00:42:52,466
and they said
it was working well
1011
00:42:52,500 --> 00:42:54,364
and it was more important
than they realized
1012
00:42:54,399 --> 00:42:56,159
when, uh...
1013
00:42:56,194 --> 00:42:58,368
they were noticing that
a number of the children
1014
00:42:58,403 --> 00:42:59,473
didn't know...
1015
00:43:00,405 --> 00:43:01,509
that an egg...
1016
00:43:02,787 --> 00:43:03,891
came from a chicken.
1017
00:43:08,689 --> 00:43:09,725
All right.
1018
00:43:09,759 --> 00:43:10,829
[laughter]
1019
00:43:15,454 --> 00:43:17,249
Um, I was...
1020
00:43:17,284 --> 00:43:19,320
I was just in Elgin
last night.
1021
00:43:19,942 --> 00:43:21,426
Uh...
1022
00:43:21,460 --> 00:43:24,602
I've been in Waukegan,I've been in Philadelphia,
1023
00:43:25,637 --> 00:43:27,708
Uh... Bethlehem,
Pennsylvania,
1024
00:43:27,743 --> 00:43:29,054
everywhere I've performed.
1025
00:43:30,331 --> 00:43:33,058
I--I tell that story. Okay?
1026
00:43:33,990 --> 00:43:35,267
I tell people,
1027
00:43:35,854 --> 00:43:36,821
uh...
1028
00:43:36,855 --> 00:43:38,995
that children,
1029
00:43:39,030 --> 00:43:40,583
American children,
1030
00:43:43,690 --> 00:43:44,967
born and raised here,
1031
00:43:45,001 --> 00:43:46,624
[laughter]
1032
00:43:46,658 --> 00:43:49,212
don't know that an egg...
1033
00:43:49,247 --> 00:43:51,214
comes from a...
[clucks like a chicken]
1034
00:43:51,249 --> 00:43:53,113
[laughter]
1035
00:43:53,147 --> 00:43:54,390
The reaction I get
1036
00:43:54,424 --> 00:43:56,944
is the same reaction
I got tonight.
1037
00:43:59,015 --> 00:43:59,982
Fucking nothing.
1038
00:44:00,016 --> 00:44:01,293
[laughter]
1039
00:44:02,709 --> 00:44:06,505
I-I find that kind of,
well, appalling.
1040
00:44:08,991 --> 00:44:11,165
I would think...
1041
00:44:11,200 --> 00:44:13,133
From the time I started
telling this story--
1042
00:44:13,167 --> 00:44:14,548
when I first heard it,
I was shocked.
1043
00:44:14,582 --> 00:44:16,308
I thought I would tell thisto others,
1044
00:44:16,343 --> 00:44:17,793
they will be shocked.
1045
00:44:18,483 --> 00:44:19,449
But no.
1046
00:44:19,484 --> 00:44:20,485
[laughter]
1047
00:44:20,519 --> 00:44:23,281
No. No, no.
1048
00:44:23,315 --> 00:44:24,938
No, you're not shocked.
1049
00:44:24,972 --> 00:44:26,974
There was no sense of shock
in this room.
1050
00:44:27,009 --> 00:44:29,459
It was almost as if
it was the same story
1051
00:44:29,494 --> 00:44:31,876
as sitting in the toilet
lookin' at the bathroom thing.
1052
00:44:31,910 --> 00:44:32,911
-[laughter]
-No!
1053
00:44:32,946 --> 00:44:34,257
No, no, no, no, no!
1054
00:44:34,292 --> 00:44:36,121
No shock.
1055
00:44:36,156 --> 00:44:37,813
They have broken you.
1056
00:44:37,847 --> 00:44:39,538
[laughter]
1057
00:44:39,573 --> 00:44:42,127
The last 30 years
is so broken,
1058
00:44:42,162 --> 00:44:43,991
the American people
and their spirit,
1059
00:44:44,026 --> 00:44:46,200
I told you something
horrifying,
1060
00:44:46,235 --> 00:44:49,100
and your reaction was,
"Yeah, what else is new?"
1061
00:44:49,134 --> 00:44:50,446
[laughs]
1062
00:44:52,137 --> 00:44:53,345
[applause]
1063
00:44:55,900 --> 00:44:57,108
"Add it to the list."
1064
00:44:59,627 --> 00:45:01,215
I just thought people were
still singing
1065
00:45:01,250 --> 00:45:02,734
"Old MacDonald Had a Farm."
1066
00:45:03,666 --> 00:45:04,736
That's what I thought.
1067
00:45:04,771 --> 00:45:06,358
That's how I learned it.
1068
00:45:06,393 --> 00:45:08,395
"With a chick-chick here
and a chick-chick there."
1069
00:45:09,430 --> 00:45:10,673
"Here a chick, there a chick,"
1070
00:45:10,708 --> 00:45:12,330
Everywhere there was
a fuckin' chick!
1071
00:45:12,364 --> 00:45:13,400
[laughter]
1072
00:45:15,816 --> 00:45:18,129
But I guess Old MacDonald
lost his subsidy.
1073
00:45:18,163 --> 00:45:19,371
[laughter]
1074
00:45:23,651 --> 00:45:25,239
I don't care,
I love that joke.
1075
00:45:25,274 --> 00:45:26,378
[laughter]
1076
00:45:29,381 --> 00:45:31,418
It's unbelievable.
If I had a child,
1077
00:45:31,452 --> 00:45:36,388
but it's-- should be obvious
to many of you why that hasn't
come to pass.
1078
00:45:36,423 --> 00:45:38,839
If I had a child, my child
would know where an egg
came from.
1079
00:45:38,874 --> 00:45:40,772
I-I'd dress up
in a chicken outfit.
1080
00:45:40,807 --> 00:45:41,808
[laughter]
1081
00:45:41,842 --> 00:45:43,085
'Cause that's how muchI love my child,
1082
00:45:43,119 --> 00:45:44,327
and then I'd take that egg
1083
00:45:44,362 --> 00:45:46,260
and I'd put it right betweenthe cheeks of my ass.
1084
00:45:46,295 --> 00:45:47,675
[laughter]
1085
00:45:47,710 --> 00:45:49,022
then I'd go down like this,
I'd go,
1086
00:45:49,056 --> 00:45:50,989
"Here's where an egg comesfrom, it comes from a chicken."
1087
00:45:51,024 --> 00:45:52,059
And then I drop the egg.
1088
00:45:52,094 --> 00:45:53,371
And then it goes splat,
1089
00:45:53,405 --> 00:45:55,649
and me and the kid go,
"Ha ha ha ha!"
1090
00:45:58,548 --> 00:46:01,275
And then when
my child was taken away
by Child's Services...
1091
00:46:01,310 --> 00:46:02,552
[laughter]
1092
00:46:04,313 --> 00:46:06,591
and went from one
foster home to another,
1093
00:46:06,625 --> 00:46:07,834
at least my child would know...
1094
00:46:07,868 --> 00:46:10,629
Uh-huh! Where a fuckin' egg
came from.
1095
00:46:10,664 --> 00:46:11,699
[laughter]
1096
00:46:12,735 --> 00:46:14,047
[applause]
1097
00:46:16,256 --> 00:46:20,812
There was a young girl who
arrived, a college sophomore,
1098
00:46:20,847 --> 00:46:22,469
she wanted to work there
as an intern,
1099
00:46:22,503 --> 00:46:24,712
they had a cow there,
a mechanical cow.
1100
00:46:24,747 --> 00:46:26,991
Kids could learn,
they can milk it,
1101
00:46:27,025 --> 00:46:29,752
so kids knew where
milk came from.
1102
00:46:29,787 --> 00:46:32,617
And also, I guess, so they
knew what a cow was.
1103
00:46:32,651 --> 00:46:34,343
So in case they
were in a field,
1104
00:46:34,377 --> 00:46:36,828
and there was a bull,they didn't run upand grab its cock!
1105
00:46:36,863 --> 00:46:38,036
[laughter]
1106
00:46:44,284 --> 00:46:46,286
She went there.
1107
00:46:46,320 --> 00:46:49,151
She, uh, looked at the cow,
then looked at the people,
1108
00:46:49,185 --> 00:46:51,532
and said, "Is that a cow?"
1109
00:46:53,258 --> 00:46:55,088
She's not working there
as an intern,
1110
00:46:55,951 --> 00:46:56,986
Nope.
1111
00:46:57,815 --> 00:46:58,919
But you should know...
1112
00:47:00,576 --> 00:47:02,578
when you order your coffee
and say,
1113
00:47:02,612 --> 00:47:05,926
"I'd like soy milk.
I'd like almond milk.
1114
00:47:05,961 --> 00:47:08,618
I'd like oat milk."
That's the new milk.
1115
00:47:08,653 --> 00:47:10,034
Fuck you, oat milk.
1116
00:47:10,068 --> 00:47:11,173
[laughter]
1117
00:47:11,207 --> 00:47:14,348
"I'm gonna put oat milkon my oatmeal. Ooh!"
1118
00:47:14,383 --> 00:47:15,384
[laughter]
1119
00:47:15,418 --> 00:47:16,488
That'll be exciting.
1120
00:47:19,871 --> 00:47:21,873
Almond milk, soy milk,
oat milk,
1121
00:47:21,908 --> 00:47:23,633
All of them, coconut milk,
1122
00:47:23,668 --> 00:47:25,394
anything you squeeze
to get white shit.
1123
00:47:25,428 --> 00:47:26,360
[laughter]
1124
00:47:26,395 --> 00:47:27,775
When you ask for that milk,
1125
00:47:27,810 --> 00:47:30,157
you're the reason
that girl didn't know
1126
00:47:30,192 --> 00:47:31,814
that was a fuckin' cow.
1127
00:47:31,849 --> 00:47:32,919
[laughter]
1128
00:47:37,924 --> 00:47:39,132
I'm gonna read you something
1129
00:47:39,166 --> 00:47:41,479
because my brain would notallow me to memorize it.
1130
00:47:41,513 --> 00:47:44,378
If I memorized it,
I would die in front of you.
1131
00:47:45,759 --> 00:47:47,865
The reality that
I'm going to tell you,
1132
00:47:47,899 --> 00:47:49,314
is so frightening to me
1133
00:47:49,349 --> 00:47:51,696
that my brain
will not touch it.
1134
00:47:51,730 --> 00:47:53,318
I'm serious.
1135
00:47:53,353 --> 00:47:55,010
And that is the reason--
I also read it
1136
00:47:55,044 --> 00:47:57,391
so that you know
that it is real.
1137
00:47:57,426 --> 00:47:59,255
Because if I just
told it to you,
1138
00:47:59,290 --> 00:48:01,533
you would think,
"Fuck, he made that up."
1139
00:48:01,568 --> 00:48:03,915
Uh-uh. This is actually
is happening.
1140
00:48:03,950 --> 00:48:05,330
This is New York,
1141
00:48:05,365 --> 00:48:07,125
"Stressed out New Yorkers
are leaving the city
1142
00:48:07,160 --> 00:48:09,300
for sessions of therapeutic..
1143
00:48:10,542 --> 00:48:11,681
cow cuddling."
1144
00:48:11,716 --> 00:48:13,200
[howls and laughter]
1145
00:48:16,238 --> 00:48:17,446
I'm gonna say this...
1146
00:48:18,965 --> 00:48:21,381
If you didn't laugh at that,
1147
00:48:21,415 --> 00:48:24,694
you need--you need
to take some real
serious time off.
1148
00:48:24,729 --> 00:48:26,834
[laughter]
1149
00:48:26,869 --> 00:48:28,871
I recently--someone
didn't like my act
1150
00:48:28,906 --> 00:48:31,149
and wrote to me that they
didn't like my act.
1151
00:48:31,184 --> 00:48:34,635
and the thing they thought
wasn't funny at all was
the cow-cuddling.
1152
00:48:34,670 --> 00:48:37,845
And I thought, "Then fuck you,
then you don't what funny is."
1153
00:48:37,880 --> 00:48:39,019
[laughter]
1154
00:48:39,054 --> 00:48:41,332
Cow-cuddling is funny,I don't give a shit.
1155
00:48:42,747 --> 00:48:44,438
I know it's funny,
I didn't even make it up.
1156
00:48:44,473 --> 00:48:47,269
It's real so it's
a-ha ha ha ha ha!
1157
00:48:48,511 --> 00:48:50,134
People are cuddling cows.
1158
00:48:50,168 --> 00:48:51,929
Don't tell me that's not
fuckin' funny.
1159
00:48:54,207 --> 00:48:56,174
The Mountain Horse Farm
in upstate New York,
1160
00:48:56,209 --> 00:48:58,797
a 60-minute session
with a cow,
1161
00:48:58,832 --> 00:49:01,697
starts at $75.
1162
00:49:01,731 --> 00:49:03,975
So imagine what you
can get for two-fifty.
1163
00:49:04,010 --> 00:49:05,149
[laughter]
1164
00:49:06,495 --> 00:49:08,807
But for those of you
who hate your job,
1165
00:49:08,842 --> 00:49:11,293
I just gave you a fuckin'
dream, didn't I?
1166
00:49:11,327 --> 00:49:13,226
[laughter]
1167
00:49:13,260 --> 00:49:16,194
You get two cows
and set up outside
of Grand Rapids,
1168
00:49:16,229 --> 00:49:17,989
you fuckin' will make
a fortune.
1169
00:49:18,024 --> 00:49:19,197
[laughter]
1170
00:49:23,684 --> 00:49:25,514
"Cuddling a warm,
thousand-pound cow
1171
00:49:25,548 --> 00:49:27,481
can impart a sense of calm."
1172
00:49:29,035 --> 00:49:30,829
The farm's website says
1173
00:49:30,864 --> 00:49:33,729
because the animals--
and this is quotes,
1174
00:49:35,110 --> 00:49:39,873
"Sense if you're happy,
sad, feel lost..."
1175
00:49:42,255 --> 00:49:44,257
A cow!
1176
00:49:44,291 --> 00:49:48,295
Feels, "Wow, wow,
this person feels lost."
1177
00:49:48,330 --> 00:49:49,676
A cow?
1178
00:49:52,196 --> 00:49:54,129
"Anxious or are excited."
1179
00:49:54,163 --> 00:49:56,303
If you're huggin' a cow,
and you feel excited,
1180
00:49:56,338 --> 00:49:58,650
you need to see a doctor, bad.
1181
00:49:58,685 --> 00:50:01,170
[laughter]
1182
00:50:01,205 --> 00:50:04,311
"And respond without
judgment, ego, or agenda."
1183
00:50:06,658 --> 00:50:09,178
Are you--?
"without judgment, ego,
or agenda."
1184
00:50:09,213 --> 00:50:10,248
Are you shitting me?
1185
00:50:10,283 --> 00:50:12,319
You could hold a rock,you could hug it.
1186
00:50:12,354 --> 00:50:14,390
You could fuck
a pillow for that matter.
1187
00:50:14,425 --> 00:50:15,840
[laughter]
1188
00:50:17,290 --> 00:50:20,155
"Without judgment, ego,
or agenda."
1189
00:50:20,189 --> 00:50:22,088
I would imagine,
I would like to be
on the phone,
1190
00:50:22,122 --> 00:50:23,537
when they--when they
get the call
1191
00:50:23,572 --> 00:50:27,748
at the, uh, at the insuranceplace asking for the co-pay
1192
00:50:27,783 --> 00:50:29,302
for cow-cuddling.
1193
00:50:30,786 --> 00:50:33,030
I do know that,
it's my firm belief
1194
00:50:33,064 --> 00:50:35,066
that if somebody's
standing in a field,
1195
00:50:35,101 --> 00:50:37,862
with their arms around a cow,
1196
00:50:37,896 --> 00:50:39,795
8 minutes into that session,
1197
00:50:39,829 --> 00:50:41,245
they've gotta be thinking,
1198
00:50:42,315 --> 00:50:43,799
"How did it come to this?"
1199
00:50:43,833 --> 00:50:44,972
[laughter]
1200
00:50:48,252 --> 00:50:49,356
That...
1201
00:50:51,703 --> 00:50:54,327
That brings us to our leader,
1202
00:50:54,361 --> 00:50:57,985
Um, I-I'm not going to dwell
on our leader.
1203
00:50:58,020 --> 00:51:01,265
I don't, um, do that.
1204
00:51:01,299 --> 00:51:04,509
Uh, I've never dwelt on
any of our leaders.
1205
00:51:04,544 --> 00:51:09,411
Uh, but what's interesting
with the leader now,
1206
00:51:09,445 --> 00:51:11,516
that I find astonishing,
1207
00:51:11,551 --> 00:51:13,829
in terms of audiences,
1208
00:51:13,863 --> 00:51:17,453
never, from the time
that I began talking,
1209
00:51:17,488 --> 00:51:20,146
is to comic about any of them.
1210
00:51:20,180 --> 00:51:23,390
Uh, from even before Reagan,
you had Carter,
1211
00:51:23,425 --> 00:51:24,495
from all of them,
1212
00:51:25,875 --> 00:51:28,775
this is the first time,
uh, people would
come up to me
1213
00:51:28,809 --> 00:51:30,777
or send--send something to
something
1214
00:51:30,811 --> 00:51:35,609
and say, "I saw your act.
You didn't talk enough
about him."
1215
00:51:35,644 --> 00:51:37,784
Or, you talked too much
about him."
1216
00:51:38,578 --> 00:51:40,304
Really?
1217
00:51:40,338 --> 00:51:42,754
Really, that--
do the whole fuckin' act,
1218
00:51:42,789 --> 00:51:45,136
that's what you came
out of it with.
1219
00:51:45,171 --> 00:51:47,345
And when--
'Cause I don't dwell on it.
1220
00:51:47,380 --> 00:51:49,347
And whenever people
say that to me,
1221
00:51:49,382 --> 00:51:51,246
I usually, because I
'm polite, go,
1222
00:51:51,280 --> 00:51:53,455
"Hey. Go fuck yourself."
1223
00:51:53,489 --> 00:51:54,697
[laughter]
1224
00:51:56,389 --> 00:51:57,666
[applause]
1225
00:52:03,189 --> 00:52:05,708
I did a lot of--
I lived in New York City.
1226
00:52:06,985 --> 00:52:08,677
Uh, and he lived there.
He lived there
1227
00:52:08,711 --> 00:52:10,713
probably no more than
25 blocks from me.
1228
00:52:10,748 --> 00:52:12,681
He was a neighbor,
in--in a sense.
1229
00:52:13,716 --> 00:52:15,442
And, uh...
1230
00:52:15,477 --> 00:52:17,858
And--and I did jokes about him.
1231
00:52:18,721 --> 00:52:19,964
For 40 years.
1232
00:52:20,965 --> 00:52:22,760
And so when I was first asked,
1233
00:52:24,210 --> 00:52:26,729
'Cause-- so I knew him
pretty well.
1234
00:52:26,764 --> 00:52:29,146
Much better than most people
who watched him on TV.
1235
00:52:30,561 --> 00:52:33,840
Uh, because he's been
a presence in my city.
1236
00:52:33,874 --> 00:52:36,394
So when I was asked
by people, you know,
1237
00:52:36,429 --> 00:52:39,535
when-- [stammers]
What should I think?
1238
00:52:41,192 --> 00:52:43,056
"Do you think he'll be good
for comedy?"
1239
00:52:44,230 --> 00:52:46,577
And--and what I said--
1240
00:52:46,611 --> 00:52:49,407
and I still think
it's--it's my best joke,
1241
00:52:50,201 --> 00:52:51,789
about him.
1242
00:52:51,823 --> 00:52:55,275
he'll be--he'll be
good for comedy
1243
00:52:55,310 --> 00:52:58,347
in the way that a stroke
is good for a nap.
1244
00:52:58,382 --> 00:52:59,659
[laughter]
1245
00:53:02,696 --> 00:53:03,732
Um...
1246
00:53:05,665 --> 00:53:08,944
I know that there's those of
you who like him.
1247
00:53:08,978 --> 00:53:10,221
I've never liked him.
1248
00:53:10,256 --> 00:53:12,361
Any of them.
1249
00:53:12,396 --> 00:53:14,156
So when I don't like him,
1250
00:53:14,191 --> 00:53:18,022
I've never had more peopleoffended by the fact thatI don't like him.
1251
00:53:18,056 --> 00:53:21,232
I've never had that about
anybody else.
1252
00:53:21,267 --> 00:53:23,510
You can't be offended
that I don't like him.
1253
00:53:23,545 --> 00:53:25,236
I didn't like the one
before him.
1254
00:53:25,271 --> 00:53:26,927
I didn't like the one
before him.
1255
00:53:26,962 --> 00:53:28,550
I didn't like the one
before him.
1256
00:53:28,584 --> 00:53:30,655
I didn't like the one
before him.
1257
00:53:30,690 --> 00:53:33,865
So, it's--it's not up--
it's not up for you
1258
00:53:34,866 --> 00:53:37,766
You--you made the mistake
1259
00:53:37,800 --> 00:53:41,183
You elected him, so
[blows raspberry] I get it.
1260
00:53:41,218 --> 00:53:44,048
I get to say whatever
the fuck I want.
1261
00:53:44,082 --> 00:53:45,912
Because I said it
about the others.
1262
00:53:45,946 --> 00:53:48,052
And I can say it about him.
1263
00:53:48,086 --> 00:53:50,330
You don't get to be--
"But-- " [silly sounds]
1264
00:53:50,365 --> 00:53:51,331
No.
1265
00:53:51,366 --> 00:53:52,367
[laughter]
1266
00:53:52,401 --> 00:53:54,231
Mm-mm. You don't.
1267
00:53:55,162 --> 00:53:57,372
Okay? I'm glad you're happy.
1268
00:53:57,406 --> 00:53:59,339
A lot of people were happy
1269
00:53:59,374 --> 00:54:01,307
when, uh-- before.
1270
00:54:01,341 --> 00:54:03,999
With the others, they were all,
"Oh this is the best ever."
1271
00:54:04,896 --> 00:54:07,761
Not for me. Not for me.
1272
00:54:07,796 --> 00:54:09,418
No president's made me happy.
1273
00:54:09,453 --> 00:54:12,663
'Cause I've never been happy
with any authority figure.
1274
00:54:12,697 --> 00:54:15,390
And it dawned on me
the other day finally.
1275
00:54:15,424 --> 00:54:16,874
The most disturbing thing.
1276
00:54:16,908 --> 00:54:19,773
And it was--and it was
disturbing to me.
1277
00:54:21,672 --> 00:54:24,053
Uh, when I was watching him
initially talk
1278
00:54:24,088 --> 00:54:28,299
about this--this virus.
1279
00:54:28,334 --> 00:54:32,199
And--and I was watching him
and--and he was just--
1280
00:54:32,234 --> 00:54:33,373
And here's the problem.
1281
00:54:33,408 --> 00:54:35,341
I--I need an adult who was--
1282
00:54:35,375 --> 00:54:37,826
[stammers]
I know this is hard for you
to take, some of you.
1283
00:54:37,860 --> 00:54:40,346
He was--he was
making shit up.
1284
00:54:40,380 --> 00:54:42,244
[laughter]
1285
00:54:42,279 --> 00:54:45,730
And I needed--I needed
somebody with a... [stammers]
1286
00:54:45,765 --> 00:54:47,249
I need somebody to stand.
1287
00:54:47,284 --> 00:54:49,838
I need somebody with
a stethoscope.
1288
00:54:49,872 --> 00:54:51,460
That's who I needed
to listen to.
1289
00:54:51,495 --> 00:54:53,635
Not him.
1290
00:54:53,669 --> 00:54:56,051
Uh, and, [stammers]
then I thought,
1291
00:54:56,085 --> 00:54:57,708
"Why is it bothering
me so much?"
1292
00:54:57,742 --> 00:55:01,159
And--and it dawned on
me for the first time ever,
1293
00:55:01,194 --> 00:55:03,127
that I'm listening to somebody
1294
00:55:03,161 --> 00:55:06,579
whose face is orange.
1295
00:55:06,613 --> 00:55:07,890
[laughter]
1296
00:55:09,582 --> 00:55:12,930
And--and not in the sense
they say "Cheeto-face"
1297
00:55:12,964 --> 00:55:14,276
or "Orange face."
1298
00:55:14,311 --> 00:55:15,588
People have said that.
1299
00:55:15,622 --> 00:55:18,107
But it never dawned on me,it's always been derogatory.
1300
00:55:18,142 --> 00:55:20,524
I'm not saying this
derogatory
1301
00:55:20,558 --> 00:55:23,078
There's nothing derogatory
about what I'm saying.
1302
00:55:23,112 --> 00:55:25,391
It's the truth.
1303
00:55:25,425 --> 00:55:26,737
This is true.
1304
00:55:26,771 --> 00:55:28,670
You have elected--
1305
00:55:28,704 --> 00:55:30,637
You may love him,
1306
00:55:30,672 --> 00:55:35,021
but you elected a man
who-whose face is orange.
1307
00:55:35,055 --> 00:55:36,298
[laughter]
1308
00:55:36,333 --> 00:55:38,162
I just want to knowat some point--
1309
00:55:38,196 --> 00:55:40,475
I know that you hated her.
1310
00:55:40,509 --> 00:55:41,786
I get that.
1311
00:55:41,821 --> 00:55:43,892
I never argued with that.
1312
00:55:43,926 --> 00:55:46,377
But then you went,
that you hated her so much,
1313
00:55:46,412 --> 00:55:49,587
you went,
"Okay, so... [blubbers]
His face is orange."
1314
00:55:49,622 --> 00:55:51,037
[laughter]
1315
00:55:51,071 --> 00:55:53,211
You don't find that fuckin'disturbing?
1316
00:55:54,592 --> 00:55:55,904
I find it disturbing.
1317
00:55:55,938 --> 00:55:57,733
I need-- And what I reallyfound--
1318
00:55:57,768 --> 00:55:58,976
And then I started thinking,
1319
00:55:59,010 --> 00:56:00,805
"It took me this fuckin' long
1320
00:56:00,840 --> 00:56:03,739
to realize that's the problem
I'm having?"
1321
00:56:03,774 --> 00:56:05,603
That his face is orange?
1322
00:56:05,638 --> 00:56:08,054
That I listen to a man
whose face is orange?
1323
00:56:08,088 --> 00:56:09,089
Why am I listening?
1324
00:56:09,124 --> 00:56:11,575
Why the fuck am I listening
1325
00:56:11,609 --> 00:56:13,818
to a man whose face
is orange?
1326
00:56:13,853 --> 00:56:17,201
And that those fuckin'
idiot Republicans
ran against him.
1327
00:56:17,235 --> 00:56:18,961
That none of them!
1328
00:56:18,996 --> 00:56:20,687
Fuckin'-- They stood there
1329
00:56:20,722 --> 00:56:22,620
and took all of his shit.
1330
00:56:22,655 --> 00:56:23,932
"You're a cracker!"
1331
00:56:23,966 --> 00:56:26,175
"You've got a small penis.""Your hands are so small."
1332
00:56:26,210 --> 00:56:28,764
[gibberish]
1333
00:56:28,799 --> 00:56:31,146
And he went through all that
shit and none one of them said,
1334
00:56:31,180 --> 00:56:33,148
"Your face is orange."
1335
00:56:33,182 --> 00:56:34,425
[laughter]
1336
00:56:36,600 --> 00:56:38,084
[applause]
1337
00:56:41,674 --> 00:56:43,572
Then I don't respect
the Democrats either.
1338
00:56:43,607 --> 00:56:45,436
They come out after
a discussion with him.
1339
00:56:45,471 --> 00:56:48,232
Don't fuckin' tell me, you
don't-- "I don't-- I'm mad
1340
00:56:48,266 --> 00:56:49,475
I'm mad and this and that
and the other."
1341
00:56:49,509 --> 00:56:51,338
Just say, I--
1342
00:56:51,373 --> 00:56:52,581
I would've liked to
have heard him.
1343
00:56:52,616 --> 00:56:54,790
But... his face is orange.
1344
00:56:54,825 --> 00:56:56,102
[laughter]
1345
00:56:57,379 --> 00:56:59,588
People didn't like
1346
00:56:59,623 --> 00:57:02,936
President Obama
because he was a Black man.
1347
00:57:02,971 --> 00:57:05,525
That was--
And what disturbed him,
1348
00:57:05,560 --> 00:57:07,976
was that he might be from
another country.
1349
00:57:08,010 --> 00:57:09,391
Kenya.
1350
00:57:09,426 --> 00:57:11,462
And that scared people.
1351
00:57:12,636 --> 00:57:14,292
His face is orange!
1352
00:57:14,327 --> 00:57:15,639
[laughter]
1353
00:57:17,330 --> 00:57:19,056
He may be from another planet.
1354
00:57:19,090 --> 00:57:20,333
[laughter]
1355
00:57:21,610 --> 00:57:22,749
[applause]
1356
00:57:26,201 --> 00:57:28,341
This is really what I think
sums it up for me.
1357
00:57:29,480 --> 00:57:31,378
And that is that he was in, um,
1358
00:57:31,413 --> 00:57:33,898
North Carolina, he was
comforting the people there.
1359
00:57:34,968 --> 00:57:36,798
He was comforting them
for, uh,
1360
00:57:36,832 --> 00:57:38,420
'Cause they had, uh,
1361
00:57:38,455 --> 00:57:39,801
It was a,
1362
00:57:39,835 --> 00:57:42,769
a hurricane had hit last year.
1363
00:57:42,804 --> 00:57:45,082
He was standing there,
looking at a man.
1364
00:57:45,116 --> 00:57:47,118
And the man was standing
on his property.
1365
00:57:47,153 --> 00:57:50,190
On the property was
nothing but a boat.
1366
00:57:50,225 --> 00:57:52,469
Everything else was gone,
his house, all of his--
Everything!
1367
00:57:53,539 --> 00:57:55,955
The leader of our country
said to this man,
1368
00:57:55,989 --> 00:57:58,475
"At least you have a boat."
1369
00:57:58,509 --> 00:57:59,855
[laughter]
1370
00:58:00,822 --> 00:58:04,273
He said, "It's... not my boat."
1371
00:58:04,308 --> 00:58:05,343
[laughter]
1372
00:58:11,591 --> 00:58:12,661
He said...
1373
00:58:13,697 --> 00:58:15,526
He said, "It's on your
property.
1374
00:58:15,561 --> 00:58:18,356
If you had the right lawyer,
could be your boat."
1375
00:58:18,391 --> 00:58:19,737
[laughter]
1376
00:58:24,708 --> 00:58:26,468
Um...
1377
00:58:26,503 --> 00:58:28,884
I'm gonna leave you now...
1378
00:58:28,919 --> 00:58:30,955
[stammers]
With one last thought
1379
00:58:30,990 --> 00:58:32,819
which is what's wrong
with America.
1380
00:58:36,133 --> 00:58:37,721
Um...
1381
00:58:37,755 --> 00:58:38,929
Because I know.
1382
00:58:38,963 --> 00:58:40,620
And you don't.
1383
00:58:40,655 --> 00:58:42,484
And I stumbled on it
by accident.
1384
00:58:42,519 --> 00:58:44,624
And it's certainly not
what I expected.
1385
00:58:44,659 --> 00:58:47,213
I was traveling
when I learned this.
1386
00:58:47,247 --> 00:58:48,628
I was traveling to
Buffalo, New York
1387
00:58:48,663 --> 00:58:51,251
to Jamestown, New York.Jamestown, New York is the home
1388
00:58:51,286 --> 00:58:54,392
of the National Comedy Center,
1389
00:58:54,427 --> 00:58:57,913
which has been named, uh,
the best new museum in the
United States.
1390
00:58:57,948 --> 00:58:59,812
It's dedicated
to all things comedy.
1391
00:58:59,846 --> 00:59:02,573
If you love, um,
if you love George Carlin,
1392
00:59:02,608 --> 00:59:04,195
if you love
the Smothers Brothers,
1393
00:59:04,230 --> 00:59:05,576
If you love Garry Shandling--
1394
00:59:05,611 --> 00:59:07,474
The list is endless,
1395
00:59:07,509 --> 00:59:09,407
but there's a room
totally dedicated
1396
00:59:09,442 --> 00:59:10,823
to George Carlin.
1397
00:59:10,857 --> 00:59:12,341
We have all of his stuff there.
1398
00:59:12,376 --> 00:59:13,688
-[cheering and applause]
-Um...
1399
00:59:16,829 --> 00:59:18,969
So I've been-- I've worked
with them the past number
of years
1400
00:59:19,003 --> 00:59:20,591
and I will be there again
this year.
1401
00:59:20,626 --> 00:59:23,249
And I was traveling,and I was feelinga little hungry,
1402
00:59:23,283 --> 00:59:25,872
I was peckish,
and I stopped at
a McDonald's.
1403
00:59:25,907 --> 00:59:27,115
It was one in the morning.
1404
00:59:27,149 --> 00:59:28,357
And, uh...
1405
00:59:28,392 --> 00:59:30,946
I drove in to the,uh, up to the box.
1406
00:59:30,981 --> 00:59:32,741
I was thinking of
having McNuggets,
1407
00:59:32,776 --> 00:59:34,363
because that seemed
like the healthy choice.
1408
00:59:34,398 --> 00:59:35,606
[laughter]
1409
00:59:35,641 --> 00:59:37,539
They had a new menu item,
I did not know this.
1410
00:59:37,574 --> 00:59:39,472
Buttermilk tenders.
Well...
1411
00:59:39,506 --> 00:59:41,508
this really piqued my interest.
1412
00:59:41,543 --> 00:59:43,441
So I said to the box,
1413
00:59:43,476 --> 00:59:46,099
"Do you know the differencebetween the McNuggetsand the tenders?"
1414
00:59:46,134 --> 00:59:49,137
And this, stumped the box.
1415
00:59:49,171 --> 00:59:50,621
[laughter]
1416
00:59:53,486 --> 00:59:57,697
It went radio silent.
I thought the box needed
a little cow-cuddling.
1417
00:59:57,732 --> 00:59:59,112
[laughter]
1418
01:00:04,186 --> 01:00:05,705
And so finally the box
answered.
1419
01:00:05,740 --> 01:00:07,534
It took a while, but it said,
1420
01:00:07,569 --> 01:00:09,433
"Well, a McNugget is a
McNugget.
1421
01:00:11,884 --> 01:00:16,095
And a tender...
[pops, sucking sound]
is a tender."
1422
01:00:16,129 --> 01:00:17,510
[laughter]
1423
01:00:17,544 --> 01:00:19,754
Well, armed with that
information,
1424
01:00:19,788 --> 01:00:22,273
I threw caution to the wind.
1425
01:00:22,308 --> 01:00:24,482
I'm kind of a foodie,
so I said, "Hey!
1426
01:00:24,517 --> 01:00:25,932
Bring on the tenders!"
1427
01:00:25,967 --> 01:00:27,244
[laughter]
1428
01:00:27,278 --> 01:00:29,211
I drove up to the window.
1429
01:00:29,246 --> 01:00:30,661
The employee came
to the window,
1430
01:00:30,696 --> 01:00:32,111
"I said, don't go in yet,
please.
1431
01:00:32,145 --> 01:00:33,630
Before you go, tell me,
1432
01:00:33,664 --> 01:00:37,116
do you know the differencebetween a McNuggetand a tender?
1433
01:00:37,150 --> 01:00:39,739
Without--without any
hesitation,
1434
01:00:40,982 --> 01:00:42,535
the employee said,
"Well...
1435
01:00:42,569 --> 01:00:45,089
The tender tastes
a bit more like chicken."
1436
01:00:45,124 --> 01:00:46,504
[laughter]
1437
01:00:53,132 --> 01:00:54,685
That's what's wrong
with America.
1438
01:00:56,135 --> 01:00:58,275
When the people in
the shithouse,
1439
01:00:58,309 --> 01:01:00,898
don't know what's in
the shit that they're
serving,
1440
01:01:00,933 --> 01:01:03,073
and we, the people,
1441
01:01:03,107 --> 01:01:04,695
will get the shits.
1442
01:01:04,730 --> 01:01:07,111
[laughter]
1443
01:01:07,146 --> 01:01:10,805
And I've given you
a great way to compare
anything.
1444
01:01:10,839 --> 01:01:12,289
Anything.
1445
01:01:12,323 --> 01:01:13,842
Most importantly,
1446
01:01:13,877 --> 01:01:16,914
when you are asked
the question,
1447
01:01:16,949 --> 01:01:18,433
and you will be asked
the question,
1448
01:01:18,467 --> 01:01:20,780
"What's the differencebetween a Democratand a Republican?"
1449
01:01:20,815 --> 01:01:25,509
-[indistinct]
-No, that's not the answer.
1450
01:01:26,441 --> 01:01:27,718
You know what the answer is.
1451
01:01:27,753 --> 01:01:29,513
You missed what
I just told you.
1452
01:01:29,547 --> 01:01:31,998
And you'll have to stay
after class.
1453
01:01:32,033 --> 01:01:33,344
[laughter]
1454
01:01:35,381 --> 01:01:37,901
A Democrat is a Democrat.
1455
01:01:37,935 --> 01:01:40,420
And a Republican
is a Republican.
1456
01:01:40,455 --> 01:01:43,838
And they both taste
[sucking sound]
a little bit like chicken.
1457
01:01:43,872 --> 01:01:45,046
[laughter]
1458
01:01:45,080 --> 01:01:46,772
Thank you. Thank you all.
1459
01:01:46,806 --> 01:01:48,083
[cheers]
1460
01:01:48,118 --> 01:01:49,740
Take care of each other, okay?
1461
01:01:50,499 --> 01:01:51,535
Be well.
1462
01:01:51,569 --> 01:01:52,674
Love you.
1463
01:01:52,709 --> 01:01:54,124
[uptempo music plays]
1464
01:01:54,158 --> 01:01:55,919
[cheers and applause]
1465
01:02:23,774 --> 01:02:25,465
[light music plays]
1466
01:02:52,941 --> 01:02:55,461
- [laughter]
- [Lewis Black]
It's unbelievable!